Original subtitles

Hellocom keeping you connected, Donna speaking.

Right, is it mobile or broadband or television?

We are Hellocom.

MAN LAUGHS What seems to be the trouble?

It's good!

ENGAGED TONE Right.

Of course I can. Let me check that for you.

Won't take a second.

Honestly, it's no problem.

ENGAGED TONE, SHE CHUCKLES

Hey! I knew it. She's sitting on a hanger.

Boom! You got caught sitting on a hanger! Busted!

I wasn't. He was right there. And you just cut him off.

Face it, Ruby, you were skiving and you got caught. End of.

Prove it. You've got nothing on me.

Oh, please! I've got a whole ring binder on you,

and not even one of the narrow ones, it's the big one.

Really?

It's not a compliment, Ruby!

And put your phone away.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. It's on silent, sir.

RINGING TONE Ruby! Shit!

OK, OK, I'm doing it now. RINGING CONTINUES

Oh, piss off!

I can't believe you got busted.

You're such a dickhead.

Oh, shut up, Tom.

Oh! Take the hint, Matt.

♪ Dip, baby, dip Dip, baby, dip

♪ Dip, baby, dip

♪ If you can't shake, then If you can't shake, then

♪ Dip, baby, dip If you can't shake, if you can't

♪ If you can't shake Uh-uh. ♪

HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES

OK. I need intel. Who was that?

Who was who? The man.

Literally the man that just walked up the stairs.

Blue coat, sparkly eyes, the promise of future happiness.

Oh, I can't tell you that. Security guards' confidentiality.

Sorry, that's not thing, and I would know because I'm training...

..to be a lawyer. Yes, we know, bruv.

You should know all about the Data Protection Act, then, innit?

Fine.

I guess I'll just have to steal the big book.

Out of order. You cannot be taking liberties like that!

Min Jun. New recruit working at Western Windows.

Cameron, give it back! Seriously.

We'll be getting the bus together every day.

We'll be working in the same building together every day.

Shit.

Well, well. Who is this young hipster

with her funky Norwegian backpack?

It's me, Melons. I know it's you, Melons,

I was sort of pointing out your cool bag.

I got it for my birthday. Ooh! Which is when, please, madam?

Now. Today.

No way!

We need to celebrate. Let's go to The Old Duke on King Street.

Oh, I can't, I'm busy.

Out with your mates, is it?

No, choir practice with you.

Screw that, you need to hit the town.

I don't want to hit the town. RUBY SCOFFS

Fair enough.

Your choice. Well, we've got to do something.

Well, there is one thing I'd quite like to do. Go on.

Go to choir practice.

Ach! Seriously?

Well, that doesn't mean we can't celebrate. Donna!

Donna!

It's Mel's birthday, innit?

Er, no.

No, no, hang on.

Sorry, babes, according to Facebook, your birthday is not till next week.

I put the wrong date on Facebook. Why?

Well, my ma says that posting your date of birth online

is like leaving your front door open with your car keys on the hall table

and a sign in the window that says,

"I keep my passport in my knicker drawer."

Oh, and, Tom, don't have your password as your pet's name.

It's not. Followed by your date of birth.

Shit. How did she know that?

Oh, here he is, Marko the Muscles, eh?

Where do you want these?

Just pop 'em down there.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Erm, listen up, chickens.

Head office are rolling out the new Friends And Family campaign,

and they've got you a little something.

Show 'em, Marko.

Erm, has Mark shrunk, or is that mug too big?

THEY LAUGH

It's family-sized! Get it?

Ha!

Oh, well, I'll be taking mine home tonight

and putting a four-pack of gin in it

cos I've got a Zoom parents' evening.

Do you know I'm saying, ladies?

Basically, today we need you to push hard

on the Friends And Family numbers, OK?

So whatever people call in for,

make sure we get their F&F lists updated, all right?

Yeah. That's right.

And, erm, as a special treat, you can update your own lists

and get 7% off those calls.

Whoo! Yes, that's right!

How many names are we allowed? Ten of your closest F&Fs, babes.

Only ten? That's gonna be tricky.

Hey, Ruby, you wanna borrow some of mine?

Oh, now, then, let's get back to work, chickens,

cos if you lot don't sell-sell-sell,

head office are gonna think I'm a right mug.

I'm not high-fiving that. OK. Fair enough, Donna.

MOBILE BUZZES

Ooh, go away. Ach...

Thanks for waiting. I've just had a little look at the system,

and that shouldn't be a problem at all.

Big news.

Bloody love big news.

My commute crush is in the building as we speak.

Ooh! Bus boy or a train man? Oh, no, bus boy.

Yuppie's working upstairs in Western Windows,

so, you know, everything's ruined.

Cameron, you've been smiling at each other for months.

Just speak to him.

I can't.

If you don't, I will.

You wouldn't dare.

You reckon?

You'd better hope bus boy ain't a pansexual, baby.

Can I put you back on hold? Two seconds.

What?

SHE CHUCKLES What?

Tom, you have my attention.

What do you want?

Do you fancy a brew?

Oh, I do, actually.

Here, are we using these?

HE GIGGLES No. Absolutely not.

Anyone else?

I'll have one. Yeah, me, please.

Me too, milk and two sugars, thanks, Ruby!

Actually, I would like one.

I'll have a loose-leaf Assam, thanks, Ruby.

Hang on a second, you just asked me if I wanted one.

Sorry, I'm on a call.

Hello, Hellocom, Tom speaking.

How can I massively optimise your day today, madam?

Piss-taker.

Donna, I've got a birthday card for Mel.

Chip in for a gift. Whatever you can manage.

Donna.

That's a button.

Don't really know Melons.

What, so you thought, "I'll just give her a button instead"?

Does sound churlish when you put it like that.

Thanks.

Hey, babe. Oh, my... Mark!

This is getting a lot, Mark. What is?

Mark, if I cannot text a friend,

who just happens to be a really fit guy, without you...

You're quite literally... you're spying on me.

...then I think we need to talk.

I was just asking everyone to sign Mel's card.

Yeah, OK.

This, Mark, this is a lot.

I can't believe you're making me do this.

Which one is he, then?

Back table on the left, blue shirt, mesmerising brown eyes.

Are you checking L on your hand for left?

I am, and I will not be judged. Too late.

Subtle!

He's hot. Mm-hm.

He's looking at you. What?

He's really looking at you, give him a wave.

No, I'm not waving. I will. All right, mate?

Stop, stop moving.

Why?

A hot bloke, he's really into you, you're clearly really into him.

♪ I don't see what the problem is. ♪

Because, Ruby, it'll ruin everything.

Our whole morning routine of, "Smile, don't smile, look up.

"Oh, God, he's looking up, look away."

That has got me up and out of bed every morning

for the last six months.

Yes, and now it could get you into bed, Cameron.

What if he's not as great as I imagine?

What if he has a voice like David Beckham?

Urgh, horrific. Yeah. MOBILE BUZZES

Awful.

Well, you could pick your phone up and find out.

What?

BUZZING CONTINUES

Why would he have my number?

I haven't the foggiest.

Ruby!

Pick up the phone and ask him for a drink after work.

BUZZING CONTINUES

BUZZING STOPS

Hi. Hi.

Really good voice.

Mm-hm, great.

Donna. Yup?

HE MOUTHS

BEEPING

Good afternoon. Hellocom keeping you connected, Ruby speaking.

It's Clinton. Can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Clinton.

There's something wrong with the phone line.

OK, let me check it for you.

Oh, I'm not here, just ignore me.

Right, erm, do you mind if I just put you on hold for a second?

'OK.' RUBY CLEARS THROAT

Hi, er, is there something you need, Vicki?

Just seeing how you're getting on with the Friends And Family stuff.

Right, erm, only, can we do it on another call?

Ooh, there's an idea.

No, we can't.

Look, I don't want to do this for Clinton, his wife just died.

Oh, no, that is so sad.

But it doesn't change nothing.

Friends And Family. Good girl.

Erm, why do you think there's an issue with your line?

VICKI TUTS

My daughter hasn't called in weeks.

Friends And Family!

RUBY SIGHS

Maybe we could add her to your Friends And Family list,

and that way, you'll get a fabulous 7% discount on your calls. Yeah!

OK.

Yes! Yes, you did it and it just wasn't that hard, was it, Rubes?

Grr!

Great, and, er, let me get our technical department

to take a look at the issue on the line.

'Thanks, Ruby. She definitely wouldn't have left it that long.'

LINE CLICKS Bye.

And that's all up and running again.

And is that for both boxes, or just the one?

Ionie... why haven't you called your dad, then?

RINGING TONE

Yes? Is that Ionie Barker?

Who is this?

I'm calling from Hellocom

to see if you might be interested in our Friends And Family.

I have that. Right.

Did you know that numbers could fall off the list

if you don't use them enough?

I don't have time for this now.

I could swap the number listed as "Dad"

for one of your more regular calls like, hm, "Pepe's Pizzeria".

You call them loads. No, of course not.

Only, you haven't called your dad for three weeks, so you really...

IONIE HANGS UP Shit!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you don't. No, you don't miss the tea.

Ah, hey-hey! You do this every time.

You suggest tea, and then you have someone else make it for you.

Bollocks, do I. No, you do. All the time actually.

So from now on, you're gonna make everyone tea. Make me.

Argh! Right, I will.

Ha-ha!

TOM LAUGHS

What you doin', you daft bint?!

Hey! Someone, quick!

RUBY LAUGHS I've been kidnapped!

Argh! Ha-ha!

There, and you're not coming out until you've made us all tea.

Ooh, so I'm like a hostage,

and you're my sexy, domineering prison guard.

Urgh! Tom, just make the fucking tea!

Where do you want to slap me? To-o-om!

All right, I'm going.

SHE SIGHS Where's this kettle?

Have a chill.

PASS BLEEPS Er, your birthday, is it?

Yeah. I got you these, innit.

Thanks.

You could come to choir practice tonight, if you wanted.

Oh, nah, I've got badminton tonight with my mum.

Oh, you have to play in doubles, see,

and she gets, like, well shy and that.

That's nice.

Not that she's shy, that you go with her.

Yeah, I've got bare badminton skills as well now.

D'you know what I mean?

Like, like, "Hey! Whoa!"

And shuttlecocks and that.

And, like...

Maybe another birthday, then.

Like, one of them!

You know what I mean? OK.

Mark, Mark. Mark-Mark-Mark-Mark,

can you call Clinton back for me, please?

I thought you loved talking to him.

Oh, I can't face telling him there isn't a problem with his phone line.

Well, that's a good thing, isn't it? Not for him it won't be.

Urgh. Urgh.

What did you do?

Oh, that is it, Tom is never making the tea again.

Ha-ha, gutted. Don't you like it?

No, no-no-no, you made it badly on purpose!

Oh. Oh, my God.

Argh! Damn you, Tom, this isn't over.

Here you go.

Don't ask how I got it,

just know I never really enjoyed the role of godmother anyways.

Get in, Donna! You're welcome, Ruby.

THEY LAUGH What's going on?

Ooh! If Melons can't go to the party,

then the party must come to Melons!

So sit down and strap in, cos we are about to unleash...

The birthday protocol!

THEY CHEER

'Gangnam Style' by PSY

I know it's not pints at The Old Duke,

but we can still have fun.

Why? Cos it's your birthday.

I know, I told you that.

So...

are you and Min Jun getting married?

I'm not playing.

You're not really cross, are you? Yes, I am, actually, as it happens.

Oh. You went too far, Ruby.

I was just giving you a little nudge in the right direction.

But I didn't ask you to.

Are you worried he's not gonna come. Oh, just stop.

You should spend more time sorting out your own life

instead of trying to sort out everyone else's.

My life is sorted. Yeah (!) Right.

He is here.

Yes, I can see that.

How do I look? Gorgeous.

Thanks. Still cross! Understood.

Hey. Hi, how you doing?

Good. Good to see you.

MAN LAUGHS IN BACKGROUND

'Maneater' by Nelly Furtado

RUBY CLEARS THROAT

Mark, do the honours.

Oh. HE CLEARS THROAT

FEEDBACK ECHOES Hello. Hi.

Er, so, Melons, now, you've not been with us long,

but you put in a solid effort every single day.

Now, you know how to make a sale, and, er, more importantly,

you never just "phone" it in.

MAN CLEARS THROAT

So, from all of us at Hellocom to you...

..Happy birthday!

CHEERING

'When Will I Be Famous?'

You might be very attractive,

but you are absolutely terrible at giving speeches.

Aw. Thanks, do you think so?

You only heard the "attractive" bit, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, I did.

I don't know what to say.

Well, don't say anything, let's just karaoke the shit out of it.

I'm not doing that, ever! OK?

Well, if you insist.

MIC FEEDBACK ECHOES

Mum's got a migraine.

I'm so pleased.

Er, not that she's got a migraine, that you're here. Yeah, I know.

♪ Yes, you are

♪ You've read Karl Marx And you've taught yourself to dance

♪ You're the best by far

♪ But you keep asking The question... ♪

CHEERING

'Every Breath You Take'

Wow, you can really sing.

Well, there's a lot you don't know about me, Mark. I bet.

Why are you wasting your talent here?

Oh, it's all right here, innit? Pays the bills, nearly.

Nearly.

But all the same, you've got a beautiful voice, Ruby.

Thanks.

Hey, hey, how are you doing?

I was, I was just telling, er, Ruby she's got a great voice.

Oh, that's really cool.

Erm, can I speak to you for five minutes?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Just...

Are you OK? Yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah.

Erm, I get it, Mark.

This is you trying to get back at me.

This is you trying to make me jealous.

Jealous about what?

As if I think that you would drop me for...

RUBY SLURPS DRINK You know?

Enough head games, Mark, right?

You win.

It's really, really hot.

Is it?

Yeah, it really is. So get your coat, and let's go.

Actually, I think I'm gonna stay for a bit.

Here? Yeah.

Bit weird.

You should stay too. No, no-no-no.

Erm... OK, so I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, yeah, see you tomorrow. OK, OK.

HE CHUCKLES

Jelly? Yes.

Yes, massive jell!

'Young Hearts Run Free'

♪ What's the sense in sharing This one and only life

♪ Endin' up just another Lost and lonely wife... ♪

RUBY LAUGHS

Are you still in a funk with me? A justified funk.

A justified funk, but are you, though? Yes.

However, I am willing to let it go,

but only to fill you in on developments.

Yes! I bloody love developments.

OK. Me and Min Jun, never gonna work.

Oh, no, but he's so hot. Why?

Media studies student.

Urgh. Mm.

In the Venn diagram of all of our possible conversations,

there is nothing.

Stop it!

What, I don't know what you mean.

It's just a text.

What if he needs me?

No, not your job any more, Ruby, you dumped him, remember?

But he keeps calling me.

No-one else does.

Not a lot of people in my life these days, Cameron.

Ruby, look around, of course you have.

Matt wasn't right for you.

Like Min Jun? Exactly.

We have to start making informed decisions

about the people we want in our lives.

It's a shame, I thought you were gonna get a shag tonight.

Oh, babes, I am. I'm not that fussy.

Don't call him, OK?

OK.

♪ Who wants to live in In trouble and strife?

♪ My mind must be free To learn all I can about me. ♪

Oh! This has been the best birthday party ever!

Ever, ever, ever!

You need to go to more parties, babes.

Hm.

SHE CHUCKLES

Hey.

If you want me to make you a brew, then you can jog on, mate.

No. I'm just much, much better at making coffee, that's all.

SHE SNORTS

Bedminster's number one barista, they call me. Is that right?

Come back to mine and I'll show you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Are you asking me back to yours for a coffee?

You're pissed, mate.

Yeah. So?

Maybe another time. HE SIGHS

It's a bit soon, you know?

Suit yourself.

It might be a one-time offer though. That is a chance I'll have to take.

HE CLEARS THROAT

SHE CHUCKLES

RINGING TONE

Hello, Clinton. Sorry it's a bit late.

It's Ruby speaking.

I've got your line test results back.

And you fixed it for me.

She called. I'm so glad to hear it.

Well, while I'm here, is there anyone else

you want to add to your Friends And Family list?

You can add up to nine other names. It's OK.

It's quality, not quantity, that counts.

Too right, Clinton, mate.

Except for crisps.

And roast potatoes.

Ha! Yeah, you can't have too many of them bad boys, can you?

Good night.

Thanks, Ruby.

'We Could Run' by Beth Ditto

♪ On television

♪ Kings and queens

♪ Live the lives of people's dreams

♪ You and I are human beings... ♪

Hey, Mum, sorry I missed your calls.

Yeah. I'm all right, actually.

♪ You could call this A great mistake. ♪

'Young Hearts Run Free'

# What's the sense in sharing This one and only life

♪ Ending up just another Lost and lonely wife

# You'll count up the years And they will be filled with tears

♪ Mm-mm. ♪

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com