Original subtitles

Hello, Hellocom. Keeping you connected.

Ruby speaking. How can I help you?

Yeah, well, let me just put you on hold while I transfer the call.

Sorry. It's a jelly snake.

It's actually my first day, so if I can put you on hold,

and I'll speak to my supervisor.

Yeah, that's the one.

We take all complaints against our staff members very seriously.

He's busy at the moment, so if I could get him to call back...

You are not first lady to tell me that I helped 'em find it!

♪ I already been that girl I already been that girl

♪ Get the cash, get the money. ♪

So he says to me, "Take that muck off it, or I'm not eating it."

Never? What, cos you put cheddar on it?!

I never had no Parmesan, did I?

Tell that bloke of yours what I said to my ex when I sent him packing.

Ew! Not married yet. Far too young for all that.

Oh, God! I was picturing you all grown up.

My mistake.

Truth is, Debs, it all adds up, doesn't it?

And then one day you turn around,

and you're shacked up with a bloke you barely like,

let alone love. You reckon?

I know it. LAUGHTER, HORN HOOTS

What was that? On the leaderboard again!

Nothing. Just some keener's made a sale, that's all.

Ruby, upsell.

Ah, which reminds me...

CLEARS HER THROAT

...would you be interested in extending your bundle

to a high-speed Hellocom Maxi for just 27.99 a month?

Not really. Bit pricey.

Yeah, we're all a bit skint nowadays, aren't we?

SHE MOUTHS

Nice chatting to you, Debs.

And tell that bloke of yours

only fannies and Italians don't like cheddar on a spag bol.

LAUGHTER

I am on fire today!

Oh, Tom, if only that were actually true.

Aw, you feeling a bit inadequate, Ruby? Inadequate?

Have you seen me, mate?

I'm the visual equivalent of a polymath.

Nothing inadequate about this situation.

Well, you should be.

Even the new girl's sold more than you today.

I have. Hm, it's a bit rude. She's got a name, mate.

Yeah. I do.

Which is? Which is?

Melons. Melons? Is that short for something?

No.

Unless there's, like, a longer word for melons?

GIGGLING

Hello, Hellocom, keeping you connected.

She is a marked improvement on religious Katy, anyway.

Oh, don't be mean about Katy. I'm gonna miss her.

Just cos she was your cult leader. Choir leader, it's a choir.

How many times? Cult.

And if we don't find someone to take over...

No. ...we may have to disband, Ruby.

No. No!

Don't do that!

Don't give me puppy dog eyes! No!

It's fun. Isn't it, Donna?

Donna.

Donna!

Isn't choir fun?

My dopamine levels are off the chart since joining.

Don't even start me on my oxytocin.

See? Just think about it. Choir is the best thing about working here.

And what happens when you go back to uni, hm?

I'm stuck with it.

Like I told you before, I'm not singing Kumbayas for no-one.

Hello, Hellocom? Ruby speaking. How can I help you?

'Roar' by Katy Perry

Hey hey! Shit!

Vicki's here. She's back!

Shit! No, no, no, she's not in today. She's not in today!

That's what I'm talking about, eh?!

Yes! Yes!

Let's be 'aving you!

Hello, my chickens.

Show me a winner!

We're all winners!

Ah, look at you lot working away.

Do you know, they're always banging on about the NHS,

but you lot, you're my little heroes.

Yeah, talking o' which...

Eh? Eh?

Yes! Yes!

Vicki in the house. Vicki in the house!

Now that - boom - is a nice energy, babes.

So nice, in fact, it has just won you...

an advanced motion detection easy installation ring doorbell in HD.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Eh?

Tom, why are you such a dick? Thanks, Vicki!

Aw. Don't thank me, babes. Thank yourself.

SHE SNIFFS

Go on. I mean it.

Say thank you to you.

Um...

Go on.

Thank you, Tom.

There we go.

LAUGHING

That feels good, doesn't it?

Yep. Yeah!

A-ha. Yeah.

You should try that once a day, OK?

Heard it on Fearne Cotton's Happy Place.

Right!

Marko, let's go.

Well done, mate.

GIGGLING

You love a good thank, don't you, Tom?

Yeah, everyone's always saying what a massive thanker you are. Shut up!

All the time.

I don't know what you're laughing about, anyway, now Vicki's here.

Why is that a problem? It's not.

No, it's not, unless your name's...

Ruby. Can you come in a second?

Oh-ho-ho!

You be so sacked!

HE CHUCKLES

So, Ruby, it's been a couple of weeks since we had our last chat

and in that time, babes, you've been late 11 times.

Well, yes, but I've been going through some stuff at home, which...

Babes, stop. I get it.

OK? Life's complicated. It's messy, even.

I'm right, aren't I, Marko, it is, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, it can be. Even today...

When I was your age, I was just like you. A right state.

Oh, look at her face, she thinks I'm joking. I am not joking, babes.

I was an actual shit show. Yeah, you mentioned that last time.

Right, well, then, you know what happened, don't you?

I had a little chat with myself,

and now I'm gonna have that same little chat with you.

OK?

We need you to change, to get better...

"pacifically" at your job.

Totally will. Cos right now, I really need this.

I won't go into the details, but...

I've been looking at your stats, Ruby.

48, 44, 61. Ruby!

Well, I'm a big, beautiful girl, Mark.

And I've worked out a problem.

You think you're in customer services.

Mmm, I am, aren't I? No, babes.

You're in sales. Now, we've been through this.

Every contact with the client is...

..an opportunity to upsell.

And you're not taking them opportunities, babes.

We just need you to find a way of helping the customer,

and then at the end of the call, you sell them some stuff as well,

it's like a game of two halves.

Oh, hello! Jurgen Klopp!

Me no speaky football! What's he like, eh?!

THEY LAUGH

A great team leader, that's what he's like,

and you're lucky to have him, Rubes, cos thanks to Marko here,

we're giving you another chance.

OK. You have got till the end of the day to make a sale.

What?

That way you can prove to me that you are Hellocom material,

cut from the same bloody cloth as those bloody legends out there.

You've got this, Ruby. Don't worry. Yet. Go on, then, love, off you pop.

Sell, sell, sell.

Ah! Right.

Er, Mark, send in Rohan, will you?

Gotta talk bog breaks.

Sure.

SHE SIGHS

So?

You can't get rid of me.

Not so easily

cos of my gorgeous laugh and infectious personality.

You prick.

Congratulations. Cheers, mate.

Doesn't she mind that you're bad at your job, then?

LAUGHS

Well, sort of, but she's giving me another chance

to prove I am Hellocom material.

How long?

The end of the day? Which is fine? Cos that's easy, right?

No problemo at all-io.

You can hand that over, son.

Dead woman walking.

Hello, Rubicom... Hello, speaking... Oh, shit!

Hello, Hellocom. Ruby speaking. How can I help?

Donna. Donna. Do I need my top lip doing?

Donna! Donna.

HORN HOOTS

Ow! Cameron!

Last chance, choir practice. Just come and see!

No, Ruby, you're not joining choir. You don't have time for that.

Call waiting. Now.

Such a shame, Cameron. Sorry. Urgh!

Hello, Hellocom, keeping you connected. Ruby speaking.

How can I help you?

Ruby, it's Clinton. All right, Clinton?

How's my favourite customer doing today?

How should I know? Cos you're my favourite customer, you daft bugger!

So I'll call you tomorrow, shall I, let you know how Ruby got on?

What am I like?

I-I really don't know.

Totally forgot to tell you.

I'm going to be based here from now on... permanently.

Great. Why?

This branch of Hellocom is really underperforming on every level.

Appalling. Yeah, I know. I sent that information to head office.

We're in talks about expanding my role

so I can implement some changes.

And now you don't need to.

Right.

Those little superstars out there, they deserve better from us.

I couldn't agree more. And I wanna make sure they get it.

I'm talking motivation, wellness, mental health... things.

Love the choir, love that,

and your cute little five aside-y football thingy.

We'll have more of that, OK? OK.

Great. Yeah.

Well, in terms of, like, mental health things,

I think that job security's really important.

Mm-hm, mm-hm. And I think we need to be holding on to, you know,

the good team members like Ruby.

Mm, oh, absolutely. I couldn't agree more.

Gotta hold onto the good ones, Marko.

HE SIGHS

♪ I guess I'm messy, I'm messy I'm messy, I'm all messed up. ♪

♪ Get the cash, get the money Better spend that, girl

♪ If you bad and you know it Better show out, girl. ♪

In one minute, I'm watching The Repair Shop,

and the next... ..Spinning Wheel!

I'm gonna let you in on a trade secret now, Clinton, my love.

Sometimes, the internet is just a bit shit.

But at least I get a nice chat with you.

Let me have your postcode again so I can access your account.

BS3 4EL.

So, erm, how are things, other than that?

Oh, ups and downs, Ruby.

Found myself having a cry in Asda this morning over Turkish Delight.

Why are you crying in Asda about Turkish Delight?

Couldn't find it. Violet always did the big shop.

You'll get there, Clinton, just... give it some time.

HE WHISPERS Upsell!

Up yours!

Right, you'll have to give me all the details all over again.

HOOTS HORN

CHEERING

Mwah! Mwah!

Rack me up, Drindle's got another one.

What? Another one?

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

Sometimes, we are the only people he speaks to all week. All week! Us.

You're the only people I talk to. What are you saying?

I can't force him to buy stuff he doesn't need.

But if you don't...

you'll lose your job. I'll lose my job!

And why do you need your job?

Cos I am now the sole bill payer in my household.

Yes, go, independent woman. Shut up.

Where's Craig? Yes!

Jesus! Please, don't wear your ski mask at work.

But man, it's freezing down here, seriously.

You don't know what it's like with that door going open and shut

and open and shut...

Craig, Craig, Craig, just take the mask off.

Seriously...

you'll be paying for man's Lemsip's if I get sick, bruv. OK, mate.

I'm telling you. Where are you taking me, anyway?

A-ha!

Oh, Mark, please, no. No, no.

Don't fight it. No, no, no, no, no, no!

I spent two weeks of my life in that training room. Please!

Don't resist. Please don't make me go in there. Please. Please!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, hey, Ellie. Hey, bitches, you OK?

How are you doing?

Do you, er, do you mind if we use this room for a bit?

You two wanna use this room?

You and you? Yeah.

Well, that is completely against the company policy,

but I'm not here to judge, so you do you, bitches, it's OK.

Oh, God, no. No, not for anything like that.

Oh! SHE CACKLES

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's so embarrassing for me. Oh!

You too must think I'm absolutely mental.

No. Not that mental.

No, she just needs to go through some of the basics.

And you're the one to show her how it's done, are you?

Hashtag dirty boy.

Don't start!

THEY ALL LAUGH

No, but seriously, whatever,

I'm gonna go and grab some sushi or something cos do you know what?

Lately, I've got this really big addiction to wasabi.

I mean, is that weird, or is that weird?

Sushi, yeah, cool.

OK, well, I'll catch you bitches later. Bye.

That was interesting. Sorry, what?

You fancy Ellie, the training coordinator. No! What?

You do!

No, not really, or at all.

Oh, God. OK, let's just start with the fundamentals of sex-cess...

Success, and then we'll move on to closing the deal, shall we?

We certainly can because we've totally got work to do today, bitch.

OK, so, making the sale. Confirm you're speaking to the bill payer.

Hello, am I speaking to the bill payer, please? Your turn.

Hello, Ellie, training coordinator. Say it.

Hello, Ellie. THEY CHUCKLE

Be real. Create a connection.

Please upgrade your account so I don't get sacked.

Or in your case, fancy a Nando's? Oh, Ruby, enough, please!

You have to take this seriously. And I was thinking more Browns.

Hm, top of Barber Street? Bit keen.

Zizzi's, maybe. Zizzi. Oh, nice.

Sorry. Sorry. This is about you.

I think I might be a lost cause, though, mate.

But thanks for trying. I just don't want you to go.

Why?

DOOR OPENS

Knock-knock, bitches, pants back on. I'm joking, obviously.

Are you done, though, only I need to get on with my job and stuff. Yeah.

Nailed it, but Mark has something he wants to run past you. Mark?

Ruby!

♪ When the saints go marching in

♪ Oh when the saints go... ♪

Ruby! Oh, you changed your mind! No.

Cameron, mate, I was just hiding from...

There you are, babes. Hi.

I was looking for you cos you wasn't at your desk. Bit weird.

Sorry, Vicki. On my way there now.

Lovely.

Cos I've decided, I'm gonna have a listen in on your next call.

I'll see what's going wrong for meself.

Great idea

What's she say?

No. It's fine. Seriously?

What is wrong with the woman?

Ruby, call waiting.

Right, come on. Come on, Ruby. You've got this. Good luck.

Just do your job, but better.

SHE SIGHS

Hello, Hellocom, keeping you connected.

Ruby speaking. How can...?

I've been on hold for nearly 20 minutes.

I'm sorry about that. We've been experiencing a high...

All I want is to close my account. Can you do that or not?

My kids have left home.

There's nothing on TV, and my husband uses pay-as-you-go

cos he's sleeping with our marriage counsellor.

Bloody hell!

Ruby, stick to the script. Come on! Ruby.

I'm sorry you are having this problem.

Let me see if there is anything else I can do to help.

Why? Why does everything have to be so hard?

Can you close this account or not?

All right, here's what I'm thinking.

The last thing you need to do is cut yourself off.

You need to call your best mate.

I haven't spoken with her since 2014.

All the more reason to, and as far as your kids leaving home,

they're gonna still need you,

so let me help you set up your face-to-face calling.

Why?

Why are you doing all this?

Cos I know the feeling.

It's like when you're lying in bed

and your duvet slipped out the cover a little bit,

and all you've got keeping you warm is an empty sheet,

and you know you could just get up and give it a good shake

and do up the poppers and readjust, but you don't.

Cos you can't be arsed, so you just lie there getting cold

because putting on a duvet cover on your own is bloody hard,

you know what I'm saying?

So I'm gonna help you get your meta-fucking-phorical duvet in order

and piss off your husband in the process.

I love it. Oh, thank you, Ruby, you're great.

No worries.

That's what we're here to do at Hellocom, keeping you connected.

Yeah!

That was amazing. I don't think I've ever heard a call like that.

Oh, you guys, just doing my job.

Oh, except it isn't your job, is it, Ruby?

Your job, as we discussed, is ultimately about sales.

What did you actually sell?

N-Nothing.

Nothing.

We're gonna have to let you go, I'm afraid. What?

Whoa! Hang on, one second! Vicki,

she stopped the customer from leaving, so...

Yeah, but I "pacifically" asked for one thing, Marko.

Yes, but also you said to prove herself as Hellocom material,

which she totally is.

Really? Absolutely!

Absolutely.

Well, like, look at the choir.

Yes, the choir.

Ruby... Ruby was to be our new choir leader, weren't you, Ruby?

Yes, I was. Totally.

Well, just get someone else to do it.

No-one else wants to. Believe me, I've tried.

See? No Ruby, no choir, and choir, it-it makes you feel good, right?

Donna's dopamine levels are off the charts since joining.

Don't even get her started on her oxytocin. Never been happier.

And you said yourself you really wanted to focus on staff wellness,

right, Vicki?

VICKI SIGHS

You lot! What are you like, eh?

All right, I'm not a monster. Go on, have it your way.

Saved again, Rubes.

SHE LAUGHS

Ah! This lot really like you, Ruby...

for some reason.

Hopefully, I'll get to find out why

while I closely monitor all your work from now on.

Sell, sell, sell!

So, um, seeing as I'm celebrating and you're not,

how about I, um, buy you a drink?

On a school night? Come on.

Come on, come on, come on! Yeah, all right, then.

Surprise, bitches. Guess what?

I'm now actually free for dinner, so I was thinking maybe

let's go for some sushi because I do have this addiction to wasabi.

I mean, is that weird? Still not weird.

Actually, I just said I'd go for a drink with Ruby.

Oh...

OK...

No. No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm totally fine.

You-You two go and have fun, and I will be fine. You go.

Another time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Um...

Bye, bitch. See you later. Come on.

Ruby, well done today. That really was a great call. Oh, thanks.

STUTTERS

Er...

SIGHS

Do you love him?

Who? What?! Mark?

Hm.

N... He...

Don't be daft. He's not my type. I...

My mum always said don't date a man who smells better than you, so...

He does smell better than you.

Yeah, you're right. Hey, fancy a quick pint?

No. Oh.

Sure, I've got... I've got loads on, anyway.

Yeah, I'll just do my own thing.

♪ Take mine

♪ Did everything you wanted Did it all

♪ And I'm fine leaving it friendly Without ever knowing all

♪ But I have decided

♪ I was sure You over all of them

♪ You over all I have decided

♪ I was sure You over all of them

♪ You over all

♪ And every single time I got something to say

♪ I chew on it and spit on it And say it anyway

♪ I know I don't behave The way you want me to be

♪ I'd love to change my ways But it's too late

♪ And every single time I got something to say

♪ I chew on it and spit on it And say it anyway

♪ I know I don't behave The way you want me to be

♪ I'd love to change my ways But it's too late

♪ I was sure

♪ You over all

♪ I was sure

♪ You over all. ♪