Original subtitles

♪ ♪

(neon buzzing)

(flicker)

(neon buzzing)

(birds chirping)

(wind blowing)

(pterodactyl screech)

♪ ♪

(hawks screech)

♪ ♪

(sigh)

♪ Can I be the ♪

♪ First man ♪

♪ To finally learn the way the children ♪

♪ Were meant to play? ♪

♪ Can I be the ♪

♪ First man ♪

♪ To throw away these swords ♪

♪ We've made? ♪

♪ Is it finally time? ♪

♪ Could this destiny ♪

♪ Somehow be mine? ♪

(upbeat percussive music playing)

♪ Am I the first man ♪

♪ To know the meaning of ♪

♪ Loyal friend? ♪

♪ Will I be the first man ♪

♪ To bring this warring season to an end? ♪

♪ Too many years ♪

♪ Too many scars ♪

♪ Just one last fight ♪

♪ Oh, here we are ♪

♪ Can I be the first man ♪

♪ To ferry goodness over this wall? ♪

♪ Can I be the first man ♪

♪ To strike you down and end this hate ♪

♪ Once and for all? ♪

♪ Or maybe this time ♪

♪ I'll get it right ♪

♪ Oh, maybe this time ♪

♪ I'll get it right ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Can I be the first ♪

♪ Man to ferry goodness ♪

♪ Over this wall? ♪

♪ Can I be the first man ♪

♪ To strike you down and end this hate ♪

♪ Once and for all? ♪

♪ Maybe this time ♪

♪ I'll get it right ♪

♪ Yes, maybe this time ♪

♪ I'll get-- ♪

(lightning zapping)

(dramatic music playing)

Fancy meeting you here, Kyran.

Hello, Durkon. Been a while.

(chuckles)

Oh, just a few thousand years.

-I've waited much longer. -As have I.

(birds chirping, wind blowing)

Nice.

-A bit quiet for my taste. -(Kyran sighs)

I can't tell if this is before

or after the fall of the humans.

What does it matter?

Well... I suppose it doesn't.

(slicing)

(chuckles) Hey now,

does that mean there's no time for tea?

Let's just get this over with, Durkon.

If I didn't know you any better,

I'd say that's fear I see in your eyes.

You don't know me at all.

After all these years,

all these battles we've waged against each other...

-that hurts my feelings. -(scoffs)

I'm gonna hurt a lot more than that, Durkon.

(cracks neck)

(rock music playing)

♪ One wrong move ♪

♪ I know every move you're gonna do ♪

♪ Before you knew what you were gonna do ♪

♪ I know your every move ♪

(mocking laughter)

♪ One wrong move ♪

♪ I know all your dirty tricks ♪

♪ I've battled you just like this for thousands of years ♪

-(grunting) -(swords clashing)

(clanging)

Both: ♪ One wrong move ♪

♪ And you're dead ♪

♪ One wrong move ♪

♪ And this all comes ♪

♪ To an end ♪

♪ One wrong move ♪

♪ And you're dead ♪

♪ One wrong move, one wrong move ♪

♪ One wrong move, one wrong move ♪

♪ One wrong move ♪

(sword clatters)

♪ And now it's time ♪

♪ To say goodbye ♪

♪ For I will be the ♪

♪ First ♪

♪ Man ♪

From whence he came,

so shall he be gone!

(wind blowing)

(gasping)

Durkon: No!

(gasping)

(grunting)

That was a close one.

(sigh) Granada.

-(Kyran exhales) -How are you, Kyran?

(groan)

I'm better now that you're here.

Granada: Indeed.

Lucky for you, it's a bit windy out.

I just slipped, that's all.

That's all.

I thought I taught you better than that, Kyran!

It's not as if man's entire destiny is on the line!

Listen, it's not a big deal. I'm just a little rusty.

(swords clashing)

(grunting)

(grunt)

Rusty indeed.

You really know how to make a guy feel better.

I'm not here to make you feel better, Kyran.

I'm here to make you better.

To ensure that the future of our world

falls into the right hands.

(sigh)

-(grunt) -(swords clash)

(laughing) Not bad.

Maybe you do still have it.

How about a little...

tune up?

-(grunting) -(swords clash)

If you say so, my lady.

-Ha. -(chuckling)

♪ ♪

(swords clashing)

(grunting)

Kyran: But how can I best him when he knows my every move?

Granada: You must not shy away from this familiarity

with your opponent and his familiarity with you.

You must go further in.

You must enter his soul and become one with him

if you wish to become victorious.

(panting)

(grunting)

(hawk screech)

(panting)

Ah!

Granada: For the road to victory will not be paved

with the mind, but only through the heart.

Unless we can learn to quiet the mind and embrace the soul,

we will rage in battle for all eternity.

♪ ♪

(fire crackling)

(heavy breathing)

I know I'm your student but,

why after all these years have you not given me a chance?

Because you are a little boy.

You could teach me.

I've taught you enough, Kyran.

(upbeat music playing)

(slicing)

(grunting)

(Kyran laughs)

Finally! Finally, I'm ready!

(birds chirping)

(sigh) Very well then.

It's time.

I will be...

victorious.

(wind blowing)

(birds chirping)

♪ Maybe this time ♪

♪ He'll get it right ♪

♪ Maybe this time ♪

♪ He'll get it... ♪

♪ Right ♪

(thunder rumbling)

(man laughing)

Okay. Watch and learn, my offspring.

It's all in the wrist.

-(shaking dice) -Dad: It's all...

in... (blows)

-(lightning) -(yelping)

(groaning)

Woman: Door! Get to the door! Come on!

(grunting)

Hey! Hang on, Pops.

(groaning)

(rain falling)

Honey!

-Honey! Honey! -(grunting)

(sigh)

(drinking, grunting)

(sigh)

(sigh, groan)

-(turns on TV) -Yes!

-(TV chatter) -Cable TV! (laughs)

Ah, it's been so long, my old friend.

(sigh) Glad to see you before

the goddamn internet kills you off for good, eh?

It's coming. I'm tellin' ya.

(chuckle)

Your days are numbered, my sweet, sweet friend.

(sigh)

-(TV chatter continues) -(pouring)

(sigh)

-(changes channel) -Man: And the winner

of the Great Outdoors Survival Competition is...

-Caroline. -(woman laughing)

-(chuckling) -Congratulations, Caroline.

-Thank you for watching... -(laugh) Dumbass!

(chuckle)

Look how excited you are

to be the last one standing.

Yeah, that's gonna make you happy.

Can be a champion,

win a million dollars, get to do whatever you want,

whenever you want, eh? Sure, I get it.

Sounds awesome!

-(music on TV) -(chuckle)

Just imagine what it's like when your competitor

just disappears on you.

Just never shows the fuck up,

even when the fucking lightning strikes and shit!

Yeah. There's no one to fight,

or compete with, or anything, it's just you,

you, alone, with yourself,

and your fucking million bucks

and these weird-ass clothes!

Think about that shit!

-(pouring) -(sigh)

♪ ♪

(sigh)

♪ I've been around the block ♪

♪ I've seen a thing or two ♪

♪ It's fun to beat the clock ♪

♪ I've managed quite a coup ♪

♪ But if you want to know ♪

♪ Just what it means to me ♪

♪ It's difficult to say 'cause lately I can't find you ♪

♪ I don't know where you've gone ♪

♪ And while it's nice to rest ♪

♪ It feels a little wrong ♪

♪ I'm starting to lose sight of what it's all about ♪

♪ And what's there left to live for ♪

♪ If there's no one left to fight? Oh ♪

♪ La-di-di-la ♪

♪ I've seen the most interesting things, oh ♪

♪ La-di-di-la ♪

♪ Adding it all up comes to ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

(scoffs) Okay.

♪ Here's some Fabergé eggs, a painting of Attila ♪

♪ An invisibility pill, oh! Tastes just like vanilla! ♪

♪ A velociraptor's toe ♪

♪ A futuristic car ♪

♪ They power these with urine ♪

♪ Oh, don't forget those women ♪

♪ Who finally took control ♪

♪ A moment of utopia ♪

♪ Man, we were on a roll! ♪

♪ And here's a souvenir ♪

♪ Of when aliens came to town ♪

-♪ Made sex slaves of us all ♪ -(vibrating)

♪ And burned everything down ♪

♪ La-di-di-la ♪

♪ I've seen the most extraordinary things, oh ♪

♪ La-di-di-la ♪

♪ Without you here, it means ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

(sigh)

(heavy breathing)

♪ ♪

(panting)

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

(grunt)

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

Absolutely... nothing.

(heavy breathing) From whence he came,

so shall he be gone.

-(thunder cracks) -(grunt)

(thud)

(groan)

What the hell happened to you?

Oh.

Uh, nothing. (grunt)

Whole lotta nothing. (chuckle)

You do realize I could kill you right now, right?

Yep. Crossed my mind.

Really?

Really, after all this time? This is how we're gonna end it?

What, do you... Do you want a kiss or?

(kissing, laugh)

Listen,

you wanna kill me? Come and get it.

Put that away.

(rain falling)

I'm gonna get some water, and you get yourself together,

and when I come back, let's...

do battle.

(sword rattling)

(cracks neck)

-Durkon: Hey, stop it. -(grunt)

Come on. Come on, drink this.

(Durkon sighs)

(grunt)

(sword clangs)

(sigh)

-You're welcome. -Thank you.

(groan)

-(grunt) -It's okay, you take a second.

(coughing)

-I can wait. -(burp)

-Oh. -Nice one.

(grunt)

(grunt) Okay.

(inhales, exhales)

-(grunt) -Oh, my God.

This is it?

This is the place?

(sigh) You had the dream, too, eh?

(sniff)

-Final battle. -(grunt)

Right here in this room.

Well I knew

when I first got here.

You'll notice that no matter when we are,

-(urinating) -it always smells the same?

I never thought of that.

-Wait, do you...? -(flushes toilet)

Do you think that we've been fighting in this same place

this whole time?

-(grunting) -Huh?

1,384 battles...

-(grunt) all... right here. -(scrubbing)

It's kind of the end of an era

when you think about it that way.

(sigh)

(exhales)

What the hell do you care anyway?

-Are you, like, mad at me or something? -(laughs)

Well, you are my sworn mortal enemy,

and we have been battling for an eternity, so, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but, like,

beyond, like-- I mean, I don't...

You seem off.

I'm fine, okay? Let's just get this over with.

No, no, no, no, no...

If you got something to say to me,

say it.

It's, it's just...

(sigh) It's just too hard, okay? So,

I-I-I'd rather just kill you.

Go figure. I mean, some people really don't change.

Yeah, well, I suppose they don't.

You know, it didn't have to be like this.

-I mean, we could've... -We could've what?

(scoff) Forget it.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

You don't show up for fucking thousands of years.

-Why should I expect anything of you? -Me?

Yes! You! I've been fucking waiting around

for fuckin' ever,

just, just thinking and thinking about...

things. I don't like thinking.

(stammers): And that's my fault?

Yes! Yes, it is!

Because if you weren't so...

fucking evil, we could just, you know,

we coulda... saved the world or something,

but instead, we wasted all this fuckin' time,

battlin' and fightin' and...

Motherfucker! How am I the bad guy?!

You're the one who's been trying to destroy me!

You-you fucking asshole!

-(grunting) -(swords clashing)

Ah!

Trying to be first man.

All about you and your fuckin' ego!

I wish I didn't have to do it all alone,

but I'm the only option!

All you wanna do is murder and kill.

Your nickname is literally Kyran the Killer!

Fuck you, man!

-(swords clashing) -(yelling)

♪ ♪

(struggling continues)

-(yelling) -(swords clashing)

(yelling)

-(yelling) -(electric fizzling)

-(grunting) -(yelling)

(panting)

(growling)

(yelling)

-(yelling) -(blade slices)

♪ ♪

(both yelling)

(blades stab)

(thunder rumbling)

(groaning)

(both groaning)

(sigh)

♪ And now it's time ♪

♪ To say ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

Both: ♪ I won't ♪

♪ Be the... ♪

♪ First ♪

♪ Man ♪

♪ That one wrong move... ♪

♪ So many wrong moves... ♪

♪ Maybe next time... ♪

Both: ♪ We'll get it right ♪

(panting)

Both: There won't be a next time.

♪ ♪

♪ We could've been the first men ♪

♪ To learn how the children ♪

♪ Were meant to play ♪

♪ We should've been the first men ♪

♪ To throw away these swords ♪

♪ We made ♪

Both: But, we blew it.

We blew it.

Alas...

this...

is...

good...

♪ Bye ♪

♪ ♪

Both: Granada.

You know her?

How do you know her?

Granada: Boys...

Listen to me.

You must not shy away from this familiarity

with your opponent and his familiarity with you.

(inaudible)

Familiarity?

(panting)

(grunting)

Granada: You must enter his soul and become one with him

if you wish to become victorious.

For the road to victory will not be paved with the mind,

but only through the heart.

Unless we can learn to quiet the mind and embrace the soul,

we will rage in battle for all eternity.

♪ ♪

-Mom? -Mother?

Hello, my sweet boys.

Does that mean we're...

(rain falling)

(grunt)

Why didn't you tell us?

You used to know,

a long time ago.

You've been fighting for so long,

-I think you simply just-- -Forgot.

(heavy breathing)

Why'd you let us take it this far?

A mother can only do so much.

She gives what she can,

and she hopes her children turn toward each other.

That's all we can do.

(inhales)

(deep sigh)

♪ ♪

Kyran.

Look.

(gasp)

(sigh)

(inhales)

We should turn...

Towards...

-Each other. -(laugh)

(inhales)

-(straining) -(groaning)

(both wincing in pain)

(groaning)

(straining, gasp)

(groaning)

-(gasping) -(blades humming)

(panting)

I'm gonna be the first man.

No, I'm gonna be the first man.

One wrong move, and you're dead.

I know your every move.

(swords tapping)

From whence he came, so shall he be gone.

♪ ♪

(swords tapping)

Granada: ♪ They'll be the first men ♪

♪ To remember that children ♪

♪ Are meant to play ♪

♪ They'll be the first men ♪

♪ To throw away the swords ♪

♪ We've made ♪

♪ I hope it's time ♪

♪ For our destinies to align ♪

♪ Will they be the first men ♪

♪ To ferry goodness over this wall? ♪

♪ May they be the first men ♪

♪ To end this hate once and for all ♪

♪ Oh, maybe this time ♪

♪ They'll get it right ♪

♪ Maybe this time, they'll get it... ♪

♪ Right ♪

♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Hi, Abby. -Bruce! Are you ready to go?

I don't understand.

BRUCE: Don't you remember? Babby!

She's still in there.

Bruce, what the fuck is this?

BRUCE: When your hero dies, they're dead forever.

But I've found a way to bring Babby back.

♪ (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

BRUCE: This is all a game.

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES, FADES) ♪

(LIGHTS FLICKER AND BUZZ)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

I will be...

victorious.

MARK DUPLASS: So, Julian Wass and I teamed up and said,

"What if we tried to make a truly epic...

-(SWORDS CLANG) -...battling...

...time-traveling...

....musical episode,

that is an homage to movies like The Highlander

and The Terminator.

♪ One ♪

♪ Wrong ♪

♪ Move ♪

(LIGHTS FLICKER AND BUZZ)

When we sat down with the whole crew

after they read the script, who were admittedly

kind of confused as to what the tone of it is,

you know, what we said was,

(SINGS)

♪ La, da-de-da ♪

This episode is ridiculous, and is over the top,

and it is a farce and a parody,

but that doesn't mean we don't take it

absolutely seriously.

♪ Adding it all up comes to ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

(LAUGHS)

MARK: So, Julian and I got together,

and you know, all of a sudden we hire these Broadway actors

and singers, and it just turns into a thing

and it's probably the most fun thing we do on Room 104.

MAN: It's all... in...

(EXHALES)

(MAN 2 YELLS)

(FAMILY EXCLAIMS)

-(MAN 2 GRUNTS) -WOMAN: Get the door, get the door.

Hang on, Pops.

(GROANING)

MAN: Honey! Honey!

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪