Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Announcer (over TV): It's No Dice! A game of wits, a game of skill,

but most of all, a game of chance,

where brains will only get you so far, because on No Dice...

Audience: The dice decide!

Announcer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Hot Table.

Does paradise await?

Or will Floyd succumb to the viscous snake eyes?

Back to you, Chip.

Chip: Floyd, your total for the week is 12,500,

plus you've won the living room set.

-It's a lot on the line, Floyd. -Floyd: Sure, it is.

Chip: It's all up to you, Floyd.

Are you going to walk away or let it ride?

- (audience cheering) -Floyd: Um, I, um...

-He should be here any minute. -Floyd: I'm going to let it ride.

Chip: He's going to let it ride!

Are you nervous?

It's okay. I'm nervous too.

Chip: Are you r-r-r-ready to roll?

Floyd: I'm ready to roll, Chip!

(TV clicks off)

Hey. You're about to have the real thing, right?

(groans, sighs)

(exhales loudly)

(flask sloshes)

Sir, just a reminder, we are filming this visit for Dreams2realities.com.

Steph, how long have you been working on the show?

How about a mint?

Wallet.

Phone.

All right, we're doing 15 minutes tops with this old bag.

So when I say, "Boy, I sure have the best fans!"

you make a pained expression, look at your watch and say, "I'm so sorry--"

"Sorry, we have to head to the airport now."

Now, watch how it's done. I might even get us out of here in 10.

(knocks "Shave and a Haircut")

Mr. Crawford. Please, come in.

And where is the lucky young lady?!

Well, hello there. You must be Enid.

Wow. You know, I was just telling Steph here,

we were just so moved, Enid, when we'd heard your story.

We couldn't wait to come and meet such a special lady.

Oh boy. Tea time with Chip and Enid.

I love tea.

Enid, I hear that you are the biggest No Dice fan

in your retirement community.

In fact, it says here that...

you wrestled a man for the remote when he tried to change the channel.

Steph, I think I found my new bodyguard. (laughs)

Steph, let's show Enid some of those amazing prizes.

Okay? (claps)

Thanks, hon.

Oh, Enid. Look at this.

It's a No Dice T-shirt.

(laughs): Yeah.

Oh, that's gonna look terrific on you.

Uh... Oh. Oh wow!

Enid, look at that! It's a genuine No Dice buzzer.

(buzzes)

You know, they don't give these to just anyone.

Yeah. You know what? Can we do that one again?

Let's take that one again. All right.

What do we have here? Oh, holy smokes,

a genuine No Dice buzzer!

(buzzes)

Even I don't have one of these.

(laughs) Here.

-Okay, keep it comin', Steph. -(snaps fingers)

Enid, I think we got one more amazing prize for you.

Wow. Look at that. Genuine No Dice dice.

Mmm. Lipton's?

My favorite.

Ah!

Boy. I sure have the best fans.

Could you excuse me for just a minute?

(quietly): We got this, Steph. We're outta here.

Sir, we haven't even been here for five minutes.

Tea time. Enid. Chip. Bam. Done. We're out.

Mr. Crawford, with all due respect,

if the goal here is to demonstrate your humanity

-and relatability-- -Zip it!

Now, you listen to me, missy.

You think you can tell me what to do?

I'm the talent, and I say when we're done, and we're done here.

I could have your little millennial ass fired just like this.

-So if you think for one sec-- -Enid: Thank you.

-What's that? -(sighs)

For coming here.

Thank...

Thank you, Chip.

(sighs)

(sniffles, sighs)

I'm so sorry I was so shy before, I...

(sighs)

I guess I was just nervous to meet you, you know?

You see, I am your biggest fan.

-Is that right? -Oh yes.

I... love... No Dice. I...

How even if you work your way to the Hot Table,

it's still up to chance.

The dice decide.

It's-it's wonderful. It's like life.

Uh-huh. Start filming again.

Listen, I don't remember too much these days.

But I sure do remember the first time I saw No Dice.

Oh, when that lady won, and you picked her up

and you swung her around, it was like you'd won too.

What I really, really love about No Dice ...

is you, Chip.

And-and at my retirement community

when those ladies at the other table,

they wanna watch Wheel,

I get so mad. I say,

"Why would you settle for second best

when you can have Chip?" (sniffles)

When they wanna turn the channel, I wanna smack 'em.

-(Enid chuckles) -(Chip sighs)

Well. Um...

I am so glad that we could make your dream come true, Enid.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

So, um, I think it's about time--

Julius: To play.

-Play what? -No Dice.

That was the dream.

The dream?

Dreams 2 Realities.

Play No Dice with Chip Crawford.

(scoffs)

I thought it was tea time?

Oh, well, I always serve refreshments to my guests.

Oh God, I can't believe I'm gonna play No Dice with Chip Crawford!

Oh... boy. Does that sound fun.

-(gasps) -Chip: And special.

Wow.

You know, I would absolutely love

to play No Dice with you , Enid, my biggest fan.

But the thing is, we really need to get to the airport.

You wouldn't want me to miss my flight, would you?

No, of course not.

Then they'd have to do No Dice without me,

and I know you don't want that.

It's Steph's fault, really.

It's just a rookie mistake, but she makes them all the time.

Truth is, it's becoming a bit of a pattern...

-(scoffs) -...with her.

-The job's not a good fit-- -No, Chip.

Actually our flight isn't for three hours.

Steph, uh...

In fact, if I head to the airport now,

I can pick up your Preparation H on the way.

Still extra strength, right?

(laughs)

Oh, that is funny, Steph!

That's really funny. The thing is,

I need you to drive me to the airport.

That's fine Chip. I'll call a car for you in, say, one hour?

That should give you and Enid plenty of time to play No Dice.

Have fun!

(groans)

More tea, dear?

Oh no. I've had plenty.

-Now where are you going? -Smoke break.

Julius gets one every two hours.

Can I ask you something?

Fine.

Do you remember that little move you used to make?

-What? -You know...

"Are you r-r-r-ready to roll?"

(giggles) Remember?

You used to say it like that. "Are you r-r-r-ready to roll?"

Why did you change it?

Well, Enid, the same reason I still have this mustache--

you fans.

What?

Clean-shaven Chip didn't test well.

You fans decided you didn't want Chip

to wink or point at the camera anymore.

You fans decided that would make you uncomfortable.

You fans. (sighs)

Are you all right, Chip?

Do I seem not all right?

You just-- you don't seem like yourself.

Not myself?

Do I not seem like myself to you?

You seem different from how you are on the show.

Well, Enid.

Let's see, I've got the network up my ass,

telling me that my ratings are down,

and my audience is turning on me.

And now I've been abandoned by my producer,

and I am stuck in this shitty motel room with you.

So forgive me, if as I make your dreams into reality,

I'm not perfectly cheery!

So does this mean we're not gonna play No Dic ?

See! This is what you get!

You can't please the network! Can't please the fans! Can't win!

This is what you get from being the nice guy!

You get bled out!

I gotta take a stand somewhere.

I don't care if I have to walk to the airport.

I'm outta here!

Excuse me, Julius!

Hey!

You just assaulted me!

Your nurse just assaulted me.

This... This is where I call the cops.

Fuck!

Okay. This is where I call the cops!

-What the-- -Oh, Chip.

I can't believe you don't remember me.

"Up next we have Enid Brown from Madison, Wisconsin.

"Enid, it says here you enjoy bridge club,

"and make original needlepoints of club members' dogs.

"That sounds fantastic, Enid.

Maybe I could commission one of them."

-You were on No Dice ? -Mm-hmm.

June 6th, 1993. Episode 1053.

That was almost 30 years ago.

You realize we've done nearly 6,000 episodes, right?

Six thousand three hundred and eighty-nine.

Yes, I know Chip. See, I am your biggest fan, remember?

-Sure. -Enid: That night...

I made it all the way to the Hot Table.

-Chip: Uh-huh. -Yeah. You wanna know how I did it?

-(sighs) No. -I let it ride, Chip.

It was all on the line.

And then I rolled a seven.

I won.

But the judges made me roll again,

because of the hands on the table.

You see, when the dice hit anything, anything at all, they call interference,

and the dice hit hands, your hands, Chip.

Why would I put my hands on the Hot Table?

Well, I'm pretty sure you had your hands on the table to steady yourself, Chip,

because you were blackout drunk and staring at my breasts!

And because of your hands, I lost...

the Golden Grandfather Clock.

(scoffs)

The... Golden Grandfather Clock?

Yes, that's what I wanted, Chip.

And that's what I lost because of you.

That's it?

You brought me here over a clock?

Jesus Christ.

Well... I've got great news for you, Enid.

You can order Golden Grandfather Clocks over the Internet.

And get this: It would be my pleasure, my great pleasure,

to buy you, Enid, a Golden Grandfather Clock.

-Just send me your address-- -Enid: I don't want your money.

I'm your biggest fan. You're trying to buy me off?

I'm 80 years old! I don't need money!

-I don't follow. -The dice decide.

That's the whole point of the show, isn't it?

And the dice decided that I, Enid Brown, was the winner.

I'd never won anything in my life before.

For once, I wanted to be the one with confetti raining down on me,

and everyone cheering for me.

And I thought maybe you'd pick me up and swing me around

like you did on that first episode I saw.

And then, I'd look at that grandfather clock and...

and remember the greatest day of my life.

But instead, it was the worst day.

You don't make it easy, Chip.

You ruined my roll because you were drunk and ogling me.

Now I forgave you,

'cause I kept remembering how you swung that lady around,

how happy you were for her and I thought,

how can I stay mad at him?

So I watched you for years, and I stuck with you,

through the drinking and the hair plugs,

and when my friends gave up on you

and said, "Eh, he's an asshole. He's a drunk.

He's an empty shell of a man."

I had faith in you. I had faith, Chip!

And if you knew how important this was to me,

if you...

If I got you here, if you remembered me, you'd make it right.

Make it right?

Make what right? That you lost a game show?

(scoffs)

What about me?

Who's gonna make it right for me?

You're-You're rich and famous, Chip!

So what?

My whole life is a total misery.

All I do is host this show.

And the few off days I have,

I now have to spend traveling around the country,

groveling before my fans, begging them to take me back.

Geh-- I'm all yours!

I... regrew and maintained this mustache because of you.

-I got these hair plugs because of you! -I love your mustache,

and I don't care about your hair.

Chip: I gave everything to this show.

Before No Dice, I was on Broadway.

I was incredible in Hamlet .

They said I was the next Olivier.

I had real chops.

But no one wants to see Chip Crawford do anything except No Dice.

I built myself a prison.

And now I want out.

So no, Enid. I'm not gonna make it right.

And fuck you for asking me!

You think I care? Here's the truth.

I never cared!

I'm disappointed in you.

You, Chip Crawford, are a massive, colossal disappointment.

(sighs)

Don't think that mommy shit is gonna work on me.

It's not gonna work on me.

(sighs)

(laughs) It's never enough.

You just want more, and more!

(scoffs)

You want more? Huh?

You want more Chip?! I'll give you more Chip!

You heard me! You wanna play No Dice ?

Let's play No Dice.

We got Enid Brown from Wisconsin.

Enid, step up to the Hot Table!

Enid: Oh... okay.

Here, take your goddamn dice.

What about the trivia round?

Trivia round? You want a trivia round? Okay.

I'll give you a goddamn trivia round.

Now, here's your buzzer.

How many years of my life have I relinquished

to the ungrateful, needy No Dice fans?

-(buzzes) -Thirty!

Correct, 30 long years. Now, next question.

What is my real name? The one they might have taken seriously

instead of the childish nickname I am now forever saddled with.

(buzzes)

-Walter! (giggles) -Correct.

And finally, what is the name of the 1991 film

that I wrote, directed, starred and funded

in a futile attempt to get my acting career back.

-(buzzes) - Pangs of the Morning !

(sighs) I've seen it four times.

-Really? -Really.

All right, it's time for the fucking Hot Table.

-Everything okay? -Everything's fine! Go away. We're playing.

Now, Enid, I don't envy you.

You can walk away with just the money,

but I have a feeling you want more.

Oh, yes, Chip. I do.

You want that goddamn grandfather clock.

I do!

But you could lose it all though.

Oh, what a choice.

Let's ask our annoyingly enthusiastic studio audience

-what Enid should do! -(audience cheering)

Chip (as audience): Let it ride! Let it ride! Let it ride!

(as Chip): Oh, ho, ho, the tension is palpable, folks.

On the line, is the one-of-a-kind Golden Grandfather Clock,

plus some other fabulous prizes. Herb, tell her what we got!

(as Herb): That's right, Chip, we've got some fantastic prizes

furnished by Valhalla Appliance.

Are you tired of working your kitchen?

Have your kitchen work for you!

Valhalla Appliance-- it's what's cookin'!

(as Chip): All right, it's all up to Enid.

Enid, are you going to walk away or let it fuckin' ride?

I'm going to let it ride, Chip!

-Wow, folks! She's gonna let it ride! -(audience cheering)

She made her choice! But now...

The dice decide!

Remember, Enid, you need a seven to win.

But if you roll snake eyes...

Well, put it this way, we'll cover your bus ticket home.

Now, you've come this far.

Now the dice decide.

Yes, Chip. The dice decide.

-Enid, are you... -(snaps fingers)

...r-r-r-ready to roll?

Yes, Chip. I'm r-r-r-ready!

(blows)

(whimpers)

Well, folks... (sighs)

Look at that. Lucky number seven.

Enid won the trip, the money, the kitchen set,

-and the Golden Grandfather Clock! -I won!

(laughs): I won!

(audience cheering)

(gasps) Oh, Chip.

Oh. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

(jazzy game show music playing)