Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(neon buzzing)

(tropical pop music playing)

(exhales)

♪ All night long... ♪

This is so fucking surreal.

Jaimie: Yeah, it is.

Oh...

Did this come with the penis crown?

No, no, no. Give me that.

(laughs)

I forgot!

Happy divorce, my dear Eva.

Yes, thank you.

For highlighting what a loser I am.

-Thank you. -(laughs)

Ugh...

(video recording tone)

Jaimie: Ladies and gentlemen,

I've known Eva since the 5th grade,

and she's currently putting her bra on over her towel!

Are you fucking filming me?

(laughs)

Eva: Do not post that.

In fact, don't post anything from tonight.

(grunts)

You already posted something?!

You're not in it!

(loud sigh)

Show me.

Mmm.

(Jaimie laughs)

Eva: You follow Poppy March?

-Jaimie: Yeah? -Eva: Why?

'Cause she's famous and she does cool shit.

Does my following her offend you?

(sighs) I just have this sinking feeling that

-Derek is fucking her. -What?!

Dude, they've been commenting on each other's posts.

Like, a lot.

Okay?

Never mind.

It's fine. Show me-- show me what you posted.

Jaimie: See? You're not in it.

-(notification tone) -(both gasp)

Both: Walker Young commented on your photo!

(both scream)

(Jaimie laughs)

Eva: Click on it, Click on it!

-Jaimie: Damn. -Eva: Ooh...

-Jaimie: He still looks good. -Eva: Yeah, he does.

I think I liked his shaggy hair though.

-Jaimie: Ooh, like this TBT? -Eva: Yessss!

Both: Ohhhh!

Eva: Those curls!

Remember that ridiculous letter I wrote him?

Ugh, if you had just given it to him,

you could have figured out if you liked him or not.

Yeah, but sometimes the dream of something

is so much better than the... crushing reality of it.

(scoffs) Okay, yeah.

Like the reality that he wants

-to crush you with his boner? -Ew!

He would not even give me a rose on, like, night one.

Oh, please!

He'd be giving you roses until you

sucked him dry in the fantasy suite.

(both laugh)

Nobody wants to take my divorced ass to the fantasy suite.

Your husband hasn't fucked you in over two years.

Does that even qualify as divorce?

I'm really happy you're here

to minimize what I'm going through.

-(Jaimie laughs) -It's very special. Thank you.

Okay! Come on! It is time...

Hmm...

Ah, yes!

(Eva exhales)

Okay...

(hip hop music playing)

Hang on.

Eva! We've been talking about this for fucking hours!

I know! But it's...

It's kind of a basic bitch move

to cut bangs when you're getting a divorce.

Just give me a second,

let me go through the options one more time.

(groans)

(loud exhale)

Okay, that's the one we agreed on.

That's the one you liked.

See, that's gonna look so cute on you.

Yeah... they're-- they're cool. They're just...

I don't know, are they a lot? They kinda seem like a lot.

Are they me? I don't know...

-Eva: I'm just so lost. -Jaimie: But that's why we're doing this.

This is gonna re-frame your whole situation.

Okay... okay.

This is what I propose:

We just start with a long side-swept bang.

Okay?

And then if you don't like it,

you can just tuck it behind your ears.

It's barely even a commitment!

And then if you do like it,

we can cut from there.

Okay.

-Yes! -I accept your proposal.

-Jaimie: Okay! -I am ready for barely a commitment.

Yeah!

Does-does my dress look weird?

What?

Like it's...

Yeah, it's all weird and baggy.

Seems so long now.

It was up here, wasn't it?

Uh, no. Your dress looks the same.

But I did just cut your hair.

I don't know, do you think maybe it stretched out when I sat down?

Is that a thing that could happen like this much?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna go down to the liquor store

and pick us up another bottle.

And then, why don't you just...

why don't you take some time

to think about your bangs while I'm gone. Okay?

Oh, yeah. Okay. I'll stay here and

try to figure out what the fuck is up with this dress.

Yeah. You do that.

Ugh.

What the fuck!

I-- ugh.

(exasperated sigh)

(chime sounds)

(chime sounds)

Oh...

(breathes heavily)

(gasps)

Oh!

(panting)

-(scissors scrape) -Oh!

(scissors scrape)

(zipper zips)

Oh!

(exhales)

Wow...

Okay!

Ooh, ha!

Wow. (laughs)

Ah.

(guitar strumming)

(guitar continues)

Walker?

Wow. Hey, Eva.

Damn!

Summer...

was good...

to you.

What are you doing here?

I got the letter...

you left in my locker.

Oh my God, you read my letter.

"Every time I see you...

"I feel like I lose myself...

and I like it."

I really dug that.

Hearts over the "I"s. It was cute.

It inspired me to write a song.

It did?

(guitar strumming)

♪ There's a girl I know ♪

♪ She left a note in my locker ♪

♪ She's kinda like my stalker ♪

♪ But it's cool 'cause I'm Walker ♪

♪ Ah-oooh ♪

♪ Every time I see you ♪

♪ I feel like I lose myself ♪

♪ And I like it ♪

♪ Yeah, I like it ♪

♪ And I like it ♪

Yeah, that's all I have so far but, uh,

it's pretty close.

Cool.

Come here.

(scoffs)

You smell good.

What kind of shampoo do you use?

Whatever my mom buys.

Mmm.

Um, are you even 18?

(laughs)

Do you feel like you've lost yourself yet?

Uh...

I don't know.

Well...

we better fix that.

Uh, okay. Oh God, I'm sorry.

(stammers): I don't know if my letter is exactly...

accurate.

Anymore.

What do you-- what do you-- what do you mean?

Eva: Um...

(exhales

I didn't really like your song.

And I'm having a hard time getting past it.

(clears throat)

Wh-where you going?

I gotta go to band practice.

Or whatever.

(pop)

What?

Oh...

Okay.

Okay...

I'm going crazy maybe, maybe...

I'm-I'm losing my mind.

(breathing heavily)

Okay. Okay.

You're okay.

Okay. Okay.

-Oh! -(scissors scrape)

Ooh.

Oh God.

Oh God...

(scissors scrape)

(scissors tapping)

Ah. Oh.

Ugh.

-(toilet flushing) -(door opens)

Eva: (gasps) Derek?

What happened to you?

Oh...

Are you done with that?

What are you doing here?

Why are you in this hotel room?

I'm not in a hotel room. I'm at home.

What?

This is not our-- I mean,

this is not your house!

Ugh, Eva, what does it matter?

You are not supposed to be here.

This is my divorce party and it is a Derek-free zone!

You need me to be here.

What? No, I don't.

I mean, look at you. It's typical.

You always need my help figuring out who you are.

-No. I don't. -Yeah.

You need me so you don't

have to deal with your own shit.

No.

I needed you to fuck me!

Or want to fuck me!

See, you're doing it right now.

You know, don't even start!

You are such a fucking child!

Nice. Nice. Have your little tantrum.

Oh, well, if I don't have a tantrum, then you don't hear me!

Oh! I hear you. Okay?

Your low blows are coming in loud and clear.

Good!

(laughs)

Don't laugh at me.

(laughing continues)

Don't laugh at me!

(toilet flushing)

(Eva gasps)

What happened to you? Are you done with that?

What?

We just went through this.

What the fuck is going on?

Eva, what does it matter?

What does it matter?!

Derek, if you're defying the laws of physics,

it fucking matters.

So seriously, why are you here?

My guess is to save you from whoever is doing that to your hair.

-I did this to my hair! -Oh.

Okay, well, I guess I'm...

here to save you from yourself.

-Fuck you, Derek. -Oh...

I don't need to be saved.

It's just a joke!

-Glad I'm just a joke to you. -Eva.

Why do you always twist every goddamn thing I say

into some evil bullshit so that you look like a victim,

and I look like some asshole who's trying to ruin your life?

Fuck you! I'm not a victim, okay?

I'm just going through a lot right now.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always the only one

going through any shit.

You're also the only one who never does anything to change it.

Fuck you!

(toilet flushing)

Wow, this is getting old. Why am I here?

That's what I keep asking you.

You need me to be here.

No, I needed you--

(toilet flushing)

(Eva gasps)

What happened to you?

Fuck you! I'm not a victim!

-(toilet flushes) -What happened to you?

Oh, well, if I don't have a tantrum, then you don't hear me!

-(toilet flushes) -(laughs)

And yet, you still do nothing to change it.

Don't even start! You are such a fucking child!

I'm just going through a lot right now...

(Derek laughs)

Yeah, you're always the only one

going through any shit.

You're also the only one who never does anything!

to change it...

(scissors scrape)

(ominous music playing)

There. I changed something.

Are you happy now?

(quietly): Oh!

I am not okay.

Oh... wow.

Okay...

Oh.

(breathes out) That is a look.

Fucking bow?

Okay...

-They look great, babe. -Oh my God!

You know what's really scary

is that you don't trust that you know who you are.

-I know who I am. -Oh, you do?

Oh! Tell me all about her.

Um, okay.

(clears throat) I...

I'm a woman. Obviously.

Who is 33, I mean,

34 years old. Um...

I grew up in Seattle.

I like to read.

-I don't know. Who the fuck are you? -It doesn't matter who I am!

All of this.

All of this...

mmm, is all about you.

All of this? What do you mean? What--

-Did you do this? -You did this, babe.

-(Poppy laughs) -But why?

Because, it's time for us to start this shit over!

It is time to level the fuck up.

(laughs) Right, babe?

Well, I'm already doing that.

Yeah, but you keep telling yourself

the same old little stories over and over again.

You 33-, 34-year-old woman.

Who likes to what? Read?

I am that.

The fuck do you want from me?

Is that really who you are?!

Or is that just a little collection of facts?

You need to realize...

your past self...

mmm...

it is not your present self.

Okay, take it easy, Brené Brown.

Say it.

My past self is not my present self.

I don't believe a word that you're saying.

Say it.

My past self is not my present self!

I am waving goodbye to my past self,

as I eagerly take my future form.

I am waving goodbye to my past self,

as I eagerly awake my future form.

My best self is ever emerging.

And no one can stop her!

-Oh, come on. -Oh, you come on!

Babe! You can't stop now!

We're just gettin' started.

My best happiness...

does not depend on anybody else's best happiness.

My best happiness doesn't depend on

anyone else's best happiness.

I am not that girl...

who couldn't leave a love letter in Walker Young's locker.

I am not that girl who couldn't leave

a love letter in Walker Young's locker.

But you didn't leave the letter so, aren't you that girl?

Limitations are perceived and not real

and I am boundless!

Hey. Look at me. Say it.

Limitations are perceived and I am boundless?

Ohh, I am not the girl who buried her head

in Derek's metaphorical sand.

Admit it. You miss burying your head in my sand.

-Derek? -Poppy: Forget him, babe.

I'm a competent member of the team. Say it.

What? What team?!

My uniqueness, will lift me

from the gutter of mediocrity.

Derek: Your uniqueness?

Aren't you just copying her?

I am now discovering my light

that will illuminate my path to greatness.

Huh. I think everyone just saw you as kinda average.

My light burns like a thousand lighters

at a Pearl Jam concert in 1992.

You're never gonna figure yourself out.

(overlapping chatter)

Poppy: I wanna rock out with my cock out,

for the rest of eternity.

Derek: Who are you without me?

Poppy: No, no. Don't look at him.

Hey! Look at me.

(voices continue)

(music grows louder)

(voices continue)

(scissors scrape)

(quiet sigh)

(breathes)

Oh! I'm sorry that took so long.

You will not believe what just happened out there.

Oh...

Are you okay?

Eva...

Will you accept this rose?

We don't have to... stay in a fantasy suite.

We could see where the night takes us, hmm?

-(sniffles) -Eva?

Oh, honey!

(gasps) What happened?

I didn't mean to pressure you to cut bangs.

-I hope you didn't do this because of me. -No...

It was not your fault.

I just wanted you to feel like

the best version of yourself.

I know.

Oh...

I just feel like I have to have

everything figured out right now.

And it's too much.

You know it doesn't have to happen all at once, right?

But I don't even know where to start.

Ah, fuck...

Look at me, I'm a fucking mess!

Jaimie: You have to be gentle with yourself.

Starting over isn't easy for anyone.

(scoffs)

Jaimie: Tsk, ah...

-(sniffles) -Aw! (chuckles)

You're like a little baby.

(high-pitched): You're like a brand new little baby.

(imitating baby)

(both laugh)

(babbling continues)

Little baby.

(laughter)

Oh God...

(sniffles)

I know...

(chime sounds)

What?

(chime sounds)

Shave me.

(razor buzzing)

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪