Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( both laughing )

It's bigger than I thought.

( both laugh )

Jimmy: This is nice. This is nice. This is fuckin' nice.

This is nice.

( shaking spray paint can )

Oh, man.

- G-Bo. - Yeah?

- ( laughs ) - How ya doin', Pop?

Oh, man.

Now we're in room 104.

- What a trip. - Great set.

What a trip.

( rock music playing )

Oh, look at this. This is good stuff here too. Look at this, G-Bo.

Oh, my God. They got all kinds of stuff over here.

There's a lot of dynamics with this room.

Oh, G-Bo! Look at this. Look at this.

( pats box spring )

- Yeah, that's good. - Perfect.

It's got like a canvas texture to it.

Perfect.

Jimmy: If you had told me a year ago,

where we were and where we are,

that this is the deal, I would've never believed it.

- OK, so I have a thought. - What?

I think if we flip these babies around

and throw-- get our paint on 'em, they're gonna dry,

and then we can flip 'em back around

and put our-- our strings on while they're kinda drying.

'Cause at some point I'm gonna put it on the wall.

OK.

These are nice and light, this is perfect.

- The box springs are light. - They're like a canvas,

so the objective is to use the box springs

so we have two separate pieces--

Gianni Arone, Jimmy Ray Flynn--

and then everything else is up for grabs.

Yeah, nice.

Uh, you're not gonna hit the edges?

I'm just going...

- Hit those edges. - You hit those edges.

- OK. - I didn't mean it for real.

( laughs )

- Hey. - What?

You said I could hit the edges.

- No, leave it. - No, baby, come on.

- They gotta have the balance. - No, they don't.

- No, you don't. - Just let me finish it.

All right.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to wait till this dries.

Yeah, it's gotta dry a little bit.

Do you wanna do like...

a lamp, or you want to do something else?

Because I'm gonna be doing some collage stuff.

Gianni: I'm not an artist

who is formally trained

and who is doing oils

and, like, rendering lifelike drawings.

I just like makin'.

Jimmy: Looks good.

Did I spell "experiencing" right? Dad?

Oh, shit. Is this, like, a spelling thing?

- I don't know. - "Experien..."

Can't tell. I can't remember.

Spelling's not my thing.

I think so. Jimi Hendrix Experience. Let's see...

- I don't know. - Yeah, it's fine.

Jimmy: I work fast and in the moment,

I stay in the process.

( Jimmy laughing )

I like that. I like when you do that shit.

That's, like, my favorite,

when you start spoofing on heads.

Gianni: I just like getting into it,

and I love installations.

So to be able to use the parameters of the room...

because it's an installation.

I like that. That's great. We gotta chop that wall up.

That's a piece.

Jimmy: I am his biggest fan. I'm his number--

I love a lot of artists, but he's-- he's the best.

Gianni, you picked out some really good things.

This is great. It's got tape on it, too.

Yeah, that's the one I liked.

- You keep this one. - No, use it.

- Keep it. - Use it.

OK.

Jimmy: He kinda like inspired me.

We had talked about collaborating for a long time,

but there's something that happened this year

with Gianni dealing with his--

I call it "mental wellness,"

that allowed it to flow

in a way that didn't feel forced.

I said, "Hey, man, you wanna do this?"

"Yeah, let's do it." We started doing it.

I like this, G-Bo.

I like the two ones.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I like it.

This is like my favorite material. Yeah.

Jimmy: Can you get out of that light for a second, please?

- Yeah, you. - ( camera clicks )

Tell me that doesn't look fucking cool.

Yeah.

Gianni: I know a lot of my friends

have fractured relationships with their dads.

Younger Jimmy: My buddies.

Say, "Hi, Mom."

Gianni: As a little kid, I just remember a present father.

He just created, like,

a nurturing environment for creativity.

He would put on, like, Tracy Chapman and music

and we would get pots and pans and play the drums.

Jimmy: Happy birthday. I'm gonna go now.

I want you to give me a kiss.

( kiss )

And he's grown into my best friend.

It wasn't always like that.

Jimmy: Ahh, yeah,

it really didn't start to happen until the friggin'--

started with the drugs and alcohol.

I mean, that's when it just became a whole 'nother animal.

That's when it started to be this clear kind of... uh-oh.

( paint can rattling )

You gotta be careful with the spray paint, though.

- I know. - All right.

Gianni: Yeah, it was shortly after high school

when I just opened up to something and I just

( snaps fingers ) went in. I mean,

you go from smokin' weed after high school

to next year doin' meth,

- like smokin' crystal meth, - Ohh.

- which is just like a-- - The fuckin' worst.

Which is like a epidemic of a drug,

and took me to places I thought I'd never go to

emotionally, physically,

mentally, spiritually, psychologically.

It'll steal your friggin' soul. I don't give a shit,

I hear him say the word "meth,"

and I get like, "I'm goin' to another place now,"

'cause I just-- it's, like, evil.

Gianni: Not only did I do meth, but I did LSD,

I did mushrooms, I smoked weed.

I smoked heroin once.

I went down the pipeline of,

"What does it do? How does it affect me?

Let's try it."

I was microdosing LSD for, like, a year straight.

And, like, that has a huge effect on your brain chemistry,

and I started hearing voices.

I'm gonna start my collaging. I'm gonna collage over here.

I'm gonna work over here.

You know, it's interesting we're doing this now,

we're literally coming up on the year anniversary.

Let me just back it up a second.

Younger Jimmy: Make a little wish, OK?

The night Gianni was born, I remember him coming out

and watching the life come into his body.

He just looked at me. It was surreal.

Cut to December fifth...

of last year.

He came to my house

in a full-blown psychotic episode.

I didn't know who the fuck he was.

We had this thing literally in the backyard,

we were sitting there, we were talking across from each other,

and he was like in a full-blown episode.

At one point he said to me,

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna kill you."

And I thought, "Is this motherfucker thinkin' about killin' me?"

And I was petrified.

I said, "Gianni, I'm gonna go in the house and get some water."

I went in the house and I called the cops.

And I said, "You gotta come and get my son."

Ahh...

All I know is, it was like

the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

The cops come, Gianni got in the car

and, you know, they took him

to the fucking psych unit and shit,

and we went there, first night I go in,

he's like fuckin' doing cartwheels

or backflips in the thing,

he's head-butting me,

he's really angry, really agitated.

And then we found out

that he's got a dual diagnosis.

Couple that with the addiction-- it's a mental illness.

So now you're dealing with a whole 'nother thing.

- How ya doin', G? - Eh.

Yeah, it's...

- It's all over the place. - Yeah.

All right, well, it's your thing, baby.

Let's put a whole series together...

Gianni: I've been diagnosed bipolar I and II,

schizoaffective, schizophrenic.

I don't know if my mental illness was caused from my drug use--

Is it chemically induced mental illness,

or is actually something that's biological?

Or something that onset later?

They would diagnose me,

and I'd do the meds for a little bit,

then I'd take myself off 'em because I was just like,

I'm an alcoholic and I'm an addict,

and I like feeling high,

and when I'm unmedicated and I go into mania,

I feel high from that.

I like feeling a little off,

I like feeling a little weird,

I like feeling a little askew

and not totally bolted to the ground.

Can you throw me one of those rags real quick?

Like the big hand?

It's a little too big for my taste, but--

Can you throw me one of those rags, please?

Maybe it is too big of a hand.

Wanna have a seat? Wanna sit down?

G-Bo.

Wanna sit down?

I don't like it at all right now.

There's no question in my mind you're gonna get there.

No, I know, I'm not worried about getting there.

You jumped in, the paint was still wet...

- You know what I mean? - Looks like a big chicken.

I don't see a chicken at all.

I just see like a fuckin'...

- A blob. - I don't see a blob,

I just see a very exaggerated, grotesque...

If I were you, one of the things I would do is,

I would hit your canvas so there's kind of a little bit more white to it,

and then as you go over it, the other things will pop out.

- Yeah, I agree. - Right?

So just hit it again.

What are you doin'? Why don't you hit it with the roller?

'Cause I don't like the roller.

Ohh, Gianni, the paint's gonna take forever to dry.

Ohh.

He's not fuckin' listenin' to me.

The way you're doing that, man, it's gonna take

a long time to dry.

These are lessons that I was supposed to learn

about, like, backin' off,

not micromanaging.

Yeah, man, I would just hit that.

Hit the edge too.

Yeah, there you go, brother.

Yeah, man, that's much better.

Gianni: For me, being born into a human body

on planet Earth didn't make sense to me.

I'm like, what am I-- what is this?

What's this night/day, love/hate, good/bad,

all this polarity, all this separation?

This doesn't make sense to my inherent nature and my inherent being

of oneness and completeness and, like, a unified whole.

I feel fractured and separated and alone and weird,

and I've always been fascinated with the moment of death,

and so I...

wanted to meet death a couple times on my own sword.

Maybe I'll just do a big horse on it.

For me, I had...

two attempts on my life,

one was when I was younger,

and then the last one was more intentional.

Gonna wait for it to dry.

I had an episode that I can only describe

as losing the letters and the numbers.

I couldn't articulate myself, and therefore,

when I came out of the psychosis

I couldn't relate to anyone.

And I created this rig,

and I was about to turn on the switch,

and then there was a knock on my door,

and my ex-girlfriend Sunshine knocked on-- opened the door

and saved my life, called my dad.

Jimmy: As he's telling you he's whatever,

I have to respect what he's saying,

'cause it's real for him.

There was a point when he was either

in the hospital or just getting out,

I said, "You know something? I will talk to you,

but I won't talk to your psychosis."

So for him to tell you this story,

and for me to listen to it, whatever,

I have to remind myself

they're very real for him.

I don't relate to it, you know?

I mean, I don't fuckin' relate to it,

but it's real for him, so I gotta respect it.

Yeah. Well.

- A horse. - Yeah.

( both laugh )

Gianni: Yeah,

today I want to live, like, uh,

when I had those suicide attempts,

I didn't feel like

this life that I'm living today was possible

or even on my radar, so more will be revealed

if you stick around.

Today, like, I like peace of mind.

For the most part if someone asks me how I'm doing,

it's like, not too high, not too low,

not a lot going on upstairs, it's just quiet.

This is the first time in my life I've felt like that,

but it's two components:

being sober and being med-compliant.

You got so much friggin' paint on it. ( laughs )

You got a ton of paint on this, Gianni.

- Yeah. - Ohh.

Jimmy: I myself had a--

I don't want to call it a suicide attempt,

but I ended up in a 72-hour hold in a psych unit

back in whatever year, it was 1989, '90.

Gianni's mom and I were going through

a really hard time and we split up,

and I don't want to get into details,

but I never forget this friggin' guy

sittin' across from me and saying,

"You realize you're never gonna see your kids again, right?"

And it was like, boom.

Sound. Be ready.

( power tool whirs )

I'm from that generation of men

where you didn't go to therapy.

When you got into those places,

you just friggin' toughed it out.

But you know what? It doesn't always work that way.

When you're in crisis, when you're in that state,

you have to find a way to ask for help.

You have to find a way to get yourself into

a safe environment with professionals,

and there's people out there that will help you

take one foot in front of the other.

Yeah, it takes a lot of courage.

It takes guts.

And on some level I have a lot of guilt,

and I think sometimes my behavior

in what I did at that time,

when I hurt myself--

Gianni was like seven years old.

I made mistakes, man, I did some things,

and I can't take any of it back,

but I realize, you know what,

it's just part of what's happened in my life.

Gianni: Oh, yeah, man, that looks good!

That's dope.

Fuck yeah.

What do you think? G-Bo.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I like the way that hangs and shit.

- You like that? - Yeah, man.

Jimmy: Looks pretty good.

I'm faced with a little bit of a decision.

Revolver Head?

Gianni: No Revolver Head, no.

See how the Grotjahn looks.

I love this fucking guy.

I'm not sure if that's gonna work.

- There's too much color. - Yeah.

Ahh.

I don't think that's gonna work.

- I like the donut. - I like the donut too.

Yeah, this is-- this is not gonna work like that.

Gianni: For me, the mainstay has been this mantra I've had

which is "Process is king." And I find that, like,

in the moment of creating,

no matter what your mental state is,

there's some magical machination

that happens in the moment of doing something.

Whether you're hitting the keys on the piano,

whether you're a dancer and you're in the moment of flight,

whether you're hitting the canvas for the first time,

and it's just that movement of the brush

on the canvas.

In that moment, that's where it is,

that's where it's at.

Is that a Christmas tree?

These weird little trees I've been drawing lately...

that bring me joy.

Gianni: No matter what my state is,

I can go to that and have that

as my, like-- phtt!--

centered, boom, know what to do.

That's the gratifying thing,

that's why I do art.

There's restraint and pause

and peace now,

where I can go to a work,

work on it,

feel that it's OK to stop there,

just be like, "OK, we're good."

( sighs )

I kinda like where mine's at right now.

You gonna leave it there? It's done?

Kinda. Yeah. For now.

Jimmy: What about the head?

- I like it like that. - Really?

I just like the silhouette of the head.

I don't want to put eyes on it or anything.

I got the good jawline on the horse head.

Gianni: Last year around this time, like, I was scared,

I thought I wouldn't be able to do art again, but you just do art.

I did art about not being able to do art again.

I did a piece of art 'cause I was frustrated

'cause it didn't feel right, but I still did it.

And now I kinda like the piece, looking at it a year later.

But in the time, I was just so angry

I just felt like, "This is foreign to me,

I don't know what to do," but you persist,

you continue to do your craft a little bit each day.

And if you really love it, you're gonna be inherently consistent

because you're gonna want to do it each day.

And the results are gonna vary,

but process is king-- stay in the process.

Stay in the process.

Both: Creativity doesn't know what time it is.

That's why we want to sleep here.

I get up in the middle of the night and work on a collage

'cause creativity doesn't know what time it is.

- ( both laugh ) - Go ahead, hit it.

- I did. - No, hit it again if you want.

I know you're dying to make a mark on it. Go ahead.

Gianni: These are pretty singular,

but he put on this "Sweet Dreams" last night...

Because it was on the wall.

and I was like, "That's awesome."

Somebody in the crew was kind enough

to put "Sweet Dreams" on the wall

and I saw it and I said, "Put it in the piece."

- It's the name of the horse. - We don't know who it is,

but whoever it is, we love you. It works.

And I made a little gold mark on his just now.

He wants to, like, make marks,

I don't have a problem with it.

Like, we did this thing, the Grotjahn thing,

and I said, "Just go hit it,"

and he just did this little friggin' whatever-it-is,

and I think it's perfect.

I think the collaboration, too,

is, like, executing the tone of the room too,

does this wall come together as a seamless whole?

I, uh, caused a lot of wreckage

and a lot of pain

and a lot of chaos.

And I'm still a work in progress, you know,

I'm still really new to this.

But a lot's changed over the course of the year

because I put in some intense work

and I've been trying to get-- get sober

and get healthy for a long time.

And my living amends to my dad

is to grant him peace of mind.

It's a lifetime of work,

and it's something I get to practice--

I have the opportunity to practice each day.

Jimmy: I had to, like, learn about patience, acceptance,

those things that really test you.

You say you love somebody, you say whatever,

but until you're in that arena

and you're wrestling with those beasts and stuff,

that's where you find out where your character's at.

You know, at the end of the day,

he's someone that needs help, he's sick.

I gotta figure out a way to have a relationship,

but have a boundary,

that I can protect myself and take care of myself

and my wife and my family.

You know, maybe part of the thing about doing this thing

is that I'm hoping, when somebody sees this,

is that yeah, there's a lot of pain,

there's a lot of scars, there's a lot of wounding,

but you know, there is healing and there is--

there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

But you gotta do the work, you gotta do the time.

When you told me the other day that you trusted me again...

was huge... that was huge.

- Yeah, but you had to earn it. - Yeah, I know.

You had to earn it.

And you have.

You know, trust is a key component of any relationship.

You don't have trust, man, you don't have honesty,

you don't have the tenets, you don't have the foundation,

you don't have anything.

That's what I'm saying, you know,

some of the stuff that went on between you and I,

I just... it was hard shit.

And... And I know that everything happens in life for a reason,

but... there was a lot of pain there.

But you know, trusting you is...

- ( voice breaking ) Thank you. - You're welcome, Papa.

No, really, fuckin' thanks.

I'm not gonna fuckin' cry through the whole fuckin' thing.

- ( laughs ) - Fuck.

Seriously. Shit.

♪ I hope my body's a ghost ♪

♪ I just want to lay around town ♪

♪ I hope my body's a ghost ♪

♪ I just want to lay around town ♪

♪ Take cover when the city burns ♪

♪ Lay low ♪

♪ I love you, brother ♪

♪ Will you shoot me when they say so? ♪

♪ Take cover when the city burns ♪

♪ Lay low ♪

♪ I love you, brother ♪

♪ Will you shoot me when they say so? ♪

♪ I hope my body's a ghost ♪

♪ I just want to lay around town ♪

MAN: (SINGING) ♪ I know the secret of it all ♪

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ Longing ♪

♪ Waiting ♪

-♪ You're... ♪ -(SCREAMING)

(SILENCE)

For it is love and love alone, the rules for aye.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪