Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( man coughing )

Man: Jesus Christ, this is a fuckin' nightmare.

( coughing )

Goddamnit.

You've been a bad boy!

Do you hear me?!

Bad! B-A-D!

How many fuckin' times? I swear to God!

You've been a bad boy!

- ( animal growling ) - You heard me?!

Ya know, I feel like we just keep havin' this same conversation.

I can't take you anywhere anymore!

OK? And I gotta say it, awright?

This shit is embarrassing!

Remind me of something.

What was the first thing I said when we came in here?

Huh? I said we come in quiet, and we don't make a mess.

- ( growling ) - Yeah, exactly.

But you come in, and since we don't know

who the fuck's been here, what kind of weird-ass perfume they've been wearin',

and your scent's off-- you being you,

your self-preservation instinct kicks in

and you just shit everywhere.

( growls )

Oh, goddamnit.

( growling continues )

I'll give you that, buddy, I will.

I-- I get it.

I'm sorry... that I had to bring you here,

and I'm really sorry that I put you in this position.

But I need you to stay in there a while...

until I figure out if this situation is copacetic.

- Deal? - ( growling )

No, no, calm, no--

- Hey! - ( roaring )

Calm!

- ( growls ) - Yes.

Who's the handsome man?

You are. You're the handsome man.

And you're a calm handsome man, right?

I need you to be so calm for us now, dearheart.

OK? And if you're calm, I'm gonna give you

your special treat. Right?

Such a handsome man.

( creature growls, snorts )

That's right, dear.

Nummy nums.

( knock on door )

You must be the art enthusiast. Sharon.

You're... Allan?

Yup, that's me. Welcome.

Thanks for comin' so soon. Come on in.

Thanks.

( muffled grunting )

Uh, any trouble finding the place?

Nope.

Can I, uh, sit down? ( chuckles )

Oh! God, yes. Of course. Yes.

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry. - Thanks.

So sorry.

Um, I'd offer you something to drink,

but this place doesn't have a goddamn mini-bar.

( sighs ) Well...

should we get down to the business at hand?

Oh, I like your style.

No bullshit, huh? You're my kind of girl.

Let's get down to business.

All right.

Is-- Is that necessary?

Oh, yeah. I mean, we're lookin' at the real thing here.

I take every precaution.

And this is the real thing?

Oh, honey...

when you see him in the flesh,

there's no question.

Impressive, right?

I can't say what they mean,

exactly, but interpreting any artist's work,

there's always a code...

to deciphering his intent.

Uh-huh.

And I don't know how to make this any more obvious

for you, Sharon,

but I know the artist.

"Elmer."

( creature growls )

What was that?

I got here, and that thing was running like crazy.

I had to take the top off, jigger with the flange, the chain's all fucked up--

it's been gurgling off and on.

What do you take me for, Allan?

Excuse me?

Did you think I was here to buy finger paintings?

I have no idea.

I want to meet him.

Really?

See, I feel like I have given you

multiple opportunities to make that happen here.

You mean you want me to say your password?

Yes. I like to think of it as a "code phrase,"

but yeah, you need to fuckin' say my code phrase, or there's no deal.

( sighs ) I didn't get that part of the email.

It was cut off after you told me when I came in the room

I needed to ask about the "artist,"

who was in "exile" or something.

OK, OK, well, close enough.

I'm not good with computers.

Whoa, sorry about that.

Are we doing this, or what?

Wh-- Ha ha ha!

Just because you know the code phrase

does not mean you're right for this.

No, I still need to vet you.

( scoffs ) Really?

It won't be so bad.

Everyone remembers Bubbles.

( chortles ) Bubbles got all the attention.

I don't know if you remember, but...

Michael even took him on tour with him once.

But people forget Elmer-- Elmer the gorilla.

Elmer was Michael Jackson's special gorilla,

and then one day, he was my special gorilla.

How's that?

When Michael died and they cleared out Neverland,

those of us who had connections in the animal community,

we got first dibs,

and my wife at the time and I, we had a sanctuary

and we were a perfect fit.

Yeah, well, let's just say things went belly-up on all fronts.

It's just me and Elmer now.

I wanna see him.

What makes you think you can handle this?

Experience. Training.

Really?

Have you ever been to Vallejo?

It's in Northern California.

- No. - Well,

there's an animal park there.

It's called Marine World.

Or it was. Six Flags bought it

and it's a big fat roller coaster abomination now.

- ( laughs ) - I loved going there as a kid,

and when I got to be the right age,

I went to work there.

No shit. That's awesome.

And eventually I got to work with the gorillas. Mm-hmm.

I was one of the gorilla girls.

Gorilla girls.

Yeah, that's what they called us.

( both chuckle )

Marine World had the largest number of gorillas in captivity

on the West Coast,

and the gorillas would go into these fits,

and we developed these highly specialized processes to calm then down.

Right, right, right, right!

My wife, she used to show Elmer her breasts,

she'd just pop 'em out, and it would chill him right out.

Is that--

Is that what you were gonna say?

No, that-- that seems odd to me.

Yeah, well, when he gets into the red zone,

you got very few options.

Allan...

( sighs )

do you believe that I'm the real thing?

I believe you.

So if you believe me, why aren't we making this deal happen?

( laughing )

Wow. You get to the point, I'll give ya that.

You get to the point.

He needs to be with someone

who knows how to take care of him.

You know what?

Do you even have the fucking money? Huh?

Now that this is all out in the open, let's see the cash.

Get it out, lay it on the table.

All right, all right, hold your horses.

That smell real to you?

Yeah, it smells like ten grand.

You can count it if you want.

No, the weight feels right.

Well, maybe I'll-- I'll count it.

A Taser gun? Are you serious?

I can't leave anything up to chance.

- You don't carry one? - I don't believe in them.

You get into a situation where you need something like this,

it's probably your own damn fault

and you're gonna get what you deserve.

If that really is Elmer in there,

how'd you get him to be so quiet?

Why doesn't he just open the door and come out on his own?

He's a little on the lethargic side.

I just kinda set him in a spot where he's comfortable, and he just stays put.

You haven't altered his diet in any weird way or anything?

I mean... he's not sick?

I'm not sellin' him 'cause I don't know how to take care of him.

Is that what you're asking? Huh?

So why are you selling him, then?

It's time. It's--

He's grown financially unsustainable

and I can't keep him in a lifestyle

that he's accustomed to anymore.

I can assure you

he will receive all the care that is required with me,

at my sanctuary.

I've had many, many like him under my supervision.

No! No, no, no! Don't open that!

He's not ready.

He's not ready, or you're not ready?

If you're gonna meet him,

I want the mood to be right, OK?

He is all about first impressions.

Hmm?

( blowing )

( ambient jungle sounds play on tape )

OK.

OK. This feels right.

I think we're ready.

All right, I'm--

I-- I'd just avoid direct eye contact with him,

he's been in there a couple hours,

he may be a little cracked out.

You don't want me to look at him?

No, you can look at him, just don't, you know, sneer at him.

Don't worry about me.

( laughs ) I'm not worried about you.

OK. ( snaps fingers )

Here we go.

( ambient jungle sounds continue )

- Hi, baby. - ( gorilla huffs )

Hi, big boy. Hi!

- How are you? - ( door closes )

I know it's been a really long time,

and you've been so patient,

you've been so patient in here.

Now it's time to come out. OK?

You wanna take my hand?

Come on. Come on, baby.

Good boy.

Good boy.

There we go.

Yeah, buddy, yeah, good boy.

Good boy.

There you go. Right onto the corner.

Yeah, good boy!

Good boy.

Who's a handsome boy?

Is that a handsome boy?

Good boy.

Sharon...

meet Elmer.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let him come to you. Here.

( low growl )

Why are you giving him bananas? He's not a chimpanzee.

I know, but he likes 'em, and if you want him

to come to you, you'll give 'em to him.

- Just remember to keep your-- - Keep my fingers together.

Don't worry, I know what I'm doin'.

Allan: It's OK, buddy. It's OK.

This is Sharon, she's our new friend.

Yeah, it's OK.

- It's OK, buddy. - Hey.

It's OK.

Good boy. Good boy.

So...

what do you think of Elmer?

Oh, he's cute.

You think he's cute?

Yeah. I've seen 'em ugly before.

This guy's a cutie.

Cute.

You know what?

I don't think this is the right fit. Oh, buddy...

I don't know how else I can assure you, Allan,

I've got 20 years' experience with primates.

Specifically with Elmer's genus.

So then you know what it means that he's almost 20 years old

and he's lived his entire life in captivity.

Well, besides his time with you, it sounds like he's had a rich lifestyle for a gorilla.

We do all right. OK?

It took some time,

but Elmer's gotten used to life on the road.

You've been traveling with him?

You know that's complete havoc on his nervous system!

Of course I do, goddamnit.

Why do you think you're here? Huh?

Since Elmer came into my life,

he's been mine, he's been my blood.

And it was great.

But now suddenly he's matured, and I've got

a fuckin' seriously fucking intense animal on my hands.

I mean, it is fucked up.

He's gotta take Xanax just to exist in this dogshit world.

You-- You've been giving him Xanax?!

Hell yes, I have.

Every day for the past five years

I've put it in his treats.

Does the trick.

No side effects.

Well, you do realize

that he is basically addicted now?

Yeah. It's the only thing keeping him from ripping my damn face off.

OK? This dude has zero impulse control.

He doesn't understand things on a human level.

In his mind, he's still in the jungle.

( huffing )

He's not supposed to be here.

You're tellin' me.

He's not supposed to be in this hotel room, he's...

nor is he supposed to be living in your van.

He needs to be in a facility where there are caretakers

who know how to respond to his needs.

You know what?

I'm sick of your condescending shit.

Deal's off.

Come on, buddy, let's get the fuck outta here.

- ( Elmer purrs ) - I don't understand.

Here's how it's gonna go from this point, Allan.

You're gonna turn around, you're gonna walk away from me,

placing your hands on the wall.

I'm gonna radio backup,

and were going to take Elmer to his new home.

I'm placing you under arrest

for trafficking in unlicensed exotic animals.

No. Come-- This isn't how it was supposed to happen.

Our entire conversation has been recorded, Allan.

It's the only way.

No, no, I can't-- I can't leave him with you.

He's scared. Look at him.

Elmer?

Elmer?

- ( Sharon gasps ) - ( Taser powering up )

( low growl )

( whispers ) Does he know what that is?

God in heaven, I have no idea.

Has he ever seen a gun before?

( stammers ) Oh, God--

He's got a squirt gun that I let him play with.

He loves Dirty Harry movies.

I don't think he's ever seen a real one, though.

Sharon: Elmer?

You need to put that down.

( crackling )

- Tell him. - Hey. Hey, buddy.

( low growl )

Hey.

Hi. You know what?

I am not gonna yell at you,

I'm not, but I'm gonna ask you to give me that toy.

OK, big boy? And then Daddy's gonna--

- ( Taser crackling ) - Aaaah!

Oh, God! Oh, fuck! Fuck!

- Are you OK? - Oh, God, it hurts like a motherfucker!

I can't feel my legs!

- Jesus! OK-- - Dude! What the fuck?!

I'm gonna radio backup. You stay on the ground.

You do that.

Oh, fuck! It's in my purse. The radio.

( Taser crackling )

- ( Allan groans ) - Sharon: OK.

OK.

Yeah. Yes.

It's OK, Elmer.

Hey, buddy.

OK.

It's OK. Shh...

- ( crackling ) - Arrghh!!!

Jesus! I said don't move!

He was gonna zap you!

I took the fuckin' hit for you!

- Oh, son of a bitch! - ( Taser crackling )

Take it away from him!

Uh, does he know any verbal cues?

- Any trigger words? - He speaks English.

Uh, OK.

Allan: Elmer, please,

give the pretty lady the toy.

I'm begging you, give her the toy.

- ( growling ) - Oh, fuck!

Allan. Allan, wha-- what's happening?

It's the red zone. He's in the fuckin' red zone.

( roaring )

OK...

OK.

What are you doing?

Shhh!

Uh, I don't think he's gonna be...

Oh. Wow.

Oh, OK.

That's it... buddy,

that's it, Elmer.

Elmer...

Elmer.

There we go.

That's the Elmer that I want to see.

Yeah, nice and easy, I'm--

I'm just...

I'm gonna...

- yeah... - ( Taser crackling )

- Arrghh! - Elmer! No!

No! Shar- Sharon.

Are you OK? Sharon?

Elmer, dude.

Buddy...

Ah, fuck. Thank you so much.

Wait. Elmer, no!

No!!!

Do not walk away from me!

Elmer.

( music playing )

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Itchy, itchy shakes.

Hey! It's me!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Those itchy shakes.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

-(CHUCKLES) -♪ Hey! ♪

I love this song, man!

♪ Hey, hey Those itchy, itchy shakes ♪

♪ Yeah! Those itchy, itchy shakes ♪