Original subtitles

This place has got a great surround sound, man.

Schlockbuster, happy Halloween.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we carry porn.

What do I recommend?

Schindler's Fist. How Stella got her tube packed.

Six degrees of penetration.

It's a good one. Glad he ate her.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. You're welcome, Grandma.

Dad! There's a cockroach in the ladies' room. It's your turn to kill it. Dude,

come on.

You know my motto.

There's always someone better for the job.

Now! I'm off in ten minutes. Can't you have somebody from the late shift do it?

No, I'm the manager, and I say you have to do it. I got bongs older than you.

Well, I'm still the boss, and I say you have to do it.

Don't make me write you up.

Here, you're gonna need it.

Funny, I watched The Notebook last night, and I actually liked it. You

The Notebook, and you liked it?

Yeah, I'm actually thinking about watching Titanic tonight, too.

Take it in me!

This Blair Witch Project is some scary shit. Oh, no!

Someone rearranging rocks again.

See, see, this is why bad people don't go camping.

Well, how does that bitch got to keep trying that lighter for dripping,

Damn.

Thanks for scaring the shit out of us.

We would have let you join in.

Oh, yeah.

Cockblock myself.

I'm ready to peanut you.

Sorry, uh, dude, I, uh, thought this was available, but it's okay. I don't

actually need it because I just pissed myself.

You look tense.

Uh, you need a magazine? Toilet paper?

I didn't get you a magazine.

Ah, you're a fan of the Kobe Bryant position?

paper towels in the ladies room and these little puppies these lady diaper

things are super absorbent i'll start doing my dishes with those you gotta

somebody about the cockroach in the bathroom ask for a truck a very big

anyways you're gonna need this what's that it's the videos that you promised

owner that you'd deliver to his mother dude no

I've got my friends right outside waiting for me. We're going to the

Halloween party ever, okay? Can someone else do it? No, you promised. And if you

want to have a job here on Monday, I would suggest that you do it.

No. What?

No. I'm sorry?

No!

Damn,

this is my date, Mia.

Well, hello, Mia.

Hi. Why did you come dressed as a cowboy?

What? I told you I was going to come as an Indian.

Now people are going to think that we're together.

Well, I think the correct term is Native American.

And you look like Bret Michaels.

Oh, yeah?

Not a good look.

Hey! Whoa!

God, I forgot, okay?

Yeah, right. I did, I swear. I didn't think you were going to wear that.

I thought you guys looked cute together.

See? That's the problem, because we're not together anymore.

So, Mia.

What are you doing?

Well, I used to be an exotic dancer, but now I'm in the fresh therapy.

Oh, isn't that like the same thing?

No, one you dance naked, and the other you whack people off.

I just got a music gig.

A music gig?

Karaoke doesn't count as a music.

All right, maybe.

Chill out.

I'll have us at a party in like ten minutes, and then you guys can separate.

Hey, can we make a quick stop before we go to the party? What stop?

I gotta drop off these videos at my boss's mom's house.

Where does she live?

Linwood. What?

Isn't the party downtown?

Quick detour. In the complete opposite direction. It's not even close to being

close by.

Come on, E.

Highway driving, man. We'll get there in no time. No way.

Nope. All right, but if I can't drop off these videos, I'm going to lose my job,

and then I won't be able to pay you guys the money I owe you, both of you.

So, if you want, whatever.

I want your money.

Okay.

His pent leads to this door.

But remember, I get the first taste of his raw flesh.

It's not worth it. Not worth it.

Awesome.

Nice costume. You're like the third one tonight.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Mr.

Helsing.

You should watch this one.

It's super tight.

Can you hold her for a minute for me? I

just need to get my wallet out.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Uh, I'll have a box of the hot tamales then.

Oh, man, I knew it was too good to be true. It's probably a traffic

jam.

Oh,

snap, Teddy.

Milk alert, three o 'clock.

Oh.

You're so gross.

What? What?

Oh, oh, Teddy.

Teddy, there's a milk alert. Three o 'clock.

You think I don't know what that means?

What's a milk alert?

I can't believe I ever even went out with you. The best six weeks of your

It was two weeks. Yeah, but I was doing you in my mind for the other four.

Aw, you're so sweet.

No.

Ah! Did you guys see that?

What, another MILF? No!

In the MILF van.

That doll mimed a blowjob and started smacking his ass.

That's so weird.

No, no, no, no, that's not weird at all. It's, you know, it's a MILF driving a

car with a doll that's miming a blowjob and smacking his ass. Yeah, yeah.

Sounds perfectly normal.

My brother said I used to give a G .I. Joe doll a boner. Go!

Okay, you probably want to keep that to yourself.

You know what? Forget I even said it.

Oh, no.

We won't be forgetting that one.

Nope, that one right... right up here.

Oh, there's plenty of room for that, then. Well, instead of defense, there is

phenomenon called an urban mirage. Forget it, dude. You do not have to

me. I'm just saying, when people get stressed out in urban settings, it

I saw what I saw.

Did another doll just moon you?

No, we missed our exit.

Why aren't you paying attention? Dude, that doll freaked me out!

It's all right, just take the next exit. I know how to get there taking the back

roads. I've heard that before.

All right, which way?

Uh, straight.

Oh, hell, but there were some fucking streets, huh?

Yeah, I saw it.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Ew, and I'm a vegetarian.

It's slowing down. I think he's trying to box us in.

Teddy, she's right. Go around him. All right, hang on.

Teddy, you got to speed up. I'm flooring it.

Whoa! What the hell is driving that truck?

Looks like a purse I bought in Tijuana.

Oh, great.

Now he's speeding up.

All those... Oh, my God.

Teddy, drop back. I can't.

There's another semi coming.

I can't... Are we dead?

No. But we should be.

Teddy? That was awesome, man. You should be a stunt car driver.

I wanted to be a stunt man, but a little thing called law school got in the way.

What do we do now?

We do nothing.

My motto is don't get involved.

I thought you said you knew how to get us back on the highway.

Why don't we just knock on the door of one of these houses out here?

Wrong answer. Ever seen a little movie called The Hills Have Eyes? This whole

place is crawling with flesh -eating inbreds. Okay, sister?

I say we just chill and enjoy the drive.

What are you doing?

Meditating myself, man.

That was a really stressful situation back there. I need to settle the nerves.

Okay.

It's my mom's van, but... Smells

good,

though.

Okay.

Just make sure nobody burns the upholstery.

Is it smoky in here?

I feel, like, really dick.

Mm -hmm.

What the hell is in that shit?

It's like a recipe.

Look, it's really cool.

Man,

you're like the Rachel Ray of weed.

Rachel Ray.

I feel numb all over.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm just working on some acupressure points.

Oh! Whoa!

Sorry.

This man just went from an automatic to a stick chair and said he got a boner.

You know, she's shy.

What the hell was that?

It looked like a baby bear.

Where are you going?

To see if it's all right. Are you insane?

If that's a baby bear, then there's a mama bear out there wanting to kick some

ass.

Medical professional.

Let me take a note.

Massage ain't medicine.

Well, we can't let her go out there alone.

Okay, fine. I'll go out there.

Wait.

Teddy, you probably should go out there.

No, I'm not going. We both go.

You're gonna call us pussies if we don't go.

Wait a minute.

Okay.

I think it's a Rottweiler.

He's hurt bad. I don't think he's going to make it.

Hey, hey, hey. Here comes a pickup truck.

Oh, well, that's good. We can maybe flag him down, and then he can take the dog

to a vet.

Go, go. Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

Listen, we hit the dog. Bro, we didn't hit the dog.

What?

There's a dog there.

We are citizens, so we see it and stop. Now we're talking to you.

Hey, citizen.

Can you help us out?

Sammy boy?

That's my Sammy boy!

Oh, shit.

Oh, my baby boy.

Daddy's here now.

Sorry, Daddy, but...

I think he's gone.

He may be gone to see a devil like you.

Help me up.

But I'm going to take him home.

I'm going to fix him.

We're going to get you for this.

I'm going to take Samuel home and make him better. And then we're going to hunt

you down.

What just happened back there? You killed a dog.

And now he's going to kill us. Don't talk about it. My motto is don't talk

it and it'll serve me well.

Well, no wonder you can't get any. So put your mottos are don't get involved,

don't talk about it.

Oh, I get any. I get plenty of any.

Trust me.

Oh, look at this guy up here.

Hitching in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah, sure, buddy.

Sure, we'll pick you up, Mr. Mass Murderer.

Uh, um, you're kidding, right?

You... Teddy, you... No, no, Teddy's just fucking with him. He's gonna wait

he gets really close, then Teddy's gonna floor it and take off.

Nope, I'm giving him a ride.

No way!

Hey, do you know what it's like to be black and need a ride? Okay, nobody

for you. I want to sit outside downtown for 40 minutes and nobody would pick me

up. Were you wearing that costume?

Well, this guy's not black.

You don't have to be black to be a prey. Oh, yeah, so we got to get hacked up to

PJ's because you want to level the playing field?

Yeah,

hop in, ma 'am.

Thanks.

I was freezing.

This is all I had on when I got out.

Got out? Yeah.

I was at Chino State.

Oh, um, the university?

No.

Prison. It was a bum rap. That's why I took off.

Pretty much had to after the riot.

That riot that you were referring to? What was that about?

Ah, stabbing.

He was from the Black Gorilla family.

Touched my spoon at lunch.

I pretty much had to shank him.

You gotta shank him.

You can't just touch a spoon.

No, that's... Yeah, touch your spoon, man.

Is this going just like you planned there, Teddy?

I have a question for Mr.

Hacker.

Butcher. Sure thing, baby girl.

How is it that you got invited to prison in the first place?

This particular instance that you're referring to, well, that was because of

tease and squeeze.

What's a tease and squeeze?

Sorry. I think it was a prison plane year.

No, I was convicted of the torture and murder of two nursing students.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Sorry.

Woo -hoo!

Just, uh, my mom's a nurse. Not around here, though. Not around Linwood at all.

Yeah, anyways, it was bullshit.

Suffocated her with a pillow.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, anyway, her roommate witnessed it, and I had taken some acid, so it waked

out, you know, and the next thing I knew, room was full of body parts!

Anyway, who's got some weed?

I got the nose of a bloodhound.

You sure do, yeah, you sure do.

I got a bag of some great stuff, actually, right there underneath your

just gotta...

Reach over the back.

It's in the back.

Reach over there. Reach all the way over.

Stretch it out.

I just killed a man. You didn't kill him. Okay, I maimed him. Guy's flopping

down on the street.

Well, now might be a good time to invoke your motto, don't talk about it.

Guys, are we going to go to this party? Because so far I'm having a really lousy

Halloween.

It's time for gas and kid direction.

Maybe get some chips.

What can I do you for, Superman?

Fill her up, please.

Check the oil.

Sure. Thank you.

Man, that hippie chick is cool as hell, full service. That's cool. Places don't

do that anymore.

Yeah, but don't forget, full service costs extra.

Well, I don't know about your oil.

But you've got quite a bit of blood and fur on the front of your car.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, that, uh... Well, it's... Halloween!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, I'm a cowboy!

But, uh, yeah, we go all out. Not only do we dress up, we dress up our van,

Halloween, right!

Halloween.

We don't participate in those pagan rituals around here.

Well, I'm a Baptist, so we just kind of sort of play along.

Play along.

Do you have a restroom?

It's right there.

But you need the key.

Thank you.

Snacks and drinks inside if you want them.

I could go for a little snack.

You. Who?

You. Me?

Van Helsing.

No, man, Stan.

My name's Stan Helsing. How did you know my last name? Not Stan, Van.

You are Van Helsing, the great monster hunter.

Yo, chief.

Think you're mistaking me for somebody else. My name's Stan, all right? That

doesn't even... I don't know, man. I mean, kind of looks just like you, Stan.

Better hair.

That's some weird shit.

You guys, Mia's taking a really long time in the bathroom.

Cold drinks in the fridge against the wall. Help yourself.

We'll be right back.

Got to go upstairs and refill the coffee maker.

What do you think?

Donuts.

No, pot of coffee right here. Want some coffee?

Okay, you guys be totally honest.

Does my vagina make me look fat?

I can't even see your vagina.

I wish I could.

I wish I could.

So sweet.

Oh, my God, I totally thought we were busted there when she mentioned the

on the car.

Oh, yeah, luckily Spain saved the day.

The boy's always thinking.

What you got?

Girl, I didn't know you liked old Spain. Let's...

You know, tugging his totem pole. You, man.

You were watching me go to the bathroom.

I was not.

Okay, you know what? You pervs do what you gotta do. We're gonna go.

Yeah.

Oh! You owe me 40 bucks for the gas.

Teddy, pay her.

It's my emergency cash.

You know, you guys are lucky we don't call a cop on you and Chief Spinks a

You and your whores get off of our property.

to the party.

I can't believe that guy was watching you pee while you masturbated. You know,

Mia, he probably watched you, too.

Yeah, he did.

What, you know that for sure? Oh, yeah, I saw him.

What? Why didn't you tell us? Oh, because I put on a little show for him

thought he was, you know, finished.

You put on a little show for him?

Yeah, I felt sorry for him.

Anyway, that's the real reason I changed.

Take this right! Take this right!

Oh, my God.

Okay, we're on Mockingbird Lane.

This takes us right to the main gate of where we're going. It's about a quarter

mile ahead.

Evening. Evening.

We going to a party?

Um... We're making a delivery.

Deliveries go to the East Gate.

This is the West Gate.

Well, how do you get to the East Gate?

The East Gate doesn't open for delivery until 7 a .m.

You look very familiar.

West Gate?

Well, why don't you hit it with a little WD -40? We're my chainsaw sticks.

That always does the trick.

You're welcome.

Yeah, we're not really making an official delivery.

We're kind of just dropping something off to a friend.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Welcome to Stormy Night Estates.

You know how it got its name?

No. It used to be the back lot for Stormy Night Pictures.

They made all of the popular horror movies right up until the fire.

Westgate.

A hockey mask?

That's a new one.

Yeah, but he shouldn't be looking in your window.

I'll keep an eye out.

The fire started at midnight.

Hey, if we could... Then developers bought this land and built this.

But they still say you shouldn't be out here after midnight.

We're kind of in a hurry. Can we just go on our way?

Oh, be my guest.

Westgate.

You're afraid to go to sleep?

What kind of nightmares?

All right, so what are we looking for?

1428 Elm Street, the last house on the left.

What's wrong?

The gate says we're empty.

And that crazy hippie lady didn't put any gas in the car.

As a matter of fact, I bet you side from some of them out.

Well, let's get out. I mean, it's a gated community. It can't be that far.

Why don't we just, you

know, ask the security guard?

That's weird. He's gone.

Well, come on. We got a party to go to. Let's drop off these videos.

Well, I guess that guy's down to oil for his chainsaw.

Oh my gosh. Check out the dates they all die.

What a coincidence.

Never more.

That sounds familiar.

You're an idiot.

Hey, that sounds familiar too.

Faster! Spit on it! Spit on it!

How much do I owe you?

Now leave.

Oh, my God. Three in a row. Something is going on.

One in a rocket, suckers. That's all.

Hey, check out the guy running the truck.

Oh, great, because after seeing that, I'm starving.

Come on, man. I'm talking about the ice cream, not the pictures.

Forget it.

I'm not gay, so I don't know what you guys are staring at me for.

Oh, great.

Great people do.

That's that guy.

That's that guy.

You'd think they'd never seen a brother in a superhero costume before.

How you doing?

How you doing? Okay.

How's your dog?

Good.

Good evening, everybody. How are you, folks?

Good evening.

Good evening.

All right.

Yes, those are her breasts.

That is a black man in a Superman outfit. All right, well.

Let's have a seat here. Okay. Oh, here's the table. Let's sit down right here.

All right.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

All right, everybody.

A couple of pies.

Damn! Now, what can I do for you?

Menus? No menus.

We make everything here.

Great. Well, I'll have three cheeseburgers for here, one to go, extra

french fries, and a triple chocolate shake.

Would you like that and an IV?

It's quicker.

No.

No. Can I get some sliced mango, a pinch of salt, a squeeze of lemon, Diet Coke,

and a can of Bendy Strong? You got it, cowgirl.

And I'm going to have a chicken pot pie and an iced tea, please.

You know, this is the first time I've seen a push -up bra in an Indian.

Well, actually, you know, the correct term is Native American, so... Parker,

going to... Around here, the native term is hooker. Hmm?

Oh, I'll have a salad... Never mind.

She just called me a hooker.

I'm going to talk to the manager. I don't think they like how she's talking

us. One order from the freak at Table 9.

Might want to rethink about talking to the manager. You know what? Let's just

eat and deliver those videos and get out of town.

Well, we can't since we don't have any gas.

Remember? That's right.

All right, well, I'll call AAA.

And then if they're not here by the time we're done, I guess I'll just call a

taxi. Is that all right?

I'm not getting a signal up in here. Cell phones don't work in the stormy

of state.

Why though? Because they don't want anybody calling out to the outside

No one? Told you never to bother the customers. I'm sorry.

Okay, drinks for everybody.

Uh, who gets what?

Who's the manager? The back wall, turn right.

Hey buddy, how about a courtesy flush, huh?

Thank you.

Hey pal, you think you could pass me a roll of toilet paper, please?

Here you go.

But whatever you do, don't be in town after midnight.

You guys are crazy.

So I'm in the stall doing my business, and the guy next to me in the stall

for some toilet paper, and I said, sure. So when he reached his hand underneath

the... You guys are out.

Out what? Where?

What are you talking about? The thing.

Your group. What are you talking about? We're not singing.

We're not singing.

But what'd you sign up for?

We didn't sign up. Your friend Superman here signed you up when you were in the

men's room.

Teddy? Teddy?

Are you kidding me? Why did you sign us up?

Well, I figured, you know, it would help us fit in, you know what I mean? What

is it about fitting in? Teddy, you're the only brother here wearing a Superman

outfit. Fit in?

Fit in?

We're not going to sing.

Take us off the list, okay? Just take us off the list. All right, all right.

Uh, the freaks at table nine say they're too good.

You're singing karaoke at our shitties in the morning.

I didn't say shitties. Everybody calm

down.

The Ring of Fire.

I fell into a burning ring of fire. I went down, down, down.

The flames went higher.

And it burned, burned, burned.

The Ring of Fire.

We just thought you guys might like a little Johnny Cash.

We like Johnny Cash.

It's just we're still a little sensitive about fires ever since the one that

destroyed and cursed our town.

That's right. That's right. The security guard told us.

Your whole town burned up.

Sorry.

Well...

Howdy, I'm Stan Helsing. Hey, did you say Van Helsing? No, I didn't say Van

Helsing. I said Stan Helsing. Stan Helsing, not Van Helsing. Why does

want me to be Van Helsing?

Ever since the fire, this town has been tormented by monsters.

And legend has it that one day, a Van Helsing will come and

save us from this curse.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm...

Stan Helsing, not Van Helsing. I'm not here to save anybody.

Sorry.

Well, I'm glad I didn't suggest we sing Clay Aiken.

Stan, I don't understand why you're ducking this whole Van Helsing thing.

not ducking anything.

I'm Stan.

Stan, man. I'm not a monster killer. I don't want to let these townspeople

Don't worry. It's just a clock.

That can't be good.

I forgot my cell phone.

All right.

The door's locked.

Well, go get your phone, Teddy.

I have a flashlight.

I can't run anymore.

I ain't running no more.

What the hell are you doing? What is that?

Where's my to -go burger?

Prepare yourself to die, mortal.

All

town

is full of shit.

This is like the sixth sense, and we're the ones who are really dead.

You know what, Mia?

I've been holding something back all night, so I'm just going to go ahead and

say it now. That doesn't make any sense, you stupid bitch.

Yeah, I feel better now.

Try to guard half -bone. Good idea.

Big surprise. It's dead.

Hello? We know who you are.

Who is this?

How'd you like my ass?

Dad? I may be a little doll, but I'm going to chop you and your friends into

pieces.

Do you know what that was?

That was that doll that we were driving next to that showed me his ass.

Oh, my God.

Stan, I know it's been a stressful night, but there was no doll.

And there definitely was no doll showing you his ass.

I'm out of here.

Come on.

Nadine? Yes?

Why do we break up?

Don't you remember?

I think so.

Yeah, so, I told the guy, I was like, listen, I'm the only guy here at Kiryoki

Bar that's in the Temple of the Dog.

I don't lay down the law, you know?

I just think that grunge didn't have enough time to, like, fully mature, you

know? It was still evolving.

And that's what I'm trying to do, to bring my music back to that scene.

How did you do that? I don't know.

Ever since I was a kid, I was able to snatch bugs and stuff.

Wow.

I'll go get it.

Since you paid and all.

It's not.

So hungry.

I'm gonna eat you.

What?

I think we should stop seeing each other.

Who are you doing?

Dan.

Dan. Dan, are you okay?

Nadine? Yeah?

Are you wearing any underwear?

Yep, he's fine.

That was the flashback.

Oh, it's terrible.

But the food was delicious.

All right, well, let's go find the East Gate. Good idea.

I taste metal.

East Gate. Oh. East Gate.

Okay.

Well, look, this place can't be that big. We'll find somebody to help us out.

Drop these videos off and get out of this godforsaken place.

Hey, look, a truck.

Hey, it's stopping.

What is he doing?

We should ask him for some help. Nope.

We should.

Who else is there? Hey, buddy!

Hey! Excuse me, sir!

Over here!

You! With the yarmulke!

Oh, he's leaving.

Wait a minute.

What was he doing?

He threw something down that metal tube. Yeah, but that something was moving.

And that something was bloody.

Hello? Hey, Mia, hand me your flashlight.

Oh, sure.

What are you doing?

Sorry.

a reverse POV.

You should have grabbed your hands.

You know what? I'm going to just keep these for later.

No, evidence.

Help me! I'm not wearing any underwear!

Hey.

A perfectly good pencil.

Can you pull me up?

You know, I think you're going to have to get in the tube and grab his ankles,

and then I'll hold onto yours.

Are you going to look up my skirt?

No, probably.

Okay.

I'm like a lost little dog.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Okay.

It came out. Okay.

Yeah, that's what you bitches always think.

To somebody else.

Not Teddy. Teddy gets it done.

Ain't nobody out here.

Where am I?

Where is this place?

I don't know, but your hands are on my breast.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He's my friend.

Oh no, I think he's hurt.

Is that someone's

ass?

Oh, my God. Help me.

Dude, you look like shit. You're like a really messed up Paul Giamatti.

Who did this to you?

It's horrible.

It's vicious.

It's... It's... It's what?

For the love of God, tell us!

It's behind you.

There's a priest inside who can help us.

Let's go.

It worked.

He didn't follow us in.

This place is so beautiful.

Makes me wish I'd worn my nun costume.

Disturbing. Jesus!

Jesus Christ!

You can't sneak up on me like that, Father. I'm not a priest.

I'm an altar boy.

Almost a priest.

Okay. Hey, what do you think you can maybe, like, um, hide us? You know, keep

safe?

Oh, I can hide them.

I mean, I can hide you.

But you will never be safe.

I think he likes you.

You are Van Helsing, the monster killer.

Oh, man, not you, too. Look, dude, it's Dan. It's Dan Helsing. I'm no monster

killer. I work at a video store.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I thought you said you weren't a priest.

Almost a priest.

He is Dan Van Helsing.

Descendant of Dr.

Abraham Van Helsing.

And salvation of all who are trapped in stormy night of states.

Why do you reject the role you were born to?

Go ahead, Stan.

Tell him some of your modems. Okay. Look, dude. I just like to go with the

What's the problem with that? I'm no monster killer.

Certainly no leader.

I'm just here to drop off these videos.

It has been said.

That some are born to greatness.

Some achieve greatness.

And some have greatness thrust upon them.

Sweet greatness.

Are you sure you're not a priest?

This close. Almost a priest.

Okay.

What's the plan?

Follow me.

Please, come this way.

Hang your torches on the wall.

I will give you some item that will aid you in your quest.

Sweet. Yeah, yeah, you will.

Holy chest of mystery.

For you, this sweet jacket.

That is really going to bring out the color of your eyes.

Not to be referred to now, but upon meeting the enemy.

Oh, right.

Because I'm sure the monsters will wait on killing us while I read my monster

handbook.

Filled with holy water. Yeah, that's mine. No, it's not. To buy you the time.

I wonder if Jesus used that.

Say, man, what about the rest of us?

You will know, once you use this, why it alters

your look.

I didn't know my look needed altering. Well, you could pluck your eyebrow.

And for you.

No explanation necessary.

Triple lot 3 ,000.

I wanted these for Christmas. And for you.

Two for one. Oh, for when you get hungry.

One final shameless product placement.

A fat burger for my fat little superhero.

There you go, big guy.

Hope this doesn't turn into their dude with the needles on his head.

Maybe we should camp out here until morning and call a taxi.

No! How dare you reject the opportunity that has been given you.

Speak up!

God help you.

Thanks, Dan.

What? Not many people can say they've actually been thrown out of a church.

What's this?

Oh, what? Whoa!

You know what I'm thinking?

There you go.

There you

go.

What are you guys' names, huh?

Names? What are names?

Don't tell us your names. Tell us your stripper names.

Well,

I hope he's out of town on business.

How much for a lockdown?

Right here in your hole.

Oh, look at those O's.

What is your name?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I wanted to show you something

If your name is Van Helsing, the answer is yes.

Oh. Hey.

We were, uh, doing a little, uh, uh, recon.

That's all.

What's that up there?

Uh, about a two by 30?

Yeah, that's a two by 30.

I have to admit, as a fellow professional, those dancers were pretty

Yeah, I think that one girl was ambidextrous.

Wow, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

You know, all this monster killing is...

Bullshit. Our first plan should be to escape. We need to find the east gate.

I'm with you. Me too.

Me too. It's anonymous.

Hey, there's a guy. Maybe he can help us. Hey, sir.

Do you know how to get to the...

You shall not pass!

The fact that we've been in constant danger from the moment we got here. This

town is really cute.

Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.

Shhh.

Shhh.

Shhh.

Shhh.

Shhh. Shhh.

Sh

Maybe we should try hiding in this house. I'm tired of running.

Let's do it.

Well, in case you saw, I've come in here.

Is it a bathroom?

Look, it's a pay phone.

It's a token.

Operator, up!

Hi there, baby.

Anything you need to get off your mind?

I think that one has a double meaning, babe.

We'll do whatever you want.

We don't want to jerk you around.

Yeah, that one has a double meaning, too.

That's pretty specific.

I think I just got off.

That's okay.

That could happen to anyone, even Stan.

Oh, little Stan.

Yeah.

Dan!

More cream, Dan.

Yeah. Sorry.

Can I call you back?

Mm -hmm.

We should try a third.

Do you take debit card?

This is good.

Come on, move the bed.

Lock the door.

Barely keep my eyes.

Guys We did it we did it

I

Know I

ruined our night, and I'm sorry, but since it's daylight.

I really like to drop off this video.

Can we get some breakfast? I'm starving It's so

weird

Can you say, bitch slap?

Man, I had this nightmare.

Me too. The guy had like a Swiss Army knife on his head. And he smacked us.

Across the face.

When did you change into a nurse's outfit?

Oh, in my dream.

Well, we can't fall asleep again because that's when he'll kill us.

Oh, there's a TV. Let's put that on.

We'll keep you posted on this election.

And in local news... Tonight, police are looking for this man. His name is

Finbar O 'Hara, an escaped murderer also known as the Butcher. Hey, that's the

guy we picked up. A busload of Linwood special education students found him

lying on New Road after he had been thrown from a moving vehicle.

He wasn't thrown. He let go. Once inside the bus, he turned on his Good

Samaritans, killed the driver, and all but one of the special ed students.

The lone surviving special education student described the killer as screamy

bossy. I didn't think he was bossy. In other news, a Margate couple was

this evening for selling pornography that was shot surreptitiously while

used the bathroom at the couple's gas station.

Channel 5 News was there exclusively when the bust went down.

Some of the footage was shot as recently as this evening.

Maybe we'll get residuals. And finally tonight, the death of a local hero.

Sammy Boy was the victim of a hit -and -run accident.

Viewers might remember Sammy Boy from a story we did a couple of months ago when

Sammy Boy rescued several children from a fire at the Ventnor orphanage. Sammy

Boy's owner was too distraught to speak to us on camera, but he said he vowed to

get those who killed Sammy Boy and, quote, butcher them like pigs.

That's all for tonight. I'm Doriana Kitt.

waiting for us.

While I'm tired of waiting to be slaughtered, I'm going to do something

it.

trying to kill it to a whole team. Well, that's because I don't like getting

involved. We need to get out of here, OK? We're trapped in here like sitting

ducks.

His cock is green.

His fangs are certainly marks.

What's that in the mouth? It's a combination of tanning oil and poop. Oh,

the hell is this?

We're making a gay porno.

That's what we do here at Cornhole Pictures.

Cornhole Pictures? Hey, how did these looky -loos get on my set?

Get these freaks out of here. Hey, man, we're going. We're just trying to, like,

get through this house and then, uh... We're trying to drop off these videos

then we'll go on our way.

Raising Ryan's private?

What?

Set the clock back.

Oh, he got lube on the bag.

He got lube.

Why do you have this? I'm just dropping them off, man.

Get them out of here.

Who would have thought that Stormy Night Pictures is now the home to porn?

Oh, you guys.

He kind of looks

like that dog we hit on the road.

You mean Sammy Boy?

That's Sammy Boy's son.

This is Sammy Boy.

Whoa.

Hey, Sammy Boy.

Looking good.

Nice job.

Barely noticed.

He hasn't been the same since you hit him with your car.

You can't eat?

No, he's starving.

Have you tried Ensure?

They're these little milkshakes. We gave them to my grandfather one time and he

couldn't poop.

It was all... Stop eating meat!

There was a sizzler that we just passed on the way over here. Raw meat.

We don't have to cook it?

Anybody else got any big, bright ideas?

No, but I have this.

What do you got there?

That's fantastic, Mia. Keep doing that.

You're controlling them.

You guys,

I'm like those guys in Vegas with the tigers, Sigmund and Freud.

You know, we have so many people after us. If we don't get to a landline soon

and call for a ride, we're not going to make it through this night alive.

If you'd rather, it's that cab phone.

What cab phone?

The one in the town square that we passed.

Did you guys hear that?

All right.

All right, thanks.

So I called the dispatcher.

The cab will be here in 20 minutes.

And did you tell him to call the police?

On who?

Us, for killing that hero dog.

Yeah, he's got a point.

So, we still going to this party? Party?

I just want to go home.

Oh, we're not home yet.

Oh, Rams, get your programs right here. Get them while they're hot. There you

go, time, sir. One dollar to please. Thank you kindly.

Well, that can't be good. You're so screwed.

You can't believe I'm going to die dressed as a nurse.

You're not going to die dressed as a nurse.

Oh, so I have time to change?

That's great, because I have this really cute little girl scout uniform. We're

going to plan B.

What's plan B? Run!

You guys are fast.

I'm scared.

Don't be scared, little lady.

What's that on my hip?

Oh, nothing but a little good bye, Jackie.

Stan, I hate to admit it, but I'm really scared, too.

Oh, I'm not scared.

I just don't know what to do.

Is this how it all ends?

No, it's not how it all ends.

We're going to settle this the way we settled everything around here ever

the fire destroyed our town.

Utilizing the ancient art of... Karaoke!

All right, freaks. Tonight you will be given a chance to beat these

monsters in an event that plays to your strength.

Singing, karaoke, dance. Now, in case you don't know it, here's what's at

If Stan and the gang wins, they get to go home alive. Then the monsters must

leave our town and never come back.

If the monsters win, they get to mutilate and kill Stan, Nadine, Teddy,

You said Stan? You said Stan?

Westup, the monsters.

Hey, Stan.

There's no need to feel down with that. Hey, Stan.

Pick yourself off the ground, we said, hey, Stan.

Cause we're in a new town, there's no need to be unhappy,

hey, Stan.

There's a thing you should know, we said, hey, Stan.

When we're done with this show, you can stay here.

And I'm sure you will find that we're here to wait and kill you.

We're here to kill and... S -T -A -M.

It's fun to kill. S -T -A -M.

Our intentions are real. And you can't make a deal.

But Kate will serve you your last meal.

H -M.

Are you listening to me? We said H -M.

Who did you think you'd be? We said H -M.

We can crush all your dreams. But don't think you can escape us.

I hate to say it, but great job, monsters.

Not bad for a bunch of murderous heathens.

But Stan and the gang are going to give it a shot.

I just wanna go home.

I'm in no hurry, baby, time can wait.

Cause I just wanna go home.

Listen to the man singing song.

I just wanna go home.

How do people say that I just want to go home?

In their minds, I know they've all been there.

I just wanna go home

They're admittedly a little biased, you understand.

Time to bring out the hardware.

Need a hug?

No, I got it.

I got it!

Well,

that was completely ineffective.

I feel like I should tell you. I forgot to mention that I got a little thirsty

earlier, so I refilled your weapon with the water hose from outside.

You drank the holy water?

It was delicious.

Could have used this information a minute ago.

The scroll!

Great. A joke.

I thought it'd be more of a clue.

I think you're both right.

It's a joke and a clue on how to deal with these monsters.

I don't get it. I don't get it either.

No, guys, I think I can read this.

Yeah, I think it says that the monsters have weaknesses.

Okay, okay, Stan Helsing.

You've had your fun.

Now get ready to taste your own blood.

I really

hurt.

You wanted me to get involved?

Well, I'm getting involved.

I don't see how this is going to help, but all right.

Oh, not me.

Okay.

The weakness is mortal.

We're not going to go that easy.

Oh, actually, you two have the same weakness.

Teddy! Condiments, please!

Come right up, family!

Sounds like Sammy Roy finally got his raw

meat.

Hello.

Hi. Looks like no one's getting blown tonight.

And what's my weakness?

Dude, you're a doll.

Your cab is waiting for you outside.

Here.

You've earned it.

Thanks for visiting Stormy Night Estate.

Westgate, an ice cream truck. That's a new one.

No, I can't say I've ever seen a rocket sucker with balls.

Aw, hey look, it's the mask that altar boy gave you.

Mask?

So does it alter how I look?

I think he meant it would alter how you look at things.

Yeah.

You know what I'm thinking?

Lap dance?

Well, I was going to say a kiss, but we can skip right to the lap dance if you

want to.

Oh, my.

Oh. I better make sure you're okay.

Oh, no.

You're so sick.

You're so sick.

Yeah, it's Lockbuster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got porn.

What do I recommend?

Well, there's, uh...

Saturday Night Beaver, Star Whores, and Spray It Forward.

Looks like that takeoff pay it forward.

No, no, Haley Jo Osmond is not in Spray It Forward.

All right, come on in.

You're welcome. Bye -bye.

Speaking of Haley Jo Osmond.

Funny and cute. That's good.

No more horror movies, huh?

No, no, I'm done with horror movies. The owner of the store would like to have a

word with you about the videos you never delivered.

Remember that?

You don't wanna see me?

Yeah.

Fine.

Go take care of it.

Good luck, Dan.

Buddy,

you all right? All right, then.

Take it easy.

Here we go again.

We're going to get on down now.

Take two.

One time.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh -huh.

Do we gotta say it again?

Ain't nothing gonna change.

All we got is lockdown.

We run the game and that's right.

People wanna get on down and get down. People wanna let loose and let loose.

Cause you know that the beat is thick. You know you wanna get down with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I eliminated the middle man. The child genius growing up

the fam. Like I'm in the middle man.

I gotta do this for my daughter and my little man.

Who's the bad boy? Who's the bad boy? Yeah!

Yeah, you're my bad boy!

You're my bad boy!

Hey, man.

That's right.

I'm in a stripper costume.

I'm giving a lap dance.

I've done dirty, dirty things in this movie.

You're gonna be so proud of me.

Are there any black people in this movie?

Do it again, do it again.

Do it again.

Here we go.

Shut up.

Shut up. Here we go.

Take this right, take this right.

Van Helsing?

I thought you said Van Helsing.

Next thing I know, you're going to tell me that's not Superman.

All we got is lockdown.

We run the game and that's right. People want to get on down and get down.

People want to land loose and let us do the long.

And the beat is thick. People want to get down the thick. That's right, we're

running the game.

Serve first, catch up first with the free flow. Hands up in the air, put them

on my people.

If y 'all still wondering about the numbers that we stole.

Just go to House of Moms, fuck his freehold. Not Lisa Lowe, but got the

one single.

Turn a long way from the radio jingles. Have to hustle and float.

Keep that on the D -low. Stay humble, showin' off, not a MC -low. We used to

in the gutter now, sit in the king song. Even got golden platinum packs in my

ring song. The queen said it can't be new, yeah, I'm bringin' my team home.

Peter Jackson and rap, my album is King Kong. Back and forth all day like

Sonny's playin' ping pong.

Laughin' at the competition, whack it and winning songs.

Get it poppin', I ain't stoppin', won't be long. Right back to the top like I

ain't even been gone.

Tick -tock, it don't stop.

Tick -tock, it don't stop.

Tick -tock, it don't stop.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Stay fun in the game. Stay fun in the game.

Yeah! How y 'all feelin' out there tonight?

Hey, pretty lady.

Let me touch your body. Let me touch your body. Rub it real good.

Let me use my hands. Do it like I should. I like it brain -hunted. Let's

great party. I know you like it naughty. I know you like it naughty. Let me

touch your body. Rub it real good. Let me use my hands.

Do it like I should. I like it frame -hotted. Let's have a freak party. I

you like it naughty. I know you like it naughty.

Look at that.

She's so fat.

The way she move and act. Make me want it black.

Ordinary girl. And it ain't an act. Watch her back it up. Like a Mack truck.

Here she act up. How you do, beauty?

Got me amped up. Mint cool booty. I want to touch your body. Do it real fresh.

Make it feel good.

Probably make it sweat. Let me touch your body. Rub it real good.

Let me use my hands. Do it like I should. I like it frame -hunted. Let's

freak party. I know you like it naughty. I know you like it naughty.

Let me touch your body. Rub it real good. Let me use my hands. Do it like I

should. I like it frame -hunted. Let's have a freak party. I know you like it

naughty. I know you like it naughty.

Ordinary girl. Yeah, you doing crazy.

Undercover bad.

Yeah, it's you, baby.

Eating Costa Rica. Ain't feeling dotty. Like a gin and tonic. Before you get

erotic. Yeah, I'm feeling buzz.

Do the booty shake.

Yeah, that's what it was. She don't never fake. She like a body touch.

It's a freak thing.

Big Cali butt. Time to de -sprain. Let me touch your body. Rub it real good.

me use my hand. Do it like I should. I like it frame -hearted. Let's have a

freak party. I know you like it naughty. I know you like it naughty. Let me

touch your body. Rub it real good. Let me use my hand. Do it like I should. I

like it frame -hearted. Let's have a freak party. I know you like it naughty.

know you like it naughty.