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Hi, this is Jim Mitchell.

I'm not home right now.

Please leave a message.

Oh, Mr. Perfect.

This is your little brother.

I just called to say, fuck you!

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You are a liar, and a fucking addict, and you always will be, motherfucker!

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Oh, James Mitchell!

Miss Evans, excuse me.

Sorry, I ran from the high school.

I tried to stop him.

I know that whatever Artie did was wrong.

And I know he's sorry for what he's done.

But before you hit him, you should know that my

father is strictly against violence of any kind.

And since he's out of town right now and my mother's

working, I took it upon myself to come over here and intervene.

And I give you my word, as his older

brother, that he will not run afoul of the law again.

I give you my word as his older brother

that he will not run afoul of the law again.

You're a geek.

Artie, next time you cheat on a test,

make sure to tell someone who's getting A's.

You're not gonna tell Dad, are you, Bob?

I won't have to.

-Dad! -Barney!

Artie, open this door.

Now, honey, he's just a boy.

You open this door right now.

Daddy, I can explain.

Please, J-Art.

♪

Jim, you go on now. Artie and I are going

to have a little talk while you suit yourself.

No hard feelings, son

Ah!

♪

Hi, this is Jim Mitchell.

I'm not home right now.

Please leave a message.

Where are you, motherfucker?

Pick up the fucking phone!

Pick up the fucking phone!

Fucking Bob, I called mom about you.

Liar.

Fucking liar!

I know you're smoking.

Those cigarettes aren't gonna kill you, brother.

I am.

♪

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You boys change into your clothes.

Meet me outside.

And, Artie, don't ever break up a pat nine against two-card draw.

Listen, boys.

There's only one thing you can count on in

this life, and that's your own flesh and blood.

Mitchell, stick together.

Everybody else, fuck them.

And when some son of a bitch crosses me, or

crosses any of us, we deal with it ourselves.

The guy that lives in that house right there, he owes us.

I've been carrying this bastard's I.O.U.

around for three months.

When you boys have to settle something,

you do it at night, like this, during a storm.

That way nobody can hear you.

-Hey, hey, hey! -It's not a toy!

You want us to shoot him for you, Pop?

No, you just let him see that you're packing.

He'll get reasonable real fast.

Jim, don't point that gun at the man unless you intend to shoot him.

You understand me?

Yes, sir.

All right.

What?

Look.

Let's go.

All right.

You boys givin' any thought to the future?

I'm gonna make a million bucks.

I'm gonna be famous.

I'm gonna make a million girls.

Well, you ain't gonna do that playin' lowball like your old man.

Do yourselves a favor.

Get an education.

Make me proud.

-One. Two. -Tree. -Four.

We don't want your muttering whore.

-One. -Two. Tree.

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whore.

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Why not what's happening?

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Genius, man.

It's fuckin' art.

-Thanks. -Mr. Mitchell.

Film is an art form.

It is not a medium for sophomoric hijinks.

Film is not about objective shock.

Nudity, for the sake of

nudity, creates neither

emotional understanding nor character revelation.

It is, simply put, a

cheap device to win

the minds of the lowest common denominator.

What you've made, Mr. Mitchell,

is pornography, not art.

That's not what you want to do now, is it?

I didn't think you'd get it, man.

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Put the editing bays right over there, put the

soundstage back in there, wardrobe, art department.

Huh?

We can make whatever kind of pictures we want, man, just like Cassavetes.

We can do political stuff or personal films.

We can say whatever we want, however we want to say it.

And we do not need a school for that, right?

We can do it ourselves.

That sounds great, Jim, but what are we going to do?

Rob a bank to pay for all this?

Oh!

-Don't miss it. -Come shot. -Oh!

Oh!

And cut.

Soft.

Did you get it?

I don't know, man.

The focus was questionable, man.

What do you mean, focus was questionable?

Guys, the whole thing is worthless unless we get the money shot.

I think there's something wrong with the camera.

I think it's broken or something.

John, it's a brand-new Airflex.

There's nothing wrong with the camera.

Come on, man.

We only saw it for the first time this morning.

Gentlemen, when all else fails, what do we do?

We follow the instructions.

Here you go, boys.

Thanks, sweetie.

What do you think?

You got another one in you?

Yeah.

Of course.

What about you?

Oh, I don't know, man.

It's not that easy for me.

She just gets to lie there and take it.

I ain't got to do all the work.

Are you a stud or what?

Yeah, yeah.

That's right.

You're the biggest goddamn stud I've ever seen.

Hell yeah!

Guys?

Roll film.

Fuck her like you mean it, man.

That's it.

Get into it.

Good, good, good.

Lick your lips.

That's it, that's it.

-Open your eyes. -Lick your lips.

Good, good.

Hi, Bob.

I see you've made some new friends.

Come here.

Hey, brother!

You guys, man.

I'm still turned on.

That's right.

Here, see if this fits.

Nice letter.

You misspelled filmmaker.

Yeah?

Well, it got you here, didn't it?

Not for long.

Heading to Vegas in a couple of days.

Got a job waiting for me.

Yeah?

-With who? -A pal from the army.

His dad runs a factory there.

Inhale.

-Good. -Now hold it in.

So I hear you're a pacifist.

I told them if I got to shoot people just because they're

commie pinkos or gooks, well, I'm liable to lose my mind.

They bought it?

Apparently.

Next thing I knew, I was on a plane to

Germany for two years of schnitzel und helga.

So, Bob, why is a clean-cut American boy like you making fuck films?

It means to an end, brother.

Making some money.

Doing all right.

Mom and dad know?

Yeah.

No.

There are 30 porn theaters showing nudies, man, 30.

And they are so desperate for product

that they pay $100 for 10 minutes of film.

What would you say if I told you that we could make

a fortune, I mean a fortune, working with naked women?

I'd say you wouldn't even have to pay me.

I think we should go into business together.

We?

Yeah, keep it in the family, like the Warner Brothers.

The Mitchell Brothers?

Exactly.

I don't know, man, I got this Vegas thing lined up and I'm...

Screw Vegas, man.

You see, Hollywood does it right.

You make the product, you own the product, show the product.

Make money on both ends and everywhere in between.

Hollywood doesn't make beaver films, Jim.

Yeah, well, maybe they should.

Look, I'm talking about doing something brand new.

Radical filmmaking where the subject just happens to be sex.

We're going to make our own films and

we're going to show them in our own theater.

Our own theater?

Yeah.

What do you think?

-It's a... -piece of shit, Bob.

Yeah, but it could be our piece of shit.

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All right, boys, turn around.

Ha,

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ha,

oh!

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Artie!

What the hell are you doing, man?

I was about to ask you the same thing.

Uh, we're making a film.

Yeah? What's it called? It happened in Muskogee.

It's an homage, man.

Well, my dick's not hard, and that's a problem.

Anyone here want to know what gives me a stiff dick?

Cheerleaders.

Young cheerleaders in short skirts, pom-poms, and bobby socks.

Put them on, ladies.

Put them on. Give Uncle Artie something to smile about.

Who's the idiot in the gorilla suit?

That's, uh, George.

Hey, Artie.

Here, help me with that.

I guess that'll work.

Carry on, brother.

♪

Yeah. I'm thinking the title in bold red, you know, right across.

Yeah, right across her ass.

-Okay. -Title, title.

The ape man cometh.

Better, better.

Ouch.

There's a gorilla in my ass.

Hey, how about this for an ad slogan?

She was no farmer's daughter, but she could make things grow.

That's good.

That's funny, Bob.

That, and in the ad, a little bubble up top that says, bring a date.

Chicks love it.

-Yeah. -Now you're talking.

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The most tenderloins in the tenderloin.

She do have a way with words, Artie.

Thanks, Pop.

I'm proud of you boys.

I don't know about this, uh, underwater business, but what's that?

It sends a message to the people, Pop.

And it sets us apart from the pack, Dad.

It makes it look like we've got our own thing going on here.

-Hmm. -You gotta see the inside.

Come on.

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Yeah!

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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

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Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

-Yeah! -Yeah! -Yeah! -You

So how many seats you got in here?

Five hundred.

What do you charge a head?

Five bucks.

Ooh.

You boys sure these are the kinds of movies you want to be making?

We're giving the people what they want, Mom.

If you say so.

Keeps them coming back for more.

Oh.

You don't look out, you'll have something else coming.

What is it, Pop?

Shakedowns.

See that undercover son of a bitch right there?

You keep an eye out for Johnny Law.

Okay, we open the film at a hippie lunge, maybe in a park.

There's drummers, sitars, belly dancers, and

a minotaur in the middle of this enormous orgy.

That sounds really stupid, Bob.

When was the last time you came up with any brilliant ideas?

I just did.

Let's make a flick about a jail that's just for girls.

The lady who runs the joint is nasty, a real maniac.

She doesn't let the girls wear any clothes.

We'll set it against the Roman Empire, and we'll call it Bend Her.

I love it.

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I'll be right back.

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Christ, party of twelve.

So where are you from, Meredith?

Cape Cod.

I love Cape Cod.

Kennedy's, fishing, chowder.

So you've been there?

No.

So, uh, you and Artie met in the park dancing or something?

Um, something like that.

Cool.

Do you know what Jim and Artie do for a living?

No.

Oh.

We're filmmakers.

Really?

Would I have seen something you've done?

Not unless you go to theaters in the Tenderloin.

You make foreign films?

We make important films.

Films with a social content that still leave people very satisfied.

What are they about?

Sex.

Mostly sex.

I see.

It's a family business.

The whole family.

Oh, yeah.

Good old mom, dad, granny, the whole gang.

I don't have a problem with that.

Really?

No, in fact, I'd like to see one.

I think that can be arranged.

Don't get me wrong, but you have got such a sweet voice.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Oh.

Harder.

Please.

Please.

Oh.

I'm gonna...

Oh.

I'm coming.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Is that okay?

Oh!

That was wonderful, brilliant, perfect.

Will you marry me?

I don't...

I'm not kidding.

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go I always wanted a sister.

Artie was close, but you are the real thing.

Screw you, Bob.

All right, who the hell is Bob?

It's our old man's middle name.

And?

And that's all you need to know.

Oh

You're a bad influence, brother.

Baby, I am going to give you the happiest life.

It's going to be fucking great.

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your tools, fellas.

You're all under

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Jesus, Solly, can't you give us a break?

-Not this time, kid. -Too much pressure.

-Pressure? -From where? -The city hall,

chamber of commerce, legion of fucking decency.

What do you think?

A town boiling over with hookers, faggots, panthers, porn.

Most of these people you arrest two, three, twenty-seven times.

-Think it's a picture. -Thirty-two.

It's thirty-two, boss.

Thirty-two.

So what's it gonna take, Mitchell? A bullet in the head?

It'll take a lot more than that, Wiener.

Outrageous.

So every time you show a new feature, they bust you.

That's right.

And you pay a fine, or...?

Yeah, we can afford it.

Hmm.

Thought about, um, Reno?

Vegas?

Be easier.

-Nah. -We like San Francisco.

Don't you?

Yeah.

Mike, the way I see it is they're messing with our right to free speech.

Your first amendment privilege.

Hmm?

What it comes down to for them is proving California Penal Code

311.2, the production, exhibition, or distribution of obscene matter.

That's their problem, Jim.

They can't prove exactly what is obscene.

Hmm?

Dig it.

You're Tim Leary's lawyer?

Dr. Leary, yes.

And Huey Newton?

Mm-hmm.

But now you're the Mitchell brothers.

Okay.

You got any pot?

It's my brother

I'll just have a cup of coffee, please.

What do you say, Pop?

Jim, where's Artie?

I don't know.

He said he'd be here.

The reason I called, there's this guy in Reno who owes me a favor.

He's got a real good lawyer.

Connected, if you know what I mean.

I got a lawyer, Pop.

I'm sure you can find one, but this guy is top notch.

And he won't cost you a cent.

It's all taken care of, Dad.

You want anything?

No, I'm fine, thanks. Thank you, honey.

You remember when you were just a little

buck and you kept coming home with black eyes?

Yeah, I was five.

What did I do?

Bought me a punching bag.

And a pair of gloves.

And I spent two hours every night for a

month straight teaching you how to fight.

And when I finally sent you back out there with those kids, what happened?

I beat the shit out of them.

You're goddamn right you did.

You remember that, Jimmy.

Somebody hits you, you hit back.

You hit back until they're flat on their ass, and then you hit them again.

If I make myself understood...

I read you loud and clear, Dad.

Well, uh, first, uh, a white American female.

orally copulates a white American male for two minutes

and then the white American female leaves

the room and a black American female enters and

She copulates with...

A bedpost.

Well, uh, thank you, Detective Wiener.

That-that was very helpful.

Wiener!

No further questions, Your Honor.

The witness is excused.

The prosecution would have you believe that the Mitchell

brothers are responsible for the moral decay of today's society.

And yet, it's curious, of the hundreds

of phone calls that the San

Francisco Police Department received monthly, their own witness,

Detective Weiner, could only recall two

that pertain to the showing of adult films.

Two.

The people of San Francisco, they want their tax

dollars spent on the corralling

of muggers, rapists, murderers.

I mean, real hardened criminals that pose a true

threat to society, not on two young, harmless filmmakers.

But yet, there's a bigger question.

Donati and Jim Mitchell, as Americans,

have the inalienable right of free speech.

Okay, so you may not like what they have to

say, or this matter what they have to show.

But we don't have a right to take away that

privilege, and neither does the state of California.

Okay, so you probably prefer old

yeller to rampaging nurses.

But as an American, hey, that's your right.

Hmm?

Dig it.

Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

No, Your Honor, we haven't.

We, um...

We can't seem to agree on anything.

And most reluctantly, I must excuse this

jury and declare the matter closed.

Case dismissed.

I told you.

Jimmy, I'm proud of you.

Great job.

Jim, Jim, the prosecutor says that he's gonna

keep busting you if you keep showing your movies.

What's your reaction?

Well, our films reflect our daily effort to stay out of jail, so...

Is it true you make movies of women having sex with animals?

Untrue.

There's no torture, bestiality, or violence of any kind.

We're clean-cut all-American boys, and we're gonna

stick to making clean-cut all-American fuck films.

How old did you say you were, Jim?

25.

Excuse me.

♪

All right, who else wants some more?

I am so full.

Come on, Adrian.

No, it was delicious, though.

Thanks, hon. I'll have some more coffee.

You enjoying those groovy articles, Bob?

Jim Mitchell, outlaw.

Jim Mitchell, throwback to the colorful

days of the Barbary Coast, whatever that means.

Jim Mitchell, the porn king of San Francisco.

I've mentioned you three times here.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Not in here once, not even once.

Every single story is Jim this, Jim fucking that.

Oh, I'm sure it was just an honest omission, Artie.

I don't recall asking your opinion.

Come on, buddy.

You know Jim, when we started all this, you talked

filmmaking and art, not getting your name in the newspapers.

The only art in my films is my brother.

My films.

My business.

My little fucking brother.

That's right.

I bring you into my business.

And I split everything with you.

What more do you want, Artie?

What else can I do for you?

I got this idea for a story.

A great idea.

I want to make it into a film.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

And I want to direct.

Put it in the car bag.

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Hi.

I'm here for the audition.

Try and sign in.

You want a bowling or a non-bowling role?

Are you making a bowling movie?

Ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Bowling.

Screwing.

Well, the ad said you were casting a major motion picture.

Baby doll, this is a major motion picture.

Now, do you want a balling role or do you want to audition to be scenery?

I'm sorry.

I've made a mistake.

So yourself.

-Wait! -Wait, wait, wait!

Stop!

-You're it! -You're fantastic!

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Nobody like you has been in a porno before.

You're just like Tuesday Will.

You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.

I need you in this film.

I'm gonna make you a star.

-Me? -Oh, yeah.

♪

It's called, Behind the Green Door.

And it's a story about this woman named Gloria.

That would be you.

Who gets kidnapped from her hotel and taken to a secret

sex club, where she's met by a group of women who strip her.

Now, I know that sounds like rape, but hold on.

No one gets raped, no one gets hurt.

One of the women tells her to loosen up.

This could be the best experience of her life.

So she starts to relax.

She realizes that she's always fantasized

about something like this happening to her.

Plus, she doesn't speak for the entire

film, so it's like a silent-picture throwback.

It's really a great acting role.

You see, Gloria is scared and fascinated concurrently, and

she has to convey that conflict with her face and her body.

And you're the director?

I am.

Look, this film is our shot at cutting through to the mainstream.

So it's not like we're asking you to star in any old fuck film.

This is a real movie about real sex.

Marilyn, you are exactly what we're looking for.

You know, the girl next door.

I think your idea is fantastic.

And I think I can act well enough to pull it off.

And despite the sex stuff, you know, I think it

could really be something that I could be proud of.

And I have done some topless dancing before, you know.

So you'll do it.

For $10,000 and 10% of the gross.

I'm sure you have plenty of other girls who

will do it for less, so don't let me stop you.

Deal.

But I want to do something about your name.

Okay.

Give you something flashier.

Something sexier.

Sexier.

Flashier. Definitely. So what happens next?

To Gloria.

Right.

Gloria meets a black guy.

Stunned.

How many white girls fantasize about screwing a black guy?

It's going to be done really nicely.

The guy we got is a real actor.

He's in a local production of Hair.

Anyways, he comes out from behind the green door.

-Huh? -Feel good? -All right, good.

Okay.

You're on the couch.

Everybody ready?

♪

Roll film.

Scene 15, take one.

Marker.

Action!

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Suck it harder, baby.

Suck it harder, baby.

Now.

Suck it harder, baby.

Sounds real good, George.

We'll get it on film after lunch.

Great.

♪

Daily's in five, boys.

♪

-Okay. -Everybody here?

Good.

Good.

Lights.

Roll it.

Cool, yeah.

Fix the projector.

The projector's fine, Artie.

No, it's not.

It's completely fucking black.

Lionel?

Artie, don't blame me.

I did exactly what you told me to do with those new lenses that you gave me.

Congratulations, brother.

It's the first porn film made for the blind.

Brother, there's something wrong.

Something wrong with the prince.

I think there's something wrong with you.

You can't direct, man.

Fuck you!

Jesus!

You couldn't have done any better.

I've been doing better for five years.

Well, you said you wanted moody.

Jackass.

Moody doesn't mean an hour of blackness!

It's all your fault!

You don't know what you're doing!

You set me up, man.

That's why you wanted me to direct.

You wanted me to fuck up.

I never wanted you to direct, Artie.

All right, people, on your marks.

-Where's Artie? -Artie's out.

I'm directing this thing now.

Marilyn.

-Marilyn. -Marilyn. -Hey.

OK.

You girls are going to bring Marilyn out the door.

You're going to lay her down on the couch.

You're going to suck on her tits and lick her pussy, OK?

All right?

Where the hell is Johnny?

Johnny?

Hey, man.

All right.

We need one of the gals to fluff him up, all right?

I do not want him coming out on stage unless he's hard.

Would you mind?

Lose that fucking tree.

Marilyn?

Yeah?

-How are you feeling? -You all right?

Yeah, I'm good.

Sure?

Smoke a little pot, loosen up a little bit.

-I did already. -I'm cool. -All right.

You look beautiful.

Yeah?

All right, let's do this.

All right.

Guys, I'm not saying you're responsible, OK?

Do not fuck this one up.

We got it together, Jim.

Cool?

-Rolling. -Ready.

Rolling.

Speed.

R15. Take one.

Marker.

and action

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We're headed for Folsom this time, Bob.

You see any cops here?

I don't see any cops here.

Relax.

It's a madhouse down there.

Film hasn't even gotten here.

Worry not, brother.

-Pop! -Hey, Pop.

Just wanted to wish you good luck.

Thanks, Pop. Thanks. Did your mom find your seats all right?

Front and center.

What's the problem?

It's going to be a disaster, Dad.

Phil hasn't even gotten here yet.

Dad, will you tell him to relax?

Jim, your brother's right.

I think he's going to be fine.

I got a good feeling about all this.

Jim, listen.

Life's a crapshoot.

You made your bet.

Now you see if it pays off, hm?

Yeah.

Mark, you got a little sugar on your lip there.

You might want to clean yourself up.

Oh, shit.

You guys want to watch a movie?

Yeah!

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June, what the fuck's going on?

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It's the wrong reel.

You're showing reel three.

What?

You're showing the wrong goddamn reel.

Nobody cares, Bob.

They've never seen anything like this before.

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I can't believe it!

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So why didn't you tell us?

Is this gonna hurt you?

Marilyn, you are beautiful.

99% pure and beautiful.

Yeah, give me the number for the New York

Times, the Daily News, Newsweek, and Playboy Magazine.

You wanted publicity, Bob?

Welcome to the fucking big leagues.

You are a very bad girl, Marilyn.

Get us a couple bottles of champagne, would you please?

Yeah.

Yeah, go ahead.

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I don't know, man.

What the hell am I supposed to do, man?

I'm in fucking San Francisco, for Christ's sake.

I gotta tell the guys, man.

Well, looks like behind the green door can take you

anywhere between 30 and 40 million dollars this year, guys.

What?

Forty million dollars!

Forty million dollars!

What?

-What? -What? -What's wrong with you?

What he's talking about is he's gonna take in that

money, but we're lucky if we're gonna see any of it.

Boston, New York, Chicago,

Detroit, Miami.

We didn't send prints to any of these cities.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

They pirated the fucking film.

They're showing it without our permission.

Who is?

You're a fuckin' mob.

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Hey, Joey, look at this little tootsie.

Get her number.

Hey, you want something to eat?

No.

Drink?

No, thanks.

Just business.

If you don't mind.

Here's the deal.

We show the film, we take half the profit.

Half.

I don't understand.

Come on, kiddo.

You come to my turf with a dirty little movie,

but you can't copyright your dirty little movie.

How do I know that Joey over there didn't make it?

Why don't I just give Joey half the profit?

Because we did make it.

You want to show a movie in my house, you pay my rent.

Fine.

We won't show our movie in your house.

If you won't, I will.

Mr. DeSalvo, we're talking about copyrights here.

Our copyrights.

You expect us to just sit back and let

some New York distributor dick us around?

Listen, shithead, I don't have to give

you a goddamn thing, but I'm being nice here.

You want to argue?

Fine.

You get nothing.

Get the hell out of here Fuck you Robert

take your turf shove it up your guinea ass.

I'll see you in court

Fucking degenerate!

♪

Who is it?

Hi, uh, Jim?

Artie, the FBI is here.

Send them in.

Relax, man. Today, we're the good guys.

We're the good guys?

We're never the good guys.

When did that happen?

Mr. Mitchell, FBI, Special Agents Brown and Hayes.

Our friends here are very interested in Mr. DiSalvo.

They're gonna help us out with our copyright deal on Green Door.

I asked him to pay us a visit.

Oh.

I see you're knocking on our door and not kicking it in.

Anybody want a beer?

Yeah?

Why don't you guys have a seat over here?

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I heard.

Miss Liberty's open house at school today.

Oh, shit.

It was today?

Yeah.

-Meredith. -Meredith, come on.

I've had enough, Artie.

-I'll change. -I'll change. I'll change.

I'll change. I'll change. Do you think I'm stupid?

I don't want to raise my daughter around this.

What's wrong with this?

I don't come from this, Artie.

I don't want to live with it anymore.

Get your own life, Jim.

Stay out of ours.

Oh, come on, Meredith.

-What? -Are you his keeper?

You're as bad as he is.

I won't compete with you.

I'm sure you're leaving me.

I'm tired, babe.

I'm tired of being a second.

I'm getting off the Mitchell Brothers train.

She's leaving me.

Come on, get in. Where are you going to go, Merida?

Where are you going to go, Merida?

Where are you going to go?

Where are you going to go?

Where are you going to go?

Where are you going to go?

♪

♪

♪

Hey Jim, it's cold.

Is there any way to turn the heat on?

Yep.

Morning, Bob.

Morning, Bob.

Breakfast for champions.

Just doing a little bit of celebrating.

That's all you guys seem to be doing these days.

Well, Adrian, we have a lot to be thankful for.

-Hey. -We're in the newspaper again.

-Oh, yeah? -Congratulations.

Oh, my god.

Listen to this.

The New York Supreme Court has ruled that behind the green door

contains so many acts of sexual perversion it would have been

considered obscene, even by the community standards of Sodom and Gomorrah.

That's it.

What?

Our next film, a Bible epic, Sodom and Gomorrah.

You know, sodomy.

Lots of girls taking it in the ass.

We can shoot it out in the desert on 35 millimeter.

You hate the desert.

We can have Lot and his wife and daughters come to

Sodom and find the wicked people worshiping idols.

No children.

And a spaceship comes down with a monkey

playing God and talking like John Wayne.

We can dub John Wayne's voice the monkey, and we can

have George play a space dud that screws all the women.

Sounds cool.

You see, the monkey represents the Supreme Court, the mob, and that asshole DA.

It's symbolism, you know?

What do you think?

When do we shoot?

Exalted is He, with the strength of ten lions.

He fights without weakness, but He is compassionate.

He is your God, and He shows mercy to those who love Bera.

You love Him, He loves you.

All hail Bera!

All hail Bera!

Hail Bera!

Hail Bera!

Hail Bera!

Hail Bera!

Well, I can dig it, man. I'm just trying to find a way to motivate it in.

It's not about motivation, Lionel.

We're spending $500 a day on this thing.

We should use it.

You're in a good scene, Jordan.

Thanks, Hardy.

♪

Can I have some more, please?

Oh, sure.

Just say when.

More.

more

♪

You're spilling there.

Oh.

Am I?

Perfect.

Is that Guy Stone?

Who is he?

That's Artie Mitchell.

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♪

Barney Mitchell!

Where are you, you bastard?

You stood me up, you asshole!

I am so sorry.

Sorry is not good enough.

I was waiting for you for three hours.

I got so busy, I forgot.

You forgot?

Who the hell do you think you are?

We're making a movie here.

Forget it.

Wait a minute, Karen.

You know, I'm not one of your little actresses who just

wants to suck your cock so you'll put them in your movie.

Ooh, Artie, I'll do anything if you let me take it in the ass in the next film.

You know, you're not that great looking.

Believe me, I've had better.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

-Oh. -Oh.

Oh, dear God, please accept

my dying offer.

-Cut. -Good, Artie.

-Good. -Now once more with feeling.

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Sorry to hear about Adrian.

Yeah, well, you know what it's like to be married to one of the Mitchell boys.

Oh, my God.

You okay?

I used to get these things all the time when I was a kid.

Uh-huh.

Pressure's not gonna help you.

I'm okay.

I'm all right.

Look, Jim, I know how hard you work, how much you worry

about the theater and Artie, but you gotta take care of yourself.

If you ever need anything, you can call me.

I'm gonna go back to the cake.

Samara, come dance with me in liberty.

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Yeah!

Still working on this piece of shit.

Brought you some takeout.

Whose ridiculous idea was this in the first place?

That camel was a shitty actor.

Hey, maybe he should have kept our scene.

I think the anthill scene may have been going a bit too far.

The zucchini scene was a little tasteful, but the anthill, no.

Fuck you, Bob.

I don't know what the hell you're doing.

Neither do you.

Maybe you should have just filmed Adrian fucking that costume designer.

That was the hottest sex in the whole shoot.

Fucking asshole.

Tim!

Guys!

Guys, stop it!

Yeah.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Mom.

You stay there, and we'll be there as soon as we can.

-What? -What's happening?

Dad died.

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I keep this.

What about these?

Sure.

You want any of his clothes?

Just a hat.

Boys, there's only one thing in life you can count on.

Your own flesh and blood.

♪

Mind if I keep the rifle?

That was stupid.

♪

Where's your name again?

Jamie.

Jamie, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Get out of here.

I'm serious.

You're the most beautiful woman in this hot tub.

So, where's your wife?

She's right here.

-Hey, Paul. -Hi, May.

Have you seen Jim?

♪

Lionel, where's Jim?

Not in here.

-John? -John.

Where's Jim?

-I don't know. -Inside?

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Maybe you want to come out and say hello to everyone?

Yeah, sure.

I'll be there in a minute.

♪

Come on.

Let's hear your opinion, Bob.

On what subject, my man?

On the subject of our last three pictures losing over $600,000.

Fuck making movies.

Video cassettes, Bob.

That's where it's headed.

Why is some wanker gonna jerk off publicly when he can do it at home alone?

What about the theater?

Screw the theater.

Do something different with it.

Like what?

Live sex.

Get real, Artie.

I am, man.

Live sex.

Girls doing weird things.

Kinky stuff, you know?

Different rooms.

Girl on girl.

Strippers.

Sexual theme park.

How about a nude car wash while we're at it?

Get your finger out of your ass, Bob.

life sacks

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It's beautiful,

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porn!

No more porn!

It's a bummer about Moscone and milk.

Yeah, hell of a way to go.

You know, and those picketers aren't gonna help.

I mean, you know, Feinstein's not exactly sympathetic to the cause yet.

Jim Mitchell?

That'd be me.

You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

Don't worry, Jim.

I'll come down with the money.

No, find Artie. I want him to do it.

All right?

Find Artie!

Here's Artie!

Ha ha!

♪

You are beautiful.

Mwah!

Beautiful.

And you. You!

Beautiful.

Mwah!

Beautiful.

-You are. -You! -You are beautiful.

Mwah!

There is beauty.

There is beauty.

Mwah!

You.

-You! -Definitely. -Beautiful.

-Beautiful. -You! -Mwah!

And that is beautiful.

Mwah!

You're fucking beautiful!

19!

it's love, it's love.

It's good, Artie.

Ah, you are beautiful.

I gotta get with you.

-What you got? -What you got?

All right, beautiful, as you are.

Mwah!

Cynthia!

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Where were you, Artie?

Huh?

I'm sorry.

You got one thing to do last night one

thing one thing you know what that was

You were supposed to show up with the bail money.

I sit in that dump all fucking night wondering where you are.

It gives me a lot of time to think, you know?

I start thinking I can't trust my own brother.

I start asking myself, how many times can one guy fuck up?

I said I was sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you.

I've spent my whole life saying I'm sorry, why not say it again?

I'm

-r-r

I'm not a loser Not some freak you hired off

the street I'm the guy that thought up green door.

Don't fucking forget that You won't let me brother You won't let me

-See you, baby. -Come on, baby. -Come on.

All

right.

Let's go. Come on.

We're all in.

-Let's go. -Be seated.

Let's go.

It's time to go. Let's go.

This is a continuation of case number 4119,

State of California versus the Mitchell Brothers.

Violation of California Penal Code 311.2.

Mr. Kennedy, will you call your first witness?

Yes, Your Honor, if I could have a minute.

♪

♪

You know, most people don't go to court and waste it on mushrooms.

Most people don't want to push their luck.

Well, Nancy, I'm not most people.

Art, what the hell are you looking for?

The blow.

♪

It's in the filing cabinet under S, for stash.

That's right.

That was your bright idea, man.

Brother, you are flying, man.

You don't need any more.

Just say yes.

Love.

Where'd I put my gun?

Anybody see my gun?

Don't ask me, Jesse James.

Why don't you look under G?

Hey, take a hit, man.

Relax. You're too uptight. Why am I so fucking uptight?

Because I got to run this whole show by myself.

Because my partner's too busy frying his

brain to do any goddamn work around here.

You...

do more of this shit than anybody I know.

So do not point your finger at me.

Yes.

Oh, Jesus, Jim, that was a good blow, man.

That's it.

Lionel, I am out of here, man.

All right, Jim.

See you tomorrow.

No, you won't.

What are you talking about?

Tell Artie I'll be in Cape Cod.

Wait a minute, Jim.

Who's gonna run this place?

Jim, who's gonna run this place?

♪

♪

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You gonna check on Uncle Jeff?

Oh

I can't.

Jim, maybe we should take you to a hospital.

No, I gotta kick this on my own.

Jim.

I can assure you, it can be done.

I don't know why you do so much for him.

Because he's my brother.

Because I love them.

SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR!

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Welcome home, everybody.

Welcome home, kiddo.

What do you think?

It's ours.

Really?

We're gonna have a nice, quiet, normal life.

Let's go look.

♪

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♪

Blech.

Blech.

All right, don't do that at the table, it's disgusting.

I'm not going to eat this fucking rabbit food.

I grew that rabbit food in our garden.

Who wants to go down to the mall and get some burger shakes and fries?

We do!

Nope, you're gonna sit there and eat your lunch.

I need another beer.

Thanks, babe.

So, tell me, how are those tennis lessons going?

Good.

They're fun.

Oh, yeah.

Lots of fun.

Private lessons with some faggot named Josh, who's

got one hand on the racket, the other on your ass.

Are you gonna eat or not?

Feed the shit to the tennis pro.

You know, whenever you're feeling guilty about screwing

someone down at the club, you start accusing me of having an affair.

Have you ever noticed that?

Where do you meet him, Karen?

What?

Where do you meet him?

I don't meet him anywhere.

I spend all my time cleaning this house and looking after your kids.

I don't have time for an affair.

God, Art, can't you think of anything other than sex?

Where the fuck do you meet him?

You don't know where I meet him?

I meet him in the ladies' locker room.

I meet him in the bushes, on the baseline.

Anywhere I can, any way I can.

I fuck his brains out.

Is that what you want to hear?

Bitch!

Oh, fuck you!

Fuck you!

Oh, fuck you!

I'll fucking kill you!

I'll fucking kill you!

Come here!

Come here.

Did you fuck him?

Tell me the truth!

Baby, please listen.

Don't you ever come near me again, Artie Mitchell!

Ken!

Ken!

God damn it!

FUCK!

♪

Thank you.

So I'm thinking that I should just move in here with you guys.

No.

You did good, Jim.

You're very strong.

I couldn't have done it without you and Liberty.

Yeah, you could have.

You know, Meredith,

you're one of the few people that I can count on.

I mean that.

I am so glad you came.

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How you doing?

Welcome back, man.

Where's Artie?

Artie.

-Marty. -Hey, man.

Hey.

Amen.

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Hey!

What do you think?

Gotta be good this weekend.

Karen doesn't want me with the kids.

Maybe you should take some time off and clean up.

Maybe you should quit smoking.

It's hardly the same, Bob.

Yeah, the hell it isn't.

If I can do it, you can.

Six months is nothing in the scheme of things.

For a lifetime, Bob.

Boys!

Hold up!

All right, kid.

Ha!

-Hi, Dad. -Hi, Dad.

-How we doing? -Whoa!

Ha, ha, ha.

Dad, don't do that.

Having fun?

-Yeah. -Oh, you having fun?

Yeah.

Let's go a little deeper.

No, it's OK.

Come on, you pansies.

We're going deeper.

No, we're not.

Come on! You sound like your mom.

I don't know how to do this!

-Hey! -Dad! -Make room for Daddy!

Go, Daddy!

-Make room! -I'm scared!

Make room!

♪

My brother's drowning

Arnie!

Take the kids in!

Oh

Bye.

Yeah.

I don't feel so good, man.

I gotta stop.

♪

My body feels different.

I feel slobbery.

♪

We're gonna get it together.

♪

♪

I'm gonna quit.

You're my what?

♪

I'm cleaning up.

♪

Okay, brother

Okay.

What do you want?

I want to see my kids.

Well, you can't.

Why not?

What is this it's a restraining order you can't see the kids

without a court-appointed supervisor Please it's your own fault art.

You do drugs around them.

You have sex around totally irresponsible.

They're not safe with you

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am I gonna do, man?

You gotta ban him from the club, Jim.

♪

Artie!

Hey, brother.

Pow-pow!

Think the neighbors might be a little worried?

Not too fucking afraid to be worried.

Want a beer?

I'm fine.

Come on, have a beer with your bro.

Hey, Julie, get Jim a beer, will ya?

I'm fine, man.

Come on, you lightweight.

Have a beer.

I'll get you a fucking beer.

♪

You can't come in here.

Sorry, man.

That's your brother's orders.

Come on, man.

I'm just doing my job.

Out of my way, Earl.

Line up!

Holy shit.

Fuck you! All right, now, hold on, Artie.

Calm down.

Get up behind my back to my brother.

Oh, God, Artie, I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry, man. You're gonna kick me out of my own place?

No, Artie, I'm not gonna kick you out of your place, man.

-Huh? -Don't fucking kill me, man.

Don't fucking kill me, Artie, please.

Don't fucking kill me, man.

Hey, little brother.

You gonna shoot one of the guys that helped make you a millionaire?

Huh?

Huh?

-Whoa. -Come on. -Hey.

Come on.

-Come on. Come on. -Come on. -Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

The other night, a stripper up at my place,

18, perfect tits, laying in my bed.

She wants it, you know?

She wants me.

I try.

I try.

I couldn't do it.

It doesn't work anymore.

N-nothing.

Works at four.

Marty?

You have got to clean yourself up, man.

I'll quit drinking when you quit smoking.

I'll get you committed if I have to.

I'm serious, brother.

The only way I go to the tank is in a hail of bullets.

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How bad is he?

♪

♪

What do you want me to do, Jim?

♪

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I want to split the business.

♪

You want to split the business?

Sure we can split the fucking business.

No man, go ahead and do it.

Tell Jim he can take my boot up his ass and I'll take the O'Farrell.

♪

Mom, you got to do something about Jim.

I want you to call him and tell him he's killing himself with those cigarettes.

He's smoking three packs a day, Mom!

I can go out and drink one beer, and everybody's

on my case, but Jim, fucking Jim, smokes three

packs a day, and nobody says anything to him, anything!

How come everybody thinks he's so fucking perfect, Mom?

He isn't perfect, he's a fucking liar!

You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to take my gun, shove it

between his eyes, and pull the fucking trigger!

That's what I'd like to do!

Bye, Ma.

♪

You bitch don't hang up listen to me.

I want to see my kids fuck you fuck you I want to see my kid don't hang up

-God! -Listen to me, I will kill you!

I swear to fucking Christ, you piece of shit, fucking $2 whore!

I will fucking kill you!

Hi, this is Jim Mitchell.

I'm not home right now.

Please leave a message here.

Pick up the fucking phone!

Pick up the fucking phone!

Pick up the fucking phone!

Pick up the fucking phone!

You pick up the fucking phone!

You are a liar and a fucking addict and you always will be, motherfucker!

Those cigarettes aren't gonna kill you, brother.

I am.

Hi, this is Jim Mitchell.

I'm not home right now.

Please leave a message.

Jimmy, it's Mom.

Barney is ranting and raving.

He's out of control.

Mom.

No, it's alright.

Everything's gonna be fine.

I'm here if you need anything, okay?

I know.

I love you, too.

He called and said he was going to kill me.

Jim, I'm scared.

Artie keeps leaving me horrible messages on the machine.

I don't know what to do.

You know, I'm out there in the middle of nowhere with the kids.

Do you know how many guns he has?

He is totally paranoid.

Somebody is going to end up hurt, and I don't want it to be me or my kids.

I know.

Jim, you have to do something.

I'll take care of it.

♪

-Yeah, I'm Lionel. -It's Jim.

Can you meet me over at ours about 10.30?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Yeah.

You think you're so perfect.

You're not.

You're a fucking addict, and you always will be, motherfucker.

Mr. Perfect motherfucking Bob, I called mother about you.

-Liar. -Fucking liar.

Those cigarettes aren't gonna kill you, brother.

I am.

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Honey?

Honey, get your ass down here!

-What's that? -Arnie!

Where the fuck is my gun?

Come on out, motherfucker!

I wanna talk to you!

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU, ARTY!

ARTY! ARTY!

Where are you going?

Arty!

Don't go in there!

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BOMB!

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