Original subtitles

Previously on L .A. Law.

Stuart and I want to announce that we have finally set a date.

January 10th at Stuart's house.

She's not sophisticated in a lot of ways, Stuart.

I'm just afraid you're not going to like her.

And she's your mom. I'm going to love her.

You know, your father used to say if only he had had a Jewish bookkeeper,

all be millionaires.

Abby, who am I kidding? I never had it in me to be a lawyer.

Mr. Markowitz carried me the whole time I was here. What are you going to do?

The flying Giannellis?

That's my Uncle Baldo. He set the world's distance record being shot from

cannon in the 1936 World's Fair.

Five generations of flying G &L. Now it's gonna be six.

A cannon? They want to shoot you out of a cannon?

I'm the only one left who's not in a wheelchair.

What are you doing in my bed with my wife?

Quid pro quo.

You play, you pay.

And if you don't like it, I will divorce you and take half of everything you

hold dear.

I never had a job before. I used to worry that maybe I never could because

nobody would want to work with me. I just want to tell you that I'm really

to be working here.

Yeah, we read him, but I don't know if he got a take or not. I think he's a D

-M -M -Y.

Hey, just keep moving. You understand you don't have to talk to us if you

want to. You can call a lawyer if you want, right?

The detective's talking to you.

His name is Benny Stolwitz.

Matches the victim's general description.

He took off running when we tried to question him.

Okay, Benny.

I'm going to ask you a few questions.

What's happened is very bad. I don't want you to make it worse by lying.

You know why you were arrested, Benny?

Sex.

Well, rape is just a little more serious than just sex.

Don't lie to us, Benny. Easy, Walt.

Everything will be much better if we talk about it, Benny.

You hurt a woman tonight, didn't you?

Why don't we start from the beginning?

I want Arnie.

Can I talk to Arnie? Who's Arnie?

He's my friend.

He's a lawyer.

Why don't you just tell us what happened?

He asked for his attorney. We're done.

You better make the call and lock him up.

Tough anymore, are you, big guy?

Tough man with the women, but not so tough here, huh?

Morning, Rox.

Mrs. Tarker canceled her 2 o 'clock.

And there's a message that Benny called.

What about?

I wouldn't know. He called the service before I got in.

Still mad, Rox?

Why shouldn't I be mad?

I go all the way to Palm Springs at your invitation to be marooned with your

family while you skirt off with a waitress.

I was helping a distraught woman get over the trauma of being separated from

family. Look, I'm late. She left her family in Sweden when she came over here

be an actress, you pig! Sometimes your lack of compassion really astounds me,

lady. You ditched your family on Christmas?

You ditched me?

You know, you are so damn selfish. You don't care about anybody but... I have

got a staff meeting.

I'm very disappointed.

People, please, if we could get started.

First, on a personal note, and to assuage any lingering anxieties, my

assure me that I'm totally out of the woods.

There was, however, an interesting aftermath to this frightening

which I would like to share with you.

You see, it forced me to acknowledge Jeff...

What a slender thread binds us to this life.

And to realize that in the end, it isn't the acquisition of material goods and

prestige that counts for anything.

Rather, it's our friends and our family, those that we love and those who love

us.

Stuart, Anne, my dear friends, be happy together.

Excuse me.

It's just looking at you two.

I feel so very privileged to be asked to share your special day of love.

Thank you, Douglas.

Me too.

I love weddings.

Other people's.

Saturday, 2 .30, right?

Saturday, 2 .30, and I have maps printed up in case anybody needs directions.

Now, how come it's always so impossible for me to find a date to these events?

Who are you going with, Victor?

My sister.

She's staying with me over semester break.

Doug, I have to be in federal court. Of course. Forgive my digression. Miss

Perkins, how are the muffin kings?

We'll be taking Rograd Inc.

public by the end of next month.

Here, here. Once again, I want to compliment you on the superb job that

done. And what is this, Gianelli versus Hartvick?

This is Gianelli as in Tony Gianelli? He called me yesterday. He said he had

some kind of accident.

He doesn't harbor any ill feelings about leaving the firm?

He did ask me to meet him in a restaurant instead of here.

Arnie, that message from Benny?

He's in jail.

What? What for?

I don't know. He must have been there all night. Come on, you've got to get

out. I don't even know what to do.

Run a writ?

Go. How can he be in jail?

Where was he last night?

I don't know. That goes a million.

You want to fill me in? Not too long of a story. The woman leaves the theater

about 11 o 'clock. Your guy grabs her in the parking lot off of Western Avenue

and forces her to early copulate. No way.

We've got a confession of the victim ID to his picture. Detective, Denny Tholen.

From the neck up, maybe. This guy doesn't even know what sex is.

I've been doing this job for 17 years, Counselor, trust me.

Over the age of 12, they know what it is.

Denny?

Benny, it's me, Arnie.

What happened?

Look at me.

Benny, we're going to get you out of here.

But you have to help us out a little bit.

Tell us what happened.

Benny, I know you're afraid, but you've got to be strong.

Benny, it's us.

Your friends.

We can't help you unless you tell us what happened.

Now, come on.

I did something bad.

I have to go to jail.

You look great.

Thanks. You know, when you told me on the phone you were suing over a cannon

accident, I was pretty worried.

You look okay.

Are you? No, it's not me that's doing the suing.

It's this guy in the audience that got hurt.

I don't get it. Uncle Baldo must have used too much explosive, and I overshot

the net.

You're kidding.

Don't you? That's terrible.

Yeah, well, lucky for me, I landed on top of this 300 -pound guy. He broke my

fall. Only now, he's suing us for $5 million, and we don't have enough

insurance.

Anyway, I answered the complaint myself, and I tried to settle it out for $25

,000, but the guy said no.

Tony, I'm in the middle of this big public offering.

You've got depositions that day after tomorrow.

I don't know if I can just drop everything.

Look, Abby, this might seem like small potatoes to you, but to me and my

this is no laugher.

We lose, we lose everything.

Every penny, the compound and Agora.

I mean, they'll probably repossess the wheelchairs.

Tell you what.

Let me ask Jonathan Rollins to take it on.

He's very bright, and he's very aggressive.

You sure?

Mm -hmm. And if you won't do it, I will.

Okay?

Okay.

I really appreciate this. I get it.

Look, Abby, can I say something?

Mm -hmm.

This is from the heart.

I love you.

Thank you.

I mean it. I really love you.

As in man, woman?

I want to marry you.

Don't you think this is kind of sudden?

Yeah, well, getting shot out of a cannon is kind of sudden, too.

It changes the way you look at things.

Tony, look.

I am a 26 -year -old divorced mother.

And even if I did love you, I don't think that marriage to a human

in my future.

How about a date, then?

Come on, give me a chance to change your mind.

I don't know.

Will you think about it?

Sure.

And in the meantime, I'll have Jonathan call you about this.

I really appreciate this.

Hey, it's the least I can do for a guy who's just proposed marriage.

The way I see it, we've got two choices. We go to court and plead insanity, or

we avoid trial altogether by having Benny declared incompetent. You can do

Well, he's done communicative, can't contribute to his defense.

He's done fit for trial.

In which case, they throw him in a mental bin.

You have any better ideas? I'm all ears.

Look, get him declared incompetent for now.

Three or four months down the road, he's judged competent again.

By that time, the victim's memories fade a little. You have a better chance of

shaking her up at trial.

Yeah, but in the meantime, Benny rots in the rubber room. Beach doing 15 at

Vacaville. Hey, look, we are talking about Benny, okay?

He could not have done this. I know this man. He does not have an aggressive

bone in his body.

Judging from the evidence, I'd say at least one of his bones was a little

contentious. Douglas!

Look, Arnie's right about one thing. If Benny gets locked up anywhere, he's not

going to recover.

He's already deteriorated after one night. The main thing is to get him out

back here before he goes further into the dumper. Hold on.

I don't think you should bring him back here.

Where else is he going to go?

I don't know, but if we turn him loose in our employ and he attacks anybody in

the building, we could be sued right out of business.

Leland, he didn't do this. He is a good person.

I'm not disputing his goodness, but let's face it. None of us really knows

Benny knows when it comes to sex.

Maybe he didn't think what he did was bad.

So we're just going to abandon him? No, but neither are we going to expose this

firm to a lawsuit.

Put up the bail, Michael.

But unless he is completely cleared, Benny doesn't work here anymore.

I'm sorry.

Hi.

Hey. How's it going with the flying G &L? It's actually kind of an interesting

case. Do you want to hear some thoughts I have on strategy?

Do you have any idea how long you can leave these things in? Frozen burrito,

about two minutes.

Anyway, how about a cross claim against the circus?

It could be that they were negligent in providing the dimensions of the tent or

where the seats were positioned.

That's interesting, but I've come up with something along a slightly

tack. Really? What?

Tell you what. The plaintiff's deficit is tomorrow.

Come on by.

I'll try and find the time.

Great. It should be a hell of a show.

Right through here.

This session's in order.

People versus John Simpson.

Not at all. I'm sorry.

You want to go bring confidence?

Get him stuck now.

Laugh at the Academy? I won't fight it. No, I've got to get him out of here. I

don't like it. Come on. You think he could end up a stand trial?

Well, I will make that decision later. And meanwhile, you want him on the

street.

Ralph, I know this guy. If I don't get him out of lockup, the damage to his

psyche will be irreversible. Just give me bail, I can make it.

Come on, I know you.

You're going to get him outside today, but you've got all his marbles are okay.

As trial day comes, you'll be back cleaning insanity, huh? People versus

Stolwitz?

Let's let him decide.

Counsel here.

Michael Cusack for the defendant, Your Honor.

Wave reading.

Plead not guilty.

Question of bail, Judge. We've got violence, sexual deviance, threat to

safety. My client has no record, Your Honor. No history of sexual violence.

Strong roots in the community. Lives alone.

No family.

No money. He's an employee of my law firm, Your Honor, and I can attest to

reliability. This is an isolated incident of alleged violence. Serious

Judge. This man is dangerous.

He's not dangerous.

I know him. This is the first defense, Your Honor. There's no threat to the

public safety. No chance that my client will miss the trial.

And O .R. is... Certainly in order. It's not in my order, Mr. Cusack.

There's some indication of mental incompetence here, and I'm not inclined

the defendant back on the street without supervision.

Well, I would agree to exercise such supervision, Your Honor. And so far as

client is already emotionally debilitated from this ordeal, I think

lockup could cause irreparable harm.

I respectfully urge personal recognizance or, in the alternative, a

bail.

$15 ,000, with the condition of supervision.

The clerk will draw up the order. Next case.

Hang in there, Benny. We're going to get you out.

I don't know.

Stuart likes it a lot, but I'm not sure if it's really me.

Come on. Let me see it already.

You look gorgeous.

And notice the detailing.

Victorian lace.

Seed pearls at the neckline.

Don't you think I could get away with my beige silk suit?

Oh, Anne, come on. You're only going to do this thing once.

Okay, twice. The last time was so long ago, it's probably been expunged from

your record.

Think of the romance of the gown.

The other happy brides have worn it through time.

Right, and where are they now? Either divorced or dead.

I don't know.

Let me think about it for a few minutes, okay? Fine.

It's so bridey.

And the whole point of this thing was to keep it simple.

Just a few friends.

I know, but it means a lot to Stuart. And I'm sure it does to your mom also.

She's not coming.

I haven't spoken to her at all since she was here last.

The truth is, I don't want her here.

Feeling the way she does about Stuart, I don't think she'd come even if I did.

Of course, you would answer your mother.

Please, no lectures about the sacredness of motherhood right now, okay?

So, who did you decide to bring to the wedding?

Well, I guess I could bring Tony Gianelli.

Don't sound so enthusiastic.

Maybe I'm a circus bigot or something.

I just can't see myself going out with someone who gets shot out of a cannon on

a regular basis. Come on, nobody's perfect.

You like this one?

Um, I like this one better.

Hmm.

Can I see that bracelet?

It would look lovely with the dress. Thank God, it's gorgeous.

Never mind.

So you really like it, huh?

I love it.

Okay.

Let me get our dressmaker. I'm sure we can have all the alterations done by

Friday.

And if you do decide to marry Gianelli, maybe I can loan it to you.

I don't think it would be right for me. You're the one who likes it so much. I

do. I just have a feeling that the groom would be more into spangles and capes.

Arnie?

Did you get him out?

Yeah.

He's in the stairwell. He doesn't want anyone to see him. I can't get anything

out of him. He just won't talk about it.

Maybe you could get him to open up a little.

No, let me have a try.

Condition of bail. We've got to supervise him. Could you take him home

tonight? No.

I can't. I sort of have this... It's a date that I... Well, Gracie's at my

tonight.

Believe it or not, you're the one he seems to trust the most.

If anybody can get through to him, you can.

Okay. I'll take him.

Benny, time to talk.

Look, I know that you're scared and ashamed and stuff, but...

You gotta tell us what happened.

Come on, Benny.

I don't wanna...

We can't defend you in court unless you tell us. I don't want to. Well, damn it,

you have to.

Look, maybe we can show that you didn't know what you were doing or that you

didn't mean to hurt her. There are different things we can do to keep you

jail. But we can't do anything until you open your mouth and start talking.

You'll get mad at me. I will not get mad at you.

I'm not going to punish you, Benny. I promise.

We're friends.

Friends can talk to each other.

I... I went to one of those places where

girls have no clothes on.

Oh, boy.

Benny, what... No, never mind.

What happened at the place?

I gave a man some money, and he took me to a little room.

He left me there.

A girl came out.

She was naked.

All over.

What happened?

She talked to me.

She said dirty things.

She told me to touch myself in bad places.

Did you?

No, my mother told me never.

So what happened?

After a while, she went away.

And then another man came in and said I had to leave.

So I did.

Then when I was going to the bus stop, the police came to get me.

Wait, wait, wait a second. Wait a second.

What happened between the time you left the naked girl and the police came?

Nothing. They just came because they knew. They knew what?

That I was in a bad place.

That's it.

Benny.

Benny.

I want you to tell me the truth now. The 100 % truth.

After you left this bookstore, did you meet up with another woman?

No. Did you ever physically touch any woman?

No.

Benny, you told the police and you told us that you did something bad.

What did you mean by that? I saw it. I saw sex. She was naked.

They arrested you because they think you grabbed a girl and forced her to touch

your penis.

I did not.

I did not.

Man to man, Benny. Friend to friend.

Did you ever try to make a girl touch you or have sex with you that night?

No, Arnie, no!

You didn't do it, did you?

Are you sure? I was joking about him. I called him Ricky Retardo. And you'd

recognize me if you saw him again?

Sure. He was sweet. Told me I was pretty.

That's a first.

What about the time? Are you positive he was in here at 11 o 'clock? My shift

was from 11 to 5 that night. He was my first customer.

The victims of the attack occurred at quarter past. If your testimony can

establish this... I'm not testifying.

Melanie, you're the only one in here who remembers him. He could go to jail.

Look, between you and me, I'm on parole.

I'm not supposed to leave the state of Colorado.

I testify. I go to jail.

Well, I could talk to your parole officer. We might be able to figure

No way.

Well, wait a minute. At least come with us and talk to the DA. He might decide

to take charge of us. No. Look, I'd like to help the poor guy, but I ain't

willing to do time for him. Look, lady, an innocent and good man is going to get

sent away for ten years if you don't help him.

He's retarded.

He'll get completely destroyed if he goes to jail. His life is at stake.

Please.

You're his only hope.

Can you really fix it with my parole?

Yes, I think so.

Okay. You can fix it. I'll help him.

You all right? Oh, yeah, thanks.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry about your car.

Is there much damage? Oh, I don't think it's anything too serious, sir.

My insurance will cover it. Oh, that's okay.

Look, Sam Millman, you work in this building?

Yes, I work for Mackenzie Brackman. You a lawyer? No, no, I'm a legal secretary.

Oh, Jimmy Markham, Levi's stroller.

I've seen you in the elevator.

Yeah, I've seen you, too.

Kind of an expensive way to get introduced.

Oh, not really. I mean, I like to think that people come along in your life.

It's worth a pile of cheap metal to have known them.

Sometimes it's just a matter of getting those first few words out.

You don't seem like you'd be all that shy.

Oh, I think everybody is basically shy. I mean, you meet somebody, you want them

to like you. Will they laugh at me? Will they hurt me?

Will they disappoint me?

Will you disappoint them?

Will the opportunity arise, which we can find out.

Interesting question.

How about dinner?

I need

my passport, Douglas.

Passport? I've got to get away. I need a vacation desperately.

From what? All you do all day is shop, eat lunch, and play tennis.

What is this, a freak show?

making me nauseous. Why don't you leave?

Why don't we go into your office? I need a check for $10 ,000.

$10 ,000?

Who are you taking?

Bjorn? Roger?

My God.

Not Errol. Oh, stop being so paranoid.

Now, can I please just have the money? No.

We'll have a vacation together in July.

There may not be a July. Every dime you own is half mine, Douglas, and I want my

nickels now!

Sheila, you're out of control.

Here's $100.

Have a facial. Get your nails done. You'll feel better.

You were seated in the third row of the arena, Mr. Hartbig. Is that correct?

Well, I'd taken my wife and our five children out for a special day.

Some special day that turned out to be crippled for life. Uh -huh. Poor man. I

know his pain. He's trying to take all my money.

They announced the flying Giannellis, and they rolled this big cannon out.

Well, my kids are scared to death. They're covering their eyes. They're

this Gianelli guy is going to get hurt or something when all of a sudden, bam,

he's flying through space right at me.

I don't have time to duck, to protect my kids, to do nothing.

Wham! Hits me like a ton of bricks.

I can't imagine the pain.

I just thank God every day that it was me and not my wife or kids that had to

take it. Uh -huh. He's a good family man, you know. I feel for his pain.

Mr. Hartvig, I see you're asking for lost wages and your cause of action.

ever gave us any money for our pain.

You should bear it like a genelli. But it's not a genelli.

Well, I haven't been able to work a single day since this terrible tragedy.

you weren't working before it either, were you?

It's temporarily laid off. For three and a half years.

Lazy. If we could have a little quiet, please.

The man's lazy, oh.

It's a big difference between being temporarily laid off and never being

work again for the rest of your life.

Forget work. I can't even move.

And that's why you're in a wheelchair now. Is that correct, Mr. Hartnett?

Can't move a muscle.

Not a one.

Not any?

Well, my arms can wiggle my toes a little, but that's it.

Oh, my God! Fire!

Where's the fire? Hey!

Hey! Wait a minute!

Nice to have you back on your feet, Mr.

Hartman.

Grazie.

Stay clear.

Bye -bye.

Okay, Tony, be good.

Bye -bye.

He's gone.

He's gone.

I called the bookstore to tell Melanie you'd pick her up for the prelim.

Her boss told me she'd quit.

Where'd she go?

He doesn't have a clue.

Oh, great.

I got a call into Renee Quintana. Maybe she can track her.

Can we get a continuance on the prelim?

Only if I can give assurances that we'll find her.

Oh, God.

What's this mean?

It means that we have no way to prove that he's innocent.

Then he could go to jail.

This is just a prelim, right?

I mean, we have plenty of time to find her before trial.

Well, we were hoping to avoid a trial. And with a trial, you have a jury. And

they're going to take one look at Benny on the stand and see this big, hulking

creature with all the paranoia about the mentally retarded, sex, their libidos.

They're going to think he did it.

No, they won't.

They can't. Roxanne, even I thought that he was guilty.

Mike, do we have any way of winning without that stripper?

I don't see how we can, unless maybe...

Maybe we can shake the victim's testimony somehow.

And he's in trouble.

Big trouble.

And what he demanded, Miss Blood, was oral copulation.

And I thought if I didn't do what he wanted, he would kill me.

So I did it.

Did he say anything to you during the act?

He kept saying...

Enjoy it, bitch. Show me that you love it.

Do you see this man in the courtroom today, Miss Flood?

That's him over there.

Let the record reflect. The witness has indicated the defendant, Benny

Stalwarts. Nothing further.

Miss Flood, you told the police at the scene that you never really got a good

look at the man's face, didn't you?

Yes, but I... So you're here today making a positive ID of a face that you

really got a chance to see. Isn't that right?

I gave them a general description.

But you couldn't tell the color of his eyes, his approximate weight, or even

approximate age. He's badgering the victim. The victim is over there. He

confessed, for God's sake.

Is that why you think he did it? Because they told you he confessed?

Objection. Overruled. Of course that's gonna make me think he did it. A

confession's a confession.

Miss Flood, I'm not trying to beat you up, I swear.

But an innocent man could go to jail here.

My client, Benny Stolwitz, is mentally retarded.

On the night that this happened, he came out of his strip show in the area of

the attack at the time of the attack.

Now, this was the first time that he had ever gone to see a show like that, and

he was very much ashamed.

So ashamed that he ran away when the police approached.

So ashamed that he admitted that he had done something bad.

Now, that... is the essence of this so -called confession.

He thought that going to a strip show was bad. Is there a question remotely in

our future here? Miss Flood, Benny Stoltz is sitting in this courtroom

because you singled him out as the man who attacked you. Now, I think the

you think he did it is because the police told you so, and you figured they

to be right.

Possible?

I don't know.

All right, then.

I want you to do this.

I want you to listen to my client's voice and tell me... This is a circus,

Judge. She testified that he talked all through the attack, Your Honor. Voice

identification is appropriate.

I'll allow it.

All right, Benny, I want you to read this over and over again.

Don't stop until I tell you to stop. Just like we practiced, all right?

Did the man speak quickly or slowly?

He spoke very fast.

Okay, Benny, read it as fast as you can.

As fast as you can.

Read. Enjoy it, bitch.

Show me that you love it. Again, Benny, faster.

Enjoy it, bitch. Show me that you love it. Your Honor. Again, Benny, louder

time. Enjoy it, bitch. Show me that you love it. This approach is completely

inflammatory and serves no purpose whatsoever.

It's relevant, Your Honor, and he should be allowed to continue. Show me that

you love it. Mr. Trevino.

This is ridiculous rants, standing judge, and I ask that it stop.

Your Honor, the district attorney is interfering with my cross -examination.

Well, everyone just quiet down for a minute.

That's not him. Mr. Cusack, please instruct your client. That's not him.

God, you told me you caught him. Your Honor, she's been so bad to you. That's

not him. The man who attacked me didn't talk like that. This man's retarded, for

God's sake.

Miss Flood, are you sure that's not him?

You may step down now, Ms. Flood.

This case is dismissed.

The defendant is free to go.

This court is in recess until 2 o 'clock.

We did it, Benny. We won.

Do I have to go to jail?

No, Benny. You don't have to go to jail.

And I owe you a beer or something.

I'll take this for you. Thank you.

Not too far, I hope.

Bernie, I swear to God, if you do this to me again, you'll be typing your own

letters on Monday. Hey.

Hey there, Benny.

Good to see you.

What?

I'm scared.

Why?

Do they know what I did?

It's okay, Benny.

You don't have to be embarrassed or afraid.

Everybody here is going to be real happy to see you.

Hey.

Congratulations.

Hi, Roxy. Hi.

Hey, Benny.

How are you?

I missed you.

Can I come back to work?

Oh, you bet. The mail room is all mixed up. We've got a dozen packages that need

to be delivered.

You want me to come in tomorrow?

Monday would be fine.

Okay. Eight o 'clock.

Ann?

Ann?

Ann! I'm in here.

Are you almost ready, my darling? My hair still looks awful.

Let me see.

Bad luck for you to see the dress.

Ann, it's okay. I've seen it already. Let me see.

You look unbelievably beautiful.

You were right about the dress. I love the dress.

My hair is a disaster.

No, your hair's great.

The only thing wrong is the wrist.

My wrist?

Yeah, it's too bare.

Stuart, the bracelet.

How did you know?

I guess you wouldn't believe me if I told you that's how physically attuned

are. You wouldn't believe that, huh?

No, I had a spy.

Abby. Uh -uh, the saleswoman.

She works in commission.

Is my lady ready to go to her party?

Wait, I just want to check out... Man, you're beautiful.

Something wrong with the hem.

Damn it! I snagged my hose on the damn bracelet!

I hate these hoes. Damn bracelet?

I hate these. Oh, of course. Here, what about these? These are the same color.

Do it!

You're making me very nervous.

Please, go outside.

I'll be ready in five minutes.

Five minutes.

You know, they're giving the bar again in March.

Not for this cowboy thing, not.

It's no big disgrace to fail it twice, Tony. I know guys who failed it 10, 12

times before they finally passed.

Well, that gives me an awful lot to look forward to, doesn't it?

You don't like that.

I haven't worn one of these things in months. I feel like it's choking me. I

used to get nuts sitting in the office all day.

There's a guy I went to school with.

He wears T -shirts and jeans. He has a private practice out of his condo in

Malibu. Abby, the truth is...

I like what I'm doing now. It's exciting.

I'm my own boss. I get to travel a lot.

It's fun.

That's great, then.

You've got a life that you like.

Give me a champagne, please.

Stuart, everything looks beautiful. Is that mine?

Yeah, thanks.

How's Ann doing?

Heavy. She just redid her hair for the ninth time.

I mean, at the day of my wedding, it took me five hours to get dressed.

Thanks. That's very encouraging.

Stuart, I'm so happy for you.

Thank you. You're a hell of a lucky guy, Stuart.

Thank you.

Oh, you think maybe you and I ought to try this someday?

I told you we wouldn't be late.

We're the last ones here.

Hello, Douglas.

Sheila. I'd like you to meet my friend, Janet Robinson.

Sheila and Douglas Bright. Pleasure to meet you. Pleased to meet you.

Sheila was late getting back from shopping.

Oh. It appears the bride is running a bit behind time. Maybe she's come to her

senses and bailed out on this part.

Sheila. To forsake all others till death do you part.

Is that a crock or what?

I mean, have you seen the new height report?

Seventy percent of married women in this country are fooling around. Sheila,

please. And, of course, my loving hubby here does everything he can to keep up

the men's average, too.

Come on, Ann. You said five minutes.

What? I had to do something to give it some height.

We're talking about two more minutes. Two more minutes.

You have 50 people waiting down there who don't give a damn about the height

your hair.

What? Annie?

Mother?

This is for you.

For both of you.

I know you don't want me here, but Anne Fitt told me.

Annie, I'm only human. It isn't easy to admit when you've done something wrong.

You know, at first I tried to convince myself that it wasn't me, that it was

two of you who owed me an apology.

Oh, sure.

Annie, please, I have... pride myself to sleep every night for two weeks. And

that's supposed to be our fault? No.

No, it's my fault.

I was ignorant and cruel and hateful.

Stuart, do you think you can ever forgive me?

Give me another chance?

It means so much to me.

It's nice to meet you, Miss Kelsey.

Annie, what about you?

Do you think you can forgive me, too?

We've always been so hard on each other.

I'm not even sure if I've ever even told you how much I love you.

And I do love you so much, my baby.

My beautiful, brilliant daughter.

And I want so much to share this day with you.

Will you let me?

Get those things out of your hair now.

My mascara's ruined. No, no, mascara's fine.

We'll put a veil on. We gotta go. We got people waiting.

They're just gonna have to wait, Stuart.

I'll get a tissue.

I told you to get started earlier. I told you not to go into the office

And you just love getting to say, I told you so. No, but somebody's got to be an

adult around here. You are the most compulsive, the most controlling. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Come on, let's go. I'm warning you. Take your hands off me.

Right here.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

Arnie, give me a hand.

Weddings always make me cry. Two to one, this marriage doesn't last a year.

Sheila, I'm warning you.

Might I suggest that since the two of you seem incapable of getting in the

spirit of this occasion, you might take your leave now. And might I suggest that

you are a totally, inconceivably pompous, self -important bag of wet

Sheila, how could you say that to him? Because you don't have the courage to do

it yourself.

For 20 years, you've let him step all over you. He steps on you at the office,

and then you come home and step on me.

You're manufacturing this, Sheila.

sick of you.

I'm sick of your bald head and your hairy back.

I'm sick of your three -piece suit and that stupid pocket watch of your

father's.

But most of all, I'm sick of your humiliating me with your sickening

affairs. My affairs? And who are you, the Virgin Mary?

We gather here in the presence of these witnesses for the purpose of uniting

this couple in matrimony.

The contract of marriage is most solemn and is not to be entered into lightly,

but with the deep realization of its obligation and responsibility.

I can't spend another day of this.

My lawyer will call your lawyer Monday.

Now then, do you, Stuart, take Anne to be your lawful wedded wife?

Fine. Do you promise to love and comfort her, forsaking all others, so long as

you both shall live?

Yeah, fine.

And do you, Anne, take Stuart to be your lawful wedded husband?

Fine.

Do you promise to love, honor, and obey?

To love and honor?

In sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live?

That's fine.

Ah, at this juncture, Anne, you had asked to say a few words.

There was a poem that I was going to read.

I must have left it in my purse.

I know. I should have planned ahead.

It's no big deal.

The only big deal is that you're here, believe me.

Stop that.

Stop being nicer. I'm going to cry.

I've totally ruined this whole day for you. Anne, you didn't ruin it. I didn't.

I wouldn't do anything till the last minute.

It's just your way.

It's your way of dealing with what's really bothering you, which is how

precarious it is to be standing here doing the M word.

Oh, Stuart, I'm such a bitch.

I can't believe I wouldn't fight with you on our wedding day. Anne, people

fight.

I've even grown to like it.

I grew up thinking it was the worst thing in the world.

It's really liberating to realize that you can fight with somebody and still

love them.

With other people, I always used to try and pretend that I was someone I wasn't.

And then I'd feel angry that no one really loved me for me.

But you do, Stuart.

You really love me for me.

And that is the most incredible gift.

And I just hope to God that I can make you half as happy as you made me.

I've never been so happy.

I never thought I could be so happy here.

I love you so much, Stuart.

Let's not screw it up, okay?

Deal.

Deal.

You can go ahead. Now I'm finished.

By virtue of the authority vested in me by the state of California, I now

pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

You've already done that.