Original subtitles

Sir. Sir.

There we go. There we go now.

Yes, yes, it's gonna be fine.

Ah... Are you all right, sir?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just scraped my bark a little.

Well, glad to hear that, sir.

When I saw the mighty oak fall,

I thought you'd broken your acorn.

Thank you, corporal.

Sergeant, this has been an excellent camouflage practice.

Yes, sir.

Everything is going real good, sir.

Knock on wood. Come in.

Oh, it's you, corporal. Yes.

Uh, we just have to do something about Vanderbilt, sir.

He keeps watering the other men.

Look out!

Message for you, captain.

Thank you, Dobbs.

Say, Dobbs, why all that rolling around?

I'm a tumbleweed, sir.

May I, sir?

Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you.

Uh...

Well, looks like we're going to have a wedding.

Oh?

Yes, an officer who formerly served here

is returning to be married.

What officer, sir?

Uh, Major Terence McConnell.

Terrible Terry?

Do you know him, sergeant?

Oh, yes, sir. We were NCOs together.

We were offered a commission in the field.

He took it, and I stayed with the men.

Bless you, sarge.

Last I heard, he was on the deactivation board

in charge of closing down unnecessary forts.

What? Do you suppose that's his real purpose in coming here?

Well, I don't know.

Could have an eye to closing Fort Courage.

Wedding could just be a cover.

Hey, sarge.

Can we fall out now?

My leaves are beginning to wilt.

All right, troop dismissed.

Oh, say, trooper, you're dismissed.

Sir... I... I said you're dismissed.

Sir, uh... Trooper.

Trooper, I said you're dismissed.

What...? Why, that's rank insubordination.

No, sir, that's a real bush.

Not one of us?

Not one of us, sir. No, sir.

Oh.

Well, in that case, at ease.

Whoa!

Timber!

How long have you had that cough, captain?

It's nothing, corporal, it's nothing.

How's the cleanup going?

Oh, everyone busy as a bee for the good of the fort.

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

Captain, you really ought to do something for that cough.

Now, my mother used to mix honey and vinegar.

Oh, really?

My mother used to use lemon and licorice.

Lemon and licorice? Yes, and it worked.

Corporal, corp... No, no. It's your sweeping.

You're not sweeping according to Army regulations.

Here. Here, let me show you. See?

Sweep, two, three, four.

Sweep, two, three, four. See?

You were sweeping like this.

Like that. See?

Uh, Major McConnell?

Oh...

You really ought to do something about that cough, major.

Now, Agarn's mother always used a mixture of honey and vinegar?

Yes, in equal parts.

Hey, Terry, baby.

How are ya? Good to see ya.

I might have known you'd still be here, O'Rourke.

Well... Still a sergeant, I see.

I figured you had enough ambition for both of us, Terry.

I would prefer to be addressed as Major McConnell.

Yes, sir.

Would you show me to my quarters, captain?

Uh, right this way, sir.

Oh, I oughta lay one on him...

Take it easy, sarge.

We don't watch our step,

the major could turn Fort Courage into a ghost town.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

And O'Rourke Enterprises right along with it.

Sweep, two, three. Sweep, two, three.

Stage is gonna be a little late, sir.

It's inefficient,

like everything around this fort.

Never could stand to wait for anything, could you?

Oh, excuse me, sir, uh, Major McConnell.

I never did have your irresponsible

outlook on life.

By the way, captain, I have not yet selected a ring.

Is there a jeweler in town?

Oh, I have a friend who may have some rings.

Would you check into it while we're waiting?

Yes, sir.

Hi, Jane. Howdy, Wilton.

Would you help me with my corset?

Jane.

I mean, the dress board.

Oh.

Uh...

I-I just came in to see about a ring.

What kind of ring?

A wedding ring.

A wedding?

Oh, Wilton, when did you decide?

Just a few minutes ago.

Well, weren't you even gonna ask me first?

I just did.

Well, then, the answer's yes. No, no, Jane.

Jane, if you're thinking

what I'm thinking you're thinking, don't think it.

Well, what do you mean? Well, I-I...

The wedding ring isn't for you, it... It's for another girl.

Well, who is she?

Well, I don't know, I haven't met her yet.

Well, what'd you do? Send for a mail-order bride?!

Ow! Oh... Janey, you don't understand.

She's coming to marry Major McConnell.

Oh! Oh, Wilton, I forgive you.

Captain... Oh, pardon me, ladies.

Captain, sir, the stage is coming.

All right. Here.

Now we'll get a look at the bride.

Hello, Terence.

Welcome to Fort Courage, Emily.

Let me help you with that.

Thank you.

They were made for each other, sarge.

Hey!

Morgan.

Well, Peggy. Uh...

Well, I should have known it would be you.

But, Morgan, I had no idea that you were still here.

Mwah.

Hello, dearest.

Oh, I missed you.

You can put her down now, O'Rourke.

Oh! Uh, yes, sir.

Gentlemen, this is my fiancée, Miss Peggy Gray.

And her cousin, Miss Emily Barker.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporal Agarn.

Oh, I just adore a man in uniform.

This is just like old times, Morgan.

You and me and Terence.

It's not quite like old times, Peggy.

You and I are going to be married.

O'Rourke is no longer in the running,

that is if he ever was.

Oh, uh, yes, sir.

Uh, if you'll excuse me, sir,

I'll attend to the ladies' luggage.

How was your trip, dearest?

I asked you how your trip was.

Mm?

Oh, it was bumpy, Terence.

Kinda shook me up.

Oh, uh, excuse me, sir, has, uh, Major McConnell

said anything about the fort?

He's said many things about the fort,

none of them any good.

Meanwhile, he's probably sneaking around,

spying on everything.

Well, that's why I'm straightening up my desk,

so that he can see how orderly and efficient

we all are at Fort Courage.

Maybe the sarge can put in a good word

for us with the bride-to-be?

Forget about it.

She used to play the piano at the saloon.

We were just good friends. Nothing more than that.

Major McConnell always had the inside track...

Oh! Uh... Ten-hut!

Are you usually this disorganized, captain?

Oh, no, sir. I was just...

There some duties you could be attending, corporal?

Well, sir, as a matter of fact...

And as for you, shouldn't you be drilling the men?

Oh, Terry, is this all you're going to do all day long?

Talk shop?

But, my dear, as an officer...

But what about me? I'm bored.

And no one's even offered to show Emily and me

around the fort.

Oh. I'm terribly sorry. May I?

No, captain.

You and I have to go over your records,

that is if you keep any records around here.

Well, then O'Rourke can take us.

Sergeant O'Rourke is supposed to be drilling the men.

Oh, please, Terry.

He can drill the men later.

Oh, all right.

Anyway, after what I've seen of the men here,

drilling won't help.

Oh, well, yes, ladies.

May I... May I show you...?

This... Right. Yes.

Have a good look at the fort, ladies,

while you still have a chance.

What'd he mean by that?

Never mind, corporal. Never mind.

Just... Just act unconcerned.

The way I'm doing.

And that's the, uh, stable, right there.

There I was at the Alamo,

shoulder to shoulder and backs to the wall.

Hello.

Howdy, ma'am. Ma'am.

Uh, wouldn't one of you men like to show me around the fort?

I just remembered. I have to tune up my bugle.

Oh, uh, what about you, trooper?

I'm on guardhouse duty, ma'am.

Have to see that nobody breaks out.

Oh, I, uh...

I understood there were no prisoners at the fort.

Then I have to see nobody breaks in.

Oh.

Are...? Are you busy too?

Why, no, ma'am.

I'd be pleased to show a pretty gal like you around.

Now, right over here... is the well!

Can't miss it.

Oh.

Wild Eagle, did you get that champagne

we ordered for the wedding?

Here. Oh...

Hey, that looks like the real stuff.

Where'd you get it?

Left over from French and Indian War.

Well, then this must be over 100 years old.

Shh!

If you not tell anyone, they think it fresh.

They'd better be good.

We don't want nothing to go wrong with this wedding.

Any slip-ups and McConnell could close Fort Courage.

That's your problem.

That'll be the end of O'Rourke Enterprises.

That's still your problem.

Your cut of the profits.

That's our problem.

Think that over, huh?

Hey, come on.

Must show major him need fort

for protection against hostile Hekawis.

Chief, I know, we could kidnap ladies.

We could get in trouble.

We could attack fort.

We could get hurt.

We could start buffalo stampede.

We could get killed!

All right, you chief, you think of something.

We kidnap ladies.

Yoo-hoo, corporal!

Oh!

Where did...?

Corporal.

Aw... You caught me, Miss Barker.

I just adore a man who plays games, corporal.

Well, we'll play again same time tomorrow. Bye.

But I have something for you.

You mean, I won a prize?

Oh, you darling boy.

Now, give this to Sergeant O'Rourke.

Shh.

"Meet me at 8:00 tonight at the saloon. Peggy."

Well, what are you gonna do, sarge?

Well, I can't meet her.

If Major McConnell finds out about that,

it's the end of me, it's the end of Fort Courage.

Well, then, don't meet her.

On the other hand, if I don't meet her, she might get mad

and tell the major,

and then it's really the end of Fort Courage.

Well, then, meet her. Then... Agarn.

Meet her, don't meet her. Why don't you make up your mind?

All right then, sarge, I'll meet her.

It has nothing to do with you.

I'm sorry, sarge. I...

I guess I just got carried away.

As long as I'm trapped, I guess I might as well meet her.

Sarge.

The men of F Troop will never forget you for this.

And if you get caught... If you get caught...

What if I get caught?

I'll start packing.

Wait a minute, not so fast.

You have got to make sure that cousin Emily is out of the way.

Me? Make sure that cousin Emily is out of the way?

The men of F Troop will never forget you for this.

Peggy, uh...

you and I shouldn't be here together.

It's all right, Morgan.

Terence is going over some papers with your captain.

So just relax.

And enjoy it.

Don't be so nervous.

Nervous?

Who's nervous? I'm not nervous.

I know just how you feel.

I'm all goosebumps myself.

Well, no wonder, it's cold in here.

I always say, warm hands, cold... Coffee?

Morgan... Uh, Peg, a...

A drink to your wedding.

I never thought I would see you again.

And then suddenly, there you were,

and all the memories came rushing back.

I got the strangest feeling.

It felt like...

Indigestion. Probably something I ate.

Corporal, you're so... Dizzy.

I keep going around in circles.

Oh, look, I know I came here to marry Terence,

and I love him.

But seeing you again...

Well, I just don't know. Well, I do.

What do you say we just call it an evening, huh?

Well, better still,

let's just call it a day.

Oh.

Bye, Morgan.

Come along, Emily.

It's time we get back to the hotel.

Oh...

Well, I... Goodbye, corporal. I'm going now.

Aw, do you have to?

Oh, you.

Peggy, don't ever leave me alone with that man again.

He just won't keep his hands off of me.

Time for hostile-savage kidnapping?

Time for hostile-savage kidnapping.

But remember, be nice about it.

Hey, sarge. What?

Smoke signals. What's it say?

Oh, yeah, message from the Hekawis.

"Have captured, uh, major's girl and friend.

"Come rescue.

Save fort."

Huh?

They've captured Emily and Peggy.

Well, Peggy I can understand, but Emily?

Wait a minute, don't you understand?

They're trying to help us.

If we rescue them,

Major McConnell will think that Fort Courage is necessary, huh?

Good old Hekawis.

Come on, let's go tell Major McConnell.

Captain Parmenter,

I think the time has come for me to be frank with you.

You must realize by now

that the wedding was not my only reason

for returning to Fort Courage.

Yes, I... I know, major.

Now that you've seen our records,

you're going to close down the fort.

Close down the fort?

Now, whatever gave you that idea?

My official purpose in coming here was to report on you.

Who, me? Oh, uh...

Yes, Washington finds it very hard to believe

that you've been handling the Indian situation

as smoothly as your reports indicate.

I came out to double-check.

However, I have seen no evidence of trouble with the Hekawis.

Well, naturally, major,

my policy of containment has kept everything contained.

I'll say this for you, Parmenter.

You run an untidy fort. And you're a rotten sweeper.

But you have kept the peace. I shall give you a good report.

Oh, thank you, major.

Now, we have...

Listen, we had the major figured all wrong.

Well, now we don't have to worry about

the fort being deactivated.

Just the captain. Yeah.

Tell you, we gotta get those women back

before anybody finds out they're missing.

But the wedding...

The wedding starts in a half-hour.

I'll go up to the Hekawi camp, and you get Dobbs and Duffy

and some of the other men and try to stall the wedding.

All right? But how?!

I don't know.

Just use your deceitful, conniving, tricky, little mind.

Sarge? What?

You left out sneaky.

Ah, thanks, Smokey.

O'Rourke, are we glad you're here.

Oh, boy, are we glad you here.

You come to take ladies back and save fort?

No, I came to take the ladies back

and save the captain's neck.

Come on, Peg. Morgan.

I've made up my mind.

I'm not going to marry Terence McConnell.

You...

I'm ready, captain. You may call the others.

You're the first guests to arrive.

I was just going to go get the bride.

Yes, sir, but you haven't rehearsed the men

in the crossed-swords ceremony.

Crossed-swords ceremony?

Well, yes, sir.

That's when the bride and groom

walk under the crossed swords.

The men are waiting for you, captain.

Well, I guess I'd better.

After all, we want this wedding to come off without a hitch.

You get the humor there, huh? Wedding? Hitching?

Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir. Without a hitch. Yes, sir.

Well, what's holding things up?

Sorry, major, there'll be a slight delay.

What for?

Well, sir, you haven't had

your bachelor dinner.

It's traditional or else it's bad luck.

There's no time for dinner.

How 'bout a bachelor sandwich?

No, no sandwich.

Slice of melon or banana, something filling?

Corporal,

will you please call the others?!

Wait a minute, sir.

Uh, it's also bad if you're not wearing

something old, something new...

Good thinking, Dobbs. I like that.

Let's get on with the wedding.

As soon as they finish icing the cake.

And how long will that be?

Not long, after they put it in the oven.

Dobbs, and gently, gently, we don't want the cake to fall.

Right, corporal.

Uh, Peg, you can't be serious about not marrying Terry.

I mean, he's in love with you. You...

Look, we've been through all this before.

You know I'm not the right kind of a guy for you. I mean...

I just gotta be free, you know. No ties, no strings.

But how can you be that certain?

Oh, uh. Well, it's easy.

Um... I mean, if you're a guy like me.

Now, once more, men, I'll be Major McConnell

coming through with his bride, right?

Something funny's going on here.

You've been stalling this wedding.

I'm gonna find my bride.

And what happened to you?

Oh, I got nicked by a sword.

Next time, try a razor. Out of my way.

Terry, I'm sorry I'm late.

But I was dreaming and overslept.

Fortunately, I woke up just in time.

Well, what do you say we get married?

The preacher's waiting at the church.

Everything's been taken care of.

Oh, uh, here are your flowers.

And your ring, major. Ah...

♪ Dum, dum, da-da ♪

♪ Da, dum, da-da ♪

♪ Da, dum, da-da Da, da-da... ♪

Parmenter...

The men with the swords are supposed to be at the church.

Sarge. Sarge.

Yeah, what? What? Where's the captain?

Well, he's around here someplace,

camouflaged as a tree.

I know that, but where?

Well, I... Sarge. What's the matter? What?

Look!

Vanderbilt, what are you doing?

Cutting firewood. I didn't leave a tree standing.

Oh, captain, my captain...

Agarn, don't panic now! Don't panic.

Well, at least, he'll... He'll burn like a trooper.

And we'll sit with him in the winter, warm our hands.

Then I'll get up

and throw another piece of the captain in the fire.

Agarn! What is he talking about?

It's termites, sir. They've attacked his roots.

When springtime comes around, I'll...

I'll stack his logs in the woodshed in a dry place.

Captain, sir! Oh, captain. Oh...