Original subtitles

Ready, aim... Wait!

Now what's the matter?

First, must recite ancient ritual chant.

Not need ancient chant

with modern tooth pulling.

Recite!

Me shoot tooth into air

It fall to earth Me not know where

Ready, aim... Oh. A miracle happen.

Tooth not hurt anymore. Ha-ha.

Some miracle.

Wild Eagle lose nerve.

Better than losing whole jaw.

Come on, wake up there, Smokey.

There you go. Thanks.

Hey, Wild Eagle. Good morning.

Either that's the Indian love call,

or you do a great impersonation of a coyote.

Don't you mind about that.

We're here on business this morning.

O'Rourke Enterprises has not had a delivery from the Hekawis

in three days.

That because Hekawis not have sleep for three nights.

Have you tried counting buffalo?

Me have plenty toothache.

Maybe if you rubbed some whiskey on your gums.

Already rub in whole pint whiskey.

Me happy warrior, but me still have toothache.

Too bad you're not in F Troop.

Our regimental dentist is coming through tomorrow.

Works with laughing gas. Yeah.

Laughing gas?

Him Indian fellow?

No, no, it's a new painless

method of pulling teeth.

Mm. Me think me enlist in paleface Army.

Wait a minute, Wild Eagle.

Well, after tooth fixed, goodbye, Army, hello, Hekawis.

You know what you're saying? You'd have to have a uniform,

you'd have to get by the captain, fool the dentist.

Yeah, it's too risky. No, we couldn't take a chance.

If they caught us, we'd get court-martialed.

O'Rourke not come through for Wild Eagle,

Hekawis not come through for O'Rourke Enterprises.

What say O'Rourke?

Ten-hut!

What that mean? Straighten up, soldier.

You're in the Army now.

All right, now listen.

Just keep your mouth shut,

and try not to be noticed.

Be careful. The captain's a shrewd one.

He doesn't miss a thing.

All right.

Ho!

Ten-hut! Captain!

Captain, sir.

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Thank you, sergeant. Thank you.

At ease, men.

Men... I have just received some orders.

General Sam Courage

will be arriving here tomorrow.

Well, surely you've heard of General Courage.

Courage? It rings a bell.

Now, don't tell me.

Our fort is named after him.

Fort Courage. Of course, sir.

I knew it would come to me sooner or later.

He's making a tour of Army installations

before he retires from the service.

And for sentimental reasons, we are his last stopover.

Yeah, we'll make him proud of his namesake.

Good. Good.

Ye... Oh. And one more announcement, men.

The Army dentist is here on his semi-annual visit.

You know his motto:

"See your soldiers twice a year."

All right, pull out.

Hurry up.

Come on.

Oh, uh, sergeant.

Yes, sir. Take Wild Eagle out of here.

Sergeant, who... Who was that trooper?

- Trooper? - The one with Agarn.

Corporal Agarn, sir? Uh...

Yeah, he looked so familiar to me.

Corporal Agarn should look familiar to you.

N-no, not Corporal Agarn, sergeant.

N-never mind. What I wanted to tell you is that Dobbs and I

are riding out to meet the general

so we can escort him in.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You'll be in charge of the fort.

I'll take care of everything, sir.

Yeah. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Uh...

I wish that tooth puller would yank faster.

Look, the captain's away.

We got a real break.

Now, relax, will you?

I'll relax when we can give him back to the Indians.

Indian giver.

Did it hurt, Duffy?

Not a bit.

All right.

Now, get Wild Eagle in there.

I'll watch everything out here.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm Lieutenant Goodbody.

Now, which one of you is my next patient?

Hurry it up, will you, doc?

Oh, I always work fast.

I even finished my four-year dental course in seven months.

Sit down, trooper.

Now... if you'll remove your hat...

Oh. He always wears his hat in the dentist's chair.

Oh. Superstitious?

No, he's a religious fanatic.

Well... Army haircuts

have certainly changed since I was a recruit.

Well... he's a musician, sir. He plays the drums.

Open, please.

Ah. Now, this won't hurt a bit.

Not a bit. Now, I'm gonna use laughing gas.

It'll take a few minutes before the gas takes effect.

I'll be right back.

Psst. Agarn.

I just got a message from Wrangler Jane

that General Courage is in town now.

There must've been a mix-up in the captain's orders.

Well, I'd better hightail it down there and meet him.

Supposing the captain comes back here?

You can't leave me alone here with him.

All right, we'll both go

and bring him with us. Go.

Right.

Come on, chief, we can't keep the general waiting.

Laughing gas work fine.

Me not feel tooth out.

I don't know what's happened to this man's Army.

In my day, they would have had a regiment

to meet a visiting general.

But they didn't expect you to arrive until tomorrow.

A good officer always expects the unexpected.

Oh, here they come.

General, Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke, sir.

Corporal Agarn, sir.

How. How?

Uh, that's his name, sir. Private Howe.

He volunteered to carry your baggage.

Volunteered, eh? He must be new around here.

Here before white man.

White man?

What he means is he enlisted

before Private Whiteman, sir.

Howe. I'll remember that name.

A good officer always remembers names.

Where's your commanding officer?

Eh, uh, what's-his-name?

Wilton Parmenter.

He rode out to meet you, sir. You must have missed each other.

I didn't miss him. He missed me.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Well, I guess I'll be seeing you later, fellas.

You too, general.

Ah. If I was only six ranks younger.

Well, shall we proceed to quarters?

General's baggage.

Yes, sir. Well, it must be, uh, very gratifying, sir,

to retire after such a long and glorious career.

Yes, I'm proud to say that in my 40 years of service,

I've never had a blemish on my record.

How does the general feel

about a spot on his uniform?

Now there's a man who uses his head.

Huh. Yes.

It may be his head, but it's my jacket.

Uh, what was his name again, sergeant?

Uh, Private Howe, sir.

Private Howe...

I came up through the ranks myself.

I believe in promotions in the field.

I like your initiative.

I promote you to corporal.

That's funny. We should have met the general by now.

Captain, do you suppose we're lost?

Oh, no. Of course not, Dobbs.

We've been heading north ever since we left the fort.

That's the third time we passed that elephant-shaped rock.

There's a very simple explanation for that, Dobbs.

What is it, sir?

We're lost.

Hey. Blanket have "Us" on it.

Well, what about it?!

Not want us in blanket, just me.

That's is "U.S." United States, you knucklehead.

Oh.

Uh, tooth hurt.

Me lie down.

You can't sleep on the floor.

Oh, Agarn right. Floor too hard.

Corporal Howe sleep on ground outside.

Sleep on the floor.

Corporal Howe.

It took me six years to make corporal.

And Wild Eagle makes it in less than an hour.

Oh, simmer down, will you?

Be calm. Not important.

Well, if memory serves me right,

this must be the non-com quarters.

Oh.

What's that debris doing on the floor?

That's Howe. Who?

Uh, not who, sir. Howe. Corporal Howe.

What's wrong? Couldn't Captain What's-His-Name

issue him a cot?

Well, of course. But he sleeps on the floor

to toughen himself up.

Right. He's adapting himself

to combat conditions.

We couldn't let him sleep on the ground outside.

I like a man who sleeps on the floor.

It firms up the muscles and strengthens the body.

I used to always sleep on the floor.

Yeah. Help me up, will you, sergeant?

Oh. Yes, sir.

Oh, oh.

And when Corporal Howe wakes up,

tell him I've promoted him to sergeant.

Ten years it took me to get those stripes.

And he makes sergeant in one night.

In his sleep.

Simmer down, sarge. Calm yourself.

It really ain't that important.

Agarn, shut up.

You mean me still acting chief?

Wild Eagle not have tooth pulled yet?

Well, there's been a little delay.

Keep up good work.

Don't worry, he'll be back soon.

Huh. Too bad. When Wild Eagle away...

Crazy Cat play.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

He's in the dispensary right now having that tooth fixed.

Well, is it all over, Agarn?

Oh, it's all over.

Good. Now, we can get rid of Sergeant Howe...

We're already rid of him. Huh? Good. What happened?

Now, he's Lieutenant Howe.

Eh... What do you mean?

What... I told you to watch him.

I watched. I watched the whole thing.

Well, what happened?

They fired the cannon to honor the general.

Don't tell me. The tower fell over.

It would have fallen right on the general,

only Wild Eagle pushed him away.

Uh-huh. And then the general commissioned him.

Wouldn't you?

Listen, Wild Eagle... Lieutenant.

Sarge, he's right. Somebody might overhear.

Will you stop all that nonsense

and just go get your tooth pulled?

A good officer learn to live with pain.

But not with a pain in the neck.

Now, you better get out of here.

Why you not salute?

We should salute you?

That order!

Ten-hut!

Next time you not salute lieutenant,

lieutenant have your stripes.

Let me see now.

The sun rises in the east,

and it sets in the west.

It's afternoon, since the sun

is traveling to our right.

Then south is directly in front of us.

Very good, sir. In which direction do we head?

We'll try all four.

Good thinking, sir.

You know, I keep thinking about that strange-looking trooper

I saw with Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn before we left the fort.

Which strange-looking trooper is that, sir? We have so many.

Just wish I could remember where I've seen him before.

Heh. High cheekbones, swarthy complexion,

dark eyes...

Dobbs, I've got it. You know which way the fort is?

I know why that trooper looks so familiar.

It was Chief Wild Eagle.

Chief Wild Eagle in F Troop? Huh. Couldn't be, sir.

We better check it out. Let's get back to the fort.

Yes, sir. Uh... which way, sir?

Oh, that's right, we're lost, aren't we?

Well... I just remembered something.

These horses are specially trained

to find their way back to the fort.

They have the instincts of homing pigeons.

Then all we gotta do is start them off and follow.

Yeah.

Show us the way, fellas.

Hyah! Hyah!

Not so fast! Not so fast!

Wait!

Attention!

Men... I've called you together

so we could have this little powwow.

Powwow. That's an Indian word, you know.

We know.

Yes. Well, I wanna discuss

the subject of the Hekawis.

Good subject.

Now... here we are at Fort Courage.

And here are the Hekawis.

The question is,

can we expect any trouble from them?

How much trouble can a circle give you?

Stupid corporal.

Well, the Hekawis haven't shown

any signs of hostility lately, sir.

Chief Wild Eagle big peace lover.

Yes, but Wild Eagle won't be chief forever.

Bite tongue. What was that, lieutenant?

Uh, he said he bit his tongue, sir.

Continue, general.

That brings us to our second question.

How can we discourage the Hekawis

from ever going on the warpath?

Ah, well, that's a real puzzler, sir.

You never know what a Hekawi will do next.

Any suggestion from you, lieutenant?

Money.

Money? What's that got to do...?

Oh, I see what you mean. Yes.

The government should set the Hekawis up

in business for themselves.

For themselves, sir?

Give them a feeling of independence.

Let them sell their own blankets and trinkets.

But, sir... Don't interrupt, sergeant.

The lieutenant has a brilliant idea.

I'm gonna submit it to Washington.

We'll call it, uh... Hekawi Enterprises?

Good. I like it.

Don't you think we should wait for our commanding officer?

Captain What's-His-Name is no longer commanding officer.

I'm promoting Lieutenant Howe to major

and putting him in charge

of the Hekawi Enterprises.

I know the captain would want you to have... this.

"To Mother, from Fort Courage."

Oh, Wilton. Why did they have to

do this to you? Ah!

Chokes you up, eh, sarge? Poor kid.

Poor kid? Poor us.

What do you think is gonna happen to O'Rourke Enterprises

if those Hekawis go in business for themselves?

What are we gonna do, sarge?

I'll think of something.

Where is Wild Eagle right now?

At the dispensary.

Eh. I got it.

Hold this officer's manual. Come on.

Now, please, don't go away, major.

As soon as the laughing gas takes effect,

I'll be back to do the extraction.

Hey, Wild Eagle. We gotta talk to you.

Yeah. Here.

You're leaving the Army.

Wild Eagle not leave. Wild Eagle like being major.

Same as being chief. And get Army pension too.

I guess you don't know the qualifications

that go with the office.

He ain't read

from the Army manual, has he, sarge?

Hadn't heard about the test, huh?

Must be plenty funny test.

Listen to this. "Article 73 ..."

"Heading W. Sub-heading small H."

And small H's are the worst kind.

Anybody who's just been made major

has gotta earn the respect of his men

and going through the qualification test.

Why you laugh?

Wild Eagle must earn respect.

Must prove worthy.

Because that Army way.

You mean you're willing

to take the qualifications test?

Take it now.

Let's go.

All set, sarge.

General's got everyone out on a hike.

All right now, we're all set

for the qualification test for major.

Wild Eagle ready.

All right. Now, you see that pile of logs?

You take them up to the top of the tower.

Easy.

And then you, uh... You bring 'em back down again.

One at a time.

Still easy.

All right. There you go.

How deep is well?

Oh, not very deep. Just to the bottom.

Yeah.

Me do it. Me do it.

All right, yes. Well, now...

the, uh, next, uh...

The next test is that you crawl on your stomach

from here to the captain's quarters

and, uh, push this cannonball with your nose.

Up.

Oh. Too bad.

You didn't quite reach

the captain's headquarters.

Yeah, but as long as this is the final qualification,

I guess we could say he passed the test.

Me major. Me... Me finish test?

No, no. This is just the first part of the test.

There are four more parts you have to pass.

Me too pooped to pass.

Oh, that's a shame.

Well... you gave it a good try, Wild Eagle.

I guess you'll just have to go back to the Hekawis.

Me go. Better red man than dead man.

Sarge. How are we gonna explain it?

Major Howe just can't disappear.

Well, he could always say he went A-W-O-L.

Uh. Not get good conduct medal.

Uh, believe me...

Believe me, Wild Eagle, it's better this way.

Sure. It's more fun being an Indian chief than a soldier.

That's what Sitting Bull tells me.

Let's see now.

The sun rises to the east, it sets in the west.

And since the sun is traveling on our left...

then north is right in front of us.

Come on, men.

Now, how could a whole troop get lost?

Well... that's the last of Major Howe.

And just in time.

We're safe now.

All we gotta do is get rid of the evidence. Okay?

Traitors! Murderers!

Murderers, sir?

Oh, we haven't killed anyone, sir.

What about the evidence?

I can explain everything, sir.

Major Howe all gone.

Traitors! Murderers!

Don't just stand there, sarge. Explain it!

You can do your explaining to a firing squad.

Firing squad? Oh, sir, I puncture so easily.

Oh, well, general...

All right, we... We confess.

To having murdered that splendid officer?

Oh, no, sir. That Hekawi Indian you see standing there

is that splendid officer.

Meet the major. How.

I don't believe it.

Well, look.

Ah. Why...

See? Major Howe.

Me in Army again?

Good heavens.

Yeah, you see, we slipped him in

to have him treated by the Army dentist.

Yeah. Now I don't have to face the firing squad.

You'll face life imprisonment at hard labor.

How dare you foist an imposter major

off on the United States Army? Mm.

Well, when he came into the Army...

uh, he was a private, not a major.

That's right. We may be the ones

who got Wild Eagle in the Army,

but you were the one who promoted him

up through the ranks, sir.

If you turn us in, it would expose yourself, sir,

which would be a shame. I mean,

when you're so ready to retire, hm?

After such a long and glorious career.

They might even change the name of Fort Courage.

No. N... How you like Fort Wild Eagle?

No! No. Oh, no.

Goodbye, Army. Hello, Crazy Cat...

and ancient ritual tooth pull.

Oh, I am ruined.

I'll never be able to write my book.

General, maybe we could keep

this little secret just among ourselves.

You see, our plan was to let him go A-W-O-L.

I-I've got a better plan. Oh?

I'll have him transferred to a desk in Washington.

Good. Then he'll never be heard from again.

At last: civilization.

Sergeant O'Rourke. Sergeant.

I w... O'ROURKE: Hey!

Hey, captain. Here. Here now.

Captain, sir. Captain, sir,

we've been worried about you, sir.

I've been worried about me too.

Well, you're safe now, sir.

Yes. O'Rourke, Agarn, listen to me, listen to me.

Chief Wild Eagle is in the troop.

He's plotting to take over the fort.

Chief Wild Eagle, sir?

Why, sure, you... You must be joshing.

Oh. Why don't you sit in the shade, sir?

The sun is a little hot.

Right there, sir. That's it. That's it.

That's right. Here we go, sir.

There you go. That's right. Ha-ha.

Oh.

Oh, yes. Heh.

Oh. Oh, that feels good, Agarn.

What's going on here? Who is this man?

That's our commanding officer, sir.

Captain What's-His-Name.

Oh, Parmenter. Where have you been?

I went out to meet you, sir, and I got lost.

Well, I don't understand

how an officer could get lost.

The whole troop maybe. But not an officer.

General. I've got to warn you.

An Indian has snuck into the troop.

Oh, you've been out in the sun too long, captain.

Better sit down.

I am sitting down.

Well, then stand up.

Are you seriously suggesting that I, General Sam Courage,

would let an Indian infiltrate this troop?

Why, that's preposterous, sir.

Ridiculous. Yeah.

Why, I could spot an Indian the minute I seen one.

You could, sir? Well, how? By his high cheekbones?

No. I know some low-cheekboned ones.

Then how can you tell, sir?

By his teeth.

Now, there is an Indian.