Original subtitles

Dobbs is slipping, he missed the tower.

Pay table's all set up, sarge.

Oh, thanks, Duff.

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

Allow me, captain.

Oh, thank you, corporal.

Uh, let's see, now.

We'll pay the non-commissioned officers first.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Morgan Sylvester.

Yes, sir.

Here you are, sergeant.

Thank you.

Uh, Corporal Agarn, Randolph, no middle initial.

Yes, sir.

Uh, let me see, corporal.

You have a statement of charges this month.

I know that, sir.

Last month, you lost one blanket, one saddle,

one bridle, four horseshoes, and one horse.

Well, I have good news, sir.

My horse, Barney, came home this morning.

Oh, that's wonderful, corporal.

Was he wearing his, uh, blanket, saddle, bridle, and shoes?

No, sir. When he came back, he was stark naked.

I can't understand that.

I can.

There are some juvenile delinquents in town

who go out at night stripping parked horses.

Do they really?

Oh, that's right, sir.

Why, only yesterday, a youngster offered

to sell me four hot horseshoes.

I don't know what this younger generation is coming to.

Uh, uh, here you are, corporal.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Dobbs, Hannibal Shirley.

Shirley.

Your gun crew did it again, Wilton,

shot this cannonball right through my window.

I'm sorry, Jane, but don't you worry now,

the government will make restitution.

We sure will.

Here, Janey, buy yourself a new window.

And here, captain, buy yourself a new blanket, saddle,

bridle, and four horseshoes.

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Here, we'll replace the window from the troop fund.

Thank you, Wilton.

Here's a wire that just came in from Territorial Headquarters.

Oh. Thank you, Jane.

It says you are now eligible

to take the examination and test for promotion to major.

It does? Yes.

Tests are gonna be held in Dodge City this Saturday.

It's about time you got that gold leaf, sir.

Oh, that's a very stiff examination, sir.

You've got to be able to recite the officers' manual

backwards and forwards and perform every duty

required of a horse soldier.

Having been commissioned in the field,

I've haven't had that much training.

Oh, Wilton, I have confidence in you.

If kissing is one of the tests, sir,

they'll make you a general.

Jane, please, I've told you, not in front of the troops.

Sir, I tell you one thing,

every man in F Troop will help you prepare for this.

Oh, thank you, sergeant.

Of course, it would be great to get that promotion.

Who knows, maybe next month I'll be at this table

collecting major's pay.

Hi, O'Rourke.

Shh. Shh. What's the matter?

I've got the captain in the NCO club

studying that officers' manual so he can pass the test.

But I just want...

Shh! You got to leave him alone.

Everybody in F Troop is cooperating.

He's got to have absolute quiet so he can memorize the manual.

Look over there.

I don't believe it.

Even the horses are cooperating.

Look over there.

You really are keeping 'em quiet, O'Rourke.

Yeah, we got to.

The only way the captain can concentrate.

Count on me. I won't bother him.

Good girl, Janey.

You should always carry signs, Agarn.

It's the one way you can tell your left foot from your right.

Now, wait a minute, you two, hold it.

We've got to have quiet around here.

I want you men to go about your normal duties

but quietly, do you hear me?

We hear you, O'Rourke.

All right, troop, dismissed.

I wonder where I could get another officers' manual.

Company. Company: headquarters

and two or more platoons under a captain.

Uh, battalion: headquarters, two or more companies,

plus battery, under a major.

Uh, regiment: headquarters, three battalions,

plus a band, under a colonel.

Very good, captain.

Thank you, corporal.

Of course, Sergeant O'Rourke deserves most of the credit.

After all, if he didn't know the manual by heart,

I never would've gotten a new one in time.

Well, if I may say so, sir, I think we should continue.

That's right, sir.

You gotta know these things forwards and backwards.

Right, corporal.

Platoon is lieutenant a under usually unit small.

How do you like that, sarge?

He can even do it backwards.

Sergeant, I think maybe we better call this a night.

But, sir, we've only covered about half the manual.

Maybe so, sergeant, but I don't think

I can keep my eyes open any longer.

That's no problem.

Funny, I never would've thought of that.

Maybe I ought go out to the well, get more water.

No, no. Never mind, corporal.

Who is authorized to negotiate an Indian treaty?

President of the United States,

Secretary of War,

territorial governor, and a military commander

whose jurisdiction extends over 203 square miles.

Captain.

What happened? What happened?

You're falling asleep again.

Oh, yes, corporal.

It's the sitting down that does it.

Captain, you've gotta keep moving, sir.

Sarge, you fire the questions

and I'll keep the captain moving.

All right, now.

What is the table of organization

of a cavalry fort situated in a town of less than 5000 people?

Uh, one officer over the rank of second lieutenant,

two non-commissioned officers

and a minimum of 12 privates.

Now, say it backwards.

Privates 12 of minimum a

and officers non-commissioned two,

lieutenant second of rank the over officer one.

Is he beautiful, sarge?

Hi, Wilton.

Oh, uh, here, put that right there, Jane.

Oh, hi, Jane.

What have you got in the basket?

Basket the in got you have what. Jane, hi.

What? He's a little punchy

from trying to learn the manual forwards and backwards.

Oh, well, I saw the light on in your office,

so I thought maybe you fellas would like a snack

and some coffee.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Janey.

Now, that's just the most beautiful thing

I have ever heard.

Do you fellas like egg salad sandwiches?

Oh, boy, that really hit the spot.

You read my stomach's mind.

Would you like an egg salad sandwich, Wilton?

Wilton?

Better let him sleep.

He's got a big day tomorrow,

practicing for the basic training part of the test.

You're right.

Hey, hey, let's go.

Please, Jane, not in front of the sandman.

Now, the first thing that I think you should practice

is making the bedroll.

I think that's a good idea, sergeant.

Gesundheit, sir. Thank you, corporal.

Are you all right, sir? Yes.

I caught a slight chill sleeping in that damp shirt.

I'm awfully sorry about that, sir.

It's all right, it wasn't your fault.

We've got everything laid out for you right here.

The test manual says

that you're supposed to make this bedroll

and tie it on the back of a horse in nine seconds.

Oh, that shouldn't be too difficult.

Have you got a watch? Yes, sir.

All right, sergeant, you time me.

I'll bet I can do it in less than nine seconds.

You ready?

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, yes, yes. I just leaned on the fork.

Ooh!

Captain, the next part of the test

is to shoe a horse in not over eight minutes.

All four feet?

Unless we can find a horse who only walks on his back legs.

Let me see, now.

I used to watch the village smithy

as he stood under the spreading chestnut tree.

Hand me that hammer, please, sergeant.

There we are, sir.

Thank you.

Fire!

Stand back, captain.

Agarn, get the water.

That's right.

I'm sorry, captain, sir.

That's all right. That was my fault.

Don't you worry about a thing.

We'll put some more coal on the fire.

Thank you, sergeant.

Gesundheit, sir.

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, I just have a little chill, I guess.

We can't let you catch a cold and miss that test, sir.

No, no, I'll be all right.

Gesundheit, sir.

We've got to get you out of those wet clothes.

Oh, captain, I poured the water on you last night.

I poured the water on you today.

You're gonna catch your death of cold.

You won't be able to take the test.

You're never gonna become a major...

and it's all my fault.

Oh, sir.

Agarn, will you stop crying?

His uniform is wet enough already.

Hey, Smokey.

Sarge, do you think Chief Wild Eagle'll

have a good cold remedy?

Well, if he doesn't, his medicine man will.

Indians have remedies for everything.

Hey, Craze, where's Wild Eagle?

Oh, chief in his teepee lying down.

Oh, taking a nap?

No. Him have very bad cold in head.

Sarge, that's wonderful.

This is our lucky day.

What did I tell you? Come on.

Ah, hi, chief.

Oh, hello, boys.

How do you feel, Wild Eagle?

Like General Custer should have my head.

Nothing personal.

What'd your medicine man do for you?

With the medicine man, it's always the same thing.

Take two berries and go to bed.

Didn't the medicine man

give you any of those old Indian remedies?

What give remedies?

He won't even make teepee calls.

Well, didn't he have some herbs and roots,

something to help your cold?

All he keeps telling me is take long canoe trip.

They're all alike.

We're in the hands of quacks.

Here, chief. This very good for your cold.

Another doctor heard from.

What is that?

Squaw of Chief Thunderbird send this.

She said it "sure cure" for cold.

What is it, Craze?

Chicken soup.

Again with the chicken soup.

Last year, had ingrown toenail, she send chicken soup.

Might as well drink it, chief.

It could help you.

How can chicken soup help?

It wouldn't hurt.

Crazy Cat, did you send smoke signal to medicine man?

Uh-huh.

Did medicine man answer smoke signal?

Uh-huh. What he say?

Uh, don't smoke me. I'll smoke you.

Come on, let's go to town.

See if we can find a remedy.

Only one thing could help this.

Now, why didn't I think of that.

Whiskey is a good remedy for anything.

Hey, chief, will that really help?

It wouldn't hurt.

Here, Wilton. This is what my mother gave my father

when he had a cold.

It's black-bean soup

with a dash of blackberry wine.

Janey, you know I never drink.

But there's very little wine in this. Come on.

Come on.

Mm. Mm.

Say, that's very good.

You say this is what your mother

gave your father when he had a cold?

Yes, and Daddy had a cold all winter.

I can see why.

Come in. Come in.

Howdy, captain. How are you feeling?

Oh, pretty good, Dobbs.

I made up a little remedy that my mommy

used to give my daddy when he had a cold.

We've already got one of those, Dobbs.

Oh, this one's sure-fire, captain.

It's made of molasses, a little cottonseed oil

and a dash of bourbon.

We don't need that, Dobbs.

Wilton is doing just fine with my soup.

Thanks anyway, Dobbs.

All right, sir.

Oh, hi, Duffy. Dobbs.

How's the captain?

Oh, feeling much better.

Good.

Come in.

How are you doing, captain?

Much better, Duffy. Thank you.

We had a lot of colds at the Alamo, sir.

I'm sure you did, Duffy.

I'll never forget the first time Davy Crockett sneezed.

I turned to him and I said, "Davy," I says, "gesundheit."

That's very thoughtful of you, Duffy.

Well, after I said gesundheit,

I fetch him a batch of this remedy for colds

made by a Mexican friend of mine, Pancho Domingo.

Duffy, I already have a cure for Wilton's cold.

I think this is better, Jane.

It's made from cactus juice and tequila.

Oh, if it's all the same to you, Duffy,

I think I'll just stick with Jane's soup.

Oh, whatever you say, sir.

Hello, sarge.

Hi, Duff. Agarn.

Hi, Duffy.

How's the captain?

He ain't doing so good.

Jane ain't helping him much either.

Oh?

O'Rourke, if you and Agarn have come

with a remedy for Wilton's cold, don't bother.

Well, we just...

He's doing just fine with my soup.

I think Jane's right, men.

I certainly appreciate your concern.

Well, just, uh...

Well, as long as you're feeling better,

that's all we're interested in.

That's right, sir.

We're only worried about your health.

We sure want you to be ready to take that test tomorrow.

I'm sure Janey knows what she's doing, sir.

We'll see you in the morning.

The captain's gonna be in fine shape for that test tomorrow.

He should be.

When Jane wasn't looking,

I poured a remedy of molasses, cottonseed oil

and bourbon in her soup.

I wonder how that'll mix with cactus juice and tequila.

If the captain goes for seconds on that soup,

we're in trouble.

Happy New Year!

Sounds like he went for thirds.

Wouldn't you?

We'd better get him back to bed quick. Come on.

Private Vanderbilt, I'm relieving you of guard duty.

But nobody can relieve me

except the corporal of the guard or Captain Parmenter.

I am Captain Parmenter, and I will walk guard for you.

Thank you, sir.

Now, that's what I call the blind leading the blind.

Come on.

Get that blanket!

Good. Now, over here.

All right now, captain.

Sir, sir. Please, sir. All right, here we go.

Be careful now, captain.

Captain, don't fall.

Hold it, sir. Come down.

That's it. Easy.

Watch your step.

Take it easy.

Captain.

Wait, he's climbing down. Nice and easy.

Just climb down the ladder, sir.

Stay back! Stay back!

You did it again, O'Rourke.

Shot this cannonball right through my bedroom window.

Later, Janey, later.

Hi, Jane.

Wilton Parmenter, you come down here this instant.

Oh, now, Jane.

Wilton Parmenter, you're a disgrace.

And you keep telling me that you don't drink.

Jane's a lovely girl.

And she sure makes a great little black-bean soup.

Good morning, men.

Morning, sir. Morning, sir.

I want you to take over the fort

while I take this test in Dodge City.

Oh, you can rely on us, sir.

Do you, uh, remember last night, sir?

Of course, I do.

You do?

Certainly. I had some soup and went to bed.

Sarge, his memory's gone.

Do you remember anything else at all, sir?

Like what, sergeant?

Like, uh, who is authorized

to negotiate an Indian treaty?

President of the United States, Secretary of War,

territorial governor and a military commander

whose jurisdiction extends over 203 square miles.

Ah, good luck to you, sir, from all of us in F Troop.

Thank you, sergeant.

I think we've got ourselves a new major.

I made the sandwiches for the party, O'Rourke.

Mm. Good girl, Janey, good girl.

As soon as the captain comes to the door,

I'm gonna give him a salute on my bugle.

That's a good idea, Dobbs.

You're gonna let him play where there's open food?

I'm warning you, Agarn.

Cut it out, you two, cut it out!

O'Rourke, that banner's all wrong.

I suppose you think Wilton's not going to pass the test.

Oh, I think he'll pass the test all right,

but that banner should read, "Goodbye, Major Parmenter."

What are you talking about?

Sarge, you know the regulations as well as I do.

They never have a fort commander over the rank of captain.

My golly, he's right. I forgot all about that.

I was so interested in his getting a promotion.

If Wilton makes major, he'll be transferred?

- That's right. - Now, that...

is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

When he comes through the door, maybe I oughta play "Taps."

I told you, Dobbs,

not where there's open food.

All right. Will you cut it out, you two?

I don't need crying, and I'm not a...

But I'm gonna lose Wilton.

We're all gonna lose him.

Who's going to lose whom?

Oh, Wilton.

Oh, you're still a captain.

The captain failed.

Hip hip hooray!

I mean, what a shame, sir.

Well, I did my best, men,

and I'm sorry I let you all down.

Oh, sir, those men at headquarters

wouldn't know a good officer if they saw one.

It's just that I'm sorry I spoiled your party.

You didn't spoil anything, sir.

We were covering all bets.

I'll go set up the beer.

Ah, good, Dobbs, good.

Oh, I almost forgot, Jane.

Here... Here...

Here's a little something I got for you in Dodge City.

Oh, Wilton, what a beautiful handkerchief.

Thank you.

Jane, please not in front of a keg of beer.

You dropped this, sir.

Oh. I can see you already read it, sergeant.

I'm sorry, sir. I, uh... I didn't know what it was.

What is it, Wilton?

Well, I guess you'd all find out about it sooner or later.

He passed the test, Janey,

but he turned down the promotion

because he found out he'd be transferred.

Well, I wasn't about to leave Fort Courage.

Not when I've got the finest troop

in the United States Cavalry.

Hey, well, now,

we'll certainly drink to that, sir.

I did it again.

I'm sorry, captain. I... I...

That's all right, corporal.

Are you all right?

Jane, I think you'd better whip up another batch of that soup.

What's going on, sergeant?

Excuse me, sir, I've ordered the men

to be absolutely quiet

so that Corporal Agarn can study the soldier's manual.

Yes, he's going to take that test

for his promotion to sergeant.

That's right, sir.

That certainly is a unique way

of keeping the fort quiet.

Captain, sir, sarge. I think I've got it memorized.

Oh?

Uh, give us the second general order.

Hearing and sight within place

takes that everything observing and alert

the on always keeping,

manner military a in post my walk to.

Very good, corporal, very good.

Now give it to us forwards.

I knew there was something I forgot.