Original subtitles

We have the banner all finished, captain.

Well, good work, Stanley, and you too, Livingstone.

Oh, my, you certainly did a wonderful job...

Are you all right, captain?

Yes, yes. I'm fine, Livingstone. I mean, Stanley.

Uh... Uh, here.

You two men, see if you can't

paste this banner together.

I'll go check on our marching band.

Just ain't fair. Don't you backstab me!

Wait a minute, both of you. Hold it!

Sergeant, what seems to be the trouble?

Oh, well, nothing, sir.

We're just trying to decide

who should lead the military band.

Sir, I don't think there's any doubt

but that the leader of the band

should have an instrument

that plays lovely melodious tones.

Too bad you can't find an instrument like that, Agarn.

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

Captain, I think that the leader of the band

should play the bugle because it's more military.

Your bugle is military, only because

with your lips, it becomes a deadly weapon.

I'm warning you, Agarn.

All right, now, hold it!

Hold it! Both of you. Really, men.

Well, I think Captain Parmenter should be the judge

because he has such a fine musical ear.

Hold it, Dobbs, hold it.

See what I told you, sir? He's a menace with that bugle.

I'm sorry, sir.

Well, I guess Corporal Agarn will lead the band,

and, Dobbs, you try to play softly.

I'll try playing with one lip, captain.

Sergeant, call the troop to attention

and we'll march into town to start the celebration.

Yes, sir. All right, troop. Fall in. Come on.

Forward, march!

Troop, halt!

At ease, men.

Agarn, put your saxophone at ease.

Oh, Wilton, this is so exciting.

Please, Janey. Please, I've told you,

not in front of the troops.

Captain Parmenter? Yes, sir?

Permit me to introduce myself.

My name is Parker, James Parker.

Better known in the territory as Big Jim.

Well, I'm very happy to meet you, Mr. Parker.

Oh. Ha-ha. Big Jim.

Are you going to be in Fort Courage long?

I expect so, yes.

Well, I think you'll find this a very nice little town, sir.

Thank you. That's why I bought it.

My pleasure, gentlemen.

He bought the town?!

Imagine, buying up a whole town.

This Big Jim Parker, he must be some wheeler-dealer.

There's a lot of carpetbaggers around

buying up towns these days.

No kidding, sarge? Yeah.

Just last week, a guy try to sell me a town

but I was too smart for him.

Where was it?

Some place out in Nevada called Las Vegas.

They've gotta get up pretty early in the morning

to outsmart you, sarge.

Yeah.

Huh.

Very nice. Very nice, Smitty.

What kind of man are you, throwing Janey out of her store?

You know, if you're not careful,

you'll get this whole town down on you.

Well, you forget, sergeant,

this is my town.

All right, Smitty, let's get along.

You keep this up, Parker,

and the people are gonna run you right out of Fort Courage.

Fort Courage?

Oh, you mean that broken-down cow town

that used to be here, hm?

What do you mean?

You are now standing in downtown Parkersville.

Now, that's going too far.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Just a minute, we're not finished.

Oh, really, O'Rourke?

What are you doing with that badge?

You're now talking to your new sheriff.

You're the new sheriff?

That's right.

And you're both under arrest for loitering.

Ha! Tell that to the judge.

I'm glad you mentioned that, corporal.

Meet His Honor, the new town judge.

Court is now in session.

First case, loitering. How do you plead?

Wait a minute, Parker.

Guilty! Guilty!

The court sentences you to $2 or two days.

We want to appeal to a higher court.

Very well.

Meet your new territorial justice.

Appeal denied.

What are we gonna do, sarge?

Pay the man the $2.

Thank you, gentlemen. Ha-ha. Good day.

I'd punch him in the mouth,

but I don't know which mouth to punch.

The sheriff, the judge or the territorial justice.

Sarge, he's taking over our saloon.

I know, and we can't say anything about it.

Why not?

If he fined us $2 for loitering,

can you imagine what he'd hit us with

if he found out a soldier owned that saloon?

But, sarge, what are we gonna do?

We'd better talk this over with Captain Parmenter.

I can't believe it.

He's changed the name of the town to Parkersville?

And he's taken over every store too.

What, Wrangler Jane's? And the saloon, sir.

All have signs that say, "Under New Management."

Is there anything we can do about this man, sir?

Now, let me think a minute.

Will you stop that hammering out there?

I could write a letter to Washington.

Agarn, will you go out and tell those clowns

to stop hammering?

Right, sarge.

On the other hand, he hasn't broken any laws.

True, but he'd made himself the sheriff,

town judge and territorial justice.

He has? Yes, sir.

Captain, sarge, come here. Take a look.

Oh, now, just a minute, Mr. Parker.

You may have bought the town, but you didn't buy our fort.

I'm afraid you're mistaken, captain.

See, according to my deed,

the land under this fort also belongs to me.

And I'm giving you just exactly

one week to move out.

We're gonna be the first troop in the U.S. Army

to be evicted from a fort.

Hold it. Hold it!

Quiet! You heard the sarge.

We've gotta do something about this Jim Parker

and we've got to do it fast.

Why don't we just let them come and get us, O'Rourke,

like we did at the Alamo?

There we were, me and Davy,

shoulder to shoulder and backs to the wall.

Duffy, would you forget about it? We lost that one too.

Hey, sarge, I got an idea.

Why don't we have Agarn serenade him

with that saxophone of his?

That'd drive anybody out of town.

You're asking for it, Dobbs!

Say, sarge, I've got an idea.

What is it, Vandy?

Why don't we write a nasty note to the Apaches

and sign Parker's name?

I like that, Vandy.

No, that's no good.

They'd burn down the whole town.

We've gotta come up with something better... Oh.

Wait a minute.

You got an idea, sarge?

We'll have our own Indians capture Parker.

Our own Indians?

Yeah, have a couple of Indians kidnap him,

hold him for ransom.

His life for the fort. Make a deal.

Oh, I like that, sarge.

Where are we gonna get the Indians to do it, sarge?

Right here in F Troop.

Yeah, well, Parker is in there all right.

What about Agarn and Dobbs?

They said they'd signal me

as soon as they sneaked in behind the building.

Dobbs, let's start climbing up on the roof.

Wait a minute, Agarn.

We're supposed to signal O'Rourke that we're here.

That's right.

Whippoorwill. Whippoorwill.

Hey, I didn't know you could do bird imitations.

That's pretty good.

Get a load of this one.

Bobolink. Bobolink.

Can you guess what that one was?

Robin redbreast?

I'm warning you, Dobbs.

Now, I'm gonna go in there and keep Parker occupied.

You wait here, Duffy.

Howdy, sheriff.

Evening, O'Rourke.

Well, what can I do for you?

Oh, nothing. I just wanna drop by

and apologize for this afternoon.

Ah, well, there's no need to apologize.

Well, there's no sense in not being friendly.

Feel around for a loose board, Dobbs.

There should be plenty of them in this old roof.

O'Rourke, I don't expect to make too many friends in this town.

This budget's in a terrible mess,

I've got a lot of work to do.

So if you don't mind.

Okay. All right, if that's the way you want it.

Did you hear something, O'Rourke?

Uh, yeah, well, all these old buildings

got a lot of mice in the basement.

Oh.

Well, this building doesn't have a basement.

But the mice don't know that.

Here's a couple of loose boards, Dobbs. Good.

Now, when I lift them up, we drop down on Parker.

Get it? Got it.

O'Rourke, I told you I've got a lot of work to do.

So if you don't mind, huh?

All right. I'll see you later, Big Jim, huh?

And I thought this was gonna be a slow night.

Sergeant, that is the most shocking thing

I have ever heard.

That you, a sergeant in the United States Cavalry,

could come up with a plan that is absolutely against

all military regulations.

That is completely illegal, and that violates everything

that F Troop stands for.

And the worst part about it is,

it didn't work.

Yes, sir. Well, I thought I'd take Duffy tonight

and we'd try to engineer a jailbreak.

No, no, no. I don't wanna involve the Army.

Oh, no, no. I intended for us to be dressed as Indians, sir.

Ooh, good. Yeah.

But I don't think Duffy should go.

Oh? Why not, sir?

His old wound at the Alamo has sort of slowed him down.

I think you'll need a more agile partner.

Yes, yes, I suppose.

Who do you have in mind, sir?

Me.

Oh, that's wonderful, sir.

Yes, sir.

Thank you. It's all right.

I thought being in an Indian suit

would make me walk a little lighter.

We'd better wait here until I give the signal to Duffy.

Good idea.

There's O'Rourke's signal. Come on.

There you are, you thieving redskins.

Sheriff, what kind of slopum you serveum?

Oh, I thought you might like a little home cooking.

So I fixed you up some rattlesnake stew.

All right, now, cut that out.

Hey, Agarn,

this stuff don't smell no worse than the mess hall.

You're right, Dobbs.

Hey, Dobbs, this is delicious.

Hey, you know something, Agarn,

this is the best chow we've had in months.

All right, Vanderbilt,

if that's what you want, we'll shoot it out.

That's sounds like Duffy.

What does he mean, "shoot it out?"

Hello, what's going on here?

We're having a shootout.

Well, I thought it was gonna be a nice quiet night.

Aren't you gonna arrest us?

What for?

As long as you keep moving around,

you ain't loitering, are you?

What's going on, boss?

Hm? Not a thing. Not a thing, Smitty.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Dobbs, Indians!

Not Indians, it's us.

Sarge, Captain Parmenter.

We've come to rescue you.

Could you wait until after dinner?

This rattlesnake stew is delicious.

Agarn. Wanna bite, captain?

No, thanks. I just ate.

All right, out the window, quick, captain.

Captain, are you all right, sir?

Yes, yes, I'll be all right.

Oh, fine, sir.

Thought you could outsmart Big Jim, did you?

You know, that's funny.

You're a lot bigger than I thought you were, and you...

You're a lot smaller.

I guess I'll just have to change my brand of whiskey.

Nobody is ever gonna believe this.

I don't believe it.

But we had to do something, chief,

or Big Jim is gonna take over the fort.

Same thing happen to us.

You mean Big Jim is taking over your land too?

He say if we not move by end of week,

whole tribe under new management.

Looks like we all in the same canoe.

I got a little plan, chief.

Here's the building. Huh?

Here's the cell.

Here's where Big Jim sits.

Agarn, you forget. I've been an Indian

a lot longer than you have.

The chief's right, Agarn.

We ain't been doing too good in these outfits.

Let's let them take a crack at it.

Everybody always wants to play Indian.

Tomorrow night, Crazy Cat and I go to town

and rescue Sergeant O'Rourke and paleface captain.

Is there anything I can do, chief?

Yes, you a part of my plan.

Is there anything I can do, chief?

Pray a lot. That's what I'm gonna be doing.

Big Chief Sheriff?

Yeah? What is it?

Uh, you haveum seconds on rattlesnake stew?

What do you think I'm running? A restaurant?

Good evening, Big Jim.

What's so good about it?

Well, it's a beautiful balmy night.

The stars are out, full moon.

I don't know what you had in mind, Agarn,

but I can't leave the office.

Well, I just thought you had a young lady

that you might like to go courting with.

I still can't leave the office.

I'd be glad to sit in for you.

Agarn, a good sheriff

never turns his prisoners over to anybody.

Oh, of course, Big Jim,

we all know that you're a great little sheriff.

Well... What are you doing, Agarn?

Well, I happen to know Indian sign language

and I was just telling those redskins

that there's no chance for them to escape.

Oh.

I caught them finger-talking behind your back.

Ah, I wouldn't worry about that, Agarn.

They tried to escape last night,

and they better not try it again.

Yes, they learned their lesson.

I'm sure they won't. Yeah.

All right, sheriff, reach for the sky.

Nobody make false move, nobody get hurt.

Now, don't you worry about us, chief.

We know how savage your tribe is,

so we wanna cooperate and do anything you want.

First thing we'll do is let your buddies out of the cell.

We wanna be friendly. The keys, the keys.

Ah.

Hope you boys had a nice stay.

If you have suggestions about improving our jail,

you just drop it the box.

You do have a suggestion box, don't you?

We'll have one tomorrow.

Now, sheriff, you come with us.

Where are you taking us, chief?

We not taking you, just him.

You come back to the fort,

tell Captain Parmenter that we not give up sheriff

till he give back land and big ransom money.

Go on, Agarn.

Tell the captain to give them the money.

I'll give it back to him.

I don't think the captain would do that,

with your evicting the troop from the fort.

I'll give him the deed to the land. Go, Agarn.

A very smart idea, Big Jim.

All right, sheriff, move on out.

All right.

All right, into the cell, you thieving redskins.

Come on.

Sheriff, I hear you make a nice little rattlesnake stew here.

Get in.

Agarn, you should never have let Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat

try to rescue us.

How was I to know? After all, Wild Eagle is a chief.

Yeah, but to a chief, is he a chief?

It's funny how the Hekawis

have never really gotten the hang of being Indians.

The first thing we've got to do is get them out of jail.

After all, it's our fault they're in there.

Men. Oh, yes, sir.

Captain, sir. At ease.

Any word from territorial headquarters?

No, but in my wire to them,

I made it clear that they have to get the land back

for the fort or this territory will be without protection.

Yes, sir. At the moment, we're faced with the problem

of getting Wild Eagle and Crazy out of jail.

I know that. We certainly owe it to them.

Has anybody come up with any suggestions?

I'm surprised that the Hekawis

haven't come to try and rescue their chief.

It'll be two weeks before they even miss him.

They're not the most sentimental tribe I ever met.

Oh, Wilton, something terrible is happening.

What is it, Jane? Big Jim Parker is about to hang

Chief Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat.

Are you sure he's trying to hang them?

He has a scaffold built with a trap door

and hanging down are two 6-foot pieces of rope with nooses.

Now, that's what I call a hanging.

Really, sheriff, me think you making big mistake.

We not really mean it last night.

Just having fun. Hekawis always playing around.

That's right.

You new around here. Ask anyone.

We the fun-loving tribe.

Oh. Things have changed, haven't they? Hm?

Last night, you were a couple of brave braves,

and today you're just a couple of cowards.

Nothing changed.

Last night, we cowards.

We cowards today.

Tomorrow, we cowards.

You name it, we cowards.

I demand you release them until they've had a fair trial.

Captain is right. Me know law.

Must allow one smoke signal to lawyer.

What everybody seems to be forgetting is

that I am the law here in Parkersville.

I'm warning you, Mr. Parker, you're going too far.

I'd be glad to discuss it with you, captain,

after the hanging.

Discuss it now while it's still fresh in your mind.

Get up there on the scaffold.

Captain, you can't let him do that to our two friends.

Wilton, do something.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

I'll place Parker under house arrest in the fort

and take the consequences.

Captain, I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

I have an idea. Uh, sheriff?

Yes, what is it, O'Rourke?

It's customary in this territory

to give everyone a military funeral.

If you don't mind,

we'd like to have our bugler play "Taps."

For two Indians?

That does seem a little out of the ordinary but...

Well, go ahead if it's gonna make you happy.

Me, it won't make happy.

Just a minute, sarge.

I am the band leader.

I'll go get my sax and come back and blow "Taps."

Shut up, will you?

Dobbs, hit your high note, will you?

Come on.

Here.

Good work, Dobbs.

Well, thank you, sir.

And you're the new leader of the band.

Oh, sarge.

Well, congratulations, captain.

It was clever of you to get Washington

to appropriate the land around the fort for national defense.

Ah, thank you, sergeant.

And I also got the Indian Affairs office

to return the land to the Hekawis.

Where's Big Jim Parker now, sir?

He's on his way to Washington.

It'll take him six months to try to get back his holdings.

Oh, if I may suggest, sir,

we ought to continue with the Founders' Day celebration.

Good idea. Sergeant, I want you to assemble the men.

Dobbs, you get our marching band together.

Right, captain.

Yes, sir.

I've organized my own band, captain.

Ready, Stanley. Ready, Livingstone.

Hit it!

Oh, sarge.