Original subtitles

Hey, Wild Eagle, what's this thing?

Even the Apaches don't have bows and arrows like that.

I thought you always told us

the Hekawis were lovers and not fighters.

This not for fighting.

New invention for hunting buffalo.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Whatever happened to just jumping on a horse

and riding out to the herd?

Two things wrong with that:

One, Hekawis afraid of buffalo.

Two, Hekawis afraid of horses.

Does this thing really work?

We're giving it first test today.

Been on tribal drawing board for months.

Ready to load, chief.

Load arrow.

Uh, what are you aiming it?

Scouts say buffalo herd that way,

grazing near river.

Arrow all loaded, chief.

Stand by for buffalo shot.

10, nine, eight...

You better fire that thing or the herd will move.

Fire one.

Well, back to the old drawing board.

Yeah. Well, never mind about that, chief.

We came up here to make a deal with you on your souvenir rings.

Why you not say so?

We pushing turquoise this month.

Two north, three south,

two west.

You catch a wagon train with big spenders?

No, these are not for tourists. These are for wedding rings.

Wedding rings?

We've gone into business with a matchmaker over Dodge City

who says that she can provide a bride

for every man in F Troop who wants one.

This one good for wedding ring.

Have band set with valuable jewels.

Jewels?

It looks like glass to me.

Not glass. Genuine turquoise, 24 carats.

If that's 24 carats, then I'm a rabbit.

Never mind about that.

Chief, get to work, make us more of those rings.

And we'll be back tomorrow.

We gotta go meet that stage.

The matchmaker is due in this afternoon.

Right, sarge, So long, Wild Eagle.

So long.

Wanna make another buffalo shot, chief?

This time not aim at tepees.

This time, me do it.

Right, chief.

Wonder where that one is going, chief.

Stage is late again, sarge.

Whoever said that marriages were made in heaven was wrong.

We're making 'em right here in Fort Courage.

Hey, sarge, has that matchmaking lady arrived yet?

No, but she ought to be along any minute now.

I'm telling you right now, O'Rourke.

You're not getting my $25

till I see what my bride-to-be looks like.

Are you trying to say you don't trust our taste in women?

No. We're trying to say we don't trust your taste in anything.

I'm warning you, Dobbs... Now, wait a minute.

The lady said she's bringing photographs of all these girls.

Good. The last time you were in the matchmaking business

you tried to match me up with a lady

and I found we had only one thing in common.

Yeah, what was that?

We both admired Benjamin Franklin.

Only, she used to date him.

Now, hold it, Dobbs.

I'm telling you, sarge, she was old enough to be my mother.

The one you matched me up with was her mother.

Wait a minute, I told you I'm gonna show pictures

so you won't be buying a pig in a poke.

That was the second girl he matched me up with.

I'm warning you, Dobbs.

Get lost, the both of you.

Wilton, be careful.

You could have broken my jar of my pickles.

Don't worry, Jane. Everything's fine.

Oh, I forgot the napkins.

I'll just be a minute.

Good afternoon, men.

You're meeting the afternoon stage from Dodge?

That's right, sir, yes.

And who's arriving?

A matchmaker.

You... You did say a matchmaker, didn't you?

Oh, yes. Miss Samantha Oglesby, sir.

She's known around here as Marrying Sam.

Her motto is the same as the Mounted Police:

she always gets her man.

Certainly, I have no objection to the men getting married.

But sometimes a thing like this could get out of hand,

and the first thing you know

every unmarried girl in Fort Courage

breaks out with the marriage fever.

Don't you worry about a thing, sir.

I'm sure that we can keep Wrangler Jane

from catching this dreaded disease.

You can trust us, sir.

Thank you.

Hi, fellas.

Who are you waiting for?

The matchmaker.

Matchmaker?

Uh, it's a Swedish fella, yeah.

It's Ollie Swenson, makes matches.

Yes, that's right, Jane,

with these little pieces of wood and phosphorus.

I'll explain all about it

on the way out to the picnic grounds.

Ah. Ha, ha.

Oh, my.

There we are. Oh, dear.

Well, now, you must be Miss Ogelsby.

Yes, you must be Sergeant O'Rourke.

Yes, ma'am. And I'm Corporal Agarn.

How do you do?

Here's your money, Miss Oglesby,

and I sure do wanna thank you, ma'am.

Not at all, Slim.

I wanna wish you both a lot of happiness.

Thanks again. Giddyup there, come on.

Oh, dear, just another grateful client.

On the ride over from Dodge, you know,

I matched him up with a lovely mule skinner from Cheyenne.

Yes, well, you matchmakers certainly do keep busy, huh?

We never sleep.

Now, I'll get right to the point, O'Rourke.

Here are prospective brides I thought it'd be just right

for those you mentioned in your letter, Dobbs and Duffy.

Ah, good. They're anxious to tie the knot.

Sarge. What?

These girls are beautiful!

Now, the dark-haired one is from New Orleans.

She was queen of the Cotton Carnival.

She's driving me out of my cotton-picking mind.

Whoops. Yours is the blond.

Oh.

She's lovely too.

Of course, I could always see your wife

when we come over to your house for dinner.

Glad to have you anytime...

What am I talking about?

These girls are for Dobbs and Duffy.

You would take this girl away from me

and give her to a man who was dating

Ben Franklin's old sweetheart?

You're right, they're too good for Dobbs and Duffy.

Well, you fellows make up your minds.

I'm going in the saloon.

Yeah, well, you won't find any single men in there.

I'm only looking for one man: the bartender.

"Sally Jean Tyler."

"Shauna Kelly."

An Irish lass if ever I saw one.

Oh, sarge, I am in love.

So am I, Agarn, so am I.

You know, sarge,

I never thought I'd wanna get married

until I saw Sally Jean.

Ah, well, sooner or later,

we were both gonna make the jump.

I tell you one thing. We could never find ourselves

two prettier girls than these.

It'd be nice to hear the patter of little feet around the house.

We're gonna have a dog over at our house too.

Sarge, I'm talking about raising a family.

Oh, I was only kidding you, Agarn.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to raising a family myself.

Sarge, we ought to buy our houses right next to each other.

I'd kinda like you for a neighbor.

And I think I'd like you for a neighbor too, Agarn.

Oh, it's... It's gonna be great.

You and me, buddies.

Shauna and Sally, buddies.

Just one big happy family.

Just... Just gonna be great.

All you ever do every Sunday

is sit around here drinking beer

and looking at those stereopticon slides.

What? These happen to be slides of a new game

invented by a fellow named Doubleday called baseball!

Who cares?!

I care!

So if you'll just shut up,

I'd like to watch the rest of the game.

Well, I just invented a game,

and it's called Fix the Pump!

How do you play that?

With a wrench!

All right! A man can't sit down to relax

after a hard week at the fort!

Ha! The only one who's had

a hard week at the fort has been your horse.

Let him look at the slides.

He hates baseball.

Loves horseshoes, hates baseball.

Fix the pump!

You know I'm not very good at mechanical things.

I know that and you know that,

but Marrying Sam didn't know that.

She didn't know about your bathrobe either, huh?

Well, I wouldn't be wearing this bathrobe

if I didn't have such a cheap husband.

Look at that furniture.

Ain't nothing wrong with that furniture.

It's antique, early American.

What do you mean antique?

We are early Americans.

All right, all right, I'll fix the pump.

What's the matter with it?!

The water doesn't come out.

Something seems to be stuck up there.

Well, the pump is fixed.

You did that on purpose, you beast!

I'm sorry it spoiled your hairdo!

Hi, neighbor.

Every time you say, "Hi, neighbor,"

you wanna borrow something. What is it this time?

A cup of sugar. I'm baking a cake.

Baking a cake? Yeah.

Well, that's woman's work.

You ought to be here with me watching the ball game.

I know that, Agarn, but I promised the little woman

I'd help her around the house today, that's all.

Why, you poor, henpecked soul.

A man's home is his castle,

and in his castle, a man is king.

Look, I didn't come over here for a cup of philosophy.

I come over for a cup of sugar.

Now what do you wanna borrow, O'Rourke?

A cup of sugar.

He's gonna bake a cake.

Isn't that a riot? Ha, ha!

I'm not laughing.

Where's your sense of humor?

I lost it the day I carried you over the threshold.

All I want is a cup of sugar.

You keep out of this, O'Rourke.

Yeah, you keep out of this.

He's baking cakes and you can't even fix the pump,

you lazy clod!

Who's a clod?! You are!

When is the last time you baked a cake?!

Don't tell me how to run a house!

Ah, I know how you feel, Sally.

I lived with him for nine years.

Nine years together, O'Rourke,

and you never baked me a cake.

Sally, Sally, stop. Sally. Sally, someone could get hurt.

Agarn, wake up, wake up, wake up.

Someone could get hurt. Sally, Sally...

Some neighbor. What?

Not only aren't you gonna get a cup of sugar,

but I never want you to set foot

in my house as long as you live.

What?

Wait, Agarn, I wanna talk to you.

Barney, did you hear a voice?

Agarn.

Why, if it isn't my neighbor, the cake baker,

who's trying to break up my marriage.

Come on, have you gone off your rocker or something?

Look, O'Rourke,

I saw exactly what it's gonna be like

living next door to you.

What, in a dream?

My dreams always come true.

Well, let me tell you something, if I was married

I can assure you, I wouldn't do anything

to come between you and your wife. Ha!

Even Barney's laughing at that one.

But if it'll make you feel any better,

I've decided not to get married.

You have? That's right.

I mean, I'd rather be a bachelor all my life

than let anything break up our friendship.

Sarge, you really mean that?

I sure do.

Now, Barney, that's not funny. Sometimes, you go too far.

And besides, I don't know anything

about baking cakes either.

I don't blame you, sarge.

Those two dames would just push us around. Come on.

Wait! Where are we going?

I'm gonna stick that big mouth Dobbs with Sally.

And don't say a word about the robe she wears.

Wait a minute,

we're not gonna stick anybody with these girls.

I've been thinking it over

and I've decided that horse soldiers shouldn't be married.

I mean, wives could break up F Troop just like that.

Sarge, you're all cavalry.

Yeah.

Why aren't you marrying those two girls?

Well, I don't wanna be pushed around by a wife

who wears torn moccasins and a beat-up old robe.

How can you say that about Sally?

She still got the beat-up robe

but she bought herself a new pair of moccasins.

Yeah, well, now, it's nothing against the girls, Miss Oglesby.

But we just think that for the good of everybody,

we oughta call this whole matchmaking thing off.

All right with me.

Picked up a new client this afternoon.

One of the fellows in town?

No. One of the girls in town. Wrangler Jane.

Wrangler Jane?!

That's the one. Gonna get that little gal married

to Captain Parmenter by sundown.

Here's to you.

Jane has hired the matchmaker?

Yes, sir, and that Marrying Sam says

she'll have you married by sundown.

If I may say so, sir,

I suggest you leave immediately on an Indian scouting mission.

Where do you think I should go, sergeant?

Sir, may I suggest scouting the Aztecs in Mexico?

Oh, really, corporal. The Incas in Peru?

Agarn!

Sir, it doesn't matter where you go.

Just get on your horse and get out of town.

Right, sergeant. Yeah. Come on.

Wait a minute,

I don't know why I should let this woman scare me out of town.

I mean, if I'm not ready to get married,

nothing she says is going to make me change my mind.

Ha! That's just what the major at Fort Bravo said.

And now he's honeymooning

with the bearded lady from the circus.

I hope my horse is saddled.

Yeah.

Hold it, sir. What's the matter?

Here she comes.

What do I do now?

Go hide. We'll try to stall her, sir.

Right, sergeant.

Hey, well, if you're looking for the captain,

he just went out on a secret mission.

I tell you, he's not in his office...

Where did he go?

Around the side of the building. He's safe.

Ah, good.

All right, where's Captain Parmenter?

It's like I told you, he went on a mission, ma'am, yes.

Yeah, with a two-week supply of food

and an English-Aztec dictionary.

I don't believe it.

I think that little coward is hiding someplace in the fort.

Now what would he be hiding from, ma'am?

Well, it's the same trouble I had

with that major at Fort Bravo.

Well, who'd want a bride with a dowry

of a shaving mug and a straight razor?

Wait a minute now, Ms. Oglesby,

- you can't go in there. - You really...

He was in there. I heard him jump through the window.

No, that wasn't the captain,

somebody threw a rock through the window. What?

Every afternoon after chow, the men throw rocks.

That's right. I throw rocks,

he throws rocks. Here.

There's the mess hall.

Oh, really.

Aah!

Now, wait a... Agarn, it's all right.

Now, believe me, Miss Oglesby,

the captain has gone on a secret mission.

I won't believe that

until I have turned this fort upside down.

But our fort is upside down.

Then I'll turn it inside out.

Miss Oglesby, you are wasting your time.

I tell you that the captain has gone to...

Uh, uh... Well...

I mean, after all, if you insist, yes, do be our guest.

Just look around. Aha! The guardhouse!

He'd never expect me to look for him there.

Wilton?

Wilton?

Wilton.

Wilton, what happened?

Ugh. Uh, well, Jane,

there was something wrong with this chandelier

and I was trying to fix it.

Aha! There you are, Captain Parmenter.

I should have known you'd be hiding in the chandelier.

That's where I found that major at Fort Bravo.

Ms. Oglesby, I'd like to have a word with Wilton.

The only word I want you to have with Wilton is "I do."

You leave everything to me.

No, Miss Oglesby,

I want to have a word with Wilton first.

Listen, Agarn, it's almost 4:00.

Isn't that time for the beer-drinking contest?

You're right, sarge. Good.

Wait for me!

Now, Jane, I know what you're going to say.

No, Wilton. I just want to apologize

for sending Miss Oglesby after you.

I realize you're not the marrying kind.

And no matchmaker in the world is ever gonna change you.

No, it isn't that I'm not the marrying kind, Jane...

What is it?

Well, the Parmenter men make terrible husbands.

Well, you don't have to worry about that.

All men make terrible husbands.

But Parmenters are different.

You see, we're all military men.

Being officers is our whole life.

And we just can't turn it off at the end of a day.

You'd never believe how bad it would be

being married to me.

I can see it all now.

There you are, setting the table for dinner,

as I'm coming home from the fort.

Attention!

Oh.

Wilton, you startled me.

I don't know why.

You know we have inspection every night at 6.

I keep forgetting. I'll expect you to clean that up

and, naturally, you'll pay for the dishes.

But I haven't finished paying for the spinning wheel I broke.

That's tough, Jane. You're in the Army.

Either shape up or ship out.

Yes, Wilton.

Jane, your bustle is wrinkled.

There's a reason for that, Wilton.

I know. You've been sitting around on your bustle all day.

But, Wilton...

We don't talk back to commanding officers.

Yes, Wilton.

Aha!

You call this clean?

I'm sorry, Wilton. I'm too short to reach up there.

If you were following my exercise instructions,

by now you could stretch this high.

I'm sorry, Wilton, but I've had this pain in my back.

I didn't see you at sick call this morning.

That's because I was trying to finish this dress

so we could go to the dance tonight.

There will be no dance.

You're confined to quarters.

But, Wilton, you promised me I could go to the dance.

Absolutely not. With your wrinkled bustle,

we'd be the laughingstock of the Officers' Club.

But, Wilton... You're still at attention.

Jane, stop that crying.

Did you hear me, Jane? I said stop that crying.

Jane, stop crying, and that is an order.

Oh, please, Jane, don't cry.

I'm sorry, Wilton.

Actually, I'm glad you told me this,

because now I'd never want to marry you.

You wouldn't? No.

Because I know you wouldn't change

and I love you too much to ever want to change you.

Jane.

Yes, Wilton?

Well, actually, the Parmenter men

aren't really as bad as all that.

They aren't? No, no.

My grandfather only inspected my grandmother once a week.

Really?

And my father never used a white glove.

He just sort of ran his finger around the room.

What are you trying to say, Wilton?

Well, what I'm trying to say, Jane,

is that I think we ought to set a date.

A date?

Yes. I think three months from now should be about right.

Oh, Wilton, I can't believe it.

We're going to be married in three months.

Yeah. No, no, no,

that's when we're going to get engaged.

Why can't we get engaged today?

Well, because the Parmenter men

believe in long courtships, long engagements,

and very long marriages.

I'm sorry, chief, but we won't be needing those wedding rings.

What happened?

Well, we just decided

that marriage is bad for horse soldiers.

Ain't exactly a million laughs for Indians either.

Sergeant O'Rourke. Captain Parmenter.

What are you doing here?

I'd like to buy a ring.

Boy, did you come to the right place.

I like this one.

Ah. All right, here. Here you are, chief.

Oh.

You want change?

Yes, he does.

Captain, you bought Janey a wedding ring.

Yeah. No. No, no.

We're working up to that right now.

I'm just buying her a friendship ring.

Your right hand, Jane.

Oh, well, don't you worry, Janey,

just seven more fingers to go and you'll be married.

Now, sarge, that is the sweetest thing I have ever seen.