Original subtitles

Pass the pie around.

Men.

Men.

Men.

All right, hold it. Hold it.

All quiet, shh.

You heard what he said.

Quiet.

We are gathered here tonight

to honor Trooper Duffy,

on the 30th anniversary

of his being wounded at the Alamo.

That's why we're here, captain?

I hope you throw a party for me next week, sir.

It's my second anniversary

of getting hoof-and-mouth disease.

I think it's a very nice thing

for Captain Parmenter here, to have this party for Duffy

and I think it's time now

that he'd like to say a few words.

There I was at the Alamo,

shoulder to shoulder and backs to the wall...

Not you, Duffy.

The captain.

Thank you, sergeant.

But really, all I wanted to say

was good luck to Trooper Duffy

from all of us here in F Troop.

All right, Private Vanderbilt,

bring on the cake.

My cake.

Macintosh, help him out of here.

Okay, that's right. There.

Well...

lucky for Vanderbilt, it was a sponge cake.

Oh, but seriously, men,

we're not going to let this

spoil our good time, are we?

Yeah, well, certainly not, sir,

but I think that right now

a little entertainment would be in order.

I think what the men would enjoy most

is to hear you play "Camptown Races"

on your spoons.

Oh, would you really?

Oh, yeah, captain.

Well, I... I just happen to have

my spoons with me.

And, uh... you never know when,

someone might offer you a bowl of soup.

Well, here goes. Ahem.

One, two, three, four.

Doo-da, doo-da.

Attention.

Ooh.

I am Colonel Adams of territorial headquarters.

I'd like to speak to you for a moment, captain.

Of course, sir. Uh, carry on, men.

Carry on.

I never saw that colonel before.

He must have just arrived from Washington.

I've seen him someplace before,

but I just can't remember where.

I'll tell you straight out, captain.

Headquarters has discovered

that Army rifles are being sold to the Apaches.

Well, I'll be darned.

And our observations have led us to believe

that the renegade is a soldier in F Troop.

I can't believe it.

Well, you'd better believe it, captain.

One of those men in there is a traitor.

Oh, now, I'll do everything I can to cooperate

in this investigation,

but I can assure you that my men are innocent.

I'm telling you, Parmenter,

if you wanna keep those captain's bars

you'd better change your tune.

Well... I can also play,

"Way Down Upon the Swanee River."

Uh, you sent for us, sir?

Uh, yes, men.

We have some serious business to attend to.

Well, what's that, sir?

Colonel Adams, who came in last night,

tells me that headquarters feels

one of the men in F Troop

is selling Army rifles to the Apaches.

Oh, sir, that's impossible.

Well, I can't believe that.

I couldn't believe it either,

but this morning, I took inventory

and I found 20 rifles missing.

Now, that is shocking.

You can't just blame it on carelessness.

After all, a good soldier

always knows where his gun is.

Mm.

That's 20 missing rifles and one pistol.

Sir, maybe your pistol is in your other pants.

No, no, corporal, no, no.

Whoever did this has gone too far.

Now, the three of us have to be

on the alert at all times.

From now on, every man in F Troop

is under suspicion.

Ooh-oh.

Yaaah!

You know, Dobbs, I still say

that Colonel Adams looks familiar.

I know I've seen him somewhere before.

Never mind that, Dobbs.

Give me a hand with this barrel.

Where are we taking this stuff?

To the town dump.

Come in.

Did you men find out anything?

Ah, no, sir, we didn't, sir.

Well, I'm afraid it's like looking

for a needle in a haystack.

Oh, I wish you hadn't said that, sir.

A thing like this is bad for morale.

Why, all morning I've been down in the dumps.

I wish you hadn't said that, sir.

But frankly, if one of the men

on F Troop was guilty

I thought he'd be as easy to find

as, well, falling off a log.

I wish you hadn't said that, sergeant.

We've been watching every man like a hawk, sir.

There is one trooper

who may be so clever that he's fooled us all.

A clever trooper?

Yes.

A man who may have more intelligence

than we think, simply because of the dumb look

he has on his face.

Oh, now, captain, I can swear to you

it's not Corporal Agarn.

No, no, that's not the man I was referring to.

Who has a dumb look on his face?

I was referring to Private Vanderbilt.

How can Vanderbilt

be out selling guns to the Indians?

He can't even find the fort gate.

Ah, but do we really know that, sergeant?

Has it ever occurred to either of you

that he may be just faking his bad eyesight?

But he sure fooled me when he fell

into Duffy's cake last night.

That's what I mean about being clever.

Now, we're going to test

to see if Vanderbilt

is really faking his bad eyesight.

That's why I've got all the, the chicken wire,

and the barrels and all that stuff out there.

Oh, well, that's very clever, sir. Yes.

Yeah, that's why I sent the rest of the troop out.

Now... Oh.

I'm going to call Vanderbilt

to come over to my office,

and we'll observe from this window

whether or not he bumps into any of those obstacles.

Vanderbilt,

I'd like to see you in my office.

Look at that, he hasn't bumped into a thing.

Now, that's the first time in three years

he hasn't fallen over the flag rail.

The first time in four years

he hasn't tripped over those cannonballs.

Oh, sarge, our Vandy... A traitor.

Look.

Our Vandy did it.

Well...

Vanderbilt is clean, in more ways than one.

What a relief to know that dumb look

is only hiding a dumb brain.

Men, we'll just have

to keep searching for the renegade.

Ah, yes, sir. Come on, Agarn.

I wonder if it could be... Dobbs.

Oh, now, really, corporal.

Well, he could be blowing signals

on that bugle.

He sure ain't blowing nothing

that sounds like reveille.

Come on.

Oh, hi, Janey.

Hi, O'Rourke, Agarn.

Janey... how would you describe me

to a stranger?

Why, I'd say that sweet, darling corporal.

Hm.

With the dumb look on his face.

You had to ask.

I haven't seen much of you, Wilton.

You're a sight for sore eyes.

Now you're going to have sore lips

to go with those eyes, heh-heh.

Well, you've got to admit

that we haven't seen much of each other lately.

That's because I've been very busy, Jane,

on a top-secret assignment.

Oh, what's it all about?

I just told you, Jane, it's top-secret.

Oh, Wilton, nothing is top-secret with us.

You can tell me.

I can't, Jane. My lips are sealed.

Well, as long as they're sealed.

Ooh.

Colonel Adams.

This... Uh, this is Wrangler Jane,

she runs the local post office.

Runs it or plays it?

Well, I'd better be getting back.

The afternoon mail will be in.

Uh, nice meeting you, colonel.

See you later, Captain Parmenter.

She runs the local post office?

No, she plays it.

No, I mean, right, she runs the local post office

and the general store.

How well do you know that young lady?

Well, we're sort of pals.

How do you know your pal isn't the one

who's running guns to the Apaches?

Who, Jane?

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Uh, she runs the local post office,

she must have access to communications

from headquarters.

Must know when gun shipments are coming in.

Right, captain? Well...

Maybe being linked romantically

with the captain of the fort puts her above suspicion,

right, captain? Well, yes...

Do you remember Samson and Delilah, captain?

Well, it's true, Jane's given me a haircut

a few times but I never lost my strength.

Captain.

Captain Parmenter,

What makes you think this girl

isn't using you as a cover-up?

Well, for one thing, she does an awful lot

of kissing for a gunrunner, and then she...

I just told you, Jane, it's top-secret.

Oh, Wilton, nothing is top-secret with us.

You can tell me.

And that's when she kissed me.

I beg your pardon.

Tonight, sir,

I will thoroughly investigate Wrangler Jane.

But are you going to find out

if she's got any Army rifles?

Rely on me, colonel,

if she's got them, they'll be hidden

in her room above her store.

Excuse me, I have to make arrangements.

Right, captain.

I tell you, sarge,

I've seen that colonel somewhere before.

Yeah, sure, Duffy, sure.

We know all about it. We'll talk to you later.

Men. Oh.

Men, I wonder if I could get you

to do me a favor?

Why, certainly, sir.

After it gets dark tonight,

bring a buckboard over behind my office

and make sure you have a ladder in it.

A ladder, sir?

Yes, one long enough to reach

Wrangler Jane's window above her store. Shh.

Ah, yes, sir.

Sarge, where we gonna find a ladder that tall?

Well, there's one right over there.

Sarge, how do you like that?

He's going to elope.

Fellows, is that colonel still with Wilton?

Ah, yeah, well, I think so.

Well, I've just gotta talk to him.

He's been acting so strange lately.

Oh, I don't think you've got anything

to worry about, Janey.

Not when he ordered us

to get him a ladder tonight,

tall enough to reach your window.

Oh. Ha, ha.

Oh... Yeah.

Did you bring the rice?

Right here, sarge.

Ah, good. That's good.

Sarge, if he don't get that ladder up soon

he'll be carrying down

a little gray-haired old lady.

Don't bother carrying me, Wilton.

I'll climb down myself.

Here, let's get this.

Oh... Janey,

you make a beautiful-looking bride.

Oh, thank you.

Where's the captain?

Wilton? Wilton?

Oh... gentlemen, I am...

I am very happy to announce

that Jane is not the one

who has been selling guns to the Indians.

Selling guns to the Indians?

Oh, sarge...

I think we've made a terrible mistake.

Oh, I get it.

You thought that I was coming

to get you to elope.

Well, I don't sleep

in a wedding dress every night.

Yeah, well, Janey, a lot of girls do.

Now, Janey, look at it this way.

Everybody rehearses weddings.

Now, you're the first girl in America

who's ever rehearsed an elopement.

I know it was embarrassing, Jane,

but it was embarrassing for me too.

Well, the least you could've done, Wilton Parmenter,

was taken me over to the justice of the peace,

as long as I was dressed.

Jane, we Parmenters do not elope.

We have very formal military weddings.

Good, I'll go get my dress.

No, no, Jane, please.

I have a lot of military problems on my mind.

Still trying to find out

who's selling guns to the Indians?

How did you know that? It was top-secret.

Some knucklehead in a captain's uniform,

climbed a ladder,

and searched my place last night.

That's how I found out.

Oh, well, I forgot.

Heh, well, you have a very short memory, Wilton.

Wait a minute.

Jane, what are you doing tonight?

Nothing, just sitting around in my wedding dress,

waiting for that knucklehead to come back.

Really, Jane, I'd like you to do me a favor.

What's that?

Drop me off at the Hekawi Camp.

I have a feeling

those Indians might know something.

They certainly aren't going to tell

the commander of Fort Courage if they did.

Hm-mm.

Well, I'm not going up there

as a cavalry captain.

Me go see redskin brother

dressed like redskin brother.

How.

In an Indian suit, with feathers.

Oh, Wilton.

Hey, Wild Eagle, what's going on?

Tonight, Hekawi tribe

having annual big affair.

This one biggest affair of the year.

We call it Harvest Moon Dance.

Look, we didn't come up here to discuss dancing.

We heard that there's some Indians

trying to buy cavalry rifles.

You accusing your friends, Hekawis,

of buying rifles?

Only tribe that ever live up

to paleface treaty.

Only tribe in territory you can trust.

How much you want for the guns?

I knew we were wasting our time up here.

Craze, see if you can get some information for us.

Keep your ear to the ground.

Last time he did that,

got stepped on by a buffalo.

Hyah.

All right, Tommy Tomtom,

let's hear from you.

Stop the music.

Now we have dance contest.

Choose partners.

And a-one, and a-two.

Stop the music.

Me can tell him not full-blooded Hekawi.

Him too good a dancer.

I thought he was... just fair.

Who was just fair? I mean...

Me get heap big applause.

Captain Parmenter!

Look, chief, one of my men has been selling guns

to the Apaches,

and I came up here to find out who it is.

Believe me, captain,

I not know anything about guns.

Well, I guess I'd better be

getting back to the fort.

Thanks anyway, chief, heh-heh.

If soldiers see you dressed like Indian,

may shoot you.

Oh, no. No, no.

If I get back before 10:00,

Private Vanderbilt will still be on guard duty.

Nine o'clock and all is well.

You fool, I told you

I'd meet you at Wild Horse Canyon.

Huh?

I've got the buckboard loaded with rifles.

The whole plan could have blown up because of you.

Uh... Me sorry. Me forget plan.

I should have known you weren't smart enough

to follow instructions.

No wonder you gave away Manhattan Island for $20.

Twenty-four.

Who cares?

You have all guns in buckboard?

I've got them all but one.

I've got that bumbling Captain Parmenter's pistol here.

Me not believe you have captain's pistol.

Oh, you don't believe?

Well, what do you think this is?

Hm.

Very... nice... pistol. Hm.

Now, Colonel Adams,

this is bumbling Captain Parmenter

telling you to stick 'em up.

What if I don't, Parmenter?

I'll shoot you.

Hm. With an empty pistol?

You've bumbled again, captain.

Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt!

What is it, Agarn?

Don't let that man out of the gate.

What did you say, Agarn?

Good work, Vanderbilt.

You've stopped this impostor from getting away.

Vanderbilt?

V-Vanderbilt?

What's going on, sarge?

I don't know,

but that looks like an Indian.

An Indian.

Sarge, this Injun killed the colonel and Vandy.

What? No, no, no. Me no, me no In...

See what you can do for the colonel and Vandy

and I'll go get Captain Parmenter.

O'Rourke. Later, Janey.

But I'm worried about Wilton.

I got worries of my own.

He went up to the Hekawi camp

disguised as an Indian

and should have been back by now.

I'm sure he's fine. Fine.

You said he went up to the Hekawi camp

disguised as an Indian?

That's right.

Vandy, Vandy.

Agarn.

Forget the colonel and Vandy

and help me with this Indian.

Ah, here we go.

Up, up, up, up.

I'm really sorry about last night, sir,

but we thought you were an Indian.

You were only doing your duty as a good soldier, sergeant.

Well, I'm glad we cleared up the mystery of the guns.

I knew it couldn't be any man in F Troop.

I felt the same way, corporal.

Jane I wasn't so sure about.

Agarn.

Well, right about now that imitation colonel

should be on his way to prison

for at least 10 years.

Captain. Captain Parmenter.

What is it, Duffy?

I just remembered

where I saw that Colonel Adams.

Well, where? At the Alamo.

You mean to tell me, he soldiered with you

at the Alamo?

No, he was selling guns to Santa Ana.

Now, he tells us.