All language subtitles for F Troop S02E25 Only One Russian Is Coming. Only One Russian Is Coming.DVDRip.NonHI.cc.en.WB.EN

I wanna thank you for arranging

this three-day pass for me.

Ah, forget it, buddy.
You deserve it.

Yeah, I guess
you're right, sarge.

The life of a horse
soldier is pretty tough.

Drilling the men, keeping
the horses and the tack clean.

Then there's
always the dusty trail.

What dusty trail are
you talking about?

You spend most of your
time sleeping in your bunk.

Yeah, I know that, but when I
sleep, I keep my windows open,

and a lot of dust
from the trail comes in.

I'm glad I caught you before
the stage arrived, Agarn.

What's up, Dobbs?

Well, I got a couple
things I'd like you

to bring back for
me from Dodge City.

Are you kidding? He's not going
to Dodge to do your shopping.

He's got a three-day
pass to relax and unwind.

From what?

The dusty trail.

Thanks, sarge.

Well, Agarn, if you'd
close your window...

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

Agarn, while you're in Dodge,

will you pick me up
a couple of things?

Duffy...

he's not doing any
shopping for you.

He's going there to
relax from the dusty trail.

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

My buddies at the Alamo
used to shop for me.

I remember when Davy
Crockett had a three-day pass.

Forget it, Duffy.

Corporal Agarn, would
you bring me back

a few things from Dodge City?

I am not Corporal Agarn,
that's Corporal Agarn,

and he's not gonna
bring you back anything.

But my watch is ready.

Vandy, you don't need a watch.

You can't see the time
on a grandfather clock.

Now, forget it, men.

He's not gonna do any
shopping for anybody,

and that's an order.

Thanks a lot, anytime you...

How do you like that?

Sarge, the way you
look after me is...

just the sweetest
thing in the whole world.

Well, what's a buddy for?

Now, here...
few things that I...

want you to bring back for me.

That figures.

This is for O'Rourke
Enterprises.

We need some new
beer mugs for the saloon,

some new pipe
for the whiskey still.

I'll take care of everything.

At least, I don't
let anybody else

take advantage of you, huh?

You know, I never
looked at it that way.

Corporal Agarn.
Oh, captain, sir.

I'm glad I got to say
goodbye to you before you left.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now, I want you to just
have fun in Dodge City.

And forget all about F
Troop for the next three days.

The bigger the rank...

the bigger they are in here.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Corporal, would
you mind picking up

a few things for me
while you're in Dodge?

It would be his
great pleasure, sir.

I could have said that!

Whoa, ho.

Well, have a good time, buddy.

Thanks, sarge.

Don't lose your heart
to those dancehall girls.

No chance of that, captain,

unless they're dancing
in the general store.

There, there. Well, here we go.

All right, Slim.

Okay, sarge. Take it away.

Come on, giddyup, giddyup.

Wilton!

The Russians are coming,
the Russians are coming.

What are you talking about?

Well, read this.

Uh, Jane, only one
Russian is coming.

Headquarters says that
a Colonel Dmitri Agarnoff

of the Imperial Russian Cavalry
is coming to observe F Troop.

And we're to extend
him all courtesies.

Oh, yes, sir.

I bet he's one of
those Cossacks.

I understand they're
very dashing and romantic.

Jane, that's Russian propaganda.

Well, I've read that they're the
greatest horsemen in the world.

That is another legend.

You can bet me that the
lowliest private in the cavalry

is just as good a rider
as any Russian Cossack.

Captain, look.

Tovarisch, I am here!

Y-you must be Colonel Agarnoff.

No, no, captain, that's
pronounced Agarnoff.

I can't get over it. You look
exactly like Corporal Agarn.

He's my cousin. I came here
to pay him a surprise visit.

I'm afraid the
surprise is on you.

Your cousin left for Dodge City.

And who is this
charming young lady?

I'm Wrangler Jane.

What a charming name.

I said, your cousin
just left for Dodge City.

I heard you, captain.

I'm sure if you
get on your horse,

you can catch right
up with the stage.

I know you Cossacks
are great riders.

We are also great walkers.

Would you be so kind
as to show me around?

I'd be delighted, colonel.

But, colonel, he'll
be gone three days.

Captain, I assure
you that three days

will not matter to the czar.

The czarina, yes. She
absolutely adores me.

That Agarn has really
got some kind of a family.

First, we get a
cousin from Mexico

and then one from Canada
and now this one from Russia.

I can't wait to see
the next one to arrive.

I can't wait to
see this one leave.

Come in.

Sergeant, I was wondering if
you had seen Colonel Agarnoff.

Yes, sir, just riding into town.

In town again? Yes, sir.

I thought he was sent
to observe F Troop.

Well, I think he's a
little more interested

in observing Wrangler Jane, sir.

You know I have half
a mind to write a note

to Moscow and report him.

I don't think the
czar would like it.

Well, I don't think the czarina
would like it very much either.

After all, if I were
sent to Moscow

to observe the Imperial Cavalry,

I wouldn't spend all my
time with Wrangler Olga.

Maybe you ought to
explain to the colonel, sir,

that Wrangler
Jane is your fiancée.

Well, there's no point
explaining it to the colonel

when I've never really
explained it to Jane.

Oh, uh, he's riding
in right now, sir.

Oh, is the showoff
standing up in his saddle?

Sure, he's sitting
in his saddle.

Good.

And Wrangler Jane
is sitting in his lap.

She's sitting in...

Are you all right, sir?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Well, what a pleasant
surprise to see you.

Thank you, Wilton.

Not you, Jane. I
meant the colonel.

We haven't seen
much of him lately.

Jane and I have
been... very busy.

I'll bet.

Wait 'till you see
the riding trick

Dmitri taught me,
Wilton. Dmitri?

Yes, he likes to be called that.

Look, Dmitri... Colonel!

Colonel.

I thought you
might like to observe

our Indian
identification lecture.

Some other time, captain.

This afternoon I
promised to give Jane

some recipes for
genuine Russian dishes.

I'm just dying to learn
how to make borscht.

Borscht?

Yes, they eat it with
lots of sour cream.

Show them the
trick I taught you.

Remember what I've
taught you, bublichki.

Now, watch this, Wilton.

How do you like that, Wilton?

Oh, not bad, Jane.

Not bad? Ha! I hope
her borscht is that good.

Come, Dmitri. We can't
waste the whole day here.

But of course, bublichki.

Oh, look, there's no
use crowding yourselves

into one saddle.

Why don't you take your own
horse? I had him groomed.

You're very kind, captain.

This way, my dear, we
can both do my favorite trick.

Was nice.

Oh, that'll be fun, Dmitri.

If there's anything I
hate, it's two showoffs.

I'm kind of ashamed
that you've never

learned any trick riding.

Me?

I mean, the men of F Troop
would certainly be impressed.

Yeah, she certainly would.

Uh, Wild Eagle said

that he has a great trick
rider up at the tribe, sir.

Do you think he would teach me?

Just so I could show
off. I mean, for the men.

Oh, sure. You know Wild
Eagle he'd be glad to help out.

Smokey Bear
champion trick rider.

Him?

Bring out my horse and
teach captain some tricks.

No, really, chief, I
can use my own horse.

Nothing too good
for paleface captain.

Now, that's very
nice of you, chief.

That's your horse, chief?

Chief not good at
big horse any more.

Last time fell off.

Sprained ankle, twisted knee,

broke my feathers
and everything.

You know, captain, it
might not be a bad idea

to start small and
work your way up.

You might be right at that.

First, get on horse.

Wilton, what are you
doing on that little pony?

Maybe today is his birthday.
Who's taking his picture?

No, no, we're here
on a military mission.

Yeah, the Army is
thinking of crossbreeding

cavalry's horses
with these ponies.

So that wounded soldiers won't
have so far when they fall off.

And we won't have as many
casualties from troopers getting

knocked out of their saddles
by low-hanging branches.

Yeah, now, you just tell that
to your outfit when you go back.

They'd never believe it.

What are you
doing up here, Jane?

Well, Dmitri wanted
to see the Indian camp

before we left for Russia.

Jane, you're going to Russia?

Well, it looks that way,
Wilton. Dmitri has invited me.

He wants me to meet his family.

They live in Minsk,

which is just a ruble's
throw from Pinsk.

Well, in that case, I
hope the two of you

will be very happy.

Captain, you've
got the wrong horse.

Janey, I want to talk to you.

Later, O'Rourke. I'm
a little busy right now.

I'm cooking my first Russian
meal for Dmitri tonight.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

Let me tell you,
if you go to Minsk,

which is a stone's
throw from Pinsk,

you got rocks in your head.

Oh, really? Now,
let's see, borscht.

Six beets, one large onion...

Wait a minute, I know your game.

You're just trying to make
Captain Parmenter jealous.

Well, now, what makes you
think I'm not serious about Dmitri?

Because I know women.

Well, if you know women,

how come you're not married?

Because I know women.

You seem to forget, sergeant,

that Colonel Agarnoff comes from
a very important Russian family.

Why, they have a
summer home on the Volga

with their own boatman.

Oh, come on now, Janey.

You can't be serious
about this Dmitri guy.

Why not? I think
he's very dashing.

You think he's dashing

just because he's the
first guy you ever saw

who could dance sitting down.

If you'll excuse me, O'Rourke,

I've got to get some
meat for my Beef Agarnoff.

Beef Agarnoff?

Like his mother used to make.

Wait a minute, Janie.

Whoa. Hey, O'Rourke.

Your buddy Agarn's on the stage.

Oh.

Agarn, Agarn.

Sarge, here I am.

What are you doing back here?

Don't you remember, sarge?

You gave me a list of things
to buy for you in Dodge.

It was either me or them.

Well, come on,
we've got problems.

Sarge, before we do
anything, I got to see captain.

What about?

I wanna put in for a
furlough to recover

from that three-day pass.

Never mind that, do
you know who's in town?

Who?

Your cousin, Colonel
Dmitri Agarnoff.

Dmitri? Here?

I hope he brought his
mother's recipe for borscht.

Listen, my friend,

he brought trouble right
here to Fort Courage.

What trouble?

Well, he made a play for Jane.

Asked her to go
to Russia with him,

I think she's just foolish
enough she might do it.

Why, this would kill
poor Captain Parmenter.

That's the very problem. We've
got to do something about it.

How could Jane fall
for a Russian Cossack

who walks around all
day eating borscht, blintzes

and singing "Orchyachoria"?

Don't ask me, but...

I don't know why everybody
says you're so dumb.

Who says I'm dumb?

Oh, forget about that now.

Remember, you've got to
get your cousin out of here

so that you can keep his date
with Wrangler Jane tonight.

Don't worry, sarge.

I know the hot-blooded
Cossacks' weakness.

Oh, what's that?

Gypsies.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Come in.

Oh, uh, Colonel Agarnoff,
I have a surprise for you.

Aah!

Cousin Randolph.

Cousin Dmitri.

Cousin Randolph,
bublichki, let me look at you.

You look wonderful.

Ah, you look great
yourself, Dmitri,

Oh, your cousin
finally found out

the real reason that you
came to Fort Courage.

What do you mean?

Oh, come on, you can
level with us, Dmitri.

You knew all about
that gypsy camp.

Gypsies?

Sure.

As I was coming in on the stage,

I passed them near
Paradise Junction.

Ah, just about five
miles out of town.

Are these real woman
Russian gypsies?

Like from Minsk,
balalaikas, bells on their toes.

Beating each other over
the head with tambourines.

I tell you, Dmitri,
it's wild, wild!

Then why are we standing
here talking? Sergeant, my horse.

Right, colonel.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, what am I saying?

What's the matter, Dmitri?

I have a date with
Wrangler Jane.

She's bringing my
dinner here tonight.

Well, in that case,

you can just forget
about the gypsies.

If you think you're
gonna have more laughs,

sitting around with
Wrangler Jane,

holding her wool
while she knits,

and looking at stereopticon
slides of her horse.

Yeah, any man would
be a fool to give all that up

just for a camp full
of, uh, wild gypsies.

So call me a fool. I want to go.

Why don't we tell Jane
you're on a military mission?

I'm sure she'd understand.

Cousin Randolph,
you're wonderful.

Where did you say
this gypsy camp was?

You go out of town
about five miles.

You turn right and
there's a sign that says,

"This way to Paradise."

And, colonel, believe
me they ain't kidding.

Cousin Randolph,
you'll come with me, no?

Well, I can't make it now,

but I can sneak
out right after dinner.

Good, I'll see you then. Wait!

If I'm not there by
9:00, start without me.

You know, you were so convincing
I almost went with him myself.

I told you I knew the
Cossack weakness.

Put this on, Agarn.

Please, sergeant,
you will address me

by my correct name,
Colonel Dmitri Agarnoff.

Come in.

Excuse me, Wilton.

Oh, hello, Jane.

I hope I'm not interrupting you.

No, no, no.

As a matter of fact, I
was just reading this book.

It's called Mother Russia.

Oh?

Yes, she certainly
is a cold mother.

So I've heard.

Did you know that in Minsk

the temperature in
winter falls to 20 below?

Well, Dmitri assures me
that he'll keep me warm.

Oh.

What's that I smell,
a new perfume?

No, that's Beef Agarnoff.

Beef Agarnoff?

Yes, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Would you mind if I brought
Dmitri dinner in his quarters?

No, no, not at all.

Thank you, Wilton.
You do know, Jane.

Wouldn't you like to
glance through this book?

Some other time, Wilton.

I don't want the
Agarnoff to get cold

or the borscht to get hot.

Borscht.

And blintzes for dessert.

You've certainly come a long way

from the ham hocks you
cooked for me last week.

Yes, I certainly have.

Well, das vadanya.

"Das vadanya," what's that?

That's "goodbye" in Russian.

Good evening, Dmitri.

Oh, bublichki,
come in, my darling.

Here, let me help
you with the basket.

Jane, you must never
wear perfume like that.

It smells terrible.

That's not perfume,
that's Beef Agarnoff.

But it can't be.

If you follow the recipe,

Beef Agarnoff should
smell like perfume.

Really, Dmitri, I
think you'll like it.

Here, just taste it.

Mmm.

Just like my mother
used to make.

Oh, I'm so happy.
And then my father

used to throw it
right out the window.

Dmitri, what's gotten into you?

Did you make the borscht?

I can't smell it.

It's in the basket.

If you can't smell
borscht, it stinks.

Why don't you just try some?

Mm-hm.

With cooking like this,
you could go far in Russia.

All the way to Siberia.

Dmitri, I've never seen
you act this way before.

You've never
cooked for me before.

A Russian husband
travels on his stomach!

You can bet your life I'll
never cook for you again.

You've got one last
chance with the blintzes.

I don't want another chance.

I can tell by the
feel they're terrible.

You're the one who's terrible.

Lots of Russians are terrible.
I'm terrible, Ivan the Terrible.

I don't have to
put up with this.

And you who thought you
were going to be my wife.

Ha! Not for a million rubles.

Who thought I was
going to be your wife?

You did, you little flirt.

How can I think I was
gonna be your wife

when you're already married?

I am?

I am?

Sir, aren't you
being a little hasty

about applying
for this transfer?

No, I think it's time
that I moved on,

sergeant, I'm getting
a little restless.

Well, where are you
thinking of transferring to?

Fort Minsk. I mean, Fort Bravo.

Now, now, sir, really, if
you just think this over,

I'm sure you'll feel differently
about it in the morning.

Excuse me, captain.

Have you seen my cousin?

Oh, Sergeant O'Rourke.

Yes, if you'll come with me
I'm sure that we can find him.

Good, I forgot my
directions to the gypsy camp.

Wait a minute, colonel.

Aren't you having
dinner with Jane tonight?

Not while there's a
camp full of gypsies

beating each other over
the head with tambourines.

Yeah, colonel, why don't we...?

You, sir, are a cad, standing
up a nice girl like Jane.

I just hope she doesn't find
out you went off with gypsies.

Never mind Jane. I just
hope my wife doesn't find out.

You're married?

Leading that sweet girl
on. I take back what I said.

Sir, you're not a cad,
you are a blackguard.

What? Where are
your eyes, captain?

Couldn't you see that she was
using me to make you jealous?

Janey is not in love with
me. She's in love with you.

And you were helping Jane?

For a bowl of borscht,
I would do anything.

Colonel, I think we'd better
let the captain handle this.

Agarn, if you say anything
to Wilton about this

I'll turn you in for
impersonating an officer.

A Russian officer?

I'm sure that will go
twice as hard on you.

Janie, you're making a mistake,
you know Captain Parmenter.

If he thinks you're in
love with another man,

he'll do the decent thing
and step out of your life.

What's so decent about that?

Jane?

Come in.

Jane, I... Excuse me, I
didn't know you were busy.

Jane, why are you
kissing Corporal Agarn?

Wilton Parmenter.

I just left the
colonel in my office.

Humina, humina, humina.

What are you doing
in that outfit, corporal?

Just a little joke,
sir. Little joke.

I'm afraid the
joke's on me, Wilton.

Agarn was only trying to help.

He didn't want me to
go to Russia with Dmitri.

That's very nice
of you, corporal.

If you'll excuse us, I would
like to have a word with Jane.

Yes, sir.

I just had a talk with
Colonel Agarnoff,

and he told me
what's been going on.

Please, Wilton, I don't
wanna talk about it,

I feel foolish enough already.

No, no, no, I wouldn't
say you were foolish, Jane.

I mean, after all
there's nothing wrong

in trying to get a man
to show his feelings.

Especially if it's a man like me

who has trouble
showing his feelings.

Oh, Wilton, if only just once,

you'd show me
that you're jealous.

Did you really think I was
going to let you go off to Minsk,

which is just a ruble's
throw from Pinsk?

You mean, you weren't
really going to let me go?

Oh-ho. As a matter of
fact, I was gonna show you

that anything that Russian
could do, I could do.

Do you really mean that, Wilton?

What do you think
I've been practicing

for the last three days?

Hey.

Mmm. Help yourself, corporal.

The blintzes are
really marvelous.

Oh, thank you, captain.

You know, captain,
this is one thing

we gotta thank my
cousin Dmitri for.

Right, as a matter of fact,

I've ordered the mess
hall to have borscht

with a boiled potato
every Friday night.

Oh. Good evening, sir. Sergeant.

Sarge, have you
seen my cousin Dmitri?

Yes, I just saw him riding north
down towards Paradise Valley.

Paradise Valley?

Well, you won't
believe this, sir,

but there really is a
gypsy camp down there.

Corporal, where are you going?

I've got Russian
blood in me too, sir.