Original subtitles

I wanna thank you for arranging

this three-day pass for me.

Ah, forget it, buddy. You deserve it.

Yeah, I guess you're right, sarge.

The life of a horse soldier is pretty tough.

Drilling the men, keeping the horses and the tack clean.

Then there's always the dusty trail.

What dusty trail are you talking about?

You spend most of your time sleeping in your bunk.

Yeah, I know that, but when I sleep, I keep my windows open,

and a lot of dust from the trail comes in.

I'm glad I caught you before the stage arrived, Agarn.

What's up, Dobbs?

Well, I got a couple things I'd like you

to bring back for me from Dodge City.

Are you kidding? He's not going to Dodge to do your shopping.

He's got a three-day pass to relax and unwind.

From what?

The dusty trail.

Thanks, sarge.

Well, Agarn, if you'd close your window...

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

Agarn, while you're in Dodge,

will you pick me up a couple of things?

Duffy...

he's not doing any shopping for you.

He's going there to relax from the dusty trail.

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

My buddies at the Alamo used to shop for me.

I remember when Davy Crockett had a three-day pass.

Forget it, Duffy.

Corporal Agarn, would you bring me back

a few things from Dodge City?

I am not Corporal Agarn, that's Corporal Agarn,

and he's not gonna bring you back anything.

But my watch is ready.

Vandy, you don't need a watch.

You can't see the time on a grandfather clock.

Now, forget it, men.

He's not gonna do any shopping for anybody,

and that's an order.

Thanks a lot, anytime you...

How do you like that?

Sarge, the way you look after me is...

just the sweetest thing in the whole world.

Well, what's a buddy for?

Now, here... few things that I...

want you to bring back for me.

That figures.

This is for O'Rourke Enterprises.

We need some new beer mugs for the saloon,

some new pipe for the whiskey still.

I'll take care of everything.

At least, I don't let anybody else

take advantage of you, huh?

You know, I never looked at it that way.

Corporal Agarn. Oh, captain, sir.

I'm glad I got to say goodbye to you before you left.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now, I want you to just have fun in Dodge City.

And forget all about F Troop for the next three days.

The bigger the rank...

the bigger they are in here.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Corporal, would you mind picking up

a few things for me while you're in Dodge?

It would be his great pleasure, sir.

I could have said that!

Whoa, ho.

Well, have a good time, buddy.

Thanks, sarge.

Don't lose your heart to those dancehall girls.

No chance of that, captain,

unless they're dancing in the general store.

There, there. Well, here we go.

All right, Slim.

Okay, sarge. Take it away.

Come on, giddyup, giddyup.

Wilton!

The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming.

What are you talking about?

Well, read this.

Uh, Jane, only one Russian is coming.

Headquarters says that a Colonel Dmitri Agarnoff

of the Imperial Russian Cavalry is coming to observe F Troop.

And we're to extend him all courtesies.

Oh, yes, sir.

I bet he's one of those Cossacks.

I understand they're very dashing and romantic.

Jane, that's Russian propaganda.

Well, I've read that they're the greatest horsemen in the world.

That is another legend.

You can bet me that the lowliest private in the cavalry

is just as good a rider as any Russian Cossack.

Captain, look.

Tovarisch, I am here!

Y-you must be Colonel Agarnoff.

No, no, captain, that's pronounced Agarnoff.

I can't get over it. You look exactly like Corporal Agarn.

He's my cousin. I came here to pay him a surprise visit.

I'm afraid the surprise is on you.

Your cousin left for Dodge City.

And who is this charming young lady?

I'm Wrangler Jane.

What a charming name.

I said, your cousin just left for Dodge City.

I heard you, captain.

I'm sure if you get on your horse,

you can catch right up with the stage.

I know you Cossacks are great riders.

We are also great walkers.

Would you be so kind as to show me around?

I'd be delighted, colonel.

But, colonel, he'll be gone three days.

Captain, I assure you that three days

will not matter to the czar.

The czarina, yes. She absolutely adores me.

That Agarn has really got some kind of a family.

First, we get a cousin from Mexico

and then one from Canada and now this one from Russia.

I can't wait to see the next one to arrive.

I can't wait to see this one leave.

Come in.

Sergeant, I was wondering if you had seen Colonel Agarnoff.

Yes, sir, just riding into town.

In town again? Yes, sir.

I thought he was sent to observe F Troop.

Well, I think he's a little more interested

in observing Wrangler Jane, sir.

You know I have half a mind to write a note

to Moscow and report him.

I don't think the czar would like it.

Well, I don't think the czarina would like it very much either.

After all, if I were sent to Moscow

to observe the Imperial Cavalry,

I wouldn't spend all my time with Wrangler Olga.

Maybe you ought to explain to the colonel, sir,

that Wrangler Jane is your fiancée.

Well, there's no point explaining it to the colonel

when I've never really explained it to Jane.

Oh, uh, he's riding in right now, sir.

Oh, is the showoff standing up in his saddle?

Sure, he's sitting in his saddle.

Good.

And Wrangler Jane is sitting in his lap.

She's sitting in...

Are you all right, sir?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Well, what a pleasant surprise to see you.

Thank you, Wilton.

Not you, Jane. I meant the colonel.

We haven't seen much of him lately.

Jane and I have been... very busy.

I'll bet.

Wait 'till you see the riding trick

Dmitri taught me, Wilton. Dmitri?

Yes, he likes to be called that.

Look, Dmitri... Colonel!

Colonel.

I thought you might like to observe

our Indian identification lecture.

Some other time, captain.

This afternoon I promised to give Jane

some recipes for genuine Russian dishes.

I'm just dying to learn how to make borscht.

Borscht?

Yes, they eat it with lots of sour cream.

Show them the trick I taught you.

Remember what I've taught you, bublichki.

Now, watch this, Wilton.

How do you like that, Wilton?

Oh, not bad, Jane.

Not bad? Ha! I hope her borscht is that good.

Come, Dmitri. We can't waste the whole day here.

But of course, bublichki.

Oh, look, there's no use crowding yourselves

into one saddle.

Why don't you take your own horse? I had him groomed.

You're very kind, captain.

This way, my dear, we can both do my favorite trick.

Was nice.

Oh, that'll be fun, Dmitri.

If there's anything I hate, it's two showoffs.

I'm kind of ashamed that you've never

learned any trick riding.

Me?

I mean, the men of F Troop would certainly be impressed.

Yeah, she certainly would.

Uh, Wild Eagle said

that he has a great trick rider up at the tribe, sir.

Do you think he would teach me?

Just so I could show off. I mean, for the men.

Oh, sure. You know Wild Eagle he'd be glad to help out.

Smokey Bear champion trick rider.

Him?

Bring out my horse and teach captain some tricks.

No, really, chief, I can use my own horse.

Nothing too good for paleface captain.

Now, that's very nice of you, chief.

That's your horse, chief?

Chief not good at big horse any more.

Last time fell off.

Sprained ankle, twisted knee,

broke my feathers and everything.

You know, captain, it might not be a bad idea

to start small and work your way up.

You might be right at that.

First, get on horse.

Wilton, what are you doing on that little pony?

Maybe today is his birthday. Who's taking his picture?

No, no, we're here on a military mission.

Yeah, the Army is thinking of crossbreeding

cavalry's horses with these ponies.

So that wounded soldiers won't have so far when they fall off.

And we won't have as many casualties from troopers getting

knocked out of their saddles by low-hanging branches.

Yeah, now, you just tell that to your outfit when you go back.

They'd never believe it.

What are you doing up here, Jane?

Well, Dmitri wanted to see the Indian camp

before we left for Russia.

Jane, you're going to Russia?

Well, it looks that way, Wilton. Dmitri has invited me.

He wants me to meet his family.

They live in Minsk,

which is just a ruble's throw from Pinsk.

Well, in that case, I hope the two of you

will be very happy.

Captain, you've got the wrong horse.

Janey, I want to talk to you.

Later, O'Rourke. I'm a little busy right now.

I'm cooking my first Russian meal for Dmitri tonight.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

Let me tell you, if you go to Minsk,

which is a stone's throw from Pinsk,

you got rocks in your head.

Oh, really? Now, let's see, borscht.

Six beets, one large onion...

Wait a minute, I know your game.

You're just trying to make Captain Parmenter jealous.

Well, now, what makes you think I'm not serious about Dmitri?

Because I know women.

Well, if you know women,

how come you're not married?

Because I know women.

You seem to forget, sergeant,

that Colonel Agarnoff comes from a very important Russian family.

Why, they have a summer home on the Volga

with their own boatman.

Oh, come on now, Janey.

You can't be serious about this Dmitri guy.

Why not? I think he's very dashing.

You think he's dashing

just because he's the first guy you ever saw

who could dance sitting down.

If you'll excuse me, O'Rourke,

I've got to get some meat for my Beef Agarnoff.

Beef Agarnoff?

Like his mother used to make.

Wait a minute, Janie.

Whoa. Hey, O'Rourke.

Your buddy Agarn's on the stage.

Oh.

Agarn, Agarn.

Sarge, here I am.

What are you doing back here?

Don't you remember, sarge?

You gave me a list of things to buy for you in Dodge.

It was either me or them.

Well, come on, we've got problems.

Sarge, before we do anything, I got to see captain.

What about?

I wanna put in for a furlough to recover

from that three-day pass.

Never mind that, do you know who's in town?

Who?

Your cousin, Colonel Dmitri Agarnoff.

Dmitri? Here?

I hope he brought his mother's recipe for borscht.

Listen, my friend,

he brought trouble right here to Fort Courage.

What trouble?

Well, he made a play for Jane.

Asked her to go to Russia with him,

I think she's just foolish enough she might do it.

Why, this would kill poor Captain Parmenter.

That's the very problem. We've got to do something about it.

How could Jane fall for a Russian Cossack

who walks around all day eating borscht, blintzes

and singing "Orchyachoria"?

Don't ask me, but...

I don't know why everybody says you're so dumb.

Who says I'm dumb?

Oh, forget about that now.

Remember, you've got to get your cousin out of here

so that you can keep his date with Wrangler Jane tonight.

Don't worry, sarge.

I know the hot-blooded Cossacks' weakness.

Oh, what's that?

Gypsies.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Come in.

Oh, uh, Colonel Agarnoff, I have a surprise for you.

Aah!

Cousin Randolph.

Cousin Dmitri.

Cousin Randolph, bublichki, let me look at you.

You look wonderful.

Ah, you look great yourself, Dmitri,

Oh, your cousin finally found out

the real reason that you came to Fort Courage.

What do you mean?

Oh, come on, you can level with us, Dmitri.

You knew all about that gypsy camp.

Gypsies?

Sure.

As I was coming in on the stage,

I passed them near Paradise Junction.

Ah, just about five miles out of town.

Are these real woman Russian gypsies?

Like from Minsk, balalaikas, bells on their toes.

Beating each other over the head with tambourines.

I tell you, Dmitri, it's wild, wild!

Then why are we standing here talking? Sergeant, my horse.

Right, colonel.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, what am I saying?

What's the matter, Dmitri?

I have a date with Wrangler Jane.

She's bringing my dinner here tonight.

Well, in that case,

you can just forget about the gypsies.

If you think you're gonna have more laughs,

sitting around with Wrangler Jane,

holding her wool while she knits,

and looking at stereopticon slides of her horse.

Yeah, any man would be a fool to give all that up

just for a camp full of, uh, wild gypsies.

So call me a fool. I want to go.

Why don't we tell Jane you're on a military mission?

I'm sure she'd understand.

Cousin Randolph, you're wonderful.

Where did you say this gypsy camp was?

You go out of town about five miles.

You turn right and there's a sign that says,

"This way to Paradise."

And, colonel, believe me they ain't kidding.

Cousin Randolph, you'll come with me, no?

Well, I can't make it now,

but I can sneak out right after dinner.

Good, I'll see you then. Wait!

If I'm not there by 9:00, start without me.

You know, you were so convincing I almost went with him myself.

I told you I knew the Cossack weakness.

Put this on, Agarn.

Please, sergeant, you will address me

by my correct name, Colonel Dmitri Agarnoff.

Come in.

Excuse me, Wilton.

Oh, hello, Jane.

I hope I'm not interrupting you.

No, no, no.

As a matter of fact, I was just reading this book.

It's called Mother Russia.

Oh?

Yes, she certainly is a cold mother.

So I've heard.

Did you know that in Minsk

the temperature in winter falls to 20 below?

Well, Dmitri assures me that he'll keep me warm.

Oh.

What's that I smell, a new perfume?

No, that's Beef Agarnoff.

Beef Agarnoff?

Yes, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Would you mind if I brought Dmitri dinner in his quarters?

No, no, not at all.

Thank you, Wilton. You do know, Jane.

Wouldn't you like to glance through this book?

Some other time, Wilton.

I don't want the Agarnoff to get cold

or the borscht to get hot.

Borscht.

And blintzes for dessert.

You've certainly come a long way

from the ham hocks you cooked for me last week.

Yes, I certainly have.

Well, das vadanya.

"Das vadanya," what's that?

That's "goodbye" in Russian.

Good evening, Dmitri.

Oh, bublichki, come in, my darling.

Here, let me help you with the basket.

Jane, you must never wear perfume like that.

It smells terrible.

That's not perfume, that's Beef Agarnoff.

But it can't be.

If you follow the recipe,

Beef Agarnoff should smell like perfume.

Really, Dmitri, I think you'll like it.

Here, just taste it.

Mmm.

Just like my mother used to make.

Oh, I'm so happy. And then my father

used to throw it right out the window.

Dmitri, what's gotten into you?

Did you make the borscht?

I can't smell it.

It's in the basket.

If you can't smell borscht, it stinks.

Why don't you just try some?

Mm-hm.

With cooking like this, you could go far in Russia.

All the way to Siberia.

Dmitri, I've never seen you act this way before.

You've never cooked for me before.

A Russian husband travels on his stomach!

You can bet your life I'll never cook for you again.

You've got one last chance with the blintzes.

I don't want another chance.

I can tell by the feel they're terrible.

You're the one who's terrible.

Lots of Russians are terrible. I'm terrible, Ivan the Terrible.

I don't have to put up with this.

And you who thought you were going to be my wife.

Ha! Not for a million rubles.

Who thought I was going to be your wife?

You did, you little flirt.

How can I think I was gonna be your wife

when you're already married?

I am?

I am?

Sir, aren't you being a little hasty

about applying for this transfer?

No, I think it's time that I moved on,

sergeant, I'm getting a little restless.

Well, where are you thinking of transferring to?

Fort Minsk. I mean, Fort Bravo.

Now, now, sir, really, if you just think this over,

I'm sure you'll feel differently about it in the morning.

Excuse me, captain.

Have you seen my cousin?

Oh, Sergeant O'Rourke.

Yes, if you'll come with me I'm sure that we can find him.

Good, I forgot my directions to the gypsy camp.

Wait a minute, colonel.

Aren't you having dinner with Jane tonight?

Not while there's a camp full of gypsies

beating each other over the head with tambourines.

Yeah, colonel, why don't we...?

You, sir, are a cad, standing up a nice girl like Jane.

I just hope she doesn't find out you went off with gypsies.

Never mind Jane. I just hope my wife doesn't find out.

You're married?

Leading that sweet girl on. I take back what I said.

Sir, you're not a cad, you are a blackguard.

What? Where are your eyes, captain?

Couldn't you see that she was using me to make you jealous?

Janey is not in love with me. She's in love with you.

And you were helping Jane?

For a bowl of borscht, I would do anything.

Colonel, I think we'd better let the captain handle this.

Agarn, if you say anything to Wilton about this

I'll turn you in for impersonating an officer.

A Russian officer?

I'm sure that will go twice as hard on you.

Janie, you're making a mistake, you know Captain Parmenter.

If he thinks you're in love with another man,

he'll do the decent thing and step out of your life.

What's so decent about that?

Jane?

Come in.

Jane, I... Excuse me, I didn't know you were busy.

Jane, why are you kissing Corporal Agarn?

Wilton Parmenter.

I just left the colonel in my office.

Humina, humina, humina.

What are you doing in that outfit, corporal?

Just a little joke, sir. Little joke.

I'm afraid the joke's on me, Wilton.

Agarn was only trying to help.

He didn't want me to go to Russia with Dmitri.

That's very nice of you, corporal.

If you'll excuse us, I would like to have a word with Jane.

Yes, sir.

I just had a talk with Colonel Agarnoff,

and he told me what's been going on.

Please, Wilton, I don't wanna talk about it,

I feel foolish enough already.

No, no, no, I wouldn't say you were foolish, Jane.

I mean, after all there's nothing wrong

in trying to get a man to show his feelings.

Especially if it's a man like me

who has trouble showing his feelings.

Oh, Wilton, if only just once,

you'd show me that you're jealous.

Did you really think I was going to let you go off to Minsk,

which is just a ruble's throw from Pinsk?

You mean, you weren't really going to let me go?

Oh-ho. As a matter of fact, I was gonna show you

that anything that Russian could do, I could do.

Do you really mean that, Wilton?

What do you think I've been practicing

for the last three days?

Hey.

Mmm. Help yourself, corporal.

The blintzes are really marvelous.

Oh, thank you, captain.

You know, captain, this is one thing

we gotta thank my cousin Dmitri for.

Right, as a matter of fact,

I've ordered the mess hall to have borscht

with a boiled potato every Friday night.

Oh. Good evening, sir. Sergeant.

Sarge, have you seen my cousin Dmitri?

Yes, I just saw him riding north down towards Paradise Valley.

Paradise Valley?

Well, you won't believe this, sir,

but there really is a gypsy camp down there.

Corporal, where are you going?

I've got Russian blood in me too, sir.