Original subtitles

Agarn, this was one of the best weeks the saloon ever had.

That proves what happens when you have responsible management

and a town full of heavy drinkers.

Ah, here we are.

There's your share, and here's my share.

Ah, here. We'll deposit this in the bank, all right?

Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm walking proud.

Bank robbery. Bank robbery. Bank...

Bank robbery, bank robbery. Bank robbery.

Where? Where? In the bank.

I made a break for it with my heart going

kaboom, kaboom, kaboom.

How many of 'em are there?

Just one. But a very nasty one.

Let's try to capture him.

I got a better idea.

Let's send a collect telegram to the territorial marshal.

Hurry up. And you stay out of sight. Come with me.

Reach.

And throw down your gun real easy-like.

Tell me we're not seeing what we're seeing.

I'm seeing it, but I don't believe it.

That Parmenter was Captain Crook.

That crook was Captain Parmenter.

Yeah...

I can't get over it.

Neither can I.

Our Captain Parmenter. A common, ordinary bank robber.

It seems impossible.

Maybe it was his twin brother.

He hasn't got one.

His twin sister. In disguise.

Well, in that case, I have only one other theory.

The man you and I saw coming out of that bank this morning

with a gun in his hand and a saddlebag full of money

who looked exactly like Captain Parmenter,

was in reality... Was in reality who?

Captain Parmenter.

I'm afraid you're right.

He must be sick.

We gotta do something to help him.

How about turning him in?

Come on.

Where we going?

We'll appeal to his sense of honor.

Maybe he'll turn himself in.

And bring disgrace to the whole United States Army

with dignity.

Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two.

No, it still doesn't check out... Dobbs?

Dobbs?

Never sneak up on me...

Give me that.

Come in.

Captain, sir, may we have a word with you in private?

Can you come back later, men?

I'm in the middle of reviewing F Troop's laundry list,

and I'm two pillowcases short.

But this is urgent. It is?

Yes, yes. Very well.

Dobbs, you go double-check the linen closet.

Yes, sir. Sarge, did you hear that bank was held up this morning?

Yes, I know about it.

The bandit more a mask. So nobody saw his face.

That's what you think.

Well, sergeant, what's on your mind?

Well, it's like this, sir.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Agarn, will you leave this to me?

Captain, sir, Corporal Agarn and I

happened to be in town this morning

and saw the man who robbed the bank without his mask.

You did? Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Describe him to me.

He was approximately your age and your height, your coloring.

With exactly your mouth

eyes, ears, nose and throat.

You mean that the man who robbed the bank resembles me?

Yes, you might say that, sir.

What do you know?

I look like a bank robber.

Sir, if you'll just sign a complete confession

and tell us where the money is.

Corporal, put down my laundry list.

I don't mind a joke, but until we recover

these two missing pillowcases

this is a classified military document.

Captain, may I speak frankly?

About the pillowcases?

No, sir. About the robbery.

Oh. Oh, have... Have you wired a description of the criminal

to the territorial marshal?

Uh, no, sir, not yet.

We had reason to feel that we ought not to do that.

Reasons such as?

Well, such as, uh...

Well, you see, nobody knows better

than Corporal Agarn and myself that the men in the Army

don't make much money.

I mean, that even includes officers.

For example... a captain?

Yeah. Some men might give in to the temptation

get a little extra cash by, you know,

some innocent bank robbing.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

Sergeant, a man in the Army owes it to his country

to be completely honest.

Now, honesty is the best policy.

And don't you men ever forget that.

We won't, sir.

But isn't that a little unusual coming from you?

What do you mean?

Well, sir, let's phrase it this way:

This morning, when the bank was being robbed,

where were you?

Right here in my office, writing a letter to my mother.

Do you have any witnesses?

Do I need a witness to write my mother?

You don't need a witness to write your mother.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me,

I would like to get back to my laundry list.

Yes, sir.

He must be suffering from emotional shock.

I know. He's just not the type to be a bank robber.

And my Aunt Sylvia wasn't the type to be an Indian scout.

But she was.

Speaking of Indians

we gotta go up the Hekawi camp and check on our whiskey supply.

You want us increase factory production on firewater?

That's right. We had a real big week

and the supplies are running dangerously low.

Glad to hear it.

You put firewater crew on overtime.

Why not transfer part of crew from basket-weaving?

Because soon be festive ceremonial egg hunt.

And chief not want to put all his eggs in one basket.

All right, everybody, reach for the sky.

Sarge, it's him.

I said reach.

Now, the first one who tries anything gets plugged.

You first. You chief.

So we meet again.

Him friend of yours?

Well, not exactly, no.

He used to be, but lately,

we don't approve of the way he's been behaving.

I'm a friend of nobody's.

I'm a ruthless outlaw

who'd just as soon kill a man as look at him.

Including redskins?

And anybody who tried to stop me from taking what I need.

And what I need now is a horse.

What happened to the horse you used when you robbed the bank?

I had to turn him loose.

He was all burnt out from my lightning-fast getaways.

Besides, I didn't trust him to see where I hid the money.

You want buy horse from Hekawis?

Cheap?

I don't wanna buy nothing.

I wanna steal that big pinto I saw on the edge of camp.

But that my horse.

Aw.

You. Go get him.

No have to. Chief call, horse come running.

Okay, chief, call.

Hey, horse.

All right, you two, saddle him up.

Hold him steady.

Did you notice his voice?

Yeah, he sounded just like Captain Parmenter.

Because that's who he is.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna get another look at him.

Uh, he's all ready. All ready, sir.

Thanks for the present, chief.

You're welcome. Ride it in good health.

You very big sport.

Him got very big gun.

There you are. Let me tell you something.

Ooh, sorry, I slipped.

You're lying.

You're a wise guy who's looking for a bellyful of lead.

What are you staring at?

I thought you were reviewing the laundry list.

Both wise guys.

But my doctor advised me to cut down on my killing

so I'm letting you live.

Joke on him.

What do you mean?

As soon as horse get chance,

he run away and come home.

Chief's horse love chief.

Chief's horse dumb animal.

Our Captain Parmenter.

First a bank robber and then a horse thief.

He's sicker than we thought.

But I've come to a conclusion.

So have I. He needs help and he needs it quick.

Yeah. Well, my conclusion is, he's got a double.

A double what?

A double. A guy that looks like him, walks like him,

talks like him, acts like him

but actually is a whole different person.

Well, I find that highly, highly, highly unlikely.

Yeah, well, so do I.

But it's the only conclusion I can come to.

Hi, fellers.

Hi, Wrangler. Sit down. Sit down, Wrangler.

That darn Wilton.

I asked him to go for a moonlight walk

and he turned me down.

He said he couldn't leave the fort

until he finds two pillowcases.

She thinks she's got trouble.

Give me a triple anything.

Howdy, gorgeous.

Wilton Parmenter, you fibbed to me.

You told me you couldn't leave the fort.

Baby, I don't know what you're talking about,

but I sure think you're powerful pretty.

Wilton, don't try to get out of it with flattery.

You fibbed to me. Where did you get that suit?

I stole it

from the finest tailor in Dodge City.

Stole it?

Janey, go sit down.

This man is not who you think he is.

Oh, so it's you again.

Friend, I suggest you go and sit down.

Can't you see the little lady is flirting with me?

You wouldn't be talking to him if you knew

what a polecat he really is.

You are mighty unsociable, friend.

You are so mighty unsociable,

I may have to put a hole through you.

Now, now. What do you say we just ease

the tension here with a little joke?

This is gonna kill you.

Figure of speech. Figure of speech.

There were these two Scotchmen, see?

And they both meet in the street.

And the first one says, "I say, there, Angus..."

Hoot, man, I did not dream it was that expensive.

Or I would never have come to...

Enough of this small talk, baby.

Here.

Keep this lit. Yes, sir.

You ain't my Wilton.

All right, Kid. You're under arrest.

Well, well, look who's here.

Sheriff Pat Lawton, the oldest gun in the West.

I'm not really old, Kid. I just look old.

From chasing you

from one rotten crime to another.

And now, at long last, I got you.

Sheriff, who is this man?

He's Kid Vicious.

The meanest, lowest outlaw that ever strapped on a gun.

He's wanted for murder and robbery

in eight different counties this year alone.

That means he ain't Captain Parmenter

because Captain Parmenter ain't had a furlough

in a year and a half.

He's Captain Parmenter's perfect double.

Are you gonna go with me easy, Kid?

Or are you gonna go with me hard?

Pat, old pal, I hate to disappoint you.

But ain't going with you at all.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Hey, come back here.

Which way did he go?

Can't you hear? He's going down that way.

Scully, Hightower, get on those horses.

Go after him.

All right, Dobbs, turn out the lamp and let's go.

Mission accomplished.

With recovery of these two pillowcases,

F Troop's laundry list now checks out.

Nice going, sir.

Thank you.

As of this moment, everything at Fort Courage

is in perfect military order.

Captain, it's downright amazing.

If Sergeant O'Rourke wasn't here to vouch for you

I'd place you under arrest

as Kid Vicious masquerading as an officer.

In that case, I'm glad Sergeant O'Rourke

is here to vouch for me.

How long have you been hunting him?

Nigh onto five years.

From territory to territory. From town to town.

Over hill, over dale, I have hit the dusty trail.

Was last night the closest you came to capturing him?

Nope. Once I cornered him in a wheat field in Kansas.

You did?

There he stood without his gun.

What happened?

Sudden rainstorm come up

and fogged my glasses. He gave me the slip.

Oh, that's too bad.

How did you know to look for him in our town?

He just run out of towns to hold up.

I guess being a sheriff is a pretty tough job.

Oh, I don't know, I don't mind.

You have a lot of prestige in the community

and you get to travel.

Man, do you get to travel.

Well, so long, sheriff.

If the men of F Troop can be of any assistance to you,

don't hesitate to call on us.

Much obliged, captain.

I think you'll find he's riding a pinto.

Captain, sir, I have vital information.

Oh?

I just came from the Hekawi camp.

Sergeant O'Rourke told me to tell them

to keep an eye peeled for Kid Vicious

in case he tries to hide out in one of their caves.

What's so vital about that?

Chief Wild Eagle told me

that the horse Kid Vicious stole from him came back alone.

When? Last night.

Captain, do you know what that means?

What?

Well, Kid Vicious has to go out and steal another horse.

Well, he couldn't have stolen the horse

from in front of the saloon because we were standing there.

That means he could still be here, on foot.

He's right. Captain, I'm gonna take you up on your offer.

Ask you to organize as many troopers

as you can spare for a search party.

Of course. I'll lead it myself.

Begging the captain's pardon.

But I think you'd better stay here. Why?

Well, somebody might mistake you

for Kid Vicious and kill you.

Oh. Oh, yeah, that's good cavalry thinking, sergeant.

In that case, you lead the search party.

Yes, sir. Be saddled and ready to go in 10 minutes.

All right, let's go, Agarn.

Dobbs, Duffy, Duddleson, Hightower, Scully.

Kid Vicious, huh?

All right, Kid.

Draw!

You all ready, sheriff?

Ready.

Forward, ho!

All right, captain, stick 'em up.

I'll bet you a dollar you're Kid Vicious.

You win.

The big sergeant said we were perfect doubles,

and he was right.

You may look like me and you may sound like me

but you certainly don't have my table manners.

Shut up. Take off that uniform. What for?

To avoid getting shot through the head.

Oh. On that basis, I agree.

All right, shoo your legs. Brush them down.

Clean out those hooves.

Water them down. Feed them. Take care of your leather.

Sheriff, we'll be right with you

as soon as they put our mounts away.

Come in.

Captain, sir, I'm sorry but we couldn't find him.

But I could.

Well, I'll be swaggled.

What happened, sir?

He came in to steal my midmorning snack

so I tied him up for Sheriff Lawton.

Are those ropes good and tight, sir?

Oh, yeah, corporal, they are.

You snake. You rotten robber.

You slimy outlaw.

You despicable... Corporal, excuse me,

but I've waited for this for so long.

How about giving me first crack at him?

Be my guest.

So, Kid, here we are.

The end of a long and weary road.

Five years of tracking you down

to make you pay your debt to society.

I don't know whether to take you back for trial

or to save the taxpayers' money and just hang you right here.

Sheriff, wait a minute.

Your only duty is to bring him in.

Sergeant, I guess you're right.

Here. I'll cover him while you untie him

and put on the handcuffs.

But leave the gag on.

He's been using a lot of improper language.

Then you can borrow one of our horses for him.

Get your hands behind you.

Thank you, captain, thank you.

This is the happiest day of my life.

My pleasure.

All right, Kid, let's get going.

Hey, hold it, sheriff.

Something wrong, sarge?

There's something about the way he tripped

that looks strangely familiar to me.

Come on, sergeant, you're wasting time.

Take off the gag.

I said leave the gag on.

And I'm your commanding officer.

Maybe you are and maybe you aren't.

Take the gag off.

He's Ki... Ooh!

He's Kid Vicious.

He forced me to switch clothes with him at gunpoint.

That's a lie.

It is not. You're Kid Vicious,

and I'm Captain Parmenter.

And I say you're Kid Vicious, and I'm Captain Parmenter.

Kind of a interesting problem, ain't it, sarge?

Yeah, but I think I know how to solve it.

You in the uniform.

What's Corporal Agarn's first name?

Yeah.

Irving.

His first name is Randolph.

You in the uniform again.

What is the name of our troop bugler?

Clyde.

Trooper Hannibal Dobbs. And my first name is Wilton.

And my girlfriend's name is Wrangler Jane.

Big deal.

Is there a chance you put the handcuffs on the wrong man?

All right, nobody move.

You, get over there with them.

Hi, Wilton.

I see you caught Kid Vicious. Jane, go away,

Oh, no. Jane, you stay right where you are.

All right, throw your guns into the kitchen.

Oh, yes, sir. Guns in the kitchen.

Now, this little lady is gonna help me make my getaway.

And if anybody tries to stop me,

she gets it.

Quick, your guns!

So long, baby.

Your boyfriend may not be too bright,

but he sure is good-looking.

All right, Kid Vicious. Just stay there now.

Sheriff Lawton, until you're ready to take him away,

you can lock him in our guard house.

So, Kid, here we are.

No, no, no, sheriff. Over there.

So, Kid, here we are.

The end of a long and weary road.

Five years of tracking you down

to make you pay your debt to society.

I don't know whether to take you in for...

Sheriff.

You already said that.

But not to him.

Wilton, I'm so proud of you.

You risked your life to save my life.

Well, I suppose that was part of it.

Also, I didn't want a civilian to get away with my uniform.

I never saw anything like it.

Wilton fell down, and the bullet hit the cannon

and the cannon hit the water tower

and the water hit Kid Vicious.

Parmenter?

Yes, Vicious?

Lucky shot.