Original subtitles

Doing the movie business?

Yeah, yeah.

What do you do?

I'm a producer.

No kidding.

Did you see The Godfather?

Sure. I bet you made a bundle off of it, huh?

I'm a producer myself.

I've done quite a few plays for the UJA.

Maybe you saw A .B.'s Irish Rose last year? Temple Bethel?

No. Well, I'm sure it was very good.

Oh, it was.

Of course, it's not in the same class as what you produced.

Well, listen, everybody's got to start someplace.

How do you think Daryl started out?

Daryl? Daryl Zanuck.

Oh, Daryl Zanuck.

Sure.

What are you working on now?

Right now, I got a script that's probably worth a fortune.

How much does it cost to make a movie?

Forget it. Can't make it driving a cab.

No, but you've got to start somewhere. How much does it cost?

A billion, two million.

You can't make it cheaper?

They all have to be big movies?

You can make a couple of bonos.

Bonos? You've got a good one.

Could you make a movie for $10 ,000, say?

Nah, you can't make it for $10 ,000.

$15 ,000 maybe.

You got $15 ,000 to invest?

No, I don't have 15.

I suppose you've got to start somewhere.

I could raise it, I bet.

Yeah.

Actually, if you really want to make a good one, 20 grand will do it.

20 grand?

Phew.

That's a lot of beans.

That'll be 10 .50.

Ziggy, it's been a great pleasure riding with you.

Damn it, will you look at this? I only have hundreds.

Listen, why don't you wait? I'll run inside and get change.

Come on, move on. This is a crosswalk. He's got to get change.

Listen, if I'm not back in two minutes, the script's all yours.

Put it over there.

Hey, buddy, are you still here?

I'm waiting for a passenger.

You've been here 15 minutes already.

15 minutes?

I've been beaten out of a 10 -buck fare.

That's too bad. Now get this hack out of here.

All right.

Right now I got a scripted whistle.

Fortune.

If I'm not back in two minutes, it's all yours.

We'll be right back.

song. No one can change you now.

You're gonna do what you gotta do.

You'll get it done somehow.

You're reaching so high.

Looking down at the sky.

Suddenly it's all clear.

No doubt you have no...

You think I'd get an opportunity like this and not share it with my best

Ziggy, I don't know anything about producing a movie. You don't, but I do.

Didn't I produce all those places that I had a Jewish appeal?

Huh?

All I need, all I need is a little help with the financing.

Oh, great.

I figure, I figure we can do it for a measly $20 ,000.

Ziggy, I'm lucky if I've got 20 cents in my pocket.

I thought you told me you have 5 ,000 stashed away.

That's for my kids.

For 5 ,000, they go to college for about a month, provided they don't take any

classes.

Look,

Tony, once this movie is made, money will be no object.

As much as I have, it's no object now.

Tony, listen to me.

What is it you said you always wanted?

My own cab.

All right, then. You invest in this movie and you have your own fleet.

I'm telling you, Tony, you'll become a vital cog in the motion picture

I thought I was a cab driver.

Bungie, Bungie.

Hi.

Hello.

So, what's new?

What makes you say that?

What's the matter? Wife's not got the right to ask her husband?

Oh, Mama, please.

I'm not allowed to talk in my own house.

Your house?

Since when did you start paying the rent?

You never ask me.

Okay.

You pay the mortgage.

This is not my house.

Excuse me. I got to make a November.

I don't want to talk no more.

YUM! YUM!

This is our big chance.

You don't want me to be a cab driver all my life, do you?

It's risky.

What's the matter with you?

Do you trust me?

I love you so much.

Lunatic.

Oh, Mary.

Mary, that's great.

That's great.

You're not going to be sorry.

Movie producer.

I wish he'd act like a movie producer.

It's a dirty movie.

Look, look. Try to look at it as a satire of contemporary sexual movies

lots of redeeming social values.

It's a dirty movie.

Don't be such a prude.

Who's a prude?

I got two kids. Show me a prude with two kids.

All right, then. All right, then what?

It's a dirty movie.

You keep saying that.

There's a reason for it. What?

It's a dirty movie!

Mr. Bernstein, would I have the pleasure of talking with you for a moment?

What can I do for you, Mr. Blanco?

If you're no doubt aware, your affairs last night were short by $10 .50.

How do you explain that?

He was going to buy you a birthday present.

A one -way ticket back to Russia.

Always a little joke for the boss, Mr. Tenzer.

Someday you're going to laugh yourself right out of a job.

Actually, I was conned out of affair.

I'm sorry, but I am going to have to induct it out of your salary.

Don't worry, though. Your pal Tony here can make it up to you.

when he gets his fair job as a spending committee.

That cheap bum probably sold snow cones in Siberia. Which is all the more reason

for wanting to make this movie.

You don't want to work for Belenkov the rest of your life, do you?

It's cheaper than a divorce.

And that's what I'll be getting if Mary finds out. I thought you talked her into

it. Sure, but I didn't know what it was about then.

What's the difference?

Who's the boss in your house anyway?

I'm the boss in my house.

Good. Then it's all settled. Yeah.

What does Jessica think about it? You don't have to be Italian to be boss.

To Mrs.

Bernstein, whose beauty is beyond compare.

Oh, Ziggy.

That's sweet.

Ziggy Bernstein, who is the luckiest guy in the world.

Okay, okay.

One more toast.

Ziggy, one more toast and I'll be too bombed to listen.

Will you please just tell me what's the surprise?

All right. Now, you know, all these years, my greatest joy has been

plays for the United Jewish Appeal. Sure.

And all that...

I've had only one dream, to be a real producer.

Well, you can say that I've taken the first step toward that dream.

Oh, Ziggy, you're going to do a real play.

Better than that.

I'll move.

What part do I play? You?

You can't be in it.

Why not?

You're a producer.

I'm an actress.

If you want, I'll even sleep with you to get a part.

Sweetheart, this picture calls for a very special type of actress, and you're

just not right for it.

You don't think I have talent? Oh, you have loads of talent, darling, but for

this picture, you need more.

More what?

Well, for one thing, you need a voluptuous body.

And what is this?

A pastrami sandwich?

So she went for it, huh?

I'm really surprised.

What's to be surprised?

A man's home is in his castle. And in my castle, there's but one king.

Well, I guess I'll go pick up some money on my lunch hour.

Did you come up with any more backers?

I have some very influential friends, which I will talk to today.

Lots of luck.

Don't worry about it, Thing.

The old Bernstein charm can accomplish miracles.

All right!

All right!

So don't come to me with your dirty movies! What happened

to the famous Bernstein charm?

I don't understand it.

What happened to all the men of vision?

They went blind from watching dirty movies.

What are we going to do now?

There's got to be somebody.

There's just got to be somebody who's willing to invest in my talent.

Yeah, I'll write the Pope.

Mr. Bernstein.

Mr. Tenzer.

Could I have a moment of your precious time?

Enjoy yourself, Boris.

After all, it's the last time we're all going to be together.

Last time we'll be together, I don't understand.

Well, you see, Tony and I, we won't be working for you anymore.

That's why we wanted to buy you a drink. You're not working for me anymore.

Stop.

Secret. Secret?

Oh, you can tell Boris.

After all, he is our pal.

Pal, French. You tell me the word.

Well, actually, we got this deal going.

Deal? Yeah, look, we have this deal. And it's worth about... Deal that worth

what? Huh?

No. No.

It's too good to let out.

Good. You never can tell who might be around.

Yeah, but anybody doesn't seem to be listening.

Who can tell with a million bucks on the line? A million dollars!

I don't think anybody heard.

I hope not.

Excuse me, I was carried away.

We understand.

Yeah, sure. I mean, if somebody told me I could make a million dollars by

investing a piddly few thousand, I'd get excited, too. A piddly few thousand? Is

this possible?

It's not just possible.

A sure thing.

Boris Andreevich, Pyankov, Dementor, or exactly what are you talking about?

I'm sorry. I didn't believe you.

Maybe we should tell him.

No. Remember, we agreed. No one but the investor should know.

I'm an investor.

Oh? I could be. I have $5 ,000.

$5 ,000? That's not bad.

It's always nice to have some money. Let me participate in your venture.

I don't know. Tony?

He is our pal.

Your pal?

Why should we let strangers invest when our friends have money to invest?

Just sign right there and you're in.

What's wrong?

It's not that I don't trust you, but what am I investing in here? Oh, it's a

movie. A movie?

This movie is legitimate.

It's practically the sound of music.

Just sign the papers, and you'll become a vital cog in the motion picture

industry.

Who are the other investors?

You know Tony's mother -in -law, don't you? I met her. She's a good woman.

Yeah, well, you don't think Tony would let his own mother -in -law invest

he was 100 % sure, do you? Is this true, Tony? Yeah, sure.

It's good enough for Mama Teresa. It's good enough for Boris Andreevich.

Where is Mama Teresa's signature?

Oh, well, that's only... What do you call it?

Formality. Well, good. Have her sign the formality, then I will sign the

formality. Why don't you just sign now, boy? Yes, yes, yes.

You bring the paper tomorrow with Mama Teresa's signature, then I will become

investor and make sure there is a clause in the contract that says that you two

will continue to be operators in my taxi cab company, and now, gentlemen... Good

night. Wait a minute! Hey, let's have another drink. Yeah, let's have another

drink. How's that song go?

Not necessarily.

Maria, where's Tony, huh?

He's a worker late all the time now.

What's the matter?

You in trouble?

You need money?

No, Mama.

It's just one of those ridiculous schemes between Tony and Ziggy.

Oh.

Hey,

Mama, you want some more coffee? I make. No, I'll get it.

Hi.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, Ziggy. Hiya, Mary.

Tony didn't tell me you were coming over.

Oh, well, honey, Ziggy and I have some important business to discuss.

Hello, Mama.

Hello, Tony.

Hello, Mama Teresa. Oh, Ziggy. How's your wife?

Oh, she's fine. Fine. Then, honey, why don't you make her some coffee?

Okay.

I'll help you, Maria. Thanks, Mama.

Ziggy, we're talking about a million bucks here. We can't just give a chance

like this to just anybody.

Feinstein isn't just anybody.

Besides, he's anxious to invest.

So is everybody else.

Feinstein is out.

Marie, what did Tony and Ziggy talk about, huh?

It's nothing, Mama. It's another crazy idea of Ziggy's.

Don't pay any attention to them.

Hey, how about my cousin Sal?

He's got plenty of money from his restaurant business.

Tony, this is a movie.

Sal knows from lasagna, but when it comes to art, well... You're right.

Okay. Sal is out.

How about your buddy Marco, the fat guy with the toupee?

Are you kidding? That cheap bum?

I wouldn't give him a chance to make ten cents, let alone a million dollars.

Hey, Mama, it's not nice to eavesdrop, you know?

Eve's a drop.

I'm no Eve's a drop.

I'm just a listener.

And what if Tony means about a million dollars?

It's only guessing, Mama.

Very few movies ever make that kind of money.

Tony's a make a movie?

Mama, why are you not telling me?

Well, it isn't definite yet, Mama.

Look, all we need is one more investor and we're on our way.

All I'm saying is that it's got to be someone that we know real well.

They need a sum of money for making the picture. My wife doesn't even come to

me.

Because you don't have any money, Mama.

I got $3 ,000 saved up in the bank.

Hey, I got the perfect guy.

Fiorina, the vegetable man.

That's thief.

You're going to take the money from him?

No. You're going to take my money.

Mama, what's wrong?

You know what's wrong, you bum.

You're going to make a million dollars and you don't want your own mama to help

you.

Farabundo. Mama. Here's the coffee.

Mama Teresa, we had no idea that you had money to invest.

But if you want to...

Sure. Mama, I just... This is a nice picture you make?

Oh, sure.

In fact, it's a religious picture.

How much do you need?

$5 ,000.

Well, Mama only has $3 ,000. I'm going to get her the money. None of you worry.

None of you worry.

I'm going to get her the money.

None of you worry, eh?

You got us some money, we're going to make a movie.

That's a nice... Of all the problems facing our faith in these troubled

none is more dangerous than the constant flow of pornography, which

currently fills our movie theaters.

So Tony's finally doing something good, huh?

Who would have believed from someone like him?

A holy gift sanctified by... I always say he was a good boy.

But a thing to be experimented with. You always said he was no good.

Each day finds a space... Italy.

When you go to Italy, eh?

When we get all of the money for making the picture.

The forces of the devil are hard at work.

Trying to make everything we have been taught... He's a good picture.

Don't we do?

It's a very religious picture.

All about a younger girl. Yes, they tell us.

Be foul of us.

Be foul of us.

Maybe we all come put some money.

Why tell you together?

I save it a little money.

My wife does a big business.

Our money is too small for big business.

Why you got to be the only one to go to Italy?

We all want to go to Italy.

We must do our utmost to stamp out filth

and corruption.

I got a $300 with the Social Security.

$300? You want to make a movie?

All you want is spaghetti.

Yes, Spunkin'. Tony, you want to make a picture about spaghetti?

No spaghetti.

Really, Joe? I can't hear you.

Look, everybody's going to get a chance.

So why don't you make a discussion on it, please?

Do not give your hard -earned money to those who would corrupt us.

Right now, everybody's going to bring the money to church tomorrow.

And I'm going to give it to Tony.

For money is the lifeblood of a conographer.

And without it, he will shrivel up and die.

Terry, you are a saint.

And Tony is the finest son -in -law in the world.

I'm going to make him obey.

Tony's picture is a success.

Heck yeah, Tony.

He's the latest son -in -law.

Oh, that bomb.

Oh, yesterday.

he was a bomb.

Today, he sent us all to Italia.

Italia. God bless Tony.

Amen.

You know, a few days ago, I never thought we'd make it.

But here it is.

Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Tomorrow, I'll put these checks in the bank, and Bernstein Tens of Productions

will be in business.

What's our next step?

Already taken care of. What do you mean?

You'll see.

You'll see.

Go Ziggy Bernstein.

Over there, sir.

Sorry, man.

Hey, hey, Ziggy.

This is so far out, man.

What's going down, brother?

I'd like you to meet my partner, Tony Tender.

Tony, this is Oliver Dubinsky, our director.

Far out.

Just call me O .D.

I want to talk to you about this film that Ziggy and Tony are doing. Sure.

Come on, sit down.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Or a drink?

Oh, a drink.

Hey, man.

Porno is my thing.

Have you seen The Devil in Miniskirt?

No, I missed that one.

How about Lust in a Catskill?

No.

Dracula Meets Deep Throat.

No, I missed that one, too.

When do you think you can start on it?

A few days. My crew's in Tijuana doing a documentary on religion.

Religion?

It's called Sisters of the Border.

Far out stuff, man.

How long do you think it'll take you?

Work of art like this, who can tell?

Three days.

Maybe four.

Hey, I'll set up a casting gig for Tuesday.

If that's okay with you guys.

Far out. Hey, Ziggy.

That's the spirit.

And remember, nobody can give you what I can promise.

Right.

That's it. I gotta split.

Are you shooting another picture tomorrow?

I like to get up early in the morning, watch the bagel factory make bagels.

Crazy holes.

Really cosmic.

Later, brother.

Siggy?

Well?

What do you think?

Siggy?

Remember, a verbal agreement, it's as good as my word.

You know, I'm going to be in a movie.

Ziggy promised me.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, well, I bet you won't even touch me when you have a star.

We'll both be stars.

Well, I thank the Academy for

this fabulous...

Don't be nervous. You have a very good chance.

Very good.

Are you allergic to animals?

No, I'm not.

Do you own a four?

Yes, seven.

Give her an eight.

Eight is very good.

In fact, that's the highest so far.

In the beginning, the director...

Must take over.

Terrific. Hey, man, what do you do?

Writer, actor, director.

Now, tell us, Miss Langley, what have you done just recently?

Well, um... This morning I went shopping and then I had lunch with my cousin

Madeline.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Professionally.

Oh, um...

might you be?

I'm Linda. Linda Luffman.

All right.

Stick around. I want you to meet the producers.

Ready to wail, man?

Huh? Want to start the casting now?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

Hey, Linda, you want to come in, baby?

Linda Lovman.

Linda. The boys.

And Mr. Boris Belenkov.

Oh, you're Russian, aren't you?

Oh, Stanislavski was Russian. Do you know Stanislavski?

I couldn't know him.

Oh, I just love Stanislavski. He's so, so obtruse.

Miss Lovman.

About this movie.

Oh, I told Poopy. Poopy? He's my agent. Anyway, I told Poopy, no more pornos.

I'm a legitimate actress now.

Porno? What means porno? Oh, she's just a little confused, you know.

What makes you think this movie's a porno?

Well, I mean, those scenes with four and five guys.

You know what makes a movie pornography?

Those scenes, I guess.

No. What makes a movie pornography is its lack of redeeming social values.

That's what the Supreme Court said.

Oh, I just love the Supreme Court.

I'm a very legal person.

I once knew the Supreme Court judge. He was just a freak. He was so mad. Oh,

wow.

Linda, Linda, there is some sex, Linda. There is some sex in this movie. It's

true. But what you don't seem to realize is that it also possesses a great deal

of redeeming social value. Yeah, a lot of social value. Isn't that right,

Forrest? The value.

Wow.

Then I guess it isn't a porny?

Of course not. That's why we want you to do the lead.

Want you.

Well, I had to think of my status as an actress.

Linda, this picture is the stuff that Academy Awards is made out of. Well, I'm

just not sure.

Not sure?

Not sure when we've hired the best acting coach in America?

Who? Yeah, who?

No, who?

You. Me?

Yeah. Our Boris?

Our Boris. Our Boris? Yes.

Boris Belenkov, personal friend of Stanislavski himself.

with me right away?

Mr. Balenkov?

I think it could be arranged.

Oh, Roy.

Far out.

Boris, why don't you take Miss Loveman out for some coffee and explain your

techniques to her?

Would you like that, my little artichoke?

Oh, Mr. Balenkov, I'm completely in your hands.

I am going to make a very big...

Why don't you just call me Boris, eh?

Oh, Boris.

We'll begin, my dear, with the expression of lust.

Well, take care of Boris.

We've got nothing to worry about now.

Thank you.

But Tony's a bitch.

These women, they all look like Putin.

And look at the man.

Look.

Hey, you guys didn't tell me about the old ladies.

Did she really make this film freaky?

What old ladies?

wrong impression out there.

What a wrong. We got eyes.

What you saw out there was actors and

actresses in costume.

Yeah, but what kind of costume? Look like, like, like a sinner.

Yeah, big sinners.

You see, they're all, they're all symbolic of sin and temptation.

Actually, actually, most of them are very good boys and girls. Yeah, some of

them are even starting to be nuns.

Yeah,

we were very lucky they agreed to help us. You see, most of them were very

ashamed. But when we told them what kind of movie this was, they agreed to do

it. And now you tell us.

Tell you what?

What this pitch is all about.

You never say nothing.

And now I none to believe you.

Ziggy will tell you.

Ladies.

Ladies, your lack of faith in me has hurt me deeply.

Mark it, DJ.

The liar. He says we have no faith in him.

Just to prove how wrong you are about Tony and me, I'm going to read from the

script to show you exactly what kind of film we're making.

And now he's going to read it from the script to prove how wrong we are.

Just the hope of God, is it not a look?

Excuse me.

What the

hell are you doing? Shut up and translate.

Temptations of Cynthia.

Le tentazioni di Cynthia.

It is almost midnight.

Quasi mezzanotte.

We see our heroine high upon a mountain.

Vediamo la nostra Erwin su un 'auto a una montagna.

She is dressed all in white, a symbol of goodness and purity.

Suddenly, she comes upon a cave cut into the very

rock itself.

She enters.

And suddenly, before her very eyes,

He is dressed all in black.

He is a symbol of all

that is corrupt.

All around him are hordes of the wicked.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Cynthia comes forward.

She is beautiful.

Innocent. A true virgin.

The devil says to her,

Worship me, and I will give you fame, wealth, and a handsome husband.

For you are evil.

And I love God.

Zitti responded.

My. Tu sei cattivo. E io amo Gesù Cristo.

Brava. Brava. The devil grows angry.

He says if you will not serve me. I will destroy you.

And your God ain't gonna help you.

Il diavolo si arrabbia. E dice.

Se tu non mi obbedisci. Ti distruggo.

Thunder roars! Lightning flashes!

The demons of Satan descend

upon Cynthia, clawing and tearing at her virgin purity.

She cries out to the Holy Virgin.

Holy Virgin, help me.

Holy Virgin, preserve me.

And suddenly, from heaven itself, there is a bright light.

It is the glorious host of

heaven, led by Saint Michael.

In answer to her prayer.

There's a battle.

And in the end, Satan and his disciples are cast back into hell.

And as the sun slowly rises,

Cynthia is born on the very wings of God's angels.

To a convent where she at last realizes the holy dream to serve

God as a holy nun.

It's a miracle. Oh, God, we pray.

It's so beautiful, so beautiful.

Too far out, man.

Because man is better than the Bible.

Glory to God in the highest. Such a beautiful picture, Tony.

I'm so proud of you.

God himself would pay to see this picture.

Hey, hey, I'm going to make it 10 novena for this picture. 10 novena and 20

rosary.

Hey,

man, that was far out.

You guys should do that picture instead.

Hey, Ziggy, you need more money, you come to me, yeah? Oh, thank you. Thank

Mama Teresa. But all we got to do now is finish the casting.

Yeah, remember, some of these girls have to get back to the convent. Yeah, we'd

like you all to stay, but, you know, you might embarrass them. Oh, sure, sure,

we understand.

Come on, we're going to go. And I'll leave it to you, Ziggy, to finish the

picture, huh?

This is going to reward you for what you do here.

That

better

stay. Put that up there.

Christina, your head.

Now, let's new stuff.

Now, I'm going to make a total check. Okay.

Who's going to follow the focus?

Focus.

Yeah, not too arty, man.

Can we take 50?

50. 50.

Yeah, 50.

Give me a 50.

Lala, take down this light reading, huh?

In the immediate area, 30 to 71.

72. I get 72.

Give him 72.

Do you want me to put that down? Please, everything down, Lala.

Roll me down.

Megaphone check.

Do you want me to get that down?

Please, everything the cinematographer says you put down.

Do I talk to Walt?

The umbrella shakes. Get someone up here early this afternoon.

Right.

Get me some Windex up here on the pronto, huh?

Do you want me to put that down?

La, la, listen, don't give me aggravation. Take everything down. We're

schedule already.

Oh, Boris, I don't know how to thank you for all you're doing.

Together we'll find a way.

Here we go now.

And roll it.

Here we go now.

Here we go.

Wyatt on the set.

Temptations of Cynthia.

Take... Take one!

Jojo, the camera does not move. We do not move the camera.

Why didn't you take that down? You want that man to lose respect for my work?

Walls, walls, that's all I... Jojo! Joseph!

Hello, Walt. So?

All right.

Now, rolling.

Action!

Let's get it together.

Oh, miss!

Miss, I was just coming to put some money in my meter.

Linda, baby, come on, we're on.

Oh, Warren, I hope I can do it. My darling, you're as tight as a bella like

string. All you have to do, my little cabbage, is remember everything I have

taught you. And you will be magnificent.

Come on, Linda, baby, move it.

Come on.

Come on, now, let's go, Linda. Come on, what are you waiting on?

Film's waiting on you. Boys, come on, give old D a break now.

Come on, baby.

And we're rolling.

Print that.

Terrific, Linda, baby. Terrific.

Right on.

Oh, yes, that was wonderful.

Very wonderful work, indeed.

Thank you.

Why are you crying, my little gooseberry? You are fantastic.

And I owe it all to you.

All right. One hour lunch break.

That's one hour.

Him, too.

Hey, Ziggy, Tony, what's happening, man? What the hell's going on here?

You're supposed to be making a movie.

Lunch break, man. Even actors gotta eat.

Yeah, yeah. How long do you think it'll take before you're ready to start

shooting again?

Soon, soon.

You can't rush on.

Anyway... I thought you were going to leave the filming up to us.

Yeah, we were, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't like to watch.

Huh?

Oh, I can dig it.

I can dig it, man.

And just what the hell do you think you are doing here?

In case you forgot, boys, we are the producers of this here picture. In case

forgot, Mr. Bernstein, you have a contract with me. You are still drivers

the Beliankov Taxicab Company with three conventions in town and the same goes

for you, too, Mr. Tenza.

Do you believe this guy?

Oh, Mr. Bernstein, I want to thank you for giving me the chance to study with

Boris. He's so, so ambivalent.

It's a Russian trait.

I'll expect you back at work when I return.

Come, my little banana splint.

How are things going anyway?

Shot 20 pages this morning, man. Everything stays cool, be finished by

I guess we better get back to work.

Take it light, man.

Yeah, we'll drop in once you want to see how things are going, okay? All right.

See you.

Why do I get the feeling that we're not in control?

We've done all we could. O .D.'s right. We said he could handle all the filming.

All I want to do is see one single piece of film.

Is that too much to ask?

You will.

You will.

Can't wear them on, brother.

Can't wear them on.

I'm going to tell you once, okay? Now, come on, you understand?

Hey, where are you going?

And action.

Tell me, Mr. Mott, how do you feel now?

Wonderful.

I haven't felt this good since my first Sarah passed away.

You don't know how good it makes me feel to know that I've been of some help to

you.

You're an angel.

You don't suppose you could give me these treatments two, three times a

hmm? Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Moss.

But are you sure you can afford it? I mean, these are expensive treatments.

Blue clothes.

Oh.

My God.

Help make this a nice picture.

And me too, eh?

Well, now, come on. Get it up on stage there.

I don't want to act anymore, and I don't want to act anymore.

Hey, man, hit the wind.

Thank you.

Quiet on the set!

You

see,

when I tell you to do something and you just do it, it turns out beautiful.

Just beautiful. baby.

All right.

Kill it.

Hey.

Coffee break, man.

Have a hit. When do you start shooting again?

About ten minutes.

We'll wait.

Knock yourself out, man.

Knock yourself out.

Hi, sweetheart.

What the hell are you doing here? We came down to be in the movie.

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, now, Ziggy, you promised me. Promise? What promise? I said I'd see.

So I saw and the answer's no.

I never realized you were so deceptive.

Deceptive? Me? Who was it who bribed the rabbi and let you break the glass at

the wedding? That's different.

You know I've always dreamed of being an actress. Give me one good reason why I

can't be in the movie. Who's going to take care of the kids?

Well, there was Mama.

Mama's an old lady. What if she has a heart attack?

You know Mama's son is a horse.

She may eat like one, but she's still an old lady.

But you gave me a part in A .B.'s Irish Roses. Are you J .A.?

It was for charity. This is a professional production. You're no

So what are you, Sam Goldwyn?

Jessica, I suggest we march right in there and demand to be in the film.

not marching anywhere except back home.

Oh, that's what you think.

This is a take.

Ready for action.

Action!

That's good.

Cut and print that.

Got that, Boom Boom?

Boom Boom?

picture going?

Painting. Painting.

Tony says it's going to be finished tomorrow.

So fast.

When you do God's work, it always goes fast.

Maybe we go and see what they do.

I want to see how they're going to spend the money.

No, no, no. Tony says we've got to disturb them.

What disturb?

We only want to watch.

He says that they work just like a priest in a seminary.

And nobody's allowed to be there.

Such good boys.

They're so involved in the religion.

I think I'm going to write the Pope a letter asking him to send them a special

blessing.

Why don't we send the Pope a copy of the picture?

I bet he'll like that.

Oh, yes.

Come on now, let's get it on. We've got a scene to shoot here.

Okay, okay.

Where do you want me?

Over here.

Right there, you're there. She's there, you're there.

Perfect.

Linda, baby, get your big butt in here, will you? We're trying to get a scene

shot. I don't think you should talk to me like that.

After all, I am the star of this movie.

I will talk to him, my darling.

Mr. Dubinsky, I don't think you should talk to her like that. After all, she is

the star of this picture.

Do me a favor, man.

Don't bug me.

All right.

Let's get it on.

Hey, Teresa.

It's our turn.

Our turn?

Yes, our turn. You sure?

I'm sure.

Young.

My lenses are getting very murky.

Murky?

Mended.

Uh, what do you do?

Oh, I'm mainly a parts person.

Parts? Yeah, you know.

They use my hands in, um, Wild Women.

Did you know it was my mouth that they used in Love Me, I'm Dirty? Yeah.

And they use my legs in Satan's Mistress.

Yeah, well, tell me, what part are they going to use in this film, darling?

My elbow.

Oh, come on. What can you do with an elbow?

All right, let's get something going here.

Rolling and action.

We should be able to see at least half hour of the shooting. Right.

Mama,

where are you going?

We're going to see some of the pictures. Yeah, see, see, we want to watch. Well,

you can't go in there.

Why not?

They're all praying.

That's right.

That's right. They all say their prayers right about now. Oh, good boy, you are

you. Let's go and pray with them.

No, no, no. No, you don't even know the right prayer.

What does it matter?

A prayer is a prayer.

We're like three pages behind.

I can fix that.

Hey, far out.

How come you're not shooting?

Hey, man, it's like 6 .30.

How many hours do you expect us to work?

There's regulations, you know, unions and all that jazz.

Besides, we lost the light.

What light?

Got me, man.

We're taking a movie.

A movie.

Movie, movie.

Take it easy, man.

Have a nice night.

Two days and I haven't seen so much as one single shot.

Cheer up. Tomorrow we'll see something for sure.

Yeah, how?

If Boris isn't telling us to get back on the job, then they're out to lunch or

on one of their 100 -proof coffee breaks.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry?

My wife is bugging me to be in a dirty movie that I'm producing but not allowed

to see.

My mother -in -law's making novenas for a porno movie that she wants to send to

the Pope.

And you say don't worry?

Look, tomorrow will all be over.

It better be, Siggy.

This thing is ruining my whole life.

Let's get it together.

You ready?

Roll it.

Temptations of Cynthia, take 200.

Take 200.

Come on.

And get set.

You ready now?

We're rolling.

Almost 11.

Let's hustle over to the studio.

What about Boris?

We'll tell him we're taking an early lunch.

Right.

You stupid... Oh, no.

No.

Temptations of Cynthia, take 300.

We're going to lunch.

Like I said, you girls really know this scene.

Let's really play it.

Okay.

Mary!

What are you doing here?

What?

control of his crew.

All right, get it together now.

shot.

Hi, brothers. How's it going?

We want to see some work done. Groovy, grab a seat.

Sit down. Ready?

Ready, Boom Boom?

Okay, quiet on the set.

You got yourselves a far -out flick.

That's it?

Right on.

You know, I never knew you with that joke.

Who wouldn't be with the prettiest wife in town?

Honey, you forgive me for taking your chance to act the way?

Forgiven.

After all, what part could be better than Mrs. Zachary Bernstein?

to present my fiancée, Miss Lindelof.

Boris, are you going to be married, huh?

I'm going to be very glad.

You're going to be very glad.

Oh, charmed, I'm sure.

Such a nice girl, Boris. Are you a lucky man to get such a nice girl?

Oh, grazie tanto.

I picked up a little when I was doing a movie in Rome called Lust in the

Colosseum. Oh, you got the Lust in the Colosseum. Must be another religious

event, you know.

I don't think so.

People.

So if you just sit down.

we begin, I'd just like to say, hey, brother,

it's been a stone gas making this flick.

I'm sure you'll agree that a lot of the credit

should go to our too -far -out producers, whoever they are.

Mr. Ziggy Bernstein.

I don't think he needs a haircut.

Tony.

Who's a... Who's a BT?

Oh, that's Bernstein Intense.

You should have come first, Antonio.

Yeah, but TB Productions would have sounded too much like a disease, Mom.

What the hell's going on here?

What is this disturbance? Hey, this is a private screening.

Yeah? Yeah. What's the meaning of this anyway?

Pretends investing?

Yeah. Fine.

You're both under arrest for producing a dirty movie. I got you into the city

hall. You're not going to get away with this. Right on, Tony.

Power to the people. Police brutality.

Christopher Columbus.

She walks right over here, and I would like to, as long as I'm here, I would

like to prefer charges against him. What do you think I am, a band dancer from

the streets, huh?

I happen to be an expert cinematographer.

He's such a bummer. Not if they put us in the same cell.

Come on.

This ain't no St. Christopher medal, you know.

This is a light meter, an important tool of my craft.

Yes, it's very bright in here.

I got.

I haven't even got a case.

I mean, let me think to you.

I remember.

Mama Teresa surprised all of mine.

Sure, no trouble.

You still want to buy the film?

Si.

How much did I offer?

Just make them an offer they can't refuse.

Hear the buzz.

Oh, no.

the story.

Did you really make a dirty movie?

Yeah.

If your mother -in -law finds out, she's going to ask for a vendetta.

Why would you do such a thing?

Oh, I needed the money.

For the family, you know.

See, see, see.

This is going to have to be worked out.

Let me see.

We got some connections to the movies, too.

I'll get a copy of some religious film and you can give it to the old ladies as

a present.

That way they never have to find out. Garish.

What's going to happen to us?

I think I can get you off.

Yeah? Yeah.

They haven't really got a case against you. Unless they caught you in

production. No, we haven't even seen a production.

And the screening.

Did you charge any money?

No, no, that was strictly private.

No, sweetie.

Wait here.

I have a question.

I was just delighted.

I didn't have anything to do with it.

Now listen.

Can I speak to the arresting officer?

Yeah, right over there.

It was a tall girl with a whip.

So far, all you've made is a mistake.

You booked these people.

Gave you up a false arrest.

You don't want that, do you?

Let him go, Harrigan.

Folks, we made a little mistake here.

We're sorry for the inconvenience, but you can all go home now. Hey, man, get

your act together.

See, didn't I tell you?

Now, don't you feel like two cents?

Ciao. And now, for your film.

How much do you want for it?

What?

My boss wants to buy it.

Strictly for private screenings.

So, how much do you want for it?

Well, uh... A hundred thousand.

Done.

So maybe around... tomorrow.

Make the arrangements, huh?

Why not?

Didn't I tell you when it comes to producing, Bernstein knows?

Yeah, you know all right.

If it wasn't for Mama's lawyer, you'd be producing plays in prison now.

Yeah. We sure owe him a debt.

Anyway, we're sitting pretty now.

I've got enough money for my fleet.

Fleet? Are you crazy?

We already made $100 ,000 on our first flick, and it wasn't even shown.

I'll tell you what we're going to do with that money.

We're going to make another movie.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here inside of God.

You smile and I respond.

We kiss, the past is gone.

Love was born today.

And if there is no past, there can be no question that

you're the only one I know.

And so, let me give you for a

start a yesterday, my heart.

To this holy estate, these two persons present come now to be joined.

If any man...

hands of time will turn together we will learn that there might

come a day when we reach the end

smile past is gone again love is born that day

Let me give you for a start a yesterday.

He must have got the cans mixed up. Oh.

Oh. Holy Michael.

You know, this is a religious picture. Yeah, I told them. And we're the

producers. The six of us are the producers. Oh, yes. Okay, everybody.

Everybody, if we're all ready, now we're going to turn off all the lights and

we're going to see the picture.

Okay?

I'm gonna kill him!

Then before you know it, you're reaching so high, looking down at the

sky.

Suddenly it's all clear.

No doubt you have no fear. This time you're right.

Burning like sand in a windstorm.

No one can change you now.

You're gonna do what you gotta do.

You'll get it done somehow.

You're reaching so high.

Looking down at...