Original subtitles

And it's a Wednesday, isn't it, that bomb cyclone bearing down on us?

We'll have a look at that in-depth weather forecast at 6:29, see exactly what the skinny is with that.

But it's cold this morning, and it's the holiday, so how you holding up?

I've got a lot yet to do, and I've written some figure, now I can't recall it,

but just a tremendous amount of people who wait till the last minute to do all the things you need to do associated with the holidays.

Why don't we do them in advance? Why don't we do them in advance?

Now some of you do. Some of you are sitting right there right now saying, "Clay, I've got everything taken care of."

And it’s you I commend. Your organizational skills, your time management, your stress management, your...

I can do this for ten.

Ten? I bought that for like three hundred dollars.

Do you want to take it back?

No. You can just...

Yeah.

I can give you forty-five dollars store credit or twenty-eight cash.

Cash?

Yes?

Yes, I'm smoking.

No, I'm not drinking candy, though. I can start. It makes no sense.

Yes, Bob. Everything is going to be fine.

I told you, I'm taking care of it.

Look, let's just think about it later.

Alright.

Okay, Mom. Alright, I love you.

Bye.

I have a taser.

What?

What do you want?

Nothing.

You think I even noticed you following me? You fucking perv?

Lady, chill out.

Shut the fuck up. Do you want to get tased?

I'm just here to see somebody.

Oh, really? Who?

Teddy.

You know Teddy?

Yeah, I do know Teddy.

Go ahead.

No, you go ahead. I insist. Come on.

Sorry.

Hey, come on in.

Really raining cats and dogs out there, huh?

Take a seat. Make yourselves at home.

Oh, you can move that shit wherever.

I didn't know you guys knew each other.

We don't.

Huh.

What happened to your leg?

Oh, yeah, just a funny little accident.

Anyway, how are you guys? What's going on?

How's tutoring, Olivia?

I stopped doing that in, like, 2013.

Oh, yeah, well, I was just, you know, I was just playing.

You know, I play too much.

So, how's your mom?

She's not doing great, Teddy.

Yeah, I feel that.

Do you, though?

Anyway, what's up?

It's a fun little poppin'.

What are you guys doing here?

You know exactly why I'm here.

Yeah, remember that favor you owe me?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

What?

Oh, I'm so thirsty.

Oh, man. Ah!

I wish I could reach that cup over there.

What cup?

That cup?

Hey, could you fill that up with Mountain Dew?

I've got a two-liter in my fridge.

Yeah, okay. Hey, chop chop.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Oh! Hits the spot!

Mmm, Soda is so awesome.

Okay, anyway, Teddy, I need cash.

Whoa, So does he.

Really?

Yeah, like a thousand bucks.

1200.

Same.

Whoa. I was actually just reading about synchronicity,

and, you know, I usually don't fuck with, like, horoscopes,

but sometimes that shit is hittin’, you know?

I got this, like, one crazy app.

I should redownload it. It's so crazy.

Alright, on that note, I gotta get out of here.

Give me the money.

Mmm.

A little problem.

What now?

Well, I don't, uh, have the money on my person, per se.

Teddy, we had a deal.

Uh, why don't you ask your parents?

That's not funny.

How about I write you an IOU for the IOU on some inception shit?

I need it today, now.

Same.

Mmm.

Well, a guy has it.

Who?

Uptown Mike.

Uptown Mike? What is that, a bar?

I just told you it's a guy.

Okay, why is he called Uptown Mike?

Well, he hates gentrification, so he refuses to leave his neighborhood.

So I'm assuming when you say Uptown, you mean what?

Like Union Square or something?

Uh, no, more like Harlem.

So you're saying if we go to Harlem and find this guy Mike, he'll give us--

Uptown Mike.

If we find this guy Uptown Mike, he'll give us the money.

Yes.

Great.

And it's enough for both of us.

Mmm-hmm.

What's his address?

144th and Convent.

Can't miss it.

Street number?

Mmm.

Well, I don't know.

I can't remember.

Seriously?

Are you for real?

Yes, I'm for real.

Okay, what's his cell phone number?

Ooh, yeah, I don't know.

I can't really give you that.

Why not?

Well, uh, I'm not really allowed.

He doesn't give his phone numbers to strangers.

Who is this guy?

Tony Soprano?

How the fuck do we find him?

I already told you his name is Uptown Mike.

And, uh, you can find him on Convent and 144th.

Show us his Instagram, then.

He's private.

Yeah, you can show us his picture, though.

I've tried adding him, like, five times and he still won't accept me.

I don't know, private dude.

You can call him.

You have his number, right?

Uh, well, yeah, technically I have his number.

So call him.

Why?

To tell him that we're coming.

Okay, okay, alright.

Oh, chill, dude.

Mmm.

T-t-t-t-t.

Went to voicemail.

Then leave a voicemail.

Okay.

Hey!

Uptown Mike!

What's poppin', brother?

It's me, uh, downtown Teddy.

No, I'm just fucking with you, man.

Um, uh, so I'm here with some homies right now.

Olivia and, wait, what was your name?

Amir.

Yeah, Olivia and Amir, and they're coming to get that 2K Omi.

2400.

Yeah, 2400.

Uh, so, yeah, it's gonna be a short, weird little white girl and a black guy, I think.

I’m Egyptian...

Uh, they're an hour away.

Miss ya, buddy.

Love ya.

Uh, yeah, talk to ya soon.

Alright, alright, alright, player.

Um, yeah, so, you know, he's gonna come through for sure.

Amir, can you make me a PB&J, please?

Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

So, do you live in Brooklyn?

Carroll Gardens.

Nice, I love it over there.

It's nice and quiet.

I live in Williamsburg.

So, did you grow up in the city?

Long Island.

I'm from right outside of Chicago.

Call it Little New York.

Can't believe it's been 10 years in the city.

Time is, time is savage.

It's pretty weird, huh?

What?

Us both meeting the money from Teddy.

Oh, yeah.

It is, like, super weird, actually.

What are you doing over there, anyways?

Sudoku.

I played that once.

I'm more of a wordsman myself.

Wordsman?

Yeah.

Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

That's not a thing.

Yeah, it is.

Like, someone who plays crossword puzzles,

scrabble, other word-based activities.

Yeah, I think you mean wordsmith?

No, wordsman.

Like, wordsman might be a word in another language.

Other languages have words that describe entire sentences

or emotions that English could never describe.

For example, there's this German word called furlwa,

which means, like, longing for an unseen place

or a place you've never been.

Pretty interesting.

Okay, dude, I'm not gonna fuck you.

What?

You can chill.

It's okay.

Wait.

What makes you think I wanna fuck you?

What?

What, I’m not being creepy, am I?

No, it's just that guys are only nice to girls

who they wanna have sex with,

so you're being nice to me.

Wow.

I don't even know what to say to that.

Because it's true.

It's not true.

I don't wanna fuck you at all, actually.

Oh, really?

You don't?

This is insane.

What's your logic, even?

Like, break it down for me.

I really, I really wanna know what you mean.

Seriously?

Yeah, I wanna hear it.

Oh, I'm so over-explaining things,

especially to men.

Here we go again.

Then how do you expect us to know anything?

Hmm.

Maybe read a fucking book?

Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

Shit.

Shit.

Fuck.

No.

Fuck.

Do you have a charger?

Sorry.

Fuck me, dude.

Look, I promise I'll, like, read Bell Hooks or something.

All right, but I really, really, really wanna understand

your philosophy on this, 'cause I just don't get

what you're saying.

Well, what do I get out of it?

What do you get?

I don't know.

Five bucks?

Well, because women and women's bodies are so objectified

and seen as literal things, you know,

historic misogyny, plus, like, rampant porn use

in the last 20-plus years,

men aren't capable of seeing women as people.

They just aren't.

And so a man is only nice for a woman

who he thinks he could eventually have sex with.

Like, even if it's not a conscious thing,

in the back of your mind, you're thinking,

"One day, I might be able to have sex with her."

Therefore, your brain is protecting itself

by being nice to me, as, like, a form of self-preservation.

If you didn't find me attractive,

you wouldn't give me the time of day

because I wouldn't be worth it.

Okay, but what if I don't find you attractive?

You don't.

No. You're not my type.

At all.

What is your type?

Like, less spiky.

Spiky?

Yeah, you're like a fucking puffer fish.

That's good.

Leads out all the guys who don't want to put in any of the work.

Do you see how hard it is for men?

Oh, poor men.

I feel so bad for you.

No, listen, okay,

I keep seeing all of this stuff online on TikTok

and Twitter and Instagram.

Yeah, well, that's your first problem.

No, listen, from girls who are like,

"I don't want to be approached. I don't want to be talked to.

If I'm at the gym, I'm working out, leave me alone.

If I'm out at the bar with my friends, like, don't approach me."

So, I just don't talk to girls in real life.

Are you admitting to me right now

that your form of learning is sexual harassment?

No.

I'm saying that the lines have been blurred, okay?

That it's such a gray area

that I just rather not participate in the area at all.

At least, like, when I'm on a dating app,

I know exactly why everyone's there.

It's way more simple.

Okay, wait, so you're saying that

you don't even talk to women in real life

because you're so scared of being rejected?

Because you think, we think,

you're harassing us?

Correct.

Oh, my God, this bothers me so much.

Why?

Because it's so much more simple

than what men make it out to be.

I mean, centuries of violence against us

and all we want is respect and validation.

But because the public discourse is saying

that you can't treat women the same ways as you have been,

men take this to mean you can't even talk to women.

It is so missing the point.

How is it missing the point if I'm just trying to be respectful?

Don't forget, you're the one

who literally almost tased me for walking behind you.

Don't you think that's a little racist?

Okay, uh, oh, no, that's totally different.

That's, like, so different, actually.

How? How?

Because, no, because it's like,

any time a guy is walking behind me, I'm scared.

And I've actually tased a white guy before.

Okay, look, fine, but I'm not missing the point.

Here, okay, wait.

I have a good way of looking at it.

My friend, she works in an office

and they had sexual harassment training with, like, HR or whatever.

They said it was like this.

You can have a crush.

Anybody can have a crush.

That's not weird.

And if you ask someone out and they say no,

and you move on, that's okay.

If you ask them again after you've said no,

they've said no, then it's like harassment.

That's how simple it is.

Okay, but my friend who works in an office,

they have a strict no dating policy at all.

Either way, it doesn't matter

because I don't work in an office,

but if I did, better safe than sorry in my opinion.

Where do you work?

Let's just say I'm in between jobs.

Well, what do you usually do?

I work at some shitty ad agency,

but I'm working on a graphic novel.

How about you?

I work in an organic grocery store.

Nice, like a Deli?

No, it's a co-op.

I never really understood those things.

But you get the point that I'm trying to make, right?

Like talking to women, asking women out.

It's really not that complicated.

Look, I just want to be respectful.

Yeah, but your respect is misguided.

Your guidance is misguided.

Good one.

Speaking on behalf of all men.

Oh, here we go.

Y'all are confusing as hell.

No, we're really not.

You're just chronically online.

You don't go on the internet?

No, only when I need to.

I deleted all my apps and downloaded Sudoku

because I’m trying to get all my brain cells back

so I don't get Alzheimer's.

Oh, and please.

Thank you.

I'm going to get that back later.

Fucking Teddy.

I'll call him.

What's up? Leave me a message?

No answer.

Hey, Teddy.

It's Olivia and Amir.

We are at Mike's place

and he's not answering.

Would love to get this resolved as quickly.

Yeah, if you don't figure this out,

I'm going to call your mom.

Answer us, you little bitch!

Okay, John Wick.

Hey, stop buzzing.

I got my grandmother in here.

Sorry.

Do you happen to know where Mike is?

Uptown Mike?

This guy's like a cartoon character.

Yeah, uptown Mike.

Yeah, why?

Is he here?

He work till like three.

Where?

I can't tell you that.

Just come back closer to three

and he'll be here.

He's like clockwork.

What time is it?

Almost one.

Doesn't make sense to go back.

Lunch?

What?

Nothing.

Oh, really?

Nothing.

I didn't say anything?

Yeah, you didn't have to.

What?

What?

Would you fuck me now?

Okay, fine.

Yes, I would.

All right?

Okay, you win.

You do?

Okay, what is this?

Like when a girl takes her glasses off

and suddenly everyone thinks she's hot?

First of all, that happens.

Second of all--

I wasn't dressed like a nun.

I have a fucking imagination.

Trust me, I do.

Ew!

Get over it, because this is as much as you're ever seen.

Why do you hide yourself?

You're like hot.

It's cold outside?

No, seriously.

Calm down, buddy.

Oh, by the way, I'm not hitting on you or anything.

I'm literally just curious.

I'm not hiding anything.

Yeah, you are.

Look, I really don't want to talk about this

with a guy I just met...

...Noted.

Hi, you guys ready?

Hi.

Hi, yeah.

I'll have the cobb salad and an iced tea, please.

Okay, great choice.

And you?

And I will have the Spanish omelette por favor.

Great choice, great choice.

Anything else?

Uh, I'll do a glass of chocolate milk.

Oh, my God.

Okay, great.

I'll get that to you.

Be back in just a minute.

Actually, do you have a phone charger?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. You don't.

Okay, okay.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

So, why do you need the money?

For, um, Frank.

Frank? Is that, like, your brother or something?

No.

What about you?

For my brother, actually.

Oh, yeah?

What's the story there?

I'd rather not talk about that with a girl I just met.

Okay.

How do you know Teddy?

Through my brother, actually.

Hmm.

That sort of half answers my question, then.

Yeah.

How about you?

We grew up together, actually.

I used to tutor him in high school.

Well, you've done an exceptional job.

Shut up.

You don't know how much progress he's made,

which is a lot, trust me.

I feel like every time I hear Teddy's name,

it's because something absolutely devastating has happened.

Oh, absolutely.

There was this time where he was a sophomore

and I was a senior in high school.

And him and this kid, like, Derek, something I forget.

Also, just like such a little fuckhead.

They went to this country club, a couple neighborhoods over,

and ended up trying to steal a golf cart.

No.

But as soon as they got off the golf course,

the battery died or it had, like, a sensor or something.

And so instead of just leaving it, they went home

and got Teddy's mom's car, drove it to the country club,

tied the golf cart to the car,

and then when they tried to drive away,

the whole top of the golf cart smashed through the back

of Teddy's mom's minivan.

She had to pay off the country club and pay to get her car fixed.

I mean, that dude has always been a mess.

Sounds about right.

Yeah.

But I did help him pass high school.

On my weekends home from college, I would still tutor him,

and plus I've just done so much random shit for him.

He owes me, and I've never asked him for favor before,

so, you know, I'm fucking desperate.

Can I ask you a serious question?

- What?

- Do you think Teddy wants to fuck you?

- Oh my God, ew, I don't know,

and I don't want to think about it.

- Based on your logic, he does.

- Ugh, God.

I mean, if I reflect,

I guess when we were younger, he would give me this look,

where he would squint his eyes and do this elevator.

- No, no, no, no, no, stop, I'm good.

- But you asked me.

- Stop, I've heard enough.

- Five seconds ago.

- I have heard enough.

- Okay, well you made me think about it,

so now you have to think about it, so.

- Here we go.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- There you go.

- So, to answer your question,

I think yes, there was a time when he wanted to fuck me,

but now he just sees me as like a weird older sister.

- Are you kidding me?

Have you been on Pornhub recently?

Older sister gets reeled from behind

as literally the number one search globally.

- I hate that for so many reasons,

and vehemently anti-porn.

- I'm not anti-porn, but I don't really watch it.

- Yeah, right.

- What, I don't.

- You don't watch porn?

- No, I don't watch porn.

What is this, like some toxic macho?

I get so much pussy, so I don't need to watch porn,

kind of thing.

- No, it's just porn doesn't really do anything for me.

- Are you fucking with me right now?

- No.

- Okay, please explain this to me

so you can debunk my innate belief

that every man is a porn-addicted sex freak.

So now you want me to explain something.

What do I get?

- Just tell me.

- Okay, so this is gonna be difficult to understand

because it's less of a stance

and more of just something that is.

So it's not like I haven't watched porn

or I haven't jerked off,

it's just that it's less of a hobby for me

than it is for other men.

Right, like when I do it, I'm not doing it for pleasure.

I'm doing it because I have to.

- Well, what's an I have to scenario?

- Let's say I haven't come in like three weeks

and I have a really big date.

In that case, I would probably jerk off once in the morning

and then once right before the date.

Again, no porn.

And the reason I'm doing it is not for myself,

it's for the girl.

I just wanna be a high-performance stallion.

Again, no porn.

- I can't believe this.

I've never met a guy who doesn't watch porn

on a regular basis, you're not lying to me.

- Why would I watch porn if I don't jerk off?

Well do you follow hot girls and models on Instagram?

- No, I purged them all years ago.

- Why?

- The human brain is not designed

to look at so much ass and titties.

- You know what?

- I agree.

- Great, we agree on something.

- Cheers.

So,

when's the last time you jerk off?

- I don't jerk off, excuse me.

- Okay, when's the last time you self-cared yourself?

- Here you go.

- Mm.

Thank you so much.

- Enjoy.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Self-cared?

Is that what you just said?

I'm not telling you.

- Everybody does it, it's fine.

- Well, I don't know, I'm,

I just,

I'm like you, I don't watch porn,

I just use my imagination.

- Mm, spank bank.

- What is that?

- Spank bank, all of your previous experiences

from your sexual escapades that you had in the past

that you now use to-

- I've actually never heard that, that's really funny.

- That is pretty good.

- I was thinking about something the other day.

Do you think it's even special anymore

to be considered hot?

- I don't follow.

- Like, you just said how we have so much access

to hot people, we shouldn't have that much access

to hot people, like I don't think our brains

can conceptualize how many hot people

we see on a daily basis.

Plus we have the most resources that we've ever had.

You don't even have to be rich anymore

to fundamentally change the way you look

with clothes or makeup or a video that you watch online.

I mean, I guess some plastic surgery

is sort of only reserved for really rich people,

but even that's getting less expensive.

I actually had a layover in Istanbul once,

and I found out it's the hair transplant capital of the world.

- No way.

- There were so many dudes sitting at the airport

with bandages wrapped around their heads, bleeding.

- No.

- Yes, it was like a wave of blood.

- Oh my God, well see, this is exactly

what I'm talking about.

- Yeah, I mean, if I ever go bald,

I'm 100% going to Istanbul with the boys.

- Yeah, I don't know, I just never want

to have plastic surgery.

Maybe I'll feel differently later,

but I just don't want anything with a knife involved.

And I also was reading this thing about how

it makes it easier for women to live

in a patriarchal society when they're attractive.

So anything that helps a woman live per day to day,

like I get it, no judgment.

But at the same time, doing that

isn't going to lead to any kind of liberation.

I don't think people get how intense

some of these surgeries are.

Like they literally crack your skull

and cut your skin and pull up your whole face skin suit thing.

It's like so fucking visceral,

it feels like a form of torture.

- What's your opinion on bald men?

- Oh, they need hair transplants.

- No, seriously though, what about women

who say that they're getting plastic surgery for themselves?

- I don't know.

I mean, how can we say that anything we do

is for ourselves when we live in a society

where male approval is woven into literally everything?

- So are you saying that the women who say

that they're getting plastic surgery for themselves

are just misguided feminists?

- Oh God, I don't know.

Don't quote me on any of this.

I'm not a scholar, I just read stuff

and sort of form opinions.

- So are you saying all of this

'cause you don't like it when guys tell you that you're hot?

Just doesn't feel special anymore.

- To be told that you're hot,

I mean, I want to be with someone

who finds me attractive because they,

like who I am as a person, not my tits or whatever.

It's just, yeah, I don't know.

I'm only attracted to people

who I am intellectually simulated by anyway.

- Uh, sapiosexual.

- What is that?

- Sapiosexual, it's when you're attracted to people

more based on their personalities and their intelligence

than their looks.

- Oh.

- Are you intellectually stimulated by me?

- Maybe, but I'll be right back for a second.

- This is a prepaid call from an inmate

at the County Correctional Facility

All phone calls are subject to recording and monitoring

to decline this call, press nine now.

- Fuck.

Jesus Christ.

,

Let’s go. Pay the check.

- Hey man, can I grab a cig?

- It's my last one.

- Thank you.

- Can I ask you a question?

Do you have an eating disability?

- Why are you laughing?

What?

- Disability?

- I meant disorder.

It's not funny.

- Oh my God.

Wait, I really need to write that down.

I meant eating disorder.

- Oh my God, that's so funny.

Oh fuck, I keep forgetting my phone died.

Wait, will you remind me later that you said that?

- Sure.

Anyways, aren't you gonna thank me?

- For what?

- I don't know, paying for lunch?

- Oh no.

- Why?

- Because you're a man.

Men should pay for everything.

- Yeah, but this wasn't a date, don't you want equality?

- Well, I wanna be making this same amount of money as you.

So until that happens, you're buying.

- Well, I actually read an article recently

that said women are starting to make more money than men.

New York included.

- What time is it?

Lemme see it again, what was her name?

- Oh, 'cause there were so many to keep track of.

- Oh, here she is, Chloe.

So we match on hinge.

I say hi, she says hi.

Five minutes into the conversation, she says,

I know this is gonna sound weird,

but I'm asking all prospective daters to fill out a survey.

- Okay, did you fill it out?

- Of course.

- When did she wanna go out with you after?

- Yeah, I passed the test.

- Let me see this alone.

Do you consider yourself a good listener?

Anyone could lie about that.

- Yeah, but I didn’t.

- Do you respect women?

Jesus Christ, these are multiple choice questions.

Dude, you can't find out information like that

from questions or like a survey.

The vetting process takes so much more time.

It's so nuanced.

This girl could be dating a sociopath.

- That's like a job interview.

You just weed out the bad ones.

- Listen, I think a survey is wanted,

but she's probably like inviting creeps

who know how to maneuver around shit like this, you know?

- Or maybe she's being open.

- Yeah, you're only saying that 'cause you passed.

- No, I passed because I'm a gentleman.

- Wait, I don't date only children,

so if you're an only child, stop taking the survey now.

What the fuck is that?

- I actually 100% agree with that.

- Why?

- Let's see here.

Only children are notoriously bad partners.

They're difficult, they're selfish.

- Excuse me, I'm an only child.

- Oh, I know.

- You know.

- Yeah, I knew the minute you opened your mouth.

- How?

- Well, for one, you always have to be right.

Number two, you don't get help from anyone.

And number three, the biggest red flag,

you don't pay for your meals.

- No, you know what?

Whenever I tell someone I'm an only child,

they're always surprised.

That's real.

- Olivia, hate to break it to you.

They're just being polite.

- No, they're not.

- Yeah, they are.

- That's not fair because--

- Hold on.

My mom's calling.

Hello?

- Hey, mom.

- Yep, I'm working on it, I told you.

I know the cutoff is tonight, mom.

- Happy holidays.

- Thank you, have a nice day.

- I'm taking care of it, so I'm taking care of it.

I don't know why you won't understand that.

- Yes.

- Okay.

Okay, I love you.

Yeah, I love you.

Okay, all right.

- Sorry about that.

- You good?

- Yeah, you good?

- Yeah.

- What's up?

- No, nothing, it's just that song reminds me

of my mom's friend, Peter.

- That's nice.

- Yeah, no.

- What's up?

- He had like this lung disease

where his lungs would fill with fluid

and every time he was gonna come over for dinner,

my mom would always say,

if Peter throws up, don't worry, it's okay,

it's just 'cause he's sick.

And he had this little like beeper thing on his belt

that I think was like monitoring stuff.

But then we have dinner and then we'd dance around the house

and sort of play that song and it was really fun.

And honestly, I never even saw him throw up

like he didn't seem that sick.

- Then what happened?

- Well, then he got really sick.

And my mom and I went to go visit him in the hospital.

But we went all the way up to his room and he wasn't there.

And so we asked a nurse where he was

and she said that he was sitting right by the entrance.

He was so different looking

that we didn't even recognize him.

And he didn't have enough energy to even say her names

when we walked by him.

- So sad.

- Yeah, and then I think he died

like a few months after that.

And I was like six or seven years old,

like I just couldn't stop thinking about it.

Like the way he looked or just knowing that he died.

I think that my mom went to the funeral,

but I don't remember if I did.

I don't know.

I used to think my mom was really selfish

for exposing me to that, you know?

But thinking about it right now, I'm like,

maybe she wasn't being selfish.

- I saw a kid drown once.

What the fuck?

Why are you laughing?

- I'm sorry.

I didn't expect you to say that.

- Dude, I just listened to your whole long ass story

and now you're laughing at my--

- No, no, no, I'm sorry.

No, truly, I just get really nervous when I laugh

and then get nervous.

I'm sorry, please keep going.

- I'm serious.

I was eight, the same age as the kid.

My family was on vacation in Egypt,

and we were at the beach and the waves were huge that day.

And I really wanted to go in.

I was standing on the beach just looking at the ocean,

but my dad wouldn't let me go in

'cause it was dangerous, obviously.

But then this little kid went in

and he just got sucked right in.

And his dad started panicking, of course,

trying to tell him to come back.

Finally, his dad jumped in and when he came out,

he had a dead body in his hand.

He laid him on the ground, his own son,

he laid him on the ground,

tried to do CPR, but by then it was too late.

And everyone was yelling and the men were screaming

and the women were wailing and everyone was panicking.

And it was crazy 'cause they just picked the kid up

and started to do a procession.

And all I wanted to do was go home.

And I remember I was pulling my dad's hand,

saying, "Take me home, take me home,"

but he wouldn't let us go.

He made us stay and he made us join the procession

with all these strangers.

I don't know.

I still think about that kid once or twice a year.

- Have you talked to your dad about it since then?

- No, he's dead.

I'm so sorry.

- It's okay, it happens.

- I kind of think...

It's a good thing that you saw that, actually.

- What, a kid die?

- No, I'm not talking about the kid.

Like, it's fucking traumatic to see a kid die.

That's not what I'm saying.

I just mean the way that everybody immediately acknowledged

the fact that you were all part of this horrific tragedy.

People did that here, everyone would think that you're crazy.

- Yeah, Americans just don't want to be inconvenienced.

- It's like so normal to wail and beat your chest

and feel these like big fucking feelings

when you see a little kid die.

- It's like everyone's shared in the pain.

You know what I mean?

- Yeah.

- Oh, wait.

I have a secret spot.

Follow me.

- Where?

- Over here.

Take my hand.

- No, I'm fine.

- Of course you're fine, you're an only child.

Be careful.

Slippery one way.

- I have to pee, so just, you go ahead and I'll find you.

- All right.

Don't get lost.

Fuck this.

- And watch out for the prickly bush.

- Okay.

- Oh fuck.

- What?

- Oh my God, what are you doing?

- You were yelling.

- Yeah, because there was a bug.

- How am I supposed to know?

- Why are you still looking at me?

- Sorry.

- My God, fucking perv.

Can you like go, can you like leave, go away?

- Okay, let me know.

- Did you see anything?

- No, I didn't, I promise.

- Shit.

The trail's closed, let's go somewhere else.

- Oh, who cares?

I wanna see your secret spot.

- But what if we get into trouble?

- Oh my God, no one's gonna catch us.

Have you seen like anyone here today?

- No, but there could be a park ranger

or a good Samaritan or something.

- Who cares?

- I care, what?

- Oh my God, you really care what other people

think of you, don't you?

- No, I just wanna be a good person.

- Okay, but there's kind of a fine line

Between being a good person and being a fuckin’ narc.

- Look, everything is connected, okay?

If it's someone's job to look after this trail

and they do a bad job because of me,

then I'll ruin their day.

And then they'll ruin someone else's day

and that person will ruin someone else's day

and that person will ruin someone else's day.

But if I'm nice and I follow the rules,

then this person's gonna have a good day

and they're gonna be nice to someone.

And then that person's gonna be nice to someone else

and that person's gonna be nice to someone else

and that person's gonna be nice to someone else.

Henceforth, creating a better society for all of us.

- Henceforth, what is with your vocabulary?

- Yeah, it's just a fact.

- You're a delusional dude.

Do you really think you have that much control

and I don't know, fuckin’ say

or other people's lives?

You don't.

- We all have a responsibility.

- Yeah, but the world doesn't work like that,

like what you just said.

- It works in Japan.

- What do you mean it works in Japan?

- In Japan, it's all about sacrificing

the individual experience for the sake

of better overall society.

For example, not eating on the train.

- Well then how do you explain then

that girls are constantly getting groped

and harassed on the train?

- Where?

- In Japan.

It's a huge problem.

- Really?

- Yeah, Japanese cell phone manufacturing companies

have had to literally put a sound

every time someone takes a photo

'cause men are constantly taking pictures

of girls' skirts.

- Okay, well that's a totally separate issue.

- How is that a separate issue?

You just said everything's connected.

- Look man, I don't know.

I'm just trying to be a good person.

- Okay, yeah.

I want to be a good person too.

I want to change the trajectory of niceness

or whatever the fuck you were just talking about,

but I don't think the world works like that.

It's too complex and fucked up

for any of that to be an absolute.

So please, let's go see your secret spot.

But I don't...

If we get a ticket, you're paying for it.

- This is it?

- Yeah, it's pretty cool, huh?

- I mean, it's just a tunnel.

- Yeah, but at least we won't be wet then.

- Yeah, that's true.

- I mean, my brother used to come down here,

spend hours just people watching.

It was so fun and interesting.

- What's his deal?

- What do you mean?

- With him and the money.

- It's kind of a long story.

- What time is it?

- I guess we have time.

He's like this sponge, you know?

He just takes up so much of my time

and money and energy.

He's a fuck up.

He knows he's a fuck up,

but every time he fucks up,

I'm there to unfuck it.

- Have you always taken care of him like that?

- No.

Before he started getting into trouble,

he was actually a pretty good kid.

I mean, I know he's a good kid.

So when he called me to tell me

he was in another situation,

I did what I always do and decided to help.

I don't really have an option, you know?

If I don't intervene,

then the stress falls on my mom

and that's really not fair to her.

- How does Teddy factor in?

- My brother's in jail because of Teddy.

- Fucking Teddy.

- Yeah, they, like, tried to rob a bodega or something.

- No way. - Yeah.

Teddy got away, but he broke his leg.

My brother, he got caught and ended up in jail.

- So is Teddy giving you the bail money?

- Teddy knows that my brother's in jail because of him.

My brother keeps calling me from jail,

telling me how terrible it is.

I just feel so guilty leaving him in there like that, you know?

I tried to talk to him about it once.

I was like, "Do you know how weird this is for me?"

Like, in my own life,

I don't associate with criminals and lawyers and cops,

but here I am doing it again.

You know, it's like,

I have this normal life with normal problems

where I'm a normal person and then I have this whole other life

where I'm dealing with things that I don't want to deal with.

Like, in my own life, I avoid all criminal activity.

I avoid legal activity.

I don't want to be friends with criminals, but my own brother is one.

He has the ability to completely fucking ruin my day

with a single phone call.

Well, do you ever do nice things for yourself?

Of course.

Like what?

I get foot massages.

Oh.

That's tight.

Yeah, have you ever been to Foot Spa 88 in Chinatown?

It's really $30 for 60 minutes.

No, I've never been there.

We should go sometime.

All right.

Now you gotta tell me.

Tell you what?

I told you I need the money.

Now you gotta tell me why you need the money.

I don't have to tell you anything.

Come on, who's Frank? Your boyfriend?

No.

No, he's not my boyfriend.

Cousin, dad, grandpa?

No, no, no.

Boss?

No, stop.

No, I--

And I don't want to tell you because you're just going to laugh at me.

I'm not going to laugh, I promise.

Okay, fine.

How about this?

It's a little wet, but five more bucks.

For what?

Tell me.

Okay, well, Frank is my cat.

What?

What's the-- I knew you were going to laugh.

Oh, my God.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.

I didn't know you were a cat girl.

I'm a cat guy, I have two.

Oh.

What's wrong with him?

He's sick.

Um, he has this thing where he stopped eating a few days ago and I took him to the vet and

the doctor said that they have to operate on him now, like in like the next day, because

his kidney is something, so I have to keep him alive because he's kept me alive the last

few years and I don't know what I would do if like--

Yeah, so Teddy needs to stop being a fuck up for like half a second and give me the money.

Please, um, laugh at me because I'm an only child and my cat is my best friend.

I'm not laughing, I get it, being close to animals.

Yeah.

A cat doesn't like yell at you for like something that's not your fault.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.

It does if it’s bothering you.

A lot's bothering me, like all the time.

I feel like one of the biggest problems just in general, like with everyone, is when someone

shares something really personal or whatever, the listener who's receiving the information,

if it doesn't fit into the narrative that they've created, they don't believe you sometimes at all.

And I think one of the worst feelings in the world is trying to convince someone of something you know happened to you.

Because you're already starting from this place of being scared that they're not going to believe you.

And so then you being scared could lead them to believe that you're just not even telling the truth because you're scared.

So when I tell people things about my family and things that have happened with them or like experiences I've had with men,

it doesn't fit into the narrative of what they've created for me.

So I just don't tell people stuff.

I just think it's easier, I don't know, because it just never goes well.

So why would I say anything?

I mean, I believe you.

But I didn't tell you anything.

Yeah, you did.

Show me a picture of Frank.

My phone died, remember? Show me yours.

I would love to.

So they're super freaking cute. One's grey and one's white.

Okay, whoops.

So this one's Crusts and this one's Worm.

Seriously?

What, you named your cat after a human?

It's fine, they're cute. I actually like hairless cats.

I think a lot of people think they're gross, but I don't get it. They're cool and cute.

No, I agree. I mean, the only people that don't like hairless cats are usually dumb.

You know, people who think that golden retrievers are the best dog.

No offense to golden retrievers, but they're literally the Bed Bath and Beyond of the Canine Kingdom.

Look at this one.

It stpoped raining.

Hold up.

So have you prayed for your cat?

I have, actually.

God, I wish I had a cigarette.

Oh.

I'm good.

I also have gum. I think that's something that...

No, you can keep it. I'm good. Thanks.

So if you're from Egypt, that's what you said? Then are you Muslim?

I can’t believe you would ask me that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just fucking with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I am Muslim.

I guess it depends on who you ask, though. I mean, if you ask me, I am, but...

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I feel like I identify as Muslim, but I don't really do anything that Muslim people are supposed to do.

For me, it's more about intention and faith rather than following rules.

But then again, there is literally a book filled with rules.

Let me guess. You're Catholic.

Nope.

I take it you're not Muslim, though.

I honestly don't even know what I am.

My mom is some kind of Christian, not sure which.

And I think I was baptized, but I don't remember.

I mean, who remembers being baptized?

But my dad is a different story. It's way more complicated because his mom, my grandma, she survived the Holocaust

and then met my Catholic grandfather when he was stationed in France after World War II.

He took her back to the States, they got married, and she was so traumatized by the war that she

ended up just keeping it a secret that she was Jewish.

So she raised my dad and his siblings as Catholic.

And then when my dad was 18, she took him aside and said, "Hey, I have to tell you something. You're Jewish."

Oh, congratulations. So you're Jewish. Mazel tov.

Thank you. But I don't even know if I could be considered Jewish because there are people

who think that you're only Jewish if your mother's Jewish.

But then there's like, reformed Jews who think that it can just be part of your lineage if you have Jewish ancestry.

I just didn't go to Hebrew school and I didn't have a bat mitzvah, so I don't really feel like I can

say that I am, except I was so confused about it that I actually saw a rabbi.

He told me that being Jewish is a verb, not a noun. So I guess I gotta just do all the prayers and shit and then I will be.

Do you believe in God?

I believe in something. I mean, this shit, the galaxy shit, space, it's too crazy.

I just feel like it's the only thing to believe. Like people in our culture and our society and our generation,

they can't believe something without proof.

It's like every time I really want something or something goes terribly wrong,

I have this innate instinct to ask someone up there for help.

It's like that saying there are no atheists in the trenches.

I agree with that.

It's also like the dominant foot thing.

What's that?

See?

What the fuck?

Do you see how your body stabilizes yourself with your right foot

because it knows you're righty? That's kind of what I'm talking about.

What does that have to do with God?

Well, it's like exactly what I was saying about God. It's like your body knows.

If you want something really badly or the going gets really, really tough, you automatically just start talking to someone up there.

You know? You don't know why, but it's an innate instinct.

The same way that your body stopped itself with the foot.

It's a primal relationship.

And that's why I feel like it's the only thing to believe in, honestly.

What if it's like what I was saying before about male approval?

Religion has been built into us for thousands of years because our ancestors had to cling to something

to make sense of this cluster fuck hellscape that we all live in.

I mean, how do we know that we believe in religion just because religion exists or because it's part of our history?

Maybe.

So do you pray every day?

I don't know. I guess you could call praying.

I mostly just talk.

What do you talk about?

I just need someone to listen.

Hey, I would like someone to listen.

You're on an airplane. You're flying over the Atlantic Ocean. Your appendix bursts

and there's not a doctor on the plane. Boom. You're dead.

But even if there was a doctor on the plane, what, they just open you up right there?

Better than not.

I don't think that happens.

What's your biggest fear?

I think being attacked by a bear.

A bear?

Yeah, dude. Vicious way to die.

Brutal.

They have karaoke. One song.

Oh my god, no.

No, no, no, no. We have to go.

It'll be fun.

We're right around the corner.

I know. This will take two minutes. One song.

No, no, no. Dude, come back. Stop. Stop.

Oh my god.

I'm packed and I'm holding. I'm smiling.

She's living. She's golden. She lives for me.

Says she lives for me, ovation.

For all the motivations she comes down and she comes down on me.

And I'll make her smile like a drug for you.

Do whatever you want to do over and over you.

Keep on smiling what we go through.

One stop to the rhythm that divides you.

And I'll sleep to you like the chorus of the verse.

Top of the line like a coda with a curse.

There's a little feature that makes you sing.

We give up the game since I want something else.

To get me through this.

Tell me some kind of line.

Being there and feeling very high.

I want something else.

I'm not even listening when you say good morning.

I'm trying to go.

I'm rolling out of taking so many shots of my pills.

And I say I should get back there.

I'll play back there.

Smiling in the patients you would take.

I do a crucial message when you open till you break it.

I won't stop.

I won't come down like doctors.

Take talk, read a little book, put it up, and then I fucked up.

I took an incident I was given and I fucked again.

And I fucked again.

How do I get back there to the place where I stand?

Sleep inside you.

How do I get myself back to the place where you stand?

I want something else.

To get me through this.

Send me some kind of line.

Baby, baby, I want something else.

I'm not listening when you say good morning.

I believe in the feeling beneath my toes.

The beach gives a feeling and I'm feeling.

I believe in the ways it goes.

And it's all right.

I'm gonna make you cry.

When I'm with you I feel like I could die.

And I would be all right.

All right.

And I want something else.

To get me through this.

Life, baby, I want something else.

I'm not listening when you say good bye.

Good bye.

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Oh wait wait wait wait!

I want something else.

I'm out of breath.

This is pretty good.

Thank you. I'm not that good. I missed like half the song.

Thanks.

What?

Uh, we're here for the money.

What money?

The money that was promised to us.

Who the fuck are you?

We're friends with Teddy. He told you we were coming.

Hold on.

This guy has no idea who we are.

He better.

I mean he just said who the fuck are you?

It's fine.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Where the fuck is Teddy?

He's in Brooklyn.

Oh my god.

You got ten seconds to explain to me why you're looking for uptown mic.

Isn't that you?

Teddy owes us both money.

He said that you have the money and that we have to come up here and get it from you.

Didn't you listen to the voicemail?

I didn't get a voicemail!

Teddy says I owe him money?

That stupid motherfucker owes me money.

Tell him to get up here now.

Uh, that might be a little bit of a problem. He has a broken leg.

Then I guess I'll have to break the other one.

Was that a fucking candlestar?

Hey, don't say anything. Just be quiet.

Who is it?

Postmates.

Your slushies are here.

Ooh, you're early.

How is that?

Shit, fuck.

Fucking chance and I'm not...

Fuck!

Buddy, can you get me back in this thing?

Fucking Teddy.

Alright.

Teddy, I ain't fucking playing with you. Where's my money?

Okay, about that.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm giving you to the count of three.

Then I'm gonna go bull in a china shop. One.

Two.

Big gulp in the cabinet.

There's a big gulp in the cabinet.

It's just a thousand dollars in it.

What the fuck, Teddy?

Okay, it's a long story.

Ah, Jesus Christ!

Okay, there's another big gulp in the bathroom.

Got it.

Hand it over.

Great.

Alright.

I'm gonna keep the two grand you owe me.

Another five hundred for what you're probably gonna owe me in the future.

And another five hundred for making me come to Brooklyn, you little prick.

Excuse me?

But some of that money is ours.

Come again?

We brought you here.

Are you really just gonna fuck us out of what we're owed?

It's not fair.

Life ain't fair, princess.

Look, man, my brother's in jail.

And her cat is sick and gonna die if we don't get some of that money.

Your cat's sick?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

He has a...

kidney thing.

Man, I'm really sorry.

I got a few on my own.

I love my little guys.

What's yours named?

Frank?

I actually have two as well.

Crust and worm.

That's nasty, man.

I'm actually allergic to--

Nobody asked you!

How much you need?

Twelve hundred.

Same.

I ain't leaving without what I came here for.

Here's a thousand.

I hope the doctors cure Frank.

Thanks.

I gotta go.

Vis a vis subway stop, you're gonna want to go to 4th Street.

Yeah, I know, shithead. I know.

I'm taking a yellow cab.

Those guys need it.

Bedrock of the city.

Get the fuck out of my way.

Guess we'll just split it?

Yeah, fine.

Why'd you send us uptown?

Let's chalk it up to a lapsing judgment.

Uh, buddy, can you grab me a--

No!

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Sell my kidney.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, I'm sure I'll figure something out.

Oh, hold up. I gotta take this real quick.

No, I have to go.

Just one second.

No, I really-- I have to leave.

Hello?

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, no, everything's gonna be fine.

I mean, maybe it's like you said when we were younger,

let the punishment fit the crime or whatever.

He's never spent more than--

I have to go.

He's never spent more than 24 hours in jail.

It's good for him.

No, I'm not trying to upset you.

Mom, look, I'll FaceTime you when I get home

and we can talk about it some more.

Hey, hold on.

I'll talk to you later.

All right, bye.

Olivia!

Hold up.

What?

What are you doing?

Take it.

But why?

I need to stop doing things for other people.

I guess.

I mean, people who don't really need it.

My brother will figure his life out on his own,

but you need it, so take it.

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's fine.

Thank you.

Anyway, I--

Put your number in?

Oh, I don't know.

No, I'm just friends.

No, I know.

I know.

I just--

Okay.

I guess we'll just let it happen naturally,

running into each other.

Yeah.

I'm sure I'll see you around or something.

Cool.

You gonna take the train?

No, I'm gonna walk, actually.

All right, well, that was great.

Hang out.

Take care.

Yeah, bye.

Okay.

Sorry.

See ya.

Bye.

- Yo. - Hey, Frank.

What's up?

Not much, not much.

What you looking for?

I will have...

50/30s.

Plus my balance.

No, I don't have any 30s.

Ugh, fine. Tens.

Nada.

What the fuck, dude? Then what do you have?

No way.

I'm not trying to die.

Doesn't it have, like, fentanyl?

No, no, it's good. My shit straight.

How much is it?