All language subtitles for Bikini.House.Calls.1996.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.BZ]

Attention all Quinn University students.

The Student Med League of Dormitory 17
would like to announce the arrival of a

new topical dressing being tested for
breast augmentation procedures.

Female students with a double D cup or
under are urged to take part in this

important study.

Students in the double D division and
larger need not apply as the last

tested in this category fell forward and
suffered a severe concussion.

No fee will be provided for participants
other than the personal gratification

of contributing to the upliftment of
humanity.

Refreshments will be served in
conventional styrofoam cups.

Debbie Dissolven, please scrub up and
report to the lab for emergency

hydrotherapy. Debbie Dissolven, to the
lab immediately.

Well,

Gina, you should go to the polo match
with me tomorrow.

I didn't know you Australians liked
polo. I thought that was more of a

thing.

Well... It's an acquired taste.

But I think you'd have a good time
because you can meet some very rich men

Well, I'm game for that.

I'm tired of going Dutch all the time.

So, you and Ron haven't patched up your
differences, huh?

Well, only that one night that someone
put Spanish fly in our punch, but...

Well, actually, come to think of it, we
did have sex one more time after that.

Well, how was it?

Like beating a dead horse.

Well, that reminds me of the story of
Catherine the Great of Russia.

Was she famous for beating dead horses?

Well, actually, dear, it was the other
way around.

was this insatiable nymphomaniac who no
man could fully satisfy.

Well, I can relate.

One day, Catherine decided that she
wanted to make it with a horse.

A horse?

Yeah, a horse. So she had the palace
engineers build this tremendous harness

above her bed so that they could lower
the horse down.

What the heck?

Did she actually do it with a horse?

Oh, no.

The horse fell and it crushed her to
death.

What a horrible way to go.

I know.

At least she went with the riding boots
on.

I went to a past life there this week,
and I was regret back to my last three

incarnations. God, that sounds pretty
wild.

So, who were you in your past life?

Well, let's see.

From 1774 to 1798, I was a Zulu warrior.

Didn't live too long at that time, did
you?

Oh, no. The jungle out there.

Oh, and from 1806 to 1867, I was a
promiscuous southern belle on a Carolina

cotton plant, I think.

Wow. Who were you after that?

A nun in Vatican City.

Oh.

Um, tell me about the promiscuous
southern belle.

Oh, no, I thought you would ask me about
that one.

My name was Nellie.

Nellie Anastasia Rydell.

My father, Obadiah Rydell, made a
fortune growing cotton for a French

underpants manufacturer.

One morning when I was about 21 years
old, I was sipping a mint julep on the

veranda. A gentleman caller I'd come to
know quite well came a -calling.

It was a Frenchman named Hugh Hardon.

Monsieur Hardon was the buyer for the
underwear manufacturer over in France.

He'd come by very often to check the
crop, making sure the cotton was the

quality befitting fine ladies'
underpants.

Hugh didn't speak the English language
very well, so we developed a sort of a

romantic shorthand, knowing my daddy was
a plow in the fields.

Hugh wasted no time making his
intentions known.

We went upstairs to the room at the tip
top of the house.

There were windows all around looking
out into the trees.

We pretended we were a couple of
squirrels jumping branches outside

nuts for the long, lonely winter.

Like the gentleman that he was, you
helped me disrobe out of the cumbersome

apparel that was the fashion of the
times.

Did you ever see Hugh Hardone again?

No.

His ship sunk off the coast of the
Canary Islands.

Yeah, he went down with 1 ,100 bales of
cotton.

Yeah, well, virgin cotton, which is much
more than I can say for myself, my

dear.

What a sad ending.

Not really.

That's the nice thing about
reincarnation.

You can just keep coming back and doing
it over again.

I feel the difference.

My breath gets short, my heart sucks
down. I can't control what I'm thinking

about. Cause I always remember our first
workout.

Have you ever thought about going to be
a path -like therapist?

No way.

I mean, if I found out that I was
someone like Catherine the Great or

like that, I wouldn't be able to live
with myself.

Well, the way I see it, it wasn't her
fault she died an ignoble death.

I mean, I think that it was the product
of poor structural engineering.

Dr. Cleo Territicus, please report to
the rectal lab for an emergency marital

aid recovery operation.

Dr. Territicus, please report to the lab
immediately before the patient vibrates

to death.

Whoa, look who just walked in.

Wendy Waltzman, pre -med tractologist
extraordinaire.

No way I wouldn't touch her with a 10
-foot pole wrapped in latex.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Hi, Wendy.

We're up there at the orifice, dear.

Oh, I see we have a fledgling comedian
in our midst.

So, you think proctology is a joke, do
you?

Tony, this is my friend Ron.

Hi, Ron.

We'll see just how much Tony's funny
bone gets tickled if he ever has a

hemorrhoid that needs to be left.

Touché.

It's a tough job, but... I know, I know.

Someone's got to do it.

You know, if there's one thing I hate,
it's people who use clichés.

Kind of like wearing old, worn -out
shoes.

However, for lack of a better phrase, I
must admit...

A hard man is good at science. Oh.

Hey, the shoe fit.

hold my hand.

I'll drag!

you ever gone to bed with another woman,
Gina?

No. Why, have you?

Yeah.

In this life?

Yeah.

Did you like it?

Confession to make, Gina?

I lied about the Zulu War in the late
18th century.

Oh.

Well, then, who were you then? I mean,
Betsy Ross or Florence Nightingale

or, you know?

matches you a

habits of our species have been molded
over millennia of evolution.

It's all in the genes.

Yeah, I'll say.

How's a 10 -foot pole, Tony?

Last time I looked, it was 8 .4 inches
in holding.

Oh, is that a record?

No, but it's a damn good average.

Thank you, Cleo. Our test results are
10, 9, 10. You are currently tied with

Debbie Dissolvent for the lead position.

Please report to Dr. Beard's office for
a second opinion. This is the same

technique my past life therapist used on
me to help me with this.

I don't know about that. I have a really
hard time believing all that voodoo

crap.

It's just creation of your imagination.

Your eyes, they start drooping.

Feeling really heavy.

Drooping like a porno star's Wilton Fass
after an 18 -hour marathon shooting

day.

God,

I wish they'd keep that noise down there
with that ridiculous black T -shirt

contest. I mean, it's a totally
gratuitous form of entertainment.

You've obviously never had a hard -on,
Valerie.

No, I can't say that I have.

You're getting very sleepy.

Very sleepy.

Now you go back through the white light,
back to the Akashic Records, back

to the attic of your soul, just like a
high school yearbook laid out in front

you with all the memories of your past
life.

Oh, Hugh, it was you.

Qu 'est -ce que c 'est?

Non parlez -vous pas.

to give you a little French lesson that
you'll never forget.

Oh, Sally.

Are you sure this is French?

I always thought it was Latin.

You just hold your horses back, Hugh, or
I'm going to give you a crash course in

Greece. Oh.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

What's my toilet training got to do with
my aversion toward cunnilingus?

Are you two talking about me behind my
back?

No, we were just discussing Ron's
personal eating habit.

Valerie, listen, can I have a word with
Ronald, please?

Sure.

Maybe a little lip service, a little
both.

Ron, I want all the lingerie I left at
your apartment back.

I, uh... I'm sorry, Gina, I...

I washed my car this weekend.

I didn't have anything else to dry it
off with.

What? You pig.

You used... Those were my favorite under
things. I'm sorry. Look, Gina, this is

probably bad timing on my part, but I
want us to get back together again.

After you used my personal things to
buff the bumper of your car?

I'm not.

Dr. Eva Clouture, please scrub up and
report to the hydrotherapy lab for pre

dilapidated procedures.

Dr. Clouture...

Hydrotherapy. That.

the coast of the Canary Islands.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

will monitor brainwave activity to
verify that none of the participants'

are faked.

Pretzels and mouthwash will be served
immediately following the final climax

the evening.

Do you really think that

itching powder is a necessary nurse
action?

At the rampant security at the Dawn 17
part.

Someone's got to be a doctor.

Yeah, I'm afraid that's like trying to
stop a panzer division with a pea

shooter.

Rhonda Rydell of the gynecology
department.

Please report to the oral examination
room. Stat.

What do you think, Gina? Are you going
to enter the orgasm around the... Hmm.

What's the pride?

Retreat to Puerto Rico.

I'll enter if you do.

Why not?

Thank you. Please report to the
entomology for immediate delousing.

We'll be

right back.

Let's see if it works for me.

Gina I'd like to dedicate this orgasm to
my ex -boyfriend Ron

I didn't see it would sound that way
with me.

Thank you, Gina.

The panel of oral experts have given
you...

Looks like the work of a sexual
terrorist.

I wonder what this stuff is.

Oh,

yes. Oh, Jean Crowley, I had no idea you
were a supersized liar.

I heard you pick it more in the range of
a medium. Well, you can't judge a book

by its cover now, can you?

Ow! Whoa, what's the matter? I think you
just found the books of candy.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's try that again.

Take two.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's better, Dean Crawley.

I was never very big on Greek
literature.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's no thin paperback romance you're
paddling now. Oh, yeah.

That's an epic hardback novel.

Ah, let's try to find a place on the
library ship on day.

Oh, I see your decimal system's
definitely getting dewy.

I'll give it to you all, even the
footnotes.

orgasm around my thing is disgusting.
I'm blowing a whistle on these jerks

and for all.

Now,

who could that be at this hour? Beats
me.

Dean Crowley here.

Hello, Dean Crowley? Yes, this is a
concern student over at the party at

17. I want you to hear for yourself.

This is disgusting.

Yes, that's exactly what I said.

I think this kind of activity should be
stopped.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go over to that goddamn
dorm. I've had enough of this

I'm going with you.

Be awarded an all -expense -paid weekend
in Puerto Rico with the man of their

choice. The man of your choice?

Why didn't somebody tell me the trip was
with the man of your choice?

Yeah, ram it to me, baby. Yeah, bang it.

Thank you, baby.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Quite enough of you, young
lady.

Shame.

Attention. Attention, please.

As your dean of this state medical
college, I hereby outlaw these

despicable party contests.

Not only do they cater to the lowest
common denominator, but they have no...

means social value whatsoever.

Dean Cracker, I had no idea you were a
super -sized lodge.

I heard you freaking...

demand a rematch.

It's been co -

You're studying to be an eye ear nose
and throat doctor Yeah, so tell me

when was the last time you had a check

Thanks, Doc.

What did you say your name was again?

Tony. Oh, I have a terrible time with
names, especially when I start to get

drunk. Uh -huh.

Let's see how the ears are doing.

Beautiful earrings you have here.

Is this a new examination procedure?

I'm prepping the lobe region for a new
experimental technique aimed at

the libido.

I call it dirty talk therapy.

Oh, it's more like filthy talk therapy.

You should wash your mouth out with
soap, Doc. I have a better idea.

Resident Nurse Cleo Territicus, your
presence is requested in the post

facility immediately. Resident Nurse
Cleo Territicus.

This is called the Eskimo exam.

Take me to your igloo, Dr. Nanook of the
North.

Yeah, the nasal passages seem to be in
perfect order.

What about my throat?

Aren't you going to check my throat,
Doc?

Now that... That's something I'm afraid
we might have to

delve into a little deeper to get to the
root of the problem.

That's if it's okay with you.

You're the doctor.

Your test results are 9, 6, 9.

Good reading, Cleo. Please report to the
cardiovascular unit to assist in a

quadruple bypass.

The punch is good tonight, aren't you
having any?

No, I'm on a very strict diet. Fruits,
vegetables, and goat water.

Goat water?

Yeah, water that's been strained through
the beard of an alpine goat. Very high

in calcium.

your best interest to undergo a complete
physical.

How long do you think it will take to
perform this physical?

Depends on the erectability variable of
the exhaling equipment.

So why'd you break up with your
boyfriend, Gina?

Well, he couldn't satisfy me in bed.

You know, Ron had no problem with me
giving him head for half an hour, but

it came time to reverse the polarities,
he'd complain about terminal lockjaw.

So, Ron, why did Gina break up with you?
I don't know.

Beats the hell out of me.

Thank you.

Your lab report is 8 -9 -7.

A very respectable showing, Lisa.

Dr. Schulholster would like to see you
in his office to go over your statistics

one more time.

I can't do a job of mopping this up for
you.

You certainly do a very thorough job.

Sally.

Listen, Sally.

There's a room upstairs.

It's a little more private.

Maybe you could do a more thorough job
of mopping me up.

Oh, yes, dear.

See,

Ron, I mean, I wouldn't worry about Jean
at all. I mean, there's just too many

fish in the sea.

Looks like those two are about to go
scuba diving, huh?

Why would my snorkeling up on one of
their great barrier reefs?

Yeah, me neither.

the loogie in it or something?

No, Four Eyes McConaughey dumped an
aphrodisiac in the punch bowl.

Oh, come on, Lester.

There's no such thing as a real
aphrodisiac. You know that.

Okay, I remember you said that when you
were dry huffing the furniture later on.

I'm definitely getting bugged off this
punch.

I think I'll take a pass on the punch.
Yeah, that's a good idea.

Not that I think there's an aphrodisiac
in there or anything. I just think

that's... Whoa!

Hello.

What'd I tell you?

There's some fucking flowers.

You know, to tell you the truth, I
haven't missed Ron a bit since I've been

making it with Caravaggio.

Ooh, Caravaggio. Is he Italian?

Made in Taiwan.

Taiwan?

Yeah, Caravaggio is what I named my
vibrator.

Your vibrator? Yeah.

Oh, my God, I should have known.

I got a nine -inch at home I called Bud.

Bud!

You know, Ron, women have a much harder
time getting over relationships than men

do. Yeah.

Gina's probably crying her eyes out
right about now.

Bud.

That's classic.

Maybe we should all go out on a double
date sometime, you, me, and Caravaggio.

And Bud.

Your test results are 10, 6, 8, tying
you with the other two participants.

Since these results are not
conclusive...

The panel of examiners has requested the
three of you to come back for more

through examination at another time.

I've been in love a few times before.

over me but even the dorkiest guys are
starting to look doable come on get a

hold of yourself gina

Big head you got on that. There, there,
big boy.

Need any help making it go down?

and if they see what's going on, our
asses are grass.

Look, we got a fight for us. I'm whipped
up in air. I know.

It's getting stronger every minute.

That magic feeling's in it.

We just can't stop it quitting between
me and you.

Young man, what on earth is going on out
there?

That's the mid -dance grade.

That's the horizontal and bottom.

Yeah, that's what it is. It's the
horizontal and bottom.

What ever happened to those night
donkeys? Like the boog and the what?

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

I want you.

Take me.

Ravish me.

I relish the thought.

What? What?

Look, Dean Crowley and Nurse Hattery are
here, man.

You've got to come up with an endo for
the aphrodisiac. Quick!

Can't wait a few minutes. Can't you see
I'm in the middle of something very

important here?

Yeah, yeah, but look, it's like Cupid's
gymnasium out there.

Look, if we don't do something now, the
whole dorm's going to get expelled and

we will never become doctors.

Battle stations.

Attention all hospital personnel.

Please stand advised that emergency
procedures must be implemented in

17.

Immediately. But why are they throwing
condoms out on the dance floor?

That's a safe sex drill.

A safe sex drill?

We do it at least once a week. It keeps
us in a concentrated preparedness.

Huh. Sure.

Gina,

think of what this could do to your
reputation.

Would you like to dance?

Yeah.

Red pepper sauce.

Not now.

Valerie, have you seen Gina?

Yeah, she just went up to the tunnel a
little bit.

That prick, I'll kill her.

Philosophers have been asking that
question since the dawn of time.

Excellent. The antidote works for us. We
don't have any time to philosophize. If

we don't get out and dance with her
right away, we are all going to be

screwed.

Care for some chip and dip?

Let's go, everybody out. The house is on
fire. Come on, move it.

We're out of luck. Come on, come on,
come on.

Not so fast, they're missing.

Time to put out the fire, baby.

Well, keep up the good work.

Will do, sir.

Oh, yes, all right.

Oh,

you're even better than Caravaggio.

Who the hell is Caravaggio?