Original subtitles

Attention all Quinn University students.

The Student Med League of Dormitory 17 would like to announce the arrival of a

new topical dressing being tested for breast augmentation procedures.

Female students with a double D cup or under are urged to take part in this

important study.

Students in the double D division and larger need not apply as the last

tested in this category fell forward and suffered a severe concussion.

No fee will be provided for participants other than the personal gratification

of contributing to the upliftment of humanity.

Refreshments will be served in conventional styrofoam cups.

Debbie Dissolven, please scrub up and report to the lab for emergency

hydrotherapy. Debbie Dissolven, to the lab immediately.

Well,

Gina, you should go to the polo match with me tomorrow.

I didn't know you Australians liked polo. I thought that was more of a

thing.

Well... It's an acquired taste.

But I think you'd have a good time because you can meet some very rich men

Well, I'm game for that.

I'm tired of going Dutch all the time.

So, you and Ron haven't patched up your differences, huh?

Well, only that one night that someone put Spanish fly in our punch, but...

Well, actually, come to think of it, we did have sex one more time after that.

Well, how was it?

Like beating a dead horse.

Well, that reminds me of the story of Catherine the Great of Russia.

Was she famous for beating dead horses?

Well, actually, dear, it was the other way around.

was this insatiable nymphomaniac who no man could fully satisfy.

Well, I can relate.

One day, Catherine decided that she wanted to make it with a horse.

A horse?

Yeah, a horse. So she had the palace engineers build this tremendous harness

above her bed so that they could lower the horse down.

What the heck?

Did she actually do it with a horse?

Oh, no.

The horse fell and it crushed her to death.

What a horrible way to go.

I know.

At least she went with the riding boots on.

I went to a past life there this week, and I was regret back to my last three

incarnations. God, that sounds pretty wild.

So, who were you in your past life?

Well, let's see.

From 1774 to 1798, I was a Zulu warrior.

Didn't live too long at that time, did you?

Oh, no. The jungle out there.

Oh, and from 1806 to 1867, I was a promiscuous southern belle on a Carolina

cotton plant, I think.

Wow. Who were you after that?

A nun in Vatican City.

Oh.

Um, tell me about the promiscuous southern belle.

Oh, no, I thought you would ask me about that one.

My name was Nellie.

Nellie Anastasia Rydell.

My father, Obadiah Rydell, made a fortune growing cotton for a French

underpants manufacturer.

One morning when I was about 21 years old, I was sipping a mint julep on the

veranda. A gentleman caller I'd come to know quite well came a -calling.

It was a Frenchman named Hugh Hardon.

Monsieur Hardon was the buyer for the underwear manufacturer over in France.

He'd come by very often to check the crop, making sure the cotton was the

quality befitting fine ladies' underpants.

Hugh didn't speak the English language very well, so we developed a sort of a

romantic shorthand, knowing my daddy was a plow in the fields.

Hugh wasted no time making his intentions known.

We went upstairs to the room at the tip top of the house.

There were windows all around looking out into the trees.

We pretended we were a couple of squirrels jumping branches outside

nuts for the long, lonely winter.

Like the gentleman that he was, you helped me disrobe out of the cumbersome

apparel that was the fashion of the times.

Did you ever see Hugh Hardone again?

No.

His ship sunk off the coast of the Canary Islands.

Yeah, he went down with 1 ,100 bales of cotton.

Yeah, well, virgin cotton, which is much more than I can say for myself, my

dear.

What a sad ending.

Not really.

That's the nice thing about reincarnation.

You can just keep coming back and doing it over again.

I feel the difference.

My breath gets short, my heart sucks down. I can't control what I'm thinking

about. Cause I always remember our first workout.

Have you ever thought about going to be a path -like therapist?

No way.

I mean, if I found out that I was someone like Catherine the Great or

like that, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Well, the way I see it, it wasn't her fault she died an ignoble death.

I mean, I think that it was the product of poor structural engineering.

Dr. Cleo Territicus, please report to the rectal lab for an emergency marital

aid recovery operation.

Dr. Territicus, please report to the lab immediately before the patient vibrates

to death.

Whoa, look who just walked in.

Wendy Waltzman, pre -med tractologist extraordinaire.

No way I wouldn't touch her with a 10 -foot pole wrapped in latex.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Hi, Wendy.

We're up there at the orifice, dear.

Oh, I see we have a fledgling comedian in our midst.

So, you think proctology is a joke, do you?

Tony, this is my friend Ron.

Hi, Ron.

We'll see just how much Tony's funny bone gets tickled if he ever has a

hemorrhoid that needs to be left.

Touché.

It's a tough job, but... I know, I know.

Someone's got to do it.

You know, if there's one thing I hate, it's people who use clichés.

Kind of like wearing old, worn -out shoes.

However, for lack of a better phrase, I must admit...

A hard man is good at science. Oh.

Hey, the shoe fit.

hold my hand.

I'll drag!

you ever gone to bed with another woman, Gina?

No. Why, have you?

Yeah.

In this life?

Yeah.

Did you like it?

Confession to make, Gina?

I lied about the Zulu War in the late 18th century.

Oh.

Well, then, who were you then? I mean, Betsy Ross or Florence Nightingale

or, you know?

matches you a

habits of our species have been molded over millennia of evolution.

It's all in the genes.

Yeah, I'll say.

How's a 10 -foot pole, Tony?

Last time I looked, it was 8 .4 inches in holding.

Oh, is that a record?

No, but it's a damn good average.

Thank you, Cleo. Our test results are 10, 9, 10. You are currently tied with

Debbie Dissolvent for the lead position.

Please report to Dr. Beard's office for a second opinion. This is the same

technique my past life therapist used on me to help me with this.

I don't know about that. I have a really hard time believing all that voodoo

crap.

It's just creation of your imagination.

Your eyes, they start drooping.

Feeling really heavy.

Drooping like a porno star's Wilton Fass after an 18 -hour marathon shooting

day.

God,

I wish they'd keep that noise down there with that ridiculous black T -shirt

contest. I mean, it's a totally gratuitous form of entertainment.

You've obviously never had a hard -on, Valerie.

No, I can't say that I have.

You're getting very sleepy.

Very sleepy.

Now you go back through the white light, back to the Akashic Records, back

to the attic of your soul, just like a high school yearbook laid out in front

you with all the memories of your past life.

Oh, Hugh, it was you.

Qu 'est -ce que c 'est?

Non parlez -vous pas.

to give you a little French lesson that you'll never forget.

Oh, Sally.

Are you sure this is French?

I always thought it was Latin.

You just hold your horses back, Hugh, or I'm going to give you a crash course in

Greece. Oh.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

What's my toilet training got to do with my aversion toward cunnilingus?

Are you two talking about me behind my back?

No, we were just discussing Ron's personal eating habit.

Valerie, listen, can I have a word with Ronald, please?

Sure.

Maybe a little lip service, a little both.

Ron, I want all the lingerie I left at your apartment back.

I, uh... I'm sorry, Gina, I...

I washed my car this weekend.

I didn't have anything else to dry it off with.

What? You pig.

You used... Those were my favorite under things. I'm sorry. Look, Gina, this is

probably bad timing on my part, but I want us to get back together again.

After you used my personal things to buff the bumper of your car?

I'm not.

Dr. Eva Clouture, please scrub up and report to the hydrotherapy lab for pre

dilapidated procedures.

Dr. Clouture...

Hydrotherapy. That.

the coast of the Canary Islands.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

will monitor brainwave activity to verify that none of the participants'

are faked.

Pretzels and mouthwash will be served immediately following the final climax

the evening.

Do you really think that

itching powder is a necessary nurse action?

At the rampant security at the Dawn 17 part.

Someone's got to be a doctor.

Yeah, I'm afraid that's like trying to stop a panzer division with a pea

shooter.

Rhonda Rydell of the gynecology department.

Please report to the oral examination room. Stat.

What do you think, Gina? Are you going to enter the orgasm around the... Hmm.

What's the pride?

Retreat to Puerto Rico.

I'll enter if you do.

Why not?

Thank you. Please report to the entomology for immediate delousing.

We'll be

right back.

Let's see if it works for me.

Gina I'd like to dedicate this orgasm to my ex -boyfriend Ron

I didn't see it would sound that way with me.

Thank you, Gina.

The panel of oral experts have given you...

Looks like the work of a sexual terrorist.

I wonder what this stuff is.

Oh,

yes. Oh, Jean Crowley, I had no idea you were a supersized liar.

I heard you pick it more in the range of a medium. Well, you can't judge a book

by its cover now, can you?

Ow! Whoa, what's the matter? I think you just found the books of candy.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's try that again.

Take two.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's better, Dean Crawley.

I was never very big on Greek literature.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's no thin paperback romance you're paddling now. Oh, yeah.

That's an epic hardback novel.

Ah, let's try to find a place on the library ship on day.

Oh, I see your decimal system's definitely getting dewy.

I'll give it to you all, even the footnotes.

orgasm around my thing is disgusting. I'm blowing a whistle on these jerks

and for all.

Now,

who could that be at this hour? Beats me.

Dean Crowley here.

Hello, Dean Crowley? Yes, this is a concern student over at the party at

17. I want you to hear for yourself.

This is disgusting.

Yes, that's exactly what I said.

I think this kind of activity should be stopped.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go over to that goddamn dorm. I've had enough of this

I'm going with you.

Be awarded an all -expense -paid weekend in Puerto Rico with the man of their

choice. The man of your choice?

Why didn't somebody tell me the trip was with the man of your choice?

Yeah, ram it to me, baby. Yeah, bang it.

Thank you, baby.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Quite enough of you, young lady.

Shame.

Attention. Attention, please.

As your dean of this state medical college, I hereby outlaw these

despicable party contests.

Not only do they cater to the lowest common denominator, but they have no...

means social value whatsoever.

Dean Cracker, I had no idea you were a super -sized lodge.

I heard you freaking...

demand a rematch.

It's been co -

You're studying to be an eye ear nose and throat doctor Yeah, so tell me

when was the last time you had a check

Thanks, Doc.

What did you say your name was again?

Tony. Oh, I have a terrible time with names, especially when I start to get

drunk. Uh -huh.

Let's see how the ears are doing.

Beautiful earrings you have here.

Is this a new examination procedure?

I'm prepping the lobe region for a new experimental technique aimed at

the libido.

I call it dirty talk therapy.

Oh, it's more like filthy talk therapy.

You should wash your mouth out with soap, Doc. I have a better idea.

Resident Nurse Cleo Territicus, your presence is requested in the post

facility immediately. Resident Nurse Cleo Territicus.

This is called the Eskimo exam.

Take me to your igloo, Dr. Nanook of the North.

Yeah, the nasal passages seem to be in perfect order.

What about my throat?

Aren't you going to check my throat, Doc?

Now that... That's something I'm afraid we might have to

delve into a little deeper to get to the root of the problem.

That's if it's okay with you.

You're the doctor.

Your test results are 9, 6, 9.

Good reading, Cleo. Please report to the cardiovascular unit to assist in a

quadruple bypass.

The punch is good tonight, aren't you having any?

No, I'm on a very strict diet. Fruits, vegetables, and goat water.

Goat water?

Yeah, water that's been strained through the beard of an alpine goat. Very high

in calcium.

your best interest to undergo a complete physical.

How long do you think it will take to perform this physical?

Depends on the erectability variable of the exhaling equipment.

So why'd you break up with your boyfriend, Gina?

Well, he couldn't satisfy me in bed.

You know, Ron had no problem with me giving him head for half an hour, but

it came time to reverse the polarities, he'd complain about terminal lockjaw.

So, Ron, why did Gina break up with you? I don't know.

Beats the hell out of me.

Thank you.

Your lab report is 8 -9 -7.

A very respectable showing, Lisa.

Dr. Schulholster would like to see you in his office to go over your statistics

one more time.

I can't do a job of mopping this up for you.

You certainly do a very thorough job.

Sally.

Listen, Sally.

There's a room upstairs.

It's a little more private.

Maybe you could do a more thorough job of mopping me up.

Oh, yes, dear.

See,

Ron, I mean, I wouldn't worry about Jean at all. I mean, there's just too many

fish in the sea.

Looks like those two are about to go scuba diving, huh?

Why would my snorkeling up on one of their great barrier reefs?

Yeah, me neither.

the loogie in it or something?

No, Four Eyes McConaughey dumped an aphrodisiac in the punch bowl.

Oh, come on, Lester.

There's no such thing as a real aphrodisiac. You know that.

Okay, I remember you said that when you were dry huffing the furniture later on.

I'm definitely getting bugged off this punch.

I think I'll take a pass on the punch. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Not that I think there's an aphrodisiac in there or anything. I just think

that's... Whoa!

Hello.

What'd I tell you?

There's some fucking flowers.

You know, to tell you the truth, I haven't missed Ron a bit since I've been

making it with Caravaggio.

Ooh, Caravaggio. Is he Italian?

Made in Taiwan.

Taiwan?

Yeah, Caravaggio is what I named my vibrator.

Your vibrator? Yeah.

Oh, my God, I should have known.

I got a nine -inch at home I called Bud.

Bud!

You know, Ron, women have a much harder time getting over relationships than men

do. Yeah.

Gina's probably crying her eyes out right about now.

Bud.

That's classic.

Maybe we should all go out on a double date sometime, you, me, and Caravaggio.

And Bud.

Your test results are 10, 6, 8, tying you with the other two participants.

Since these results are not conclusive...

The panel of examiners has requested the three of you to come back for more

through examination at another time.

I've been in love a few times before.

over me but even the dorkiest guys are starting to look doable come on get a

hold of yourself gina

Big head you got on that. There, there, big boy.

Need any help making it go down?

and if they see what's going on, our asses are grass.

Look, we got a fight for us. I'm whipped up in air. I know.

It's getting stronger every minute.

That magic feeling's in it.

We just can't stop it quitting between me and you.

Young man, what on earth is going on out there?

That's the mid -dance grade.

That's the horizontal and bottom.

Yeah, that's what it is. It's the horizontal and bottom.

What ever happened to those night donkeys? Like the boog and the what?

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

I want you.

Take me.

Ravish me.

I relish the thought.

What? What?

Look, Dean Crowley and Nurse Hattery are here, man.

You've got to come up with an endo for the aphrodisiac. Quick!

Can't wait a few minutes. Can't you see I'm in the middle of something very

important here?

Yeah, yeah, but look, it's like Cupid's gymnasium out there.

Look, if we don't do something now, the whole dorm's going to get expelled and

we will never become doctors.

Battle stations.

Attention all hospital personnel.

Please stand advised that emergency procedures must be implemented in

17.

Immediately. But why are they throwing condoms out on the dance floor?

That's a safe sex drill.

A safe sex drill?

We do it at least once a week. It keeps us in a concentrated preparedness.

Huh. Sure.

Gina,

think of what this could do to your reputation.

Would you like to dance?

Yeah.

Red pepper sauce.

Not now.

Valerie, have you seen Gina?

Yeah, she just went up to the tunnel a little bit.

That prick, I'll kill her.

Philosophers have been asking that question since the dawn of time.

Excellent. The antidote works for us. We don't have any time to philosophize. If

we don't get out and dance with her right away, we are all going to be

screwed.

Care for some chip and dip?

Let's go, everybody out. The house is on fire. Come on, move it.

We're out of luck. Come on, come on, come on.

Not so fast, they're missing.

Time to put out the fire, baby.

Well, keep up the good work.

Will do, sir.

Oh, yes, all right.

Oh,

you're even better than Caravaggio.

Who the hell is Caravaggio?