Original subtitles

[ ♪ tragic, romantic music ♪ ]

- (MAN) Miss Talbot.

Miss Talbot, wait!

I can no longer repress my feelings–

- (WOMAN) Sir, I implore you to hold your tongue.

- (MAN) You must allow me to confess–

- (WOMAN) You leave for London tomorrow,

you can have no reasonable confessions to make.

- (MAN) Then let me be unreasonable.

- Please, Mr. Dickley.

You are engaged

to Miss Bumblesnatch.

- (DICKLEY) Have you not heard?

Miss Bumblesnatch has run away with Sir Hangledangers.

- Then you are no longer attached.

- No.

Miss Talbot,

from our first walk you've captivated me,

mind and spirit.

My heart has been and always will be yours.

Therefore, I humbly ask...

Will you...

...do me the honor of...

...blood.

- Hm?

- (DICKLEY) You're bleeding.

- Oh. No.

- (DICKLEY) You are hurt.

- No. No, it's just- just-

Just finish what you were saying.

- We must get you back at once.

- No, really, it's fine.

[ ♪ tense, Baroque music ♪ ]

[panting]

- (DICKLEY) Why do you live so far away?

- (GIRL) ♪ Down by the red, red river... ♪

[distant singing continues] [snoring]

[bang!]

- (DICKLEY) Help! Come quickly!

Mr. Talbot! Miss Labinia!

- (LABINIA) Mr. Dickley.

- (DICKLEY) Miss Labinia.

- (LABINIA) What's the matter?

- (FATHER) Mr. Dickley?

- (DICKLEY) Mr. Talbot, I... - (FATHER) Essy?!

- (ESSY) Father...

- (MRS. BITTS) Mr. James Dickley, sir-

- (DICKLEY) There is no time.

We must stop the bleeding.

- This way.

- (GIRL) ♪ Ruby kisses mine to greet–

[door opens]

- (LABINIA) On the settee.

- (GIRL) What's going on? - (LABINIA) Shush!

- Mr. Dickley, what on earth...

- (GIRL) Is she alright?

- Use this as a tourniquet.

- Is she dying?!

- I shall fetch the doctor.

- (MRS. BITTS) Mr. James Dick...ley....

- My dear sister, what has happened?

- Mr. Dickley was about to propose marriage–

- Ooh! - Yay!

- (FATHER) Your mother would be so proud.

- But!

I started early.

- I will be in my study.

- Why does Mr. Dickley call for a doctor?

- He mistakes the blood for a wound.

[GIRL giggles]

- (LABINIA) Vagianna, give us the room, please.

- Papá says you have to include me.

- Go now.

- I'm a woman, too.

- Well, actually Vagianna,

I am in desperate need of a rag.

- On it.

- (LABINIA) Essy...

perhaps we can salvage this proposal yet.

If Mr. Dickley does not realize his mistake

then when he returns, you can tell him that you...

ran into a bush

with thorns,

and it pierced your thigh.

- A bush pierced my thigh?

- Yes, and you must writhe in pain.

- Don't be ridiculous.

I will simply tell him the truth.

- Are you out of your fucking mind?

- I'm sure if I explain–

- You cannot discuss it with him!

- He will certainly find the misunderstanding

quite amusing.

- No, we can't risk it.

It's best to play the wounded lamb.

In fact, perhaps we should add more blood.

- (VAGIANNA) Here are the rags!

- Forget the rags. Fetch a chicken for slaughter.

- On it!

- (ESSY) No, leave the– - (VAGIANNA) I said I’m on it!

- Labinia, I love this man

and I do not wish to begin our life together with a lie.

- Don't you see?

There will be no life together.

James Dickley will not marry a woman so brazen

as to blather on about her bloody bits.

[door opens]

[running feet]

[chicken squawk]

- (VAGIANNA) Women's business!

- (LABINIA) Ladies don't talk about it, and men don't ask

and we've all got on fine for centuries.

- No, we haven't.

Women have suffered alone and died a lot.

- The chicken! - (LABINIA) Bring it here.

- (ESSY) Labinia, please don't kill the chicken.

- It's lived a good life.

- Don't you think the doctor will see right through?

[chicken cluck]

- Vagianna, stab her in the leg.

- What?!

- (LABINIA) You want to be a woman,

this is what it is to be a woman.

- (ESSY) Vagianna, women don't stab women.

- (LABINIA) It's for her own good. Hurry, girl.

- Labinia!

- What do I do?!

- Fetch me a rag!

- Essy, I swear, if you tell Mr. Dickley–

- (DICKLEY) Tell me what?

[chicken squawk]

- (MRS. BITTS) Mr. James Dick–

- (LABINIA) Yes, thank you.

Back so soon?

- Your neighbour, Mr. Chubley, has sent for the doctor.

- Oh, thank heavens. - That won't be necessary.

- How is she?

- She is dying. - A little irritated,

but otherwise...

- Sister,

I would like to request

a private audience with Mr. Dickley.

- Sister, I do not think it wise

given your fragile state.

- Sister,

it is my dying wish.

- (VAGIANNA) Come here, Snow White.

[violent flapping, clucking]

- (VAGIANNA) Sorry.

[ ♪ suspenseful music ♪ ]

Mr. Dickley, I do not require a physician.

- Don't say that.

Just hold on a little while longer.

- No, you see, I am bleeding.

- Yes, I know.

- From my...

nethers.

Oh.

Miss Talbot, color me relieved.

I was once kicked by my horse.

Got me right in the intestines.

I pissed blood for two weeks.

Happens to the best of us.

- No, it's not that.

I am...

menstruating.

- Mens to what?

- Period? I got my period.

- (LABINIA) Father, you must do something.

She is throwing away her future.

- Perhaps not.

Mr. Dickley is a reasonable man

and highly educated.

- Blood.

Outside body. Good.

- And it is not only blood.

Also bits of tissue from my uterus

and mucus from my–

- She is talking about her cervix.

- Cer...vix?

- Yes, cer-vix.

- My cousin.

- What?

- My cousin, Sir William Vicks

Has he done this to you?

- No no! No one has done this to me.

It is perfectly natural.

Happens to most all women.

- Most all women? - Yes.

- I know some 50-or-so women.

Surely I'd have heard about it.

- We are not meant to speak of it.

- So but...

Does it hurt?

- Well, yes.

There are painful contractions as the...

uterine lining sloughs off.

- Stop talking. Why is she still talking?

- Surely that's the worst of it.

- Sh!

[♪ bright Baroque music ♪] - Most of the time, I am perfectly capable

of carrying on with daily life.

Although, sometimes all I can do

is lie down and eat chocolates.

- Cho-co-lates...

- Sometimes it gets a bit messy, obviously.

- So you cannot hold it in?

- No, it just sort of goes.

- Blood just gushes forth?

- Well, it doesn't exactly gush, it um...

Hunnnhh...

- Like...

diarrhea?

- Except diarrhea is unhealthy,

and this is very healthy.

But period diarrhea is a thing.

- God in heaven.

- You should have stabbed her when you had the chance.

- (MRS. BITTS) Sh!

- (ESSY) So the point of it all is really for fertility.

You need the uterus to be plump.

The baby grows and then it

comes out the cervix.

Very large.

And the head and the shoulders

and the feet just go

and that is where babies come from.

- Wow.

- It is all rather...remarkable.

- So when will you be better?

- It lasts about six days.

- Oh.

Not long at all.

- To be clear, it happens every month.

- Bloody hell!

- But that's why I wanted to tell you.

Because if I am to marry y- someone,

I would want that person to know.

[chicken squawk]

(ALL) Shh!!

I never intended to cause you distress

and I shall understand if this conversation

will be our last.

- I am distressed.

But only...

by the notion that I would ever leave you.

[ ♪ sweet, tender music ♪ ] I want to know.

I want to know everything about you.

I want to see your face every day.

I want to hear your thoughts.

I want to bring you

chocolates when you are cramping.

I love you,

Estrogenia.

Will you... do me the honor...of...

- Yes.

- Yeah? - Yes yes yes yes.

[ ♪ romantic music swells ♪ ]

[door opens] [cheering, clapping]

- (MRS. BITTS) Mr. and Mrs. James Dickley!

- (MAN) Hello?

I'm Dr. Bangley. I was told someone was dying.

- It is I.

I am dying.

[ ♪ bright pop song ♪ ]

♪ Slide up, slide up, slide up boy ♪

♪ imma take you higher ♪

♪ Red wings fly you round, round, round ♪

♪ Better put a towel down, down, down, down ♪

♪ Slide up, slide up, slide up boy ♪

♪ imma, imma certify ya ♪

♪ Red wings fly you round, round, round... ♪

- Oh, I told mamá all about you.

- Oh. And does Lady Catamenia approve?

- Oh yes.

Though, I dare say she was surprised

when I told her about your menstruations.

- You did what?

- Yes, and I asked about hers.

- You what?

- I can't believe she hadn't heard of period diarrhea.

- God in heaven.

♪ Slide up, slide up, slide up boy ♪

♪ imma take you higher ♪

♪ Red wings fly you round, round, round ♪

♪ Better put a towel down, down, down, down ♪

♪ Boy, let me teach you how to fly, love ♪

♪ Cuz tonight we're going to join the Mile High Club ♪

♪ Red paint drippy, drippy on your thigh, love ♪

♪ Hurricanoes on a bloody high, love ♪

♪ Take off on a countdown. We goin’ downtown ♪

♪ Runway split, wave you in for a touch down ♪

♪ Smash landing into the ground ♪

♪ Yeah, if he a real one he put a towel down, ♪

♪ down, down ♪

♪ Slide up, slide up, slide up, boy ♪

♪ imma take you higher ♪

♪ Red wings fly you round, round, round ♪

♪ Better put a towel down, down, down, down ♪

♪ Slide up, slide up, slide up boy ♪

♪ imma, imma certify ya ♪

♪ Red wings fly you round, round, round ♪

♪ Better put a towel down, down ♪