Original subtitles

[ Rory ]: Previously on Gilmore Girls:

- Oh, my God, I'm going to Chilton? - You did it, babe. You got in.

- I told Mom you're changing schools. - Is she thrilled?

The party's on Friday.

Are you moving?

No, just my books are.

- Ready? - Yes.

Headmaster Charleston will see you.

You may have been the smartest girl at Stars Hollow, but this is a different place.

You'll never catch up, and you'll never beat me.

There is a good chance you will fail.

- Who's that? - New girl.

Stay out of my way. I will make this school a living hell for you.

See you tomorrow, Mary.

- They kept calling me Mary. - Mary, like Virgin Mary.

What would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?

They might have added a "Magdalene" to it.

- Shopping for school supplies. Party. - Nobody demanded that you come.

Are you kidding? How often do you do things like this?

I was thinking, while we're going crazy, we should get toilet paper and a plunger.

I'll do this later.

- No, I'm teasing. Come on, get that list of yours. - Okay.

- I need legal pads... - Got it.

- ...tons of pens. - Right. - Some number 2 pencils, three highlighters, an eraser,

a staple remover, and a folder.

- You need three highlighters? - Yes. - Three? - Yes.

- That's a very random number. - Three is not a random number.

No, but I mean, how did you get to the number three?

One dries up, one gets lost, I have one left.

- You have really thought this out. - Yes, I have.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

- Can we get back to the list? - All right. Ooh, hey, legal pads.

- No. Those are purple. - Yes. Purple is festive.

- I can't have purple. - You can. They're on sale.

I'm going to a serious school, I need serious paper.

- Paper is paper. - Not at Chilton.

- All right, fine. Here's your serious paper. - Thank you.

Ooh, and here are your somber highlighters, your maudlin pencils,

- your manic-depressive pens. - Mom.

Now, these erasers are on lithium, so they may seem cheerful,

but we actually caught them trying to shove themselves in the pencil sharpener.

and make them give up their wacky, crazy ways.

You're never coming shopping with me again.

Ooh, here's a card tray. Everything is gonna...

♪ If you're out on the road ♪

♪ Feelin' lonely and so cold ♪

♪ All you have to do is call my name ♪

♪ And I'll be there on the next train ♪

♪ Where you lead, I will follow ♪

♪ Anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ If you need If you need ♪

♪ You need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Where you lead ♪

♪ I will follow ♪

♪ Anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ If you need If you need ♪

♪ You need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow where you lead ♪♪

[ Max ]: Decent effort by most. Good effort by some.

Exceptional effort by two.

Miss Geller. Miss Grant.

Miss Graham. Miss Gilmore.

Take these home. Learn from your mistakes.

Look at the large red circles around various parts of your paper

as friendly reminders that to err is human.

And that here at Chilton, we try to beat that humanity right out of you.

Okay, next up. The test.

The dreaded test. Shakespeare!

The man we've been droning on about for the last three weeks,

finally comes back to haunt us on Friday.

This is a big one, my friends. Multiple-choice, with an essay section

that will count for 20% of your grade this semester.

And don't be fooled by my kind face and charming personality.

- This test will be hard, and there will be no make-ups. - [ bell ringing ]

Refer to the study materials that I gave you at the beginning of the month,

and those extensive notes I know you've been taking.

- Hard paper. - Killer.

- How did you do? - "A."

Me, too!

- Small world. - Isn't it?

- Madeline, what did you get? - You know I got a "B."

- A "B's" not bad. It's respectable even. - Not at all.

I'd be proud.

A "D," however, that would be cause for concern.

A cry for help.

A job application at McDonald's.

"Would you like fries with that?"

Hey, you know, not everybody can be smart.

As my mother always says, "Somebody has to answer the phones."

I have no idea what you two are talking about.

No, but Rory does.

[ woman speaking over P.A. system ]

Hey, Mary!

And it just keeps getting better.

- You look sad. - I'm fine.

- Bad grade? - I have to go.

You know what, Mary, I just can't figure out why we're not friends.

I think it's because I make you nervous.

I think it's because you can't learn my name.

- Do you have a boyfriend? - None of your business.

- Is that a no? - Is there no one else you can bother?

- I think you like me. You just don't know how to say it. - Oh, boy.

- What are you doing Friday night? - I'm busy.

What, you gotta be back at the convent by 5:00?

Please leave me alone.

All right. Since you said "please."

Later, Mary.

[ birds chirping ]

[ groaning ]

- Oh, you imbecile! - Back off, chevalier.

- Mmm, you're stupid, blind, and clumsy. - At least I'm not French.

- What's going on? - She ran over my shoe.

- He got in the way. - You aimed for me.

- Okay, hold on. - She scratched my shoes.

- What a baby. - These are $300 Italian loafers.

I wonder if Versace makes a pacifier.

- You're fired. - Excuse me? - You can't fire me.

- Then I dock your pay. - All right. - Can I kill her? - Not before high tea.

Fine, then I will curse you constantly and in several languages.

- I'm going for the other foot. - Oh, don't! Drella, to your corner now.

I win.

- Michel, you're a grown man. Now go to your desk and act like one. - Hmm.

[ gasps ]

Oh, my God.

Sookie, Sookie!

- [ Sookie ]: Okay, okay, just a minute. - I've got it.

The review?

- It's here. - Ooh, where is it?

- I'm looking. - [ door banging ] Hurry.

Oh. Behold, in theaters now, "The Thing That Reads a Lot."

- Chocolate? - Glass measuring cup.

- Lorelai, look. - I'm sorry.

- Jeez, who's naked? - Uh, Lucien Mills, food critic.

Yeah? How's his butt?

No, no, he was supposed to review the restaurant. Oh, here it is.

Is it...is it good? Is he... is he mean? Should I cry?

Here we go.

"The words 'divine,' 'delectable,' and 'delirious'

"don't begin to describe the delicious experience

"of dining at the Independence Inn." I'm smelling rave.

Really?

"Only Chef Sookie St. James could make a simple salad

"of hothouse tomatoes and assorted fresh herbs seem like a religious experience.

"Her lobster bisque is worth every sinful, cream-filled, rich sip."

See, I don't use that much cream. I just use a very concentrated lobster stock.

- And it really makes it... - He's not here.

Okay, go on.

"The entrees are as heavenly as the starters.

"Though the much-lauded risotto was perfectly fine,

"it was the handkerchief pasta with brown sage in a butter sauce

"that sent me through the roof."

Sookie, this is unbelievable! I'm going to have this framed for the dining room!

- Oh, yeah, that'd be swell. Can I see that again? - Yeah.

So we should celebrate tonight, huh? Girls on the town?

I can't. I have to study.

You know, I should really get started on this shopping list.

What is going on here? We are young and fiery women.

Studying? Shopping lists?

Where's "to hell with it all"? Where's "throwing caution to the wind"?

Where...oh, shoot, the linen delivery.

You go, girl.

[ man on T.V. ]: ...and the "Person of the Week" segment.

- [ Lorelai ]: News is on! - One sec.

For our top story tonight, a grisly, horrible thing happened in a small town

where no grisly, horrible things ever happen. Everyone's shocked!

House slides down hill. Liposuction kills. Stay fat.

[ sighs ]

Hey, let's get ice cream. I'm bored.

Hello?

Mom, I'm studying.

Yeah, but I'm talking ice cream. Can't you take a break?

- I can't take a break right now. - Okay. When?

- Are you four? - No, I'm hungry.

- Have some more pizza. - It's cold.

- Heat it up. - It's not the same.

Lorelai, go to your room!

Wow, smart girls are mean.

If you let me study now, I'll play with you this weekend.

- Promise? - Yes. We can do anything you want.

- Will you go to the shoe sale with me? - Yes.

- Will you let me try on anything I want? - Yes.

Will you help push other people out of the way if they're going for my size?

I'll even run interference for you.

- All right, you've got a deal. - Good.

So, I'm sorry...where did we land on the whole ice cream issue?

What?

[ door closes ]

- Lane? - [ Lane ]: Rory?

- Right or left? - Left.

I thought you said left.

- Sorry. My left, your right. - Okay.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Hey, Marco.

Hey, Polo.

- You're late. - Sorry.

What is that?

12 calories.

- Here. - Oh, my God, bless you.

- Man, what's that? - My notes.

Really?

I don't think Shakespeare knew himself this well.

Ooh, I like. How much?

- $500. - Is that the best you can do?

- $450. - I'm not so sure.

$375 and you take it right now.

- Sold. - We appreciate your business.

Move.

I really miss Stars Hollow High.

- You're kidding, right? - No. Chilton's just...

I don't know, hard.

What do you care? You were always Miss Everything's-So-Easy-at-School.

This should be a snap for you.

Nope. This is sold. Move.

- What's that? - Oh, that's mine.

That is chocolate-covered death.

With a creamy caramel surprise.

[ customer ]: Hello.

- Uh, so, this guy asked about you today. - What guy?

The new kid. Tall, perfect.

- What did he want to know? - Where you were.

What did you say?

- I told him you were too smart for us, and you had to go to the genius school. - Oh.

He really liked that. I guess he's into brainy chicks.

I'll keep my eyes open for one for him.

- No. Sold. - Mom. - Move.

- Where do you want us to go? - Library.

I hate sales.

No Black Sabbath.

No one's listening.

No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston, and no Queen.

What happened to make you so cold?

- You like that Mozart. - I am the Artie Shaw of harpists.

- Sookie, I need coffee to go. - There's fresh over there.

Ooh, good.

Fresh in my first lifetime as Joan of Arc.

Oh, sorry. I thought I made fresh. Here.

Bless you. I'm so exhausted, and I have to drive to Hartford tonight

- to go to a parent/teacher meeting. - Sounds great.

Yeah. This school is so different from Stars Hollow, you know.

They send home a thousand pages of updates every week.

- It's a very intense place. - Uh-huh.

Last week, there was this huge debate

over whether plaid scrunchies were acceptable headwear.

People took sides, things got ugly. The scrunchy motion finally passed

- and I'd like to think I was the tiebreaker. - That's nice.

Hey, what's the matter, sweetie?

- He said it was fine. - Who said it was fine?

- Lucien Mills. - The restaurant critic?

- He said my risotto was fine. - Well, isn't it?

No, it's not fine.

Fine is a word you use when someone stops you on the street

that you know, but you don't want to talk to.

So, they ask you how you are, and you say, "Fine."

That's enough so they don't have to keep talking to you, 'cause they don't want to.

Then they can feel good about themselves because they've been considerate enough to ask,

and if, God forbid, something actually is wrong,

they'll sit down, take time and listen, even if they don't want to.

Sweetie, I don't think he meant fine as a slam or as a monologue.

He couldn't have meant it any other way.

Sookie, I hate to see you get so upset over one little review.

This is pride, Lorelai. I mean, you know about this risotto.

- On my mother's deathbed... - You made the risotto

- and she lived three more years. - She was supposed to be dead.

The doctor said she wouldn't make it through the night.

And she lived because of the risotto, the magic risotto.

And this guy had the nerve to say it was fine.

I don't think he knew the story.

[ groaning ]

Okay. Now, before you get all goofy on me, I don't have your porcinis.

I forgot them.

I don't have any other excuse, other than plain, old, stupid human error.

I have the morels, which I know you don't want, so come on, let me have it.

Morels are fine.

Did anyone else feel the shift in the space-time continuum?

- A reviewer didn't like the risotto. - The magic risotto? You're kidding.

Well, I gotta go. So try and cheer her up, would you?

Oh, sure.

Sweetie, please don't worry about it. Everyone knows you're the best.

[ clearing throat ]

So...

I hear the huckleberry crops are gonna totally suck this year.

[ chuckles ]

We are gonna be focusing on Elizabethan literature.

Shakespeare, Marlowe, Bacon, Ben Jonson, John Webster.

Yeah, is Marlowe really that significant?

Well, we want to give as complete an overview as possible.

Yes, but will he be included on the Advanced Placement test?

Well, we can't know exactly what will be on the A.P. test,

but it will be important for future studies when your kids hit their universities.

But to get there, they need to pass the A.P. test.

[ Max ]: Right, it's all important. It could all be on the test.

How do we find out?

You could bribe somebody on the A.P. committee.

[ Max ]: I was kidding. Uh, just kidding.

I...I'm so sorry. I had a terrible pothole incident.

And...you don't care. So, please, go on.

[ exclaims ]

[ sighs ]

What in the world?

[ chuckles ]

You okay?

- Uh-huh. I'll just sit now. - I don't think we've...we've met.

Oh, I'm, uh, Lorelai Gilmore. Rory's mom.

Glad you could join us. Rory is one of our new students.

How nice. Now, the A.P. test.

Right. Well, we are preparing them as best we can.

[ woman ]: I've hired a tutor for Bethany.

Always a valid option.

Mmm. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the camel!

[ sighs ]

[ whispering ]: This is really bad coffee.

So, ahem, this A.P. test, what are we gonna do about it, huh?

[ Max ]: Well, the next test is scheduled for next month.

um, the 25th, Saturday, at 7:00 a.m.

- Ms. Gilmore? - Uh, where...where is the test?

- It will be given here. - Here?

- Right. - Great.

- Any other questions? - Um, yeah.

Um, can parents come?

What?

Yeah, it's a big, exciting test. So, I just thought...

- I'm sorry. Is that stupid? - Oh, no, no, it's not stupid.

I just thought I'd like to see the excitement.

- It's a test. - Yeah, I know.

What's exciting about a test?

- Do you play golf? - Yes, I do.

- You explain yours, I'll explain mine. - Okay, why not get back to the meeting?

That's the one who voted for the scrunchies.

Must be a scholarship student.

Um, excuse me.

You know what? I think this would be a good time for a break.

There's coffee in the back.

What were you gonna do? Hit her?

No. I just...I had some good verbal comebacks ready.

Hmm.

- It...it just keeps getting worse. - Well, you know, not drinking it is always an option.

Not in my world.

- I'm Max Medina. - Nice to meet you.

I apologize for the behavior of some of our guests tonight.

It's a tense time for some people.

- The S.A.T. season? - The waking hours.

[ laughs ]

- Hey, are you this nice to my kid? - Yeah, it's easy.

- Rory's a sweet girl. - Yeah, she is, she is.

How is she liking Chilton?

- Oh, she loves it. - Really?

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's an adjustment, of course. But she's always wanted to go to Harvard.

- This is how she'll get there. - Harvard?

Yeah. Ever since she could crawl, I've really wanted her to go there.

Oh, it's a great school.

I actually bought her a Harvard sweatshirt when she was four.

Of course, it was way too big for her.

So she used it as a blanket for a while, and then as a makeshift diaper on this really ill-fated shopping trip.

And now I've told you a story that would so mortify her,

she'll kill me when she finds out you know.

- Don't tell her then. It'll be our secret. - Why, I appreciate that.

So, are you a B-52's girl?

What?

[ laughs ]

No, I'm a klutz girl who should not drive with coffee in her hand.

I, um, had this in the car.

You know, I hope Rory adjusts to this place. We need her here.

Thank you. That's so nice.

I hope she's not too disappointed about her paper.

It's very hard to catch up on all that reading material.

- I know a "D" seems pretty dismal... - Rory got a "D"?

- Yeah, but... - She's never gotten a "D."

It's the first paper she's had to turn in. She's bound to falter a little.

Oh, man, this totally explains the no ice-cream thing.

- God, I'm such an idiot. - The ice-cream thing?

Look, I...I...I've gotta go.

Well, I'm sorry if I've said something to offend you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. If Rory got a "D," she's not feeling too good right now.

- And I'd really like to be there. - I understand.

So, it was nice meeting you.

You, too.

[ laughs ]

- Um, keep up the good work. - I will.

- Don't ever make coffee ever again. - I won't, I promise.

- Oh. - Oh, ha ha ha.

Thanks. Ahem.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Here. - What's that?

- You look like you need pie. - I do?

Violent pencil-tossing usually signals a need for pie.

What if I'd thrown a pen?

- I would've brought you a trout. - What?

I don't make the rules, I just carry them out.

[ bell rings ]

Hey, backwards baseball hat. New look for you.

She's eating pie? Did she even have dinner?

You raised her. I just serve.

- Oh, hello, bookworm. - Finally.

- Where were you? - Well, um, actually, I was in Hartford.

Why?

I was there for the...

Parent-teacher meeting. Oh, my God. - Yeah. - I forgot.

It went very well.

I was extremely charming. I won the whole crowd over.

- They made me queen. - Hmm.

So, I guess you talked to Mr. Medina.

Mmm-hmm. Why did you let me whine about ice cream and shoe sales

when you had something major going on?

I know.

I hate when I'm an idiot and don't know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy.

To really revel in it, take pictures. I feel we missed a prime Christmas-card opportunity.

I'm sorry.

You should have told me.

I couldn't.

You couldn't tell me? You tell me everything.

It was too humiliating.

Oh, honey, you once told me that you loved "Saved By the Bell."

What could be more humiliating than that?

I couldn't form the words.

I couldn't even say it. I couldn't even comprehend it.

It was a "D." I got a "D."

- I've never gotten a "D." Ever. - I know.

Even when I broke my arm and couldn't write for a month,

I got an "A" minus.

- That was a different school. - I know. It was Stars Hollow High.

A "D" at Stars Hollow is like an "F" at Chilton.

It's worse. It's like a "G" or a "W."

So I'm guessing the spelling test didn't go well either?

A "D."

I suck.

You don't suck.

- I can't do this. - Listen, a "D" is bad, okay?

But this talk about "I suck," "I can't do this," and self-pity,

that's worse. That's not you. You didn't feel sorry for yourself

when it took you three months to learn how to ride a bike, and you won't now.

- Four months. - Huh?

It took me four months to learn how to ride a bike.

Really? Four months?

Yeah. You wanna belabor the conversation?

All right. Forget about the bike.

Listen, a "D" is one grade. It's not the end of the world.

You'll catch up, you'll do better. You are of hardy, stubborn stock, my dear.

If there's one thing I gave you, it's my stubbornness.

- I'm not stubborn. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Fine, you're not.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

You can do this, and I'll help you. I'll get you through this.

Now put the "D" behind you.

- What's next? - I have a test on Friday.

- Ooh, a test. Great! - On Shakespeare.

The bard with a beard. Love it.

- It's 20% of my grade. - Just makes life interesting.

Now what do we have to do to get you an "A" on that test?

Do you really think I can do this?

I bet you a dollar.

That's it? That's all my future's worth, one dollar?

Well, you did get a "D."

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments,

"love is not love which alters when it alteration finds

"or bends with the remover to remove

"o, no! It is an ever-fixed mark

"that looks on tempests and is never shaken

"it is the star to every wandering bark

"whose worth's unknown although his height be taken"

You're going down.

Hey, Sookie, do you know what the menu's gonna be...mmm-hmm...

- Good? - Hot.

- Wait. I got another one. - Mmm.

- Better? - Hotter.

Wait. I got one more. One more.

Mmm, Sookie, what's with all the risotto? Have we gone theme now?

Ooh, is it gonna be like the Scotch tape store?

Look, I've made 40 recipes, okay, 40.

And every single time, I come back to the same conclusion.

That yours is better.

- Yes. - It is.

- You were looking for me? - Yes! Great.

Three weeks ago, guy comes in, Lucien Mills,

orders the risotto, doesn't like it.

- The magic risotto? You're kidding. - Not helping.

He's a restaurant critic.

He ordered lots of things, probably didn't finish them.

Now, in his review, he said his waiter had a goatee.

Now, you've got a goatee, so you waited on him, and I need info.

- Well, what did he look like? - Like he was unhappy with the risotto!

Maybe he had an annoying table companion

that wouldn't let him concentrate on his eating.

- I serve a lot of people. - He had a beard, false teeth, or a wig,

or the glasses with the big nose.

- May I be fired now? - Absolutely.

What about a guy with an annoying companion and a fake wig

who was sitting underneath an air-conditioning vent,

next to a woman with too much perfume on?

- [ Lorelai ]: "The Comedy of Errors:" written? - 1590.

- Published? - 1698.

- Ooh, 1623. Close. - How is 1623 close?

- You got the "16" part right. - I was off by 75 years.

Anything under 100 years is close.

- What kind of a rule is that? - I'm running the study session here.

- Okay. Richard III? - 1591. - [ mimicking buzzer ]

- '93? - [ mimicking buzzer ] - '96? - [ mimicking buzzer ]

Okay, that's getting really annoying now.

[ mimicking buzzer ]

Go on. I'm listening.

The sonnets are 154 poems of 14 lines.

- Except? - Except for 126, which is 12 lines.

Good.

- They're written in iambic pentameter. - Hmm.

- Except? - Except for 145, which is in tetrameter.

- Rock on, sister. - Really?

- Not one mistake. - Wow. - How do you feel? - Nauseous.

Yeah, well, I don't think the fries and the horseradish sauce

was the best idea we ever had.

It was satisfying in the moment, though.

Hmm, you're going to blow that class away tomorrow.

- You think? - I think.

What do you say we call it a night and get some beauty sleep?

You go. I wanna review my notes one more time.

- Oh, that's okay. I'll stay up. - Mom, go to sleep.

No. I'm not even tired. I was just thinking of you.

[ sighing ]

♪ Go back to sleep now ♪

♪ My darlin' ♪

♪ Better keep all the bad dreams away ♪

♪ Breathe now ♪

♪ Think sweet things ♪

♪ And I'll think of all the right words to say ♪

♪ Because who made you ♪

♪ My darlin' ♪

♪ With the love in each of our hearts ♪

[ birds chirping ]

No! Oh, no!

Oh, jeez. This was such a bad sleeping idea.

- [ Rory ]: I'm late! - What?

- I'm late, I'm late! I woke up late! - All right, calm down.

I can't calm down! I missed my bus! Get up!

Sweetie, Mommy can't get up right now.

Mommy's been sleeping at a right angle all night.

- I'm gonna miss the test! - No, no, you're not.

I'll get the keys. We'll go right now. Let's go! Let's go!

- Oh!! I can't take you. - You have to!

- I have a meeting at the inn at 8:00! - Mom!

Okay, wait. Think. Listen. Here. You drive.

- What? - You drive. I'll get a ride from Sookie.

Take the phone. Take the keys. Go!

- Are you sure? - Go, go, go, go!!

- I'm gone! - Good luck!

[ phone ringing ]

Hello?

Did I leave a set of my notes at your house yesterday?

- Where are you? - I'm driving to school.

I...I need to check something and I can't find some of my notes.

Okay, hold on. Let me check.

♪ [ music playing ]

- I don't see anything. - What did I do with them?

- Well, maybe it's downstairs in the store? - Maybe. I just... [ thudding ]

- Oh, my God! - [ Lane }: Are you all right?

- I just got hit by a deer! - You hit a deer?

- No! I got hit by a deer. - How...how do you get hit by a deer?

I was at a stop sign, and he hit me! Oh, my God!

Was it a 4-way stop?

- What does that matter? - I don't know.

I don't know what to ask after you've been hit by a deer.

- I don't see him. - Well, put salt down. Deers love salt.

- Where am I gonna get salt from? - Do you have a lunch?

- Lane! - Sorry.

I don't see him anywhere. What if he's hurt?

Rory, your test.

- What time is it? - It's 7:40.

No!

I'm sorry.

Everyone back to your tests.

- You've got to wait in the library. - What about the test?

- I'm afraid you've missed the test. - No.

We start class promptly at 8:05. That's when I need people to be in their seats.

- Please. - I'm sorry. It's the rules.

But you don't understand. I was up all night studying

and then I missed my bus. So I had to drive.

Let's discuss this outside.

So, I'm driving and I stop, and I get hit by a deer.

- You hit a deer? - No, I got hit by a deer.

You don't believe me? I've got antler prints on the side of my mother's car.

Rory, come on.

No! You have to let me take this test! I'm ready for this test.

- I know everything about Shakespeare. - Okay, okay. You need to calm down now.

- I know his birthday, his mother's name and the kind of ink... - Loser.

And just what is wrong with you, huh?!

You already have everything. You have the grades and the status.

What the hell is wrong with you

that you have this constant need to be the biggest jerk in the entire world?

Okay, let's go.

Huh? What's up? What's up, quippy?! Why so silent?

[ Max ]: Outside, now.

And, for the last time, the name is Rory!

Make sure that carpet is replaced perfectly before they go.

- Okay. - Perfectly, nailed down and everything.

Oh, you mean that "perfectly." I thought you meant the other "perfectly."

The one that could be misinterpreted by the other Michel,

you know, the one who couldn't understand what you meant by "perfectly."

- Hey, what do you think about Pat Benatar? - Great idea. Can she play the harp?

[ Sookie whooping ]

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I found it!

- You found what? - His bill. I found his bill!

What are you talking about?

It wasn't the risotto, it was the wine. He ordered the wrong wine!

Oh, wow, great.

See, in the review, he mentioned something about a summer tomato salad

which I only made once in the last three weeks

because Jackson, of course, decides to get into a fistfight with his tomato grower...

- okay, that's a different story. - Yes, save it for Christmas time.

Brian, the goateed waiter, only worked one shift last week

because his girlfriend kicked him out and he had to move.

- Celia kicked him out? - Well, he didn't want kids.

- But she knew that when they moved in. - Women think they can change men.

Yeah.

So, I checked the dates, and narrowed the day down,

and found a party that had ordered practically everything on the menu including...

- The magic risotto. - Yes, the risotto and a Riesling. Ha! A Riesling!

Why not just drink battery acid?

Exactly. Changes the entire flavor of the dish.

And the fact that Brian even served it,

makes me think Celia is a little bit better off without him.

I'm so glad, hon, oh.

Okay, here are the zucchini.

Too small. Take them away.

[ sighing ]

- Oh, it's good to have her back, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah.

- You're still gonna have to pay for the zucchini. - Yeah. - Yeah.

There's a man with a funny accent on the phone, asking for you.

Really? Did you guys exchange the secret handshake?

[ snickering ]

Lorelai here.

Rory, what happened?

- I got hit by a deer. - You got what?

And then I was late and they wouldn't let me take the test.

- What? - They wouldn't let me take the test...

- No, you're kidding me. - Mom...

No, it's okay. Just sit right here. I'll handle this.

Excuse me. Hello.

- Ms. Gilmore. Please come in. - Thank you.

Have a seat.

Um, I think there's been a terrible mistake.

Uh, Rory told me that she wasn't allowed to take her test.

- She was late. - Right, well,

see, there were circumstances beyond her control.

Rory is never late. She's almost annoyingly on time.

I think if you checked your records...

Past performance has nothing to do with today's situation.

Okay. But see, she was up all night studying,

I was there. She has a witness.

- She's not on trial here. - Well, Your Honor...

Just a little trial humor. That won't happen again.

Um, see, she got up late. She broke her neck to get here.

We don't live locally as you...

- "The dog ate my homework." - Excuse me?

"My computer crashed, and I lost my midterm."

I wasn't making excuses.

"My grandmother and first cousin died."

"My sister took my report to school instead of hers."

"My religion prohibits studying after sundown."

"I went blind last night, but I'm fine now."

That's not Rory.

Ms. Gilmore, rules are rules.

When you're late, you forfeit the right to take the test.

Wh-where are you going? Where...where is he going?

Lorelai, please, believe me, if I could do anything, I would.

- You could let her take the test. - I'm afraid I can't.

Well, that's not fair.

Ms. Gilmore, we're not here to be fair. We're here to educate.

Yes, and I'm asking you to please educate my kid.

We will when she's on time.

Have a nice day.

Are you holding that door open for a reason?

- Our meeting is over. - Like hell it is. - Lorelai.

Do you have any idea what we have gone through this week?

We have been up all night every night, studying. We haven't slept.

We haven't talked about anything else

except this school and this test for seven days.

We have stretched ourselves as thin as humanly possible

without going completely postal. My God! We're just one person!

Why don't we narrow our field of conversation down to Rory?

Okay. Deal. Why...why don't we?

You...you sit here in your snotty little school

that's in desperate need of some extra heating vents,

and you nurture horrible kids who treat each other like mortal enemies.

You set impossible standards

that make normal people feel less than everybody else.

And you take a great kid like Rory and you tear her apart!

I don't think that's completely fair.

And you! You say she's smart and she'll do fine

and this rotting, stodgy rathole could use somebody like her.

And then you completely shut her out of a test she's been cramming for, ready for,

that she completely deserves to take!

- I didn't call this place a "rathole." - Oh, no. That's true. I added that.

Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with "Il Duce" here.

I thought this place was gonna be so great.

And now, I guess this goes on the "Boy, was I wrong" list,

right above gauchos but just below the "Flashdance" phase.

My goodness, you do like to throw fits in your family.

What are you talking about?

Your daughter threw a similar, if not as manic, fit of her own this morning.

Oh, please. Rory doesn't throw fits.

She's the most even-tempered person I know.

- Well then, she did a lovely impression of you. - Well, I don't...

Ms. Gilmore, everything you said in your rant was absolutely true...

without the colorful embellishments, of course.

We do set impossible standards

and such standards do foster highly competitive children.

However, that is life, and that is Chilton.

Rules can change. You can change them.

I told your daughter when she came here that this place was not for everyone

and might not be for her. I will now tell you the same thing.

[ Lorelai ]: Okay. She doesn't have to be here.

She doesn't have to go to Harvard. Maybe she shouldn't.

If she can't handle the pressure, she should leave.

You need to take your daughter home now and decide what it is you intend to do.

However, another outburst like this from either of you

will not be on the options list.

Thank you for coming in.

That will be all.

You got hit by a deer?

You did. You got hit by a deer.

It just came out of nowhere.

You couldn't just run into a wall like other kids?

- Can we just go home, please? - Yeah, sure. Jump in.

- [ Lucien ]: May I help you? - Yes.

Hello. My name is Sookie St. James. I'm the chef at the Independence Inn.

- I know who you are. - You do?

Well, I'm flattered. You write about a lot of chefs...

- What are you doing here? - Right.

Well, I know that this is a terrible intrusion, but...

- are you cooking? - I'm making chicken.

- You used too much salt. - I did not.

Well, it smells salty.

- I'm closing the door now. - No, wait.

I found out your address from my network of culinary friends...

Look, this is really inappropriate. I gave you a good review.

I suggest you go home.

I don't care about the review. I just...

I want you to try this dish

with this wine.

I'll wait.

- Quite a day, huh? - I don't want to talk. Please.

Okay.

You know, I just think that we should talk about it.

- Stop the car. - What?

Here. Stop here.

You're just feeling like an impromptu nature walk?

I wanna see if it's all right.

- If what's all right? - The deer.

- Oh, sweetie, you're never gonna find the deer! - Well, I'm gonna try.

- I'm in heels. - Well, stay in the car.

It's dangerous in the car with all the kamikaze deer running around.

I have to find it.

All right. Wait up!

So what does the deer look like?

Huh, does he have any distinguishing marks

besides the word "Jeep" imprinted on his forehead?

- He's just a deer. - Hmm.

So I had a nice chat with Headmaster Charleston today.

He said you went ballistic in class.

I was just tired.

You wouldn't have been tired if you hadn't been killing yourself all week.

I was studying. I didn't have a choice.

Well, maybe you shouldn't be studying that hard.

- What are you talking about? - You're 16.

You should get some sleep and eat a real meal

and come up for air once in a while.

They kicked me out.

No. Of course not. They love you. This is coming from me.

Are you saying I should quit?

I'm saying, if you wanted to go back to your other school with Lane,

that would be fine with me.

- You don't think I can do it. - You know that's not true.

I think you can do anything. But you don't lose it in class.

That's not part of the Rory personality description

and if you're losing it in class

because you're tired, or stressed out, or working too hard,

I'm worried about that. I have to be.

- I lost it once. - Okay. Fine.

It's just I can't remember, you know,

a time when we weren't talking about you going to Harvard.

It was just a given. That was what we were working for.

- Everything went in that direction. - I know.

And I'm forgetting where all that started.

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about

did it start with me or did it start with you?

I mean, was it my dream that you went to Harvard?

Mom.

Because I never got to do the big, fancy college thing.

Maybe all this time I'm thinking it's all for Rory

when really it wasn't.

- I'm not doing this because of you. - But if you are, you don't have to.

- I know that. - I'll still love you

even if you can't support me in my old age

in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed.

- I'll remember that selfless gesture. - Thank you.

- I just want you to be happy. - I am.

No, I want you to be

dancing-through-the-woods-crazy happy.

And if Harvard and Chilton is not gonna do that for you,

then forget about them.

I was just behind.

I never caught up on all the reading. That's why I got a "D."

I can catch up. I will catch up. And when I do, everything will be fine.

Rory.

No. Harvard is my dream.

- I want it more than anything, I swear. - Yeah, but...

I appreciate all that you're saying. I do.

But I'm not ready to give up on Chilton yet.

Fair enough.

I do, however, reserve the right to change my mind.

That's your prerogative, as long as you remain a woman.

- Thanks, though. - For what?

For yelling at the Headmaster the way you did.

Oh, I didn't yell at him.

You called him "Il Duce."

Which means "kind sir" in Cantonese.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

How much longer are we gonna look for this crazy deer?

Just a little further.

- I just hope he didn't hurt himself. - [ Lorelai ]: I just hope he has insurance.

Okay, go get that plaid skirt off and grab your books.

We're going to Luke's.

- Don't you have to get back to work? - They can last a little while longer without me.

Plus Michel gets so cute when he feels like he's been overworked.

His ears puff out, his nostrils flare, it's big fun.

- Go. - I'm gone.

[ phone ringing ]

[ Lorelai's recorded voice ]: It's us. We're not here. We have a life. Get over it.

[ Max ]: Hi. This is a message for Rory. It's Max Medina calling.

I just wanted to say that I talked to Headmaster Charleston

or "Il Duce," as he's more affectionately known in the Gilmore household,

and he's agreed to let you do some extra credit work

to help make up for the missed test today.

Now, I'm not sure what the extra credit work is yet,

but it probably will be time-consuming and extremely painful.

It will, however, get you back up to where I think you rightly belong, Rory.

Don't lose heart. Make this work.

And if your mother's listening,

Lorelai, it was a pleasure encountering you.

I hope it happens again.

Anyway, see you in class. Bye.