Original subtitles

It tickles.

Push! Don't smudge it.

This little piggy went to market,

this little piggy went to a party...

Don't smudge it.

This little piggy is gonna booze,

this little piggy has filthy toenails,

this little piggy needs a bath...

I can't hold on.

Help! Help!

Help! Help! Somebody help!

Help! Help!

Somebody! Somebody help me!

Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

What are you doing?

Moise!

Are you mad? Help!

Help him up.

What for?

Help him up.

Geronimo!

What's he doing out there?

There's no accounting for taste.

Okay, daddy, let's have you.

- Anything else, my lady? - Yes.

- Drop dead. - Right.

- Ciao. - Bye.

- Bye-bye. - Bye, Nina.

Hello. No, she isn't, Operator.

Well, you'll have to tell New York.

Yes, he came through and spoke to me himself.

I told him she was out.

Of course I know it's 5:00 in the morning.

No, I'm not her fiancé, the gentleman in New York is.

Yes, I'll tell her.

Oh, really.

He called again, Melina. Three times. The phone's been ringing all night.

- Who called? - Your Mr Carson from America.

- Who do you suppose? - Oh, him.

Well, he's going to call back.

What in the world am I going to tell him?

Tell him we had a ball.

Oh, you're impossible, all of you.

He's been calling all week, Melina. You really ought to talk to him.

Some other time.

Well, how much does it cost to telephone London from America?

He can afford it. Good night, darling.

Well, can't I come in?

I'll see you this afternoon.

So, you didn't make it.

Poor Moise.

It's always the ones who get away who are best, eh?

Yeah, I like this habit she has of dodging me. It's rousing.

Maybe it's a publicity stunt. She's advertising chastity.

Let's go, baby.

What do you mean "let's go"?

Melina doesn't want to know, so you just snap your fingers at me

and expect me to run after you like a geisha girl.

You just play the way you feel.

- You're a bastard, a real bastard. - Who isn't?

Come on.

I told you, you should have taken those calls.

No. Melina is right.

Men are such ghouls. Why doesn't he just leave her alone?

- Don't tell me, let me guess. - He's coming to London.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Why shouldn't her fiancé come to claim his child bride.

Arriving London Saturday. Love.

- Fun's over, then? - Fun?

Yes, sure. It's been fun, hasn't it?

Six months slumming in Merrie England, necking with all the serfs.

- I've had a few kicks. - Yeah, I bet you have.

What does a nice little American girl do when she's had her kicks?

Go home to ma and pa and good old Joe fiancé.

She is a nice little American girl, Moise.

- Yes, darling, I know she is. - All right.

Then stop trying to turn her into a symbol you can make fun of.

Don't know what you're talking about, if I thought she was a symbol,

I would have her the first day she arrived here.

And then nine months later...

- Don't talk to her like that, Moise. - Relax, Phil. Of course he can.

He always behaves like that with the ones he can't have,

until he has them. Right?

Right.

Anybody got sixpence?

Oh, not that again, Moise.

- Oh, Nina, what do you think? - I think you're a spoilt brat.

But apart from that, what am I going to do?

Be reasonable. He's coming a long way to see you.

I don't want to see him.

Don't you love him?

How do I know?

No.

If you don't love him, you'll have to tell him sometime.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Look, if she doesn't want to see him why the hell should she?

It's blackmail. Emotional blackmail.

She didn't ask him to come.

But the least we can do is to arrange a welcome.

How much do I owe you?

Here you are. Thank you.

Excuse me. But I'm looking for a Miss Morgan.

Melina Morgan.

Oh, my. Well, then, you must be "The Mr Carson."

Are you the gentleman I've been phoning?

Yes, I feel as though we're old friends.

Could you tell me, do you know if she's in?

Oh, I do know. It's number two, just up the stairs there.

Left and right, and on the left. You can't miss it.

- Thank you. - You're very welcome I'm sure.

- Oh. Hi. - Hi.

- Can I help you? - Yes, you can.

I'm looking for room number two.

I seem to have lost my compass.

- Room number two? - Yes.

- Melina? - Yes, that's right.

- You're looking for Melina? - Yes, do you know her?

Oh, yes, I...

- I knew her very well. - Knew her?

- You haven't heard? - Heard what?

The...

- About the operation. - What operation?

- You're Carson, aren't you? - Yes, I am.

Oh, Carson, they were too late. Just too late.

And so are you I'm afraid. Just too late.

Hey, wait a minute.

Just a second, I'd like to ask you another question.

- Find her? - No. That young lady...

Try The Ram, just round the corner, Manor Street. She's always there.

Um, listen... Mr...

- Marsh. Hector Marsh. - Mr Marsh...

- Hector. - Hector.

- Has Miss Morgan been ill? - III? Melina?

Certainly not. Well, she wasn't an hour ago when I saw her.

- Manor House you said? - Manor Street.

Just round the corner, The Ram. It's a terrible pub, you can't miss it.

Oh, thank you.

They're a very good value. They were fresh in this morning.

Goodbye.

I say Countess, look, it's him.

He's rather cute.

Hello, Carson. I'm Moise, this is Tutzi.

- Well, enchanté, Mr Carson. - Glad to know you.

If you're looking for Melina, she pulled out five minutes ago.

- Oh, where did she pull out to? - I don't know.

She went to Geronimo's I think.

44, Llanelli Gardens.

Would you mind writing that down for me? I'm not too...

Oh, Tutzi can't write, Mr Carson.

You see, the Nazis squashed his hand in a vice during the war.

Show him your hand, Tutzi.

- I'm sorry to hear about that. - No, you're not, Carson.

You're just being polite.

Here.

Thanks.

Tell me, is it really true you worked your way up from a mere nobody

into the first Vice President of a dynamic expanding business corporation?

And now you're going to marry the boss's daughter.

Providing I can find her.

But tell me, you interest me, too.

What values do you represent?

Me, I'm just a dead fly in the soup at the tycoon's banquet.

What exactly is that supposed to mean?

It means that he has no values whatever. None.

Oh, yes, I have. I've got a nuisance value.

Sticking pins in pomposity.

We feel it our function, Mr Carson,

not to accept people without question merely because they are vice presidents.

Yes, that's right. You see, if we accepted everything without question,

we'd still be living in caves, wouldn't we?

You know something? We've got something in common.

What? Off hand.

Melina. Off hand.

She doesn't particularly approve of either of us.

The question is, what does she represent?

When I find out you'll be the first to know.

Your move.

Melina. Melina, she's not that Hindu broad

with a diamond in her nose, is she?

- No, no, she's an American. - American? No.

I ain't got any Americans in stock at the moment. They don't last.

They tire too fast. Hey, but take a look at this.

Girls. It's all I got in hand at the moment.

- Two pounds an hour. Want them to strip? - Maybe not.

Sorry, girls. False alert.

So go lie down till I call you, huh?

Or in that case, take a look around.

Maybe you'd like to buy some sculpture or something, huh.

This for instance. I call it "Hymn to Castro."

- I'm Cuban. No hard feelings? - No.

You can have it for, say, $5,000.

Is there any discount for traveller's cheques?

- Oh, sure. 90%. - Not enough.

It's nice, but I don't think the state department would approve.

Oh, us artists ain't political.

We could call it "Ode to the Peace Corp" or something.

Or... Hey, how about a pornographic ashtray?

- I got some shocking stuff here. - Maybe later.

Hey, stop, wait a minute.

Melina, I know who you mean.

- She's that American chick. - Yes, that's right.

She's at Buck House.

- On the level? - Just ask any cab driver.

They know where it is.

- Buck House? - Buckingham Palace, guv.

There goes Carson.

Home to the land of the brave and the square.

Tourist season didn't last very long this year, did it?

- Yeah. Poor man. - Poor man. What do you mean?

Poor man. A poor, fairly decent type of man.

Do you know, all he wanted to do is to come over the ocean and see his girl.

And what happens?

A load of idiots get a hold of him and start playing games.

- Well, it was your idea. - It was a lousy idea.

- What's he talking about? - I'm talking about selling dog food

in a supermarket. That's a lousy idea, too.

If I told you to go and sell dog food in a supermarket, would you?

- Ah! - Yes, of course you would.

'Cause you got no mind of your own. You're like rest of these sheep.

Somebody blows a whistle, you all come running.

One big line of sheep and you make me sick.

Well, well, well, if it isn't my friends. The Chelsea Aborigines.

Still living in caves I see.

You're all alone.

- Haven't found her yet? - Not yet.

You know everybody I believe. Say hello to Mr Carson.

Hello, Mr Carson.

If I see her, I'll give her your regards.

Do that.

- Any personal messages? - Yeah. Tell her I moved in.

You've moved in to the pad?

My friend Hector fixed it.

Good old Hector.

Tell her that's where I'll be when she decides to see me.

But naturally.

Come on, let's go.

I wanted to explain about that nonsense.

- The operation? - Yes. I apologise.

It was a cruel and a pointless thing to do.

Okay. I accept.

Now, tell me where is Melina.

- She doesn't want to see you. - Tell me something I don't know.

- Where is she, Nina? - I'm sorry, Carson. I mean it.

She doesn't want to see you.

You mean, it's a case of "Yank go home."

For the moment anyway.

She... Well, she's got problems and you can't help her with them.

Well, does she believe that you and that crowd in there can?

- Perhaps. - Them?

- Why not? - That bunch of beatniks.

It's easy to call people names when you don't like them.

They're still people.

- And she goes along with them? - Mmm.

She feels free with us. We don't expect anything of her.

Oh, come on, honey, don't hand me that.

Plenty of American girls go to Europe and come home.

Believe me, Carson, you go home.

I wonder, did she ever tell you about our home town?

- Athens, Minnesota. - No.

Well, let me tell you about it.

Melina's father is the biggest thing in that town.

He practically built it.

He's just built a hospital and named it after her.

If he could, he'd change the name of the town.

He sent me to bring her back.

It was his idea for you to come over?

We're scheduled to be married.

Hey, Nina!

You make it sound like a business deal.

What are you doing with that Yankee drag?

Coming.

All right, you squares! Guzzle down my booze.

Go ahead, swill it down.

You got to appreciate it. I want appreciation.

We appreciate you, Geronimo.

Let's keep this party going till Sunday.

Why Sunday?

The Hindus say the world comes to an end on Sunday.

But, how will we know when it happens?

Graves will gape and the shrouded dead will run

gibbering and shrieking in the streets.

Sounds like any other Sunday.

Another thing... How come nobody's noticing?

You're up to your ears in my hooch. Nobody asks how come.

This wingding's costing me a fortune. Nobody cares.

Nobody's even congratulated me.

- Hey, congratulations, Geronimo. - Thank you, Fran.

- Congratulations for what? - See what I mean?

Everybody takes me for granted.

Well, you notice anything different? Look! Look!

Oh, Castro! He's gone.

Geronimo, where's Castro?

Castro no longer exists.

He's now called "Fertility".

And I sold it for £100 to that jerk who runs the supermarket on the corner.

Listen, Melina, this friend of yours, Carson,

I like him.

I don't think he'd go for you, Tutzi.

No, seriously. Why don't you see him?

Not you, too.

Why are you afraid of him, Melina?

Fear and I are old friends, we can always recognise one another.

Let's not make a big production out of it.

It's not just Carson.

I'm afraid of everything.

That's why I left home.

Fear kept following me around, it followed me here.

Well, this very moment I'm sweating with dread.

I feel like screaming.

Carson...

He's just another ghoul in my nightmare.

You all are.

Everybody.

I knew it, she's afraid.

And you're not afraid of anything, are you, Moise?

- Nothing. - And you know why?

Because you have to be alive to be afraid.

You, you are a zombie.

He's scummy, just scummy.

But that's because I had an unhappy childhood.

You see, nobody really understood me properly.

The maid, the chauffeur, the footman, nobody.

They all rejected me. I remember it was rather terrible.

My bath water was never the right temperature,

my toast was always burnt, burnt to a crisp like Tutzi's family.

But he was lucky, you see, they only tortured him.

Once terror finally catches up with you, Melina,

and you meet it at last, face to face,

well, it's less terrible after that.

No. I'll run.

And I'll keep running.

You have to have them all, don't you?

Why not?

You know what you should do if you're smart?

- What? - Forget about little girls.

Except Libby.

- Libby? - She's the one for you.

She keeps saying yes.

I used your bath, I hope you don't mind. I don't have one of my own.

I never would have guessed it.

I must be slipping.

I usually get a warmer reaction when I'm dressed like this.

Well, let's skip the striptease routine.

I'm tired, I'm weary, okay?

Okay.

How about a drink? I've had one already but I could do with another.

Does everyone in room nine get this treatment?

No, just you. You're special.

I'll tell you something else, too.

The gang's going to send you to Paris next. Don't go.

Let's skip all that, too.

Joke's worn out.

Okay, no more jokes.

I'll pick you up here by 2:00, all right?

- What for? - I'm taking you to a party.

Melina will be there.

Go on.

No, I'm not doing any favours for anyone but myself.

I'd like to see you take Melina away.

Out, gone, away. Goodbye.

- Moise? - Right.

This has never happened before. Well, not like this.

This time he's really on the hook.

He keeps prowling after her like... Like a spook.

Perfect comparison. "Spook."

Get dressed.

Two o'clock. I sing at a club till then.

You're on.

You might think I'm crazy, but I like Moise.

And I want him.

You know what's wrong with you people, huh?

You're all full of sh...

Oh, don't worry, I'll buy you another.

All right. Well, I'll have one like Melina's.

It's so chic.

Hey, come on, man, you gonna dance? Come on!

Oh, come on.

Hey, you don't love me any more.

It's my party and I don't even know half the jerks here.

- Long live Castro. - I'll drink to that.

You know something?

You're like a big, ripe, juicy,

fuzzy peach.

And in a moment you're going to be ready for picking.

- And I'm going to bite you. - If you do you'll get rabies.

I don't mind.

Why don't you crawl back under your stone?

I wonder if I'll ever have a daughter,

would she get high, too?

And will some hobo maul her with his thick hands?

- What's this? - Oh, that's the flower taxi.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not. Come on, we're here now.

Boy, they really hide this place, don't they?

Well, this looks like a gay old party.

- I'm a poet. - Oh, yeah?

- Great. - Yes, I am.

She's over there.

As a matter of fact, I hoped I might see you. Sort of.

Oh! Well, that's sort of, nice, sort of.

Tanked up?

I'm Peter Pan with a hangover.

Now, go find your elusive pixie,

before I do something utterly...

What's he doing here?

Sort of.

Hey, New Frontiersman, who invited you?

I did. Where's Melina?

Who cares?

- Where's Moise? - Here I am.

How are you, Carson?

I haven't seen you for a long time.

I reckon you're a mite late 'cause that little gal you're looking for,

she ain't here no more.

Well, Miss Mellor, she been an' heard you was a-comin'.

"Oh, no," she says, "I's a-leaving this here place."

She, uh, you know, it is very difficult.

She doesn't dig you, monsieur Carson.

You come... She goes.

Oh, ça comment, it is so confusing, huh?

She loathes you. I imagine it's terrible.

Personally, I can't see how she can resist you,

big, tall, rangy creature, you. Shall we twist.

The floor show never stops, does it? Just goes on and on.

Until the last syllable of recorded time.

- She doesn't love you. - Oh, if you say so.

No, me either. But I don't frighten her, that's the difference.

I'm the only person who doesn't frighten her.

- I asked her to marry me. - Oh? What'd she say?

She said, "Yes."

Great. I wish you both the best of luck.

Where is she?

I kissed her.

She doesn't like to be kissed, but she lets me kiss her.

Where did she go?

I kissed...

I'm sorry, Carson, I really did think she'd be here.

It's all right, Libby.

Tomorrow maybe.

- Yeah. Goodnight and thanks. - Goodnight.

Stick around, Yankee Doodle.

Later on, we'll go on down to the American Embassy. Throw eggs.

Capitalist creep!

That's Melina's headband.

Ada, that's her dress.

I seem to have her bracelet.

Hey, what's going on?

It's not what's been going on, darling...

It's what's been coming off. Right?

Right.

- Oh! - Oh.

Dr Fu Manchu, I presume.

These are my pyjamas.

Care to come in for a while?

Um, no, thanks.

Melina's room is over there.

Thanks.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- There. - Thank you.

- Sugar? - No, thanks.

Um, aren't you joining me?

No, I've just gulped down four cups. Trying to sober up.

Were you sober when you wrote that on the wall?

Yes.

- I thought it was Melina. - I know.

What was the idea?

Well, you've had a pretty rough day, haven't you?

Yeah, you can say that again.

I wanted to make amends.

Sort of, start all over again from the beginning.

Sounds like a good idea.

I'm Jet Carson from Minnesota.

I'm Nina Jarvis from Stow-on-the-Wold.

Stow-on-the-Wold?

It's in Gloucestershire.

Sounds like a pretty place.

And, uh, you paint.

Supposedly.

- Are you a good painter? - Can't you tell?

- Nope, I'm afraid not. - Neither can I.

What a heavy sigh.

Oh, I was just thinking of something Moise told me.

He said I had everything mapped out.

Well, I haven't.

As a matter of fact, I'm way off course.

Does anybody ever have everything mapped out?

Perhaps it's necessary sometimes just to drift.

That's what I've been doing. It can be pleasant.

I envy you.

It doesn't mean to say that I'm not way off course, too.

You seem happy.

I'm happy, right at this moment.

- Does it happen often? - What?

4:00 in the morning.

Every morning.

- I mean... - I know what you mean.

No, I'm not casual.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask.

It's all right.

If the board of directors could only see me now.

Eating my forbidden fruit?

- Know where Carson is? - With Nina.

How did you guess?

I didn't guess. I knew what was going to happen before they did.

You sound sore about it.

I'm not sore. I'm acute.

I'm so acute, I'm sore.

Have you got a cold?

- Cold? - Your voice has changed.

- What are you doing? - Coming to bed.

You haven't changed.

You know, there's a fascinating bit here

about the statue of some saint in Naples.

Last week it started bleeding real miraculous blood.

Wasn't a miracle after all.

Just a gag.

Why does it always have to be a gag, Libby?

A gag's easier to pull off.

You can fake it, like the high note in a song.

What if I don't want to choose between a miracle and a gag?

But a miracle or nothing.

For instance?

Like a girl that says, "No", for instance.

Maybe when they say, "Yes", that's even more of a miracle.

Maybe you don't even know a miracle when you see one.

- Hey, here's the beer. - Hey, daddy.

Great!

Ah! The elderly juvenile delinquents. Party must be over.

Forget about them.

- Would you like a drink? - No.

Me neither.

Melina's gone. Her room's empty. Where did she go?

I don't know, Phil.

- Well, where is she? - Well, that's a switch.

- What've you done with her? - Absolutely nothing.

I don't believe you. You were there last night.

You took her away while I was drunk.

Don't be absurd, Phil.

Well, where is she?

That's your problem now, pal. Not mine. Tried Buck House?

When are you going to tell me about your husband, then?

Oh, that? Oh, right now.

How did you know I had a husband?

Oh, you sort of mentioned him last night, casually.

- I did? - Yes, you did.

Well...

Oh, well, there's so little to tell, really.

He was sort of chosen for me. Oh, not the actual man.

I was never allowed to know anyone my parents didn't want me to meet.

I come from that sort of family.

Colin was nice enough. We honeymooned in Venice.

I loathe canals.

What's so funny?

What happened in Venice?

What do you suppose happened? It was grizzly.

And?

Well, it suddenly occurred to me that I should've picked my own husband.

It lasted a year.

Carson?

Nina?

- I want to show you something. - What?

- You won't laugh? - No, no. What?

Where I grew up...

Stow-on-the...

- Stow-on-the-Wold. - Oh, yeah.

It's a beautiful, ghastly place. I want you to see it.

Okay.

- Will you come? - Sure.

Come on, then.

Before you change your mind, we'll pack our bags and take off.

Listen! It's not important, I'm just curious.

- About what? - About this bracelet.

I gave it to Melina last Christmas. How did you happen to get it?

Oh, the bracelet.

I'll tell you about the bracelet when we get there, all right?

All right.

Look, Phil, it doesn't matter.

Just leave me alone!

Take him away, get him out of here.

Don't just sit about on the stairs.

I don't want you smoking in my corridor. I have to clean up after you.

Leave me alone!

Oh, get him away from here. For heaven's sake, take him home.

Ah, Carson. Oh, Nina, it's terrible.

Yes, Hector, what is terrible?

It's Phil. He's just come in here like a mad thing.

- Ranting and raving... - Phil? Where is he?

Listen to that, listen.

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone and go away.

Well, don't just sit there. Let him through.

Why don't people just mind their own business?

Nice Mr Carson has come

all the way from America to do what you should be doing.

- Oh, bully! - What's the matter with him?

Nothing, he's got a hangover.

- What's with Phil, Libby? - Nothing, he's just putting on an act.

Look, leave him alone, will you?

- Nobody here asked for American aid. - Phil...

What are you trying to play? The father figure?

Shut up! One more word out of you and I'll nail you to the wall.

What's the matter?

- Phil! - What are you butting in for?

Why bother? He's our friend, not yours. You hardly know him.

Phil, are you all right?

Where's the fire, man?

Hey, Phil! Phil, wait a minute! Phil!

Phil! Phil!

I trying to help you, Phil. We'll find Melina.

Phil, open this door. Come on, open it!

Phil, we'll find Melina.

- Phil! - Phil, where are you?

Phil! Hey!

- Come on down, daddy. - What're you doing?

Phil! Come down to us!

- Come down to us, man. - There he is!

Hey, Phil, you're flying high, man.

Oh, Phil, darling, don't be silly.

I told him to find us, daddy.

Phil, Christ, get us out! They're just putting you on.

Oh, Phil, darling, don't be an idiot, come on down.

Use your parachute.

Come on, let's go back to the ranch.

Oh, for heaven's sake, come down, Phil. I've got no head for heights.

Come on, Icarus. I'll catch you.

Go away! All of you!

Phil, open this, there's a latch.

Don't do anything stupid up there!

You haven't done anything bad, boy!

Nothing you can't live with.

- No! - Oh, no!

Thank you.

How'd it go?

Moise handled everything. What a performance.

According to him, Phil committed suicide because he failed his exams last week.

Exams?

He's a... was a medical student.

Oh, that's right, I'd forgotten.

They almost congratulated Moise for trying to save his life.

Tutzi cried real tears.

God, it was a farce.

You, too?

Me, too. Yes.

What happened last night, Nina?

What happens at any party any night.

Did Phil and Melina have a fight?

No, I don't think so.

My memory isn't that clear.

It was such a shambles. You know, usual thing.

Something must've happened.

Yes, as a matter of fact, something did happen.

What?

What, Nina?

Did she give this to you last night?

Not exactly.

What about it?

Well, it's not going to be easy. The whole thing was a blur.

It was just one of those parties.

We were all so drunk.

I was high as a kite. Melina, too.

She'd passed out.

I remember hearing Fran say...

Hey! Melina's passed out.

Oh, no, it wasn't Fran, it was Ada.

Hey, Melina's passed out.

Well, she doesn't look so chic now.

Wait a minute.

Wait, yes, Ada said...

I want her dress.

Well, take it. She'll never know the difference.

I'll help you.

And they began undressing her.

Undressing her? Why?

Well, there was always something...

Something about her clothes that seemed to bother people.

She was just too...

Too what?

She's so chic!

Come. Why don't you come and do this to me some time?

Ouch!

I'm sorry, this isn't very coherent.

I can't even remember where Moise was.

The only thing I do remember, was you and Libby coming in.

Where can I find Moise? Now!

Maybe we all ought to lay low some place maybe, huh?

"Maybe we all ought to lay low some place maybe, huh?"

Oh, shut up, will you? It's like a gangster movie.

He's right, Moise.

But why are we all feeling so guilty? We haven't done anything.

At least I haven't.

What about that thing you are wearing?

Well, maybe I ought to get rid of it.

No, you keep that, baby. That's something for you.

Well, hello, Carson.

You should have let us know you were coming,

we would have, um, tidied up the place a little bit.

Oh, do come in, Mrs Carson. Sit down, won't you? Please do.

You look remarkably fresh and virginal.

My, we do make a charming couple this morning, don't we?

You may skip the sarcasm, Moise.

I want to know what happened last night.

You were here. It was just another dull party.

Phillip is dead, Moise.

Yes.

Yes, I know, we're all very sorry about that.

Oh, I'll bet you are.

Now, what about Melina?

- Melina? - Yes.

Nina told me about the stripping. Now you tell me the rest.

Oh, I see, you're trying to clear your own conscience

before you start your next engagement. How very moving.

Okay, yes, if you want.

But you had better tell me. Because if you don't,

I'm going to turn this into Cops and Robbers.

He's threatening me with the constables. How crude, but logical.

Okay, Mr DA, what do you want to know, daddy?

Everything you left out of your statement to the police.

For instance, why did Phil really commit suicide?

Because he did something pretty terrible.

So terrible, in fact, that maybe even you don't wanna know about it.

- You let me be the judge of that. - It's going to hurt you, dad.

No.

No more than it hurt him. Go ahead.

It all started as a gag and Phil got all excited.

He was worse than any of them. Very wild.

Yeah!

Oh, she certainly doesn't look so chic now.

How earthy.

Earthy, yes.

Virtue is posthumous.

Dust unto dust.

Rest in peace.

- Rest in peace. - Rest in peace.

Rest in peace.

So, let's bury her.

That's what Phil said. "Let's bury her."

And the drunken flips decided to have a funeral.

- Into the tomb with her. - A shroud.

Light candles, pray.

Put her on this, Geronimo.

And you got to lie still, Melina, and close your eyes.

Think frigid.

Melina, I'll miss you so much.

Oh, when you got to go, you got to go, just like to the jungle.

Hey, flowers. There must be flowers.

Lay her in the earth and from her fair, polluted flesh, may violets grow.

Hey, put an apple in her mouth.

Oh, I must have a lock of her hair. Just a tiny lock.

Oh, Melina, my sister, come back to me.

May flights of vultures guide thee to thy rest.

A hearse! We've forgotten the hearse.

The next thing I knew, we were all out on the streets,

mourning our heads off.

Having a real funeral.

- You look so pretty. - But she's dead.

I loved you.

Melina. Melina, come back.

Hey, stop, this looks like a good place.

A good place for what?

And then, the drunken idiots started digging a grave.

They were actually going to bury her.

Oh I came to my senses about then and soon put a stop to that.

And?

And... And we went back to the party.

And Melina?

We left her there to sleep it off. That's why Phil flipped, Carson.

That's why he went off the roof this morning.

When he heard that, it was... It was too much.

Too much because, basically he was decent. Basically.

Phil didn't leave with you.

He stayed at the party. I saw him.

And I saw you, too, Nina.

And believe me, baby, you were in no fit state to see anybody.

I'm sure he stayed at the party. He was asleep on the floor.

He fell asleep after we got back here. I had to carry him up to the balcony.

That's right, Nina. I saw him leave. I wasn't drunk.

Anyway, so what?

So what? It was a terrible thing to do, but we've done much worse things.

Yeah. Hey, how about that night we got that Mexican dame drunk,

stripped her and painted her green.

- Where is she? - This is where I came in.

Where is she?

She's gone, Carson.

She came around to my room at about 5:00 this morning.

She was blazing, which is understandable.

She said she never wanted to see Phil again.

Or you, or me, or any of us.

She said she was going to run so fast this time,

that nobody'd ever catch up with her.

Run where?

She didn't even know where.

She left her bags and said she'd let me know where to send them,

when she got there.

She did, huh?

Yes, she did.

What do you think will happen if this comes out at Phil's inquest?

I mean, what will people think? What will her father think?

All right, the police don't know anything about this.

Let's keep it that way.

Well, naturally, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

Keep it that way.

Until I find her, intact, with her clothes on and unpainted.

And this time if I don't find her,

I'm going to tear you apart.

All of you. One by one.

There you are. I told you, nothing to worry about.

Well, I have to find her. I just can't let it ride.

What about...

...us?

Us?

Well, I think we make a charming couple.

Carson.

There's something I've got to tell you before we go any further.

What is it? Go ahead.

Tell me.

Mr Carson! Did he find you?

Don't tell me somebody's looking for me, too.

Indeed there is. He arrived this afternoon.

Oh, what a thoroughly unpleasant person.

He wants you to go and see him right away.

- Who? - Melina's father.

In here, Carson.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Thought I'd surprise you. - I am surprised.

- Sit down. - Thanks.

Well, let's have it. Let's start at the beginning.

Uh, but first of all, who was that slob I was talking to?

Oh, you mean, Hector.

I might've guessed it.

Well, this Hector, I'm not sure I got this right, but,

he tells me some guy took a dive off the roof this afternoon?

Yeah, it... it was an accident.

And, furthermore, he tells me that this guy is a friend of Melina's?

Yes, as a matter of fact, they were engaged.

They were what?

They were engaged...

Oh, good God Almighty.

Who is he?

A boy she met here.

Some limey kid I suppose, looking for a rich American wife.

He's dead, Ben, so skip it.

What's she doing living in this joint, with a pansy for a doorman,

guys falling off the roof?

- She just moved in. - What are you doing living there?

- I just moved in, too. - Look, Carson, for the love of...

And I decided to let you talk, so come on.

- Well... - Hold it. What does this mean?

"Melina okay. Everything fine. Nothing to worry about. Carson."

- Well, you see... - In other words now,

you correct me if I'm wrong, you haven't even seen her, have you?

- No, I haven't... - Ah, that's what I thought,

when you sent this instead of phoning me that you were just being gutless.

I wasn't being gutless, I was just putting you off!

Don't put me off any longer!

- All right, then, listen, will you? - I'm listening!

Okay.

Now, I got here in London...

This Hector, this pal of yours,

he also tell me that she checked out of the joint.

- Right. - Well, where is she now then?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

She's been dodging me ever since I came here.

It's home all over again.

The same old familiar pitch all over again.

Don't think the fact that you're here is gonna change anything,

because she'll give you the same run around, too.

Who is Nina, huh? Nina! Who is Nina?

Oh!

Oh, boy. You and Hector must have had quite a session.

He mentioned her name a couple of times, that's all.

She's a friend of mine.

Maybe Melina objects to this friendship. Maybe that's why she left.

Oh, Ben!

Carson, I intend to find her. That's why I came.

Now you, why did you come? You're not on a vacation, you know.

No, I'm gonna find her.

I'm gonna get this thing settled once and for all.

There's nothing to get settled, it's all over.

- Oh, is it now? - It is.

Once and for all.

Carson, you're still a kid.

Don't throw away a good future.

Meaning?

I want Melina's happiness.

Now, you've done very well with the firm,

but don't think I can't make a few readjustments.

Such as?

Martin has been handling your division very well so far.

Martin's a good man. He deserves a break.

I agree.

Carson, come back here.

Come back here.

I've been fired.

It doesn't seem to bother you very much.

Of course it does. I'll never be able to show my face in the businessman's club.

Why, who's gonna play golf with me now or squash?

I'm an ex-vice president, Nina. Let's celebrate.

Want a drink?

No.

Neither...

...do...

...I.

Help. Let me out of here.

Impossible. I've just swallowed the key.

Carson, stop clowning.

I told you I've something to tell you. I've been trying to tell you...

If it's the story of your life, forget it.

Yes. That, too, of course. But there's something else.

There's something important.

All I want to hear from you is a simple yes or no, Nina Jarvis,

-from the one Stow... - Stow-on-the-Wold.

Do you take this man, Carson,

this shabby has-been living on his unemployment insurance,

do you take him or do you leave him?

Take him now?

Tonight, you mean? And leave him later?

Yes or no, Nina? Cut out the incidentals.

Yes. What a question.

Who's that?

Trouble.

Sounds like it, doesn't it?

Hello?

Ben?

What? I can't hear you.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

What for?

Oh, sure.

Right away.

What's it all about, Ben?

Ben?

Hello?

Ben. He found Melina.

You see, it wasn't hard to find her.

All you had to do...

...was to go to the nearest police station.

What happened?

Hit and run driver.

She's been here since last night.

Why wasn't anyone notified?

Couldn't identify her.

What's that?

Would you mind signing this, please? It's for the clothing of the deceased.

The deceased?

The deceased.

Do you remember the day she came into the board meeting with her tooth?

Oh, no.

No, you couldn't remember that, she was only four.

Five.

Lost her first tooth.

She went around like this,

showing everybody.

I never spoiled her.

Her mother was always saying, "Ben, you're spoiling her."

It's not true.

She had as much discipline...

You can't teach a child that age algebra.

I think we'll take her out to Woodlawn Cemetery.

It's nice there.

What happened?

All of a sudden what went wrong?

Why is she gone?

Oh God, I feel so old.

What will I tell her mother?

Poor kid.

I wonder where she thought she was going.

It isn't fair.

I guess,

it's just a question of time.

Sooner or later...

She shouldn't have died before she had at least half a chance to grow up.

Would you believe me if I told you I only grew up just recently.

Very recently.

I'd believe you.

I've been ageing rather rapidly myself.

I knew about it, Carson.

I've known about it all day.

Tutzi told me.

- You've known? - I tried to tell you, I...

I tried all day but I couldn't.

I kept putting it off.

I couldn't.

I wanted to keep us

isolated a little longer, together.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

I'm alive.

She was wearing these.

They must've dressed her up in this stuff

after they took off her own clothes.

They couldn't have taken her out of the party naked.

But Libby said Melina came to her place afterwards

and told her she was leaving town.

No.

Melina wouldn't have left wearing this stuff.

She'd have put her own clothes on. Libby was lying.

Moise is lying.

You're all lying!

Moise?

Carson's looking all over for you. I just saw Geronimo.

- What for? - Well, I don't know.

But I think he's found her, and her father's here.

- Who's father? - Melina's father.

Moise, I'm scared.

Well, don't just laugh. What are we going to do?

Give me a cigarette.

Moise, it's serious. Don't just ignore it.

Would you like a cigarette, Ada?

You look like the Statue of Liberty.

Well, I got to sing songs.

See you.

# I went down to the river

# Didn't mean no harm

# I went down to the river

# Didn't mean no harm

# And I found my best friend

# In my good man's arms

# Now if you’ve got a good man

# Don't advertise the news

# Or soon you'll be crying

# Lost my good man blues

# Don't trust another woman

# Don't walk with her hand in hand

# Said don't trust another woman

# Don't walk with her hand in hand

# 'Cause you can bet all your money

# She'll walk off with your good man

# I'm gonna run away tomorrow

# Gonna leave this neighbourhood

# Gonna rock... #

Go on, you sing it, it's easy. All you've got to do is fake it.

No, don't touch me.

I heard you're looking for me. What for, do you wanna shoot it out?

Oh, no. You're not gonna clown this one up.

No, Carson, I don't feel like clowning.

It was an accident, Carson.

- Listen, Carson, let me... - Knock it off, will you?

- Go ahead, listen to the weasels. - It was him!

We had nothing to do with it. It was all his idea.

- Right. Nothing. - What was?

- What do you mean, "Nothing"? - Just that. Nothing.

Except... she's dead.

She's dead because you dragged her out of that party and took her somewhere.

- And for all I know, you killed her. - Not even that, Carson.

At least that would have made a very good television series.

You're gonna talk, goddammit.

All right, Carson.

I'll give you the truth.

Why don't you crawl back under your stone?

I wonder if I'll ever have a daughter,

would she get high, too?

And will some hobo maul her with his thick hands?

Hey, Melina's passed out.

Well, she doesn't look so chic now.

Moise...

I want her dress.

Well, take it. She'll never know the difference.

I'll help you.

- You have to do something. - Like what, Tutzi?

Perform a miracle? Bring her back to life?

She's so chic.

Come. Why don't you come and do this to me sometime?

Yeah!

Virtuous posthumous.

Dust unto dust. Rest in peace.

We have to get her out of here.

Hey, let's bury her.

Can you think of a better idea?

What else can they do with...

...nice little American girls when they've had their kicks.

- Into the tomb with her. - A shroud.

Light candles, pray.

May flights of vultures guide thee to thy rest.

- A hearse! We've forgotten the hearse. - Yeah, let's put her in the hearse.

All right, all together. Pull it. Up!

Hey, stop! Here's a good place.

A good place for what?

For burying her. what did you think?

Look, he found a spade.

Come on. Get her down.

Don't just stand there, Ada. Come on, help me.

Take the other end.

Oh, give us a hand somebody, please.

- Mind your fingers. - Oh, mind my fingers.

- Okay, now, push her up. Up. - Careful, careful.

Hold it.

Careful. Don't drop her! Oh, her poor back.

Gosh, those American girls weigh a lot.

- Well, she's a dead weight. - She's the heaviest girl I have ever...

Oh, mind my skirt.

Okay. Amen. I need a drink.

So do I. I want to get as high as Melina.

And wake up with the same hangover? You're raving mad.

"Sleep.

"But in that sleep of death, what dreams may come."

Bye-bye, Melina.

You're raving mad, you are.

It's not fair.

We cannot leave her here, Moise.

We'll fix something. You can fake anything.

So she was dead then? When we were undressing her?

- She couldn't be, no. - Yes.

It wasn't his fault, Carson. It was nobody's fault.

Get out of here.

Beat it!

Don't!

Get out all of you! Go on!

She was your fiancée.

And I dumped her dead body in the gutter.

You could shoot me for that and get away with it.

Maybe... Maybe you don't care enough.

If it were Nina...

If it were Nina, that would be a different story.

If it were Nina, Carson,

maybe then you'd feel a little

of what I feel now.

You're not trying to kid yourself into thinking that you loved Melina, are you?

Love? I don't know what you're talking about.

But she was the closest I've come to a miracle.

Because she never went to bed with you? Hmm?

You dirty little puritan!

I'm willing to pay for what happened to her.

Somebody's got to do that. She deserved that at least.

And I'll do it.

The payment has been made in full!

She's dead. Phil's dead.

And the bucket of slop has been kicked over, and we've all wallowed in it.

Now, let's get out of this dungeon and grow up.

Out of the dungeon and grow up, did you say?

It's too easy, Carson.

Well, there's one person that hasn't grown up.

One person that hasn't had their face pushed in the slop bucket. Yet.

The train now standing at platform five,

is the 9:45 boat train to Southampton.

Sure you won't change your mind and come with us?

Yes, Ben, I'm sure.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

What did you do when you were my age?

I started my own company.

That was the day. You could do that.

No.

I have to find something else to do.

Why?

You know why, Ben.

So, you're sending her back home?

Putting her in the vault, locking the doors, rest in peace.

And the moral?

Drive cars carefully.

What do you think you're gonna do?

- I'm gonna tell him the truth. - Oh, no. You're not.

What are you frightened of, Carson?

- Little bit of a stink, maybe? - You're not gonna tell him anything.

You're gonna get out of here fast.

I'm gonna rip the lid off that box and let the fresh air in.

You do that and I'll break your neck, and that won't be an accident.

I'm gonna stand right here, buddy,

and I'm gonna yell the truth at the top of my lungs.

The truth?

Everybody gets broken up here, Carson, all of us.

Hey, Morgan!

Moise.

Go ahead. Tell him.

Mr Morgan.

You were right. We have to give him at least half a chance to grow up.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hey, where you going?