Original subtitles

And for the final piece of treasure of the day,

let's head over to Elaine.

So, who do we have next?

I'm Gloria. Good luck, Gloria.

I'm now gonna hand you over

to the expertly seasoned hands of Elaine.

Hello, Gloria.

Psst! So, where have you come from today?

Oh, I'm the local mechanic. Wonderful.

Yeah. You look much younger in real life.

Oh!

Too kind. So, what have you brought along today?

Amateurs!

I've brought this painting. Oh, this isn't a painting.

It's a lithograph by Robert Hillingford.

Probably early 20th century.

What's a lithograph?

Hm.

It's a printing process using a flat stone or metal plate

on which the image areas are worked using a greasy substance

so that the ink adheres to them

whilst the non-image areas are made ink-repellent.

It's not painted on paper.

Right.

Mm-hm. Is it a family heirloom?

No. It's always hung in the garage toilet.

I thought it looked posh, so I brought it here.

Well, it's an image of Wellington at Waterloo.

The ink distribution is... very smooth.

Right.

And worth around...

..600 euro.

Oh. Ooh!

TITTERING

Cut.

OK. Brilliant.

Everyone out to the terrace for summing up with David,

then on to the final link with Nick.

Thank you so much for bringing this today.

It is absolutely stunning.

Does it take pride of place...?

They don't need the boom on this one because David's been miked up,

whatever that means.

David's skin is surprisingly good for his age.

He hardly needed any powder.

Well, he's probably had work done, darling.

Most of these TV types do.

Oh, darling, you're absolutely right.

I must get the number of his surgeon.

Ready, Nick?

And... action.

What a wonderful time we've had in the beautiful Sainte-Victoire.

And next week, get your castanets out

as the European road trip continues.

Bilbao, Spain.

See you then.

Cut!

And that's a wrap. CHEERING

SCREAMING

MURMOURING

Call an ambulance!

# Do you remember the first time

# That my eyes set on you?

# Your smile came from nowhere

# For some time never

# Or some time soon

# The road is a long one

# I was only passing through

# I was only passing through. #

Jean, we're having a nightmare.

The rest of the crew are stranded at Gatwick.

God knows how we're gonna film today.

Well, why did you drive? 'Elaine won't fly.'

And Paul doesn't trust the baggage control with his equipment.

And then trust the van to break down!

You're good to go. But thanks for sending Gloria.

I'll follow you up there just in case she blows again.

Brilliant. Thank you so much.

Hey. Hey, Jean.

Sorry about all of this.

Oh. Hi, Paul. Blimey, you're looking trim.

Thank you very much, Jean.

See you in a bit. Thanks.

See you later, love.

See you, love.

Hey, there's a queue forming outside already.

And there's a fella at the front with what looks like a sleeping bag.

That's a bit keen, innit?

Oh, that must be the chap that gave me this for Elaine.

I must remember to pass it on.

Antique Antics is a very popular show.

Thank you, Jean, for suggesting they filmed it here.

It was David's idea, actually.

I'm surprised he came back after what happened last time.

Yeah, I do feel a bit bad about that.

What happened?

Oh, David married a madman who tried to kill him in Jean's house.

Yeah. The producer, Paul, is an old university friend of mine,

and when he offered me the job as a pundit on the show,

well, I instantly offered David up instead.

Did you not fancy it?

No, it's not my bag.

But, David, he's always first in the queue at the karaoke,

and I thought it'd be right up his street. And I was right.

He's a big superstar now.

You turned down Antique Antics?

Are you mad?

You could have made us all famous.

No, it'd have made me famous, Judith,

and I couldn't think of anything worse.

But anyway, they're filming in your beautiful summerhouse.

I mean, how exciting is that? Yes!

That queue is getting massive.

I might get housekeeping

to set up a little drinks corner for refreshments.

Can't look a gift horse in the mouth, eh?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, once an entrepreneur, always an entrepreneur.

I'd better give him a hand.

I'll say it again - that was a very nice thing you did for David.

Well, there... Hm?

..might have been another reason why I turned down the job.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd have spent loads of time filming away,

and right now, I'm exactly where I wanna be.

Well, that's a coincidence.

They're here!

Ooh.

Hey, Jean, this is dead exciting.

You never told me! I'm nipping home for a painting to get it valued.

If you want a painting valued, I'll do it for you.

Yeah. You can't get me on the telly.

See you in a bit.

SHE SCOFFS, LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Thank you. There she is.

Hi! You look smashing. Oh.

Hey, can I get one of those?

You certainly can. Come on. Hello!

Ah! Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is my old friend Jean. And mine.

Er, less of the old.

Oh, I don't think you'll be needing those umbrellas.

It's not rained here for about six weeks.

They're for the sun, dear.

It's been a long journey.

Let's go shoot this nonsense, shall we?

Yeah. Of course. Erm...

Follow me. Yeah.

Oh, Nick. He's followed me to France.

When will it stop?

Hm.

Welcome to Epoustouflant, our summer home.

I'm a huge fan of the show.

Where is your green room?

Oh, yes, now I know what that means.

That's TV speak for waiting room.

We've transformed our conservatory.

Where is it?

Just through there.

Hm.

I-I was just saying to Jean, it's been a long journey.

I know, they're a lot friendlier on the telly.

How are you doing? I'm Paul, the director and producer.

Thank you so much for letting us use your house.

I really do appreciate it.

Well, you're a step up

from the highly dodgy resident we had last year.

This is Judith, and this is my good friend Dom.

Ah. Good to meet you, Dom. You have very good taste in friends.

Ah, Jean, it's so good to see you again.

And you look great.

Now, we have a bit of a situation.

We literally have no crew. They're stranded in Gatwick.

You're welcome to stay as long as you need.

Thank you, Judith, but we have to be on the road to Spain tomorrow,

as we only have that particular venue for a day.

So, how can we help? I need someone to hold the boom.

Oh, yes, I can do that.

What's a boom?

It's a huge microphone we hold over the public's head.

You're a bit on the, um... petite side.

We need someone taller.

Oh, well, Dom can do that.

Oh, no, I'm not sure, I...

Perfect. Thanks, Dom.

What can I do?

How about make-up? What?

Well, judging from the glamour of yourself,

you've clearly got a talent. Well, thank you, David.

Great idea. All you need is some powder and a brush.

I think I'll need more than that.

Some of the people who appear on your show

look like they've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Right. The refreshment stall's

being set up just outside the function room.

Jeremy, this is Paul. He's the director and producer.

Hi, Jeremy. Uh, refreshment stall?

Gotta keep the troops fed and watered, eh?

Great. Well, thanks for getting so much sorted.

I'll make sure you're well compensated for this.

Oh. No problem. Thanks.

I'm the make-up artist for the day, darling.

I'm going to transform all the frightful people.

Oh, congratulations, darling.

Right, let's get to it.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

There you go. You look amazing. Judith, love,

we really need to crack on.

All good here.

And... action!

HE SPLUTTER

Absolutely extraordinary.

INAUDIBLE

And... action!

Welcome back from the break.

So, the answer to the mystery is

a retailer or manufacturer of porcelain

would simply shop around for the cheapest silversmith.

It's easy when you think about it.

Anyway, over to Elaine for this week's Trash Or Treasure.

Thanks, Nick.

Now, take a look at these two items.

I missed my calling. I am transforming people.

And I'm doing a roaring trade here, darling.

Look after the pennies...

And the pounds will look after themselves.

Hello. I'm Nigel.

Did you manage to give the gift to Elaine yet?

Oh! I'm sorry, old chap, I completely forgot.

Um, big fan of hers, are you?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes,

you were the one in your little sleeping bag, front of the queue.

Yeah. Elaine and I go back a long way.

I made a promise to never miss any of her shows.

Oh, Yeldons chocolates!

That takes me back to old Blighty. I tell you what,

I will make her a nice cup of tea and give her the chocolates now.

No, she only drinks pure spring water from her Augarten china cup.

Hm! Right, then, well, I'll just give her the chocolates, then.

Thank you. I would do it myself, but, um...

David and Nick can be very protective of her.

I'm not allowed anywhere near.

Hm.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh! Yeldons chocolates.

I've not had them since I was a kid.

In all the years I've lived in France,

I've never seen a box of these.

Hands off, Dominic. These are for Elaine,

from her number-one fan over there.

The reason why most teddy bears have one side of their face

flatter than the other

is because it shows how much they have been loved.

Cut. Oh, great work, Nick.

You know, it's hotter than Hades out here.

I'm gonna need a considerably higher factor sun cream.

Or I suppose that's just too much to ask!

OK, everyone, let's break for lunch. That's half an hour.

My arms are killing me. Engage the core.

What?

If you engage your core, you'll put less pressure on your arms.

Oh. All right.

Sorry, Dom. That made me sound like an idiot.

It's just that I lost four stone last year.

Retained a few tricks of the trade.

Oh, wow.

I hadn't seen my toes since the noughties.

Shut it! I'm serious.

You wouldn't have recognised me. Oh. Well, you look great now.

Well done.

What's your usual workout?

Er, you know, do a bit of planking.

Ooh, that's what I mean. Engage the core. Good man.

Hey, you know, I got everyone delayed

on purpose so I could work with you? You didn't?

No, but I'm really happy it's worked out like this, Jean.

You are a natural.

Is there no way I could persuade you to join the team?

You'd be amazing.

What is this, a tag team? It's a great gig.

Not just the travel, but the stuff you get to see.

I handled a real Caravaggio in Rome.

You didn't? The brush detail was exquisite.

I mean, that is amazing. It really was.

Dom, can you give us a hand with the large amphora?

What? Don't worry. It's nothing medical.

THEY CHUCKLE It's a vase.

Yeah, I know, I know what it is. I didn't hear you properly.

Come.

So, what are you up to after the European tour?

Oh, we've just been commissioned to do a new spin-off series.

It's like an antiques competition quiz thing.

Oh. Sounds interesting.

Yeah. The only thing is, unfortunately,

I can only take Elaine or David, as the network only needs one expert.

I mean, they'll still be on this show, but...

Hm. Do they know?

Oh, yeah, I told them. They both understand. Such professionals,

but the channel hasn't made up its mind yet.

David would love to do more of this stuff.

Even being the occasional pundit on this show,

it's changed his life.

And I've got you to thank for that.

I would still have preferred you, Jean.

Oh!

OK! Sorry.

Steady, Dom.

Oh!

On first appearances, this looks like an innocent brass vase.

But if we look at the base, we can see a date. 1914.

And a location - Dusseldorf.

This is a beautiful example of trench art

crafted out of an artillery shell during the First World War.

Oh, my!

Hm.

That's over to you, Nick.

Sometimes, they let me do the odd analysis,

especially if it's to do with music,

as these guys haven't got a clue about anything past 1900.

LAUGHING

So, this is made from shellac,

a lot harder, heavier and colder

than the vinyl record that replaced it.

We can tell by the sound, even without playing any music.

I mean, it will play,

but it may be a few more shows until we find a working player.

CHUCKLING

So, Japanese dragons supposedly had three or four toes,

whereas Chinese dragons supposedly had five.

APPLAUSE

Well, it's an image of Wellington at Waterloo.

The ink distribution is very smooth.

Right. And worth around...

..600 euro. Oh!

SHE CHUCKLES

Cut. OK. Brilliant.

Everyone out to the terrace for summing up with David,

then on to the final link with Nick.

It was lovely to meet you, Gloria.

Oh, you, too. Yes.

600 euro? Well, yes, there or thereabouts.

Oh!

What a wonderful time we've had in the beautiful Sainte-Victoire.

And next week, get your castanets out,

because the European road trip continues.

Bilbao, Spain.

See you then.

Cut!

And that's a wrap.

CHEERING

SCREAMING

D'accord. Merci beaucoup.

Elaine didn't make it.

Poison?

The paramedics are 99% certain.

SHE EXHALES

Oh. Hello, love.

How are you doing? Is Elaine OK?

Er...

No, I'm afraid not.

I'm sorry.

I think I may have a migraine coming on.

That'll be the shock. I just want to go home.

Sorry, Gloria, but no-one can leave until everyone has been interviewed.

Maybe Gloria could have a little lie-down here?

Of course. We've got plenty of rooms.

HE CHUCKLES

Hey, hey. I'm right here, all right?

Jean, it makes more sense than ever

to ask for your help with this subject matter.

Yes, of course. Whatever I can do to help.

Yeah. Jean was nearly the star of it.

Pardon? Well, they offered her the job of lead pundit,

but she gave it away to David.

Is this true?

Yes, but I couldn't think of anything worse

than all that attention.

I totally agree.

OK, shall we start the interviews in the lounge?

OK.

Do any of you know anyone who might want to harm Elaine?

Well, she was a bit of an ice maiden.

Don't hold back, Nick. Her words, not mine.

I'm... I'm just saying.

What are you saying?

She wasn't very warm on or off screen.

The viewers loved her. Of course they did,

but she wasn't really a TV personality.

How do you mean?

She was the best dealer in the business.

Yes, but that didn't necessarily make her likeable on screen.

She was...

super firm.

And scrupulously fair.

Do any of you have any knowledge of what she ate or drank today?

Why do you ask that?

It is becoming quite apparent that she was poisoned.

Well, she did have her traits, did Elaine.

Very Hollywood.

She would not eat before she finished filming.

One of her good-luck habits.

But I did see a cup of tea on the table.

Yes, you saw a cup, but no tea in it.

Just water. She wouldn't touch anything else.

Just pure spring water from a bottle.

Oh, can we take a break and get a coffee?

That is a good idea. But everyone must stay in the house.

We will need formal statements from all of you.

Hey.

I need to tell you something.

Go on.

David gave Elaine a bottle of water in the car as we arrived.

And?

She couldn't find hers.

Swore she left with it this morning.

Ah, she was always misplacing stuff.

I'm not accusing him of anything.

I'm just saying it's pretty convenient,

given the current circumstances, no?

I suffered with terrible migraines for years after we lost the twins.

It's where I got my love of sunglasses from.

I decided that my trauma would be glamorous if nothing else.

It gave me a way to... own it.

Darling! Lights off. You know the rules.

Oh, yes. Sorry, Gloria.

I've, um, bought you a drink.

Thank you.

Is there anything else we can do?

I need my prescription pills.

They're brilliant. They work almost instantly.

Where are they?

Back at the garage. In the bathroom cabinet.

Er... Nobody's allowed to leave the house!

Well, we can't let her suffer like this.

What can we do?

Let's slip out the back. No need to make a fuss.

We'll be back before anyone misses us.

Good idea.

We will be back before you know it.

Come on, darling.

I mean, I'm not keen on any of them apart from David.

That Nick with his little sun umbrella. What's that about?

Who does think he is, Jane Austen? And that Paul?

He clearly fancies you.

"I've lost four stone."

"Oh, well done, mate. You must have been massive."

Excuse me, David, please come with me for some questioning.

This way.

"I've not seen my toes since the noughties, you see."

JEREMY CLEARS THROAT

It's all right.

What on earth is going on?

We have a witness who swears

that David gave Elaine her drinking water this morning.

Yes, I did. So what?

I do most mornings. She's always forgetting things.

But that was the only thing she consumed all day.

Jean also told me it was between you and her

to present a new spin-off show.

Oh! Hang on! What are you trying to insinuate?

Well, it's quite the motive, isn't it?

I don't think I have ever been more insulted.

I am a dealer, first and foremost. I have been for 30 years.

Yes, telly is great, but it's not my whole life.

How dare you suggest I would try to kill someone

just to get my 15 minutes of fame?

I think with Elaine now gone, maybe the fame would last a little longer.

Caron, David is one of my closest friends!

I do realise that, Jean, but the facts are...

Yeah. One man's opinion. Which is yet to be proved to be a fact.

David isn't capable of harming anyone.

I have to ask the questions, Jean.

OK.

So, I'm going to look at the footage that's been filmed so far,

because we must be missing something.

Jean...

..I didn't mean to upset anyone.

It is the truth, and it had to be said.

I'm upset because one of my closest friends is upset,

so I am gonna prove his innocence.

Very good.

And then you can apologise.

'OK. Ready, Nick?

'And...' There you go.

Thanks, love. '..action.'

This is the last time we saw Elaine alive.

'And for the final piece of treasure of the day,

'let's head over to Elaine.'

At least someone had a go on the Yeldons chocolates.

What? Look.

Yeah, rewind it.

Yeah, keep going. There, there, there. Look.

I'd recognise a crystal caramel anywhere.

Look!

She ate one.

Jeremy must have passed 'em on from that weird bloke.

SHE EXHALES

I need to call him. Yeah.

Oh, come on, Jeremy, pick up.

RINGING

SIGHS

We need to talk to Caron.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

If you have anything to share, it would be easier

for you to do it now. No comment.

Jean, tell your copper friend here

that I have never been so badly treated in all my life,

and I will not be saying another word without a lawyer present.

Just bear with me, love. Caron?

We need a word.

Elaine's number-one fan bought her a box of chocolates.

Yeldons from England. You can't get 'em in France.

And?

It must have been the last thing she ever ate.

He's on the footage.

He was in the audience.

Let's go and talk to him.

Please do not go anywhere.

SHE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

That's him.

Dom, could you find Jeremy, or at least try and get hold of him?

Yeah, course. Thanks, love.

There you go.

I wonder if we could ask you a few questions, Monsieur...?

Nigel. My name's Nigel.

Er, yeah, of course.

This way, please.

Did you give some chocolates to Elaine?

Absolutely. I always give her a gift every show.

First time she's ever got 'em, though.

Er, David and Nick, they can be quite... protective.

Mm. At the moment, we cannot locate the rest of the chocolates,

but I'm willing to bet that they all contain poison, too.

What happened?

Did she reject you one time too often?

I saw how she looked at you on the way in.

She wasn't very pleased to see you.

That must have been hard to take after all these years.

Had you had enough?

NIGEL SCOFFS

Er...

Look, I'm the last person who wanted her dead.

Ten years ago, my mother died,

and to my shame, I didn't have enough money to bury her.

But she'd always talked about this expensive painting

that she had in her little council flat. Nobody really believed her.

But I took that painting to Elaine to sell

and try and get some money towards the cost of the funeral.

Well, she gave me £1,000 for it. I was over the moon.

I just about managed a very sparse funeral.

So Elaine helped you?

Two weeks later, I saw the very same painting in the paper.

It sold for £25,000.

It was a rare Mary Cassatt.

SHE GASPS

The name that's now seared into my brain.

So I charged back to the shop with the article and she blanked me.

She told me I must be mistaken

and did I have a receipt for this so-called painting?

And did you?

No, stupidly, I didn't. I...

I was just so desperate for the money.

But Elaine has built her entire TV career

on the fact that she's honest as the day is long.

Indeed she has. And that's why I go to as many of her shows as possible.

Wh-Why?

Well, to get my money back, of course.

So you didn't want her dead?

Good grief, no!

I just wanted my money back.

But she kept denying me, so I kept reminding her

of what she was -

a woman who let a man bury his mother on a shoestring out of greed.

Er, sorry, guys.

Uh, what's the matter? Dom said you needed to talk to me urgently.

Jeremy, the rest of the Yeldons chocolates -

where are they? We need to recover them all right away.

Why? We think they are poisoned.

Impossible.

We ate them.

Pardon?

A Yeldons strawberry supreme is quite simply irresistible.

Jeremy ate the rest.

Guilty as charged.

CARON EXHALES

So, am I free to go?

Uh, not quite. Please stay until otherwise informed.

Is that everything? We need to attend to something.

Yeah. Come along, Jeremy.

Yes, coming.

So, David is still our strongest suspect.

Still?

Well, it physically can't be anyone else.

We have a witness who saw him give Elaine a water bottle.

It was obviously the water that was poisoned.

So you have proof of that?

We are waiting for the lab results. Exactly.

So you can't be sure?

HE SIGHS

Maybe it would be a good idea if you helped me interview David.

He might be more willing to confess if you are there.

Are you having a laugh?

No. I'm being very serious.

David is my friend, and he's a very close friend.

And I'm not sure you know the meaning of the word.

Please, Jean, this is not personal. I am dealing in facts.

And the fact is, David is innocent. Come on, you two.

Let's try and stay calm, eh? I can see both sides here.

Jean.

There's a Citroen 2CV parked outside.

They always remind me of you.

What did you call yours again?

Buttercup. Buttercup!

That's it.

You crashed into a bush after a munchie run to an all-night garage.

Yes, and I've never been behind the wheel again.

Can't be good at everything, Jean. Yeah.

I have to start thinking about putting out a press release.

What, so soon? A lot of people in that room.

Someone will let the news out before we do.

Oh, God, it's so awful.

Paul? Mm?

Can I take a look at the footage again?

Of course you can. Come on.

MURMURING

'Oh, this isn't a painting. It's a lithograph by Robert Hillingford.'

KNOCKING 'Probably early 20th century.'

Hi.

Oh, love, I'm glad to see you.

I should have got you to value this after all.

Do you mind flogging it for me? I don't really wanna see it again.

Of course.

How are you doing?

Pills are kicking in, so a little better.

Do you think you're well enough to answer some questions?

Er... Just about, yeah.

Right, now,

can you remember what Elaine was like when the cameras moved off her?

Er...

she started moaning about

how the big microphone was nearly blocking her shot.

I hadn't noticed. Anything else?

Er...

She said she got bitten by a mosquito on the back of her leg

towards the end of the link. Mosquito?

Yeah. I remember being a bit confused

because I hadn't noticed any and they always get me.

She started scratching it quite vigorously,

saying how Waterloo stuff was popular back home,

but not here, for obvious reasons.

And then she started to slur like she was drunk.

I couldn't understand what she was saying, and then...

Take your time, love.

..she hit the floor.

I jumped up and went over...

and that's when I saw her face.

I just couldn't help it, Jean, I screamed.

Of course you did. Come on, you.

You go and look after yourself.

Thanks, love.

Nice to see you, Paul.

And thank you for fixing the van.

Hm. Hm.

So Gloria didn't hear any mosquitoes.

I didn't hear any mosquitoes.

Did you? No.

I think we're too high up in the mountains for them.

Yeah, I mean, I've seen that footage a few times now.

I'm sure I would have noticed.

Yeah, and I would have stopped filming if I heard any buzzing.

Hm.

Oh, I doubt she's gonna get 600 euros for this.

I mean, there's so many Waterloo prints flying about.

Waterloo.

Oh!

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

Caron, this sounds a bit mad, but I think...

HE SPEAKS ON PHONE

Please do not leave the property.

Stop!

PANTING

I think we need to ask you a few questions, sir.

Well, I never.

Now, should I explain how you killed Elaine,

or would you like to confess?

No? OK.

So, this is a Bulgarian umbrella, as you well know, Nick.

Now, it's called a Bulgarian umbrella

because it's how the Bulgarian dissident Georgi Markov was murdered

in London in 1978.

A tiny metal pellet was released from the tip here,

containing a deadly amount of ricin,

and, well, that amounted to certain death.

Elaine's body is being tested for ricin as we speak.

This is how I see it.

Psst.

'When you'd finished your link, you went off camera

'and you accidentally dropped your umbrella and script.

'When you went to pick them up,

'you discreetly stabbed Elaine in the back of her leg...'

Amateurs! '..and in the fuss with Judith,

'nobody noticed you doing it.'

In fact, I'm quite frustrated with myself

that I was distracted by your very individual diversion tactic.

Pardon?

Extreme rudeness.

HE EXHALES

So, how did you know?

SHE EXHALES

Well, it wasn't until I had chance to speak to my friend Gloria

that it all fell into place.

Elaine complained of a mosquito bite on her leg,

but there was no sound of mosquitoes in the footage at all.

And then I saw the Waterloo lithograph,

and something triggered in my brain.

Now, Georgi Markov was poisoned on Waterloo Bridge,

and before he got ill, he complained that an insect had bit him.

I put two and two together, and, um, well, I was right.

You are very well-read, Mrs White.

Hm.

I mean, how did you even get hold of one of these? They are so rare.

Hm.

It was on the very first series of Antique Antics

that I came across an elderly gentleman

standing in a queue with an umbrella.

He said he found it in his loft.

And you knew what it was straight away?

Of course I did.

I persuaded him to sell it to me right there and then.

Bless him. He didn't know what it was,

but, um...

I did,

and I never knew when it would...

come in so...

useful.

But I do not understand your motive.

Why kill Elaine?

She was no threat to you. I thought you were friends.

Television can be such a cruel business.

I knew that Paul was producing a new series for the network.

Yeah, but that was a spin-off. Your show wasn't under threat.

Ah, you see, that's where you are wrong.

My old friend in commissioning told me that

my show was finishing after this series,

and they were not planning on telling me till I shot the last one.

So...

OK, why Elaine and not David?

Elaine told me last week that she was chosen

and it was all top secret.

I mean, she was impossibly grand after all that,

so I figured if she was gone,

then they could hardly decommission my show

and I could continue as normal.

You've just murdered a woman,

and all you talk about is a TV show?

Hiya, love. Are you going now? I thought you were leaving tomorrow.

Jean, love,

please forgive me, but I've booked the flight home.

I just want my own bed.

It's proper taking it out of me.

I mean, Nick was never my favourite, but this!

He turned out to be a right nasty piece of work.

And there's nothing to forgive. I absolutely don't blame you.

I'm getting too bloody old for all this.

Never. You are forever young.

Come here.

SHE CHUCKLES

HORN HOOTING

Oh! Right, give me a call when you get home, yeah?

I will. Lots of love, kid.

There you go.

Hiya.

How are you doing?

Oh!

I'll tell you all about it when we get to the pub.

I don't know about you, but I am desperate for a drink.

Oh, same here. Are you ready, then, Dom?

Oh, I can't make it tonight, and Jeremy's asked me to help tidy up.

The housekeeper's called in sick. Oh, that's a shame.

Just you and me, then?

Yeah, I suppose so.

To be honest, I won't be there long. I am absolutely shattered.

Right. See you, then.

Night, then.

Oh, I'll call you tomorrow.

Elaine. Elaine.

So, what happens to the show now, then?

Well, I suppose I'll go back to London and try and reschedule.

It's gonna take a big rethink.

Oh, I bet. Hm.

I hope that means that it's not all over for David now.

Oh, no, no, no. He's too popular. Don't worry about him.

The show must go on, as they say.

Ah!

Jean?

Oh!

I've got something to tell you. Go on.

INAUDIBLE

PAUL CHUCKLES

Oh!

Dom? Dom!

Dom, I didn't think you were coming. Can I get you a drink?

Look, Jean, if you don't want this...

What?

I mean, you and me to be exclusive, then just tell me, eh?

I'm a big boy.

You're a grown woman. You can see whoever you wanna see,

but I just don't work like that. I need to know.

What are you talking about?

Well...

Him. Paul. I mean, there's clearly a spark between you both,

and... Hey?

Well, you knew I wasn't coming tonight, so...

Wow.

I can't believe you've just actually said that.

For your information, Paul,

who I've known since university, by the way,

has just told me that after years and years of trying,

his wife, Julia, is six months pregnant.

Jean!

I forgot to show you the 12-week scan.

I won't be a minute.

Maybe you're not ready for this yet, Dom.

I know Georgina cut you deep, but I would never do that to you.

And I don't wanna spend the rest of my life

thinking that you think I would.