Original subtitles

- I want to make you happy, Arthur. - I have no doubt about that.

See the picture. What is it?

- I don't know. Some baby. - Yeah. Our baby.

Her name is Ming Mei and is four days old.

Isn't she beautiful? I must call to the adoption agency.

- and tell her we'll be right over. to Beijing immediately.

I don't get it.

I've ordered Chinese before, but never a baby.

We don't.

What? What are you talking about?

I know you don't part with the apartment.

I should have got rid of it, but...

We had a deal. I quit, and I love that job.

You hated it. You always said that.

But I sacrificed myself for our future, you didn't.

Okay, Doug, what do you say?

- That it's over? - I guess so.

That's a great shot. Smile.

Ohh.

Oh, arthur, i've never been so happy in my life.

If our marriage ended tomorrow, i have no regrets.

Good to know.

Holly, how are you?

Hi, veronica. Hi, arthur.

Congratulations.

Look at you. You're pregnant.

No, no. I made that mistake before.

She has an eating disorder.

Oh, no, no. I actually am pregnant.

Oh, wonderful. So, where's your husband?

Uh, yeah. Where is he?

Uh, he must've gone to the men's room.

Oh, that's where arthur proposed to me.

Oh. I've had that happen, yeah.

Actually, it was more of a porta-Potty.

But anyway, congratulations.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Carrie, congratulations.

Thank you, lou.

It's a happy day, isn't it?

Yes, very happy day.

Hello.

Hey.

You're lookin' well.

I, uh, like the new highlights.

Thank you.

Look, danny, i know things got ugly

Between us when i moved out,

And that- That was my fault,

And i just wanna say i'm sorry.

Hey, man, don't worry about it, buddy, all right?

Good. Well, now that, you know, arthur's marrying my mom,

Um, he's probably gonna be taking, uh, my bed

Since it's same as hers,

So i was wondering if maybe i could...

Move back...

Who's this?

This is, uh, sandy, my new girlfriend

And roommate.

Roommate? That's...

Great.

Yeah, i moved in last week.

Oh, i had to pack up some of your stuff

To make some room in the closet, mostly...

Magazines.

Yeah, those are for a research project about thailand,

With, um...

Hey, spence, congratulations.

Oh. Thanks, lou.

Happy day, isn't it?

Very happy. Um,

Would you excuse me for a second?

Doug?

Spencer!

Hey, buddy, party's out here.

Let me just get you set up, man.

I gotta get you set up.

Ah. There you go, buddy.

Sit down. Sit down. Oh, god.

Hey.

What-Wh-What are you doing out here?

Just celebratin' my freedom.

Carrie and i are gettin' a divorce.

What?!

Mm-Hmm. Turns out she kept

Her apartment in manhattan,

So split 'em up!

Doug, i have a confession to make.

I'm the one that called and told you she was still in the apartment.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, i-

I thought i was in love with her.

But-But i realize now it was because things weren't going well at home, and...

Now that's gone, too.

You are one sweet...

Creepy little dude.

Hey, if you wanna move in with me, that's cool.

Really?

You mean it?

Hell to the yeah!

I know i mess with you a lot, but...

The truth is i love you more than any of my other friends.

Well, thanks, doug.

I- You know, y-You've always been kind of a hero to me.

I am not a hero!

I'll kill you!

Ok, i didn't-

I didn't mean anything by it.

And now i love you.

Come on. Let's wrestle.

Aw, kel, i can't believe i screwed everything up.

One moment of weakness, and i lost my husband, my ming mel.

He really won't forgive you?

No, and who can blame him?

I mean, i didn't show him

The commitment he deserves,

And that is just unforgivable.

Yeah, well, he's let you down lots of times.

Yeah, but nothing like this.

What about when he faked a heart attack

Because he forgot your boss' name?

That wasn't a big deal.

What about when he used your tax refund to buy an ice-Cream truck?

Yeah, but that was my fault.

I shouldn't have left the check lying around.

What about when you had to cancel your birthday trip to paris

Because he was a semifinalist in a bladder bust contest?

Yeah, that was a kick in the chiclets.

Folks, we have a very special treat for you tonight.

Our beautiful bride is gonna sing one of her hit records for us.

So please welcome to the stage

The very lovely and talented Ava st. Clair.

I- I'm not Ava st. Clair.

I'm not cliff robertson, but that didn't stop me

From signing my meals to his hotel room.

Now get up there.

So would you care for garden or caesar?

Uh, garden salad, please.

And would you know if there's anyone sitting there?

Yeah, my husband. Heh heh.

I mean, of course i have a husband.

Look at me.

Of course. Do you know if he would like garden or caesar?

Caesar.

Holly, it's so good to see you.

Hi, lou.

Such a happy day.

Oh, god.

This is pornographic.

Aah!

Ohh! Aah!

That-That's 11-4, me.

Let's go. Hands and knees.

No, i'm not wrestling with you anymore.

You don't respect my safe word.

Such a baby.

Hey, holly. I'm drunk. Are you?

No.

Well, a little.

Hey, hol. How's it goin'?

Great. Great.

My husband just left me,

And i'm about to have a baby with no job and no money,

But other than that, real good.

I'm splittin' up with carrie.

You wanna move in with me?

Really? Oh, my god. Yes. Yes.

No, no. You-Wait. You said i could move in with you.

Did i? You're out. Holly's in.

Doug, i-I can't believe how kind and generous you're being.

I mean, honestly, i didn't even think you liked me that much.

No. Truth is, i mean, i love you more than any of my other friends.

Oh, my god.

Doug, i'm-Thank you.

I really needed to hear something like that right now.

Oh, no problem.

Come on. Let's wrestle.

Thank you very much.

Now if i could have your attention, it's time for the toast.

Toasting our groom, arthur spooner,

Is his best man and son-In-Law, doug heffernan.

Holly, have you seen douglas?

He fell asleep when we were wrestling.

Well, at least you weren't under him when it happened.

That was 6 of the most terrifying hours of my life.

Spence, congratulations. You're my new best man.

Now get up there and toast me, kid.

I don't feel like it, arthur.

I'm having a very rough night.

I'm your father. I command you to toast me.

I'll toast who i want when i want.

You got that, dad?

This isn't over.

Hey, uh, heh.

Like the way you stood up to him there.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

You know, kind of reminded me of the way

You stood up to our landlord about that roach problem.

Oh. Well, the lease clearly states when there's more than a thousand,

It's his responsibility.

You see, i wouldn't have known that.

Hey, did you see america's next top model this week?

Yes! Can you believe it came down to marquesa and lisi?

I know! I mean, it's so obvious who's gonna win this thing.

Duh. Marquesa. Marquesa.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Marquesa. Eww.

Lisi's way better for couture.

Come on, danny. Let's go home. I'm bored.

All right. Why don't you, uh, go grab your jacket?

I'll be right with you. Ok.

Sorry about the whole marquesa thing.

It's cool. It's cool.

Well, i guess she's waitin' for me.

Better take off.

Yeah. See you at the allergist's.

I don't even know you that well.

I'm a crusty curmudgeon with a heart of gold.

Now go!

Hi. Uh, i'll never forget the first time i met arthur.

I was, uh, sitting in the heffernan living room, watching tv.

Uh, arthur came in, and when he saw me,

He begged me not to hurt him, then ran off to call the police.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hoo!

And, hello, remember that time your appendix burst

And he wouldn't leave work early?

He did leave work early to go to the rodeo.

That's it.

I just-I think you'll feel better

If you have a little something to eat.

I'll get you my husband's prime rib.

Oh. Thank you, spence.

You know, you really had me goin' out there, doug.

"I took a leap of faith for you.

You didn't take a leap of faith for me."

Do you know how many times in our marriage

You have screwed me over to do what you wanted to do?

Aw, here we go with the rodeo again.

It comes to town once a year!

It wasn't just that, doug. It was many other things,

And i forgave you for everything,

So you damn well better forgive me for this.

You don't tell me what i better damn well better do.

Ok, you know what?

Do whatever you wanna do, but let me tell you something.

I love this baby, and i want her,

And i am gonna get her for myself.

Oh, no. No, no, no, 'cause i wanted a baby first, ok?

So if anybody's gonna get the baby, it's gonna be me.

Oh, you really think so, butch?

Well, i'm on my way to china right now to get her.

Yeah? Not if i get there first.

I'm gonna get there first.

Whoa.

And then there was the time arthur thought i was eddie murphy.

Hey, we gotta go.

Go. Go where?

To china to get my baby. Come on.

Actually, you can just drop me at the airport

If you don't wanna come with.

Uh, sure.

Let's all toast arthur spooner, a great guy

Who's a little racist.

Doug, should i move in after you get back from china or-

Hey, holly! Glad to see you could make it.

Well, i guess i'm back out on the street.

Well, seeing as you and i are in the same situation,

Do you wanna get a place together?

Really? You mean it?

Oh, of course. I-I would like nothing better than...

You forget something?

Yeah.

I forgot my roommate.

W- Wait. You and i were gonna-

Yeah, that's not gonna work out.

Well, you know, if things work out between us,

You'll have to convert.

Of course i will.

To what?

I'll just get my passport,

And then we'll get the hell out of here.

Doug, you've never been out of america.

Why do you even have a passport?

I heard they still had the mcrib in canada.

Oh, hey. Off to china. Don't wait up.

Hey! Did you take my passport?

Oh, no, babe, it's still here...

Somewhere.

Hello.

You found it?

Gotta admit the vegetable crisper was an inspired choice.

But you've never gone in that drawer your whole life.

You don't even know it exists.

But deacon does.

His b.L.T. Was delicious,

As is my revenge.

Doug. Hmm?

Doug.

Oh, god.

What?

So what's our endgame here?

What are we gonna do when we land?

We gonna race through the streets of beijing to the adoption agency?

I don't know.

Because if we have to take rickshaws, you'll lose.

Not if it's downhill.

What happened here?

I don't know.

You know, when my, uh...

When my mom died when i was a kid,

It felt like i was nothing, you know, like i had no life.

My dad did his best to be a good parent, but...

Who we kiddin'?

Anyway, on-On sundays, he used to take me

To this park on vernon boulevard,

Right on the east river,

Where you could look across and see manhattan.

And while he was, uh, off

Handing out leaflets or chasing squirrels,

I would just stand at the railing,

And i would look at the beautiful apartment buildings

Across the river, and i- I would imagine this great life

That i might have someday actually living in one of them, you know,

With a great job as a fashion designer for sergio valente

Or goin' to studio 54 every night.

God, i'm old.

But then i grew up, and reality set in,

And the dream got put away.

And then i met you,

And i was-

I was happy in a whole...

New way i just- I never imagined.

I mean, i was...

In that apartment, I mean, i guess just dreams stick with you, because...

I just-I felt like carrie again, you know,

little carrie finally having the thing she wanted back then, and...

At the moment i should have given it up, i-

I couldn't, you know, because it was like...

I was taking something away from her.

You know, does that make any sense, doug?

Yeah.

It's funny to hear you say that,

'Cause all these years,

Even when things were good with us,

I just still sensed there was something...

Pulling you away from me,

You know, like this little voice inside saying,

"Wanna be in manhattan.

I wanna be in manhattan."

Plus, you said it out loud a lot.

I di-I did.

I did hear that voice every day.

And now i just hear her, her voice saying...

Whatever chinese babies say, and-

And I want her.

And i-I want you.

And i-I wish that we could just put this all behind us, you know,

And just be a family.

I love you, Carrie.

I love you, too.

Oh, god.

No, he's gotta get up. He's gotta get up.

Hi, Ming Mei.

Ming Mei Heffernan.

You know what?

It works.

Come on, honey. We gotta go to the airport.

Just a second.

Mommy and I are gonna take you back home to queens.

You're gonna love queens.

Queens has got the new york mets.

It's got-

Well, not a lot else, actually.

Used to have pastrami king, but they shut that down.

Now it's a bookstore.

Tell you, the world is a crazy place.

Ooh. She smiled at me.

Either that, or she's poopin'.

Or maybe both. Maybe she just really enjoys-

I'm pregnant.

Pooping.

What?

Yeah. I haven't felt well since we landed,

And i bought a pregnancy test

In the drug store in the lobby,

And we're gonna have a baby.

Well, what do we do with this one?

I don't know.

I think i'm having an anxiety attack.

C- Calm down. A- Are you sure?

Yes, i am sure.

I mean, look.

Wh-What means pregnant, the monkey or the dragon?

That's just decorative.

Look, it came out blue. That means i'm pregnant.

It must have happened in the apartment that night.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

I thought the doctor said you couldn't get pregnant.

No, she said we probably couldn't. It happens all the time.

When couples don't think they can get pregnant, they stop trying,

And then they adopt a baby and - Oh, god.

Carrie, you have to calm down.

I can't calm down, doug.

Yesterday i had no husband, no baby,

And today i have a husband and 2 babies, and i'm in china.

That's a lot of change for one day.

What are we gonna do?

I- I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna fly home today,

And we're gonna start our new life as parents

Of 2 beautiful, wonderful children...

With very different-Shaped eyes.

Everything's gonna be fine.

T- Trust me.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Ming Mei. Ming Mei.

It's ok. Ohh.

It's all right, baby. Calm down.

It's all right, baby.

All right.

No, i know-

There you go. Good girl.

It didn't work out.