Original subtitles

I'm getting married.

To who?

Miss Ava st. Clair.

Oh, my gosh. Carrie, you remember that apartment in the city

We signed up for years ago? Uh-Huh

It's available now.

I don't wanna move to the city.

What are you talkin' about?

You said you were ok with this,

That my dream was your dream.

What are you doin'? What, are you-You leavin' me?

No, doug.

I'm going to our apartment in the city,

And i hope you join me.

Hi. Thanks for painting the bedroom,

And that mural in the bathroom is amazing.

You-You like it?

I love it. You made me look really busty.

I may be moving out.

Don't be sorry. Roommates are a dime a dozen. Heh.

And so, let me just get this straight.

You're gonna get rid of the apartment,

I'm gonna get a new job,

And we're both gonna get a baby.

That's the deal that's on the table.

I'm in.

Me, too.

Dinelli office furnishings.

First in lumbar. Doug heffernan speaking.

Have you checked your apartment in manhattan?

Bill! Man, i don't know what you want from me, man.

I can't help you out here.

Look, you know what? Carrie just walked in.

I will ask her. Jeez.

Carrie, it's my friend bill.

He's-He's movin' into Manhattan.

Bill who? Hmm?

Bill who?

Uh, Bill Krispies.

You got rid of that apartment, like, 3 weeks ago.

There's definitely somebody in there by now, right?

Uh, yeah, there's probably somebody in there.

I told him that. Yeah, bill, no go.

Ok, listen, do not be late for my father's wedding, ok?

I need you and deacon on the road by noon.

I have to go there now 'cause i got a lot to do, ok? I love you. Bye.

A brand-New exercise bike.

I'll bid, uh, 750.

Doug.

It's open!

It's locked.

Sorry.

It's locked!

Just open the damn door, will you?

Oh, gosh, all right.

I'm comin', you princess.

There you go.

I've been honking out there-

Where are your pants?

Oh, wouldn't you love to know?

Why are you sittin' around here, drinkin'?

We gotta get to the wedding, man.

Mm-Mmm. I ain't goin'.

Hey, come on, man!

The rice-A-Roni is much cheaper than the turtle wax!

What the hell is goin' on here?

Oh, well, let's see. I'm divorcin' carrie,

And ensign curtis here just cost himself

A trip to the showcase showdown.

Get a divorce? I thought you guys were good now.

Yeah, well, turns out she secretly kept

Her little apartment in the city.

"Oh, doug, i love ya.

Let's adopt chinese babies together."

It was all a pack of lies...

Or a-A web of lies.

Aw, some groupin' of lies.

So she kept the place, huh. Did she say why?

She doesn't even know i know, man, but it's obvious.

It's her ticket out of f-Fattytown.

But you know what?

I'm beatin' her to the punch.

You know what? All i know is i'm supposed to get you,

A cake, and a rabbi to poughkeepsie by 4:00, so put your pants on.

No. I ain't goin', buddy.

You're doin' it. Man, don't make me

Carry you out of here in your drawers, man.

Don't make me carry you out of here in my drawers.

All right, you know what? Just come on.

Let's go. No way.

It's not happenin', man.

Stop it!

All right.

Fine.

Not goin' anywhere.

You're goin'. No, i'm not.

Oh, god. Unh! I- I think i-

I think i accidentally touched something.

Accidentally or been plannin' for years?

Look, just put your pants on

And get in the car.

Fine! You know what? I will get in the car.

You mark my words. You will never see pants on this body again.

Now, dad, we have a lot of family coming today

That you haven't seen in a while,

So i want you to remember no slapping anybody.

But bernice is coming.

Ok, dad, last time, she knocked you out, ok?

Leave it alone. Leave it alone.

I'm gonna go see if ava needs anything, ok?

All right. All right.

Oh, are you ok, mom?

I know this has gotta be rough seeing arthur get married.

I'm very happy for him.

Why would you say that?

Well, you've been sobbing and retching a lot lately.

No more than usual.

Greetings.

Oh, hey, arthur.

Um, here are those place cards you wanted.

Uh, the venetian-Style calligraphy you wanted was really intricate.

I was up all night.

Thank you.

I hope this isn't in lieu of a gift.

Congratulations on your nuptials, arthur.

Thank you, veronica.

Ava st. Clair.

Pish-Posh.

That she is.

I guess i always knew you'd wind up with someone like that.

You deserve it.

You're a good loser, veronica,

The best loser i've ever known.

Thank you, arthur.

Yo! Yo, rabbi!

Over here.

I hope you don't mind sittin' in the back.

I, uh, got the cake up here.

Ah, no, no. It's-It's fine.

It's just, um...

Do you know there's a man with no pants back here?

Oh, yeah. That's- That's the best man.

He's sleepin' off a couple six-Packs.

Do me a favor and, uh, give him a smack, will ya?

Oh, ok.

Y- You gotta really drill him.

I'm not comfortable drilling anyone on shabbos.

All right.

I'll take care of it.

Hang on.

Aw, deac, gotta tell ya, gettin' a little tired of that move.

There it is.

Ok. Ok.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Really?

I'm so nervous.

Oh, you're gonna be fine.

At my last wedding, i passed out

Right into a chopped-Liver swan.

But gerald was so understanding.

Oh, god rest his soul.

That was your last husband?

Yeah. Well...

After the first jerk i married,

I decided from now on, only gay men.

15-Minute warning.

Oh.

Ava, darling, that dress is delicious.

You're a vision in chiffon.

I can't wait to rip it off tonight

And finally have my way with you.

Could i-Could i help at all? Or are you...

Yeah, you know what? Just, uh, let me bridge off your shoulder.

I'm gonna have to fire my hips off - There we go.

Aah! I'm gettin' under it.

What's goin' on back there?

You don't have your pants on yet?

The rabbi and i are working on it, thank you.

It's been 2 hours.

There's no room back here.

Why the hell didn't you take the minivan?

Aw, kelly's got it. She doesn't like

Driving this car. It's too small.

Oh, great. So she gives it to her 8- Foot-Tall husband.

Yeah, i can't believe you aren't the one getting divorced.

Hey, hey. Stop talkin' about divorce, will you?

You guys are gonna be fine.

You always work these things out.

She screams. You cry.

2 pizzas later, you're back to normal.

But this is different, deac, ok?

We had a commitment about our future, and-

And she just didn't hold up her end.

That's not right, is it?

Well, i certainly understand why you're upset,

But i also know that god believes in forgiveness.

Yeah, i'm-

Is that just your god or any god?

Do you think you and i have different gods?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh. I mean, yeah. Only 'cause...

My god is...

Jesus.

But, uh-But from what i understand,

My god is the son of your god,

So i'm sure they're on very good terms.

They probably see each other all the time,

You know, holidays, family functions.

What the hell was that for?!

To shut you up.

Don't give me your back talk!

There are plenty of harpists out there who will play dueling banjos!

You sent for me, darlin'?

Yes. Dad, i, um...

Where's ava?

Well, that's actually what i wanna...

Ava left, dad.

What?

Yeah, she was very upset.

She's-She's very sorry, but she can't marry you.

Wh-Why?

Well, uh...

Turns out ava...

Like, uh, many women in show business,

Wanted a different kind of husband,

More of a companion.

I was a wonderful companion.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh...

But she wanted a companion who was also...

A choreographer...

Type.

A hairdresser type.

You don't see where i'm goin' with this?

She wanted a black man?

Gay, dad. She wanted a gay man.

She thought you were gay.

That's preposterous.

That's not what she wants at all.

Dad, look.

This is a picture of gerald, her last husband.

What do you see when you look at that?

I see a normal heterosexual man

Leaping into the air with a parasol.

How did i not notice that before?

I'm sorry, daddy.

But i still don't understand.

What did i ever do to give her the impression that i was gay?

Hey.

In retrospect, that was an unfortunate choice of halloween costume.

Dad, look, i know this is hard,

But we have a hundred guests out there waiting for the ceremony to start.

You have to go out there and tell 'em.

But i had my heart set on being married today.

Not just my heart.

I took enough cialis for a hockey team.

The bottom line is, dad, ava's not coming back.

But i could be gay for her.

I could be the gayest man the world has ever seen!

I know you could.

But-But it's over, dad.

Arthur, what's this all about?

Why are we in here?

I need to speak to you privately.

What are you, a surgeon? Beat it!

So what is it?

Veronica, something marvelous has happened.

I suddenly realized it's not ava i wanna marry today. It's you.

What? You wanna marry me?

Yes. I'm proposing to you.

I would have done it years ago, but...

I found your beauty intimidating.

She dumped you, huh?

Yeah.

Apparently i'm not man enough for her.

Or i'm too much man. It's all very confusing.

So now you're tryin' to jam me in as your second choice?

Well, let me tell you something, arthur.

I may not be the queen of england or even ava st. Clair,

But i deserve more than being proposed to in front of a urinal.

Look, look, look, i admit i've never shown you the respect you deserve.

I was petty and vain and thought i could do better,

But i realize now that i can't.

Pride goeth before a fall.

Please, veronica. I don't wanna die in that basement.

I'd much rather die in a ground-Floor apartment such as yours

With you by my side.

That does sound nice.

I know we could learn to love each other.

I already love you, arthur.

Well, then, we're halfway there.

Um, good afternoon.

Everybody, ahem, i'm rabbi eli feldman.

Today in the presence of god,

We will be joining together arthur spooner and ava st. Clair,

2 wonderful people who have found joy, love,

And happi-

Excuse me a minute.

Happiness in each other's spirits. Thank you.

"Please turns off all cellphones and pagers,

"And in your programs, wherever the name ava st. Clair appears,

Replace it with veronica olchin."

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey. Where were you?

Doug got drunk and wouldn't put his pants on.

How's it goin' here?

Oh, arthur switched brides.

Now he's marrying spence's mom.

Oh.

Dad! Well, what the hell is going on?

Meet your new mother.

Keep wednesdays free, darling.

That's when we visit nana in the home.

Where's my aunt ava?

Mom, what are you doing?

What does it look like i'm doing?

Now, you just stay there, because you have to give me away.

I'm not giving you away! This is crazy!

Yes, this is crazy!

Stop taking your brother's side!

Where's my aunt ava?

Oh, doug, there you are.

Do you know what's going on?

Ava left, and now my dad wants to marry veronica.

Hmm. That's nice.

He-He wants us to start.

Sweetheart, i think you go down first.

Where's my aunt ava?

She's your aunt ava. Now get movin'!

It's all right. It's all right.

Dad, are you sure you wanna do this?

You really wanna marry veronica?

Why? You got someone better?

Oy. All right, let's just start.

Let's just start.

Piece of work, that man, right?

Yeah. Well, at least he doesn't tell vicious lies to the people that love him.

What are you talking about? He does that every day.

What's the matter with you, anyway?

You know what? I don't think i feel like discussing it right now.

Thanks for comin'. I'm not gay.

Thanks for comin'. Not gay.

Hello, zachary. I'm not gay.

I can't believe you're doing this.

I love him, spencer.

He's treating you like an old dishrag.

No marriage is perfect.

Ok. Ahem.

Is everyone set to go?

Uh-Huh.

Baruch atta adonal-

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that?

It's a hebrew prayer.

Why hebrew?

Well, the-The original bride was jewish,

A- And i'm a rabbi.

Are you jewish?

Albanian orthodox.

What the hell is that?

It's a very nice religion.

We'll go with your thing.

Baruch atta adonal elohanu...

Mazel tov! Mazel tov!

Carrie, your phone was going off like crazy during the ceremony.

You got, like, 4 calls. Really?

Oh, my god. It's the adoption agency.

Doug-

There you are. What are you doing?

Just enjoying the smells of poughkeepsie.

Well, i have some very exciting news.

You're not gonna believe it.

Look at this picture. What's that?

Our car.

Oh. I backed into a pole.

That's for the insurance company.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Who's that?

I don't know. Somebody's baby.

Yeah. Our baby.

Our baby.

Oh, my god.

Yeah. Her name is ming mel.

She's 4 days old. Isn't she beautiful?

All right, i have to call the adoption agency

And tell them that we're on the next flight out to beijing.

I've-I can't believe i'm making this call.

I mean, i've ordered chinese before, but never a baby. Ah ha ha! Ahh!

Carrie, we're not doing this.

What? What are you talking about?

I know about the apartment,

And i know you never got rid of it.

Oh, yeah, that. Heh.

Weird, huh?

Uh...

Look, doug, you have every right to be upset, ok?

I- I should've gotten rid of it a couple weeks ago, but i-

But what? I mean...

But i was just nervous about us getting back together.

So was i, you know, but we made a deal.

I mean, i quit my job for you, and i loved that job.

You hated that job. You said so a thousand times.

No, i said i hated having a job. There's a difference.

The point is i took a leap of faith,

For the sake of our future, and you didn't.

All right. Well, i'm taking my leap of faith now.

It doesn't count now, carrie. I mean,

Now you're just leaping for the baby.

Admit it. You've never taken a leap of faith

For me in your whole life.

I married you. What do you call that?

Uh, hitting the jackpot.

Getting married, that's not taking a leap of faith.

When you get married, you think it's gonna be great forever.

You know, but then 10 years down the line,

You finally start to realize, "wow, he's fat, and he's stayin' fat."

"Man, she isn't gettin' any nicer, is she?"

Smoke clears, and it's just the two of us

Standing there fat, mean, and naked-

That's when it takes a leap of faith to keep going,

And you didn't,

And i can never forget that.

Ok, doug, so what are you saying?

Are you saying we're over?

I guess i am.