Original subtitles

Look, mate, I don't know who you are or what's going on here, but you've got the

wrong guys.

Me and Mr Martin, we're just property developers.

Normal, honest property developers, yes.

All we want to do is to find a beautiful, unspoiled piece of land and

thousands of homes on it.

I know who you are.

You do?

Yes. You intend to unearth the past.

I can't allow that.

Please, don't kill us. We'll do anything you ask.

We'll be your sex puppets. Will we? Yes.

What, you went straight to sex puppets? Wouldn't that have been a bit tamer

first?

Wait! Maybe just kill him and not me.

Seriously? I was best man at your wedding. Best available man, yes. Keith

holiday. Here we go, Keith.

He's always on about bloody golden boy, Keith.

I bet you'd rather be here with Keith now.

God, no.

Then he'd be killed. That's the one good thing about you being here. At least

Keith is.

Silence!

It is time.

Faith! Do what you're going to do, but know this.

We're up in heaven because all property developers go there.

We will both be looking down at you with utter contempt.

Look down on me as

much as you want.

We selected as fine investigators, leaders in your respective fields of

apprehending criminals.

We, the Serious Crimes Agency, have been tasked with training you further to

make you more effective law enforcement officers.

Gemma Bremer, you are not a leader in any field, but your presence was

by an anonymous informant that is helping us with a double murder and will

to you and you alone.

Excitement.

Put my good joggers on for this.

Go! Work!

Move! Keep going! Move faster! Come on!

Move it up! Move the bloody itch!

What's wrong with you, you little ginger?

Break his thumb!

Red or blue?

Red or blue?

Oh, we'll look in jail.

You've actually found something you're good at.

Sorry!

Sorry!

No!

I did it!

Look! You've got a gun.

Did they give you a real gun?

I know.

Mad or what?

You were very quick.

Are you sure they managed to fully train you up as an elite crime fighter in

just a morning?

Yes.

I must have been way ahead of the other trainees because at one point they told

me it was pointless trying to teach me anymore and they just gave me my

certificate and told me to read this money.

Oh, yeah.

And the gun. Nearly forgot.

I'm looking how you managed to forget about the dangerous weapon.

You know, with the mere minutes of being given it.

I know.

What am I like?

Come on.

We don't want to keep Mr Anonymous waiting.

We need to get to the scene of the crime.

Barrington Rugby Club?

What? The Barrington Rugby Club?

One with the Barrington Wasps?

Doing your research.

I'm impressed.

Not research. It's my life.

As a kid, my Uncle Brian used to take me watching Barrington Wasps every

Saturday. It's only bright spot and an otherwise dreary childhood.

Sat on the terraces watching the game with my Uncle Brian in the bar drinking.

And after the match, he'd make us meet him and remind him where we lived.

Well, come on, then.

With all your insider knowledge, we'll crack this case in no time.

Yeah, but what I still don't get is why this mystery informant just wants you.

I mean, I am always there when they catch the killer.

As you well know.

I mean, begrudgingly, yeah, but I'm still there.

Oh, that'll be the ambulance.

Tiny teething issue with the gun.

Load of fuss, haven't I?

Yeah, well, thank God.

With this new training, does that make you my superior?

No.

No, not at all.

And in many ways, absolutely yes.

Just for clarity, when you were training to safely use the gun, did you actually

shoot somebody with the gun?

When it's an accident, Harry, it's called a negligent discharger.

And I may...

Had discharged someone negligently.

So here's the note.

Send Gemma Bremer and I will help you solve this case.

Oh, I like this one.

Takes pride in his work. It's got beautiful handwriting.

An impeccable taste in investigators.

And here we have the victims.

Mr Martin and Mr Bradley.

Property developers.

Both were found dead.

On top of the rugby post.

Both victims had this strange symbol carved into their foreheads. I've no

what it represents.

Maybe they were goths.

Goths?

In high -vis jackets.

How'd they get them up there?

Cherry picker.

One was found down the road. No prints on it or nothing.

They weren't even tied on there.

They were inserted into what Mother calls the dirty place.

Oh.

That one there.

You then, then.

Police people.

I am. He's not.

I'm not sure you'll make it.

You must be here about the pesky little double murder.

I'm Gwyn, club chairman. Pleased to meet you. You don't happen to have a pan for

the parking, do you?

Do you not get free parking working here?

Not for me. For you. Your parking. It's a pound.

Please.

Lovely.

Shall we just pop in and get this over and done with soonest? Yes?

Good.

This has been just awful for the club.

We'd agreed a tale of the ground to Bradley and Martin.

Bulldozer's booked and everything.

I guess that deal's off the table now they've both been... impaled.

Wait, what? You're selling the club? You can't do that.

I have to. We're broke.

Oh, financial difficulties.

I smell a clue. Make yourself useful, Perry, and remember that.

Just need to strike a deal with another property developer.

There are other interested parties. Shouldn't take too long.

Once, hopefully, you've caught the killer.

Oh. We will.

This investigation will be run by the book. This book.

I'm already two chapters in.

So, the press are here. Pain in the bum. But maybe,

while you're talking about the two victims, you might mention my skip hire

business. A bit of free advertising never hurts.

Seriously? And try to keep things upbeat.

Ugly words like...

Homicide. And the other homicide.

Don't reflect well on the club. Yes?

Don't worry.

We'll be sensitive.

The members must be absolutely heartbroken about what's gone on.

Yeah.

They all look proper gutted.

Of course, my grandfather built this place from the proceeds of his famous

Predictions for the Future of the Doomed Human Race.

And in his day, rugby was for a higher class of person than you see here today.

And we are overjoyed to be showing them a life that is more than just Chinese

takeaway, all -inclusive holidays, and wearing pyjamas on the school run for

children that, let's be honest, may not even be theirs.

But in answer to your question, yes.

Very sad.

Thoughts and prayers, all of that.

Right, settle down, everyone.

People, can we have some hush?

Can I ask for some...

That's phenomenal, that

is.

As we all know.

There have been two little tiny, really, mithaps that befell Mr. Bradley and Mr.

Martin, yes?

And how do we get rid of this grief?

I don't know.

But what I do know is how to get rid of those unwanted household items in one of

Gwyn's gorgeous skips available in mini, midi and maxi size.

Oh, right.

The Serious Crimes Agency has sent us someone to look into it.

I don't make much of her. Let's see what you all think.

Jenny!

Gemma. It's Gemma.

Hello, everyone.

Thanks, Gwyn, for that lovely introduction.

Now, I know you're scared.

I'm not scared.

Should I be scared?

Is everyone else scared?

I wasn't until she said, now it's started.

But I think it's important to keep panic to a minimum.

To a minimum, she said.

Not no panic.

A minimum panic, that means some panic. She hasn't told us when, or the exact

amount. So is the madam keeping it to herself?

We can assure you that those two bodies found corked on the rugby post.

will be the last bodies you will see in this place.

Oh, this is awkward.

We're not usually the only ones screaming.

that Bradley and Martin had on their foreheads.

Creepy Alan.

Creepy.

Don't panic now.

I'm starting to panic.

Yeah, that helps anyone.

By Creepy Allen.

Just a thought.

Should we go through Creepy Allen's pockets?

See if he had any cash on him when he died.

For the funeral, obviously.

Well, maybe tax his to and from. If he did, it's probably been absorbed by the

fluids the body uses as it decomposes.

You could probably put coins into cola to dissolve all the biological mess off

them, but when you consider how much water they waste making that stuff, you

have to ask yourself what the real profit would be.

I know, I'll go.

Are you sure you've never seen this symbol before?

No, never.

Here, quick.

We don't know what he died of yet.

Now, this may tingle.

I'll make it at home. It's a bit stronger than the stuff in the shops,

Oh, you might not want to touch your face or genitals for six to 12 hours,

you'll thank me when you continue to be alive.

Dirt.

Be the end of us all.

Just you see.

Creepy Alan?

Did you know him well? Was he a close friend?

Creepy Alan? We knew him, but not as well as he wanted us to.

He kept sending me pictures, and not of his face.

When we hadn't seen him for a few months, we all thought he'd gone to

Claimed he was travelling.

But I travel.

He didn't have a single selfie outside a temple.

or I Love Thailand T -shirt to his name. And it's like I always say, if you

really want to know a culture, buy its T -shirt.

Oh.

Yeah, very exotic.

It is. You're right. The interesting thing is, this T -shirt was actually

in China.

But I don't mind being controversial.

Did he have any relatives I could speak to?

Oh, he had a wife, didn't he?

Creepy Gwendolyn.

Oh. Very plain, but not in a way you could take pity on. I'm sure you can

identify Jenny.

Gemma.

Someone should pop round and tell her.

No need now. There she is.

Assistant, assist me.

Right.

Time spent on this case, one hour.

New dead bodies, who?

People acting strangely.

27. I need to know the set of hands on this.

Well, maybe you should call your new friends.

You're not the saviour of your crimes.

Agents, I think, eh?

No way.

That would be so embarrassing.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Yeah, but who could you call who'd be free to stick their nose in where it's

wanted at the drop of a hat?

Oh, Gemma, no.

Everyone, this is... Wait.

Hello to new subscribers. This is my channel. Makeup, mantras, lifestyle,

travel, unboxing.

Basically, anything I like that will make you give me a like is what I like.

this week, change of pace, we're investigating a murder.

This is my sister, Gemma.

She's out of her depth, so she's called me in.

I'll have you know I am fully in my depth.

She's right. She's a needy.

That's her husband, Terry. Let me know if you think one of them's punching

their weight in the comments below.

I think you're right. It's both of them.

So, guys, which one of these do we think is the murderer?

This one's got terrible roots, hasn't she? And both these blokes look like

they've got suits made out of skin in their spare rooms.

Like and subscribe if you want to watch me finding out which one of these wrong

-uns is the murderer.

Oh, plus...

Hopefully, if he's forgiven me for spilling kombucha in his Ferrari,

tips would be required.

She had a way about her.

Creepy, wasn't it?

I put you and Terry on this because you're believable as my gullible,

unqualified assistant.

Remember, blend in and be subtle.

Oh,

Gwyn's gorgeous skips.

Now, if we can just tap the rest of this place off a bit. Put on a fun day.

Show people what a great investment this will be. With families teeming about

the place, we will get a better price. Yes?

To the castle!

Taking the dead bodies down from the rugby post is already making it feel a

more cheery. And all so they can demolish it and build affordable

Like the Borenesian used to say, when the end comes, only a fool denies it.

Who? Are they from ethics? I think I've parted with them once.

The Borenesian were an ancient civilization, circa 900.

They invented lots of things before anybody else.

Wigs, doorstops, mixer taps, the list goes on.

Sorry, did we worry you? Just doing our primal screaming.

Good for lowering stress.

You should try it. You look very anxious.

Do you think?

What now?

An OMG to the new 20 ,000 of you who joined as we started investigating the

murders. And even Mick Hudson just texted to say he's a fan. Morbid little

monkey that he is. Quick update, guys.

The people are lunatic.

My ears are still ringing and we're no closer to catching the killer. So, like

a...

Stay up.

How much are your burgers?

Famished.

It's hard work being an unqualified assistant to a tyrant and partnered up

a narcissist.

I'm both lonely and smothered at the same time.

Oh, I'd love to be smothered.

Gasping for air, the rush of blood to the head.

Dancing on the precipice of death before you're dragged back to what you

laughably call life.

Lovely that.

But to answer your question, you can have one for free if you like, seeing as

you're a law.

No, I'm married to the law.

I suppose I'm... The law's in law.

Oh.

No, it takes me back.

You know, the early 80s burgers that had them unknown chewy bits in them.

Came here as a kid, did you?

Yeah, every weekend.

I used to come too.

Not for the rugby.

I used to wait until night and look for dead animals in the bushes.

Happier times.

Look at me now.

Head groundsman at the same ground.

So now I can look for them in the day.

You don't have to help, you know.

Oh, I'm aware of that.

But Gemma seems to think I should get to know you all.

Quite why I'll never understand.

And elevate!

So, Monica, you need to pass yourself off as intrigued so as to get

about the case, but not in a threatening or interrogative manner.

Use your powers, Monica.

Draw them in by flirting.

So what do you think of these bloody pesky murders?

I think it's all how you look at it. We're an overpopulated planet.

Mankind has taken too many wrong turnings.

So lightening the law by a few probably really helps.

Certainly one way of looking at it, I suppose.

This fellow's just doing his bit.

If we all just killed a few people, the world would be a happier place.

Quick question, just for giggles.

What meat's in this burger?

Just so I can... There are a lot of found dead animals or human beings that

might feel were expendable.

It's not meat.

It's fake meat.

All my stuff's vegan. 100 % taste, 0 % guilt.

Better for the environment, better for your insides.

If I could climb inside you, I'd see your colon smiling back at me.

Vegan.

Me. And you'll thank me tomorrow when your aunt Isla comes out lovely.

The bunting's so reminiscent of the favelas of Rio de Janeiro, where I was

hostage by some very warm and welcoming people.

Oh, that's... fascinating.

Are you saying my husband's kidnap was fascinating?

Because it bloody wasn't!

Six weeks they had him. I was worried sick.

You seem angry enough for me to say I'm sorry.

Kerry Katona had that look before the plane started flying.

Six weeks of living in a five -star hotel on the beach while I tried to

the kidnappers some basic manners.

I don't mind paying a ransom, but I will not do it without a thank you.

She held out so long for that thank you.

In the end, they gave her a discount.

Prove them about the victim. Ask about Creepy Gwendolyn.

So, uh... What?

Creepy Gwendolyn creepy as well?

No. She was just married to Creepy Alan.

So she was creepy through marriage? Yes.

Four people are dead.

You're not doing your job.

Who is this?

With your weird voice?

Oh, if it is a disability, I am sorry.

I'm the one who sent you the note.

I'm the one who demanded the serious crime agency recruit you.

Oh, with the lovely handwriting.

Oh, well, uh, thank you.

So what's your deal, then?

You've got me here. Are you going to help me?

I'm afraid I can't give away too much.

It could ruin everything.

Oh, I... I once dated a boy who said if I didn't do a certain thing, it would

ruin everything. So I'm not playing.

What I can tell you is that this is bigger than just a club.

What's going on here affects everybody.

Everybody, everywhere.

Right then, you.

Where's the chapter on talking to weirdos?

I'm telling you, Gemma, we don't need to tell anyone.

Yeah, I mean, we have to kill a few kind of what they taste like. But now we

know, we can make big versions of that thing.

Stop getting distracted. Remember why we're here. We have to operate as a

One mission, one purpose.

Top of the murder. See you, guys.

Monica's here.

Hi, guys. You join me as Gemma's having a strop and Terry's having a strop.

Has she been like this since the big promotion, Terry?

Yes.

She keeps reading from her manual and then spouting stuff off like she thinks

she's actually learnt it. Yeah, that's because she hasn't got a bloody clue

she's doing. Did this when we were kids. Said she knew how to build a parachute

for a guinea pig. She didn't. Spent a lot of time in therapy about that day.

Excuse me.

I am now forming a profile of the killer based on evidence.

That doesn't actually sound like you know what you're talking about.

I think we are dealing with a gentleman killer.

A what?

A gentleman killer.

You know, a stylish, well -dressed toff who leaves his calling card on all the

corpses. That tie pin with the symbol on it is very classic.

Oh, that's a decent.

He is a murderer.

Well, I'll be careful when I do it, obviously.

I think he's a wealthy fan of the club who didn't want it sold, so he killed

Bradley and Martin so that they couldn't buy the place.

Why would he kill the creepies?

Alan and Gwendolyn, respectively.

They never wanted the club to be sold either.

I don't know.

I haven't figured it all out yet.

But with my enhanced training, I've got a real feel for the place. Nothing is

going to happen here without me knowing it.

So,

there you have it. She's got a theory which almost instantly doesn't hold

Just like she put it at bedtime when we were younger.

Monica!

Fingers crossed more bodies soon.

Like and subscribe.

Right, let's talk to the players. They're younger, so we need to speak

language. Their language?

The lingo of the young Monica.

I'll keep it chatty.

You follow my lead.

Yo, Pete!

Thought we might swing by.

Lad! Lad!

Don't keep me hungry!

Hey, cowabunga!

Yeah, you know.

We thought we might come down, you know, chillax with everyone, see what the

vibe is around this park.

Oh, well, cracking vibes, thanks.

Cracking, yeah.

Cool, cool.

Just been thinking about those poor dudes stuck up on the goalposts and, you

know, sending out heart.

Will they still have rugby posts stuck up their bum in heaven?

Or will baby Jesus take them out?

Really trippy when you think about it, isn't it?

To look with the pretty one here. I want you to look really cute, gorgeous.

I will not be the lesser person in the Instagram post.

Make me think, don't you look at you.

Are you going to be here long?

Yeah, babes.

Well, until we catch the absolute awe of a murderer.

Tell you what, you should look for clues.

And then put them together.

Then after that, they'll tell you you've done it.

You are so right.

You're twisting my mind, aren't you?

Hey, anyone want a precautionary antiviolent tablet?

Anyone?

I'm good, thanks.

Dinger, what now?

Suit yourself.

You'll be begging me for them once the plague gets here.

Ah, is he on the negativity, my man?

Live, laugh, love.

That's me, dudes.

Dudes? Really?

I'm going to chat with her. Monica, you come with me. Perry, you stay here and

talk to the lads like an idiot.

I'll come.

But someone better be killed soon, Gemma. My channel is connected with

and those people want to see dead people.

Right.

Let's get drinking.

Yippee -ki -yay, motherfuckers!

You don't want to be in bed.

It is where the world... Drunkard's drink.

A bit more fun, as long as you're up to date on your tetanus shots.

Yay, tetanus.

What's that lot in there been saying about me? Lies, no doubt, Margaret.

A quiet print.

Well, at this point, I'm not at liberty to divulge any details about the

investigations.

Yes, probably for the best.

Tell you what.

Why don't we just have a little drink? Oh?

You must be exhausted with all that investigating malarkey.

I tell you what, I bloody well am.

Brenda, do the honours, please.

Oh, right.

So, little drink without any

official chit -chat whatsoever.

Here's to that.

If I ask you about the vented...

Will you punch me?

There's too many suspects.

And bodies.

What are they?

Are they sacrifices to the gods?

And what's with the weird symbol thing?

Any one of them could have done it.

What's this?

Gwyn and there's Ursula, Gregor, Dinger?

That dinger lad had the nerve to sack Margaret today.

Did you tear to the blue like that?

A little sod.

I cleaned his house for the last five years.

I clean all their houses.

And this place.

I know where the bodies are buried, Gemma.

Bodies? Are there more bodies?

Oh, I'm a little bit swamped with bodies at the minute.

Metaphorically, Gemma.

I know everything about this lad.

For that dinger.

Just you wait till it all comes out about him.

Fuck him, me, for no reason.

It'll all come out, you mark my words.

Fuck you? Said she'd been stealing.

Oh, no. No, that's terrible, that.

It is terrible, Gemma. I don't steal from anybody.

I mean, if they have leftovers lying around then, as their cleaner.

I will clean things away.

Into a purse.

Out of sight, Brenda.

If those leftovers happen to be a bit of change or a small note, not a big note,

then I'll make sure it has a safe hold.

It's not theft if you make everything neater.

My cleaner takes things.

At least they're out for an hour, stuff are roosting around.

It's our little system, yeah.

Claire Balding taught me that.

She called it the unspoken pocket money.

It's an ancient tradition.

And I'm glad to see you'll carry it on.

Good

afternoon.

He'll tell you what.

Barrington wasps might not be top of the league, but they can bloody drink.

You caught the killer yet?

I bet you haven't. I know, but we will.

You know what they say?

Slowly, monkey, monkey catch you.

Catch.

You can't catch a monkey.

You have to wait until they're sick.

That's when they slow down.

And you can grab one.

Not that there's any rainforest left to catch a monkey.

I suppose what you're saying is really important.

I might need to do a little thing.

Just a little.

That's all right. I'll just stand here.

Is that weird?

Probably. Oh, are you on a show?

Hi,

guys. I'm not crying because I've had a drink or because of the

murder victim, hashtag, solve the case, hashtag, Gemma's useless.

I've been crying because I've been looking at Margaret's face and...

I just keep thinking about the woman that she could have been if she just had

decent moisturising regimen.

I'm very happy with my face, thank you.

She doesn't even know.

Help! Monica!

Go time!

Like and subscribe!

Come on, help!

Uh, shoes off, please.

And it's a pound a go. Doesn't apply.

I'm nearly a police officer.

Please!

Someone help!

Don't worry!

Help is coming!

I'll send an invoice.

Please, help!

If anyone's having... Try my best here.

Oh, not as subtle as it used to be.

I want my mum!

Oh, I need someone who looks like my mum.

Oh, I should probably go back to Pilates.

Oh, I shouldn't have had that one.

He's trying to tell me something.

Not so close.

What happened?

It's the end.

No, you're going to survive.

It's the end of everything.

The club, you mean?

No, it's the end of the entire world.

Very soon.

Gemma, it's all right.

I'm here.

No.

I'm questioning a victim.

Oh, I'm too hungover.

If the killer wants another victim, he can put me out of my misery.

It's doing my head, isn't it?

Four Bodies was embarrassing enough, but now Dinger too.

Who's going to kill a referee?

Four people.

Hello?

Four Bodies is embarrassing enough, but now Dinger too?

We were just saying that.

Gemma, you need to start asking the right questions, and...

Just got another call on the other line.

Hello? No, I'm very happy with my broadband service. Thank you very much.

Honestly, you couldn't have called at the worst time.

Please, could you give me a call back next week?

Okay. Bye -bye. Thank you. Bye.

As I was saying, Gemma, you need to start asking the right questions very,

soon because time is running out.

Could you give me a clue as to what the right questions are?

No. How about who, I should be asking?

Try the cleaner.

She knows more than she admits.

Terry? No.

We are about to implement Chapter 9. Oh.

Hardcore interrogation.

My little light -fingered cleaner.

I think you need to tell me something.

Something called the truth.

I've got nothing to say to you.

Talk. No. Talk. No. Talk. No.

Please, talk.

No.

You're going to want to talk to me, Margaret.

Because when all this comes out, you're going to need all the friends you can

get.

It's... It's all going to come out, isn't it? Oh, you bet you're all the

examples it is.

Now talk.

All right.

I'll talk.

Good girl.

Me and Brenda are in a relationship.

You are?

We were on a cruise ship in the Irish Sea.

It was rough weather.

Brenda was on the top bunk.

She fell out, just landed on me, and then it just happened.

It feels so right.

To look at her, you'd think she's an idiot.

She is.

She's my idiot.

And that's what love is.

Finding your idiot and letting them complete you.

You know how that feels, don't you? I've seen you with your fella.

He's an idiot.

But he's your idiot.

Oh, bloody hell!

I'm sorry, Margaret. I know this is a big moment for you.

Oh, but I've got a murderer on the loose here. Right.

We're done.

I'm going back to the crime scene and I'm going to get into the mind of the

killer. Can you do that?

Chapter 12 reckons I can.

Chapter 12.

You two look after her now.

What a beautiful story.

Her heart is finally complete.

After my Ernie died, I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

But here I am, in love and happy.

And I think, Maybe, for the first time ever.

I'm the woman I'm supposed to be.

So that's it?

That's the truth.

No one knows.

And I'd like it kept that way, please.

It's nothing to do with the killings, but...

I think a little bit of unkindness died in here today.

You're right.

We didn't find anything out of the ordinary.

But we found ourselves.

Oh,

were you looking for something out of the ordinary?

What didn't you say?

Come on, then. I've got something to show you.

So I'm a killer.

What am I thinking? What am I thinking?

I'm thinking... I've got a half -eaten chocolate

bar in my bag from earlier.

Oh, and a hair bubble.

It's handy.

Are we technically burgling here? Just so I can gauge how innocent I should

when we get caught.

I thought the club was averaging money, but...

According to this, he's massively in the black with a turnover of hundreds of

thousands. Exactly.

These are the secret accounts that Gwyn thinks no -one knows about.

Er, what's going on here?

Why? Nothing.

Where did you get those?

You said this place was in Dire Straits. No, it's minted.

Yes, it may seem that way, yes, but...

There have been significant cash withdrawals over the years.

By who?

I reckon you've broken into our office and attempted to steal our documents.

Unless you have a search warrant. We are with someone who might be able to get

us one.

Will that work for you?

Not really.

I'm going to have all of you arrested and I'll make sure they take that

off your jammer.

I'm a lesbian.

You what?

You heard. Me and Brenda were lesbians together.

Been gagging to come out.

But I didn't feel comfortable enough until I met Gemma and Terry.

And to a lesser degree, Monica.

I pulled them into the committee room to tell them.

It was beautiful. The books were open on the table.

Yeah. I'm sure a rugby club that's part of a league that claims to support me

and my LGBTQ plus friends would want to treat me with some level of respect.

If, say, the chairman was bullied mere moments after

I'd disclosed my sexuality, that wouldn't look good, would it?

Duh.

I don't suppose it would.

Good. They will have no more of it.

It's go time.

And properly this time.

For the last time, I've been drained.

I'm going to speak to your teacher.

Yeah, well, he's in hospital.

Let's go.

Hi, guys. Gemma's losing out.

Like and subscribe. Hashtag Gemma's losing out.

Everybody breathe.

Help. I can't breathe.

Yeah, in a minute.

Where's the perp?

Who's doing the perping? I didn't see.

They got me from behind while I was working out. I think they went through

showers. Right.

I'm going after them. Terry.

Untangle burners. If I say I'll help, can I stay here away from the danger?

Bloody hell, Monica, yes.

I'm going to... Does that thing not have a safety?

Chillax, everybody's still got all their original photos.

Miss Vera, I need my visit, Vera.

Please.

Not even a thank you.

Sure there's a reason why some people are alone.

What are you doing here?

It's Gemma.

And I'm warning you, Ursula, I've got a gun.

What on earth for?

Why did you try to kill Bernard?

What? I didn't try to kill Bernard.

He told us that whoever tried to kill him just ran into here.

I haven't seen anyone.

I've been having a steam.

Opens the pores, gets rid of the toxins.

You should give it a go.

You look like a woman who's backed up with all manner of gunk.

Look, unless you've got an alibi, you're under arrest.

Very forceful for such a tiny thing, aren't you?

Like a little angry ginger hamster.

But rest assured, I have an alibi.

Gregor?

Hello, Gemma.

Me and my tall, podgy spouse have been having a steam, haven't we?

Well, Ursula is.

I'm doing a sweat cleanse, as favoured by the Mesoamerican tribes of Mexico.

Bought the loincloth in a traditional, authentic gift shop they have at the

airport. Ursula bought a Toblerone.

But do you know how they pronounce it out there?

Oh, it's just too boring for you to be lying.

Just keep your eyes open.

There's a killer on the loose and I'm gonna catch him

If you're just joining us, we're hoping to talk to my one -off friends, Chris

and Rosie Ramsey, live from the bath, about boundaries.

But don't worry, guys. In the meantime, we've still got a great runner -up prize

of my crime -fighting partner, Terry.

Yeah, because we decided that the best course of action was to establish a base

from where we could observe the various suspects, you know, in a casual and

social setting.

We're not slacking off, are we?

No.

We came to an agreement that eating crisps and having a few drinks was the

cover for our surveillance operation.

Maybe even a game of bingo if it raised its head. Oh, we make a good team.

Especially considering that neither of the team members like each other.

If you died, I'd laugh.

Right, I'm going to share with you guys where we're at.

If I flip the camera.

You got a problem, Ursula? Me?

Oh, no, not me.

Just seems like you have.

Seems like you're laughing because you found out about me and Brenda Ray. Just

laughing because I love my life, Margaret.

Jetting off all over the world. My man at my side.

Getting to see things the little people will never see their entire lives.

Drama! I love it!

What makes me laugh is that I clean your house every week and I've not seen

plane tickets anywhere for years.

But I have seen a lot of bills for the upkeep of a caravan in Morecambe.

And the thought that anyone would lecture everyone about how well

they are, how they try and set a good example, and how they honour the memory

their grandfather while they're just going to a sad old caravan up the M6.

That makes me hell -love.

The ransom cleared us out.

Even with the discount, it left us with nothing.

We've just been trying to keep up appearances ever since.

Yes, very interesting thing about the exchange rate to the Real.

Gregor!

Not now!

Oh, Margaret's catty, isn't she? I hope she's not the killer.

I think we'd get home.

Is this evidence?

It sounds like evidence.

Gemma's going to be furious that she's missing this.

Where is she?

I don't know.

Oh, bloody hell, where are you?

What do you want?

And it does make me think, Terry, if I can form a friendship, albeit a loose

one, with someone like you, I could befriend anyone, couldn't I? I could go

politics or anything.

Cherie Blair's always telling me I should. But I'm never sure if she's just

winding me up. She can be a bit of a wind -up merchant when she's had a few.

Would it offend you if I said that for the past few minutes I haven't really

been listening?

I've just been nodding and pretending to listen because I'm not interested in

what you say.

Oh, God, no. I've lived most of my life like that.

Where's Margaret? She's been here.

Should be doing a final steal, I imagine.

Nice to see somebody keeping standards up.

That sounds murderous.

I'm going to get a gold -level subscriber's plaque out of this. Oh, my

hell.

I was going to get another rounding.

Bang on.

We're in for a little bit.

She liked a strong cup of tea.

I think she probably liked to sleep for a while.

She's like a goldfish.

An old human -shaped goldfish that died.

Why do I keep on finding them, eh?

Why me?

Why indeed.

Why don't you shoot one of his toes off? See if he knows anything.

I think I can do something a little better than that.

This is it, Dante.

I've got you.

You're at the scene of two of these murders. You're the one who found the

bodies.

I think you'll agree. That's very suspicious.

All right, look.

Fair dues, but I just found them. I didn't murder anyone.

I mean, like, murder's like... Well, it's like carbs.

It's bad, isn't it?

I can't be killed then.

Look at him, sitting there with his gorgeous, perfect, vomit -inducing face.

You'd better spill the beans, because from where I'm standing, it's a pretty

bean -free area.

The beans are very versatile ingredients, as I'm learning.

Flavorsome, but not too resource -intensive to grow or harvest.

Not now, Terry.

Tell me.

Everything. What, like from the very beginning?

Yeah, the beginning.

All right, well, look, when I was born... He's playing me for a sucker

Terry, we're waterboarding him. Whoa, hang on.

Yeah, this is that. Should not Guantanamo be.

Gemma, he has rights.

He's a murderer.

The only rights he's got is to rot in jail.

I've got one of them demanded by things.

You what?

Well, if that's when people know where you were... When things happen, I've got

one of them.

Baz's, actually.

How?

I do live streams, you know, like, on the internet.

What kind of live streams?

Ah, well, things where I talk about, like, exercise, nutrition, rugby, my

holidays, you know, things like that.

What? People actually watch that?

Yeah. Loads.

Well, how many loads?

About 200 ,000.

What?

Unfair. Eh, creepy Alan told me to do it.

Are you always dressed in the towel when you do it?

Ah, yeah. I get way more viewers when I'm dressed in my towel.

Don't know why.

I was just doing one before I had to nip out to the toilet.

It's been recording all this time.

Still on now.

Oh, there's another viewer.

There's another viewer?

Yeah, he says he really likes your hair.

Oh, that's nice.

He's asked if he could have some of it, actually.

That's nice.

Oh, they can have some of mine.

Always carries them with me for this exact reason.

So this has been recording all this time?

Yeah.

If so, then Gemma is probably about to deduce that...

It could have Margaret's murderer on it.

Nice one, babe.

Right, let's see what we've got. How you doing, everyone?

Yeah, it's me, Dante.

Those of you that know me well call me Dante, and if you don't want to call me

that, then you can just call me Dante.

This is just the boring bit. I'll fast forward. No, no, wait.

Wait. I might get something out of this.

Sorry, Mucky, Miss Marple. Can we just focus on the case, please?

Yeah. Sorry.

Skip on, please.

Oh,

look, there it is. That's the bit.

That's where I went for a wee.

So then what?

Margaret!

Margaret!

He's got river!

Get off me! Come on, show us your face.

Then I can send the footage to the lab.

Oh, something like that. I haven't read that for you.

What? It's just the one in a bloody black parka.

Despite the brutality of the killing.

Is that parka with Ralph Lauren? I am still interested in him.

Well, lovely those are. But unfortunately, your mate Ralph doesn't

They're special orders from the kit shop. Yeah, me and the lads have been

them for ages.

But only the committee get them. Look.

The committee, eh?

Right.

I'll go and find Gwyn. Kerry, you round up the rest of the idiots.

They're people, not cattle, Jen.

I'm all for the energy, but have a bit of compassion.

This is awkward.

We're just waiting on Gemma.

She's gone looking for Gwen, and then she can accuse you all of being

She thinks that all of us did this.

I mean, everyone apart from Bernard, obviously. He's a victim on quite a few

levels.

Oh, Perry, I'll bloody do it.

Cleaning up after my sister, just like when we were kids, and she drank that

bottle of Mad Dog 2020 and went on the rollercoaster. I'll show you the photo

later. Vomiting while crying. It's like her head's exploding.

Something not hard to.

Hi.

Here we go.

Ursula, Gregor.

The club's power couple.

You hated Creepy Alan.

You banged on about that enough.

What had he done to deserve to die?

Maybe he creeps a bit too much on Ursula.

Yes, Terry, thank you. And Margaret humiliated you in front of everyone. She

said she knew more.

You knew that she knew more, and you knew you needed to keep what she knew

unknown. Ah, done. That easy.

Margaret hurt my feelings, yes.

But why would we kill her?

Here? In the middle of an ongoing murder investigation?

Do we look that stupid?

I'm fully aware that I do, but that's no proof of murder.

Well, I don't know, then. Maybe it's him with a creepy mustache, or her with a

cruel eye.

Oh, shut up, you look the type.

But, tell you what, let's wait till Gemma gets here with Gwyn.

We can ask him.

I mean, my guess is there's a whole bunch of secrets squirrelled away in

I bet it's him.

It's Gwyn.

It's bloody Gwyn.

All right.

Gwyn's off the hook.

Then it's... It's the person we...

Least suspect.

Yeah, it's Bernard.

Based on what?

Nothing.

Bold. I like it.

Hiding in plain sight, aren't you, Bernard?

I'm guessing, based on no evidence whatsoever, that you staged your own

attempted murder, didn't you?

Those injuries are fake.

A cover to make us feel sympathy for you. You've probably got a weapon

on you somewhere in case you need to fight your way out. Leaving a trail of

blood and death behind you.

Let's see, shall we?

Is this cast on your arm real?

It's pretty much bang on, Monica.

And?

But you're a vegan.

Don't eat the body, Terry.

What sort of man do you think I am?

At this minute, a sort of confessed, I'll say, a sort of confessed murderer.

Aye.

That's right.

A murderer.

Thanks for reminding me.

Maybe it's time for me to do what I do best.

Oh!

A Toad Datshi!

The short sword favoured by the samurai.

The boldest... Shut up, Gregor!

Oh, not me.

Please, not me. I did a survey in Vogue.

I'm just reaching my prime as a woman.

Move, Gregor, or I'll go through you to get to her. No!

It's not the honourable thing to do.

At the Borenesian's day.

Oh, Gregor, just end him.

We'll see you again, Eddie.

I shall use my capoeira skills.

Learned them in Brazil.

Well, from a bloke that had been to Brazil.

It's a former self -defense, both graceful and powerful, much like the

that great land.

You've had it.

Monica,

take the knife away. I'm going to do it in the bill.

I think if I kick it away, it'll just make it worse for him.

Monica.

Monica, I have to tell you, this whole thing isn't just me.

And before I go, maybe one kiss for

your gentleman murderer?

Oh, get it for yourself.

Well, I can't thank you in any way.

What's this?

I caught the murderer!

What?

You are so selfish sometimes.

Well, one way or another, it's solved now, I suppose.

Even if it wasn't me that solved it.

Oh, Janna, stop dragging me down.

If it makes you feel any better, you can take all the credit.

Can I?

And you have to remember that when it comes to you and your life, I really

care.

Aw.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh.

Hello, Gemma Brenner, successful law enforcer.

Not yet, Gemma, you're not... We're not quite finished.

Oh, bugger.

Hurry, listen.

This is far bigger than you can...

It isn't about some insignificant little rugby club.

Now, listen very carefully. From where you are standing, do you see the

hut with the door on the far side of the field?

Yeah.

Yeah, I see it. Meet me there in exactly one hour. Inside are all the answers.

Come along.

Oh, no. I always bring Terry. Always.

That's one rule Terry's happy to break because he's scared.

Terry's reconsidered.

Apparently he'd like to come to the sinister clandestine meeting after all.

Fine. Bring Terry.

And Monica.

She's part of the team now too.

Aye.

Thanks, babe.

Bloody hell. Bring them both then.

Well, we're here.

Nothing. What do you think?

I'm thinking is it illegal to wee in the woods?

Oh, go for it. I did it once in Dale Winton's garden, and I wasn't alone.

Naming no name.

They're a loose woman now, as they were then.

Everyone!

Get down!

I can't, I'm mid -floor!

Well, just squat like a cultured lady might.

I'm a boy!

Can't... Changed stance once it started.

Now it's heavy work. Oh, look at this lot.

They've got to have something to do with it.

Right, we're going to have to get changed. It's undercover time.

Hello?

Over here.

My husband's had an accident.

Gemma, can we preserve my dignity just once?

No, we're going to bonk them on the head, knock them out and then take their

clothes and then blend in.

Head bonk?

I've never head bonked anyone before.

You've got a gun, why not use that?

Bonk them with the gun?

No, I mean, maybe use it to threaten them.

Right. Just don't shoot them.

No guarantees in this life.

Hi!

I've got this.

Now take your clothes off.

Please. She was going to bonk you on the head, but I talked her out of it.

You should be grateful.

Into the woods.

Whoop, whoop. Monica here. And guess what? We just sort of kidnapped some

and stolen their clothes.

Don't say that.

We'll let them go after we've saved the day.

And I'll be running these clothes through the wash before we give them

Funny pair.

I've nothing to add, but don't you think I can really pull camouflage off as I

look? Here's hoping we don't get killed on what looks to be a super secret

meeting of some kind of deathly militia. Like and subscribe, guys.

Right. We're going to get in there, have a sniff about, see what we can find.

Now, this could be a trap. So keep your masks on and stay undercover.

Now, the art of undercover work is confidence.

So the more confidence we show, the less likely we are to get rumbled.

How confident were you thinking?

About four pints, four pints confident.

OK, gotcha. Well, what about me?

You go full Karen.

Little secret, Gemma. It takes ten Karens to make one moniker. Watch me

Password? We forgot it.

But we're cool, yeah, mate?

Let us in.

No, without the password.

Four pints. Go.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, are you? Are you actually kidding me? Are you, though? Karen, now.

I want to speak to the manager. How dare you?

Are you kidding me, though? I mean, what have I done?

What have I done? I'm going to report you. This is appalling customer survey.

Might have been a bit much.

Never go wrong with four pints of confidence.

Oh, I've got a bad feeling about this.

I always have a bad feeling about everything.

Do you have time?

Toby, look!

Bloody hell.

Creepy much?

I've been in something like this before.

Vanessa Phelps has one under her house, full of cats.

But as long as you don't mention the stench, she's a very gracious host.

Welcome, chosen ones.

The future of the human race.

What the hell is going on?

Well, if they bid me to, they should show themselves soon.

And now it's time to welcome the leader!

We have each of us traveled different paths to reach this destination.

Some of you believe an ecological disaster is about to envelop us.

Some are astronomers who predict a meteorite is about to hit the Earth.

have followed calendars of ancient civilizations, whilst others have read a

too much of the really far -out stuff on the Internet.

Yet despite our differences, we all know one truth.

The world above us will end in exactly ten minutes and... Oh, sorry, seven

minutes and thirty -five seconds.

So now, let us bow our heads and close our eyes and think of those about to die

in the above world.

Bloody hell, it's a doomsday course.

Oh, we've never had one of those.

Right, I've got a plan. Run away?

Hide under a blanket?

No. We need to get into the leader's little cave, and we need to get some

evidence. Further into the frightening situation, sort of directly away from

safety. Yes.

Chapter 7.

Bloody Chapter 7.

Excuse me.

Come on.

Let's see if we can find some dodgy stuff.

Chapter 9, locating dodgy stuff.

Harry, I'm sensing some resentment from my new crime -fighting skills.

Yeah, but they're not so cold, are they, Gem?

At first, like, you detoured a superior officer.

Then you failed to get into the mind of the murderer, which directly led to the

murderer nearly slicing off my arm.

Okey -dokey, maybe my methods are unconventional, but I get results.

That's the thing, though.

You don't. Are you two... We're having a domestic while we're in a clandestine,

more than likely evil, underground lair.

Owen,

you were right, Monica.

It's most definitely evil.

You know, if somebody'd asked me where I want to spend the last few moments on

Earth, I don't think I'd have said tied to a chair in a cave, surrounded by

psychopaths.

Even worse, near Monica.

Don't worry, I've got a plan. You are all under arrest.

You do not have to say anything, for it may harm your defence if you...

Ignore him, Gem.

I felt you were very bold.

Oh, look at this.

Quick, look.

Are you able to make it?

Then as well, the sneaky bogus.

How long were you planning on staying down here for?

A decade or so.

At least until the danger clears.

A decade?

Good God, I'll be in my forties by then.

Come on, just let me have it.

Why are you not thick anymore, Dante?

Sorry. It was a bit naughty of me, wasn't it?

Fooling you?

Wait, wait, wait.

Gem, will baby Jesus have to pull the rugby poster out of their bum?

What? Will he, Gem? Will he?

Is it bad that I heard, wouldn't you? Oh, great.

Gorgeous, intelligent and devilish.

So if the world's going to end and everyone up there is going to die, why

all these people?

Well, the developers were about to dig everything up.

We can't have that.

They'd have discovered what my grandfather built.

This place.

And the other day places booked.

Each photograph.

A spot reserved to survive the coming apocalypse.

Then as time went on, we soon realized... How irritating they were.

Can you imagine being locked down here with Dinger?

His endless sanitizing.

Oh, creepy Alan.

And creepy Gwendolyn.

It would be remiss of us to permit that level of creepiness to creep into the

new world.

And Margaret?

Margaret embarrassed me. So I had Bernard pop her off as well.

We only want people that we like down here.

Which is why we brought you here.

You didn't bring me.

I found you.

Only because you followed the clues we left you, Gemma.

It was Dante on the phone bringing you here.

Oh, yes, we've been following you for years.

All the murders you solve, all the killers you caught.

We could do with someone like you in the new world.

Seriously?

She's useless.

Do you know the number of people that have to die before she eventually

out who the killer is?

Hashtag Gemma's inept.

Don't you worry, Terry.

We will make sure that Gemma is very happy.

Go. Wait, what?

It's time to say goodbye, Terry.

It's time to die.

You don't have to kill me.

You just leave me upstairs.

Let the apocalypse get me.

Terry, are you saying you want to die in the apocalypse without me?

No, I just... It's all right, Gemma.

You'll soon fall in love with me.

Oh, now we see what is after trapping us down here. So eventually, we will

ignore the fact that he's a villainous psychopath and fall for his softer side.

One night, we'll be having a nightmare and he'll wake us from it.

holding our trembling bodies to his ample chest, our eyes meet, and we kiss,

softly at first, and then with passion, as our bodies become one, and the fire

in us builds to an all -consuming, intense, physical inferno.

You disgust me.

Mm, not you.

I'm not attracted to you.

Just Gemma.

Oh, right.

Once she killed Terry.

Yay. What? Oh, Terry, don't worry, I'll be down here living like a nun by the

sound of it.

Well, you see, if I killed Terry...

It's going to be harder for you to fall in love with me.

So I thought it would be kinder if you did it.

No.

I won't do it.

I can't do it.

I'll figure something out.

Too late, Gemma.

Time to close the door.

I know it's a sad way to start our relationship off.

But I'm going to need you to kill Terry now, please.

Never. Oh, just do it, Gemma. If he kills you, I'll be trapped down here

man who doesn't fancy me.

Gemma, just get it done.

Terry, don't just give up.

We've cheated death too many times.

I've been nearly drowned.

Nearly burnt to death.

Nearly pushed off a cliff.

Determined to nail his babe.

Do it. Do it now.

Or I swear I'll make him watch you die.

Gemma, do it. Or they'll kill us all.

I'm so sorry I got into this, Terry.

I'd give everything to be back to you. Go to doors.

Oh, you change your mind.

I'm afraid the end of the world, but I'm afraid it might meet me.

See?

Nothing happened.

The world didn't end.

Gemma! I think they might be right here.

They're kicking under the wall.

It's coming.

Her grandfather was right. He predicted it all.

Harry!

Now, kill Terry.

Unless you want us to kill all three of you.

Hang on a minute.

That's not very fair.

It was only time to help.

Brenda? How did you get in here?

As I always do.

Scurry here, scurry there.

Someone shoot her.

Oh, no bullets, Dante. What a shame.

I'm going to save everyone a bit of time.

There's no bullets in any of the other guns.

Except this one.

Now, Margaret taught me a thing or two. She was a cleaner, remember?

And she stole things.

Go on, Brenda.

And you better hit the deck, Gemma, because this is going to get very messy.

Right -o.

I mean, you could have held them at gunpoint while we went and got help.

What's with them now?

Thanks, Brenda.

I tell you what, Gemma.

I'll keep an eye on this lot and you go on up and ask for backup.

Was anything left at first?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Excuse me, either of you two, Mr. and Mrs. Bradley and Martin?

The property developers?

Yeah.

Oh, they've been killed?

Killed? Well, the Mr's, Bradley and Martin, where the Mrs. is, are probably

grieving somewhere.

They only booked me a few weeks ago.

I've got to cancel it after they've died.

Yeah.

A bulldozer!

That was what all the shaking was earlier.

Look at him, poor bugger.

Day before opening.

Well, we made it. An extra 100 ,000 of you tuned in to find out that the

murderer was... What sort of everyone?

But they're all dead now.

Isn't that amazing?

And we're joined by a special guest on the feed. Hello, Vanessa Bell.

Monica, hi.

Hey, babe.

How's things?

Just checking you're still coming over tonight.

You know it. Can you pick up a couple of dozen sacks of cat litter on the way,

please? And some Febreze.

You're looking as well as can be expected.

Another one solved, Harry?

I was born for this life.

No, you weren't.

You're like me.

You were born to sit on the sofa, get pizza delivered.

Occasionally make a fool of yourself at a wedding because you started drinking

too early.

So why are you here with me?

Because I love you.

The proper you.

Not the sergeant, super -client -fighting Gemma.

The Gemma who takes all the covers and then complains she's too off.

And the Gemma who rings me on the phone to tell me that she's lost her phone.

Oh, have I let this whole serious crimes agency thing go to my head?

If I'm afraid to say yes, that should tell you a lot right now.

OK.

We'll go back to doing the coach tour.

Back on the road, me and you.

Yeah.

That'd mean me killing your dreams, wouldn't it?

Isn't that the point of marriage?

It is, yeah.

It's also important to have grievances to hold over each other's heads as and

when required.

The detective agents say the grievance is gold mine.

Today, for instance, you planned to kill me at another's direction.

Pure gold.

I'm not giving that up.

Proper love you, you know.

And I'll even give up the gun.

Of course.

You had the gun all this time. Why didn't you use the gun?

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