Original subtitles

All right. All right!

Gemma.

Look, Gemma, now's not a good time. Oh, it's not, is it not?

You get in there. I've got something to say to you.

What, like, anything you haven't already said?

Mm. Maybe last week or the week before,

how I totally betrayed your trust

and made us both live a lie.

Look, maybe just let me save you some time.

Shut up and let me in. No, no.

If you want to give me a full dressing down,

why not do it out here?

Full-on contempt.

Go on, go for it. Yeah?

No, no, no.

Gem. Just... You listen to me, Terry Bremer.

What is she doing here? Hi, Gemma.

How are you doing? Haven't seen you since your wedding day

when you tried to marry my husband, remember?

As he's aware, if he'd have been straight with me and told me he was

married, I wouldn't have given him a second look.

Oh, come on. Just look at him.

You'd still have been tempted.

Gemma, can we discuss this outside, please?

No. No, we can't.

I'm a big girl who can take me lot. We're having this out right here,

right now. Gemma, please. Please, Gemma, stay.

I'd love to see this.

Gemma. Get your hands off me.

Don't, Terry. Gemma, please trust me.

Trust you? Are you having a laugh?

Honestly, I've got a plan.

Yeah? It's gonna fix this entire thing.

Plan? What plan?

What have you done, Terry?

Oh.

And that you did intentionally

and with malice of forethought

set gas canisters to explode,

engulfing the caravan in flames and killing the victim.

I didn't.

It wasn't me.

I'm not a murderer.

I catch murderers.

We catch murderers.

At least, I stand next to her when she does.

Miss Draper, who told us that you informed her

of a plan

to get rid of the victim.

This is a cruel, premeditated crime indeed.

Guilty.

We've got a special little cell just for you, my friend.

Come on, let's see what you've won.

Hiya.

Look at us two, hey?

The governor said this was only designed for one person.

I said, "Don't worry,

"if it doesn't work out, I'll make sure there is only one

"person here."

Alive, anyway.

You don't scare me.

So this is, ah,

my punishment for lying to Gemma.

I... I didn't kill anyone.

But I did kill our love.

So I,

I accept what's going on.

Gemma, just accept what's going on.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, Monica.

Have you ever had a friend that you've solved murders with,

fallen in love with, and then just as you're about to marry him,

they reveal they've been married to someone else the whole time?

I had something very similar with one of the presenters

of The One Show.

But I got over it, Gemma.

It's been months. I can't seem to move on, Mon.

You need closure. I can't believe I'm saying this.

You need to go and see him one last time, have it all out.

And that'll give me closure? God, no.

Then you go to a wine bar, get talking to the fittest barman

and take him home for a night of deviant passion,

then break up with him, breaking his heart

and taking all your problems out on him.

Is that fair?

It's what love is, Gemma.

Now open your post.

Oh, what's this?

It's Terry.

And her.

Cafe Gardetto, 1997?

What? There you go, a picture of a dead person.

You love dead people. I...

I like finding out who killed them.

And in this case, we know who killed one, but,

is he dead? And why is he circled?

Did Terry kill him as well?

There's only one way to find out.

You're right.

I'm gonna see Terry.

Well done, you. I'll go and book us a wine bar for after.

We can go on the hunt. Oh, yeah.

Might want to tidy yourself up first.

Have a wash. You're a bit...

..skanky.

She's right.

Why did they have to die, Terry?

Can you just touch the glass, please, Gemma?

Just so I can feel some connection.

Caw-caw. Why are you wearing a bird mask?

It gets to be human again when it's done its chores.

Namely, cleaning the cell

and singing me to sleep.

You're both idiots.

Bit harsh. Look, Terry,

I need you to tell me what you've been up to.

That was a former life,

Gem, one I've left behind.

Ahem.

Caw-caw.

Oh, I know all about your other life.

I've googled the bloody Cafe Gardetto.

Look, loads of stuff came up.

Apparently, it was notorious in the '90s as the hang-out

for the most cut-throat smuggling gang in all of London.

That was me.

Gemma, I only ever did tiny crimes.

Not massive ones, just teeny tiny crimes.

Then I got out because the gang got too heavy for me.

Caw-caw.

See this fella here?

That's Larry.

Caw-caw.

He was killed.

Eight months ago, in London.

I went back through our diaries.

You were in London on that day.

Yeah, but only because I went to Harrods,

getting those biscuits that your mum likes so much.

Which I still maintain are just digestives rebranded.

Caw-caw.

It all makes sense now.

When I met you, you were living in the bottom of the coach.

On the run from a murder, no doubt.

I was low on ambition.

Caw-caw. And murders.

You've done that many yourself, it's no wonder you're so bloody good

at solving them. I'm not.

I'm rubbish at it. We both are.

I put this forward when we were generating the business plan.

Caw-caw.

There's more to this than I know,

and I'm gonna find out everything.

Does this mean you're investigating?

Are you going to prove me innocent?

The candle of love was flickering,

but it still burns on in your heart, Gemma.

Caw...

..caw.

I'm not proving your innocence, Terry.

I'm finding out who else you killed.

Oh, it's no more sitting on the sofa for me. Oh, no, I've got a new case.

And I'm back to being an investigator.

You gonna come back here and talk to me about my other victims?

HE STUTTERS

Although, I hasten to add, there are none.

Are you gonna come back and talk to me, Gemma?

Caw-caw?

Watch her go, Terry.

Every single step.

Maybe I can cheer you up and tell you about the time

I met a census taker.

I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice can of Lilt.

Caw?

Chianti gives me wind.

Caw-caw.

PHONE VIBRATES

Bonjour. Pack your stuff.

Oh, right, yes, of course. Hang on.

Are you kicking me out? You can't kick me out of my own house.

No, we're going on a case, so chuck some clothes in a bag.

Ooh, where are we going? Somewhere glamorous?

London. Oh, can we go to Soho?

There's some nightclubs I'd like to see if I'm still barred from.

We're gonna find out the truth about Terry Bremer.

Or whatever his name is. Fine.

As long as we're staying somewhere four-star, proper four-star,

not TripAdvisor four-star.

Their four-star just means it's not presently on fire.

Oh, she's gone. Exciting.

There, there.

You might want to get today's crying out the way now, Terry.

Save you keeping me up all night, eh?

Mm. Are you crying for your victim?

Or for the life that you once had that's now completely over

and the fact you're gonna have to spend

the rest of it in here with me?

I don't have a victim.

I'm innocent. Course you are.

Don't worry.

You've got another friendly face coming in soon.

Remember Gary?

From London? Psycho Gary?

Oh, now there's a nickname.

He's being transferred here.

He was in medium security, but someone told him you were here.

So he folded up the guard like origami

and now he's being transferred.

And apparently, he's gone extra psycho since he found out

you killed Kerry.

He did always have a massive crush on her.

Well, it looks like he's gonna have a crush on you, by the sounds of it.

Oh. Still, you've got a couple of days to practise your begging before

he gets here. I'll be fine.

I'm sure I can talk to him and we'll straighten this whole thing out.

SHOUTING: Get me to him!

I'm gonna snap him in two!

Do you recognise any of these faces?

Oh, yeah, that's Tony.

He told me he was called Terry.

He told me he could drink 20 pints and still get to the toilet.

He was wrong every night.

And that's Kerry.

And that's Karrie.

And that's Barry and that's Gary

and that's Larry and she is Harry.

Short for Harriet.

They had a big thing about rhyming their names, so...

Except for Tony, he didn't want to join in.

Do you know him? Yeah.

Cos he still owes me a lot of money for about 100 drinks.

Tell him to come in and pay me.

He got life in prison for murder.

Well, when he gets out, tell him to come in and pay me.

Are any of them still around here?

Oh, yeah.

Karrie, you'll find her over there.

Amazing.

Amazing, thank you. Thank you for your help.

I'm sorry, Gemma, but if we're investigating anything,

I think the real crime's whatever's happened in that toilet.

Do you even have a cleaner?

Karrie's over there. Come on, let's go and meet her.

Well, if she can make us even a passable martini,

she's my new best friend.

Look at this place.

I need somewhere that's a bit more Kim Kardashian than Kerry Katona.

What is the point of this?

Who's going to wear it once you've made it?

Me. I am.

Jazz things up around here.

Good luck getting the material.

Oh, I've already got it.

I'm gonna use human skin.

Yours, in fact.

You what?

Good job you're a big lad.

I might even get a scarf out of you as well.

Well, a little one.

TERRY WHIMPERS

She was right then.

I don't think Karrie's going to be as much help as we thought.

She probably thinks she's being funny.

Cheeky madam.

Probably why this place is half empty.

Well, that and the smell of egg.

There's more to this story than just this.

There's not, Gemma.

This was your lead, we've come here and nothing.

Honestly, I thought this was going to be a sisters together,

glamorous hunt for the truth, and all I've got is you dragging me

around London in your orthopaedic sandals.

I need these for my fallen arches, Monica.

As well you know.

Oh.

This is Harry. From the photo.

Someone's helping us.

Right. Now you just stay in the background, Gemma.

For a change. These are my people.

Mm, the affluent yachting community.

Rude, rich and thoroughly arrogant.

God, it's good to be back in my world.

That feeling, Gemma, of being out on the open water,

your fella at the helm, and knowing his wife is safely back in England,

you can't beat it.

It's the Clammy Mermaid.

Hello? Gemma, that's not how we address people

in the yachting world.

Ahoy. Permission to come aboard?

Pardon? Hi, hi.

Ah, yes, we're hoping to ask you a few questions.

I'm Gemma. This is my sister and salty seadog Monica.

Ignore Gemma. She's had a plain life.

Questions? About what?

A bloke called Tony.

Well, I knew him as Terry.

And some people called Barry and Karrie and Larry.

I think there's a Gary in there somewhere... Get away from here.

Get away from my boat. I'll have marina security kick you out.

Really, Harry?

And when they get here, shall I point out the sheen

on the water all around your boat?

That's oil leakage, dear, polluting our beautiful waterways.

They won't like that. Your shaft seal's probably gone,

but you know that already.

When they get here, shall I also point out you've swapped over

your shore power with your neighbour's yacht?

You're using their electricity, aren't you?

You could install solar, I mean, better for the environment.

You could run this whole rig off three panels,

but I doubt you've got the money to spend, have you?

How dare you? I mean, you could get hissy and just sail away,

but your exhaust's blacker than a rainy night in Hull,

so you've probably got a fuel injector away, maybe more than one,

so for all your fliers offering boat trips,

we both know that you'll not get very far.

This boat's not seaworthy.

Which means we also both know that this boat tours nonsense

is a front for something. My guess is tax avoidance with a cheeky

little sprinkling of money laundering.

Perhaps you'd both like to join me for a little tipple. Oh.

And don't worry, we're not with the authorities.

Gemma here's a private investigator.

And I've got an actual life.

That was surprisingly incredible.

Gemma, I have my uses.

There's more to me than just a pretty face and incredible body

and a dazzling personality.

And I'm very grateful for that.

Well, there's no getting around it, that is me.

Gosh, a long time ago.

What a fun lot we were.

Why are Kerry and Larry circled?

They're dead.

Gemma's ex-fiance murdered one of them. He's in prison for it.

She's got poor taste in men.

What Monica means by that is, um,

well, yeah, she's right actually.

We were hoping we could ask... Kerry's dead?

Oh, my God.

Who killed her?

Him. Tony?

Well, he was Terry when I knew him.

Tony's the... Tony's the murderer?

Tony the terrified.

Why's that so funny?

Well...

I suppose if Kerry's dead, there's no harm in telling you.

What you're looking at

is a photograph

of the Thames 12.

There's only seven of you. Yeah, I think a few had been

arrested or killed by the time this photo was taken.

So how was Tony-slash-Terry involved in this?

He just turned up. He'd been driving a coach load of tourists

and he popped into Gardetto's for a beer and he and Kerry hit it off.

Before you knew it, inseparable, weren't they?

Of course, Kerry always had an angle.

She got him to smuggle things across the border in his coach.

Oh, yeah, coach load of pensioners waved through any checkpoint

in Europe.

And they got married? Oh, yes, they did, didn't they?

What a day that was.

Oh, we were laughing.

So, you see, Kerry had shot somebody. She shot someone?

Yes, it was most unlike her.

Normally, she left that to me and Barry.

We were the enforcers.

But the police knew that Tony had been there when she did it.

Now, a husband cannot testify against his wife,

so they got hitched.

Very convenient.

That's Barry in the photo there.

He still lives around here. Oh?

I see him sometimes up at the orphan centre.

Oh, it takes me back to those days.

Taking a blowtorch to somebody's toes

because they hadn't paid us.

And then the smell would make us crave pork cracklings,

so we'd scream it back to Gardetto's for bar snacks

and alibis. Oh, happy days.

So how did I meet Terry-Tony up north then?

Well, he ran off. The local police were getting wise to us

and he got scared.

Pulled the coach up at the border and made a run for it.

We lost a shipment and he knew what the penalty was for that.

What was that?

Me. Well, death by me.

Oh, I was quite synonymous with death at the time.

So you didn't catch him?

No, I caught him.

I just couldn't do it.

He's the only one

that got away.

But I'll tell you this,

and you must remember...

GUN FIRES GEMMA SCREAMS

Harry, get down!

I think I'll just sit here if that's all right.

GUN FIRES SHE SCREAMS

Hold still, Harry. You're bleeding. Best of luck, everyone.

GUN FIRES

Don't use the tablecloth, it's from John Lewis.

Use your terrible shirt. Stay still.

I'll keep pressure on it. We're gonna make it.

It'll take more than this to lay me down, my dear, I promise you that.

Now get yourself ready.

We're gonna have to make a run for it.

I've got some guns in the car. We'll hunt down whoever's doing this

and shoot them in the mouth.

Or maybe go to hospital and notify the police.

Not my way, ginger. Let's go.

GUN FIRES

Oh, Gemma!

Oh.

Gemma?

Oh. Come on, we've got to keep moving.

He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to do any of it, your Tony.

Terry. Don't split hairs.

Tony the terrified we called him,

because he was scared of the smuggling.

He did whatever she said. Never stood up for himself.

Followed her from crazy scheme to crazy scheme.

Was he like that when he was with you? No.

Well, yeah, but it's very complicated.

He begged her not to rush him into getting married.

He wanted to wait. He wanted to wait until he was sure.

So he didn't want to? No.

Kerry frogmarched him up the aisle, the poor sod.

I did get him up the aisle, but it was voluntary, so...

Take care of yourself.

If I've learnt nothing else in this life,

it's that any grown woman with Velcro fastenings on her shoes

needs to look out for herself.

They're orthopaedic. I've got fallen arches.

GUN FIRES Go!

Come on, then. Take me if you... GUN FIRES

SHE SHRIEKS GUN FIRES

GUN FIRES

Monica, I'm safe.

If that even barely interests you.

TYRES SCREECH

Stop! MONICA SCREAMS

Stop! You're making a huge mistake.

She's more annoying than you can ever imagine.

Oi, hey, what's going on?

Hey? All right. I'm good. I'm good.

TYRES SCREECH

GUN FIRES Quick, over here. Get in the cab.

Argh.

Follow that van. What?

Towards the guys with guns? Yeah, that's a good idea.

Argh! Are you OK?

Are you hit?

My whole life just flashed

before my eyes.

Monica was in loads of it.

Being annoying. Yeah, well, someone sure doesn't like you.

We didn't do anything.

We're just asking questions. Asking questions around here

is a dangerous thing.

There's a lot of bad people, mate.

You're not.

You saved my bloody life back there, you did.

Yeah, I can't help it.

I see two beautiful women in danger and I do what I can to help.

Even if I only manage to save one of them.

You said beautiful, though.

Who would you say was the most beautiful?

Mum always said that Monica was beautiful on the outside

and I was more beautiful on the inside,

but objectively, how would you rate us?

PHONE VIBRATES

Right.

Hi, Gemma. Please don't hang up.

I won't.

Terry, why are you dancing?

To cheer me up, Gemma.

Someone did a stinker in the communal latrine last night.

So now they've got a day of dancing to make amends for it.

I do not understand men sometimes.

Look, I met with Harry.

She was one of me favourites of the lot.

Apart from all them people she killed.

How is she? Dead.

Someone shot her. Oh, God, no.

She explained everything to me.

How you didn't ever want to be a part of it,

how you were as spineless back then as you are now.

Great. I mean, I think.

Terry, I know that you didn't kill Kerry.

The second we started asking questions here,

they're trying to bump us off.

Monica's been kidnapped.

They kidnapped Monica?

Poor sods. Yeah.

I think the real killer

is here in London.

So are you gonna catch them and then we can

go back to how things were?

I'll catch the killer, get Monica back,

but you still lied to me, Terry.

I did.

Oh, that's horrible, isn't it, Gemma?

Once trust is gone, there's nothing really left, is there?

I think that's a crime probably worse than murder.

Dance.

Look, I've got to go. We're going to the orphan centre to talk to Barry.

No, don't...

Wait, did, sorry... Did you just say you want to go to the orphan centre?

Yeah, I think the person

we're looking for must be helping children there. Children?

At the orphan centre? Mm.

Yeah, that's not likely.

We're all orphans here.

Orphans from a world that doesn't want us, right?

Tossed into the mire, erased from existence.

Lovely.

Don't listen to anyone who says that drugs have addled my mind.

Here's a secret. My mind was addled

long before I even touched them, right?

I win. I was hoping to ask you a few questions

if that's all right. Yeah, I was hoping to answer them, yes.

But will the answers match the questions, right?

Is truth real?

Do eight out of ten cats really prefer Whiskas?

OK. Um...

Can I show you this?

Oh, look, it's me.

It is, yeah. Or is it?

Or is it fake?

The nightmare made real.

The sorcerer's spell thrown up across the paper.

Well, maybe accept it's real and focus on looking at it.

Tony, oh, there's Tony.

I used to like Tony, and there's Harry

and Kerry and Karrie, all the gang.

And have you seen any of them lately?

Yes. Yes?

And no. Oh.

Kerry was here yesterday.

You didn't bring any KitKats, did you? I don't like them,

but I like to know they're there, you know?

Kerry's dead, I'm afraid.

She died a couple of months ago.

Must have been a hallucination.

We got pulled over in a car with lots of acid in it

about ten years ago, so I ate it.

Don't think it's fully left my system.

Are you real?

I think so.

That's nice. Although, today I'm wishing I wasn't.

Just remember, I know I wasn't a good father, right?

But in fairness, you haven't been a great daughter, have you?

Bring it back, Barry. Look at the photo.

What is it? What are we looking at? It's you.

We were just talking about it. Very likely.

I come and go.

I've gone again. Please?

Can we keep it together

for, like, two minutes?

I really need your help. My sister's been kidnapped.

God knows what she's going through right now.

She's probably absolutely terrified.

And another thing, whoever grabbed me

and put me in that van has got very rough hands.

Would it kill you to moisturise just once before abducting someone?

Would it? I'm gonna say the same to you as I said to Torvill and Dean

when I caught one of them weeing behind the bins at Claridge's.

This is beneath all of us. On the plus side,

is this a bag for life?

Well done you for not using plastics.

Shut up.

We need to do something,

but it's all going wrong.

I mean, if Terry was here, it'd be going a lot worse,

but at least I'd have someone to talk to about it, you know?

I'm here. You can talk to me if that helps.

Oh.

What am I doing?

I'm getting lost in the moment. I'm Gemma bloody Draper.

I don't sit in pubs crying about me kidnapped sister

and getting seduced by young taxi drivers.

Oh, seduced? I don't think so.

I was just holding your hand supportively, that's all.

Oh, yeah, OK.

Supportively.

Nice try, Terence, but I'm back in the game.

Which way did that van go? Look, I've been asking around

and I think I can help.

The van, those blokes, it might be a bit of a problem.

They're from this local gang. They're called the... The Thames 12.

I was in that gang.

Or maybe I was in another gang against that gang.

Or maybe I made up the second gang. Or maybe I was in the real one

and the made up one.

The more I hear about this, the more it

pulls me in.

Take me there, Terence.

Try not to seduce me on the way there.

I'm coming.

When it comes to seduction, I must warn you now,

my attention can drift during sex, so best keep a good

book by the bed until I'm back with you.

But first things first, we need to charge ourselves up.

Ready, mother.

This is where they keep all their stuff,

so your sister might be with them.

A half caramel macchiato, half hazelnut latte,

no foam, with honey in a large cup.

Two lids, not stirred.

Got that?

Yeah, she's there, all right.

I've been here before.

Although that might've been a past life, so also I might've died here.

If indeed I am alive at all.

SHE SIGHS

What you doing?

They're not just gonna let us walk in.

MONICA: How bloody dare you?

If you're going to drag me anywhere,

put the handsome one where I can smell him. Now!

WHISPERING: Monica?

They've got her, but what can we do?

It's time to raise the stakes a bit.

Come on.

Get up.

You're playing fizzy hopscotch.

No, it hurts. Course it hurts.

That's the entertainment.

I hate this.

I hate here. I hate you.

I thought we were mates.

Buds.

Lads together.

Mates?

Buds?

I'd rather be anywhere than here.

Really?

Right.

You could just walk out then.

You're kidding? There's got to be at least, what, 20 doors

between us and freedom.

I've got keys.

Ugh.

Keys?

Yeah.

Look.

Gah.

I mean, they're made out of human teeth and bone

but I'm a serial killer, I've got a brand to maintain.

Here, if you're not happy, take them.

See you later.

Bloody hell.

Thanks, Willy.

You know what? Maybe you're not as bad as everyone makes out.

Apart from the killing spree.

You get going, mate.

Give Gemma a hug from me when you see her.

Oh, I won't.

But thanks.

HE GASPS

ALARMS RING

Forgot to say, got the keys,

haven't got the alarm code.

Oops. On the bright side,

we have both just tried an escape.

It's back to court we go.

They do great biscuits. It'll be a fun day out.

And if you try and gag me again,

I'll just eat through that one as well.

Shut up, shut up.

Shut up.

Why do you talk so much?

Because I can. Because I want to.

Because I'm fascinating.

You're gonna die here. Oh, no, I won't.

Because my sister will come and find me.

She's amazing.

Unstoppable.

And I probably don't tell her that enough.

But she will not rest until she finds me.

She will haunt your every waking second. When you dream,

she'll be there too, probably wearing a brown jumper

that does nothing for her figure, but she will be there.

All right, I'll be quiet.

Your sister is not coming to save you.

Nobody is coming to save you.

You shouldn't have been asking questions.

Poking your nose into things that don't concern you.

Now the boss is deciding what we do with you.

But it ain't gonna be pretty.

SHE WHIMPERS

TYRES SCREECH

SHE SHRIEKS

MONICA SCREAMS

Monica? Monica? I'm under here.

God, look at the state of you.

Get some dry shampoo before someone sees you.

I was so worried. Well, what took you so long? Honestly.

Save the gratitude for later.

Let's go. It's him.

Gemma, he's part of it. He's with them.

Who, Terence? Oh, I doubt it. He is completely obsessed with me.

I'm not. Yeah, come on, Gemma. Be realistic.

But look. That photo over there.

Gemma, look, I can explain.

SHOUTING: Everyone hold your horses.

Barry, how long have you had that gun?

Well, time is a fluid construct, Gemma.

We all have to ride on the back of the snail of history.

But to answer your question, since the bar.

Barry, just put the gun down, yeah?

Everyone put their guns down or he gets it!

Whatever it may be.

What should we do?

Don't shoot.

You're rubbish shots anyway. You'll just end up hitting me.

Oh, my God.

So it's true, you are part of all this?

And for that reason, he must pay the ultimate price.

As I consign you to join the heavenly energy swirl

we all must join.

Yet your time is now and at my hand.

That'll be an end now.

Oh, for the love of God.

Everybody just stop what you're doing.

Kerry's alive.

You're all a bunch of idiots. Every last bloody one of you.

Ah!

You lot should've killed her

when you killed Harry.

And you, Barry, should've listened to me yesterday

when I told you to leave all this alone. I may have forgotten

what you said cos I'm scared of your hair.

Are you the Medusa that haunts my dreams?

And, indeed, am I... Just shut up, Barry.

Righto. You, Gemma,

should've stayed up north, nursed your broken heart

and got on with your life.

Oh, I don't give up that easily.

See, I stand for truth, I stand for justice...

GUN FIRES I'm sorry, I interrupted you.

Carry on.

And you, Terence.

What is all this about?

Helping them?

I had to...

..Mum. Mum? Ooh.

She's his mum.

This is tense. I love it.

Your time has come.

Me and the gang, we had a meeting the other day.

It's time for some new management. What do you mean?

You don't spare a thought for anyone that works for us.

Look at poor Kristoff over there.

You called him inept the other day.

That was very triggering for him.

I had to do some de-escalation

just to stop him from defecting to another gang.

And he's not alone. Most of these boys have got very valid workplace

complaints that you were just simply not addressing.

Like what?

Pensions.

Health care.

The basics.

We need to move this gang forward.

We need an HR department. Maybe even take the boys on a company picnic.

Aw. A company picnic?

Are you soft in the head?

We are murderers, thieves and smugglers.

Murderers, thieves and smugglers who are going straight to jail.

Oh, really?

Well, aren't you looking pretty stupid?

Cos you're about to die.

Well, I probably am.

But can I just ask you,

why did you fake your death at all?

Well, it turned out that Interpol

and various other authorities were after me

so it was time to disappear.

And I thought, "Why not get back at your precious Terry for leaving me

"while I did it?"

Oh.

So you're perverting the course of justice and attempting murder,

but you haven't quite attempted the murder yet, have you?

What's going on here? Why aren't you scared?

Cos I've got you, Kerry.

This is what I do - catching criminals.

Oh, really?

Well, you are in my warehouse with my

admittedly reluctant workforce.

Sorry, boys. But they're armed to the back teeth

and I've got a gun pointed at you right now.

That's all... That's all true.

But I've brought my own crew.

Hiya. Hiya. Hi.

And I was a tour guide long enough to know

that every chance they get, they'll whip out their phones

and they will be filming everything they see.

You getting all this, girls? Every word.

I'm streaming on Facebook Live. I'm on with Sky News now.

We've gone global.

You might want to put the gun down, Kerry, love.

SIRENS APPROACH You're looking pretty stupid.

No!

No, this is not how this ends.

Sorry, Mum. But, you know, business is business.

Police, police!

Hands in the air!

Stay still!

Put your guns down.

Gemma, I'm sorry for the lies. Oh, OK.

Your heart's in the right place.

Shame you've got to go to prison. Sadly not.

You see, I've not actually committed any provable crimes,

other than to highlight workplace inadequacies and attempt

to improve employment conditions

in an increasingly competitive marketplace.

Oh, um...

That was a moment

we had in the bar, though, wasn't it?

If you want it to be, Gemma.

Yeah.

We won't see each other again, Gemma.

Say hello to me dad for me, yeah?

Who's your dad?

Look at you, Gemma.

Trying to have it off with your fiance's son.

Naughty, naughty.

Wait, what?

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh, God. Well.

SHE GULPS

And so, in conclusion, you are cleared

of the charge of murder

due to your victim still being alive.

And as for the charge of your attempted escape...

GUARDS LAUGH

..you are sentenced to time served and may, therefore,

leave this court a free man.

And as for you, William Watkins.

Oh, just stick it on me tab, you wig wearing little knacker.

Go on. You can kiss your Gemma.

I don't think she wants to. We've still got a lot...

I want to.

I am so sorry

I didn't tell you all that stuff about my other life.

I just wanted you to think I was a good man.

You are a good man.

In that case, I want to marry you as soon as possible.

No big wedding.

Just you and me. Yeah.

Together.

Well, she can probably do that, can't you, wiggy?

Well, I can, but it's most irregular.

And do you, Tony Bremsworth,

aka Terry Eustice Bremer,

take Gemma to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do, Your Honour.

I ain't never letting go.

And do you, Gemma Sharon Draper,

take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

It's taken bloody ages, but I bloody well do.

Then I now pronounce you husband and wife.

# Suddenly, you're seeing me... #

Hi, I'm Gemma.

You must be Terry, the new driver.

# Suddenly, you're hearing me

# So I'm talking just as fast as I can to you

# Suddenly... #

Well, what do you think?

Gemma.

# Every part of you... #

We're doing this.

Your terry towelling princess.

# Now I know that you are mine... #

Go on, show them who's boss.

I'm gonna spend my whole life making sure

a little bit of wee comes out every day.

Oh, Terry.

# You see the real me

# And I know that you're the key

# Suddenly... #

Are you ready for your wedding present now, Gemma?

From you? Yeah.

Go on, then.

I set this whole thing up.

Many years ago, I worked in London

with the gang.

I joined just after Terry left.

Oh, and Kerry, she was livid that you'd done a runner.

Wasn't she, Terry?

When I met him, I knew who Terry really was.

Hiya.

But I didn't say anything.

After you caught me, I called Kerry

and told her where Terry was,

and I convinced her

to fake her own death.

I just wanted Terry in prison with me.

I thought it'd be a laugh to see him squirming.

Dance.

Caw-caw.

But the thing about Kerry

is she's a bit of an arse. What I mean is,

she used to bite her fingernails and leave the clippings outside my cell

on the floor.

And I don't like rudeness.

And so

it was me that sent that photograph of all those people

in the bar.

Because I decided I quite like you, Gemma.

I like how your mind works.

You never give up

and you see things through to the end.

SHE SCREAMS

I knew it would set you off on your journey to find out

what was really going on.

So this, Gemma, was my wedding gift to you.

I hope you like it.

To think all this chaos caused by just one phone call.

Who knows? I might do something else like this again soon.

After all,

I've got plenty of time...

..thanks to you.

But have a great day

and a great life.

For now.

Sorry, I'd like to go now I've done my big speech.

We'll be ready for him next time, though, won't we?

No.

But at least we'll be unprepared together.

It's how we tend to do things.

Come here, you.

# Suddenly, you're seeing me

# Just the way I am

# Suddenly, you're hearing me

# So I'm talking just as fast as I can to you

# Suddenly, every part of me

# Needs to know every part of you. #

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