Original subtitles

And today, serial killer Willy Watkins was sentenced

to multiple life sentences.

The murder spree known as the Wheels on the Bus Massacre

was foiled by a pair of local coach tour operators

and private investigators,

Terry Bremmer and Gemma Draper.

There he is.

This isn't over, Terry and Gemma!

You'll never really get rid of me!

I'm like a verruca.

This is just the beginning...

CAMERAS CLICK

SIRENS WAIL

TYRES SCREECH

SCREAMING

No, no, no! Stop!

SHOUTING

Oh! Oh!

Can you slow down? Please.

I get travel sickness! What do they want?

What do you want?! Whoa, whoa!

If this is about the fly tipping... Pull over! Let's put an end to this!

Whatever they say! Whatever they say!

HE SOBS

THEY SHOUT

Mind your head. SHE GASPS

Terry! Oh... Please!

Do it now. No, no, no, please!

I'll do anything.

I'll even clean up that mess I left in the back seat.

Let's just talk about this, can we?

Agh...!

Welcome to couples counselling.

Surprise!

No!

No! No!

This is our new case. I know I didn't tell you about it,

but if I had, you'd have just been worried we'd miss the wedding.

All you need to know is we're fully undercover.

Follow my lead, and I believe in you.

We were supposed to be going on a luxury spa break before our wedding.

This does NOT feel like that.

Someone's coming. Be undercover.

Hi, guys. I'm Neil, the course leader.

Hi, Neil. This is Brad, and I'm...Angelina.

Like the film stars? Yeah.

You couldn't make it up, could you?

Well, here, we like to think that while everyone might look at you

and say, "These people shouldn't be together..."

They do. They do say that.

Do they? Yeah. I think they

most definitely do say that, yeah. BUT...we're going to

prove them wrong. Come, meet the rest of our group.

Thank you.

And so, the new case begins.

Terry and Gemma may not solve this case,

but Brad and Angelina are on it like a car bonnet.

Brad's a bit annoyed about being basically kidnapped

by Angelina.

The head office told us they're getting death threats.

They're worried about something terrible happening this weekend.

So you're telling the podcast listeners

all about this before me?!

We've only got 64 followers,

and 63 of them is you, checking that it's uploaded properly!

Terry is failing to be supportive about our amazing podcast.

Because Terry has soiled himself.

Yeah, OK...

Yeah.

I will be perfectly honest with you,

I'm not at all comfortable being outside.

She kind of likes you. OK.

Yeah. Well, that's actually a bit of a surprise. Thank you.

Sometimes. I mean, not all the time.

Welcome to the beginning of the end

of your relationships as they are.

We will work through your issues, but we'll only do this when we...?

ALL: Get it all out in the open.

That's right. Two days and two nights of hiking, bushcraft

and survival exercises to bring your...

..FAILED marriages back from the precipice.

To start, everyone, put your phones

in this secure...pouch.

I'll chuck it on the Jeep,

you get them back at the end. Ooh, yes, please!

Let the babysitter sweat it out on her own.

That is my mum. It is. Yes.

What, are you kidding? We ask participants

to take a hiatus from technology

so they can focus on reconnecting with their partner.

Don't plug into the world!

Plug into each other.

But, you see, I've got a cousin going through a quite nasty divorce.

Yeah. There's a lot of juicy back and forth going on on Facebook.

Thank you.

My phone... It's my everything.

Emma's an influencer. You don't need to introduce me, Darren. Yeah.

I've got 500,000 followers. That's over a million.

We're trying to break your addiction to social media, babes.

Just give it here...

It's placed a sort of barrier in our relationship,

whereby I'm just an accessory in our marriage

on Emma's various posts.

Sort of just mainly...

..hold up Gucci handbags. Darren, phone...

I need phone! What if I need to take a selfie?

We will cope. You do not need to take a selfie.

Just ask me what you look like and I'll just describe you to you.

It's not for me, you moron!

I need my followers to see what I'm doing. I'm a brand, yeah?

An honest, truthful depiction of what I'm up to

and what I look like, with filters.

Let it go, babe. Some things are more important than a phone.

My Facebook followers are going to really miss my daily updates,

but you know what? Saving my marriage is more important.

Because it's falling apart, isn't it, darling?

Oh, yes, darling, it is.

It's in tatters.

Very inconvenient.

I want my phone!

She'll calm down in a minute.

It's just a tantrum.

We see loads of those, don't we? Yeah.

We've got six kids.

We're not sure if we're staying together for them,

or if we're just too tired to get a divorce.

That's why we're here. Have you got kids?

No. Honestly, don't.

Oh, God, no, don't have kids.

That is the one thing we can actually agree on.

We should never have had kids, and now we've got six of the...

..leeches. And on that note of delicious regret...

..off we go!

This way, please!

Come on...

Come on!

After the first baby, we just started arguing.

So we thought a new baby might bring some love back

into the relationship, but it didn't work.

So we had a third baby.

Thought that might help, but that didn't work.

I think we had the last three just to spite each other.

Thankfully, we're too knackered to make any more.

The only way I could pregnant now is if Devon

fell into me the right way while I was having a nap.

For Christ's sake! Don't blame it on your children, darling.

Passion just fizzles out on its own.

Do you remember, Aaron, when we had the passion, darling,

before it all went away, darling?

Oh, certainly do, darling.

But then we replaced it with our passion for local politics.

A lot more rewarding, and a lot less wiping things down afterwards.

I mean, do I miss Aaron slipping off his Chinos

and plunging me into a world of flesh?

Sometimes.

There's something so much more exciting about power, raw power.

Keep talking.

Like when I had you close down that Italian restaurant

because the waiter wouldn't flirt with me.

Or when I denied Brenda next door planning permission...

..because... She had plastic butterflies on her house.

She had plastic butterflies on her house. Mm...

And that is the problem, you see? Yes.

Sexually, nothing turns us off

more than the thought of having sex.

But you get us talking about our abuse of official Council policy...

Mm!

..and we are a couple of very dirty Gerties.

Dirty Gerties.

Just a minute. Brad's suffering.

Yeah, in his past, made-up life,

he really let himself go. Just come on.

Very wise, Brad. Conserve your energy.

You're going to need it. Sandra's going to thoroughly grill you.

Emotionally. She can see the poison beneath the surface of

any relationship, and squeeze it out like a...

like an emotional blackhead. It's true.

I even did it with mine and Neil's.

We were together once, but, er,

then as we developed this therapy programme, I identified the reasons

as to why our marriage was utterly doomed.

Sandra has, erm, intimacy issues.

And Neil is needy and weak.

But we built this business with our life savings

so, like many of you, we are adrift in an ocean of love debt,

until one of us drowns.

Bleuh, bleuh, bleuh!

Angelina, can we leave now, please?!

No, we have to solve this case.

What's your rush? I've stepped on an ants' nest!

Oh! Please! Help me kill them!

Kill them all! Oh, Terry...

Angelina? Yeah? You didn't take this job

because you feel like we need counselling too, did you?

Oh, what are you like? Well...

..is that a yes or a no? Terry, they're on your...

They're on your face. Ow!

They're all over your face!

Get 'em!

Show 'em who's boss!

SHOUTS

So sad to see.

They really need this place. How many are there?!

So much anger.

Please!

Help me kill 'em! Kill 'em all!

Ow!

HORN BLASTS

Silence!

It's time to break you down, so you can truly see

the other person for who they are.

Have you chosen a soulmate to journey through life with,

or just given in and settled?

Now, we find out.

We're searching for truth here, guys,

in an exercise we call...

..A Shock to the System.

Ah... Oh! Brad has a bad feeling about this. Shut up!

Now, as with our other couples,

guys, we're going to share some truths between one another.

And if you don't like that truth,

you can administer a small electric shock to your partner.

How many volts are in the shock itself, Neil? Well, we hook it up to

a farmer's electric fence just through that forest there.

It's, um...solar-powered.

But with the advances in solar technology,

it can give quite a belt. It can, yes.

Suck it up! The pain of living a lie is worse.

Be grateful, guys, for this learning experience.

It will bring you both together.

Can I get a "yep"?

Yep. Yep. Oh, and Devon?

You're finally beginning to accept Beatrice's truth

about conceiving your youngest child

with another man,

in the car park of a Toby Carvery.

Yeah, I'm really starting to feel that processing going on now.

And I'm starting to forgive Emma for treating me like an accessory

to her influencer life. Yes, Darren, I accept it was my fault

you were able to give up work and sit on your backside!

There's no blame here, babes. Safe space, yeah?

OK, Brad, why don't you tell us the truth...

..about Angelina? Well, to tell you the truth,

she's the best thing that ever happened to me.

No complaints here. As a man, I am

satisfactorily punching well above my weight.

Come on, I can take it. Go on.

STUTTERS There is one thing,

though, that really makes me love Angelina.

She's very...task-oriented.

Mm, I think there's more.

Do you? Mm.

Let it flow, Brad.

Let it...flow.

Like, when she was so focused,

yeah, in getting us to this retreat,

that she completely ignored my plans for a lovely pre-wedding spa break.

SHOUTS

Yes! You're not even married yet?

Oh, my God, get out while you can!

Sorry, but it's true. I wish I'd married your sister!

Me too! Angelina, no holding back.

Give us your truth,

so we can hear your screams of relationship-affirming pain.

I love that bit! OK. And I mean this kindly,

but I think one of the things that endears me most about Brad

is that he can't stop going on about our bloody wedding!

Well, I can work on that.

Brad, do it! Do it.

It's awesome.

He wouldn't dare, to be honest.

Agghhh!

And we're off!

That was too far...

Gotcha!

Know what gets my loins moist? How Angelina disregards

every single little thing that I care about!

Agghhh!

What really turns me on is how Brad can whinge

to Olympic standards about absolutely nothing!

Ow! Well, Angelina breaks wind in her sleep,

and blames it on me! Oh!

I don't! Fry him! Light him up!

Don't be scared, Brad.

Time to ride the lightning, Brad!

ALL: Evil, evil, evil! Brad...cried...at...the...end...of

Mam...ma Mi...a!

Agh! OK, perhaps we'll leave it there.

Seems like a good time to call it a day. Really?

It was just getting good. We'll deliver food to your shelters.

There's an organic wild mushroom soup hand-picked by yours truly.

Or bacon sandwiches.

For those of you who enjoy eating the flesh of innocent animals.

Which, in turn, is strangling Mother Earth,

not that I'm here to lecture anyone about that.

Yet you always find a way. Come on, then, lovebirds.

Let's get you disconnected.

Agh! Oh, my God, that was amazing.

Was it? Yeah!

Look at us. Fully undercover.

Brad and Angelina, slagging each other off!

No-one suspects a thing. Oh!

Amazing!

So, I did well? Yeah.

I was a good boy? Yeah.

I think the electricity's made my teeth go soft. Aw!

OWL HOOTS

HYPERVENTILATING

WIND HOWLS

Gemma?

Gemma!

Oh...

It stinks. Is that you?

There's something outside.

Go and take a look, then, scaredy-pants.

You know, I think we're better off staying in the sleeping bags.

They'll protect us from predators and...monsters.

Fine!

I'll have a bloody look.

And if I see any monsters, I'll say you're in

your impregnable sleeping bag.

Agghhhh! Agh...!

Gary!

GROANING

Get out of the bag! Don't want to!

SHE GASPS Oh!

It's all right, it's all right.

He's definitely dead, bless him.

Mm. Yeah, but what's wrong with his face?

Bishop's Balls. I've never seen a pair, but if you think

there's a likeness...? It's a mushroom. Very poisonous.

They grow around here. He must have...I don't know,

accidentally slipped one into his mushroom soup.

I told him a hundred times this would happen. The idiot!

I don't mean to offend, Sandra,

but...this is pretty shocking... Mm.

..and you don't seem very upset.

Oh, no, I was, a minute ago. But then I used my advanced

therapeutic training to sort of speed up the grieving process.

I'm at peace with it now.

Is that possible, to speed up your feelings?

Yes. When my mother died, I was laughing with the firemen

before they'd even cut her out of the car. Ha-ha-ha!

Night-night!

Uh... What? Hang back a bit. We're going to look for clues.

Oh, please, not on his body!

Oh, my God, no. Have you seen him?! Ugh!

Right, what's over here?

Oh, Terry, it's a dump.

I think I've found something.

What's this?

Ah-ha!

Listen to this. "F and D having an affair. �2,000 paid.

"J stealing from B's mother.

"�3,000 paid.

"Y ran over cat.

"Blames neighbour. �5,000 paid."

Terry, these aren't just notes.

This is information he's gathered about the people

on the counselling course - he's using it to blackmail them.

People with deep pockets. �5,000. Is the cat going to live with him?!

Permanently? Keep your eyes peeled here, Terry.

There's people with secrets, and we're going to find out who.

I can't believe this. He's dead!

Dead, Darren! Focus, Emma!

Talk to me about your feelings.

Communicate. Don't tell me what to do!

All I want to do is post a picture of a feather,

and tell all my followers an angel just got his wings.

Think of the engagement I'd get! Come on, everyone.

Let's buck our spirits up.

Has a man accidentally poisoned himself to death with a mushroom?

Yes.

Is that a reason to dilly-dally?

No, it's not. No, now we need to notify the authorities.

Oh, there will be no refunds.

Apologies. Sorry, not sorry.

If you want to complete the therapy, you'll have to come back again.

But I can probably save you some money. Erm...

Darren, you're a parasite, mate.

Emma, get out now!

Beatrice and Cornwall... Devon.

Whatever. Take three kids each, swap them over at the weekends.

Um, Diane and Aaron...

I'm Aaron. Switch it in your mind, mate.

I haven't got time. Um...

You're both fixated on power,

and I can turn that into a sexual dynamic, but just not this weekend,

because I haven't brought my special gloves.

Angelina, you and Brad, er...

No, I have no words.

OK, that's it, then. Onwards.

Erm, is it not quicker to just go back?

Back?

Back? There is no back.

No, the Jeep is not meeting us till the last exercise tomorrow.

Can't we just call the Jeep and tell it to pick us up?

Uh, no. I've left my phone in the Jeep as well.

Feeling pretty stupid about that now,

and I'm trying not to think about it.

Let's go. I know the way.

I think. I do hope so, Sandra.

I've no sense of direction.

Aaron's lost me twice in Waitrose. Always finds me by the yoghurts.

But that's just me, isn't it, darling?

Only culture she's tolerant of.

Come on, everybody. Follow the stick.

I'm flying the flag at half mast, so keep your eyes on it.

Looks like someone's eaten something

that's disagreed with them.

I mean, the last time we had sex

was when he voted for Brexit.

It is good for business, darling...

..eventually. Honestly,

when we first met,

Aaron was so passionate.

All corduroy jackets with elbow patches.

There wasn't a march he wouldn't go on, like a sexy Jeremy Corbyn.

Darling, what happened to you?

You were all about the common man.

Yes, well, I was...

..but then I met him.

What, me?!

I'm not common. I'm...earthy.

HE SOBS Oh, here come the bloody tears!

What is it now? Death brings it so close to me how precious life is.

I miss the kids. All of them.

Even the one you had under my nose, and tried to pass off as mine.

Miss the kids?!

Even with the dead body, this is still

the best weekend we've had in years!

I'm a mother, Devon. I don't miss my kids.

I go away, recharge, then go back into battle with them.

Oh, we can't have kids.

At least, not until Emma signs a deal with a magazine

for the baby photo.

Babies don't just happen, Darren.

Remember the five-year plan.

Yeah! Emma's got a five-year plan.

The main part of the plan being, I'm not allowed

to make any decisions for the next five years.

Can we stop? Please!

My feet are killing me. Right, morale's flagging. We need a break.

Let's stop at the sweat lodges.

Maybe the heat will soothe your feet,

and get the weaker ones to SHUT UP!

You know who you are!

SIZZLING

Shame about Neil, isn't it? Indeed.

Although...as a therapist, he was atrocious.

Yeah. Goes without saying. Mm-hmm.

He told me that Beatrice's cheating was in response to

a lack of attention from me. Mm.

You try getting jiggy with it when you live in a house where

there's always at least one person with diarrhoea.

True. At all times, there's a little bit of diarrhoea on me somewhere.

Ha! Emma had diarrhoea once, right?

So she kept howling at me from the bathroom,

and I pretended to be out.

Still think about that every time I feel a bit sad.

It's what cheers me up a bit, do you know what I mean?

GROANING

So, Sandra, what was Neil like, then?

An absolute waste of space.

So clingy. I thought I could make him un-cling,

but...some men are just tragic little limpets, aren't they? Mm.

Yeah, yeah. Tell me about it.

And he was a terrible therapist.

You know, I mean, this place'll be much better off without him.

A hundred per cent.

I think Aaron will be happy when I pop off, if he even notices.

Neil helped Darren and I on our journey towards

Darren acknowledging I'm the most important,

and he's more of a background character,

you know, in his own life. Right.

I liked Neil. He really helped me see that

Devon basically made me have unprotected sex

in a Toby Carvery car park, and twice in the loading bay of a Lidl.

And a little something in the drive-through of the McDonalds,

but nothing to write home to Mother about.

NERVOUS LAUGH

Sandra...

Dear God...

Beatrice thinks she's going grey. Oh, is she, yeah? No!

Oh. Of course not! OK. Every night, when she's asleep, I stay awake,

and I dye a single hair of hers grey.

LAUGHTER Been doing it for years!

I'm thinking about poisoning Emma. Good. Yeah. Good.

What?!

I'm not. I'm not. No. No.

Have I had that thought?

Yeah, yeah. Obviously.

Would I do anything about it?

Obviously not! Very probably not, yeah.

Such a shame. Yeah.

It's just, for someone who gets thousands of likes,

she's not very likeable.

She's awful. Mm.

Is it not a bit hot? Nobody else?

SHE GASPS

I think I can feel a kidney popping out.

Oh, heat doesn't bother me. I did a whole season in Ibiza, darling.

Didn't need deodorant once.

But this is a...oh, it's a sexy heat.

Reminds me of making love to Galway Girl,

by Ed Sheeran, in a Swedish sauna.

Hands strumming on me as fast as Ed's on his teeny-tiny guitar.

Are you all right, Angelina? Huh?

Me? Yeah.

Just have to go home.

Mum says she's seen me smoking cigarettes with the older girls.

We've got a fainter!

I'll get the first-aid kit.

Give her some Calpol. It works on everything.

Angelina, stop sweating!

It's unattractive. Get her out!

Her hair! Get her by her hair.

Get out of the way!

Angelina's fainted. Don't panic.

SHOUTS Angelina?

She's with me! What?

GROANING

Angelina's fainted! Nobody panic!

No! Come on, Angelina.

Come back to me. Somebody help!

My legs have gone.

I've fallen into the fire.

I'll get her.

Come on, Angelina. What, what...?

Diana, my darling.

I apologise if it's not the right time to mention this,

but I am afraid...

..that I've been pierced.

Oh, my God!

Aaron! No!

Sorry, can I just say, I'm definitely not liable for this.

This was not a coincidence. Whoever did this must have poisoned Neil.

Oh, Aaron!

Darling. Are you missing the kids YET, Beatrice?!

And he's got one of those bow and arrow things,

like the one that woman invented in the Hunger Games.

Where are they shooting us from?

She's right. Somebody's watching us from over there.

Right, everybody, get behind the tent.

Sandra, come on, help me, please.

Grab her by the hair! It's the only way! No! I'm fine, I'm fine!

Oh! Oh! Run! Run! Run!

Ow! I told you we shouldn't

have come! Oh, now?

You want to do this now?

You know how reluctant your mum is to take the kids.

We've wasted this weekend. We could die here.

Oh, it'll be you that dies, won't it?

Leaving me with the children, always taking the easy option.

I'm not going. I am not leaving

Aaron here alone!

Diana, you're injured. Patch yourself up while you whinge.

I think Aaron would want you to come

with us, so we can keep you safe. Yeah?

I know Brad would want that, if the arrow had hit him,

piercing his heart, most probably both his lungs.

Nice sentiment. Bit technical.

Diana, come on, you can do this. Come on.

Yes, you're right. I'll grieve as we run.

If that's all right with everyone? Yeah.

OK, we're going to leg it down that pathway.

First, we're going to grab our essentials, OK? We're going to go

in three... Let's go! Go!

Come on! Come on, hurry up!

THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE

Come on!

Why are you in a mood? Cos when you said grab the essentials,

I thought you meant survival equipment. Yeah. Not clothes.

I mean, look at my back. Just...

I've got some stuff you borrow, Brad, but it's my night-time gear.

She's got night-time gear. Oh, great, night-time attire!

We're saved!

HE PANTS

New podcast entry.

As the disaster unfolds around us, Angelina,

one question - happy with our little escapade, are we?

Well, we've got two dead bodies.

And?

Literally everyone's a suspect.

And we could be where right now?

In a five-star hotel, planning our wedding.

But instead, we are...?

Stranded in the wilderness,

with a crossbow-wielding murderer, whose identity we don't yet know.

And I am currently...?

Say it, Angelina.

You're a "hot bitch".

So maybe we...?

Shouldn't have come at all.

What a breakthrough! Ha!

As long as we're on the same page.

I'm pretty sure it's that way.

No, I seem to remember it's that way.

But you know, don't trust me, darling.

Come to think of it, you're right. It's by those sycamores. This way!

You remember, Diana?

You've been here before?

Oh, yes. Four times.

Aaron just couldn't face a life where us getting divorced

might make him face a challenging re-election!

Diana's at stage six of grieving -

annoying the hell out of the rest of us.

So let's get a shift on!

We're nearly at base camp. I can radio for help,

and we never have to see her again.

Can you contact head office as well?

Head office? There is no head office.

It's just me and Neil. Or it was.

You said their head office contacted you about the death threats.

I know.

What if we've been set up?

I'll figure out what those initials on Neil's book mean if it kills us.

Us?! Be extra vigilant.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, because up to now, I've only been medium vigilant!

How silly of me! Nuh-nuh!

For God's sake, hurry up!

Do you want to be left all alone in this world like Diana?!

No.

DIANA SOBS

Count yourself lucky.

I think this is going to get very, very messy.

PHONE RINGS

Having fun? Oh, yeah.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Everything is going to work out perfectly.

Oh, thank God! This is it.

The final exercise.

Now, I know we're exposed. Just try to avoid getting shot, and run.

He can't kill us all!

THEY SHOUT

Oh! Brad's hit a mine!

You what?! Everybody, freeze! Oh!

Did you just say, "hit a mine"?

We call this exercise The Emotional Minefield,

but don't worry, it's metaphorical.

Oh, thank God!

POPPING

What the bloody hell's that?

Jesus Christ!

Ooh.

Oh!

In many ways, I'm not shocked at all.

It's the murderer. They've laid a trap for us.

Guys, my heart!

Why?!

We were so perfect together.

A new angel has got its wings. HE SOBS

All that's left are a few hundred thousand selfies.

Sandra, Gemma, I'm scared!

It'll be all right, Diana.

We're going to get us out of here.

Just keep still. This is rubbish!

This is supposed to be our

make-it-or-break-it weekend, Beatrice,

to decide if we want to stay together.

I do want to stay together.

I've realised that my love for the life we've built together

far outweighs the hate that I feel for you.

I'm so glad you said that!

I forgive you for all the affairs.

I don't care how many of the kids are actually mine.

I mean, I had a vasectomy after the fourth one,

so we probably need to have a conversation about that.

But...I was going to propose again.

A second marriage. You can do all of that. Just don't move!

See? Our counselling works!

Beatrice Smith... You don't have to do this now, Devon.

Just put it off, like you have been with the grouting in the bathroom.

I'll understand. Devon, no...

Will you marry me...one more time?

Of course I will!

Thank God!

CLICKING Bugger!

SHE SCREAMS

Will everyone stop moving?!

And exploding! I am meant to be being pampered right now,

in a hotel I can't afford.

But look at me! Look at me!

This is possibly THE worst day of my entire life.

I'm going to need more therapy after this than we needed when we arrived!

We're going to get Diana here out,

then I'll be back for you, my love, OK? Right, Diana...

..grab my hand.

We're just going to retrace my steps, OK?

Get you to safety. The mines...

Don't worry about them.

I've just figured out who the killer is.

Ah... Who is it, darling?

It's you.

Isn't it, darling? Uh...

Hmm?

I don't see what you think I could have done.

Lost, out here, in the wilderness?

Lost, are you? It's funny, cos you told us that

you always get lost in Waitrose, yet you seemed

pretty sure of your way back by those sycamore trees.

That was your first lie. Oh! That was just a lucky guess, darling.

I mean, I must have recognised it from last time. Oh, really?

You told us that you and Aaron hadn't had sex

since the Brexit referendum, then in the sweat lodge,

you told me that you enjoyed making love to Galway Girl.

Ha! And?! Well, I don't know much about politics, Diana,

I really don't, but I bloody know my stuff about Ed Sheeran,

and he released Galway Girl in 2017,

and that is after the Brexit referendum.

So, who's been strumming you like Ed's teeny-tiny guitar, then, hm?

"F and D are having an affair. �2,000 paid."

She must be the D! Yeah, exactly.

She's been strumming with an F.

Neil blackmailed you about your affair,

so you crept into his tent

and slipped some Bishop's Balls in his mouth. Hmm?

I bet if the police checked Neil's bank account,

they'd see it was you who paid the �2,000.

This is absolute nonsense. Oh, and as for poor Aaron...

You have no proof that I killed Aaron.

I wasn't even anywhere near him. Oh, but you were, weren't you?

You told us in the sweat lodge that heat doesn't affect you.

Then next thing we know, your legs have gone

and you've fallen in the fire. Oh, how convenient! I bet if we took

that bandage off your burnt arm,

we'd see that there was nothing wrong with it.

SHE GASPS

What a surprise!

You hid the weapon in advance, didn't you?

Because you've been here before, haven't you?

And you knew where to put it that no-one could find it.

Ugh!

Agh! Somebody help, my legs have gone!

I've fallen into the fire!

You think you're so clever, don't you?

Who are you to accuse me? Oh, I think you know exactly who I am.

Because she used your real name!

Sandra?

Gemma?

I'm scared.

I was about to say that!

That's how I figured the whole bloody thing out.

I can't believe it!

I've solved another murder. No, you haven't. I said it out loud first.

Shut up!

Yes, it was me.

No way?! I know your real name because

I listen to your podcast, you idiot!

You're our listener? Good to know our fan base is homicidal.

Yes, I've listened to every episode, and I thought,

"These two are a complete pair of morons." It's our brand.

IN WELSH ACCENT: I was even the Welsh woman who rang you

from head office. You're pretty cocky for someone

who's just got caught. Oh, I haven't been caught!

No! I am going to walk off

and disappear into the wilderness.

It may have slipped your mind,

but you are standing in a minefield,

and only I know where they're buried. And don't think

because you are standing up there that you are safe.

They're everywhere!

This was my last trap,

in case the crossbow failed, or the Bishop's Balls didn't work.

I really only wanted to kill Aaron and Neil,

but I needed a back-up. Just in case.

Aw! It's been nice knowing you.

Forgive me if I don't keep in touch, though, won't you?

Terry...

Agghhhh!

SHE SCREAMS

THEY ALL SCREAM

That was for Neil!

Aw! Because you actually really loved him, and it was his death

that made you see that?

No, because he was mine!

Mine to belittle and destroy!

And SHE took that away from me!

I see your point.

Right, we're going to have to flag down the next car.

Hello?

The bomb squad were nice when they got you out of there, weren't they?

Mm. Yeah.

Gave me a lollipop for being a brave boy.

You WERE a brave boy. Brad and Angelina. Gemma and Terry.

I just wanted to say... No, you don't have to thank us.

No, I was going to say that you two are

the worst couple we have ever, ever had.

Here's your phones back. Thanks.

There we go.

And all the best.

She did mean Brad and Angelina, didn't she? Yeah.

What a pair they are! Oh! Tell me...

Jokers! Losers!

Losers. Yeah. Destined to be unhappy forever.

Has-beens!

There is one thing still bothering me, though. Hmm?

When I was looking up the hill at the sweat lodge,

I'm certain I saw someone in them woods.

I doubt it. You were probably hallucinating from the heat.

Yeah.

Most likely that. Anyway, come on, you.

Let's get you to that hotel for a therapeutic mud bath

and an essential oils facial.

Keep talking. All right.

So, then we might take a quick little walk down the aisle,

and you might bag yourself a wife.

So, after the worst day of my entire life,

we walk off into the sunset and get married.

SHE SQUEALS

Who knows what terrors await us

at our five-star hotel?

With spa, conferencing centre

and banqueting facilities.

PHONE RINGS

So, can I get in there now?

Ruin their lives?

Like you promised. Oh, yes.

I think we've found the perfect time for it.

This is going to be epic!

# I'm on my way

# Driving at 90

# Down those country lanes

# Singing to Tiny Dancer

# And I miss the way

# You make me feel

# It's real, when we watched the sunset... #

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