Original subtitles

[Upbeat music]

[Watkins whistling]

Please, I was just hitch hiking! Why are you doing this?

There's blood coming out of my ear!

You'll spin all the blood out of my head! I'll die!!

Yeah, I'm afraid you will.

But look on the bright side, at least you'll be famous.

I don't wanna be famous! I want to live!

Well, you know, maybe being a little bit famous

would be nice.

Peter Andre famous. Enough to get a free nandos.

That's the spirit. Scream if you wanna go faster!

- No! No! - Scream as loud as you can.

- It's music to my ears, boy! - No!

- Scream! - [Craig screaming]

- [Watkins laughing] - No!

[Upbeat music]

- [Birds chirping] - [Dramatic music]

Seconds anyone?

Oh, no more for me, Monica, thanks. I'm full to bursting.

I've got to go to work after this.

Having to work the weekend.

They're making you work the weekend?

Oh, don't ask her, Terry, that's what she wants.

I'm currently on a task force

investigating a triple murder, Terry.

Oh.

That's why we work the weekend, to save lives.

- Hmm. - And what's the biggest case

in your little private investigation agency, Gemma?

- Gnomes. - Sorry? What was that?

- Gnomes. Alright? - Yes.

And we solved it actually. Case closed.

It was quite interesting really.

- Yeah. - Oh.

Well they weren't stealing them,

they were just rearranging them into explicit poses

- in the night. - Oh.

- Explicit, how? - Freddie, shush.

Well, one were bent over, one had a fishing rod.

- Terry, shush. - Oh ho, that takes me back.

We've not done it like that since Obama got in.

Freddie! Will you please shush.

Well then we got the dog and

Vicky said it was insulting it.

You know, because we were mirroring its sex life,

even though we'd had its equipment lopped off.

Freddie!

You had a point though, didn't you?

He used to watch us with a weird look in his eye,

encouraging me on,

you know, 'cause I was doing what he could do no longer.

Freddie, I don't think your sisters want to know

- about our sex life. - We do.

- We do. - Do we?

Vicky sends me upstairs and I exfoliate my whole body

'til I'm perfectly clean, and then she comes up,

inspects me, and if I don't meet her standard,

I've got to go and stand in the wardrobe for ten minutes,

'cause I've let her down.

You know, normal.

- Freddie, enough! - Let him speak.

Gemma, while you've been busy looking at

copulating little magical people, in the real police force

we've had bodies found, in grassington, kettlewell,

and another one in aysgarth last night.

Do you want me to wrap you up some beef, Vicky?

In case you end up in a stand-off with the killers.

Be nice to have a beef sandwich

if the snipers get stuck in traffic.

Yeah?

Hubberholme.

What?

It's number three on the tour.

- What tour? - Every tour.

Well every tour at Yorkshire dales.

Grassington, kettlewell, hubberholme and aysgarth.

Then there's literally dozens after that.

It's the perennial pensioners favourite.

An entire county echoing with the sounds of complaints

delivered through poorly fitted teeth.

- Oh. - Did you hear that, Gemma?

The force is missing an investigative genius.

Oh.

I'll have to bring you into the situation room with me.

What, now?

Monica's got spotted dick and custard for pudding.

She's being sarcastic, Terry.

Oh.

You run along to your murders, Vicky,

which by the way she hasn't solved.

We're um, working today as well, aren't we?

- Yeah. - Well...

Going undercover actually. Yeah.

[Soft music]

Hi...

Just be cool. Just be cool.

Puppies aren't stealing themselves from this pet shop.

If you see a puppy-napper, just bark.

But what if they throw a ball, Gemma? I'm a dog now.

I owe it to my newly adopted species to run after it.

Look, I know it's not the most glamorous job

we've ever done,

but a few more of these, well a lot more of these,

we can get out of my sister's place, pay for the wedding.

I love that you're excited about the wedding.

- Ah ha. - Come here, give us a kiss...

- Aw. - And maybe a rub of my tummy.

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh Terry.

I can't see, yeah, right, which way are you going?

- Just go to the left. - What? Your left or mine?

[Suspenseful music]

- [Man] Help! Please help! - [Man screaming]

[Watkins] Shush now, I'll be with you in a second.

[Knocking on door]

Still no news, chief inspector.

- Oh. - The victims weren't friends,

they worked in different places.

They had no past relationships

that would connect them in any way.

Okay, okay.

Might we just get lucky and he might get bored and give up?

- Yeah. - [Vicky laughs]

- No, I don't think so ma'am. - Right. Shame.

You see, that's the trouble with serial killers, isn't it?

They just never seem to know enough's enough.

- We've got another body. - Oh!

Hubberholme.

- Hubberholme. - What?

It's number three on the tour.

Oh god, no! Thanks Marcus.

Do you know what I think, sergeant?

I think any connection at the moment would be a great help.

I mean, nobody told me this job would be so difficult.

Criminals don't seem to want to be caught these days.

Scenic coach tours, chief inspector.

Oh, great idea. I would bloody love one.

- Get me out of this mess. - No, the locations.

They're along the routes of the Yorkshire dales coach tours.

They start in grassington, then kettlewell,

hubberholme, aysgarth and then onwards from there.

Oh! Fantastic!

Finally a connection. Well done, sausage.

So er, where are they going next?

Well, um, that information, it came from a source.

Oh, an informant! Ooh, bring them in.

- I bloody love an informant. - Yes ma'am.

There's something sexy about them, isn't there?

A cloaked figure nestled in a world of darkness,

reaching out to us to put things right.

Oh, I bet he's a right swarthy charmer, eh?

Look at yourselves!

You could have at least taken your heads off.

Well we can't, they're sewn into the costumes.

It's either this or vest and knickers I'm afraid.

Anyway, you're the one who asked for our expert knowledge.

So you're our experts then? Nice outfits.

I'm actually part of a club

where we dress up in something similar.

Have a few drinks, hmm, see what happens.

It's not a sex thing.

Right. We'll say no more about it then.

This is Terry bremmer, everybody.

I'm his fiancee, Gemma. Hi.

Right.

Victim number one. Found in grassington.

Spun to death of a waltzer.

- [Craig screaming] - [Watkins laughinf]

Victim number two in kettlewell.

Tied to a windscreen, then flayed alive,

took all the skin of his skull.

- [Man screaming] - [Watkins laughs]

Number three. Crushed between the doors,

aysgarth monastery.

- [Metallic door banging] - [Watkins laughing]

And our fourth unlucky chap was found in the foghorn

at foggerty falls foghorn museum.

Smack bang in the middle of hubberholme.

- [Horn hooting] - [Watkins laughing]

And er, that's all we've got so far.

So er, just relax, tell us what you know

and remember that lives are at stake

and it's all down to you, go!

What, me? No!

Hello.

[Speakers tinning]

Well, um, it's just that I noticed that these four places

are the first four stops

for dozens of coach tours around the Yorkshire dales.

And you're going to tell us

where the fifth location is, aren't you?

- No. - No?

What do you mean, no? Then what is the point of you?

I...

I've got an idea, shove over. Right.

Now, from these four points

there's only a limited amount of tours

that you could be part of.

Yeah? So our fellah is either part of the tourist industry

or he's got a grudge against people in the tourist industry.

Ma'am, he's on the phone! Our boy.

Knows details of the killings we haven't made public.

Right. You talk to him, you're the expert.

Nice outfit. There's actually a few of us that get...

- No. - Okay.

Leave it, he's not one of us. Right, put the call through.

So, keep him on the line for as long as you can.

Oh, and quick reminder, innocent lives are depending on you,

but no pressure.

[Suspenseful music]

Hiya.

Hi, are you alright?

Hey, I'm more than alright, mr policeman.

I'm just tickety boo.

So, are you er, calling about another murder,

or just a general chit-chat?

Oh, I just thought I'd check in,

see how badly you're doing at catching me.

We found the hubberholme body.

Been there for a while, hadn't they?

Oh aye. You are terribly out of sequence.

So, aysgarth, where are we going next?

I mean, either way you look at it,

you've got to be on the a684.

But then you'd get stuck in...

[Both] The one way system next to the pie shop.

[Suspenseful music]

So you know your pie shops then?

It has been said, yeah.

Bloody hell, it's Terry bremmer!

You're too late to save this one, sadly.

But don't worry, there'll be more. Much, much more.

Yeah, well maybe there will, or maybe there won't.

Or maybe we'll catch you before the next one.

And then the only pie shop you'll be visiting, my friend,

is the one...

In prison.

They've got pie shops in prison?

No.

Well no, what I meant was like,

you will probably be arrested.

Oh, "probably".

By the time this is over, you will eat your words. Bye now.

No, look, mate, listen, hang on...

- Couldn't trace him ma'am. - Oh!

"Eat my words." "Eat my w-words."

Gemma, I am going to eat my words.

Sorry, are you admitting defeat?

Only I was thinking of admitting defeat,

so if you want to go first, I'd be bang up for that.

- Gemma... - I don't...

You used to say it. But only when we were passing...

Oh my god! Albert dickensthwaite!

Right! We have a name, get him arrested.

Oh, I knew we could do it. Well done everyone.

I'm off for a gin, anyone else?

Any gin? Good stuff, she's happy this time.

- Wow! - No, no no no. Dickensthwaite

was a foundry owner in the 1800s.

Oh.

He was one of those victorian eccentrics

who believed that you could absorb intelligence

through your stomach.

So every day he'd eat a book for dinner.

Yeah, until he died of ink poisoning.

There's a statue of him in shelmondbury,

right, with him holding the last bell that was ever made

at the foundry.

But, whenever we passed through,

Gemma always got to say to the passengers...

I guess Albert really did eat his own words.

Ha, it's one of my favourite jokes.

And did the passengers laugh?

Oh yeah.

Right, well you heard the man. We're off to shelmondbury!

- You're coming too. - Ooh, yes! Another victim!

[Soft music]

Time for the sniffer dogs is it ma'am?

Oh, very funny.

Nice outfit. There's a few of us get together...

Get out!

Right, shall we er, examine the body then?

[Bell dings]

Now that is a bloody big bell.

It goes ding, ding, ding.

[Watkins whistling]

Oh, the cheeky little sod.

He's doing the "wheels on the bus!"

The song?

"The wheels on the bus go round and round..."

[Man screaming]

"The wipers on the bus go swish swish swish..."

[Watkins laughs]

"The horn on the bus goes beep beep beep..."

[Watkins laughs]

And the doors on the bus, Gemma, open and close.

[Metallic door creaking]

And now "the bell on the bus goes..."

"Ding, ding, ding."

He's killing people according to the verses of the song.

And he's using a coach tour map. Your boy is a coach driver.

Uh? Is that a lead?

If he's a coach driver,

we could help you further if you like?

We were part of that world for years,

they know us, they trust us.

- We could go undercover. - Can we?

I mean, look at us. We've got experience.

That would be great.

Oh, just knowing that you two are prepared to take the blame

when this all goes tits-up.

Oh, I mean I know it's not normal, but what else can I do?

You two are my last resort. Ha.

Did you hear that Terry? We're a last resort.

That means they need us.

Yeh!

[Upbeat music]

[Soft music]

Hey, I've found half a sausage roll in my pocket.

- Don't eat it. - I wasn't gonna.

Oh, right. Back on a coach.

I know we thought we'd left the coach life behind,

and it's gonna be awful, but we can get through it.

- Oh, are you ready? - Yeah.

The smell of diesel, life on the open road,

shouting at road workers.

Back to the good old days.

The good old days?

I thought these were the good old days,

well the good new days.

Are these new days not the good new days?

Sorry, I got confused.

When we had money and job security.

- Hmm. - Awful times.

We realise you can't be a coach operator without a coach,

so er, we rustled something up for you.

I hope it's suitable.

[Upbeat music]

- Marcus, keys. - There you go, cowboy.

And you'll be happy to know I'm sending

a qualified police officer to go with you.

No...

No!

- Are you enjoying yourself? - Yeah.

Makes me think you might want to go back to it.

Yeah, no. No, no.

Just so we're clear, you're not my sister-in-law any more,

or a police officer, you're my employee.

Gemma, I've done undercover work before.

It's all about living the character.

Well if you can find it in yourself

to "live" the character of my subordinate on a tour bus,

you can make me a coffee.

That's really not how it works.

Subordinate! Coffee!

This is my world, Vicky. You're a tour guide now.

So it's dry shampoo 'til it looks manageable

and wet wipes on your stinky bits.

Are you liking your new coach then?

It's having its moments.

[Gentle music]

Is this your plan, to just hang around a services?

Are we gonna talk an old man

into buying us cigarettes as well?

Oh Vicky, for a supposed investigator,

you've got a lot to learn.

There's a place, a secret place,

a place that I thought we'd sworn never to go back to.

Terry, you ready?

- Oh yeah. - [Gemma sighs]

[Knocking on door]

Hiya.

This is the special place.

[Upbeat music]

This is the tour operators' lounge.

Ever wondered where we go when you stop for a comfort break?

Right here.

Some would say it's a sacred temple of the road.

Now just blend in.

I've formed a very close, special bond with these people.

Hi.

Oh, look who it is. Miss high and mighty Gemma draper.

Hmm, cheeky, filthy madam.

Yeah, she is cheeky. And filthy.

Close special bond is it?

Who's this?

Oh, this is Vicky. Our trainee.

Ooh, she's got a trainee now has she?

She's not expensive.

Failed her exams, then her boyfriend left her.

She tried to train as a beautician, but as you can see,

she's not got the face for it.

Yes, I see what you mean. No pride in her looks.

- Alright? - Alright?

- Alright? - Hiya.

So, what's the goss in the tour community then?

The bottom fell out of our chemical toilet, but it's fine.

- My Tony fixed it. - Just left the hole.

Turns out the old folk like to feel the breeze

on their bits.

Sometimes you can hear them whooping

like they're on a roller-coaster.

We're doing a new tour, Botox, detox and goldilocks.

It's like a mobile spa, but we read you a story at the end.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, they're all the rage, the rhyming titles.

I'm doing 'mums, bums and tums'.

"Exercise while we drive.

Work your pelvic floors as we cross the moors."

We tried doing the gammon, salmon and famine tour,

but by the time they'd had the gammon and the salmon,

people said the famine museum was in poor taste.

The big news is, the roadworks on the a346.

Ooh, yeah, they reckon they've done them properly,

but there's no way you can get a coach through them.

- Aye. - Roadworks eh?

Bloody hell! Stop the press!

Doesn't affect me. I've hated that road since it opened.

I prefer the old fashioned routes.

So, it weren't nothing more about murder.

The only thing they've killed is the art of conversation.

You're both utterly useless. Right, I'm taking charge.

You can't.

I'm going into character. Watch and learn.

- Vicky, wait! - Let her go, Terry.

Let her go. This is gonna be brilliant.

O m to the g.

I don't know about you girls, but I'm all coached out.

Oh, I'll tell you what goss I've heard.

Apparently there's been people killing people.

Ain't that mad, ain't that just mad!

And I think someone should do something about it,

for the good of everyone else.

But that's just me, that's what I think.

Sometimes you just have to accuse people

of doing something for the common good,

- do you know what I mean? - No.

Yeah you do.

Having a private meeting, are we?

Those lot might have their little bits of gossip,

but the real news is the murders.

Oh, terrible aren't they? Everyone's talking about them.

Oh, who's talking that talk?

Would you have a list, maybe a detailed description?

Oh yes.

One suspect, devilishly handsome,

charm oozing from every pore.

It's me. I'm the murderer.

"I'm the one responsible for the five deaths, Clarice."

Give over Willy! You're the sanest coach driver we know.

If you're the murderer, we're all in trouble.

I just hope they catch him quickly.

I'm supposed to be driving tomorrow,

and er, I don't really wanna be on the road

with a murderer knocking about.

Those mums, bums and tums will be clenching extra tight, eh.

Hmm.

Ooh, a song. Let's sing a song, yeah.

I think this one's got too many miles on her, Gemma.

And see how it makes us feel

and what actions it might make us feel like taking.

I'll start.

? The wheels on the bus go round and round ?

? round and round, round and round ?

? the wheels on the bus go round and round ?

right, we've got to go. It's lovely to see you all.

Catch up soon, yeah.

Anybody feeling anything yet? Anything murderous yeah?

? All day long ?

? the wheels on the bus go round and round ?

what the hell was that?

I was singing the song to see if anyone reacted to it.

Everyone reacted to it, Vicky!

Well somebody had to do something.

We haven't found out anything!

Well yes, we have Vicky. The a346 is unpassable by coach.

That means you can't get to the twydle tweed tea shop

or the todmorden bun museum.

So that's four more tours

we can cross off our list of possibles.

Five tours actually, Terry.

You also can't get to the old sandgate asylum.

Although after that little stunt,

we might wanna think about dropping Vicky off there.

Hmm?

[Dramatic music]

[Reporter] Morning campers, it's a new dawn and a new day.

Don't forget, we've got murders all across the dales,

so you be careful out there.

When I see Vicky today, she is getting it.

This is my collar.

We don't need some rookie coming in

and screwing this operation up for us.

When I say jump, she should say, "how can I jump?"

Is, is that how it goes?

Glad to see power's not gone to your head.

[Phone ringing]

Unknown number.

Well, well, well.

Word on the coach tour circuit is that

you certainly seemed to have fun at the old members lounge.

Eh Terry?

- It's him! - What?

- And he knows my name! - Put it on speaker.

I thought I'd give you a fighting chance for this one.

The victim is still alive. For now.

Please help!

Now now, remember your part. Like we practised.

? The babies on the bus go ?

argh, wah! Wah! Wah!

Good boy. Here, have a rusk.

Thank you.

You say you're giving us a fighting chance,

at least tell us where he is!

Oh Terry, talking to you sometimes is absolute agony.

But I'll tell you this, whoever finds him

is gonna be more miserable than they've ever been before.

[Phone beeping]

Right, let's think about what he said.

- Talking to me was agony. - Yeah.

"Agony."

Get me the map.

[Glass shatters]

Gemma, I just wanted to look at it.

Right. The last body was found at shelmondbury.

[Gemma] Ah ha.

We know the a346 isn't passable by coach.

So he's either going to kirkby Steven,

millthrop or garsdale.

Well they're all tour stops.

And he said, "whoever finds the victim

is gonna be more miserable than they've ever been before."

Oh my god! I just figured it out.

Terry, I've actually stepped inside the mind of the killer.

Well quickly Gemma, step back out

and tell me what you're thinking!

- Margaret the misery. - [Man screaming]

The most feared museum manager in all the dales.

Yep.

Fairfield mill torture museum!

Right.

Quick, call henrietta, they can get there quicker than us.

Well come on.

- [Siren wailing] - [Suspenseful music]

Of course! "The babies on the bus."

Please, can you make sure you tell my wife

he dressed me like this!

Fair enough.

- We should untie him. - No!

Sorry to be rude, it's just he's got me stretched out here,

but if you release the tension, that axe up there,

it'll drop and cut me in two.

Don't panic, we are trained professionals.

Please just try to be calm and we'll pop you off in a jiffy.

I'm just gonna tighten this rope slightly.

[Barry screams]

- [Blood spurting] - [Suspenseful music]

That's the second person I've cut in half this year.

Oh, I'm afraid we got here too late. The trap went off.

And you just found him cut in half?

We did find him, yes, we definitely found him.

There was just nothing we could do to help.

She's right, we did nothing to help.

Oh, I mean it's all part of the job,

but it never gets any easier.

Don't touch me. So er, where next, Terry?

I mean, we must be right behind him by now, surely? Yes?

From Fairfield mill, where to go? Where to go?

Well these days there's only one place you can go.

- Terry's most hated place. - Oh god Gemma, no.

White scar caves.

Imagine darkness. The darkest darkness.

Well it's like that with a gift shop.

Terry won't go in, he's afraid of the dark.

Right, let's get a team to white scar caves.

Terry's not coming. He's a coward.

Just so you know, i'm not afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the tour guide there.

She caresses me in the gloom.

[Willy whistling]

There's got to be more. A connection.

What's the next verse in that song?

After the babies on the bus? Um, it's... [hums]

The mummies on the bus.

- Do you mean the mums? - [Women groaning]

[Willy whistles]

- Oh god! With their bums... - And tums.

Sorry, you've lost me.

Willy's the one we're after!

He's got a coach load of mums, just like in the song.

And he actually told us he was the murderer.

- Yeah. - Pardon?

- Nothing. Let's get moving. - Let's go!

We'll follow you in the coach.

Are you sure? It's much slower.

I know, but I really like driving it.

What?

Terry! Focus. We're hunting a killer, it'll take ages!

Oh Gemma, please. Please, please, please?

Fine!

Your call. Right, we'll see you at the caves.

And can we just get this bugger caught,

because this whole thing

is really starting to do my tits in.

[Siren wails]

We did it Terry,

a whole police department couldn't solve this case

and we did it.

Remind me to take those exact same words to Vicky

when I see her.

The big news is, the roadworks on the a346.

I've hated that road since it opened.

Bugger!

You alright?

Gem, we may have made the tiniest of minor errors.

What?

Have you taken a wrong turn in your super sweet space coach?

Ha ha, yeah.

No, but also, there is a chance

we might have sent the police to the wrong place.

- Where the murderer, isn't. - We've done what?

It's something Willy said the other day.

I prefer the old-fashioned routes.

The caves are on the a19

and Willy wouldn't use that road either.

And the old-fashioned route doesn't go to the caves.

Where does it go?!

Dead man's drop.

[Soft music]

[Singers chanting]

[Siren wails]

- Well, he's not here. - What?

Oh we've dropped a right bollock here.

How are we going to tell henrietta?

Well, I'm gonna do what I've done

every other time we've dropped a bollock, blag it.

- [Phone ringing] - Yes?

Henrietta? Hi babes.

Yeah, tiny change of plan.

So Terry's had a bit of a brainwave,

so Watkins is a traditionalist.

He doesn't like new roads.

So Terry's cleverly deduced that he's at dead man's drop.

Dead, dead man's drop? That's miles away from here.

You're closer than we are.

- Don't touch me. - I know, I know.

- We're turning round now. - Right, okay.

Look, I'm supposed to say if you find him,

don't put yourself in harm's way,

but you know, maybe weigh things up.

Have a pop. God loves a trier.

Go.

[Siren wails]

Alright, bye then!

[Upbeat music]

Well, I hope you've enjoyed your day out

with Willy's wonder tours.

And as an additional treat,

in a moment you are going to roll off this cliff

and plummet to your death.

So, if you've got any feedback

and wanna fill in the comment card, please do it quickly.

No need to mention this on trip adviser.

And so the final piece fits exactly into place,

for what is a spectacle without an audience?

[Orchestral music]

You might wanna stop right there.

See this wire? It's attached to the brakes.

One tug and all the mummies on the bus

most certainly will be shush shush shushed.

Permanently.

Willy, please stop.

These are innocent people, they don't deserve to die!

No, trust you just to see things at face value.

It's not the bodies, it's what they represent.

What, the lyrics to "wheels on the bus?"

It's just a nursery rhyme.

To you maybe. But not to people like me and Terry.

Hearing it day in, day out for over thirty years.

I used to be a normal coach driver, me,

just like all the others.

High cholesterol and a broken marriage,

but the endless sing-songs, over and over!

They drill inside your mind.

They make you stray from the duel carriageway of decency

and take the diversion to bloody madness!

I've been pretending to be a scotsman!

He's right.

- It gets in your soul, gem. - What?

You're trying to stop them singing that song, aren't you?

Jackpot! Mothers will tell their children

that it's bad luck,

because if people sing the song, people die!

And I will be a hero to all the coach drivers.

There'll be a statue of me on every forecourt

in every service station up and down the land.

That song plays in my head every night

when I'm trying to get to sleep.

One tug of this wire, the brakes come off

and you will be free of it.

It sounds amazing.

What, are you agreeing with him?

We should be stopping people like him!

I'm afraid Terry's with me.

Bye girls!

[Women screaming]

I'll keep that song in my head thanks.

You're not killing all those people!

Terry, no!

Yes Terry!

Join them! Join them!

Don't! You'll go over with them!

[Women screaming]

No!

Yes! Yes!

[Watkins laughing]

[Bus beeping]

[Soft music]

Terry!

Yes!

- [Siren wailing] - [Soft music]

Right, let's go.

Are you quite mad? He is a murderer!

No no, I shall stay here, thank you.

Make sure you lock that door when you shut it behind you.

You cut him off, i'm gonna kick his head in.

God, I love this job.

Oh, someone's been a naughty boy.

- I'm not resisting arrest. - I didn't hear!

Hello? Is that the gazette?

Yes, it's chief inspector henrietta Shepherd calling.

We've caught the killer. Yes, I'm arresting him right now.

And I must say, i'm being very brave.

Willy Watkins, you're nicked son.

Oh, that's the best bit. I love it when she does that bit.

[Women gagging]

He's my fiancee.

Oh, you were so brave!

- Oh... - I can't believe that.

Oh yes, yes, sorry, I need to get you untied, yeah.

That's much more important. Ooh!

[Soft music]

The funny thing is, you lot think it's all over.

Oh, it is over for you, my friend.

We are gonna lock you up and throw away the key, yeah.

Well, I mean we're not, we're not gonna throw away the key.

The keys are really expensive, did you know that?

But what I'm saying is, we're not gonna need the keys

for a very long time because you will be locked in the cell.

Yeah, be as smug as you like, copper,

there's a lot more bodies to find.

And a lot more songs to be sung.

"If you go down to the woods today,

you're in for a big surprise."

What are you on about now?

I've killed more people. They're in the woods.

Did you do any training?

You know, when I thought you'd gone off that cliff before,

I was proper gutted.

- Gutted? - Ah ha.

Just gutted?

Not heart-broken or devastated,

to the point where you thought you'd never find love again?

Oh I'd find love again, I wasn't worried about that.

Probably with a younger, athletic man

who ravishes me every day.

What, full-on ravish, or just a quickie

where we leave most of our pjs on?

- Oh, fully ravished. - Poor bugger.

[Gemma chuckles]

Do you know, when I looked at you,

you seemed to be loving driving the coach today.

Are you sure you don't want to go back to it?

I never wanna get on a coach again.

There's something about almost plummeting off of a cliff

that really puts you off.

Just, sometimes I think you're only going along

with all this detective agency thing to make me happy.

At first, yeah.

Now, as long as all of our cases

are based on the routes of old coach trips,

- we could make a fortune. - Yeah.

- Oh god! - Do you mind? We're in bed!

Well, sofa bed, but it still says bed in the title.

The chief inspector's told me to tell you

that she really can't thank the both of you enough.

And on a personal note,

I suppose I have to say thanks as well.

Aw, nearly made you sick saying that, didn't it?

Yes. Yes it did.

The chief inspector also added that with a bit of training

there could be a place on the force for a pair like you.

And on a further personal note, I disagree with that.

Well, tell her thank you.

That's very kind, but you know, we like to,

to tread our own path.

Sure, it's a tricky path, fraught with danger,

but there's a whole world out there that needs our help.

And we're gonna give them that help.

Not by sticking to the rule book, oh no,

but by playing hard and fast, two mavericks

fighting the fight on behalf of the little people!

What, the gnomes? Are we going back to the gnomes?

But don't worry, if you ever need us,

in fact let's just say next time you need us,

just give us a call and we'll be there.

Except on Tuesday nights. That's when Gemma's got zumba.

Terry!

Did I ruin it?

- I ruined it, didn't I? - [Gemma sighs]

[Soft music]

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