Original subtitles

[Wind whistling]

[Gentle calming music]

[Electricity buzzes]

[Upbeat suspenseful music]

[Soft suspenseful music]

[Objects pouring]

[Upbeat dramatic music]

Two households, both alike in dignity,

in fair lancashire, where we lay our scene,

from ancient grudge break to new mutiny,

where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

[Clothe rustles]

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

It's a load of old crap, innit? "Romeo and Juliet?"

If I wanna watch a couple of teenagers

have a fallout with their parents,

I'll just watch "hollyoaks."

Yeah, it's really overrated, Shakespeare.

They all harp on about him,

but it's hardly 'death in paradise'.

Now that is an hard-hitting drama.

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Can someone have a look at this balcony?

- [Balcony wobbling] - It's wobbly.

It had better not wobble on the night.

Can we find which of the volunteers

built this and sack them?

Is she not a bit old to be playing, Juliet?

If she can't see wherefore art her Romeo is,

she should put her distance glasses on.

This is mild. A few years back she was Annie.

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.

Thou at thyself, will not aim unto you.

- Sam! - [Door opens]

- [Door slams] - Sam! Sam!

And what does her majesty request this time?

An ice swan in your dressing room?

Sam, I cannot give a satisfactory Juliet

if I'm offering it from a loose box.

- Who could, dear. - [Bernard groaning]

Oh, my sides, they're burning.

- He's good. - [Bernard groaning]

- Bernard. - I've been poisoned!

[Bernard groaning]

Bernard, your character doesn't die. Does he?

Hang on, he's not mucking about.

No, he's inhabiting the character.

But you'd have a bigger part

if you hadn't done such a bloody awful audition.

This is amateur dramatics, be professional.

Ignore her, Bernard, your audition was fine, as was mine.

I'd be Romeo if this talentless idiot's dad

wasn't sponsoring the play.

Right, how can I be talentless, Sam,

if I get the lead in every play that my dad sponsors, hmm?

It's all right, everyone, I'm a nurse, I can help.

Yeah, you're just playing a nurse, Stacey.

Stop being so method, you work in a chip shop!

- [Bernard groans] - [Stomach rumbling]

You are brilliant!

[Bernard groans]

You'd better call an ambulance.

[Bernard groans]

I really think he's been poisoned.

Everybody just be calm, there's no need for drama.

[Bernard collapses and thuds]

- There's been a murder! - [Upbeat twinkly music]

[Door bangs]

[Bernard grunting]

The victim is 52 years old, male,

- no known enemies. - [Bernard groaning]

The poison seems to have caused some digestive distress,

'cause he's emptied himself, twice.

She's right, cleaners back there in tears.

Monica said that two bakeries provided the backstage food.

Looks like one of them served up poisoned goods.

I'm the actual copper here, Gemma.

I say those things, thank you!

[Car breaks screech]

- [Car doors slam] - Well, well, well,

the day has finally come, mr Montgomery,

that your baking has killed someone!

Don't you dare accuse me, caplan!

Must have been one of your manky brownies!

Montgomery's your poisoner!

All right, let's keep things friendly.

Accusations like that

will lead to a very painful end for you, caplan!

Oh, is that right?

Come on son, I will roll you out flat!

Right.

Looks like he's brought a spoon to a rolling pin fight.

Ooh, I've got fourteen inches of solid, British elm.

Is that elm? It looks like ash to me.

Well, it might be ash.

There's an inspector morse episode about this, "am dram."

We could be watching it.

What you on about?

You said that I should learn all I could

about investigative methodology.

- Yeah. - So I have,

been watching box sets while you're at hot yoga.

Do you want this!? Oh yeah?

Go on, I dare you!

- Yeah, yeah! - Do you?! Yeah?!

Yeah!

Gentlemen, please, I'm asking you

to behave like calm, rational bakers.

- Dad! - Dad!

Leave it, he's not worth it.

Dad, no rolling pins in public, come on.

I'm trusting you two to take your dads home.

If there's an actual crime here,

the police will do what we do best.

We'll get round to it.

Get round to it?

Listen, it's quite straightforward,

arrest him and close his bakery.

Oh, hold me back, hold me back.

- Can you smell that? - Yeah, bullsh.

No, money.

[Gentle twinkly music]

Gentlemen, hi, hi, hi.

We might be able to help you with your little problem.

This might be the time for you to engage in the services

of the north's most underrated investigators.

She's right, we've been rated very badly

by a lot of people.

This sounds like industrial espionage and you're in luck,

'cause that's something in which we are experts,

says so on our website.

- Does it? - Well, it will do by morning.

All right, fine, meet me at bakery

first thing tomorrow morning

and we'll get to the bottom of how he done this!

Oh, hang on a minute!

If you're working for him, you'll be biassed against me,

I'm not having that.

I'm hiring you too, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

- See 'em, cappy. - I'm not sure

if it's ethical investigating your own client.

Oh ethical smethical!

Two cases in one day, Terry, jackpot!

And if we're really lucky,

this whole thing is gonna get a lot worse...

[Gentle twinkly music]

[Car engine starts]

[Car engine revving]

And now the games begin.

- [Bottle clacks] - [Suspenseful music]

[Gemma and Monica laughing]

- I'm back. - [Door slams]

The looks you get when you haven't got a bag for life!

Oh, Terry, your friend's here.

Hiya.

- [Bag thuds] - [Soft suspenseful music]

Oh god, no!

Terry, you never told me you had such a funny friend.

Simon, you are hilarious. He is.

Well, there'll be loads of stuff

he's not told you about, Gemma.

I don't suppose he's told you about the time

when he lost all his savings on a pyramid scheme

selling actual pyramids, did he?

[Gemma, Simon and Monica laughing]

That were your scheme.

You told me pyramids were the house-shape of the future.

- [Monica laughs] - Said I'd be a pharaoh.

- Aah! - Or the time we graduated

from coach driving school together.

On his first day,

I put superglue on the clip of his seatbelt.

He drove all the way from wales to Edinburgh,

couldn't get out to go to the toilet once!

I had to pee in my shoe and throw it out of the window.

[Gemma and Monica laughing]

Sorry, Terry's a little bit jealous,

because I'm a bit of a free spirit, you know.

I mean, I know where I was yesterday,

but I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, you know.

When did you get out of prison?

Er, yesterday, yeah.

Prison? Oh, Simon, what happened?

I am the victim of identity theft, yeah, yeah,

someone had been posing as me and, well they'd only gone

and not paid my tax for seven years.

- [Monica gasps] - That is awful.

Yes, yeah, quite a daunting amount

of credit card fraud as well,

but I think most heart-breaking of all

was waiting for my best mate

to show up to act as a character witness for me,

but er, he never came, did he, Terry?

- No. - Terry?

As an actor, I fake many identities,

but I only ever use my powers for good.

An actor! Oh yes, of course.

Do you know, I sensed a certain creative essence

in the room, I did.

That's a glade plugin.

Terry, I'm getting a real negative vibe

from you right now.

Look, I just heard that your coach had blown up

and I just wanted to make sure you were all right.

See? Terry, that's what friends do.

Simon has turned up for you. Thank you.

So, did you have all your insurance papers in order?

Let me save you some time.

I am skint, Gemma's skint, we're both skint.

So you've had a bit of a wasted journey.

I'm not skint.

I mean, I'm not well off,

but um, well i'd say I'm comfortable.

- So, an actor? Wow! - Oh.

Well, listen, if you are doing any productions,

you know, I'd love to help out.

Gemma, I can feel my wing taking somebody under it.

[Gemma and Monica laughing]

See Terry? Friends.

[Gentle music]

[Eagle whistles]

- [Whip whooshes] - [Cat meowing]

[Metal dings]

- [Playful dramatic music] - [Birds chirping]

Right, you take monty's, I'll take caplan's.

This is an in-depth investigation.

What's their security system like?

Who's got access to the products?

Have they upset anyone lately? Are you ready?

Gemma, i'm investigating a bakery.

[Zip creaks]

Never been more ready.

- [Playful dramatic music] - [Bird chirps]

[Terry inhales]

Hmm, oh, hmm.

[Table clacks]

Yeah, this one's all right too.

Do you intend to taste very single product we make?

Monty, a man's in hospital,

possibly because of eating your food.

I'd have to be an idiot

not to want to check everything personally, hmm.

[Playful dramatic music]

This is Gemma draper.

Interview 1 with Phillip caplan, also known as cappy,

at the caf� at caplan's bakery.

The weather is overcast, I'm drinking a coffee,

cappy's got a water, I've got my lucky jumper on,

cappy's looking confused.

Right, [sighs] So, firstly, cappy, do you have any enemies?

Oh, yes, you met him last night.

Marshall 'monty' Montgomery, awful man,

owner of an even more awful bakery, with an idiot son.

Our families were lifelong rivals.

The feud began 100 years ago,

when our great, great grandfathers started a war.

They couldn't agree on what goods each bakery could produce,

but as the jams spilt and the bodies piled up,

it were clear they'd forgotten the baker's motto,

"live and let sieve," until eventually they called a truce.

So, it was decided that Montgomery's would do sweets

and caplan's would do savouries.

- Mm-hm. - Fine, but, the caplans

have always been an angry, bitter, jealous little bunch.

Monty seems pretty sure you're jealous of his success.

Oh, what a load of old horse.

Shiitake mushroom and butternut squash surprise.

That's what kicked it all off again.

Now, I know that, strictly speaking, it's not a sweet,

but I only done 'em for a trial.

I tried to tell him, but he couldn't give a-

focaccia, yeah?

He were selling focaccia as well. Did he tell you that?

That's breaking the rules, that is,

made me look a right stupid coun-

country pie!

If he keeps accusing me of breaking the rules,

I'll make a country pie that'll blow him out of the water.

He needs taking down a peg or two anyway.

Puts all sorts in them savouries,

cheese, peas, it's disgusting.

- [Telephone ringing] - Excuse me.

- Hello, Montgomery's. - [Man speaking over telephone]

Oh, no, I think there must be some mist...

[Voice on phone] I'll never use your bakery again.

Oh well, i'm, i'm very sorry about that.

[Voice on phone] It was unbelievable!

- Dad? What's wrong? - [Telephone clacks]

Apparently, our gingerbread men have got pubic hair!

Happens, when they get older.

How could you let this happen, ray?

I mean we're losing money hand over fist here.

I've just upped the insurance, the premiums are killing me.

God, you're such an idiot, boy.

[Laughs] According to the grapevine,

old monty's gingerbread men have just come of age!

Well if this gets out, there's no way he gets that unit

in the new shopping centre.

Ah, is that gonna be a shopping centre?

Gutted, I had my fingers crossed for an Ikea.

Well, they'll only allow one bakery,

and we both put bids in.

Julie, looks like we're expanding!

Dad, that was the hepburn funeral, the one we catered for,

the cornish pasties, they're filled with corn plasters.

- What? - Ugh.

- No! - They want their money back.

I'm sorry, Gemma, we'll have to continue this later.

Yeah, of course. [Chuckles]

[Cappy] If he wants a war, I'll give him a war!

[Julie] Calm down, dad,

everything's going to be all right.

[Cappy] You don't understand. ?

[she's clacking]

[Upbeat funky music]

Hello?

Now what are you doing here?

[Cappy] I hate him so much!

- Dad, please, not again. - [Cappy sobbing]

Oh, monty.

So basically there's loads of evidence both accusing

and exonerating both of our main suspects.

I mean, this is classic "bergerac."

They both want that new unit in the shopping centre.

One's got insurance and money worries,

the other's got a security pass for his rival.

I just wish they'd killed someone,

it's always so much easier with a murder.

Well, sadly Bernard's only in a coma.

It's neither one thing or the other, is it?

Bloody selfish is what it is.

Right, Monica's having drinks with the cast, we'll pop in,

see if we can see any potential suspects,

then after that, we're doing our first stake-out.

Don't you mean 'steak bake-out'?

No.

- [Gentle calming music] - [Newspapers rustling]

[Shoes clacking]

[Electricity buzzes]

[Soft suspenseful music]

[Birds chirping]

Do we really have to go to this?

Yes, Terry, it's a professional investigation,

which, thankfully, will involve prosecco.

All right Simon,

- taking a little breather? - Hmm.

Our Monica's quite a handful, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, she's got quite, er,

intense energy about her, doesn't she?

And her voice, it's quite erm-

- grating? - Yes.

But, you know, in a good way,

you know, it's like she's relentlessly grating off

the harsh outer shell of my heart, you know.

Aww.

Why don't you just go and do one, yeah?

You're nowt but a con-man and a thief.

I think we need to clear a few things up.

You could have helped me out,

could have stood up for me in court when I needed you,

but you didn't, and my life was taken away from me,

so you owe me a new life.

What, with Monica? You're punishing yourself, mate.

Terry, Monica is a lovely person,

and I can see us being very happy together in her big house,

watching her big telly while you keep your big mouth shut.

Well, I'll tell her, and Gemma,

I'll tell them the truth about you,

then you'll be buggered, won't you?

- Really? - Ah-ha.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay, well since we're all about telling the truth,

how do you think Gemma's gonna react

when I tell her about what me and you [clicks]

Got up to in Dubrovnik?

[Soft suspenseful music]

[Gasps] No, I was a different man then.

That's not how Gemma's gonna see it, though, is it?

So if you just keep schtum, let me do my thing,

no one needs to know, all right? [Clicks]

[Gentle playful music]

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

[Man groaning]

- [Man] My poor tummy! - What's going on here?

They're all being sick, very amateur dramatically.

[Men and lady vomiting]

It's a claw, birds' claws in all the pasties,

they're poisoning actors.

A curse is on all of our houses.

[Sam clapping]

[Woman vomiting]

Bravo, Monica, not only have you robbed yourself

and the audience, might I add, of my portrayal of Romeo,

you've poisoned the cast, twice!

I'll get my dinner elsewhere, thank you.

Somewhere that hasn't got butt-holes in the profiteroles!

But I got these from caplans,

I didn't ask for the bird claw ones.

Do you think that's why they were on special offer?

Well, Sam's on the list of suspects.

Stacey's producing plenty of evidence. Come on.

[Lady vomiting]

- [Upbeat music] - [Owl hoots]

[Hands rubbing]

Do you think we should buy a car?

Who goes on a stakeout in deck chairs?

Shut up and keep rubbing your hands.

- Why am I wearing this? - To blend in.

Gemma, the only way we'd blend in

is in a pool with massive tadpoles.

We're gonna sit here all night and catch the poisoner.

Right, we're needing this then.

Oh.

[Drink pouring]

Here's drink, I drink to thee.

Is that a Shakespeare quote?

Hmm, Shakespeare couldn't help himself writing quotes.

Well, this is just coffee.

Well, coffee with a bit of an Irish twist to it.

Oh.

[Blows mouth] Ooh, Irish?

It's liquid bloody "riverdance," that!

[Terry clears throat]

But more importantly, it'll keep us awake and alert.

[Gemma] Yeah.

- [Terry snoring] - [Gentle playful music]

? I'm mad ?

[Julie] You are my special little muffin.

[Ray] Well, you give me the cream horn.

Oh, really? Are you after having a cinnamon roll with me?

You know it.

[Lips smack]

I just want us to be together, in front of everyone.

Me too, but not with all this poisonous stuff going on,

it's too soon.

Meanwhile, why don't we...

-Oh, Julie, glaze me, -[Julie chuckles]

Glaze me like I've never been glazed before!

I'll go and make some syrup

and I want that doughnut to be right there when I get back.

[Julie giggles]

[Ray] Don't be long, sweet-cheeks, miss you already.

- Terry, Terry! - [Terry snoring]

[Door slams]

[Terry] Can we please just have another coffee,

and think about this?

Come on, down here.

Yeah, towards the creepy music, always with the towards.

? Whose in the story I'm about to tell ?

Oh, Terry, he's got a doughnut.

Well, technically, it's got him.

[Torch thuds]

What are you doing here?

Oh, now that's just showing off.

Please, you cannot tell my father, he won't understand.

You don't know what he's like.

- [Door slams] - [Gentle calming music]

Come on, after him.

But, Gemma, he's half corked!

Where'd he go? Ray?

Oh, well this is great, we've sat here all night

and all we've uncovered is one naked baker. [Sighing]

Gemma, I saw a man violate a doughnut tonight.

A doughnut? I mean, those are sacred.

It's days like this I wonder,

shouldn't we just go back to running coach trips?

I mean, are we sure about the investigating?

Yes, Terry, we're sure. We decided, remember?

I remember the decision, I mean I were there,

just not sure how involved I was in the making of it.

You said, "whatever makes you happy."

Look at me, I'm happy,

it's the best decision you've ever made.

Come on then, let's go home, we've blown our cover.

All right, just so you know,

I read in "Cosmopolitan" that two doughnuts

is the size that the average woman enjoys.

- It's three. - [Gentle suspenseful music]

[Fire rages]

- [Electricity buzzes] - [Motor clacking]

- [Birds chirping] - [Monty whistling]

- [Door slams] - [Gentle music]

[Raven croaking]

[Gravel crunching]

[Monty whistling]

Terry thinks we're having an affair, Monica.

I keep telling him, we are just friends.

I mean, do I long for my lips to dance across hers?

Of course, I'd be stupid not to.

But, if stupid is what it takes, then that's what I'll be.

Simon, you'll set my heart racing. [Chuckles]

Could you be any more transparent.

- Eh? - You heard.

You know, this whole poisoning thing

could be a conspiracy to stop me doing my amazing play.

Well, it could be me then, I mean, it could be Simon.

This poisoning all started when you showed up.

It's Sam, the little boy who always wanted to be Romeo

and doesn't care who he hurts to get the part.

You're letting this idea run away with itself.

Probably, yes, but we've got nothing else to go on.

Gemma, I'd advise caution.

In the amateur dramatic episode of "Hamish Macbeth-"

it's bad luck to say Macbeth! Oh.

Oh, never mind that.

Come on, let's go and search Sam's room.

[Chuckles] Eh, Gemma, I don't do carrying.

[Box thuds]

So, shall we go through your lines

in your dressing room, then?

I mean, after all, that's all we can do,

I mean, anything else would be very very naughty.

[Chuckles] You devil! [Chuckles]

[Gentle music]

[Door hinge creaking]

Terry, stay at the door.

Sam was really angry at the party,

if he gets here and attacks,

I want you as a buffer between him and me.

Is that all I am, a buffer?

[Sighs] Terry, you're a lot of things to me and, yeah,

yeah yeah, in this case you're a buffer.

[Gentle music]

[Hungers dinging and creaking]

Oh, that's pretty.

Aah.

[Toilet flashing]

What's going on?

Oh, I think you know, corn plasters, pubic hairs,

that's what's going on.

How did you get that many? Must have taken you years.

I bet you're smooth as butter down there.

You can't pin those pubes on me.

Your poisoning days are over, Sam.

You tried to take down two bakeries!

Two bakeries, who hurt you?

Are you mad?! Why would I wanna poison baked goods?

Revenge, for not getting a part in the play.

You've got delusions of grandeur.

That, coupled with psychotic cooking tendencies,

you might as well be Gordon ramsay himself.

Oh, my god, I'm good at this, nailed it.

Get out of my way, I said out of my way!

Where is that blithering idiot, ray?

My Julie has gone missing.

She wasn't in work today, but I found this photo

in her bedroom of her and that son of a baker, look!

Oh Jesus Christ!

Dear god, they're using an eclair this time!

That's not even my bag!

- Terry, buffer! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh give over, look, it's Ray's bag, you idiots!

Look, it's got his name in it.

Oh.

- What? - Ray is our saboteur!

He's ruining his own dad's business?

He hates working in that bakery.

His dad treats him like dirt, everyone knows that.

Everybody knows that!

They do this on "lovejoy" quite a lot.

- Yeah? - The son destroys the father.

- Mm. - I mean, it must lead

to a lot of awkward Christmas dinners,

but like they don't really talk about it,

'cause it's not plot-driven or.

Where does my Julie fit in with all this?

Because both you and monty forbid their love.

God, it's so romantic, it's like Shakespeare,

but with bakers.

Don't you mean bakespeare?

He's ruining the bakeries so they can both be free.

Don't worry, we'll find him.

I have a good idea where to start looking.

[Gentle music]

[Shoes clacking]

Quick, come on.

I've got a stitch!

I know exactly where he is.

[Ray] [Screaming] Someone let me out, please!

[Alarm blaring]

Down there, that flour thingy,

he must have climbed in and got stuck.

Yeah, like some sort of weird sexual flour fetish thing.

Well, I was thinking more like when he was cleaning it,

but your theory sounds far more likely.

- Help me, help! - [Door banging]

Help, help me! Oh no, someone let me out, please!

Help me get me out, please!

- [Gemma gasps] - The door, open the door!

It says not to open it!

I'm about to drown in flour! The wheel, use the wheel.

Terry, the wheel.

Go, go!

[Metals clanking]

[Screaming] Oh, let me out, please! No!

- [Ray screams] - [Gemma gasps]

We found your packet of pubes, ray.

We know you're the culprit.

It wasn't me.

Pubes don't lie, ray, pubes don't lie.

I, I was just doing what I was told.

Told? By who?

[Gentle twinkly music]

[Monty whistling]

[Soft suspenseful music]

Julie?!

She said if I let her poison the food here,

she'd do the same at her dad's place

and then we could open up our own bakery

in the shopping centre, and like run it together.

But I told her she was going too far.

So she threw you in the flour vat?

No, she told me there was a fiver in here.

I went after it and she locked it and started filling it.

How did she think she'd get away with killing you?

Oh, I'm always getting stuck in here.

Cleaning it?

No, I, I like the way it feels on my...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cleaning it.

- Told you. - Yeah.

She's spiked the flapjacks with prawns,

- we've gotta stop her! - Prawns?

Monica, she's allergic to shellfish, she could die!

I've got the bakery Van, let's go.

It's all right, I'll drive,

I used to be a skilled, professional driver.

[Upbeat rock music]

If you don't count all the points on my licence.

Go, go, go, go!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

? Heading on the highway ?

? looking for adventure ?

- [car engine sputtering] - ? and whatever come along ?

- [car engine revving] - [Bell ringing]

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

we apologise for the use of an understudy in part 1.

We also apologise for the quality of his performance.

Thanks for stepping in to cover for ray, wherever he is.

Hey, not a problem.

I didn't, I didn't expect them to laugh so much.

Oh, they weren't laughing at you,

they were laughing towards you.

I get that a lot, as an actor,

audiences just love to fling their joy all over me.

You're doing a great job.

Why thank you, my Juliet. And may I dare say new landlady?

[Monica giggles]

That is of course providing I do manage to land the lady.

No, we mustn't, we mustn't.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, my hero. [Chuckles]

? I wanna love you but I better not touch, don't touch ?

? I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop ?

? I wanna kiss you but I want it too much ?

can this not go any faster?

Look, she's built for comfort, not speed,

bit like me, and him. [Laughs]

- What? - ? running through my veins ?

? you're poison ?

two minutes 'til we're back on, Monica.

? I don't wanna break these chains ?

? I hear you calling and it's needles and pins ?

? I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name ?

? don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin, deep in ?

? I wanna kiss you but your lips venomous ?

poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.

[Gemma] Stop the play!

[Audience] Finally, about bloody time!

[Audience applauding]

Oh Monica, thank god you're all right.

Of course I am, I mean, I'm sweating a bit,

but I think the lights are just hot.

Where's Julie caplan?

- Sam, lights! - [Soft music]

Hey, Julie, we've just found ray.

Drowning in flour.

Wanna bet the police won't find your fingerprints

on the handle of the flour vat,

or on this security pass for monty's?

We've got you, Julie, your poisoning days are over.

Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you, Gemma?

I knew it as soon as I laid eyes on you.

I get by.

She's level 2 sudoku actually.

Julie, you did this?

You don't want the bakery when I'm gone?

My yeast will become your yeast.

She wants a fresh start in the shopping centre.

She wants recognition, adoration, free on-site parking.

He's right, dad, I don't wanna waste my whole life

staring across at my enemy, oh, no,

I'm going to be looking at my own bright future,

not your dull past.

I'm gonna be staring across at a cobbler

that also cuts keys.

[Monica wheezing and coughing]

[Monica thuds]

[Audience] Is she okay? Oh my god!

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, she's all swelled-up.

[Monica] I ate the flapjack.

Has anyone got an epipen?

Oh, Stacey has, I went through her bag earlier.

- [Simon] Right, stace. - Is it bad?

'Cause I always wanted to have lip-fillers. Does it suit me?

Yeah, yeah, they do.

Oh, you're a good sister, Gemma,

and maybe now you'll be the favourite.

You were never the favourite,

mum always said we were equal.

[Chuckles] She only said that when you were there.

- Hmm. - When you were gone,

she said it was...

It was me.

- [Monica thuds] - Oh, no, no!

No, no, no!

[Simon] Shift!

- [Flesh squelches] - [Monica gasps]

Simon, you saved my life!

- [Terry] Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

You go and get that little witch.

[Upbeat rock music]

[Door slams]

Kids, eh?

? The power of love is a curious thing ?

? make one man weep, make another man sing ?

Julie, wait!

Julie, stop!

? More than a feeling ?

- Julie. - ? that's the power of love ?

bloody stitch!

[Door opens]

? tougher than diamonds, rich like cream ?

this is it, Julie, the end of the line,

time to give it up.

That's who she reminds me of, Juliet!

I think everyone's already got the reference

- to Shakespeare. - No, Juliet bravo,

series 3, episode 4, "amateur night."

Not now, Terry.

Julie!

? It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes ?

[ray] Go, go, go, go, go up.

Oh my god!

? That's the power of love ?

- no. - Easy now, Julie,

you don't wanna do something you won't live to regret,

oh no, that's not right, is it?

What I mean to say-

what she's tryna say is, don't jump!

Yes, that's it, don't jump! Ssh.

Julie, we can make it work.

If you go to prison, I'll wait, no matter how long,

and I forgive you, for everything,

for destroying my family business, attempted murder.

I love you.

Way to go, mate, play it cool.

No, ray, you need someone better.

Hey, don't you say that,

you're plenty good enough for him.

I mean, he's hardly

the brightest sparkler in the packet, is he?

You run rings around him.

I say, don't jump, you'll find someone much better.

- Here, hang on. - I'm trying to save her life!

You're the only one for me, Julie.

You make my skin crawl, ray.

Every time we made love, I thought I was going to be sick!

You probably just ate too many doughnuts.

Look, I was gonna do this earlier,

but then you locked me in a flour vat in a bid to kill me.

Er, so-

oh, look.

Julie caplan, will you marry me?

[Soft sombre music]

- [Gemma and ray scream] - [Julie thuds]

No!

Oh, well, at least she didn't say no.

I, I can't live without her.

Hey, hang on, mate, she isn't worth topping yourself for!

She tricked you into destroying

everything your families had worked for.

She admitted to all of us

that sex with you turned her stomach!

Ray, wait, just let me say one more thing.

No. Julie, Julie, I love you!

[Gemma and Terry scream]

[Soft sombre music]

Look before you leap is quite literally the lesson here.

[Ray] Oh, oh, sorry, Julie.

[Julie] Get off me, ray.

Ray, if you still love her-

[ray] I do.

You might wanna help her get down off that waggon.

Oh yeah, right.

I knew I could rely on you.

I needed you and you were there.

Hey, hey, I will be there for all of you,

no matter how long it takes,

'til your head returns to a normal size.

Yeah. [Monica chuckles]

Terry and Gemma get their insurance payout.

Oh that, yeah, Gemma said that could take months.

Months? Er, yeah, that's fine, it can wait.

Although, Gemma also said they might never pay up,

so we'll be together forever, [Chuckling] And ever and ever.

Aah. Oh, oh I've just remembered, I think...

Yeah, I think I left my jacket in your car.

Can I grab your car keys and go and get it?

Yeah, of course you can, they're, erm-

yeah, I know where they are, I was just being polite.

[Chuckles] Oh, he's such a gent.

[Police speaking over radio]

[Scoop stretcher creaking]

[Siren wailing]

As much as I want to thank you for stopping Monica's play,

you are going away for a very, very long time.

And I'll come and visit you every week, in prison.

Can you take me back up to the roof?

- I'd like to try again. - [Gentle charming music]

[Ray] I love you, Julie.

[Dog barking]

[Sobs] Thanks for paying for the taxi.

Simon texted to, erm,

to say it's time for his heart to wander,

and he needs my car to do that,

so he'll bring it back when the wander's over.

I can feel a big cry coming on, and maybe some wine.

Well, I never liked him, no. Why are you even friends?

He's nothing like you.

Your heart doesn't wanna wander,

- does it? - Mine?

No, my heart finds what it wants, nestles into a comfy sofa,

offers another liquid "riverdance" coffee.

Ooh.

If my lady could be tempted by such a thing.

Hey, let's not rub our happiness in Monica's face, eh?

We don't wanna make her jealous.

Terry, that's an awful thing to say.

I might be heartbroken, but I could never be jealous

of the happiness you and Gemma share together, never.

- Aww. - Because people like you

usually end up all alone for your entire lives.

Quite sad really.

[Gentle twinkly music]

Gemma, could we-

feed her prawns in her sleep?

- Yeah. - All right then.

? Poison, your poison running through my veins ?

? you're poison, I don't wanna break these chains ?

? poison, I wanna love you but I better not touch ?

[gentle music]

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