Original subtitles

[Dramatic music]

[Derek gasping]

Oh my god, it's you.

[Dramatic music]

Come on, it's me.

Derek.

You know me.

Give it to me.

I must have it.

No, I'll never tell you where it is, never.

You'll have to kill me first.

[Upbeat music]

As you wish.

[Upbeat music]

- [Derek screams] - [Upbeat music]

[Bright upbeat music]

[Man] One, two, three, yeah.

[Upbeat music]

I'm sorry to be so forward love.

You're a very handsome woman.

The way your hair grows out of your skull like that,

magical.

[Upbeat music]

Hi, excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice you from across the fields.

[Laughs]

Can I take you on a date and maybe more.

I'm sorry, I'm talking to this lovely lady.

Oh, you lucky mare.

He likes you.

Maybe you should go on a date with him,

then perhaps intercourse.

I'm very clean.

I always use a loofa on my under bits.

Although I must warn you,

I do have a slight case of eczema,

or as I like to call it, the snowfall of love.

It's like Christmas.

Christmas in your bedroom more like.

When I pleasure a woman,

I like to unwrap her like a present.

Baste her like a Turkey.

And when I'm finished, she falls asleep satisfied

just like my Nana.

Look, I sell jam here, nothing more.

So you can either put it in your bag, on your toast,

or shove it up your ass.

I don't care, as long as it get my 3.50 pounds.

[Gemma] Okay.

I tried my best.

I was oozing seduction but she was immune.

Yeah.

We'll just have to wait.

You keep your camera ready.

She's gonna do some adultery sooner or later.

I mean, just look at her.

You can tell. Thirsty for flesh.

Is that the woman you came to spy on?

Why was Terry harassing her? Should we report him?

Well yes, to the untrained eye

it may look as though he was harassing her Monica,

but Terry was actually attempting to flirt with her.

Her husband's hired us to see

if she's cheating on him.

Terry's our little honey trap.

Right.

Well I have to say,

it's so brave of you

to bet your whole future on this investigation business.

It's not making you any money whatsoever,

but you're still plugging away,

despite all the signs telling you to just pack it in.

Makes me proud to call you my sister.

Well, it's early days yet.

Look at Bill Gates.

He started Microsoft in a garage.

Look at him now.

Maybe you should get a job in a garage like him,

you know, just to make some money.

And don't get me wrong,

you can live with me rent free for as long as you want.

It's only until the insurance money

comes through on our coach Monica.

If it comes through.

Oh, hey, can I interest you in my new perfume?

Made it myself, with oils from my own natural body scent.

It's called me, by Monica.

That's me.

She loved that. She'll definitely be back.

[Upbeat music]

[Dramatic music]

We need the money, gem.

Got to get out of your sister's place.

I wake up every day smelling of me.

It's like living in her armpit.

We will Terry, I promise you.

Soon we'll have our own place

and I'll be stuck living somewhere

that smells of your armpits.

And then, gem, we can afford the wedding of our dreams.

Yeah, the wedding of your dreams.

Yeah.

[Upbeat music]

[Gasping]

[Dramatic music]

Porcelain rabbit figurine, 1981.

Oh, glazing in excellent condition.

You can sense the caress of the Potter in each detail.

Haven't been touched like that in years.

The red-eyed rabbit?

Oh, you're welcome to it.

I remember that from when I was a kid

and from many nightmare as an adult.

My mum got it from a Potter she had a fling with,

Eric something...

Derek castlewick.

Creator of the little Timmy tufty tail collection.

He's had a fling with a lot of women,

your mum's not special.

It's wonderful. How much do you want for it?

- Well... - Don't know,

couple of quid I suppose.

Terry, that's not how you car boot.

Clearly you have no interest in pottery of this kind.

I can tell by the look on your face.

It's the same look my ex-wives all had.

[Dramatic music]

It's here, I was right.

Derek gave it away to one of his girlfriends.

All these years tracking them and finally it's in my sights.

That idiot Carl is trying to buy it. Get rid of him.

Look, I need that for my collection, a tenner.

Tenner? Aye, go on.

20.

20? Aye, go on.

25.

40.

100. Aye go on.

But Terry, this is obviously

a very valuable collector's item.

I'm afraid it's not for sale.

Terry, come on pack up

this little bunny's got a date with eBay.

150. Aye...

So unless there's anything else that you'd like?

[Coughing]

I thought I was gonna black out then.

So, I've completely sold out of me.

You never told me business was so easy.

This is clive. We met by the Nick-nacks.

This is my sister Gemma.

Hi there.

Have you smelled her me?

It really grabs the nose, doesn't it?

I mean, one whiff and you just yearn

to Bury yourself in the source of the odour.

[Laughing]

Or move out.

My my, what a delightful figurine.

[Dramatic music]

Are you selling it?

Do you know, I've seen these before, collectors' items.

I could offer you say, 200 pounds?

Oh aye, go on.

Sorry, it's...

- [Phone ringing] - Oh.

It's our client.

[Terry mumbles]

Hello mr Collins.

Have you caught my Fiona fooling around yet? Huh?

Telling me she's going out

to confession every Thursday night.

We're not even catholic.

No, nothing yet. But don't you worry.

Fiona can't hide from us for long.

We will keep our eyes permanently peeled.

The thing about bremmer and draper investigators

is that we are highly observant.

Nothing will get past us.

Mark my words, we will catch them.

Okay, okay, goodbye Mr. Collins.

[Dramatic music]

[Carl screaming]

You can't do this to me.

I can, I am, and I did.

Now you stay put,

while I keep an eye on ginger and her boyfriend.

Make sure they give it to you.

Either voluntarily or begging for their lives.

- [Laughing] - [Carl screaming]

I wonder what you're really worth,

you red-eyed git.

Clive said you were a collector's item.

Oh well, I guess there's only some things eBay will tell us.

Gemma, if we're going to do this,

there's something you should know about me.

I'm a big bad action boy.

Yeah, you are. I'm really proud of you for that.

No, I meant I used to collect action men.

That's what we call ourselves,

and I'm not ashamed of it.

Maybe a little bit.

I'm a collector just like him.

I know this world, I know how obsessive these people can be.

We don't need eBay just yet.

There's another place, a dark place,

in the corner of the Internet.

[Cartoon] Cuddle me collectibles.

Right, I've posted it.

A member here says there's a whole range of rabbits.

99, mummy rabbits, daddy rabbits.

We've got the 100th.

The myxomatosis rabbit.

[Dramatic music]

[Gemma sighs loudly]

I don't believe that.

We've got the only one ever made.

Oh.

If you have a figurine or collectible

you are thinking of selling,

please consider us here at macreadie's auction house.

Maybe you've had it for years

or stolen it from a dying relative...

Bloody pop-ups.

Right, it says here,

"in the end, Potter Derek castlewick

deemed maxy too offensive for sale."

Thought it might scare the kiddies.

Yes, which it did Derek.

You know if he was alive,

I'd have a good mind to go round and wet his bed.

Hey, also says he died under suspicious circumstances.

Who said he died in scarborough. Same thing I suppose.

Right, we're off.

I'm going to teach my yoga class.

You should come gem.

Tone up some of those flappy bits.

You're not a qualified yoga teacher Monica.

You not qualified anything actually.

I know, isn't it mad?

Just put an advert up

and loads of people joined, mainly men.

I think they just come to watch me stretch,

but it's money, isn't it?

Will you be going to yoga, clive, huh?

Do a bit of the old downward dog in with Monica?

It's all the rage now.

I never do it that way.

I enjoy eye contact.

I like to look into my man's soul

as he reaches his pleasure peak.

And then I own him.

Gemma.

[Dramatic music]

Don't hurt me.

We'd have had that rabbit if it weren't for you.

I wanted it for myself.

Why should you have everything?

You have to take your punishment.

[Carl screaming]

[Bright upbeat music]

Eight grand. There's a bloke here offering eight grand.

Seriously?

I'm so serious.

I'm getting shooting pains down my left arm.

Oh, what's this? The bunnyman.

That's a daft name.

"Give me the rabbit now

or I will send the beast and you will regret it."

Oh, a threat.

I wonder if he's got anything to do

with Derek's suspicious circumstances.

See, I told you.

I know someone who put an original my little pony on here,

but then didn't wanna sell.

Woke up with its head in the bed.

Let's get rid of it Gemma.

Look, we need this money.

And well if we get a place of our own,

we can do all sorts of things, like together things.

Make all the noises that we can't make here.

All right. Alright, alright, I've re-prioritised.

Yes, okay, we need to celebrate.

You nip down to the off licence and get some drinks in.

Fine, as there's no stopping you,

look under the pampas grass.

What's this?

And if you want some crisps, look in my wellies.

I've got cheese and onion.

And because of the wellies, they're even cheesier.

[Dramatic music]

Terry.

[Terry] What.

There's someone in the room.

Oh, it's bloody Monica sleep-walking.

[Gemma screams]

I am the beast, give me the rabbit, now.

You're the woman from the car boot sale.

Are you lost, love?

No, she's not, she's a figurine obsessed psychopath

who's come to finish us off.

Don't be so silly.

- [Screams] - Rabbit. Rabbit.

Terry, handle her.

What.

I don't wanna seem too forward,

but you're a very handsome woman.

[Screaming]

He wants the rabbit. Give it to...

Oh.

[Moans]

Bugger, not again. Oh.

Bugger what?

I think I've put my back out.

Been happening more and more these days.

Oh just let me lie down flat

and I'll be right back with you.

Well, I think we defeated the beast.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, you're joking.

Why did they have to send you?

Probably 'cause you've created chaos yet again, Gemma.

Oh, you're so smug, aren't you?

Me, smug? No.

I'm a proper policewoman,

while you're playing at being a private investigator.

God, Vicky, why do you always have

to bring that attitude with you?

Why are they so angry with each other?

Ooh, I'm the one in trouble, aren't I?

She's her sister-in-law. They don't get on.

Oh.

Gemma is what we call in the force a waste of space.

- Oh. - Leave it.

So what's your name

and why are you in gamma's sister's house,

where she lives rent-free much like a parasite?

Betty Jackson.

Oh, I think I might be in the wrong house.

I thought this was my house

and the door was open so I just came inside, oh.

Well don't be fooled by her sweet demeanour.

She came here to kill us.

She attacked me with her cane.

[Betty laughing]

My cane.

Oh, it does fly about a bit.

I've lost my co-ordination.

Come on you, I'll help you home.

Let these two keep their dignity.

And get back to their sofa-bed.

Oh, don't worry dear,

I've had a fistful of morphine and it's kicking in.

Oh, I'll say my goodbyes then, Gemma.

See sense, the bunnyman will stop at nothing

to get the rabbit.

Well, bye then. Thanks for your Patience.

[Dramatic music]

[Upbeat music]

Well, you've certainly come to the right place Gemma.

And may I say how rare it is

to see such a pristine figurine

brought to me by such a pristine figure.

Oh, thank you, brushed my hair

and my teeth.

And what a marvellous job you did of both.

[Laughing]

This um...

This rabbit is worth a considerable amount.

Yes.

Seems to be connected to bunnyman.

Oh, him.

He's harassed me for years.

I have letter after letter from him.

Always asking if I'd found maxy.

Threatening me because he didn't believe I hadn't.

He's quite mad.

Well my partner told me the collecting world is quite odd.

Partner?

In my investigation agency. It's...

Fascinating.

I suppose you jet around the world,

catching the bad guys and righting wrongs?

Something very like that, yeah.

[Upbeat music]

Come on Fiona, do something, or at least someone.

- [Upbeat music] - [Phone buzzing]

Hello, yeah Mr. Collins.

Have you got anything for me yet?

No, probably no suspicious activity as of yet.

To be honest, I'm thinking of knocking this on the head.

No, don't worry. I'm watching her like a hawk.

You're not coming up with anything.

Now you entrusted this to us, the professionals.

Let us use our specialised skill set to help you.

It's a skill set based on watching hours of YouTube videos.

And Mark my words, I am watching every move she makes.

[Orchestral music]

Bugger.

The bunnyman is not unique.

Collectors are an obsessive lot, Gemma.

Here's one of the most famous of the bunny brigade,

Jasper donningburgh.

Sadly his collecting obsession consumed him.

His quest to find the final rabbit in the series

became too much for him.

He took his own life.

[Gun shot]

That's so sad.

Why is he wearing a gas mask?

Jasper suffered from an hereditary condition.

Trimethylaminuria, also known as fish odour syndrome.

He smelled of fish?

Apparently, only when he felt nervous or excited.

Better not go on a roller-coaster with him then.

Got you.

[Laughing]

Clive, hello. Do you work here?

Clive does all our spreadsheets.

You two know each other.

He's dating my sister.

Oh, really clive.

Well if she's as beautiful and attractive as you, Gemma,

he's a very lucky man.

Making me blush,

and feel really, really good about myself.

Nice to unexpectedly see you.

[Slow piano music]

I'm sorry to be so forward Gemma,

but I wouldn't be doing my job

if I didn't offer my services.

We'd love to auction your rabbit here.

Yes. That would make the bunnyman come to us.

I mean, obviously the money is exciting and everything,

but you know, drama.

Collectors from all over the world will come to you

for this piece.

You're looking at at least half a million pounds.

? Joy to the world ?

? the lord is come ?

half a million pounds?

This is it.

Gemma, we've spent our entire lives scrabbling

to get out of the toilet.

Just look at us now.

We're sitting on the rim picking poo out of our fingernails.

And hey, listen, we're not gonna waste it.

Oh no, we're gonna invest it wisely.

I'll be honest,

I wasn't convinced before,

but this is the best investment we'll ever make.

[Piano music]

We're both classy, Gemma.

It's the kind of people we are.

Wow.

When we sell the rabbit,

I'm thinking I might get myself an owl for this arm.

Oh yeah.

Imagine walking down the aisle towards me

and an owl, majestic.

I didn't even want a big wedding at first.

I think as many people as possible

need to see me wearing this.

Our Vicky's jaw is gonna drop when she sees this dress.

I think a lot of people

are gonna have a substantial reaction

to seeing you in that dress babe.

Are you gonna try on that other dress?

The woman said it was bigger, so it'll be even classier.

Alright, bring it on.

[Piano music]

- [Dramatic music] - [Gemma screams]

Give me the rabbit.

Terry, bunnyman, bunnyman.

Give me the rabbit or die.

Out the back.

Grab the bag.

It's got the bloody rabbit in it.

Terry.

Oh, I've got it, I've got it.

It's in here, isn't it?

Wait, give it back.

No, I'm keeping it.

Remember our deal, Carl.

This could end very badly for you.

Don't throw your life away.

Jokes on you Betty.

I haven't even got a life.

[Dramatic music]

I did it. It's finally mine.

[Car screeching]

I'm fine, not a Mark on me.

[Dramatic music]

Everything's alright. I saved it.

Good to know where I stand in the grand scheme of things.

[Dramatic music]

[Police] Yeah, one body sarge.

Absolutely splattered to be honest.

Nearly put me off my dinner.

He was on 84 rabbits.

Thought he could get up to the big numbers.

They all do.

How did you know we were here? Did you follow us?

Yeah. Bunnyman told me to follow you.

And then we set this up.

You don't fancy just giving it to us, do you?

No. Worth a try.

But look, you can't tell the police.

If you do, they'll take the rabbit,

impound it as evidence.

And then we'll all be in danger.

Save the rabbit and you'll save yourselves.

I'm getting out of this game.

It's too cut throat.

I'm going back to contract killing,

which is still cutting throats,

but you know, there's a level of honesty in it.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Fancy dress is it, Gemma.

What have you come as?

Someone in a strong relationship

who's not afraid to express her love.

I can see you're still in character

as the miserable old witch.

I'm a police officer.

Misery is part of the job.

Speaking of which, I sincerely hope you three being here

is just a coincidence.

Last time I saw you all,

Gemma was accusing you of breaking and entering.

Water under the bridge.

We've sort of befriended Betty here.

She came to help us get fitted for the wedding.

Our wedding's gonna be great.

Like yours, but with less of a sense of my brother

making a massive mistake.

And an owl.

Stay there, I'll be wanting statements from all of you.

[Upbeat music]

Your highness, it's me.

I wanted you to know

an incredibly rare piece has just come up, maxy.

Yes, the maxy.

The one and only.

[Upbeat music]

So that's it.

The bunny is worth a fortune,

there's a psycho called the bunnyman

who's after us for it

and we are going undercover at the auction tomorrow

to catch him.

[Terry snapping]

[Upbeat music]

Do you think it's going in?

She's not registering.

No, no no no no, I can hear you.

I'm just trynna figure out how any of this is about me.

Well, there's something I need to tell you.

Your clive's involved.

Clive? How?

He works at the auction house.

Oh, but you didn't tell me that.

I found that out through detection work.

Not just by bumping into him there.

Right then, well I'm obviously coming

to the auction with you then.

No Gemma, she's not coming with us.

I view time risking my life

chasing a psychopath as special calm time,

I enjoy away from Monica.

No offence.

Oh, offence taken.

You might need backup.

She's right.

Or an annoying distraction.

Ooh, exciting.

And we're gonna have to dress the part, okay.

Oh yes. You're my sister.

I'm not having anyone think you are less of a woman

just because I can see your squat little legs, alright?

[Upbeat music]

So that's it.

Don't suppose you need a written resignation, do you?

Great, well, no hard feelings then.

Standard procedure, I'll pick up my holiday pay later.

You don't follow me, I won't slit your throat in your sleep.

You're going nowhere.

The job's not complete.

Nobody walks away from me.

I think you're forgetting who you're talking to here.

I am the beast and I was killing people

while you were still gnawing on your mama's nipples.

[Bunnyman laughing]

[Phone rings]

[Upbeat music]

Gemma, I'm gonna tell myself off

because I didn't think you have

the hips for that dress.

But look at you.

You've managed to wriggle your way into it.

You're a little queen.

Look, why do I have to go undercover as a waiter?

Because I'm more believable

as a wealthy lady whose husband has died,

leaving her his estate

and who now spends her time collecting rabbits

and entertaining her string of exotic lovers.

I'm not sure I'm happy

with how much you've thought this through, Gemma.

And I am her sister with a much longer string

of more exotic bad companions.

Right, so the bunnyman is gonna make a move,

so we need to be ready for anything.

Terry, you go outside and mingle with the guests.

Once any of us find out who the bunnyman really is,

he's mine.

Well as long as he doesn't Nick it,

and the cheque clears, we're golden.

Gemma, we're gonna have flamingos at our wedding.

During the service and possibly also as a starter.

Oh, Christ, Gemma.

We won't do that.

[Crowd] Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit.

[Piano music]

[Clapping]

What's with the costumes.

Is this some sort of sex party or something?

No, they're not like this. They're always indoors.

This is how the figurine fraternity do it

when they auction something at this level.

This way, none of them will ever know

who has the full collection.

It could be very dangerous for whoever has them all.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen,

to a very special evening in the collectibles world.

Tonight, we will auction off

a unique piece in the Timmy tufty tale series,

maxy, the myxomatosis rabbit,

the 100th and final rabbit in the collection.

[Crowd clapping]

None of which would be possible without its owner,

the beautiful lady cilla De black.

Bonjour.

And her sister...

Lady Pam au raisin.

[Clapping]

Now, if you follow me, we can stop the oaks.

[Clapping]

[Orchestral music]

[Crowd] Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit,

rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.

The rabbit is in excellent condition.

The glazing is impeccable

and as with all items sold here at...

Do you er, fancy a tipple?

Should you wish to have your items delivered.

Rabbit.

I'm more a big bad action boy myself.

You know, the old action man game.

[Dramatic music]

Intense industry.

I should know, I tried to sell an action man once,

they wanted his service record.

I will leave you to enjoy your beverage.

Shall we start the bidding at say, 100, 000 pounds?

Yes. Get in.

Is that our first bid?

No, sorry.

I was just excited about giving out the champagne.

I'm more of a cider man, you see.

And pickled onions.

Clive?

Where were we?

Oh yes, 100,000 pounds.

100,000.

150.

200.

300.

350.

Come on then, show yourself, you lop-eared bugger.

Just be patient, Monica.

He'll make a mistake, then he's ours.

[Jacob] 550.

[Crowd member] 600,000.

Sweet Mary lord, carry me home.

Oh.

- 650,000. - Yes.

[Jacob] 650.

Can I top you up in a minute?

Just 'cause I'm in the process

of watching my life change in ways I don't really deserve.

[Jacob] 650 pounds ladies and gentlemen.

Or, you know, in hindsight,

it would be a shame to leave your patch.

Okay mate.

Keep bidding, keep bidding. Don't mind me.

Pick up number ladies and gentlemen.

Fulfil a dream.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I really need some more champagne.

Not now man, can't you see what's happening?

The auction has come alive.

700.

For god's sake. Look out the back you idiot.

[Dramatic music]

Now, where were we?

Can you smell fish?

700,0000.

You're Jasper donningburgh's son.

You're a very clever girl, Gemma. Yes, I am.

Gemma is right.

I was raised here in this auction house,

by my stepfather, macreadie.

But, I am Jacob donningburgh.

But you're more than that.

You're the bunnyman.

Right again.

You've got a brilliant mind.

I had planned my finale for a little later,

but maybe no time like the present is the way to go.

[Dramatic music]

Look at me, all of you.

All I wanted in my life

was to complete my father's collection.

I'm a good boy.

But these rabbits are cursed.

I've sent myself mad.

I've become a monster just like daddy.

[Sobbing]

Just like all of you.

Think about how much you've ruined your own family's lives

trying to achieve this, just like me.

Think about how your children have suffered

as you ignored them to chase this pointless

little bug-eyed bunny.

The things I've done to get this

would shock the devil himself.

[Laughing]

I killed Derek, to find out where maxy was.

But he wouldn't tell.

Oh, I'd have kept that to myself.

And Betty is dead in the cellar.

Oh, now is definitely the time to shut up.

And now, for the final piece of the puzzle.

Once this rabbit is destroyed, it's all over.

None of you will have the complete collection,

and you can go back to your families and apologise

for what you've put them through.

Jacob, no.

[Crowd member] We don't care about your pathetic life.

Enough of this. I shall bid a million pounds sterling.

Oh, please, Jacob,

this could bring such happiness to two,

and I'm not even exaggerating, incredibly unlucky people.

Sorry Gemma, but you won't be catching it this time.

Oh no, no, no.

No.

It's all right. It's alright everyone. I'm still rich.

Panic over. I found the fizzy stuff.

Terry, no.

What.

Yes Terry. Yes.

[Bunnyman laughing]

Oh.

Consider this my resignation.

[Dramatic music]

Clive, did you know about all of this?

He's my husband, he's my life.

You're life? What about me?

I was using you to get to the rabbit, you stupid girl.

Be still my love.

Hop, hop, hop into the darkness.

[Slow piano music]

Terry, what did you do to the rabbit?

Look, I know there's gonna be a lot of anger and blame,

but one day Gemma, I promise you,

one day I will find a way to make out, this wasn't my fault.

[Slow piano music]

Well, well, well.

Looks like the police force

needed the lowly investigators after all.

For all your snide little comments,

I was the one who found out who the culprit was.

By all accounts,

it was 20 seconds before

he just told everybody who he was, Sherlock.

Well, at least I didn't have his main hench-woman

in my sights and then just let her go.

Which led to someone dying.

Should we call it a draw?

Fair enough.

Sunday dinner at two.

See you there.

[Slow piano music]

Do you know what the real shame is?

What's that?

It's Wednesday.

You know what we usually do on a Wednesday night.

You've had a bath, I've had a bath, with my peach scrub.

We can't.

Well, I was thinking, if we were really really quiet,

then we could.

Because we wouldn't wake anyone up.

Well don't mind me, love.

If I haven't got my readers on,

I can't see a bloody thing.

You two crack on.

You're kind enough to let me lie low here,

so I don't mind listening to you get jiggy with it.

Oh.

No.

[Upbeat music]

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