Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Hey, hey, hey! Show some respect,

you homeless piece of shit!

Smile! It's free!

Okay, I am going to tell you a story now

about how people,

like that sad, pathetic prick back there,

found happiness.

But it is not a happy story, okay?

I mean, why do people think

that life should always be happy, you know?

Because when I was a little boy,

my mother used to sing me a song.

It went like this.

Life is short

life is shit

and soon it will be over

but for you, my friends,

this story is just beginning.

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Some days it's dark

some days I work

I work alone

I walk alone

unknown

Sweetness

my god.

Laughter

wow.

Or not

Mr. November.

He's hot.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Mr. December.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, kids.

Where's your father?

He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.

- Again? - Yeah.

Hey, kids.

- Hey, dad. - Hey, dad.

I was just taking a shower.

Yep. Just had myself a shower.

Shower?

Honey, you're home!

Wally, you're... hurting me.

I'm just so glad you're home.

Get in the vehicle, baby.

I'm not getting in that vehicle.

Baby, this is my gift to you.

What? Gift?

It's not a gift.

You freakin' stole this.

I stole it to make it up to you, baby.

Yeah? Well, tell me this.

How could you sleep with my best friend

and then tell me about it?

Sure, I told you about it, baby,

but don't shoot the messenger.

Well, you can say goodbye to this.

- No, baby. - Yeah! Yes, you can.

- You know I need that. - Wave bye-bye, baby.

- Baby, I need it. - Never any more, Romeo.

- How about a farewell one, baby? - Yeah! Yeah!

Come on, baby. Just a sniff, baby.

I'll see ya in my dreams,

you cheating, lying, backstabbing freak!

I'm sorry. I...

I don't understand German.

Most days it's dark

I can't go on.

This is bullshit.

I think I just may have something.

Easy.

Easy, patient 957.

And open.

What will this do?

Well, what it does is...

Reaches into your brain, chemically,

and locates your happiest memory, chemically,

and then locks onto that emotion and freezes it, chemically,

and then it keeps you happy, happy.

Chris...

She's depressed, not stupid.

Come on.

Just take it.

All right.

Coming!

- Merry Christmas. - Presents!

That's all right.

Sorry we're a few hours late there, mom.

You know how the kids hate old people.

That's all right, as long as we're all together.

Good point. How's your health? You doing okay?

- Good. Just a touch of the sciatica. - These action heroes...

Are from last year, dummy.

Well, they're...

So I hear dad's dead.

Hey, is that eggnog?

Yeah. Go have yourself a glass.

I'm going to go check on the bird.

Thought we'd have yams this year.

I got ourselves a butterball.

Because remember, last year's was so dry.

Got to go. Come on, kids, in the car.

Come on. Let's go.

Yeah, sorry, mom. We got to go.

Hey, you got that gift for my mom?

Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas, mother hurdicure.

- I wonder what that is. - It's a harmonica.

Well, see you next year.

That was lovely.

Look, she's smiling.

- Yeah, she is. - Oh, my.

- Calm down. Calm down. - Look! Look!

- Just calm down. Calm down! - All right.

How do you feel, patient 957?

Like a fresh towel.

Drying on the line on a summer's day.

I feel like a little worm

peeking its head out of the ground

after a rainstorm and seeing no Robin.

I feel like god's rubbing my tummy.

You know, I haven't felt this happy

since my son came to visit at Christmas.

This could be it.

- It's a strong maybe. - Well, it could be it.

- This could be it. - Jesus Christ!

I think we got it!

Yeah!

And... who are you?

Just a guy.

We 're commencing final approach.

Any clue as to his mood today?

I'm sorry. I can't get a sense of his mood.

Sock color?

Red socks.

Red socks! Red socks!

Red socks.

Red socks!

Red socks! Red socks!

- Red socks! - Red socks.

- Come on. - Red socks!

Okay, let's keep going.

Let's work together.

Yes. Keep going.

Yes. Very, very good.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Good morning, Don. - Good morning, Don.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Don.

Good morning, Don.

Didn't we say good morning yesterday, Marv?

Yeah, I guess we did, Don.

Don, how did the board of directors meeting go?

- Can I have the room for a minute? - Everybody out!

My empire is crumbling!

All right, everyone back in.

Okay.

To answer your question, Natalie,

the board of directors was a little concerned

that we didn't have a back-to-school drug

or Christmas drug.

We didn't have an international women's day drug.

Exactly.

So, you know, I tried to remind them that when I invented stummies...

Stummies, yes. Thank god that you did.

It took both time and effort.

But, unfortunately, the board takes a narrow view,

and in their own narrow way,

they think that the company is losing money,

which, in fact, we are.

But again, I think this is the narrow view.

Damn them, Don. What the hell do they know?

Well, they're insisting that we cut our research outlay by 60%.

Of course, I told them to fuck off.

Good for you, Don.

But then out loud I said I'd consider it.

Of course. Exactly the right thing to do.

Play with them.

So, where are we with that, Marv?

With what, Don?

Our restructuring plan.

You mean the thing that you just mentioned just now?

Yeah.

We're on top of that, Don.

Good.

Are we ever going to get the big table in here,

or do I have to cut down that fucking tree myself?

- I'll get right on that. - Yeah, please.

Okay. Number one.

Open.

Open.

- Open. - No.

It's been two weeks, and I don't feel any different.

All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?

A little of this and a little of that. Open.

Sugar, isn't it?

I'm in the placebo group.

Well, loose lips sink ships. Open.

My face tells me it's sugar.

Thank you.

You're not allowed to do that to me.

Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, my!

Doctor!

Just a second. I'm ready...

Hello. Yeah.

How are you feeling, 957?

Pardon?

How are you feeling, Mrs. Hurdicure?

Excellent. Just a little dizzy.

So it's safe to say

you're not suffering from any mood swings or bouts of depression?

No. No mood swings, but I'm a little dizzy.

- And how's your appetite? - Excellent.

Though I am a little dizzy.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Here we go again.

This urine is great.

And the liver function test came back completely clean.

Totally clean.

See, I told you. The goddamn drug works.

Yes, I know that the early results have been...

Favorable, I guess is the word.

- What? - Come on.

Slow down. We got lots more testing to do.

Guys, maybe Chris is right.

Dr. Cooper?

Dr. Chris Cooper?

Yes, sir.

Could you spare five minutes, please?

We're just going to step upstairs for a moment, okay, Chris?

The vultures are flying in today.

There's a lot of shit going down.

It's carnage.

They're cutting all the fat.

Chris.

I heard Don's been shot.

Don's been shot?

I heard we've been bought out by the Japanese.

Hey, I just heard that the Japanese have been shot.

I don't want to go!

At least let me take my monkeys.

I don't care what happens to me,

but please let me take my monkeys.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on, Chris.

Look, this is just an informal chat.

We were wondering what you were working on in your lab.

Well, I've invented a pill

that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.

Right. And what's positive about that?

Well, it's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.

Well, could it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?

This is a drug for the world

to give worms to ex-girlfriends.

Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.

You just don't get it here.

Well, I've been working on a thing.

It's, sort of, like stummies.

Go on. I like what I hear so far.

It's exactly like stummies.

And the twist is?

It's a much bigger pill.

I like a lot. Is it ready for production?

Yes, sir. It's ready to go.

Have there been any side effects?

Yes, sir, a few side effects.

Well, that's okay,

as long as there's no flipper babies, right, Don?

Well, there have been a few flipper babies.

It was only a couple of flipper babies!

- Marv, I'm really starting to think... - It'd really be better if you didn't.

Dr. Cooper. Please, have a seat.

Look, this is just an informal chat.

Would you like a stummies?

There's some in front of you there.

Thank you very much.

How's your family?

I don't really have a family, per se, sir.

So, what are you working on?

Well, as you know,

I am working on a drug that will cure depression.

Go on.

I really don't have my notes with me.

Apparently, I do have my notes with me.

The results have been...

Very positive.

Is it ready?

Well...

Well, look, if it's not ready...

Well, it's not that it isn't ready, sir.

It's just that we have so much more testing to do.

Dr. Cooper, is it ready or not?

Dr. Cooper.

I've got great news. They're going ahead with the drug.

What?

I've got things in the lab to do.

Lots of things to do.

But, Chris, you said there was much more testing to do.

Well... people say things.

Fascinating.

Chris, isn't it a little early in the research phase

to be releasing a new drug?

Well, Simon, we can't be too by-the-booky

about this testing thing.

That's better. Besides,

Baxter here said the drug worked,

and we all trust Baxter, don't we?

- It's just that... - Alice...

Are you saying that you don't trust Baxter?

No, I...

- Chris. - What gives?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

They were going to close down our lab if we didn't come up with a drug.

Come on!

We might be releasing the most effective antidepressant ever.

- Well, it is a good drug. - Yeah, but...

Yeah! Come on, let's celebrate.

Okay, who wants another drink?

Chris? Another drink?

Alice? Alice, you're in?

- Another one? Baxter? - Yep.

One more? Chris? Gotcha.

All right, wait.

Chris, another?

Good. Good boy. Chris? Chris, you're in?

Come on, Alice. Alice, come on. Another drink, right?

- You're not sure? - Come on. Come on.

- Okay. - All right, Alice is having one.

And Chris? You're having a drink. All right.

All right, all right. Hang on. Baxter?

Hey. Hey, look.

I'm an elephant rider.

You like that?

You know, my father suffered from depression.

Chris. Chris.

I never knew that, Chris.

Hello, son.

Did you clean the house while your old man was at work today?

- Yep. - Yeah, yeah. Good.

- Did you clean under the fridge? - Yep.

Yeah, yeah. Good.

What about the gun?

Did you... Give the gun a good cleaning?

Good boy.

Holy mother, my foot!

My other foot!

Two hours later, he hit a vital organ and... died.

I never knew that...

Chris.

No, this is wrong.

We're scientists.

Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

- No. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Excuse me, the bill.

Okay.

Chris...

Could you spare five minutes?

Okay.

But, respectfully, shut the fuck up.

You're not a plate of croissants.

No, I'm not.

Well, can you get me something to eat before I chew my fucking hand off?

No, no. This is Dr. Chris Cooper.

He's the inventor of the drug.

Thank you for inventing a marvelous drug.

This is Cisco. He's head of marketing.

We were having a little jam session,

and we wondered what your thoughts were on orange.

For what?

The color of the drug. Duh.

Well, the actual color of the drug

in its non-synthesized state

is kind of a bluish hue.

Great. So...

Orange it is then?

- Terrific. - Yeah?

Okay, I think that's good.

Could we get back to work?

Chris. Oh, Chris.

It's all happening so fast.

Okay, I won't call for a week.

What?

I understand.

Good.

Something wrong?

Sorry.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I needed the exercise.

Dr. Cooper.

Dr. Chris Cooper.

I was actually coming to see you.

Do you remember me?

Of course. You're 957.

Dr. Cooper, because of you and your marvelous drug,

I'm out of the old folks home, and I'm on my own again.

I'm working part-time as a nude art model.

Doctor, I haven't felt this good since they said, "it's not malignant."

God bless you and your important work.

God bless.

Bluish hue.

Okay.

I was driving around last night in my $62,000 car,

and I'm trying to think up a name for the drug.

Suddenly, it hit me.

The name?

No, a bird. It hit my windshield.

When that happened, I got depressed.

Not you, Cisco.

Yeah, even me.

As soon as I got depressed, I got undepressed.

As I cleaned the gleaming guts of that bird off my windshield,

I thought of the name for the drug...

Gleemonex!

The slogan...

"Gleemonex makes it feel like it's 72 degrees in your head...

All the time."

The drug is approved.

Next.

I used to live on the street.

Had cardboard bum from sleeping on cardboard.

Then Jesus, lmean, Dr. Cooper,

gave me his drug.

Now I'm... more productive.

I'm a security guard...

With the gun.

Hi. Welcome to the Nina bedford show.

I'm Nina bedford.

Do you like my new outfit?

Happiness...

Can it be bought in the form of a pill?

On today's Nina bedford show,

we're talking to Dr. Chris Cooper,

the inventor of the new wonder drug, gleemonex.

Dr. Cooper, tell us about this new "happy" drug.

How does it make people feel?

Well, Nina,

what we like to say around the lab

is that it makes people feel like it's...

Seventy-two degrees in the head all the time.

We don't say that.

But we could start.

Seventy-two degrees in the head?

Sounds like L.A.

Okay, questions.

Yes, sir, you.

I want to be a scientist just like you.

What's your advice?

Work hard and stay in school.

Good advice. Good advice.

Anyone else? Yes, ma'am.

All the way up here. Okay.

How big is your house?

Yeah, Chris, how big is your house?

Well, actually, I live in a small apartment.

Next question. Yes. Yes, you, ma'am.

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom Jones?

'Cause we think you do.

Doesn't anyone want to know how the drug works chemically?

Chris, stand up and wiggle your hips for us.

- No, I couldn't. - Come on.

Ladies, don't you want to see him wiggle his hips?

I do.

Come on.

I'm more of a scientist than a wiggler.

Come on, get up.

Okay...

You don't have to be beautiful

to turn me on

I just need your body, baby...

He does look like a young Tom Jones.

You don't need experience...

Okay then. When we come back,

we're going to give Dr. Chris Cooper a complete makeover.

Okay, Chris, wiggle us out.

Soak it up, you ugly sponge.

You go, doctor!

You don't have to be rich...

Did you see that Nina bedford show this morning?

Yeah, that thing about toast fucking.

Toast fucking?

Yeah, it's the new thing where you fuck

or get fucked with toast.

No, the show this morning was about that new drug.

Must have been a dream I had.

I hope so.

Well, pitter-patter, let's get at her.

Hang on a second. I got to drain the snake.

"Drain the snake."

Lights off, asshole.

Cop! Run!

You guys stop it.

Where's my hat? Where's my hat?

Get out of my way!

Hey, freeze.

I'm your nightmare, mister. Freeze!

Freeze!

Igotone.

- Officer... - Down.

- But those men... - Down.

- They stole my wallet. - Down on the ground, sir.

Get down on the ground.

We always win.

Could you step out of the car please, sir?

It's all a big misunderstanding.

You know, like a three's company episode.

Somebody came in the wrong door,

and all hell broke loose.

Doreen.

Wally.

We didn't charge him, ma'am. We thought bringing him home

bare-ass naked was punishment enough.

Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?

Well, actually, that was your husband's idea.

Well, thanks for dropping him off. Good night.

Ma'am, I'd just like to say I don't understand how a man like that

can get up to these kind of park shenanigans

with a lovely piece of ass like yourself waiting at home.

Thank you, I... guess.

You're welcome, ma'am.

Honey...

You've got a right to know what happened.

- Wally, please don't. - No, no, no.

I went out driving.

As you know, I love driving.

Suddenly, I had to take the biggest pee in the world.

So, I saw this washroom, so I stopped in, and...

But it was full of those types.

You know, queers and queens.

So one of them tried to kiss me,

and I said, "no... no!

No, no, no, no...

No," but he just kept kissing me.

Why would he do that?

Well...

Didn't you tell me that you'd gripped him by the buttocks

and pulled him closer?

Yes, but I was concerned that he might fall.

I mean, doctor,

his pants were down around his goddamn ankles.

Doctor...

Why do those, you know, types

keep thinking that I'm one of them?

Because... you are one of them.

You are gay.

You are gay. You are a homosexual.

The opposite of straight. You're gay.

I know it. Your family knows it. Dogs know it.

Everyone seems to know it except you.

Then why is it I'm not aware of it?

It's called denial.

Look, doctor...

Are you just going to sit there

and spew psychiatric mumbo-jumbo at me all day?

No, no, no.

No, I'm just... I'm just gonna...

I'm going to write you a prescription for...

For the drug.

- The drug? - Yes.

Gleemonex. It's new.

I don't normally like to do this, but you're a special case.

Well, will I still be in "denial?"

It's to be hoped that you'll just be...

- Casey's on it. - Futura's on it.

- Robbie's on it. - Seven's on it.

- Josh is on it. - Sky's on it.

Of course sky's on it. Sky's on everything.

Yeah, including you.

- Once. Stop it. - Yeah, well.

It's made from monkey come, you know.

Pardon me?

The drug, it's made from monkey cum.

They keep these monkeys locked in a room all day, you know,

and then they make them Jack off.

And then they take the cum,

and they boil it or something,

and that's what the drug is made of.

They make them Jack off?

Yeah. They show them this animal pornography.

You know, really kinky stuff,

like two dogs making love with a cat

or, you know, a bat and a pig.

That's bullshit.

Okay, you two, out of my cab.

I don't like that kind of language, all right.

Yeah, well, you're obviously not on it.

Move it out of here.

You're not getting dollar one, you ugly man.

I don't give a crap, you stupid, slinky ho!

Is he coming out?

I hear he's too depressed to go on.

It's going to be amazing.

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Hold it.

I want to talk about drugs.

Heroin!

No, not heroin.

Speed!

No, not speed.

Hashish!

No, not even hashish.

Horse tranquilizers?

No, not horse tranquilizers.

I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy.

I just want to say...

Fuck happy!

Well, Marv, are they in?

Yes, Don.

The grosses are in.

Well?

Well, Don, I think it's important to remember

that these things are never quite as bad as they may seem at first.

I mean, the data can be interpreted in many ways

I think it's important to bear that in mind.

There are a lot of ways of interpreting the data, Don.

I think that you should just...

You son of a bitch, we're number one.

I got you, Don.

You son of a bitch, we beat penicillin.

We kicked penicillin's sorry ass, Don.

Could I have the room for a second, you son of a bitch?

Yes, Don, I understand.

We beat penicillin!

Mr. November.

He's hot.

Mr. December.

He likes it hot.

You are scum!

- Do you hear me, soldier? - Yes, sir.

Do you know what we're going to do today?

No, sir!

We're going to be doing push-ups all day,

you and me, all day!

- Do you think that's funny, soldier? - No, sir!

Well, then you will be doing those push-ups with me

lying on your back!

You are going to discover muscles you never knew you had.

Big muscles!

Hard muscles!

Oh, yes, sir!

Guess what.

I'm gay.

I'm gay!

He's gay!

I'm gay!

He's gay.

I'm gay!

- He's gay. - He's gay.

He's gay.

Did you hear the news? He's gay.

I used to be straight now I'm gay.

I think the drug made me that way

he's gay! He's gay! He's gay!

I'm gay...

Who cares?

Thank you. Have a good evening.

These are fakes. Get out of here.

Scram.

Thank you. Have a good evening.

I think that's him, the inventor of the drug.

My god, Mr. Roritor's house is amazing.

This reminds me of when I was a little girl...

Chris, can I see you? It'll take five minutes.

- Actually, Marv, I... - Great.

They're talking about us.

- Someone would like to meet you. - Really?

- Hello. - Hi, doctor.

I'm cancer boy.

And what would you like to say to the doctor?

I'd like to thank you for your marvelous drug.

Ae you on it, cancer boy?

No. There is no hope for me,

but my parents are on it, though.

They were so very low,

not just because of me, but because my brother

was born with his heart on the outside of his body.

- Is that a fact? - Yeah.

Nice to make your acquaintance.

Sorry.

That's okay. My marrow's just low.

Now, Chris, you've been ignoring Don all night.

You really should speak with him.

Well...

Each day's a gift.

Did you see?

Did you see? The doctor and me? Did you see?

Hi, Chris, come on in. I'm almost done.

Thank you, Marv.

Could you do it harder?

Little softer.

In circles.

Less in circles.

There. Fine.

Right, but more in circles.

Right.

Great. Done.

Head scratch, Chris?

No, thank you, Don.

- You sure? - Yes, positive.

Thanks, Siobhan. Good job.

Can I get you anything else, Chris?

Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?

- No, thanks, Don. - Are you sure?

What about cheesecake?

Double "a" batteries?

Land in Montana?

No, thank you.

Okay...

You know, Chris, I offer you these things,

but they'll be yours anyway, do you understand?

Did Marv talk to you?

- Yes, he did. - Good. So you know.

Know what?

That we're applying for your drug to be non-prescription.

But my drug is for the clinically depressed.

You know, Chris, you've invented a marvelous drug,

and right now, only certain people can have access to it,

and we think everyone should have access to it,

like, you know, ghetto children.

Apparently, their lives are horrible.

Did you read that thing in the times?

Anyway, you want ghetto children to be happy, don't you, Chris?

- Sure, Don. But I... - Of course you do.

There may be some papers to sign if this thing happens,

but it might not happen.

You know how these things are.

But I really think...

That was supposed to be fixed.

Come on, Chris.

Hang on, I'll introduce you around.

Everyone...

This is Chris Cooper. He's the inventor of our new drug.

Now, as some of you know,

the drug is going non-prescription, which is good.

That's it.

What's this?

This is the real party, Chris.

Where's Chris?

I don't know. I haven't seen him in a while.

- Hey, he's over here. - What?

Yeah, look. He's on this monitor.

Chris?

Wow. Who's she?

Cute.

She must be another scientist.

So, chrissie, does this mutt say, "gleemonex for pets?"

Sort of...

You know, I don't even know if he looks happy

or if he would even take the drug.

You don't like, Chris?

Well, it's just that I have this dog in my head,

and I haven't seen it yet.

Right.

I gotta see more dogs. I gotta have more dogs.

- I gotta see more dogs. - Right.

This is a dog disaster.

- I've gotta see more dogs. - Okay, terrific. I'll do that.

Nat...

- My capp is Luke. - Lukewarm, Chris?

No. Luke Skywalker, you fucking inbred.

Tasty.

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Hold it.

- Heroin! - No, not heroin.

I have a new song. I wrote it in the park.

Happiness and sunbeams

and cute little puppy dogs

these are the things that I've seen with my heart

life is a happy game if you don't forget to smile

but every now and then...

Fuck. He's on the drug.

Your fate, it harbors a frown

you suck!

Sadness is a barnacle

clinging to your bright boat

you won't let it sink your spirits

lfyou'll only learn to float

we are all sea captains

sailing on life's rough seas

come on, you magellans

come with me I've got pie

happiness pie

happy tailors happy workers

happy farmers happy girls

happy widowers happy freelance artists

happy welders happy world

happy drinkers happy thinkers

happy musicians happy beauticians

happy mayors happy pairs

happy call girls happy hula boys

happiness pie...

Pie...

Happiness pie...

Pie...

Happiness pie

the winner of the world video award

for best new contemporary song...

Grivo!

Thank you.

I'd like to thank my fan base.

We did it.

Smile, it's free.

He's the inventor of the new wonder drug gleemonex.

She's a super supermodel.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

clemptor and Dr. Chris Cooper.

Writing a hit song is a real science.

Vell, you should know, Chris.

Und now, zee award for zhe best

hip-hop, or took act.

And the first nominee is cancer boy.

- From... - Yummy.

From his new album whistle when you're low.

Chris! Chris! Chris...

Chris, I want you!

Thanks. Thank you.

I would've killed myself if it weren't for you.

Thanks, kid.

Can I have an autograph?

Sure. Can I sign along the scar?

Yeah, sure.

Chris Cooper signed my scar!

- I love you! - Thanks.

He touched me!

I love you, man.

Something's in my eye!

Fucking bird.

Wha...

Chris, do you want me to get it?

No, I'm...

Favorable.

Will one of you ladies get the door?

Hello.

What do you want?

Is your uncle here?

Uncle?

Right.

Uncle Chris.

Uncle?

What, are we going to play another game, 'cause I... Alice.

What are you doing here?

There's something wrong with little signund.

Chris, could we order some chicken wings?

Get a receipt!

What do you mean "wrong?"

He's in some sort of coma or something.

Let me see.

I think little signund's locked in his happiest memory.

I see a mouse thinking, Alice.

That's it. We're breaking up.

Alice, you seem a little upset

and... pretty deluded.

I just think that you should seriously consider...

Taking my drug.

Women.

Not you two.

I was in love with you, you know.

I can have anyone.

I'm beautiful!

We almost kissed.

So, when would you girls like to sign that form

that says last night never happened?

I'll call you!

It's all yours, captain.

Go on, make your move.

957.

957.

957?

Mrs. Hurdicure?

Mrs. Hurdicure?

Mrs. Hurdicure?

Rowena?

957?

Mrs. Hurdicure?

Cat on my head! Cat on my head! Cat on my head!

Hey, you kid!

Get away from there!

Get out from under that lady's dress!

Mrs. Hurdicure, are you all right?

Are you all right, Mrs. Hurdicure?

Mrs. Hurdicure?

Coming.

Presents!

Got to go.

- It's a harmonica. - That was lovely.

Coming.

- Harmonica. - Lovely.

Tea?

Tea?

Dr. Cooper...

Is it ready or not?

In my opinion, the drug is ready.

Don, we're...

Mazel tov!

Don, could I...

Excuse me a second, rabbi.

Chris, we're having a family bris.

My nephew's brising. We're about to bris.

- Can this not wait? - Don, we're in trouble.

What?

When I told you the drug was ready, I...

Hadn't really done enough testing.

And now Mrs. Hurdicure, one of the first test subjects has...

Gone into a coma.

Yeah, but, Chris, wasn't she an old lady?

I mean, old ladies go into comas every day.

No, Don, it's the drug.

Alice tried to warn me, but I didn't listen.

But people got to know. We got to go to the media.

The media, Chris?

What are you talking?

Newspaper, television, cd-rom, college radio?

Yes, Don, the whole kit and caboodle.

You know, I think we ought to think about it

before we go to the media.

I don't think we should go to the media.

You know, I agree.

But we have to!

Rabbi Johnson, just give me a minute, okay?

Chris, let's talk.

You know, Chris, the thing about being upset

is that, besides it sometimes being a turn-on to women,

it's not a state that you really want to be in

when you make an important decision, hke, say_.

Going to the press. Wouldn't you agree?

No, iwouldn't. I think we got to get the word out.

Yeah, but, Chris, you would agree that Paris is the capital of France,

wouldn't you agree to that?

- Yes, but... - Good.

Then we're back in agreement.

You know, the thing is, Chris, is that your drug,

it's effectively changing the world for the better.

It's important that you know that because...

Have you heard that crack is gone?

Crime is down and, oddly enough, so is tourism.

But, you know, if I haven't said it before...

Good job.

You know, and about the comas, Chris...

You know, in war, that sort of thing

"acceptable losses."

Like it's 1944, and the Germans are in France

when really they should be in Germany,

and it's going to cost a pretty penny to get them home.

And, you know, what we already know about your drug

and what I'm going to show you

is that the acceptable losses there

are really at about 5%, you know...

If that.

Now, you know, Chris,

it might be very easy here to take the narrow view

and say, "oh, my god, more coma victims.

How terrible. Blah, blah, blah."

Won't you take me to...

You know, Chris, I still think that's the narrow view.

Won't you take me to...

They're stuck in their happiest memories.

Funky town

won't you take me to...

Funky town

won't you take me to...

Funky town

won't you take me to...

Funky town

Chris, in a situation like this

I think we should rely on my experience.

Because when I invented stummies...

Fuck stummies!

And you, too, Don!

You pushed, boy! You pushed!

Dumb Baxter said the drug was great.

I said testing.

And you took away my lab.

'Cause you... Sure, I lost my virginity,

but who do you think...

You pushed, boy! You pushed!

I got to return rear window to video store.

Now this... comas, acceptable losses, late fees?

No, I don't think I will fuck stummies.

Get your finger out of my face, Don.

- Don't you touch my finger, Chris. - Then get your finger out of my face.

Don't you touch my finger!

Get your finger out of my face!

You know, Chris, I had such high hopes for you,

but unfortunately, you just don't get it.

My fucking finger.

What's the matter?

Wallace?

Wally?

Wally.

Come on now.

Not tonight. We're wearing our suits.

No secrets here, remember?

No secrets between sailors.

You are scum!

Do you hear me, soldier?

Terzinsky.

Yes, sir.

Two enemy by the wall. Do you see them?

Got 'em.

Wally, you're my best man.

Now here's the plan.

You go and fuck them, we'll stay here and masturbate.

- Yes, sir. - Go!

Now there goes a man!

Chris. Chris!

Chris, I thought you said the drug was ready.

I'm confused.

I thought you said the drug was ready.

Chris, you said the drug was ready.

Dr. Cooper, thank you for your marvelous coma.

Coma! Coma! Coma! Coma!

Chris.

Don't go to the media.

I got to go to the media.

I'd like to thank the members of the media who did make it.

College radio...

Weapons and helmets magazine...

Of course girl beat.

Thank you all for coming.

Who needs the networks anyway?

Okay, then...

Follow me!

I'm going to take you to where roritor hides its terrible secret,

the secret that I'm responsible for.

I accept my part in this,

and I ask you now to brace yourselves

as you bear witness to roritor's...

Hideousness.

Can you spare five minutes, Chris?

No, Marv! I'm going to expose the comas!

I think I can help if you'll come with me.

Okay, Marv. Fine.

Let's go.

I'm afraid it's the other way, Chris.

All right, everyone. Stay together. Tight unit.

Marv, I'm glad that you and Don have finally come to your senses

and realize that you can't...

What is this?

This is the real press conference, Chris.

The real press conference?

There's food.

Ladies and everyone,

we've been joined by Dr. Chris Cooper.

And thanks to Dr. Cooper,

we're pleased to announce that we're breaking ground

on the first often new roritor comatoriums.

And now I'd like to introduce you

to our first lucky resident.

There, there, there, old darling.

That's Mrs. Hurdicure.

What a wonderful visit we're having to roritor's new comatorium,

where my mother will be cared for, washed, and read to.

We envy her.

Yes, we do.

But we will settle for this.

A cashier's check...

For $10,000...

Which families will receive

if a lucky loved one goes to a better place...

Their happiest memory.

Wow! That's a lot of money. How pleasing.

Wait!

That's not what I invented the drug for.

I mean, does she look happy?

Yes.

Okay. Granted, she looks happy.

But people are supposed to be depressed sometimes!

We invented the drug for people too depressed to get off the floor...

Not because you missed your bus.

Or you don't look good in a yellow hat.

That's just wrong.

Tell 'em, Chris.

Tell us, Chris.

I mean, without his pain and sadness,

could Van gogh have painted all that stuff?

I know that's not an actual Van gogh,

but still my point is...

You can't be happy all the time.

That's life!

Take it back!

Yes.

You know...

Those words hurt.

But, of course, you must realize

they come from a man who's gone mad with depression.

Yeah. Unfortunately,

it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses.

People like Oppenheimer, schweitzer, boxcar Willie.

- Boxcar Willie? - My god.

And that's why today we're especially sad to announce

that Dr. Chris Cooper has in fact been found

certifiably depressed.

What does that mean again, Cisco?

Legally, he's got to take his own drug.

Yeah, right.

Marv.

Please, Chris, we want you to try and remember

that we're only doing this because we love you.

If the pill is so damn safe, Don, why don't you take it?

Yeah!

Yeah. Why don't you take it?

Well, you know, I've absolutely no problem with that.

In fact, I'm quite fond of the drug.

And if a demonstration is what is needed here,

so be it.

- Marv? - Yes, Don.

Take the drug.

Of course, Don.

Is that cappuccino ever going to be ready,

or do I have to come in there and grind the beans with your head?

Just warming it up, Don.

- What's taking you so long? - Stop staring at me.

Coming, Don.

Well, there you have it.

I've done my part, we've taken the drug,

and now it's your turn, Dr. Cooper.

Chris.

Oh, come on, Chris.

Open.

Oh, dear.

You know, it's the little things in life

that make it worthwhile.

Good coffee, Marv.

Slipped off my shoes.

So, did they listen to Dr. Cooper

and stop taking the drug?

No, they did not, goddamn it!

Today they even have parades to celebrate the comas.

And they drag out the poor bastards

like they're fucking astronauts.

I don't like the world now.

I mean, before I always knew I was a son of a bitch.

But now I'm the only son of a bitch I know.

Hey, make way for a real human being.

Get out of the way, you...

As for Dr. Cooper,

well, some people say that he joined a kiss cover band,

and he rocks three nights a week in some chicken-wing spot.

But still, others say, and I hope this is true,

that he is out there, somewhere,

working on a cure for all this stupid happiness.

All right, everyone, easy...

Easy.

Alice wait.

I just want to say that we've worked very hard...

- Yes. - Yeah.

Under some difficult circumstances...

And I'm very confident that this new drug will

unlock her unhappiest memory.

But, Chris, that's what you said about the drug we tested on Baxter.

Okay then, let's get at it.

Open wide, Mrs. Hurdicure.

That's a good girl.

Mrs. Hurdicure, how do you feel?

Sad.

- She's depressed. - Yes!

- She's definitely sad. - Yeah!

Yes! You!

- All of us! - You!

Baxter, we did it.

We did it.

Baxter.

Bax... no. No!

No, ba...

- She's sad. - Baxter.

No. No!

Chris.

Alice, we just depressed one old lady.

We got a whole world to bum out.

It can wait.

Okay, Miguel. I got a surprise for you.

So keep your eyes closed and don't peek, okay?

Okay. Open your eyes.

Surprise.

Wow! Thanks, grandma.

Happy birthday, Miguel.

You look adorable.

Let me get a picture of you.

Boy, oh, boy! This will be grand.

Miguel. Miguel!

Miguel!

Oh, no.

Come to grandma.

Help! I'm gonna fall!

So what does this whole story mean?

The only way to be happy

is to know you won't be happy every single day.

It sounds better in the original Croatian.

As for the kid, he turned out okay.

He came down in a field a couple of days later

and ironically grew up to be an airline pilot.

So there you go.

You have your happy ending.

Now get out!

Because nowhere on your ticket

does it say that you can sleep here.

Don't ask the question

if you want to hear a lie

what kind of answer were you holding in your mind?

Happiness isn't what you're looking for

but it's harder when you fear

and it's easy not to see

You can't forget that you are running out of time

what kind of reason were you thinking you would find?

Happiness isn't what you're looking for

but it's harder when you fear

and it's easy not to see

see

see

My droopy-eyed Madonna

a triple fire alarm

all the other rogues and darlings

get sent to the farm

I don't need to deceive you

'cause I feel no pain

maybe I should let you

come on and eat my brain

yeah, yeah, yeah

there's an art to perception

so see it as you will

can you adjust my reception?

Just give me the latest pill

yeah, yeah, yeah

Mother hurdicure.

Ginny.

Where's Miguel?

I thought he was with you.

Well, he's missed the clown.