Original subtitles

♪ Got me a reservation

♪ Down at the boathouse station

♪ We're goin' on the Jazz Boat

♪ We're off on the Jazz Boat

♪ Hold on tight

♪ Gonna swing all night

♪ On the Jazz Boat

♪ Think of the cats we'll see there

♪ All of the gang will be there

♪ They're all on the Jazz Boat

♪ At the ball on the Jazz Boat

♪ Swingin', swayin', holidayin'

♪ In the Jazz Boat

♪ Better not be late

♪ It's a most important date

♪ When I hear the engine pumpin'

♪ I wanna be in there jumpin'

♪ As soon as the cats are ready

♪ I'm gonna grab my steady

♪ And get on the Jazz Boat

♪ They're all on the Jazz Boat

♪ Lose my mind

♪ So long, let's ride

♪ In the Jazz Boat

♪ Better not be late

♪ It's a most important date

♪ As soon the bell starts ringin'

♪ The river will be there swingin'

♪ Bones will be blowin' sky-high

♪ Playin' the jazz in hi-fi

♪ At the ball on the Jazz Boat

♪ They're all on the Jazz Boat

♪ Hold on tight

♪ Gonna swing all night

♪ On the Jazz

♪ Jazz

♪ Jazz Boat ♪

Hey, what are you trying to do? Start a riot?

I was just tidying my hair.

Mmm, I like you the way you are.

Brethren, we're gathered together here today...

Ah, knock it off.

...to knock it off.

'Ere, didn't you see that red light you went through?

Once you've seen one red light, you've seen 'em all.

Five.

Now then, boys, we don't want any trouble tonight.

We're most gratified to hear that, my friend.

We just want a pleasant evening.

Yeah, nice and peaceful.

Yup, who wants bother?

Thank you. Keep the change.

Hello, Dad. How's trade?

-Hello, son. -D'you get the key?

Here, look, son. I've been thinking about...

It is not given to man to think.

Especially an old fool like you.

Now, look here, is that any way to talk to your own father, now?

No, I just don't believe it.

That a smart boy like me

should have such an old burn for a father.

Give us the key.

Thank you.

Oh, yes, and, er...

don't go on a booze tonight,

'cause I might need you to run a few errands, eh?

My own son.

Big deal.

And light will be cast upon the darkness!

Now, listen, look, we'd better go over it once more for, er...

muttonhead here.

Just a minute!

I don't know how you can look me in the face and say that.

Look, I don't even know how I can look you in the face.

Brethren, brethren,

let's join together in our evil plotting

and cease the dissension.

Now, look, when we get inside,

we'll hang about a bit

and make sure all the mugs see us, right?

Right.

And when I give the word,

we'll sneak out,

only gently, one by one, right?

- Right. - Here, what about me?

What do I do while all this is going on?

My life! It talks.

Wow, a living, talking doll, eh?

Where d'you find it, Spider?

He won it in a raffle.

-Ow! -I'm sorry. Was that your foot?

Oh, that's all right. I got another one.

I want you to stay here.

-And, Jinx... -Yeah?

-You're staying with her. -All right.

And remember, I don't want no-one talking to the Dell.

-Right. -Or even looking at her.

-You understand? -I got it.

And that goes for you, too, muttonhead.

Any funny business and I'll punch you right on the end of the nose.

-You do, and I'll... -You'll what?

I'll bleed all over you.

So much for humour!

Let's go, hot dog.

And remember, take it easy.

But take it!

Let's go.

- Beat it. - Eh?

-Beat it. -Here, what do you mean?

We was here first.

Oh, Bert!

Hello, Bert.

Oh, hi, Jinxie. You know Rene, don't you?

-Hiya, darlin'. -Hi, Jinx!

'Ere, you're in with a right mob tonight, ain't you?

Oh, you mean Spider's mob?

Yeah, he's been in the nick so often

he's had his own cards printed.

-'Ere... -What?

Who's the onde-ble olly-de?

Oh!

You mean the "blonde dolly", eh?

That's Spider's bird.

'Ere, you wanna watch it with her, you know!

-Oh? -They say that if you look at her,

it's the last thing you remember

-before you wake up in the hospital. -Ah!

Anyway, how you gettin' on?

Oh, I'm, er, I'm making a living, you know?

Yeah?

You, er, you ain't workin', are ya?

'Ere, d'you mind?

So long, kid.

Now here's Ted Heath and His Music.

♪ Gather up, gather up

♪ Gather on up

♪ Gather up, gather up

♪ Gather on up

♪ Gather up, gather up

♪ Gather on up ♪

Come on, baby!

♪ I wanna jive tonight

♪ I wanna jive tonight

♪ I want the whole wide world to know

♪ That I'm alive tonight

♪ Come on, baby ♪

-Come on, baby -Yeah!

-♪ Let's fall ♪ -Oh, yeah!

♪ I wanna jive tonight

♪ I wanna jive tonight

♪ I want a honeybee to buzz

♪ Around the hive tonight

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Come on, baby ♪

Would you like to dance?

-What d'you think I'm doing? -♪ Rock with me, baby

♪ Rock with me, honey

♪ Roll with me, baby

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Come on, baby, let's go ♪

Go, go, go, go!

Now!

Yeah! Yeah!

Come on, let's dance.

Ah, do me a favour.

♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock tonight

♪ I'm gonna roll tonight... ♪

Go, oh...

♪ Go, go, go

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Come on, baby

♪ Come on, baby, let's go

♪ Let's go ♪

This way, lads.

And the devil did ascend from Hell

and spread his evil across the land.

Now, remember, take it easy.

But take it.

Give me a Coke, straight.

One Coke.

Straight.

Hello, Bertie boy.

Hi.

Jinx, get me some cigarettes.

'Ere, you know what Spider said.

-He said... -Get lost!

Let's go.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a dive like this?

It's easy.

I'm not a nice girl.

And the rats returned to their holes

and not a man knew in what foul treachery they'd been engaged.

That's a great alibi.

Don't tell me, Dad, I know.

-Let's go. -Yeah.

You and me could make the most beautiful music together.

Are you just a talker or do you want some action?

Try me, baby.

Hold me closer. Closer!

If I hold you any closer, I'll be dancin' behind ya.

See what a sensation we're causing?

Everybody's stopped dancing.

We even look good together.

Watch it, buster, watch it.

Thanks for the dance, kid.

That was the last waltz, Jack.

But we were doin' a rumba.

Not here, Dad.

Yeah.

Let's go for a little walk.

Hey!

'Ere, it's a smashing fight, ain't it?

Look at that, Spider.

Can't he go, eh? Look at him punch!

'Course, I taught him everything he knows, you know?

I'd be down there myself. I've got a bad hand, eh?

Oh, boy!

'Ere, look 'ere.

I'm not staying here, it ain't safe.

You staying? Oh, you'd better get your hair cut.

Don't hang about here, boy, I'm getting out.

Break it up!

Go, man, go.

Oh!

No!

Bert!

We're gonna miss our last train.

Hello?

Push it, it's open.

Hello, Bertie boy.

Hello, Jinxie.

What's on your tiny mind?

'Ere, um... Guess what's in the paper.

- Fish and chips. - No, no, no.

-I've got something to read you. -Oh?

You're gonna be very proud of me, Bertie.

Now, listen to this.

"In the early hours of this morning,

"thieves broke into a warehouse in Hackney

"and got away with fifteen thousand cigarettes."

So?

-So, it was our mob. -Who?

-Me and Spider, we did the job. -Oh, big deal.

You know, you surprise me, Jinxie,

hanging around with a tuppenny— halfpenny villain like that Spider.

Oh, I don't know.

First time we got a job in the paper, ain't it?

Yeah, but if you're gonna do a job, do it big.

Now take a look at the front page.

"£10,000 Jewel Haul.

"The Cat Strikes Again."

Yeah, the Cat, I've read about him.

Now that's what I call making crime pay.

Yeah.

"The Cat entered the premises through a skylight,

"cutting through iron bars with steel cutters.

"There were no fingerprints.

"It is assumed

"that the raider must have worn gloves."

Yeah, go on.

"A night watchman was held up at gunpoint

"until the intruder made good his escape.

"Among the missing...

"Among the missing jewellery

"was a pearl necklace valued at...

"five thousand pounds."

Well, there you are.

Right, I've got to clear off now, kid.

What you staring at?

I know who you are.

Oh? Who am I?

You're the Cat, ain't ya?

Eh?

Leave off.

Listen, I've got a job to do, lad...

Yeah, like the one you did last night.

Eh?

-It all fits in, Bertie. -Hmm?

You left the cave about midnight, see?

Now the job here was done

in the early hours of the morning, see?

It all works in.

Oh.

Mmm.

You're a pretty smart cookie, Jinxie.

Well, I...

I ain't as dumb as I look, you know?

Oh, I don't know.

Now, listen, this is just between you and me, all right?

I wouldn't want this to get about.

No, no, no.

You know they'd send me down the river for about fourteen years.

-You know that, don't you? -Yeah, well, I won't...

-I won't say a word. -Right. Check the door.

What?

The door. Check the door.

Oh, yeah, check the door.

Excuse me.

-Right? -Right.

Here we go.

'Ere, there's only one thing I don't understand.

-If you're the Cat... -Ssh!

Well, you're making all this money,

how come you live in a dust hole like this?

Income tax. It's crippling.

Oh...

And, Jinxie,

dead schtum, eh?

My lips are sealed.

So long.

Morning.

Morning.

S.J. Electrics, I've come about the alarm system.

Oh, yes. Over here.

Now, what appears to be the trouble, anyway?

Well, you're the electrician, aren't you?

Oh, just a minute.

Some sort of, er,

-wiring diagram of the whole system. -Oh, yeah?

Oh, ta, that will be very useful.

Let's have a look.

I say, it's ever so complicated, isn't it?

I wouldn't know one wire from another.

Oh, go on.

Oo-er!

Two hours.

I wonder where my old man is?

Picking flowers or something.

He's probably in the pub, drinking himself to death.

If I'd thought that, I'd have given him the money years ago.

Here. You wanna know what happened?

What?

-Nothing. -Ha ha.

-You seen my old man? -Nah. I ain't seen him.

Never trust your father.

- Ah, you shut up. - Hey, fellas!

'Ere, fellas!

Have I got something to tell you.

-We don't want to hear. -Oh, shut up.

'Ere, Spider, you seen the paper?

-Ah, beat it! -Yeah, but look here.

I said, "Beat it!"

'Ere, Dancer, you've heard about the Cat, haven't ya?

Man, take off, you're bugging me.

Ah, there's a million cats.

Yes, but this is different.

-I know who he is. -Look, why don't you go

and play on a railway line or something?

-But I tell you, I... -I said, "Beat it!"

'Ere, you believe me, don't ya?

-Bah! -Ah...

'Ere, Dancer, you can read. Now read this, go on.

You're sick, Jinxie.

'Ere, Doll. D'you think I'm sick?

I think you're cute.

Where you been?

Where you been?

I... Right, wait, what I'm gonna tell you now...

I... I met a friend.

I met an old friend of mine.

Perhaps, I... Y-Y-Y-Y-You might remember him.

As a matter of fact, he use-used to work up there...

-You been in the boozer? -No, no, no, no.

A drop never passed me lips. Hey, go easy now.

You smell like a barrel of beer.

Now, son, easy, easy, easy.

I thought I gave you a job to do.

-I done it, boy. -What, in the boozer?

Let me sit down. Let me sit down.

Me old legs aren't what they used to be.

-Did you get the money? -I got it.

-Where is it? -Wait a minute. Wait a minute, now...

-Give it to me. -Now, let me get me breath.

I'll give it to ya.

-Yeah. -Here you are.

-And the rest? -Five pounds.

No, not that. Give me that. Give me that. Give it back.

-Where's the money? -All right. I'll give it to you now.

I got it. Here y'are.

Five pounds and ten pounds.

And fifteen pounds. That's all there is.

-You sure? -That's all, honest.

He said the cigarettes were so hot, they were...

They were half-smoked already.

You lyin' old bum.

Oh, no. Would I... Would I lie to you?

Me own son?

Fifteen quid.

We bust our guts doin' a job and all we get's fifteen lousy quid!

No!

The wages of sin are pitifully small, brother.

And you shut up with that phoney preaching stuff!

You make me sick.

I'll bet the Cat don't mess about

nickin' fags and all that kind of stuff.

What's all this phoney gear about the Cat, you idiot?

Well, I'm not supposed to say.

Well, look, you've been goin' on about it, haven't ya?

So let's have it.

Well, lea... Well, leave off then, fellas.

Oh, come on, finish him off, Spider.

I've got to get a haircut, like, man.

Jinxie needs a haircut, too.

Come on, Jinxie. Tell us all about it, eh?

-We're impatient. Don't mess about. -'Ere, well, you see... Look.

Spider, honest, I know who he is.

-You know who he is? -It's just like the papers say.

-Oh, yeah? -Really. Yeah, I mean,

-I've seen the gun... -Seen the gun!

The gloves, everything, you see...

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

You been reading them comics again.

Yeah, Superman, Jinxie, Superman.

Now, listen, I'm not stupid as all that, you know?

-Yeah, you are. -I put two and two together, I did.

-Yeah, four, ain't it, Jinxie? -And I said to him, "Look here," I said...

-Is that what you said? -Just like that, I said,

"Look here," I said, "I know who you are."

-Oh, yeah? -I said, "You're the Cat," I said.

The Cat? What d'he say, man? Like, he said, "Meow"?

-No, he didn't say that. -You know something, Jinxie?

I don't really believe a word you're saying.

Well, it's the truth, honestly, Spider.

Oh, yeah? Well, look, I'll tell you, I got a little idea. Look, er...

what about bringing the Cat down here tonight, eh?

- For a little chat. - Oh, I don't know about tonight.

I mean, he's very busy at nights. You know what cats are.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell you something else, Jinxie.

If you don't bring him down here tonight...

Yeah?

I'm gonna pin your ears to the wall.

Then we're gonna use you for the punch bag.

You wouldn't like that, would ya?

-No, I... I wouldn't like that. -Ah, I thought not.

Yeah, well, well, whatever you say, Spider.

-Whatever I say. -Yeah, whatever you say.

-Mind how you go. -Yeah.

-All the best. -Yeah.

-Mind the step. -Yeah, all right.

All the best, mate.

Well, let's get out of this morgue

and see what's going on in the world, eh?

Yeah, there's people out there!

And people have got money!

Well, then, let's go and get some of this loot.

The world owes us a living!

-You can say that again. -The world owes us a living!

And remember, take it easy.

- But take it! - Let's go.

Yeah!

Oi!

♪ Fools were made to be shot at

♪ Squares were born to be got at ♪

Spread out!

Stand back!

Look out there, Jack!

♪ We're on our way ♪

Scatter, hophead!

-Get out! -Drop dead!

♪ This is our day

♪ But you gotta take it easy

♪ Take, take, take, take it easy

♪ But take it!

♪ Easy, be on the make and make it easy

♪ But make it!

♪ You gotta break rules if you wanna get by ♪

Here!

♪ Play it cool, sharp guy ♪

Ah!

♪ Get out in front and grab what you see ♪

What's your game?

♪ Then you go through life for free

♪ But you gotta break it easy

♪ Break, break, break, break it easy

♪ But break it! ♪

♪ Easy. Take, take, take, take it easy

♪ But take it ♪

♪ It's easy to take, it's a piece of cake

♪ So, brother, out of the way

♪ 'Cause we're take, take, taking it easy

♪ Take, take, taking it easy

♪ We're taking it easy

♪ Today ♪

But take it!

Hey, Morrie!

Come on out now, Morrie.

'Ere, what you gonna have, fellas?

What about the spiral top with the...

Hey, why don't you get the top of your barnet shaved, Holy Mike?

What about this, Spider? I think...

Yeah, you'd look lovely with that haircut and that ridiculous old gear of yours.

-Why don't you have one of them? -Whaddaya mean?

Well... Come on, lads.

Ah, sorry, Do”. This is man stuff.

"Man stuff"!

Big deal!

Hello, Morrie!

Come on, Morrie, don't muck about. What's the matter with ya?

Lou! Come down here, will you, Lou?

Well, now, what can I do for you, sir?

Give us a haircut.

Well, now, what sort of a haircut d'you want?

I dunno, Morrie. I fancy something exotic.

Something like that one there.

Something to make me look handsome.

He don't want a haircut, a facelift he should have.

Oh, shut up!

Good morning, sir.

And what can we do for you this morning?

I'd like that.

-D'you think it'll suit me? -Suit you?

My dear sir, it will lift you right out of your class

and, if I may say so,

just add that tiny bit of dignity.

'Ere, cop your head down here.

Oh, yes.

Now, really, that's devastating.

Breathless, you know that?

I'll bet you wear silk underwear, don't you?

What is it, pink?

What d'you want, copper?

You know, there's something that's always puzzled me.

How d'you do it?

Now, come on, please, how d'you do it?

You're... You're always so well-dressed.

Now, look at this. That's...

That's a lovely bit of material, that shirt.

That really is, that.

Here you are, there's another one.

Marvellous stuff.

Haircuts, expensive.

Ten bob a time.

Always plenty of money to throw about.

D'you know something? I've never seen one of you

do a day's work, not one. Not one.

Now, isn't that strange?

I've tried to work it out, I can't. I can't.

'Course, I'm just an ordinary policeman

who has to work for a living.

Makes me want to throw up.

Who's got the fags?

Come on, give us 'em.

Oh.

Say "thank you".

No.

-You always were a scrounger, Thompson. -Yup.

Yes, now that's quite true.

That is quite true.

Mind you, I'm an honest scrounger,

that's the difference between you and me.

There ain't no difference between you and me, Thompson.

We both came out the same gutter.

Yeah, except that I've got the law on my side.

Now, don't you ever forget that, will you?

I got the law on my side.

Yeah. Till you get captured.

Yeah. Er, what did I come about?

Oh, I remember. Yes, that's it. Er...

I'll tell you.

There was a little job done last night,

out at Hackney. Warehouse.

'Course, you wouldn't know anything about it, would you?

- Hackney? - Where's that?

- Where's Hackney? - Never heard of it.

-Where's that, then? -Where is it?

- Never heard of it. - It's near Paris, ain't it?

Knows his geography, don't he, Thompson?

Silly thing to have asked, really, wasn't it?

'Cause you were somewhere else. Now where was that? Er...

Chislehurst Caves.

- Chislehurst Caves, that's it. - Oh, shrewd, ain't he?

Funny thing, though, 'cause that, er, Hackney job

has got your dirty little paw marks all over it.

In spite of the fact that you weren't there.

Now, isn't that strange?

I think that's strange.

Mind you...

if it's the last thing I do, I'm going to pin it on you.

You'd clobber your own grandmother

for an extra stripe, Thompson.

Come here.

You any idea how much I think about you?

Have you?

Night and day, I dream about putting you,

and all your nice little friends

-behind the wall. -Yeah?

- Behind the wall. - You terrify me.

Yes, I'm sure.

You see, spiders have got to be trod on.

Like something that's crawled out of a drain.

And I'm going to clear you all out of my manor.

Even if I have to ask the sanitary department

to come in and help me do it.

Look out!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on, please.

Come on.

This stuff any good?

Well, it's a bit late for you, ain't it?

Sorry, mate. I got locked out.

-I'm sorry. -Do we have to have all this?

Well, I gotta mend it, haven't I?

Er, couldn't I put the door on the catch or something?

No, you could not!

-I'll tell you what, there's the key. -Oh, ta.

- Is this gonna take all day? - Er...

N-No, sir. I'm just finishin' up now.

We close at six, you know.

Yeah.

Now we'll celebrate, hmm?

-Er, excuse me, sir. -Yes, what is it?

Your assis... I found this on the floor, sir.

Mmm?

-You... You f... -Yeah.

Your mate must have dropped it when he went to the safe.

My God, do you know how much this is worth?

I haven't any idea, sir.

Er, Benson... You're a remarkably honest young man.

-Yes, Mister Macey? -Oh, Benson.

Put this in the safe, will you?

-But where did... -You dropped it, Benson.

Yes, Mister Macey.

Well, my lad, I must say,

it's most refreshing to come face to face with such honesty

in these days of hoodlums and Teddy boys.

-I'm most grateful to you. -Thank you, sir.

-By the way, what's your name? -Er, Bert Harris, sir.

-Well, Bert, perhaps I can, er... -Oh, no, sir, no.

-No, no, no, no, I insist. -No, you know, it's...

Now, there's my card. If ever you should need a reference,

don't be frightened to contact me.

I'll be only too pleased to help you.

You're an honest boy, Bert.

I'm a berk.

Hello, Ted. What's on?

The old man wants to see you.

Oh? What about?

How should I know?

Get us a cup of tea sent in, will you?

You know where the canteen is. Get it yourself.

Come in.

You wanted to see me, sir.

Close the door, Thompson.

Why did you join the force, Thompson?

-Why, sir? -Was it the career?

The pay?

Or did you want to wage some private war of your own?

Afraid I don't understand you, sir.

I've had a report about you from a man.

“Barman.“

Barman?

Runs a hairdressing shop in East Street.

Oh, yes.

Seems you went in there,

pushed some kid around, roughed him up.

Kid? They're not kids...

I don't give a damn what they are.

You don't push people around on my manor.

Do you understand?

They're a bunch of hooligans, sir.

And you behaved like one of them.

I didn't have much choice.

That's not the way I heard it.

This isn't the first time, is it?

I've had to talk to you about this before.

Look, sir, these aren't ordinary kids.

I mean, they live by the law of the street and the alley.

Violence is the only thing they understand.

Seems to be the only thing you understand.

Now get this, and get it straight.

If I ever have another report like this about you,

I'll run you out of the force so fast

your feet won't touch the ground, you understand?

Yes, sir.

I know you've got a tough job to do.

I worked a beat in this district for ten years.

I know what the kids can be like.

Quite a problem.

I don't know the answer.

I tell you one thing. You don't either.

Maybe they need psychiatric treatment, sir.

Maybe.

Maybe they're not the only ones.

That bottle of hair tonic will cost you four and six.

Ooh.

Wha...

Er, hang on.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Oh, blimey, it's you.

-Hello, Bertie. -Come in.

What do you want? Hurry up, 'cause I'm in a great hurry.

Well, er, you got a job on tonight, then?

-Eh? -Have you got a job on? You know...

Oh, yeah. Er, nothing in particular,

just a little sort of bank job

I've had lined up for some time, you know?

Oh, well, that makes it awkward, don't it?

Eh?

-Eh? -Well, I mean, what do you want?

Well, I was wondering whether you could do me a favour.

Ah, well, that's all according, ain't it?

Well, you see, what happened was,

I told Spider you were the Cat, see,

-and he didn't believe... -You what? You told Spider?

I didn't mean to tell him.

-Oh, you nit. -I know.

You double-dyed nit!

I know.

Well, the fact is,

if you don't come round and see Spider and the gang...

Yeah?

-They're gonna do me up. -Oh, well, that's your problem.

I mean, you got yourself in, you can get yourself out.

Well, couldn't you come round for a few minutes?

No, thank you.

-Please. -Oh, leave off.

I ain't half lumbered.

You mean, er, Spider wants to meet me?

Well, of course he does.

I mean, you're top man at your game.

You could come round and give 'em a couple of tips, perhaps.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's true.

No, I ain't got the time. No.

Besides, it wouldn't be right for somebody of my quality

to be seen around with a two-bit hood like Spider, you know?

Well, we all gotta start somewhere, ain't we?

I mean, perhaps you could get together or something.

Yeah.

Like the time Bugsy Moran joined forces with Al Capone.

Started up a whole new empire of crime, that did.

Yeah.

Well?

Check the door.

All right.

-Right? -Okay.

Psst!

Here you are then, Spider.

Here he is.

The Cat himself, in person.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Brixton, maybe? Pentonville?

Dartmoor? I been around.

Oh, yes, I remember.

And that's mine. Don't you forget it.

Oh, please, mister.

-I got women I haven't unpacked yet. -Oh, yeah?

Well, meet the boys. The Dancer.

Holy Mike.

Welcome to our circle of iniquity, friend.

So, you're the geezer they call the Cat.

Yeah, well, that's mostly just newspaper chat, you know?

-Yeah? -My friends call me Bert.

Bert.

Nice little set-up you got here.

Mm-hmm.

I might be able to throw a little bit of business your way

from time to time.

'Ere, we got a big job worked out for tonight, haven't we, Spider?

Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, you know them parking meters... -Knock it off.

-I was gonna tell him... -Shut up!

Parking meters?

Ooh!

Well, you boys really are in the big time, ain't ya?

Parking meters.

Well, so long, fellas. I gotta creep along.

You got a better idea?

Yeah, tell us all about it, Cat.

-Speak, brother. -Go on, Bert, you tell 'em.

Well, I mean, parkin' meters.

I mean, while you're wastin' time knockin' off parkin' meters,

you could be, um, doin' a bank or a jewellery shop,

or something big like that, you know?

Well, why don't you give us a "for instance"?

Well, I mean, something like, um...

Macey's in the High Street.

-You mean the jeweller's? -Are you kiddin'?

Make not the idle boast, brother.

Anyway, we've already cased that joint.

You can't get in there. It's tighter than a drum.

Well, that all depends if you know what you're doin'.

I like a man who knows what he's doing.

You know something?

I think this guy's full of jazz.

He's the whole orchestra.

Yeah, we don't dig you, Dad.

I think he's sick.

You guys callin' me a liar?

Yeah.

What's this?

Wiring plan of the alarm system.

Macey's jewellery store.

-Looks kosher to me. -Yup.

Here, indeed, is a document of great portent.

It'll be like openin' a kid's money box.

Well, so long, fellas, I'd better be creeping along.

Er, are you thinkin' of doin' this job on your own, pussy?

I always work alone. Crowds make me nervous.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got news for you.

We're cuttin' ourselves in, Cat.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't do that.

Don't spurn the hand of friendship, brother.

I think you'd better play ball with us, man.

We'll meet here at twelve.

-Tonight? -Tonight.

Well, I may not be able to make it. I've got one or two calls.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, so long, fellas. See you around, eh?

So long, Cat.

- I think he's kiddin'.

I think he's cute.

I think he's cute, too.

What do you think, Dad?

I'm thinking.

♪ Please, darling, say yes

♪ Darling, say yes

♪ Darling, say yes

♪ Please, darling, say yes

♪ Darling, say yes

♪ Darling, say yes

♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui

S Nous ferons le tour du monde

♪ Avec mon trois mâts joli

♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui

♪ Nous n'aurons plus pour amis

♪ Que la brise vagabonde

♪ Et le sole” de midi

♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui

♪ Va, mon bateau, va

♪ Dense ton mât, claque ta voile

♪ Va, mon bateau, va

♪ Pour elle et moi vogue là-bas

♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui

♪ Choisis un peu les belles escales

♪ Et je t'offre un paradis

♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui

♪ Veux—tu le Ciel de Capri

♪ Ou les palais de Bengale

♪ Cu le soleil d'Hawaï'

♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui

♪ Va, mon bateau, va

♪ Dense ton mât, claque ta voile

♪ Va, mon bateau, va

♪ Pour elle et moi, oui, mais voila'

♪ Mon bateau est tout petit

♪ Il don' dans une bouteille... ♪

-What is it? -Well, go on, go on.

-♪ Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui ♪ -Oh, Bert!

Oh, they're lovely!

I've never had anything like this before.

Happy birthday, love.

I must have a look.

Oh, Bert, they're so pretty!

Oh, I just love them.

-What's the matter? -Hmm? Oh, nothing, nothing.

They are lovely.

-Oh, thank you, darling. -Thank you, darling.

-You didn't forget. -Happy birthday.

What time is it?

-Nearly half past twelve. -What?!

I gotta get out of here.

But, Bert, we only just got here.

I know, love. I'll get your coat.

♪ Oui, oui, oui

♪ Oui, oui, oui ♪

Bert, why are we in so much of a hurry?

I'm sorry, darling. I'll tell you outside.

Come on, come on, quick.

What's the matter? Are you leaving?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Jean. We're very tired.

Ah, but-but you come tomorrow to the Jazz Boat, huh?

-Well, another time, eh? -Oh, Bert, it'd be so much fun.

You know what I'm like on boats, love.

I get seasick walking across a thick carpet.

-Cheerio, Jean. -Hey, wait a minute.

Here's two tickets for you.

Ah'. Oh, merci.

-Oh, no. -Eh?

Oh, no, you won't. It's your birthday, isn't it?

-Oh, Jean, thank you so much. -Happy birthday.

-See ya. so long, Jean. -Good night.

- See ya later. - Bye.

Come on, baby, hurry up.

Here, Bert, you got a late date or something?

Hello, Bertie boy.

We've been lookin' all over for you.

You wouldn't have been thinking of ducking out on us, would you, Bertie?

Eh? Ah, no, fellas. No.

Er, so long, baby.

-But, Bert... -It's all right, love.

Just a little business matter, you know?

Had a bit of difficulty in finding you, Cat.

Oh, really?

Don't drive too fast. We'll get picked up.

♪ Think of the cats we'll see there

♪ All of the gang will be there

♪ They're all on the Jazz Boat

♪ At the ball on the Jazz Boat

♪ Swingin', swayin', holidayin'

♪ In the Jazz Boat

♪ Better not be late

♪ It's a most important date

♪ When I hear the engine pumpin'

♪ I wanna be in there jumpin'

♪ As soon as the cats are ready... ♪

Pull in round this corner.

-Bring the gear, Jinx. -Okay.

What are you waiting for?

Come on.

Okay, Jinxie boy.

What are you doing there?

What do you think we're doing? Open it, Jinxie, go on.

No, Jinxie, no, no.

Come on, come on, come on, out of the way.

No, no, Spider, no.

Not a crowbar. It's so crude.

Look, we've always used crowbars.

We've used crowbars for the last ten years.

But I suppose you've got a better idea, Cat.

Cor! What did I tell ya?

A genius, a proper genius.

-Hey, watch it! Mind that alarm. -Alarm?

Give us a bit of cardboard. Anything'll do.

That all right?

Very neat, very neat.

Didn't I tell you, Spider? The boy's a wonder.

Come on, come on.

Okay. Now shut the door.

Right. Gently, gently.

Now then...

Hey, look at this. What about this then?

It's lovely!

- Oh, it's beautiful. - Fellas!

- Now, wait a minute. - A king's ransom.

Look, look, look, look, look, look.

—Fellas, fellas... —Ssh!

Bert, on behalf of all the fellas, we would like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, kid. Thank you very much.

Fellas, please. No, no, no, no, no. Put it down.

What's the matter with you?

-Leave it alone. Leave it all alone. -Why?

What? 'Cause it's rubbish.

-It's, er, paste. Look, paste. -Looks all right to me, boy.

Well, Bert knows all about jewellery, don't you, Bert?

Yeah. And please believe me, it's not worth a penny. Please.

-What are we doing here, then? -Eh?

You don't think they've got their best stuff out here, do you?

It's in the safe.

Well, let's find the safe, then.

-Yeah. -Come on.

Wow! We'll never get that open.

Oh, no? Gimme that drill.

Quick, plug that in, will you, Jinx?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What you gonna do with that?

We're gonna crack this safe, Dad.

Oh, no, no.

I should've known better than to get mixed up

with a bunch of amateurs like you lot.

Now, stand aside.

Come on, come on. How long's this gonna take?

Ssh! Please, please.

I'm performing.

What's twice times nine?

Fourteen.

Fourteen.

Fourteen?

Now, come on, Cat. Look, we haven't got all night.

Ssh! Please.

Now you've made me forget.

I'll have to start all over again.

Here we go.

What's the matter?

Er, they've changed the combination.

Yeah, it's about time they changed them combinations.

- They were filthy. - You shut up.

What's the matter. Can't you open it?

I'm afraid to have to admit this,

but this thing is bigger than both of us.

All right, give me the drill.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't seem to understand.

I know these things inside out.

That thing wouldn't scratch the surface of this.

This is a two-inch steel. Solid as a rock.

Well, I'm sorry, fellas, that's the way it goes.

For what we are about to receive...

Oh, Cat!

Look at this! Look!

My life!

'Ere, buy yourself a big suit.

Look!

Here! What's that, then?

'Ere, take this.

-What are you waiting for? -Eh?

Come on!

Better not, eh?

- Come on! - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, dear.

Come on, come on.

Okay. Okay, come on.

Okay!

And the locusts did descend upon the ground

-and did pick it clean. -I know, yeah.

'Ere, Spider, what are you gonna do with all that stuff?

Yeah, like, man, that stuff's gonna be hot.

You're not gonna let your old man handle it, are ya?

Shut up, I'm trying to think.

I know a guy who could handle all this stuff.

One of the biggest operators in town.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Let's go and see him. -Oh, I don't think he'd want us

busting in on him at a time like this, you know.

But if you give me the stuff,

I could take it round to him in the morning,

and meet you fellas later on with the cash.

What's the matter, fellas? Don't you trust me?

-Where does he live? -Where does who live?

This fence. This big operator.

Oh, I'm just trying to remember.

Oh, now I remember. Just down the end of the road here.

Down the end of the road there?

This is it, here.

Give me the stuff. You'd better wait here.

Er, this may take a little time, fellas.

So why don't you go and beat up a couple of old ladies or something?

You two go with him.

Okay, fellas. I'll take it from here.

It's all right, fellas. I'll handle it.

You needn't...

Really, I can do it from here.

Guess he's not in.

Who is it?

Um... Is Moishe there?

-Moishe? -Yeah, Moishe.

Um, would you tell him Bert Harris

would like to talk to him for a little while? It's urgent.

Bert, have you gone off your...

It's quite all right, Mrs, er, Cohen.

Hold it for five minutes.

I'd better handle this on my own, fellas.

-Betray us not, brother. -Spider wouldn't like it.

Everything's under control, fellas.

Bert, would you kindly tell me

-what this is all...? -Ssh-ssh-ssh!

So, how's business, Moishe?

Oh, how's business? What business?

-Monkey business? What do you want? -Moishe? So who's Moishe?

Hold these for me a minute.

Weren't those two of Spider's boys?

Well, they're not from the Salvation Army.

Help me with this window, will you, darling?

Will you kindly tell me what this is all about?

Yeah. It's quite simple, darling.

I'm top of the Hit Parade and they're the fellas

who are gonna hit me.

Better get Spider.

Bert! Where on Earth did you get these?

I can't explain now, darling. Give 'em to me.

Bert Harris, have you been...

Ssh! Darling. I've gotta get it back before they know.

So long,babe.

But, Bert, what about tomorrow?

Tomorrow? I'll be lucky if I live through tonight.

But, Bert, it's the Jazz Boat. You promised.

I promise you I'll be on it, all right?

-Can I go now? -Mmm.

'Ere, do you mind?

No, carry on.

What's 'appened?

Well, kick it in.

-What do you want? -Get out.

-Where's little Bertie? -I don't know what you're talking about.

-Where's the loot? -I don't know what you mean.

Leave me alone.

You wait till I get that Jinx.

I'll tear him up into little pieces!

Then I'll tear the pieces up into little pieces.

[don't even know What you're looking for.

- Dirty snide. - Clear off, please, please!

Well, well, well.

What a coincidence.

What are you doing? Waiting for somebody?

-Waiting? Waiting for who? -Yeah.

Don't happen to know where he is, I suppose?

- Who's that, Dad? - Bert Harris!

-Bert who? -Bert Harris?

-Who's heard of him? -Never heard of him.

I know a geezer called Morrie Finkelbaum.

You know, I never thought I'd see the day

when someone would put one over on you, my friend.

Oh, yeah?

'Course, this whole job's a little out of your class, isn't it?

Think so?

Got a fag on you?

Be my guest.

Snap.

Now, there's no point me pulling you in for this job,

unless you've got the stuff, is there?

Mind you, er... if you could produce it,

perhaps we could do a little, um, deal.

He can't have got very far away.

Let's take a stroll.

♪ I wanna find me

♪ Someone to love

♪ I wanna find me

♪ Someone to love

♪ I've been foolin' around too long

♪ And now I'm singing a lonesome song

♪ I wanna find me

♪ A pretty little girl to love

♪ My whole life through

♪ I wanna find me

♪ Someone to kiss

♪ I wanna find me

♪ Someone to kiss

♪ Got her picture in my mind

♪ She's gotta be one of the lovin' kind

♪ I gotta find me

♪ A pretty little girl to love

♪ My whole life through

♪ She's gotta be sweet as apple pie

♪ Walking down the street

♪ That's why I cast my rovin' eye

♪ On all of the chicks I meet

♪ I gotta find me

♪ Someone to love

♪ I gotta find me

♪ Someone to love

♪ I'm gonna give her everything

♪ I wanna give her a golden ring

♪ I gotta find me

♪ A pretty little girl to love

♪ My whole life through

♪ Someone to love

♪ My whole life through ♪

Come on, boy, come on.

Hello, my darling.

Here, look, look what I got in my shoe.

-Hello. -You on your own?

-I hope so. They're after me, too. -Eh?

Yeah, I been looking all over for you.

-You ain't half in trouble. -Yeah.

What Spider ain't gonna do to you!

Yeah, I know. All right, all right.

That ain't nothing to what he ain't gonna do to me.

-Oh, ain't it? -'Ere, what we gonna do?

Well, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give myself up to the law.

The law? Have you gone potty?

With all this loot, we can retire and live like lords.

Oh, Jinxie, look.

There's something you ought to know.

I ain't the Cat.

I've-I've never stolen anything in my life, not until now.

You ain't the Cat?

Well, what was all that chat you gave me?

Ah, it was all funny. All a lot of big talk.

Well, you ain't half lumbered me.

Lumbered you?

I've been living in a dream world.

I don't know how we ought to live, Jinxie,

but it ain't this way.

You'll go in the nick, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I suppose you know what you're doing.

Well, so long, Jinxie.

I'll come and visit you, then.

Thanks very much.

Oh, er, say goodbye to Doreen for me, will you?

'Ere! It ain't so bad in the nick, you know?

My old man's been in for thirty-five years.

That's funny. I'm only twenty-three.

Watch out! We got company.

-Who? -Spider's mob.

Blimey!

Blimey!

I never did like spiders, the nasty, crawly things.

Now, come on!

♪ But his soul goes marching on ♪

All keep moving. All tickets ready, please.

Have your tickets ready, please.

All tickets, please.

All tickets.

'Ere, what are we gonna do?

We gotta get on there somehow.

Yeah, well, how?

I'll see you on board.

'Ere, wait...

-Tickets, please! -Can I come on with you?

-Allons-y, mes enfants. -All the tickets, please!

Tickets?

Yes, the Jean Philippe Quartet.

Right.

One, two, three, four, five.

Gorblimey!

Have you got no respect?

I've heard of bad living conditions,

but this is ridiculous.

'Ere, suppose they bury me at sea?

Hey, has he got a ticket?

If I had a ticket, what d'you think

I'd be doing in here, you idiot?

Come on!

Pull it away.

-Hey, tickets, please. -He's got them.

-Tickets? -She's got 'em.

-Tickets, please. -He's got them.

That's five tickets, please.

I'm a police sergeant.

- Okay. So, five tickets. - Come on, hurry up!

- I said I'm a police sergeant. - All aboard!

Hang on a minute, will you?

Come on, we 're waiting to go!

Bert! Bertie!

You two go that way.

Hey.

Like to dance?

Would you like to have a dance? Lovely!

How about a dance, eh?

Bert, what do they want?

Here you are, darling. Take those.

-What shall I do with them? -Put 'em in your bag.

There's a good girl.

Oof!

-Hello, Bertie. -Oh, come on.

Who d'you think you're bloody pushing?

What's all the excitement about?

He can't get off.

So?

Take it easy.

-Take it. -Take it.

Yes, sir, what...

Why, hello, guv!

D'you remember me?

Oh, yes. Parkhurst, 1939, wasn't it?

That's right, guv.

Well, what'll it be?

-I'll have a light ale. -Right, guv.

Well, you're not gonna pick many pockets behind that bar, now, are you?

Oh, I've given all that lark up, guv.

I got rheumatism. It ruined me touch.

What you might call an occupational disease.

Oh, I am sorry.

You on a job, guv?

No, I'm on a world cruise.

'Course I'm on a job.

Can't you wait till we get to Margate?

All this water's doing it no good.

It's no good. I gotta find one.

Hold still, brother, or I shall be obliged to break your neck.

Look, mind my suit, will ya?

All right. Once more, what have you done with the loot, Cat?

I pawned it.

D'you know any more funny stories?

Yeah, but I'm dying the death here.

And I'm gonna cut your ears off, I'll tell you, boy.

I bet he gave it to his girl.

Yeah, that's it.

You stay here, Dancer.

-We'll go and have a look for the bird. -Now, listen...

'Ere, you ain't got time to look respectable.

Blimey.

-'Ere... -What?

You don't half look lovely in them shorts.

It's a pity you ain't my type.

I was only kidding.

-Oh! -Hello.

-Dirty rotten... -Ah, no foul language, please.

Knock it off, Mike.

Oh, no! No!

Ah, well, well, we're back in business, ain't we?

Now let's go and take care of the boyfriend.

Hello.

Having a nice time?

Are you?

No, someone pinched me paper hat.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah, it grieves me to see such a pretty young miss

unescorted in this gay, youthful atmosphere.

Perhaps I may have the pleasure of this dance?

Er, no, no.

Ah, she's shy.

Charming.

Delightful.

Come on, baby. Let's go.

What's a charming young girl like you

doing in this hell-boat of vice and depravity?

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, baby, I'm aflame with passion.

Woop!

Oh, the cry of a woman for a man!

Come closer, baby.

-Ah! -Woop!

Ah, such abandon!

Oh, such passion!

If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go

to the powder room and tidy up.

Men!

They're all the same.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I was just having a little fun.

'Ere, cop this.

-What is it? -Never mind.

Look here, I'm sick and tired of you pushing me around.

Look, I'll push you over the side if I catch you playing 'round anymore.

You know, the trouble with you, Spider, is you're just not couth.

Oh, yeah?

'Ere, we don't wanna go in here.

I don't like it in here.

Never mind, I want a drink.

What are you gonna have?

-Er, two ginger beer shandies, please. -Right, sir.

It'll be no good here.

Spider and the mob are bound to find us in here.

Don't worry and have a drink.

Why, you hot?

Hot? You don't know how hot.

Oh, I don't know.

What's the matter with you?

Well, here's lookin' at ya.

Yeah, I'm looking at you.

Will you turn it in?

What's the matter with you?

- Come on. - Well, be seein' ya.

Oh, yes, you can be sure of that.

-Good bye. -Oh!

Have a nice trip.

What a funny feller.

'Ere, that was a pol... a pol...

What? Wha—Wha—Wha—Wha—What?

A politician?

-No, no, no, a pol... a pol... Policeman?

-Policeman! -Policeman.

Come on.

Now, look, somehow we gotta find them diamonds

and hand them over to the law.

Well, do we have to?

Now, don't worry, Jinxie. We'll get a fair trial.

-Oh. -Now, I want you to find Rene.

-Yeah. -And bring her down here. Right?

-Yeah, I'll go up. -Right. And hurry, go on.

-'Ere... -Yeah?

If we get a fair trial, they'll hang us.

Go on, hurry up.

Well. Hello.

Don't worry. We're alone.

Well?

Don't you have anything to say?

Like, "Help"?

-Light me. -Oh.

Do I make you nervous?

Mmm? Oh, no, I washed my hands last night.

I can't do a thing with 'em.

You know what I like about you?

You're all man.

And I need a big, strong man to protect me.

Me too.

You know, you and I would make a pretty good pair.

That would make about four of us, wouldn't it?

How about you and me going away somewhere together?

A long way away, just the two of us.

That's a crazy idea.

I can just hear Spider laughing already.

I'm through with Spider.

From now on, it's you and me.

Yeah?

Kiss me.

-Better not, eh? -Kiss me.

Mmm. More.

What's that?

I don't know. But there it goes again.

Mmm. I can just see us.

South of France, Mexico, South America.

You can? Well, look again, will you?

And tell us what we're gonna use for money.

-Here. -Whoops. Oh, no.

What's the matter? They're yours.

No, they're not. They belong to Mr Macey.

Silly boy.

No, darlin', I can't.

What's the matter?

That was the kiss of death, Cat.

Now, look, Spider, don't get out of your web.

I wouldn't want you to do anything you'd regret, you know?

Now just watch it. Help!

A joke's a joke, but... Police!

The end is at hand, brother.

Make your peace with the world.

Do you do christenings, as well?

Only funerals.

-Why don't you slash him then, Spider? -Well, really!

Now watch it, Spider. You'll never get away with it.

I've got connections, you know.

This is where they get severed, Cat.

Watch it!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Spider...

Spider...

Woops!

What's your game?

Looks as though things are beginning to liven up a bit, guv.

Time this trip's over, they'll have probably all killed each other off.

That'd be nice for everybody, wouldn't it?

Ben!Ben!

Look after this.

Oh!

Jinxie!

Bert!

Thanks.

Get off!

Stop!

We've had enough of you pushing everybody about.

Who d'you think you are?

Mind me glasses. Me glasses!

What are you gonna do?

Let me go, let me go.

Put me down!

Let me down! Let me down!

Thank you very much.

He was gonna give it to you, honest.

Yes, of course.

Now you seem to be a decent enough sort of chap.

How d'you get mixed up with this mob, then?

That's a very good question.

Oh, somebody should fix that Spider for good.

Oh, Bert, Bert! Keep out of it!

Bert!

Hi, your ticket. Your boat ticket, mister.

Here, just a minute. What's going on?

Ring the police.

-Ring the police? -I'm a detective.

Whoa!

Right, come on now!

Come on in here, then!

You'll get the biggest thrills in here!

Look out, look out for the Crazy House!

Come on in here and enjoy yourselves!

'Ere, what's your game?

Who said you could go up there, eh?

'Ere, what is this? Where are you going?

'Ere, what...

-'Ere, 'ere, how d'you get out of here? -I don't know, Pop.

Is Chamberlain back from Munich?

Chamberlain?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Where is he?

I don't know, guv'nor, but he's still in here.

Get out!

-D'you want any help, guv'nor? -Go on, clear off.

Do me a favour, will you? Get out! Will you?

Right, d'you want to go on?

No, no, no!

Stop it! Stop it!

Get an ambulance, Jeff.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, boys.

It'll be nice to see all the old, smiling faces again.

I wonder if Harry's still in the nick?

Harry. What a character. My life. Old Harry.

The four goes on the black five.

The hour of repentance has come.

Your hour'll come if you don't belt up.

-Oh, why don't you shut up? -Yeah, wrap up.

Why don't you all wrap up, else I'll belt the lot of ya.

What's up with you, anyway?

I'm sick.

We're all sick!

You can say that again.

Oh, dear.

You're a miserable looking lot, aren't you?

Big criminals, big-time operators.

Aah!

-This yours? -Yeah.

Ta. Well, here's to livin'.

What about us, then?

You'll get about five years each, I expect.

'Ere, what am I gonna tell my mum?

Eh?

He said, "What's he going to tell his mum?"

Yeah, well, of course, on the other hand,

if I charge you, I've got to fill in a load of papers.

Lot of paperwork in this job, you know?

You mean we're not going to the nick?

Come 'ere. I'll tell you something. Come 'ere.

-We got no room. -No room?

No room. Overcrowding.

Terrible problem these days.

Go on, hop it.

-Thank you, Sergeant. -Thank you, sir.

Hey, listen.

If I see you three idiots hanging around my manor again,

I'll run you in so fast your feet won't touch the ground.

-Do you understand? -Yeah.

- So take it easy. - But take it!