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Attention, audience.

We'll sing this song.

We are the choir, the movie choir!

Singing, singing, we tell you

the important things that we see.

- And who are you? - You don't know me, I'm Gabriele.

- A disc jockey? - No, I've come to announce.

We are the choir, the movie choir!

His name is Gabriele, that one who arrived.

The Pope sent him

because he wants a new TV

and Gabriele made the annunciation.

- Are you an announcer? - No, up there someone loves you!

We are the choir, the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

"Provisional results year 1980."

"Italy. Catholics 97.01."

"Previous 1976 statistics, 97.9."

"Minus 0.8."

"Protestants 0.9."

"Previous 1976 statistics, 0.5."

"Plus 0.4."

"Atheists and others, 3.2. Plus 0.5."

- What's up, dear? - Shall we take a dip?

A dip? No, actually, "love me".

"Love me tender", wash me tenderly.

I want to get drunk today.

Jealousy, it blinds me...

Hi there! How are you, Vanda?

The heart fights to chase it away.

In the chest it lights up the need to love you, to have you...

- What's up, Jole? - I'm putting the sunscreen on.

Really?

- Shall we take a dip? - I can't today.

"Previous 1976 stats, 1.3."

"Plus 0.1."

"Buddhists, 0.002."

"Previous 1976 statistics, 0.002. No change."

"Atheists and others, 1.7."

"Precedents of 1976, 1.4."

"Plus 0.4."

"Provisional results 1980."

"Italy plus rest of the world."

"Catholics, 36.1."

"Previous 1976 statistics, 39.9."

"Minus 3.9."

"Buddhists 36.5."

"Previous 1976 statistics, 33.2."

"Plus 3.3."

"Catholics, 36.1."

"Previous 1976 statistics,"

"39,9. Minus 3.9."

"Buddhists, 36.5."

"In 1976, 33.2."

"Plus 3.3."

"Protestants, 15.3."

"In 1976, 15.3."

"Atheists and others, 3.2."

"In 1976, 2.7."

"Plus 0.5."

"Summarizing."

"The overall Italian picture does not show notable variations."

"In the overall global picture, on the other hand,"

"we notice consistent increase of Buddhists"

"at the expense of Catholics. Slight increase in atheists and others."

I'm going to go.

- Bye. - Bye, I'm going to the sauna.

Joints give me a headache. Maybe because I'm from Foggia.

These cigarettes give me a headache.

Maybe because I'm from Prato Vergaio.

Why do I hug so many children?

Because the children will become the young people of tomorrow.

Who is thinking about today's youth?

What are the young people doing instead of loving the Church?

They go dancing at the disco.

- They play guitar and smoke "joins". - Joints!

- Television in the Vatican? - Why not?

Your Holiness, the Church has taken in consideration the idea

of approaching the masses, particularly the young,

but by tradition any change must be slow.

"Est modus in rebus", as Horace said.

Virgil said "Audax fortuna iuvat".

"Fiat voluntas tua."

"Deo gratias." We speak while the young people go to the disco

and smoke joins. - Joints.

Those are joints.

Ah, fresh and bubbly!

Ah, fresh and bubbly!

- Fresh and bubbly! - Fresh and bubbly.

The brand certainly matters,

but also that it is fresh and bubbly!

Fresh and bubbly.

Wait a second. He said: "Ah, fresh and bubbly!"

I said: "Ah, fresh and bubbly!"

He convinced me, I repeated his words, didn't I?

If that man convinces the Pope, he will also convince the faithful.

"Ecce homo." What's this guy's name?

- Before there was a blonde. - Holiness, his name is Renzo Arbore.

He's a very nice guy. Chest or thigh?

- Thigh. - Arbore is funny, but...

- He is a little too modern. - What does that mean?

He's one of those laymen who pretends to be on the left

and who therefore would never accept to collaborate with us.

- What country is he from? - He is from Foggia, in Apulia.

- Have I already been in Foggia? - No, never.

Isn't there anyone from Foggia here? You know how peasants are...

- It also happens in Poland. - Actually I think there is one.

- His name is don Gabriele. - One moment! Don Gabriele?

He is the person in charge of relations with young people.

He is our delegate to spy the new youth realities.

It's that priest from Campo de' Fiori!

It's Gabriele.

- I'm here to announce. - An announcer.

No, to announce that up there someone loves you!

We are the choir, the movie choir!

We are the choir, the movie choir!

- Hello? - Guess who I am.

You are Arbore. You always say "guess who I am".

Guess who's been looking for me. A big shot!

- Always questions! Peppino Di Capri. - No, more than that.

Nicola Di Bari. Bernardo d'Arezzo!

I said a big shot, Benigni! You don't understand anything!

So... Bobby Solo!

Bobby Solo a big shot? Bernardo d'Arezzo, Bobby Solo...

Who is bigger than Bobby Solo?

Elvis, to begin with. He's a politician.

He's the head of an important State in Italy.

Starts with "P" and ends with "E".

Pertine! Pertine...

No, I made a mistake. I don't know who was looking for you.

- The Pope. - Who played this trick on you?

What trick? The pope phoned me.

The Pope Pope? The Pope Pope Pope?

- The Pope Pope Pope. - The Pope Pope Pope!

The Pope Pope Pope phoned asking for Arbore Arbore Arbore.

- And what does he want from you? - He'll put TV in the Vatican.

He wants me to direct a show. I can bring whoever I want.

I've told my friends. Don't make that face, Benigni.

Now I'm telling you. Are you in? Benigni!

- Are you in? - Y... Me?

- Me... I can't. - Why?

For ideological reasons.

It doesn't matter. Tonight we'll meet at "Bettino's", the restaurant.

- Are you coming? - I can't.

- Never mind. "Hasta la vista"! - Enough with the view!

The view is enough... Goodbye.

Come on with the hearing!

Now I'm going to phone my mother.

I knew anyway that he was a friend of the priests.

Hello, Mom? Guess who I am.

No, I said "hello, mom". It's me!

How are you? Arbore called me.

No, wait, let me finish. Listen to what he told me.

He wanted to do something with me... Let me finish my sentence!

Let me finish. He won't trick me.

Want to bet I'll trick him over? Don't make me mad!

You always say that he'll trick me, he won't... Hasta la vista!

He won't make a fool of me, mom. Enough is enough.

I could hear "he'll trick you". Hasta la vista! Bye.

He won't trick me!

Dear Bettino, I have always said that you should open a restaurant

instead of doing those stupid things.

I already had some doubts when I saw the success of...

Zeffirelli made a movie about His life, it was a miraculous success.

Then there was "Jesus Christ. Superstar," the American musical.

The American musical.

The record sold very well all over the world. They also made the movie?

By the way, Benigni, you're Tuscan.

I was told about a Tuscan, a Florentine,

who sells millions of copies for a long time all over the world.

His book is about death, afterlife,

dead bodies, Hell, Purgatory...

- Dante. - No. A name more...

- Alghero, something like this. - Alighieri! What an imbecile!

Father Gabriele came, a villager of mine, I didn't know him.

He said: "He exists, there is an afterlife."

"If you make TV at the Vatican, we'll grant you salvation of the soul."

Today you have water, but tomorrow in the afterlife you can find fire.

- Sooner or later you have to die. - Me?

- So do they. I can't watch. - Why do I have to die?

- There is an afterlife. - Is there an afterlife? He exists?

Of course! Sorry, you have to... I'll explain with a parable.

If your teeth are rotting and you have a toothache,

inside whose hands do you put yourself?

- Answer. - The dentist.

If the engine of your car is broken,

you put yourself in whose hands? - Those of a mechanic.

No, but it's fine. If you want to buy a record...

- Who do you ask? - The disc jockey! Now I won.

At this point, if I tell you that you have to save your soul,

you put yourself in what hands? The hand of the priest.

- Who is the priest? - You.

- Then listen to me. - What do I have to do?

Even if you don't believe in the afterlife, listen to what I say.

After all, the song goes...

"What if tomorrow..." You have to be prescient.

"What if tomorrow, and I underline if, just in case..."

- I'm Rooster. - What are you doing?

- I have to sing a song. - Why?

Ah, you're a car valet! Rooster, please, we're talking business.

- Goodbye, another time. - Goodbye.

Before Rooster will sing, one of you will betray me.

Are we 13 at the table?

All 13 of you only think about eating!

Yes!

You only think about eating, only eating, only eating.

Yes, you only think about eating, you only think about eating.

Yes, you only think about eating, only eating, only eating.

There is a traitor between you and you only think about eating.

And now you don't realize that you have changed the scene.

You eat and don't understand that perhaps this is the last supper.

You only think about eating, only eating, only eating.

Yes, you only think about eating, you only think about eating.

Yes, you only think about eating, only eating, only eating.

We watch and tell you, we are the movie choir.

We watch and tell you, we are the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

Follow me.

We are from the TV.

Come on, guys.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Thank you. - Is the lord with you?

- I beg your pardon? - The lord is with you?

Marenco. Yes, the lord is with us. You always do that.

The TV group is here.

Guys, look at this staircase entirely frescoed!

Where are you going? Ah, she's not with us!

I forgot! Let's do a smile test.

Not like that, guys. Like this!

A smile for the Pope. No, it sucks.

Come on, guys. He who comes last has horns!

Guys, the red ones are the most important.

The red ones are the most important. Hold the megaphone.

- The Lord be with you, my children. - The lord is with us.

- Come. - Thank you. Where are you taking me?

- May I introduce Cardinal Richelieu? - My name is Renzo.

What did you say? Cardinal...

- Relative? - Relative of whom?

- The four musketeers. - Relative of the four musketeers!

Thank to the Lord, you are here.

I am the one who brought here the whole holy family. As you can see.

Do you mean your collaborators?

The holy family? It means my collaborators.

Let me introduce them. Architect Marenco, set designer.

My secretary from Milan, Silvia.

Isabella Rossellini is in charge of the foreign correspondence and...

Ah, that's how it's done! And also my PR.

- Don't you have them here? - Yes, the "sancte relationes".

Sancte relationes.

About relating with the opposite sex, we have Michel Pergolani.

He deals with women, being male.

Then we have...

I was going to say engineer, but he isn't. The journalist Fabrizio Zampa,

director of a summer newspaper called "Splashes and Spurts".

There is Carmine, Mario Marenco's schoolmate.

Then there are the musicians Otto and Barnelli,

the Flag Sisters who are "soubrettes, vedettes, cocottes".

Andy, my Italian-American assistant.

- Then there's... Who's missing? - Roberto Benigni.

Roberto Benigni, the last wheel of the cart.

He was into the movie business.

Since he didn't understand anything, we moved him at games and quizzes.

Nice to meet you.

- I see very few women. - Few women?

There is Silvia, there is Isabella, there are the Flag Sisters.

- I was going to say women... women. - Ah, women women.

Pergolani! Women... Pergolani has... How many do you need?

- For me? - No, I meant for the TV.

How many do you want? Do you want to see the catalog?

We don't need the catalog. Tell me.

How many do you have? About forty? Not all blondes, a mixed thing.

- Sorry, cardinal. - Blondes, brunettes...

- Blondes, brunettes, and other. - Red, green...

- Where are the greens? - They're the ones... not mature.

Those are things that don't concern me.

Good work and may the Lord... be with you.

Don't worry. Marenco, do me the courtesy...

Thank you, goodbye. Do me the courtesy of staying close to me.

He gets upset if you move. Cardinals see everything.

Anyway, did it go well?

On your knees!

The Lord be with you.

Marenco, come here... Even the Pope! Get closer, can't you see that...

This is the Pope's second mistake.

Last night he was about to put salt in his coffee instead of sugar.

I said to him: "Your Holiness, this is salt."

The Pope was doing it wrong.

I have assembled the council of the Supreme Securitas Ecclesiae

to reflect on this episode trivially simple,

but very, very enlightening.

Dogma is dogma and the infallibility of the Pope is certain.

An infallibility in the great choices, "ex cathedra Petri",

but a very fragile infallibility in everyday things.

He continually needs our help and our suffrage.

The Pope today

is again to put salt in the coffee.

If our humble hand

will not stop the exuberant hand of the Pope,

one month from now we will have a cabaret show

with comedians,

dances, showgirls...

On worldwide broadcast. It will be called Vatican Channel.

Mr. Arbore has sent an invitation to all the priests of Italy

to send him talented artists for his program.

It was my care to warn the priests to send him

the poorest and disqualified elements to discourage him

and thus sabotage his program.

So, as our Lord said...

"The last shall be the first."

May Heaven protect the Church.

In the afterlife...

- Do you know the words of the song? - Finally you can rest.

- In the afterlife... - In the afterlife.

- In Paradise you can stay. - In Paradise you can stay.

But if in life you sin, to Hell you will go.

- With eternal fire, you know. - With eternal fire, you know.

There will be trouble for the fools.

In the afterlife,

eternal peace you can find.

In the afterlife,

a little angel will guide you.

Why aren't you flying? Tito!

- Wait, it's not time yet... - It's still not what?

Isn't it time to fly?

I am the director! If I say to fly, you fly!

Take this hand, gypsy.

Tell me what fate...

There, I knew it.

I wonder why the bathrobes are always on the other side.

What fate will I have... Anyway I found it.

I always find everything. Tell me that...

I haven't washed in a while. Who knows why! Now I'm happy.

A man after the shower feels... He feels better.

How come I don't wash myself? I don't have time. I'm busy, guys.

I don't recognize anything.

Where did I come from, gypsy?

I don't remember which way I had come from.

I think it's this way, but I'm not sure. Let's try.

Where... am I?

But if I'm good...

Guys, get Tito down!

- Idiots! - I'm the director!

- You're an idiot too! - What? Idiot? Tito!

Benigni, don't you think that you went too far?

Where did you sit?

You went too far.

Yeah... You exaggerated a little bit.

Mic test.

Tito, come down! Don't you ever follow my orders?

- Jerks! - Come on with those radishes!

Cardinal, thank you for coming. You honor us with your presence.

Of course, you in the Vatican... Look at what the Americans invented.

After pinballs, juke boxes, gadgets. Have you heard of those?

Gadgets are games, they are things that serve to advertise.

An American record company sends this to disc-jockeys

to advertise the singer's latest record.

Look at this wonder! Look.

Julio Iglesias.

And it's not just this.

You sit down and... Voila!

I would like to see someone else in my place.

Here are the words to the song.

Here you never know what to do... It stops.

One...

I would like to see someone else in my place.

When will we Italians arrive to this? In ten years!

I would like to see someone else...

The cardinal is gone.

"Our heart suffers with that of the poor and hombre..."

Humble! Humble, Holiness!

"Humble ones who will excess the Kingdom of Heaven."

What excess? They will access the Kingdom of Heaven!

- They will access! - The kingdom of Heaven.

- If they have patience. - I have patience,

but you didn't study anything today.

It is not true, I have studied, but I didn't revise.

You have not reviewed. Then I'll give the speech tomorrow.

I wish! Unfortunately I have to do it myself.

All right. Go on.

Let's move on, Holiness. "At this time"...

"At this time of tension and of grave threats"

"for world peace, we bewildered"...

What? We believe.

Holiness, we believe.

First person plural of the indicative of the verb "to believe".

- Repeat after me. I believe. - I believe.

- You believe. He believes. - You believe. He believes.

- We believe. You believe. - We believe. You believe.

- They... - They will believe!

Come in!

- Oh, it's you! Good morning. - Good morning.

- How is it going? - How is it going? Listen...

He didn't study, he didn't go over the lessons

and above all he didn't prepare his speech.

In my opinion he is lazy.

Forgive him this time, the Pope has many worries.

By the way, Your Holiness, may I speak to you face to face?

I'm going to phone her now.

I'm going to phone her.

Look where they put the phones! They're smart.

Here...

Hello? Mom?

No! I knew it! No! No, he won't fool me!

You don't even let me talk. You're funny, you know?

I'm going to betray him this time, you want to bet?

We came out of the convent to dance with a happy heart,

to dance with the big hats, may the Lord forgive us!

We are three delightful nuns, three mischievous little nuns.

We don't like seclusion, we prefer tap dancing.

He won't trick me! Mom, you're funny.

You have a fixation! You're funny, you know?

If I tell you that I'll trick him, why do you say that he will?

All right then, he will trick me. Are you happy? Yes, he will.

No, I was just saying it to make...

I was just saying it to make you happy. He won't trick me!

We are three nuns in love all with the same monk.

But that monk doesn't like us and so we tap dance.

But that monk doesn't like us and so we tap dance.

You make me nervous. Goodbye.

What if he really tricks me over?

I can't play here, we made a deal.

- Don't scare me. - I had to be at the press office.

Now you play the drums. Everyone here does everything.

- But not at the risk of my skin. - Don't scare me, Zampa.

- What about the Vatican mysteries? - I'm new to the business.

There are Vatican mysteries. I've done my research.

I informed myself, I have my contacts. There is the Vatican fly.

- What? - The Vatican fly.

My name is Simeon and I was born in Cilicia, a land blessed by the Lord.

At the age of thirty, having come in the industrious city of Antioch,

I saw a pillar twelve meters high.

To flee the evils of the world I climbed this column

and there I lived for my remaining thirty-three years in prayer.

For this I was called Saint Simeon Stylites

for ever and ever.

You don't understand facts, if you don't know them.

If you don't know the facts, you don't know the facts.

If you don't know the facts, you don't know the facts.

My name is Simeon and I was born in Cilicia, a land blessed by the Lord.

At the age of thirty, having come in the industrious city of Antioch,

I saw a pillar twelve meters high.

To flee the evils of the world I climbed this column

and there I lived for my remaining thirty-three years in prayer.

For this reason I was called Saint Simeon Stylites

for ever and ever.

For he is a jolly good fellow,

San Simeon protects him.

You don't understand facts, if you don't know them.

From the beginning?

My name is Simeon, etcetera, etcetera.

At thirty years old I climbed on a cursed column

and I never came down again. Enough!

We are the choir of the film.

We are the choir of the movie.

Who are you, boy, that spent 400 lire to hear my story

when usually nobody gives a damn?

For this I bless you. Go, boy, go. San Simeon is with you.

We are the movie choir.

We are the movie choir.

We are the movie choir.

Next! Next in line!

A composition of mine entitled: "Don't Run, Dad."

140 per hour, I'm leaving.

The sky darkens in the evening.

I press the accelerator without fear.

I don't even stop at the gas station.

Don't run, Dad.

Don't run, Dad.

Mom already died on the motorway.

Don't run, Dad.

Don't run, Dad.

Mom already died on the motorway.

150 per hour in the night.

I left Rome at 9 o'clock.

From tollbooth to tollbooth, five hours.

I get home before 3 o'clock.

Don't run, Dad.

Don't run, Dad.

Mom already died on the motorway.

Don't run, Dad.

Don't run, Dad.

Mom already died on the highway.

A truck with a trailer, a van.

I surpass another car.

Oh my God, the guard rail is so close!

The curve, brake, I swerved and I went... down!

My daddy isn't coming back.

My daddy isn't coming back.

He's all squashed on the highway.

My daddy isn't coming back.

My daddy isn't coming back.

He's all squashed on the highway.

Dad, I told you not to run, that's what happened to Mum too!

Dad, I told you not to run!

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

"The mouth lifted from its proud metal."

Here we go again! It's "meal", Holiness. It's meal!

It is the story of Count Ugolino who eats his children's heads.

Look who's here, Father Gabriel!

- How many children did you bring? - 300 from Agrigento.

- From Agrigento? - Yes, Agrigento.

We missed Father Gabriele!

- Alpha 1? - This is Alpha 1 listening, over.

His Excellency Andreotti is in the hearing room.

- I'm coming now. - Where are you going, Holiness?

- Hello? Hello? He cannot come. - He always does this.

I'm sorry, Excellency, but Dante Alighieri is here.

- He must learn Italian. - Andreotti is very important.

Instead Dante Alighieri... Dante Alighieri is a jerk.

Listen, Father Gabriele, your fellow countryman Arbore?

I have known him intimately, he's an exquisite person.

He is such a nice guy, very elegant and tasteful.

- He's a little ignorant. - What does he say?

Arbore is not intelligent, but he is a good guy.

- Is he your Italian teacher? - Yes.

He seems to me a very strict person, severe, fair,

but he is not very bright. - He said you are severe.

- Severe? - Father, read this book.

Shall I read it? I'll explain to him...

Come. Look, I'll tell you now.

Follow carefully the basics of the Italian language.

Will you teach me the Italian language?

"Wandering through the dark forest, I found myself within a grove."

Father Gabriel, that's not Italian! Buy the vocabulary!

It's not about the word, the verb, but the substance.

This one wants to teach me Italian! Can you imagine?

Listen. Stop for a moment.

The concept is that in the woods the way is lost.

But this is not Italian!

Next!

What parish is he from?

Let me... die.

Let's all die together.

Death... Death.

Chrysanthemum.

The noise of the funeral

on the gravel of the cemetery.

No, he won't trick me! He won't trick me!

I know he won't. Want to bet? I'll trick him.

When I do it, I'll tell you, "Mom, I tricked him."

- Good morning. - Where do you come from?

I come from the theatre of Genoa, I worked with Fo, Strehler, Bene.

"Bene" means "well done", we'll say it if you'll do a good job.

- What will you perform? - I don't know...

- Do you like D'Annunzio? - That Panunzio is fine.

I want to dress all in green.

All in green for Saint John

that in the middle of the green he came to...

Miss, you are ugly, but the poetry is ugly too.

It's "The Daughter of Jorio".

She can be anyone's daughter, we don't accept recommendations.

Tell Mr. Jorio, your father, that I don't remember,

that I do not accept recommendations for my show.

In television, the approval rating goes up or down.

So dressed up, with that face, you'll lower the audience.

The rating goes up when there are girls full of life.

- I understand completely. - I'm telling you this as a brother.

There is a lack of cleaning ladies, they all want to be actresses.

Excuse me, maestro. Could I talk to you in private?

She'll try to seduce me because I am the director.

I'll be right there. We need to get on with rehearsals.

Did it hurt?

- Did she slap me? - Yes.

No, it's impossible!

Next!

What a next one!

- What's your name, baby? - I didn't understand the question.

- What's your name? - Loredana, nice to meet you.

See? You understood the question. Good, Loredana.

Take off that leopard and take a little walk.

- Wait, I'll help. - Help her.

Help her, but get out of the way. Take a little walk.

Good girl. Good job. Loredana, what are you showing us?

I mean, let us hear you.

It's a poem I wrote. Is entitled "Water Me".

"Water Me." Let's see.

"Love, when you loved me, a flower in me blossomed."

"When you left, the flower withered."

"Why don't you come back again and hold me to your heart?"

"Water me, water me, so that I do not wither."

"Use your watering can because otherwise I die."

Use your watering can because otherwise I die.

- It's very pretty, did you make it? - Sure.

Original idea of the watering can. Thank you, Loredana. See you around.

Two plus, two plus, plus and plus. This is...

- Renzo, I'll mark her. - Mark it twice!

She's good. Other than Jorio's daughter!

- Who are you? - We are ready.

- Ready to do what? - We are from Naples.

- I am from Foggia, then? - So what?

"So what" I say.

We are the choir "Sealed Lips" of Naples.

- The "Sealed Lips" choir! - Yes!

Ah, all right!

Then let's get started! These Neapolitans are all the same.

By Pallavicini-Conte, we will perform "Azzurro".

The Sistine Chapel!

The Last Judgment under restoration.

Check it out, guys!

The Last Judgment is the most beautiful painting I've ever seen.

Beautiful! This Last Judgment is almost...

Let's see what can be done. When you can help...

This Last Judgment, not to argue...

I am a being made at the image and likeness.

I have often thought about the Last Judgment. What will you do?

What will you do?

How are you going to divide them? How will you divide them up?

By categories?

There the painters, here those who put up the wallpaper.

There the unemployed, here the electricians.

Downstairs the manicurists.

Or maybe... by age.

Those after Christ on one side, those before Christ on another.

Those before you could not know what the sins were, right?

You have to agree with me because one didn't know, right? Good!

It must be a lot of work being a universal judge.

All those... They're all there.

The Assyro-Babylonians together with the Americans,

The Egyptians together with the tobacconists.

The washerwomen with... with the Phoenicians.

Will they say: "I am a Phoenician."

"I'm a washerwoman, nice to meet you."

All together, all united.

Attila meets a man. "I'm Attila and you?"

"I used to have a gas station on Via del Corso."

"What is that?" "I'd sell gas."

Pharaohs! Suppose you meet a pharaoh. "I'm a pharaoh and you?"

"I was a fullback for the Sampdoria football team."

"You were what? "Fullback. You don't know Sampdoria?"

"I am a pharaoh."

"Oh, yeah? And I am the fullback of Sampdoria."

"And I'm the Pharaoh."

"What team did you play for?"

"I'm Egyptian."

"What league was Egypt in? Sampdoria was in the big leagues."

"I am an Egyptian pharaoh."

"But what league were you in? Who was in your team?"

"I don't know. I am Tutankhamun, the pharaoh."

"What team did you play in?"

"I'm looking for... Do you know someone from the Spal team?"

"A player from Spal made me trip once and I want to meet him again."

"A certain... Squatarroni from Spal."

"I am a Pharaoh."

"Goodbye, you don't know anyone from Spal."

What can a fullback from Sampdoria do with a Pharaoh?

At the end, there will be the Last Judgment.

When He'll say who is evil and good.

At the end of the Judgement day, He'd lost His voice.

All empty, the accounts are settled

and the Valley of Josaphat is empty, in silence.

In the general silence a voice is heard.

Then He turns around.

"Who's there?"

"It's me." "Me? Me who?"

"It's me, Marx."

"Ah, the cyclist!"

"No, that's Merckx. I'm Marx!"

"Ah, sorry! Marx... Marx, the comedian!"

"Which of the three brothers?"

"No, I'm an only child. I'm Marx."

"Marx the politician, the one from 1800-1900."

"Who gave me so much work!"

"I get it, you're Franco Marx."

"No, Carlo." "Ah, sorry."

"It's been a bad day, I've been busy, I make mistakes with names."

"Dear Carlo Marx!"

"How come you stayed there, dear Carlo Marx? What..."

"I protest."

"You protest? Yes, because you convicted me."

"What would you protest, dear Carlo Marx?"

"Because..." "What have you done with your life?"

Marx tells him,

"In my life I have said that men are all the same."

"Dear Carlo Marx, I said it first."

"The same! And then?"

"And then I said that the rich are unjust beings."

"And that they had to give money to the poor to make them better off."

"This too, dear Carlo Marx, I said it first. And then?"

"And then I said that workers and proletarians"

"had to work less and eat more at the expense of the rich."

"This too, dear Carlo Marx, I said it first."

"It seems to me that you copy a little too much, dear Carlo Marx."

So Marx tells him,

"If you condemn me, you condemn yourself, we said the same things."

"No, dear Carlo Marx, dear copycat."

"You too have made a mistake."

And Marx says to him, "And which one?"

"You said I wasn't there and here I am! How about that?"

"You were disappointed, dear Carlo Marx. So we have condemned you."

Marx says, "What is the condemnation?"

"Since you said I wasn't there, dear Marx,"

"you are going to be a doorman."

"I'm busy, people always look for me and I don't want to be disturbed."

"Every time they're looking for me, you will say, There's no God."

We are the choir, the movie choir.

Singing, singing, we tell you the important things that we see.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

Another thing just happened.

He messed with a job already done.

In the middle of the sacred painting, he painted a clenched fist.

He messed with The Last Judgment.

He messed with the Last Judgment.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

Singing, singing, we tell you the important things that we see.

We are the movie choir.

Another thing just happened, he messed with a job already done.

In the middle of the sacred painting, he painted a clenched fist.

He messed with the Last Judgment.

He messed with the Last Judgment.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

Singing, singing, we tell you the important things that we see.

We are the movie choir.

We are the movie choir. We are the movie choir.

- Who's coming now? - The lookalikes.

Come on with the lookalikes!

Charlot!

Claudio Villa!

And this would be a lookalike? Who would like to look like them?

- How's the joke? - Tremendous.

- Amanda Lear! - Mhm... Juicy!

And who is this?

- Gregory Peck. - Not so much.

Now that's a lookalike! Young man, put your belly in.

That's him!

Isabella, help me.

- Save me. - I'll leave him Spellbound!

As my mom used to say!

- How come you're here? - I came to say hello.

- I threw the tunic away. - Where?

What? How ignorant! Your ignorance is beastly.

I threw the tunic away means that I left the clergy.

- I realized we got it wrong. - We got it wrong? You are crazy!

- You said that... No, no! - It's not you. Listen.

You do your job, you save your soul anyway.

I was wrong because I get it... He is there.

- Is he there? - Loud music ruined you.

I have to shout with you, the loud music ruined you.

The music, the disco!

All right, that's it. Where can I find you?

Don Gabriele, how beautiful you are!

Here in Rome in Piazza Navona or at Campo de' Fiori.

If you happen to come to Milan, you'll make me happy.

- Come to "Sforzesco Crystal". - At the station?

What station? Shit! You're too ignorant!

"Sforzesco Crystal"! Get out of the station,

go straight, straight... Pam!

You'll slam your face against it. The hippies are there.

- Let me give you a kiss. - Bye, say hello to the chubby one.

The tobacconist?

How nice! What is it?

A little object I bought in the Middle East.

- Not really in the East, middle. - Nice.

Speaking of the Middle East, since you are a person with taste,

and I would like to be very fine myself...

Where did you buy those shoes?

Very elegant indeed!

Why didn't you tell me earlier, son?

Because I used to be... a communist.

- And now? - A repentant communist.

- Another one? - Yes.

- Then also for the... for the thing. - What thing?

- Go ahead. - I mean, it's Arbore.

- What does he have to do with it? - I can't stand him.

What did he do?

I said this story about the lady, but it's Arbore, I can't stand him.

Mr. Cardinal, I have to tell you, he disgusts me, he stinks.

I don't want him around, he stinks. He does unbearable things.

My mom calls me all the time, it bothers my brain when she says...

"Hello, Roberto? He's tricking you." I feel bad about it, it makes me...

- What kind of marble is this? - An ancient marble.

- It's a good marble. - What does it do that's bad?

Cardinal, be careful. He fools me all the time.

He has got women. He always has women.

He has women all the time... He doesn't have one, he has two!

Let's say one night... He's as ignorant as a goat.

If you one evening needed to go out with a woman...

- Me? Son... - Sorry, it's just a joke.

- How many buttons do you have? - Go ahead.

One has as many as one wants. If I had one here... He has the women.

He unbuttons himself, he's always naked.

He has women and doesn't call you, "I have two women, we have fun."

- Let's move on! - Of course we're moving on!

- What does Arbore do? - He goes with two women together.

And he doesn't like Bobby Solo. What can you do about it?

- Who is he? - Bobby Solo really disgusts him.

- Do you know the song "Gypsy"? - Please...

Take this hand, gypsy girl... It's so nice!

Gypsy... So nice!

He doesn't like it, it disgusts him. He likes American singers.

- Second thing... Buddha. - Is he a Buddhist?

He likes Buddha. Speaking of religion, I said, "Who do you like?"

"Buddha, because he's fat."

He likes him because he's fat.

Craxi, the same! For the same reason as Buddha.

He voted Buddha at the election. Do you understand?

- Does he vote Buddha? - Because it is forbidden.

If smoking is forbidden, he lights a cigar. He does forbidden things.

Do you understand what type he is? Craxi, the radicals, marijuana!

He smokes marijuana all the time, he takes marijuana mattresses.

He uses vinegar with oil... Nevermind, that's normal.

But he eats marijuana with vinegar.

Did you see when he's down... Tac! He takes the marijuana.

- Do they know these things on TV? - He takes the pill!

The one for women. It's banned for men.

The pill... He takes that too.

And he brags about it. He goes, "See? These are pills!"

He pops down three at once. One time he took the whole tube.

Without... I want... Look, he's an imbe...

- He didn't feel sick? - No, he didn't.

He is a demon and you must send him away.

He say bad words.

- Why are you there? - Son, because...

I came at you, I'm nervous, but it's a healthy nervousness.

You need to send Arbore away. Have you seen the rehearsal?

Tomorrow you will see, Cardinal. Listen to me.

- You look good with this hairdo. - How can I see the rehearsal?

Look at that beautiful hair, bravo! He has... See the rehearsal tomorrow.

Can you please move? You always get too close.

- Please... - He says one bad word after another.

- You'll see tomorrow. Have cameras? - Sure, but they're hidden.

Do you have cameras? Look at that!

- You've got cameras in the... - We have cameras everywhere.

- Does the Pope have cameras? - Of course he has them.

Even the Pope? Bigger than yours?

Yes, he is short-sighted and wants to see things right.

Bigger? Look at that! You both have the same brand?

It's the same, but he sees better.

I mean, you have cameras. Who would have thought!

Tomorrow, I'll give you a call...

- Do you have cameras in the rooms? - Yes.

How about that! I'll give you a call tomorrow.

You turn on the cameras and you'll see...

- What brand are the cameras? - I think an American brand.

So I call you tomorrow, you turn on the cameras.

You'll see what that... That... Let me tell you.

You'll see what that pig is up to.

- I'll call you in the morning. - Yes, just before the rehearsal.

- Do you have a token? - Yes, I must have some.

You and I are on the same page. Can you give me some tokens?

- How many? - I don't know. Forty.

- Twenty. - Thirty.

- Thirty. - Agreed.

Thirty.

For thirty tokens he sold his soul.

He betrayed his closest friends.

We saw his betrayal.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

He warned The Cardinal of the Pope.

He prepared a pitfall.

The pitfall begins with a quiz.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

Singing, singing, we tell you the important things we see.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

We are the choir, the movie choir.

Come forward, priest.

This line is too German. "Come forward, priest!"

Let's go with the final rehearsals! Tomorrow we make our debut.

Play and skate! Skate and play!

Play and skate! Skate and play!

Come on! "Quiz group" has to rehearse.

Call Benigni, Andy, the Flag Sisters.

Skate and play!

Skate and play!

Play and skate!

Turn and turn.

Mostly play and skate!

Let's get on with the Quiz Group. Look for Benigni! Finished?

- Finished? - Finished!

Now you're going to hear the swearing. Turn on the cameras.

- Benigni! Where is Benigni? - Sorry, he's calling me.

Benigni! What do they say here? "Ora et labora."

Now work, it's your turn!

You came all the way here to call me? You love me. I feel love for you.

Can I kiss you? I would like to give you a kiss.

- But between men... - Let me do it! Let me do it.

Gee! Come on, go!

Ora et labora... And now work!

Quiz Group! Good evening from Vatican Channel.

I propose the rhyming quiz. I played a beautiful thing that is...

- The bell. - It was simple.

I am suitable to be a presenter, much more than other people.

Now I'll give you a simple quiz. You guys talk on Vatican Channel.

Say the rhyme that comes to your mind. It's simple.

Bravo. It's a spontaneous rhyming game. Be free.

Out loud, shout the solution even two or three times. Attention.

What is this thing? "Round, round, equals, equals."

"They are always talked in pairs."

"You don't need no other clues."

- "As they're called the..." - What?

Miss, you who...

"You don't need other clues, as they are called the..." What are they?

Knees!

Holy Lord! "It is spoken of always in pairs, knees."

- Did we win? - You have gained 50 points.

I'll make another one, but don't think about it so much.

Answer the first rhyme that comes to mind.

Without thinking. Promise? Out loud!

We're having a great time! Alright, watch out, another one.

This one is lit, it's a candle. Is this okay?

- It's a big candle, isn't it? - Wait... I think!

- Ask the question, I think. - How dumb is that!

- Is this okay? - That's great, that's good.

So... What a douchebag face!

- Go ahead and ask the question! - Here's the second quiz.

It's about this thing right here. "I want to make myself look good."

"In such a way that you will like me."

"I want to be liked by the mass"

"so I'll put this in my..."

"I want to be liked by the mass..."

Isabella, come on!

"So I'll put this in my..."

Face!

It's wax, from a big candle, they use it as a beauty routine.

Artists put wax on their faces.

You guessed it. Look at that ass...

- What? - Hey, stop! I got it wrong!

Who said that? It was Arbore... You said it!

- What? - Ass... I said it again!

Stop, turn off your cameras! Sorry, Arbore, I did...

I'm doomed, this thing is burning... Poor me!

I talked to Richelieu yesterday, he has the cameras on. I have to go!

- You can't leave the quiz! - I'm leaving, I said "ass"...

- Where are you going? - He's watching us!

- Goodbye! - Then I don't want to see you again!

- You don't see me again. - Are you leaving?

Always studying, huh?

Are you crazy? Tomorrow there is the show, our debut!

Check these out!

You kicked me!

I'm just arrived.

Do you hear this music? Where is it?

Quiet, please.

- Who are you? - We're jazz enthusiasts.

We're jazz freaks, we're jazz maniacs.

They call us "The Jazzmen" and this is our garden.

- The Jazzmen garden! - Yes.

There he is. Benigni!

You again? Weren't we supposed to not see each other again?

Nobody can judge me, not even you.

Why did you do this to me? I'm an affectionate guy.

Are you lonesome tonight?

Are you lonesome tonight, boy?

Are you lonesome tonight?

Maybe because now it is the hour of sunset

and you feel that something is gripping your heart.

I see on your face a mad pile...

No, I was wrong, sorry. A sad smile.

But I know that in reality

it hides your weeping.

Is it perhaps remorse? Is it perhaps repentance?

Boy, I just know that you're lonesome tonight.

You're lonesome tonight.

- Suffering? Suffering? - Beautiful.

- Do you only know American songs? - No, some Italian things too.

- What do you know? - Listen to this.

Take this hand, gypsy!

Do you know "Gypsy"?

Tell me what fate I will have.

You knew "Gypsy"!

I'm sorry for everything. Can I give you a hug?

- Darn it! - Don't cry like that.

- Benigni, the wig! - Do you have a wig?

I never noticed, you're hairless...

- Is it the phone? - They always call me everywhere.

The phone is calling me.

Hello? Guess who... Hello, mom? Yes.

No. Yes, he tricked me.

- Who is it? - My mom wants to talk to you.

Hand me the phone. Hello? Is this Mommy?

Yes. Yes.

I tricked him, are you happy?

She says she was right. I'll pass you Benigni.

- Come on, I'll play another song. - Finish "Gypsy".

Gypsy? Take this hand, gypsy.

The idea to celebrate for a Repentant sinner more than for a righteous one

is expressed in three parables, one being that of the prodigal son.

He asked for his share, he left.

He immersed himself in temptations and in the troubles of the world.

He even became guardian of the pigs.

- But he's not... - Quiet, we're on air!

- The Pope has arrived! - The father embraces him.

He decides to kill the fatted calf in his honor.

The other brother, who was a righteous man,

says, "Why so much celebration?"

Of course, the moral of the parable is...

"He was my lost son and I have found him again."

Peace and good!

Pakistan. It is still not clear the number of victims

called to Heaven by the Lord

caused by the epidemic

upon those distant regions.

A rough estimate speaks of 450,000 deceased,

all, however, of Mohammedan faith.

Negligible number of Catholics

slightly injured and all out of danger, thank God.

Geneva. Meetings for atomic disarmament continue

between the nice American delegation and the Bolshevik one.

God willing, it is hoped that the Bolsheviks

will be converted to the American thesis,

which is obviously the good one, actually excellent.

Rome.

Ilona Staller,

the most famous lost sheep of Italian cinema,

returned to the Lord's flock.

It seems she wants to take her vows becoming a sister.

Gee! Isn’t he Martin Scorsese?

Quiet, we're on air!

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

In a few moments Vatican Channel will broadcast.

The inaugural show presented by Renzo Arbore

is broadcast with translation in 37 languages worldwide

excluding Foggia. The show will be directed by Martin Scorsese!

We are pleased to announce the first episode of "Gaudium Magnum"!

Comrades of all countries,

welcome to Vatican Channel.

Ideally we shake your hands

and we all sing in chorus.

White and yellow is our flag.

White and yellow is our color.

Up, brothers! Up, comrades!

It's Vatican Channel.

It is the song of love

that we spread through towns and cities.

This is the song that comes from the heart

and that wishes you happiness.

Hurray for Vatican Channel!

Long live faith, hope and charity!

This is the song of love that makes you companions and brothers.

This is the song of love that makes you companions and brothers.

Believers of all the world, unite!

The wig!

Halt!