Original subtitles

♪ Dum-dum, dum-dum ♪

Oh, that's very good, men. Very good.

Now, bow to your partner.

Oh, oh. Uh, no, no, men.

Only the men bow.

The ladies curtsy.

Well, Dobbs, you heard the captain. Curtsy.

You're supposed to curtsy, Agarn.

I was leading.

You were leading? Ah-ha!

I was leading.

Agarn... I had my hand right like this:

I'll give you just three seconds to take your hand

off my hip.

How would you like my hand on your chin?

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

Now, now.

Men. Men, no fighting.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Do you wanna lead or follow?

Oh, actually, I didn't wanna dance, sir.

I wanted to tell you that the stagecoach

is arriving with the musicians.

Oh. Oh, thank you, sergeant.

Uh, Corporal Agarn, you come with us.

Dobbs, you... You can do the humming.

Right, captain.

Oh, uh, keep practicing, men.

Now, we've invited quite a few ladies to this military ball.

We should show them we're lighter on our feet

than our horses. Ha-ha-ha!

Well, the way Dobbs kept stepping on my feet

I kept looking for his saddle.

Well, the way you kept stepping on my feet,

I was gonna feed you some peanuts.

I'm warning you, Dobbs!

All right, now, cut it out, you two!

Yeah. Just start humming, Dobbs.

Come on, men.

I think we're going to give

a good account of ourselves at this ball.

There's a lot of natural rhythm in F Troop.

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, I'm glad it's a week away.

It'll give that compound fracture of my metatarsal bone

a chance to heal.

Will you stop reading those medical books?

Every time you read about a new disease,

you think you've got it.

Yeah, last week he opened up a Chinese fortune cookie

and went to bed with the Asiatic flu.

Okay, Duffy, your turn to lead.

Vanderbilt.

You knucklehead, I'm over here.

After all, this is the first time

that Gen. Watson's wife

has ever picked Fort Courage to host a military ball.

Yeah, well, don't you worry about a thing.

My friend over in Dodge says

that this, uh, new group from Boston is absolutely great.

Oh, I hope so. If you'll remember,

last year Mrs. Watson imported

that Hungarian string quartet.

Oh, yes, sir. I remember. The Goulash Four.

Hey. Look at Janey there

all decked out in her new ball gown.

Say, Janey, you look terrific.

Do you like the dress, Wilton?

Are you sure you're all the way in it, Jane?

Oh, Wilton, you're so old-fashioned.

I think I hear the stage coming.

Oh, Wilton, I'm so anxious to hear this new musical group.

I've been practicing a waltz with a store dummy

who's just about your size.

Here they come.

You must be Sergeant O'Rourke.

Uh, that's right. Yeah.

We're the group you hired to play

for your military ball.

You're kidding.

You're the group?

That's right, captain.

We call ourselves the Bedbugs.

The Bedbugs?

We'll give you a little demonstration of our music.

Okay, boys. Hit it.

Two, three, four.

Captain.

The boys are ready to play another number for you.

Eh, forget about it, Agarn.

We're gonna pay 'em off and send 'em back to Dodge.

But you can't do that, sir.

Corporal, the Bedbugs have got to go.

Begging the captain's pardon, sir.

I think they deserve another chance.

They've... They've got a new sound.

Those Bedbugs really jump.

Yeah, well, so do grasshoppers,

but we don't want 'em playing at the ball.

Hey, that's very good, sergeant.

Oh, thank you, sir.

But, captain, you can't send 'em all the way back to Boston

without giving them a chance.

All right. Instead of sending 'em back to Boston,

why don't we put 'em on a slow boat to China?

And get the Asiatic flu?

Oh, sir.

Well...

Very well, corporal. I guess they do deserve...

one more chance.

Oh, thank you, captain.

You won't be sorry.

Boys, the captain wants to hear another number. You ready?

We're ready. Uh... how about a waltz?

Right, captain.

And a one and a two and a...

Uh... you can tell them to stop, corporal.

You can tell them to stop!

It's too late, captain.

How about that? We were only playing in half time.

You can bet me the Goulash Four

couldn't do that.

Corporal... I don't think you understand

the kind of group we're looking for.

You see, the general and his wife

always start off the ball

by dancing the first dance.

And if you recall, he has a shrapnel wound in his leg,

and she has the gout.

Right. If they tried to waltz to that music,

they'd be in bed for a month.

I'm awfully sorry, Bedbugs,

but you'll be paid in full,

and we'll buy your stagecoach tickets back to Dodge.

Well, fellows, I... I guess the West

just ain't ready for your kind of music.

They said the same thing about square dancing.

Don't worry about us, Agarn.

We'll make our fortune on the saloon circuit,

soon as we find a manager with a good ear for music,

showmanship and brains.

I don't understand Corporal Agarn.

He really likes that music.

Yeah, well, sir, Agarn is my best friend,

but, uh... he is a little weird at times.

I know what you mean.

Like the time we were invited up to the Hekawi camp

for the Festival of the Succotash.

Yes, he got a little carried away

by the beat of the tom-toms.

I'd say it was a bit more than being carried away

when a soldier gets up on an Indian drum

and starts yelling, "Kill the paleface."

Yes, corporal?

Capt. Parmenter, under Articles of War 71,

Section 2, Subparagraph 9,

which allows a soldier to

buy his way out of the Army,

I am now so doing.

Agarn, are you out of your mind?

Now, corporal...

the last time you bought your way out of the Army,

it was for one of those get-rich-quick schemes.

What is it for now?

I am going to manage the Bedbugs.

Why are you gonna manage the Bedbugs?

To get rich quick.

Now, corporal, this is a very serious decision.

Don't you wanna take a little time and think it over?

No, sir. I think those boys have a great future.

All they need is a manager with a good ear for music,

showmanship and brains.

Welcome back to F Troop, Agarn.

You'll be singing a different song,

Sgt. O'Rourke,

when my Bedbugs are the toast

of the saloon circuit.

Well... now we've lost a musical group

and a corporal. Don't worry about it, sir.

I think I know how to get him back. How?

By arranging Agarn's first booking for the group.

At the Fort Courage saloon.

Ah. Sarge, baby.

You're a doll for arranging this booking.

Uh, yeah, well, uh, I can't take all the credit.

I mean, the captain here was a big help.

Of course, we don't wanna see you leave the troop, Agarn.

But we want your new career

to get off to a flying start.

You're all heart, chickie sweets.

Where do you go from here?

Well, we figure we'll start

dazzling the hicks in the sticks,

and then we'll work our way west to the coast,

'cause that's where it's the most.

You know, it's amazing.

Eh, you've only been a manager for an hour and a half,

and your whole personality has changed.

That's show biz, sweetheart.

Let's have some music.

Bring on the Bedbugs.

All right. All right, you guys.

All right, you guys, quiet down.

I'd better get the kids, and we'll start the show.

Are the troopers all set?

Don't worry about a thing, sir, I've, uh, tipped them off.

And, uh, those Bedbugs will be lucky to get out of here alive.

Good work.

Music lovers... At this time,

it gives me great pleasure

to introduce one of

the really great acts of all time,

making their saloon debut.

Let's have a real Fort Courage welcome for...

the Bedbugs!

All right! All right now, hold it. Hold it.

Give those nice boys... Oh, forget it.

Agarn, we gotta get these kids out of here.

This crowd is armed.

Out the back way, boys. Hey!

You crumbs!

Well, fellas,

it's certainly been nice being in show biz.

And I wanna wish you

a lot of luck on the saloon circuit.

Not us. When's the next stagecoach leave for Boston?

Not till tomorrow morning, I'm afraid.

Can we get a hotel room for the night?

Listen, if I were you fellas,

I wouldn't stay in town tonight.

Uh, Agarn, why don't you take 'em up to the Hekawi camp

for the night, huh?

Good idea, sarge. Sorry, fellas.

I guess your music is just a little ahead of its time.

Thanks for everything.

That's all right. It's a pleasure indeed.

Yes, uh...

by the way, I just happen to have

some re-enlistment papers here.

You can, uh, bring them back in the morning.

Thanks, sarge. It'd be nice to have you back.

It'll be nice to be back.

All right, column of twos! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut!

Stop the music!

Now, wait a minute, chief. You promised no flaming arrows.

Wild Eagle love Bedbugs.

They could be big hit at our Playbrave Club.

You mean that, chief?

Indians will love this music.

They can make lot of money on tepee circuit.

You're talking to the right fella,

'cause I happen to be their manager.

Then you can get lots of Indian camp bookings,

including anniversary dance

at Little Bighorn.

Boys... we're back in show biz.

That's very good, Dobbs. Thank you, captain.

Sir. Excuse me, sir. May I cut in? I...

No, I'm sorry, sergeant. The next one is a tag dance.

But we have a problem, sir.

No, we don't, sergeant.

I just heard of a wonderful string trio

over at Fort Bravo that we can get for the dance.

No, no, I was talking about Corporal Agarn.

I thought he was re-enlisting this morning.

Yeah, so did I. But when I went to pick him up

at the Hekawi camp, he'd torn up his papers.

Oh, no. Did...? Did he say anything to you?

Well, he said, "That's re-enlistment biz, baby."

You mean he's still gonna manage

them four hog callers?

That's right. The Indians love their music,

and Agarn is booking them on the tepee circuit.

I hope they don't play in front of any audiences with tomahawks.

Don't have to be afraid of that, captain.

When I was at the Hekawi camp, the Bedbugs were playing,

the Indians were dancing, Agarn was yelling,

"Beat me, Daddy, eight to the bar."

Don't you think there's anything you can do, sergeant?

Afraid not, captain. He's gone.

I'll tell you one thing.

If he stays with those Bedbugs,

I bet he goes deaf in six months.

They are the loudest group I ever heard.

Well, you can say that again.

After listening to them play at the Hekawi camp,

oh, brother, my ears were...

Oh, Dobbs. Yes, sergeant?

Finally, something's come out of your mouth

besides a sour bugle note.

What did he say? Sir, we all know

that Corporal Agarn is always getting imaginary illnesses.

So if he thought that music

was really affecting his ears...

Oh. Ho-ho-ho!

Sergeant... I think I'm going to like this.

Have you explained everything to the men?

Right. I have been rehearsing them in the barracks.

When we get through with Agarn,

he'll think he's deaf as a post.

Here he comes now, sir.

Captain, baby.

Sarge, sweets.

Dobbs, chickie.

Nice to... Agarn.

What'd you say, captain?

The captain said, "to see you..."

Could you fellas speak up?

Agarn, the captain...

Dobbs... Assembly?

How did the troopers hear Assembly?

I was standing right here,

and I didn't hear a note.

Now, please, buddy... was just trying

to pay you a farewell tribute.

Attention!

Men.

Men... gathered here farewell again...

comrade...

Corporal Randolph...

He has been a... soldier... to F Troop.

And I know... will miss...

as much as...

Hip, hip... Hooray!

- Hip, hip... - Hooray!

Hip, hip...

Sarge, buddy. Something's wrong with my ears.

Now, now. I can't hear a thing.

It must be... music... listening to.

That's right. The music.

I'll kill those Bedbugs!

Now, if you... re-enlist,

get you medical officer.

Let me sign those papers.

I gotta get right to a medical officer.

Pen in... office.

Capt. Parmenter... now that Agarn's gone,

can we all talk up again?

I just heard Vanderbilt.

Who's that waving his arms down there?

Speak up! I heard him again.

What does he mean, "Speak up"?

We don't know.

What did you say, Vanderbilt?

I said, speak up. I can't hear you.

Oh. Now I get it.

You wanted to make me think

I was losing my hearing over that music. Now...

Well, that is the cruelest thing

I have ever heard of in my entire life.

Now, just a minute, Agarn.

We had your best interests at heart.

Yeah. We were just, uh, try...

Sorry, Captain P.

I'm back in show biz.

You knucklehead.

What happened? Didn't Agarn fall for it?

Oh, we almost had him, Jane.

Yeah, but Vanderbilt ruined it with his 20/20 mouth

and his 20... 400 vision.

Here's the program from Mrs. Watson, Wilton.

What, the general's wife?

The ball's been postponed a month

'cause the general caught her gout.

I didn't know gout was contagious.

We can't worry about that now.

We've got to worry about getting Agarn back.

The... Oh, yes. Well... Maybe if I went up

and I had a talk with Chief Wild Eagle.

Without him as a backer, they'd be ruined.

If I know Wild Eagle, when he thinks he's got a good thing,

he's not gonna let it go.

Unless he found a better thing.

Wha...? What are you driving at, Jane?

I think we can come up with a group

that's even better than the Bedbugs.

Huh? Do they keep your moccasins tapping, Craze?

Huh? Are they too much, chief?

What you say, Agarn?!

I said, ain't they too much?

Yes. The Bedbugs are terrific.

They going to be darlings of the redskins.

Now, here's the way I figure it.

They're gonna finish the week here.

One night at the Comanches,

a split week at the Cherokees,

the big massacre dance at the Chippewas,

and then the Apaches.

The Apaches... I don't know.

Tough audience.

Even when they love you, they hate you.

Hey. Whoa.

Capt. Parmenter, sarge...

what are you all doing?

Well, corporal... I mean, Agarn... baby.

We just got to thinking

that maybe show biz is better than cavalry biz.

So we formed a group.

You are now looking at the Termites.

The Termites?!

We'll eat our way into your hearts.

That's very good, Dobbs.

Wild Eagle... we would like to audition for you.

Now, wait a minute, chief!

We've got a firm deal.

No deal with Hekawis firm until we cut our fingers

and become blood brothers.

Hekawis faint at sight of blood.

Chief, after you hear the Termites,

you will forget all about the Bedbugs. Hm.

Termites.

And a one and a two...

♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪

♪ And the lemon flower Is sweet ♪

♪ But the fruit Of the poor lemon ♪

♪ Is impossible to eat ♪

♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪

♪ And the lemon flower Is sweet ♪

♪ But the fruit Of the poor lemon ♪

♪ Is impossible to eat ♪

♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪

♪ And the lemon flower Is sweet ♪

♪ But the fruit Of the poor lemon ♪

♪ Is impossible to eat ♪

Uh. Well, chief...?

Termites are in. Bedbugs are out.

Kids, there's a stagecoach leaving for Boston in an hour.

Keep in touch, chickie sweets.

Termites... meet your new manager.

Ooh. You really mean you'll handle us, Agarn?

Captain, baby. You must be joking.

I got it all figured out.

Finish the week here, one night at the Comanches,

split week with the Cherokees,

a big massacre dance at the Chippewa,

and then the Apaches.

Apaches?

I don't know.

No, we demand bigger and better bookings.

How about San Francisco?

I hear they pay big money on the Barbary Coast.

I'd like to start in Kansas City.

I've got some, uh, folks living there.

No, no, no. I think we should go right to New York.

Hold it. Hold it.

The first thing is we gotta settle the billing.

Being the only girl, I think my name should go on top.

Well, I got out of the Army with the highest rank.

I play lead flute. Now, wait a minute!

I'm your manager, and I'll decide all that.

You will not decide anything!

You're working for us.

I was working for you.

But nobody is gonna push me around.

Wait a minute, Agarn. Where are you going?

Back to F Troop

where I can push people around.

♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪

♪ Play a song for me ♪

♪ I'm not sleepy ♪

♪ And there ain't no place I'm going to ♪

♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪

♪ Play a song for me ♪

♪ In this jingle jangle Morning ♪

♪ I'll come following you ♪

♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪

♪ Play a song for me I'm not sleepy ♪

♪ And there ain't no place I'm going to ♪

♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪

♪ Play a song for me ♪

♪ In this jingle jangle Morning ♪

♪ I'll come following you ♪

For the last time, men!

Shoot! Agarn.

Will you please get out

from in front of the cannon?

You could get hurt, Agarn.

Oh, I don't wanna get hurt, Dobbs.

I wanna die!

Agarn, are you out of your mind?

For the last time, Duffy, fire! That's an order!

Corporal, what is the matter with you?

Well, sir, I just got this letter.

You're not the first soldier

ever to be dropped by a girl.

What girl?! This is from the Bedbugs.

Oh, that musical group you were gonna manage?

That's right, captain. They're in England.

They were a big hit in Liverpool,

a smash in London.

They gave a command performance for the queen.

And now it looks like they're gonna be knighted. Ho-ho.

Yeah, well, that's show biz, baby.

Fire! Fire!