Original subtitles

Now, I want you to pay attention, Agarn.

Gonna teach you something about battle tactics. Ahem.

There is the main body of my army, you got it?

Right.

Now, the enemy comes up with the infantry

on a frontal attack.

- You got that, right? - Sarge.

Would you pass the infantry?

Oh, all right.

Now they come around on my flank

with their cavalry, you see?

Are you paying attention? Yeah, sarge.

Pass the cavalry.

Agarn, I'm trying to teach you something.

Captain, sir,

if you were the enemy, what would be your next move?

Captain... Aah! Aah!

He just wiped out your whole army.

Is, uh, something wrong, sir?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

I guess I'd better let you men in on it.

I've just received a communiqué

from the War Department. Mm-hm.

Hush-hush, sir? Top hush.

What'd it say?

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

How does your garden grow?

Shhh.

Captain, you must have opened up the wrong envelope.

Your name ain't Mary. Agarn, that's code.

When you decoded the message, sir,

what did it say?

Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet.

C-captain?

That's War Department lingo for "be on the lookout for...

spies."

Spies?! BOTH: Aah!

Let's get out of here.

It's not just spies.

We have to be on the alert

for any suspicious characters.

He... Well, captain, take it from me,

there are no suspicious characters

around Fort Courage.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Uh, I mean, howdy.

I am Count Sforza from Transylvania.

I'm Jane Angelica Thrift from... right here.

Is there something I can do for you, count?

Yes.

As we say in Transylvania:

What does that mean?

Please, may I look around?

Sure.

Jane.

I'm sorry, Jane.

I'm not usually this clumsy.

That's all right, Wilton.

I... I guess I've been on edge ever since that...

That weird-looking stranger came to town.

Have you seen him?

He looks like a bat.

I'd sure hate to have him

creep up behind me on a dark night.

Good evening. Good evening.

I am Count Sforza.

I'm, uh... We, w...

I'm, uh, Captain Parmenter, commanding the fort.

Oh, how inconsiderate of me.

I forgot to introduce you to my brother.

Is he here too?

No, no. This is my brother.

Brother, meet Miss Thrift

and Captain Parmenter.

How do you do?

I have just rented the old Worthington house

at the edge of town.

The Worthington house?

Why, they say that's haunted.

It's exactly what I was looking for.

Have you decided on, uh, what you want yet, count?

Yes, yes.

I would like, uh, a keg of nails

and four large pine slabs,

two sacks of plaster,

and 20 yards of black crepe.

Do you deliver, my dear?

Yes.

Thank you. You are most charming.

Thanks.

You have charming hair.

Charming eyes.

Charming mouth.

Charming neck.

Wilton, that man gives me the shivers.

Don't you worry, Jane, I am here to protect you.

I tell you, I saw it with my own eyes.

Agarn, what's holding things up?

Aw, Vanderbilt's been telling us about that stranger.

Ah, well, don't believe all those stupid rumors.

I didn't put no stock in it, sarge.

Do you wanna really hear something?

I hear he's been doing

some very strange window-shopping.

What's strange about window-shopping?

He's been doing it in front of the undertaker's.

Come on, sarge! You can't scare me.

Good evening.

But he can.

Mister,

why do you always say "good evening"

when it's afternoon?

Goodness gracious,

I must have forgot to wind my watch.

I am Count Sforza from Transylvania.

Just passing through?

Do you know the old Worthington house?

That creepy, gloomy, haunted, spooky old place?

I just rented it. You'll love it.

Yeah, but don't expect too many visitors.

You have a little scratch on your throat.

Yeah, I... nicked myself shaving.

You must be more careful.

I know. In Transylvania, we have a saying:

What's that mean?

Don't waste blood.

Yes, sir. Good thinking, sir.

Uh, captain, sir, any new developments

on Count Sforza?

As a matter of fact,

I was just making some plans for this...

Allow me, sir.

There you are, sir.

Thank you, corporal. There's just one thing.

What's that, sir?

I was trying to put it on.

Oh, did you...? About Count Sforza, sir.

Oh, yes, yes. I was making plans

for the security of the fort,

in case he is a spy.

Well, I have a theory.

Everyone's gonna say it's ridiculous.

Oh, no, we won't, corporal.

Why, in F Troop, we value every man's opinion.

Well, sir... I think Count Sforza is a...

A vampire.

That's ridiculous.

I've been reading up on vampires, sir,

and it all fits.

Transylvania. The black cape.

The haunted house.

The bird brother. The neck.

Now, now, corporal. Get ahold of yourself.

There are no such things as vampires.

Are you sure, sir?

They're not mentioned in the Army manual.

Come on, Agarn.

All you need is a good night's sleep.

Sarge.

Sarge.

Sarge.

It says here that vampires

come out of their coffins at night

and bite people on the neck.

Agarn, will you go to sleep.

I can't, sarge. I'm scared.

Go to sleep!

What if I blow out the candle

and Sforza comes in here

and creeps up on me, and:

Good evening?

Agarn, cut that out.

It says right there in the book

that vampires only come out at night, right, huh?

Yeah.

Well, Count Sforza comes out in the daytime,

so that should prove he is not a vampire, right?

Well, what if he's a vampire with...

With insomnia?

Go to sleep.

Agarn, put out the light.

Wanna play cards?

No, I don't wanna play cards.

Checkers? Cribbage? Whist?

You don't know how to play whist.

I do too.

I'm the fastest whist in the West.

Good night!

Oh, boy. Now what?

Can I have a drink of water?

No, you can't have a drink of water

until in the morning.

Why can't I have it now?

If you have a drink of water now

and Count Sforza comes in and bites you in the neck,

you'll leak.

Go to sleep.

Now, that's what I call a paleface.

I am Count Sforza from Transylvania.

Me find him sneaking around camp.

I was not sneaking.

I was merely looking

for some wolfberries for my dinner.

He set funny table.

We not like strangers prowling around camp.

Next time, throw lance first, ask questions later.

We have old Transylvania saying:

What that mean?

When the light of the full moon

bathes the mountains,

then the wild dog will howl,

but the castle is dark.

You stealed saying from Hekawi.

This must be paleface visiting hour.

Here come O'Rourke and Agarn.

Good evening.

He forgot to wind his watch again.

What's he doing here?

I was picking wolfberries to make wolfberry pie.

- You can go now. - Thank you.

Thank you for your hospitality.

I will save you a piece.

Never mind.

Every time me eat wolfberry pie,

stomach howl all night.

We came to warn you about him.

Him seem harmless.

Just don't make him a blood brother.

Howdy, Wilton.

Oh, hello, Jane.

I'm going out to the Worthington house

to deliver Count Sforza's supplies.

Wanna come along?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, Jane,

but Dobbs and I are taking inventory.

But our date's still on for tonight.

All right.

Pick me up at the store.

You should have gone with her, captain.

Oh, no, no, no.

Jane can take care of herself.

Now, where were we, Dobbs?

Up to postage stamps, sir.

Oh, yes, yes.

Here, um... I'll count them.

See, there's... Uh... Um... There's one.

Jane?

Jane!

"Be back at 4:00."

Four o'clock?

Maybe Dobbs was right.

I should have gone with her.

I still say we didn't have to come.

We could have wrote a threatening letter.

Listen, Jane could be in trouble.

She was last seen heading for here.

Sergeant, please. Don't say "last seen."

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, here goes.

Nobody home? Let's go.

Wait, wait.

All right.

We'll take a look inside.

Sarge, don't leave me.

Who's there?

It's me, the captain.

Captain who?

Agarn, let him in.

Somebody light a candle.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Here we are.

There.

Sarge, hold that candle still.

Thank you, sir.

Now, let's have a look around,

see what this place looks like, huh?

Jane?

Jane.

Jane!

Jane!

J-J-J-Jane?

J-J-J-Jane? Jane?

Was that Jane? What?

Probably just a shutter blowing closed, yeah.

"Probably" ain't good enough.

It's coming from in there.

Come on, we'll have a look.

Nobody here.

Anybody who plays that bad shouldn't stick around.

I'd better check upstairs.

You two stay here in case the count comes back.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Good luck, sir.

Oh!

In case Count Sforza comes back,

you better do all the talking,

'cause I'm gonna faint.

You still got vampires on the brain, huh?

Jane disappeared into thin air, didn't she?

What does it take to convince you, sarge?

Sarge?

Sarge?

Where are you, sarge?

Sarge?

Sarge?

Sarge?

Jane?

Jane.

Shhh.

Ooh!

Ow.

Agarn?

Agarn?

Sarge?

Sarge?

Sarge?

Gesundheit.

Captain?

Oh, captain, my captain.

He turned his brother into a crow,

and now he's turned you into a chicken.

But don't you worry, sir.

We'll always be loyal.

From now on, the F in F Troop

will always stand for fowl.

And you'll always be the commanding chicken...

at the fort.

Congratulations, captain.

You're a mother.

Agarn? Sarge!

Don't raise your voice in front of the chicken.

Have you popped your cork?

The chicken will hear you.

Well, what do I care if the chicken hears me?

Do you wanna lose your stripes?

What? Give him a salute.

Who? The chicken.

Agarn.

Sarge, that chicken ain't really a chicken.

That's the captain.

Count Sforza changed him.

Agarn, that is a chicken and nothing else.

Now, the captain's probably upstairs.

Come on.

Good evening.

What do we do now? Uh...

We gotta drive a stake right through his heart.

It's the only way. What are you talking about?

It's the only way to kill a vampire.

I read it in a book.

What are you doing in my house?

We're gonna take care of the vampire

who took care of Jane.

You are trespassing, my friends.

Be careful. Agarn has got a stake.

It's the only way to deal with vampires.

He read it in a book.

Howdy, Wilton.

Oh, hi, Jane.

What's going on?

Agarn's going to destroy the vampire

who made you disappear.

Jane?

Where have you been?

In Carson City.

I didn't have enough black crepe,

so I had to get some more.

We thought the vampire got you.

What vampire?

Who said that I was a vampire?

Where I come from in Transylvania,

I was the only one on my block who was not a vampire.

No, I had to move because I was giving my neighborhood a...

A good reputation.

And you're not a spy either?

No, I come here to Fort Courage

to live in peace and freedom

and to have a little place of my own

where I could raise chickens.

Then why did you arrive in a hearse?

Because it was the only means of transportation

that I could find.

Tell them why you rented this haunted house.

It was cheap. And it's not haunted.

Oh, it does have a secret passageway, yes,

but that was built by the former owner

as an escape route for his family

during the Indian Wars.

What about the crow you call brother?

But that's his name: Brother.

And he is like a brother to me because...

Well, you see, I was an only child,

and he was an only crow.

Now, aren't you boys ashamed of yourselves?

What was that?

If you don't know, we'd better find out.

It's Brother.

Yes.

I knew that Brother couldn't sing,

but I never dreamed

that he could play the organ.

Well, it just shows you how you can misjudge a person.

Yeah, that'll teach us not to go by appearances, sir.

Now. Now, you take that man.

If we hadn't learned our lesson,

I would say that that man was a spy.

Yeah, I would too, sir. Or even an anarchist.

Yeah, but now we know better.

Pardon me.

Oh, sir!

Sir, you dropped your bomb.

Bomb!