Original subtitles

Vanderbilt, you're dead.

But, Agarn, I didn't even see you.

Well, now, that's the way it goes in the war-games game.

Aw, gee, Agarn.

Now, Vanderbilt, be a brave little soldier and lie down.

I'm outta the game before it even started.

Now, don't argue.

Good work, Running Deer Who Goes Swift Like Rabbit

With Thorn in Cottontail.

Thank you, Big Chief Big Bear.

Now, Little Skunk, you and the other braves...

Captain. Yes, Dobbs?

I'd like to change my name.

Dobbs, I gave you that name, and that is that.

Why should you be Running Deer and me Little Skunk?

Actually, I'm much faster than you are.

But I smell better than you, Dobbs.

Now, now, men. Let's not argue about names.

Now, we've got a chance to surprise the troopers

and win these war games.

The captain's right.

Now, men, follow me. And let's whoop it up.

Hey, they got through the gate, men.

Fan out.

I got you, Duffy. You're dead.

Who's dead? I knew you were there.

Bang, bang!

Come on, Duffy. You gotta lie down and play dead.

Make me.

Duddleson,

watch out for that Indian up on the roof.

Bang, bang. You're dead, Agarn.

Sarge, that was a lucky shot.

You didn't know an Indian was sneaking up on you.

No, I thought it was an elephant.

I could've got you with my tomahawk.

Look, let's face it, I got the drop on you.

Now you're dead. Lay down, that's an order.

Me Running Dear. Me only take orders from Big Chief Big Bear.

You're asking for it, Agarn.

Ohhh!

Men, men, men...

Now, hold it. Now, it's only a game.

You've gotta stop this.

Hau, sergeant. Hau.

We got the whole fort captured, chief,

but these guys won't admit it.

Actually, sergeant, I think the war games were about a draw.

And since we're a peace-loving tribe,

we're willing to negotiate a treaty.

It takes a big man to do a big thing like that.

That's why we call him Big Chief Big Bear.

Thank you, Running Deer Who Goes Swift Like Rabbit

With Thorn in Cottontail.

That's your Indian name?

My friends call me Deer.

You'll never guess in a million years

what they named me, sarge.

Little Skunk?

You shouldn't have asked, Dobbs!

The war games are over, sergeant.

Get all the Indians back in their uniforms.

Yes, sir.

I mean:

All right, you Injuns,

get out of those suits and back into your uniforms.

That means you too, Deer.

You savage! You killed my Wilton!

Janey, it's me, Big Chief Big Bear!

I mean Wilton.

Oh, Wilton. You're alive.

Now I know how an Indian feels when he bites the dust.

Oh, please forgive me. But I'm upset anyway.

When I thought you had killed you, I just went to pieces.

What are you upset about, Jane?

It's little Joey Walker. He's been missing

from his mother's farm since yesterday.

He has? Well, now, don't you worry, Jane.

We'll find him. We'll find him.

Sergeant? Sergeant O'Rourke?

Here.

How. Yes, sir?

The little Walker boy has been missing since yesterday.

You'd better get your men and organize a search party.

Right, sir.

All right, men. Prepare to mount.

Huh-ut!

All right, move out.

Search party reporting, sir.

Any luck, sergeant?

I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't find the kid.

Oh, well, Corporal Agarn and I will take out another party

while your men rest.

Dobbs, blow "Assembly."

All right, bed 'em down, clean 'em up.

Here we go now! With the troop strength.

We're gonna move out in order of twos and threes.

Now, check rations and ammo.

And I want your canteens filled.

We're moving out on a mission of mercy.

We're going to look for little Joey Walker.

Captain Parmenter?

Later, Joey. Corporal Agarn is giving orders.

Now, we'll ride as far as Dribble Creek.

I'll take Dobbs and Duddleson.

Uh, Corporal Agarn. Yes, sir.

This is Joey Walker. I know that, sir.

Now, the first man that sees Joey Walker

fires three shots into the air.

Then, we'll check our positions from there...

Joey!

All right, men, dismissed.

Joey, what are you doing here in the fort?

I've come to enlist in the cavalry.

Ah, don't you think you better run along home?

Your mother must be worried sick about you.

I'm not going home anymore. I wanna be a soldier.

Oh, I'm afraid that's not possible, Joey.

You're underage.

How old do you have to be to join the cavalry?

Eighteen.

I'm 19.

All right. Hey, Joe. Come on, I'll take you home, huh?

You don't have to take me home, sergeant.

Here comes my mother now.

Oh, Joey. You're safe.

Captain Parmenter, I...

I want to thank you and your men for finding my son.

Oh, we didn't find him.

No, he came to the fort to enlist.

The only thing is, we already got enough troopers

that need a nap in the afternoon.

Sergeant, I don't find that amusing.

In fact, I don't find anything about the cavalry amusing.

Get your things, Joey. We're going home.

But, Mom, I wanna be a soldier.

Get your things.

I hope you won't punish him, Mrs. Walker.

There's nothing terrible in a boy wanting to be a soldier.

As far as I'm concerned, captain,

I'd rather have a son who wanted to be the town drunk.

Oh, I wouldn't encourage that, Mrs. Walker.

Keep getting thrown out of saloons,

have to sleep in the streets,

waking up in the morning with those terrible hangovers.

Of course, there are the free lunches.

Good day, gentlemen.

If she was my mother, I'd run away from home too.

Oh, you can't blame her too much, corporal.

She's the widow of a cavalry trooper.

With the captain's permission,

I'd like to have a word with her.

Certainly, sergeant.

Thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Walker?

Yes, sergeant?

I understand how you feel about the cavalry,

but I think you're going about this thing all wrong.

I don't think you're the one to talk about raising a son.

Since it's obvious you've never been a mother.

I never been a canary either, but I know how to sing.

If I wanted advice from a bird, I'd go to an owl.

Wait a minute.

Do you think taking him home now

is gonna keep him from running away again?

Unless you lock him up,

you're gonna be looking for him in every cavalry post.

If I don't lock him up, what's the alternative?

Leave him here with me for a couple days.

I'll show him that being a horse soldier

is not quite as exciting as a little boy thinks.

I'll look after him.

All right, sergeant. We'll do it your way.

And if it works, you can give me singing lessons too.

Men, today, F Troop would like to welcome its newest recruit,

Private Joey Walker.

Of course, he hasn't been formally inducted into the Army,

but he is going to take part in our physical-fitness program.

Now, men, I'm turning you over to your athletic instructor,

Corporal Randolph Agarn.

Corporal, take charge.

Troop, ten-hut!

Left face!

Forward march!

I'm sure after five minutes of exercise,

Joey will be glad to get back to his mother.

That was an excellent idea of yours.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You know, I can't understand

why Mrs. Walker has been a widow all these years.

She's certainly an attractive woman.

Oh, I hadn't noticed, sir.

Well, I've always admired women with blue eyes.

Well, they're not blue, sir.

They're hazel with brownish flecks.

They just look blue when the light hits them

because her lashes are so long.

Oh, really, sergeant?

I hadn't noticed.

Ten-hut!

Now, men, your first exercise:

You're gonna take your right hand and touch your left toe.

Then you're gonna take your left hand and touch your right toe.

Ready?

Agarn, why can't we touch our right toe with our right hand

and our left toe with our left hand?

That's why.

All right. On the count.

Here we go.

And one, and two.

Hold it. Hold it. Duddleson.

Duddleson, at the count of two,

you're supposed to stand up.

I can't. My back just went out.

Mine too, Agarn.

It's that old shrapnel wound I got at the Alamo.

There we were, me and Davy Crockett,

shoulder to shoulder, our backs to the wall.

Duffy, Duffy, never mind, never mind.

All right, you two, back to the barracks.

Now, the rest of you,

get ready for the second exercise.

You're gonna put your hands on your chest,

and when I count, it's gonna go this way:

One, two. One, two.

All right, here we go. Hands on chest, pace.

One, two. One... Hold it, hold it.

Stanley, you and Livingstone carry those troopers

back to the barracks.

The rest of you, Lewis, Clark, Gilbert and Sullivan,

get ready for a double-time march.

It's gonna be once around the wagon,

then we swing around the well, then back to the flagpole.

All right. Left face, turn.

Double time, march.

Vanderbilt, the wagon's over there.

Everybody halt!

That was some plan you had, sarge.

Joey's still in the Army, and we just wiped out F Troop.

You sent for me, sir? Yes, sergeant.

Janey just talked with Joey Walker's mother,

and she's upset the boy isn't back yet.

It's just a question of time, sir.

Mrs. Walker wanted me to give you a message.

Oh, what's that?

"You may never have been a canary,

but your advice is for the birds."

What does that mean?

Oh, that's a little joke that she and I had, sir.

Well, she wasn't laughing when I saw her.

Maybe we better just send the boy home.

Captain, if you'll just give me a little more time.

I'm sure that I can make the boy want to go home.

Very well, sergeant. I'll give you till tomorrow.

Thank you, sir.

Wilton, do you think O'Rourke

can get Joey to go back to his mother?

I hope so.

How'd you like to see him and Mrs. Walker get together?

But Mrs. Walker doesn't like horse soldiers the way I do.

I just love 'em.

Janey, please, not in front of the men.

But there aren't any of 'em around.

Well, then, not in front of me.

Hey, Agarn... Yes, sarge?

Joey, uh, j-just give me the razor, huh?

That's a good boy.

Bud, are you out of your mind,

letting this boy shave with a straight razor?

Well, sarge, he's shaving with the dull side of the razor.

Next job, using the right side.

Think I felt some fuzz this morning.

Fine, that's fine. All right, go outside and clean up.

Right, sarge. See you later, corporal.

What do you mean, letting him shave?

What's wrong with that?

Don't you get it?

He's not supposed to have any fun here.

Tomorrow, let him shave with the sharp side of the blade.

I don't want you treating him like a real soldier,

now, do you understand that?

Sarge, he's the only soldier we got today.

The rest of the troop is up on sick call.

I know, I know,

but I've gotta figure out some way

to make that boy want to go home to his mother.

Not a chance, sarge.

Joey wants to be where the action is.

He keeps saying, "You can't be an Indian fighter on a farm."

I know, I...

Agarn...

I don't know why everybody says you're so dumb.

Attack farmhouse?! A widow and kid?!

Never!

Who says I'm dumb?!

Never mind, Agarn.

Hekawis are nice, kind, sweet, gentle people.

We're adorable.

I know, Wild Eagle, but...

It's been over 100 years

since Hekawi braves attacked farmhouse

with defenseless widow and little boy.

And we lost.

Look, Wild Eagle, nobody's gonna get hurt in this attack.

That's right. We just wanna show this boy

that his mother will need him in case the Indians attack.

All right, let's get down to business.

Ah! Here.

Now... how many braves you want?

Uh... ten braves.

All on horses.

And with war paint.

And lots of yellin' and screamin'.

Yeah.

All right.

Cost you...$25.

Twenty-five dollars?

How much you wanna spend?

Fifteen dollars.

For $15, can't give you much of an attack.

At that price, we just stand around and throw kisses.

Wild Eagle, do you realize

you're making a profit off of friends?

What are friends for?

All right, $20 and that is my final offer.

No, no, no. Can't do it, O'Rourke.

Can't do it.

If one tribe cut price, other tribe cut price.

The next thing you know, the whole bottom falls out

of the fake-Indian-attack market.

If our friends, the Comanches,

find out we cut price, they attack us for free.

So you're not gonna get $25!

For that kind of money,

I'd rather attack that farmhouse myself.

Uh... Yeah, well, we're...

We're not getting anywhere this way.

Just forget the whole thing, chief. Come on, Agarn.

Wait a minute, O'Rourke.

Wait for what, chief?

Just remembered

having month-end clearance on Indian attacks.

Nah, no. We'll just have to think of another plan.

But, sarge? Come on, Agarn.

What are you doing, sarge?

If we don't get the Hekawi to attack that farmhouse,

we'll never get Joey back to his mother.

We got our own Indians.

What Indians, sarge?

The ones who captured the fort during the war games, Deery.

Sarge, you're beautiful.

You blew it, chief.

Who knew they weren't going to bargain.

We should have taken the $20.

How many calls do we get for fake Indian attacks?

Don't worry, Crazy Cat.

Just tell the braves to get ready.

For what?

We going to surprise Sergeant O'Rourke.

How?

We attack the farmhouse.

Hey, there we are, soldier.

Remember, sarge, I'm not gonna stay here. I'm a trooper now.

Well, sure, you are, but I thought

your mother'd like to see you in your uniform.

And I'll tell you something.

Horse soldiers do go visit their mother once in a while.

All right, but we can only stay a few minutes.

I have to lead Vanderbilt up the lookout tower.

Don't worry, we'll be back in plenty of time.

Joey, you've come home.

That's right, Mom. But we can only stay a few minutes.

What do you mean, you can only stay a few minutes?

I'm on duty back at the fort this afternoon.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right.

Now, look. You water and feed him.

And I'll see you inside.

Now, look, I know what you're gonna say.

No, you don't

because you've never heard a woman talk this way.

I can explain. Explain nothing.

If I go along with your plan any longer,

you'll be out of the cavalry before Joey.

Mrs. Walker, if you'll just give me a little more time.

I'm afraid I can't give you any more time.

I'm busting you from mother back to sergeant.

You're making a mistake, Mrs. Walker.

I made a bigger mistake when I went along with your plan.

Joey? Joey, come here.

You're gonna be sorry now, Mrs. Walker.

You called me, Mom?

Yes, Joey. Get in the house.

Sarge!

Y-you'd better do like she says.

Go on, Joey. Go on. In the house.

Move!

First thing we're gonna do is get rid of that silly hat.

But, Mom... Go to your room.

Get out of that uniform and into your civilian clothes.

Don't let her do this to me, sarge.

Couldn't we all just sit down and talk this thing over?

If Joey doesn't do what I say now,

he won't be able to sit down for a week.

Sarge, do something, anything.

Pull your rank on her.

All right, braves.

When I give the signal, we attack the farmhouse.

Duffy... I mean, uh... Grizzly Bear.

You, Busy Beaver and Wild Goose, go around the other side.

Little Skunk, you come with me.

I ain't gonna attack till you change my name.

You know you're bullheaded?

I like that name.

Great! Bull Head.

Running Deer... we've got company.

Look, Indians. We'd better get outta here.

Look, Indians.

We'd better get outta here.

Must be Comanches.

Always giving discounts.

Joey, for the last time, go to your room.

But, Mom.

Hey, Indians! Indians!

Here, Joey,

uh... you put that bench against the door.

Right, sarge.

Mrs. Walker, you lock the back door and all the windows.

Right, sergeant. Good.

How!

Never mind how. How much?

Chief Wild Eagle!

It's Corporal Agarn.

What are you doing here?

We're gonna attack the farmhouse.

It's one thing to have a fake attack,

but fake Indians is going too far.

You're putting a lot of nice friends out of work, Agarn.

Well, $25 is way outta line.

Look, it was only an opening figure.

We'll do it for $20.

Forget it.

As long as we're all dressed up, we'll do it for 15.

Ten?

All right, we'll do it for laughs.

Not gonna have many laughs here, chief.

Well, I wish you and your Indians a lot of luck, Agarn.

Now, wait a minute, chief.

Fifteen dollars was certainly a fair price.

I'll go in for 5. Here's 5 from me.

Forget it!

A person could get killed here.

Back to the village, brave warriors.

Why don't we go with 'em, Running Deer?

Now, don't panic. O'Rourke knows what he's doing.

Hey, what are you doing?

Why, you could kill somebody.

Well, isn't that the whole idea?

No, we don't wanna shoot until, uh,

we can see the whites of their eyes.

By that time, they can see the whites of our eyes.

Will you let me take care of it?

Here they come.

Don't shoot, sarge!

It's us!

That Indian called you sarge.

Oh, yeah, well, that's a trick.

He looks like Agarn.

Oh, well, a lot of Indians look like Agarn.

Then a lot of them must look like Duffy and Dobbs too.

Those men are F Troopers.

Uh... Yeah, well, that's right.

And you knew it all along, didn't you?

Sure, he did. It's just a game.

Well, now, now. Now, wait a minute.

Uh, you know, uh...

we could sure use you over at the fort.

But I do believe you'd be more valuable

if you were stationed over here.

Here? Yeah, that's right.

Now, this was just a game today.

But one of these days,

those could be real Indians out there.

Well, your mama here could only hold them off so long

even though she is a pretty good shot.

I think you're right, sarge.

Yeah.

That's a good trooper, Joe.

You can count on me. I'll get your horse.

Thank you, sergeant. I'm very grateful.

Oh, you're... You're very welcome.

Oh, uh...

Now that I've got a trooper here,

I'll have to be coming out for inspection from time to time.

If that's... all right with you.

That's all right with me.

Well, then, I think I ought to come out tomorrow night

for the first inspection.

Along about, uh... 9?

Joey goes to bed at 8.

Yeah, that's what he told me.

Then see you around 9, sergeant.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, thanks, Joe. Here you go.

There.

Hey, sarge!

Is it all right if we attack the fort?

Yeah, go ahead.

It's the one place

you don't have to worry about being shot at.

I wanna congratulate you, sergeant,

for doing such a wonderful job with the Walker boy.

Ah, thank you, sir.

I wanna tell you, corporal,

how pleased I am that you and the other men helped out.

Thank you, sir.

With the captain's permission,

I'd like to go inspect our lookout

at Mrs. Walker's farm, sir.

Good idea, sarge.

Especially since you've got on your dress uniform,

soaked in lilac water,

with your neckerchief,

a box of chocolate bonbons in your saddlebag...

Agarn!

Uh, ahem, run along, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Must be love.

Oh, I just got a new set of war-games instructions

from territory headquarters.

I wanna show them to you. Yes, sir.

Yeah, here's that directive, corporal.

Hi, Wilton.

Oh! Wilton?!

Please, Jane, not in front of the captain.