Original subtitles

O'Rourke, are you sure you and the troopers

can handle the store while I'm gone?

What are you nervous about, Janey?

You're only gonna be in Dodge City for three days.

I got the boys beautifully trained. Yeah.

Hi, Jane.

Hi, Wilton.

Whoop!

Look out, captain!

Oh, Wilton, are you all right?

Yes, yes, I just have a sudden urge for a lump of sugar.

I sure do appreciate you fellows

wanting to mind my store when you're off duty,

but I think it's a woman's job.

Oh, that's where you're wrong, Jane.

I bet Agarn's as good a salesman as you are.

Well, you might be able to sell something like a saddle,

but I don't think you'd be able to sell a corset to a lady.

It's easy Jane.

All I say is:

Now then, madame,

could I interest you in our latest French corset?

Guaranteed to give you that hourglass figure

with all of the sand in the right spots.

Very good, corporal.

I'll bet you a saddle is just as easy

to sell as a corset,

except its cinch strap straps in a different place.

♪ Do-da, do-da ♪

Jane, my advice to you

is to take off for Dodge City and not worry about a thing.

All right, Wilton.

Janey, please, not in front of the men.

And I wanna thank all of you for what you're doing.

Bye, Agarn.

Please, Janey, not in front of the captain.

Bye, all.

Bye.

Now, men, just because I've given permission

to help Jane out here,

I don't want anyone neglecting his duties.

Ah, don't you worry, sir. I've got everything organized.

Ah, there's the stage. Vanderbilt, go get the mail.

Right, sarge.

It's your fault, sarge.

You knew he couldn't find the door.

I... I know. I lost my head.

Captain, we got a visitor.

Honorable captain,

would like to present humble self

who has name Miko Tanahara.

Well, I'm... I'm very pleased

t-to meet you, Miss Tanahana-hara.

Oh! I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

No, wait. Uh... Just one moment.

There you are.

Humbly request to allow me protection of your fort.

You mean, you wanna live on our fort?

Must. Humble self in danger.

Being chased by honorable bad man.

No, no, you mean, dishonorable bad man.

Must be polite to everyone.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, but you can't stay at the fort.

In that case, must arrange

for humble funeral of humble self.

Take humble leave.

Oh, captain, you've gotta do something.

Or sh-sh-she might commit

that old Japanese custom, hara-kiri, you know.

What? No, she can't do that.

Yeah, well...

Would like to be buried in favorite kimono

if not too much trouble, captain-san.

I don't want to hear any talk about funerals.

But Miko will not be caught alive by honorable bad man.

Well, then, I guess I'll just have to give you

special permission to stay on the fort.

Men, follow me with her trunk. Vanderbilt.

Never mind, never mind. Vanderbilt, go mind the store.

Uh, humble corporal will please, uh, assist humble self

in removing honorable goody.

Huh?

Miko, it's humble me.

Good morning, honorable captain.

Good morning... Oh!

Oh, my.

My, you... You've done wonders with the place.

Miko very grateful you give up your quarters for her.

Well, i-it's not going to be for long.

And once I give Corporal Agarn his glass of warm milk,

it's really quite comfortable sleeping in there with...

With him and S-sergeant O'Rourke.

No, please. I happen to be going steady.

Only want to make honorable captain comfortable.

Oh, say, that's... That's very pretty, Miko.

Here, try on.

Oh.

Sit down, please.

Well, this is very, very... Miko, please.

Honorable captain will find sandals

more comfortable sitting on floor.

S-sitting on floor?

Have prepared tea and rice for you.

Oh, uh, it's very kind of you, Miko,

but you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.

Chopsticks. I've always wanted to try them.

If honorable captain would like Miko to show you how to use?

No, no, no, no, I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

Here. No, wait. Just... I-I'll get it. Okay.

I-I'll... I'll get it.

I-I think I'd better stick with the tea.

As you wish.

Say, that's an interesting instrument.

In Japan, it called samisen.

Do you know, "Home on the Range"?

No, but can play old Japanese song.

It called, "Hitori De Ochao."

What does that mean? "Tea for One."

Uh, captain, I wonder if we...

Ah, excuse us, we didn't know you were busy.

No, no, no, sergeant.

Miko was just showing me some Japanese customs.

Oh, heh.

Well, sir, we'll come back after you've had your bath.

I can assure you, corporal,

I do not approve of the Japanese bathing customs.

But I always say, sir,

you show me a clean body, and I'll show you a clean towel.

Captain, we came by to see

if we could buy some of those, uh, wonderful things

from Japan from Miko.

Now, this I like. Eh?

It's got a lion on the back.

Oh, beautiful. Beau... Have you got that in a 46 XL?

I must have some of those sandals,

and I've looked everywhere for them.

But Miko's belongings not for sale.

But, Miko, these would be great

for lounging around the barracks at night.

But very happy to give gifts to honorable sergeant

and honorable corporal.

Oh! Isn't that nice?

She's a sweetheart, captain. I tell you.

And they say, "East is East and West is West

and never the twain shall meet." I got...

You may pick whatever you like.

The blue one, that's for me.

This is for sergeant. This is for corporal.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wait till they see this back in Passaic, New Jersey.

Most welcome, sergeant. Most welcome, corporal.

Oh, yeah. Uh...

Oh, uh, listen, uh, would you excuse us, captain?

Oh, of course, sergeant.

Yeah. Bye, captain.

Goodbye, corporal.

Yes.

Now, let me see. Where...? Where were we?

Oh, yes. You were playing, "Tea for One."

Sarge, is that Miko a doll?

Oh, she sure is. I tell you what we'll do.

We'll buy her a nice gift out of the profits.

What profits?

Didn't I tell you?

We just went into the oriental souvenir business.

We did? Yeah.

We're gonna go up to the Hekawi camp

and have our friends the Indians make us these souvenirs.

We're gonna be the first ones to copy from the Japanese.

Here.

Hi, Wild Eagle, Crazy.

Hi, chief. Hi, Craze.

Hold it, boys.

Just inspecting new model: souvenir bow and arrow.

Just off squaw assembly-line.

You call that bow and arrow?

Sorry, chief. You just happened to get lemon.

Come on, chief, forget the bows and arrows.

Forget nothing!

Can't understand it.

These bows and arrows are terrible.

Can't even sell them for seconds.

Ow!

You see, chief. You can't break that one.

Oh, no?

Now it breaks.

Chief, forget bows and arrows.

We got a whole new line of souvenirs

for your tribe to make.

Kimonos, sandals, parasols.

Kimonos, sandals, parasols?

That's right, chief.

Now, we're retooling your squaws.

Here you go. Ah, now, that is a fan.

The ladies use it in the summertime

to keep themselves cool.

And also for... flirting.

Ah, here now, I want you to look at this.

That very beautiful.

Where you get all these things, sergeant?

From a far-off place called Japan.

That's right. We got 'em from a Japanese girl

living over at the fort.

She gave us all this stuff. Here, try this on.

Me? That look like something for squaw.

Over there, everybody wears these things.

If all wear those, how can you tell

difference between braves and squaws?

You don't have to worry about Japanese men.

They got some very tough warriors.

They're called, uh, samurai.

Me like to try on kimono.

Me chief. Me try on kimono.

Ah, here. Here.

There we go, chief.

Now just look at this.

Now, chief, you look stunning.

Yes, isn't that beautiful?

Mmm!

Never feel anything like this before.

So soft.

Let me feel.

Ooh, what is this made of?

Worms.

You had to ask that.

Now, look, I want you to get your squaws started

on reproducing all these things right away.

Well, it not gonna be easy.

Must go all the way down to river for worms.

Craze, you don't understand.

You don't have the right kinda worms here.

That's right. Look, we'll send you up a lot of cotton material.

Come on, Agarn, we gotta get back to the fort.

Here, chief. Parasol.

It protects you from the sun.

Oh, good idea, Agarn.

Every summer, me tired of being redskin.

All right, come on, Agarn!

So long, fellows.

Oh... Look, chief. Topless moccasins.

Look very comfortable.

Why you not try them on, chief?

All right.

How it feel?

Oh! Just my size.

Ten and a half, D.

Who are you? Me samurai.

This is Chief Wild Eagle

and I'm his assistant, Crazy Cat.

You from Japan?

Yes. I'm looking for Japanese girl.

Thought you were her.

They got to do something about these kimonos.

Hiding girl here?

We not hiding girl here.

Whoever hiding girl, samurai kill.

We not know anything about Japanese girl.

You lie.

And you not tell me where to find her,

I give you karate chop.

Heard of lamb chop and pork chop but never heard of karate chop.

Me show you.

Agh!

That's what I call a chop.

To get to Fort Courage

you take the first road as you leave the camp.

You make a right turn at the rock that looks like a bear.

Then make a left turn at the bear that looks like a rock.

I'm sure glad that Miko taught us how to use chopsticks.

It, uh, makes eating more of a challenge.

That Miko, she sure is a doll, sarge.

Yeah, she sure is.

She takes better care of the captain than his mother.

She sure does, sarge.

What are you doing eating with one chopstick?

Well, I'm on a diet, sarge.

Uh-oh. Look.

Well, that's Janey.

She's not due back till Friday.

I know. And if she sees, uh, Miko with the captain,

she might get the wrong idea.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Hey, Janey, Janey girl, wel... Wel... Welcome home.

Boy, are we glad to see you.

Well, it's nice to be back.

Hey, a new outfit, huh?

No. How's Wilton?

Oh, he's fine, fine. Fine, fine, fine.

Little tired today. He's been out scouting Indians.

But will he be happy to see you tonight.

Oh, tonight. Yes.

Now, how could he be out scouting Indians

when his horse is tied up there?

Ah, well, you see...

He's out on another horse.

He's out on another horse. That's it.

Another horse? That's right.

His horse is lame. That's it.

Not as lame as this excuse you're giving me.

Wait, wait, wait, Janey!

Don't you want us to tell you how your store went?

All the things we sold... After I see Wilton.

Hi, Jane.

Jane.

Now I know why O'Rourke and Agarn

didn't want me to come in here.

No. Now, Jane, you've got this all wrong now.

This is Miko Tanahara from Yokohama,

a-and she's being chased by a man.

I can see that, Wilton.

No, you don't understand.

See, we're giving her protection of the fort

as sort of hands across the sea.

I can see that too.

Jane.

Now I know why you didn't want me to go in there.

Hold it, hold it, Jane.

O'Rourke is reading smoke signals.

It's from Wild Eagle. We got trouble.

You've got trouble, what about me?

Jane, you've got to let me explain.

Please, captain.

Sergeant O'Rourke is reading smoke. See that?

"Samurai warrior come to get Japanese girl.

"If not get her,

knock down fort and kill all men in F Troop."

What does that last puff of smoke say?

Uh. "S-sayonara."

This all my fault.

Samurai is honorable bad man who is chasing me.

Why'd you run away from him?

Not run away. Never even met samurai.

Well, why is he chasing you?

Me running away from house of honorable father

who send samurai to bring me back.

Why don't you wanna go back to Japan?

If go back, must go through

with marriage honorable father has arranged

with a man I do not love.

Oh, sarge.

That's the saddest thing I ever heard.

That's terrible.

No father should arrange a marriage for his daughter.

Unless of course, my father arranged one with you, Wilton.

Janey, please, not in front of the men

or strangers from Japan.

Captain, I got an idea.

Janey, you take her and hide her in your quarters.

Duffy!

Yeah, what is it, sarge?

Close that gate and don't let anybody in.

Right. Duddleson, shut the gate.

Sergeant, what good is closing the gate going to do?

Maybe if we all pretend we're asleep, he'll go away.

Yeah, yeah, you see, sir, I think at least

we oughta buy a little time.

Well, maybe you're right, sergeant.

Open up gate.

The gate is closed for the day.

I warn you. Open up gate!

I said, the gate is closed for the day.

What's wrong with a prearranged marriage?

Stall him, captain. I got a plan.

I hope your plan is better than his plan.

You honorable commander of this fort?

That's right.

Me samurai warrior from Japan.

Ask that you turn over to me Japanese girl hiding here.

Uh, well, first of all,

I think we ought to discuss that gate.

Gate? That's right.

Uh, inasmuch as it was slightly used,

I think a fair price would be, oh, $11.

Or roughly 40 yen.

We talk about gate later.

Where is Japanese girl?

I'll tell you what.

I'll make a deal with you.

Uh, you forget about the girl, and we'll forget about the gate.

I warn you, captain,

I did not come here to play games.

Now you owe us for a hitching rail.

This is last time, captain.

I ask you give up the girl.

Look, Mr. Samurai,

we do things differently over here.

This is a free country,

and we believe that no one has the right

to run anyone else's life.

And when we marry, we marry for love.

Yeah. Put that in your ricksha and see how you like it.

Yeah, uh, captain.

Sergeant, you shouldn't bring her out here

in front of that samurai.

It's me, Wilton.

Good thinking, sergeant. Sarge, you're beautiful.

Uh, beg of you to speak English

so as not to be rude to honorable friends.

Have been sent by your honorable father

to bring you back to Japan.

I go willingly.

But first, must be polite to kind friends

and have farewell dinner tonight.

You may have dinner.

But we leave first thing in morning.

Uh, captain, shall I play "Retreat" now?

Uh, in a few minutes, Dobbs.

Right, captain.

Well, Jane, you sure look nice in Miko's outfit.

Jane? Who Jane? She not Japanese girl?

Oh, no, don't listen to him.

Yeah, well, all right.

All that bugling has loosened his brain, you see.

You try to fool samurai. This not Japanese girl!

Of course this is Miko. Jane has bow legs.

Who has bow legs, Agarn?!

Now, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Look, there's Japanese girl. I know her anywhere.

Get him, Agarn.

Can I help you, ladies?

We're still running our special on imported French corsets.

It's me, Vanderbilt.

Oh, hi, O'Rourke.

Never mind, Vanderbilt.

Here, you get in the backroom, Miko,

I'll take care of the samurai.

Why, it's Captain Parmenter.

Vanderbilt, just stand aside. There might be some trouble.

If you not turn girl over now, samurai kill you.

Over my dead body.

Who is she, captain?

Never mind, Vanderbilt.

You don't scare me.

She's a he.

Get out of way.

Better stay out of this, Vanderbilt.

Don't worry, captain. I'll get him.

Two can play this game, Mr. Samurai.

I'll get him this time, captain.

Please, Vanderbilt, I can handle this.

Agh!

Ha! All right. All right. Now, stand right where you are.

Go ahead and shoot, sergeant. Samurai honor at stake.

Would rather die than go back to Japan without girl.

Oh, never mind, men. Never mind. I can take care of him.

Hook him up. Hook him up. That's the way.

Good thinking, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

How much is the postage to send him to Japan?

Jane, I want you to make a list

of everything that he's broken here,

and we'll add that to the bill

for the hitching rail and the gate.

Captain.

Please, Captain Parmenter, beg you to release samurai.

Why do you want me to do that?

Miko has caused all much trouble.

Will now obey honorable father and return to Japan.

You sure that's what you want, Miko?

That's not what I want, sergeant.

But it is best for all of us.

In that case, take off his corset, men.

When you want start journey back to Japan?

Never.

But I must return.

Marry man of my father's choice.

Things different over here.

Free country.

No one has right to run person's life.

When marry, should marry for love.

Is that what you going to tell my father when you see him?

Miko, I... I have an idea

that he's not gonna go back to Japan either.

That would please Miko greatly.

Oh, Wilton, it's love at first sight. Just like us.

Jane, please, I've told you. Not in front of a samurai.

Congratulations. You're getting a wonderful girl.

Agh!

I want to thank all of you for everything.

Ah, you're gonna make

a very pretty pioneer girl, Miko.

And get a load of the Sukiyaki Kid.

Here we go.

Now listen, remember, you can't use chopsticks

on beef a-and pork chops and things like that.

You gotta learn how to use a knife and fork.

All right? There we go. There we are.

Good luck to you now.

Thanks. Bye.

Ho.

Goodbye.

Honorable captain.

Honorable tea's ready.

Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.

Yes, sir.