Original subtitles

Turn to the left flank! Hike!

To the rear, march!

Wait up. Wait a minute. Wait up.

Line up here and start again.

We're gonna get this right if we stay here all day.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Good morning, gentlemen.

At ease.

All right, men.

You're going to split up into teams of two

and practice opening and closing the fort gates

in speedy military fashion.

That's because you've been opening and closing those gates

like an old maid opening and closing her hope chest.

Open the gate as fast as you can,

and then when the captain gives the signal,

close the gate as fast as you can.

And just to make it more interesting,

whichever team does it in the least amount of time

gets a free prize.

So we'll split up in teams of two,

with each team consisting of one man and another man.

All right, we'll start with Vanderbilt and Duffy.

The fort gate is over there.

On your mark, get set, go!

You men are not allowed... Ooh-woo-ooh.

Well, I'll be. They've stolen Captain Parmenter.

Right from under our noses.

Duffy, open the corral.

We gotta saddle up and go after them.

Right. All right, men, to your horses!

Whoa! Whoa! They're getting away.

First to your rifles and then your horses!

Halt! On second thought, half of you, rifles,

and the other half, horses.

And those with rifles and without horses

trade places with the others...

Agarn. Agarn, forget it.

Forget what?

Ain't we going after them? What, on foot?

Duffy, round up those horses.

Right, sarge.

Vanderbilt, Hightower, Scully, on the double!

They got too big a head start to catch them.

All we can do is sit and wait.

Wait for what? Well, the way I figured,

they took Captain Parmenter for ransom.

So we gotta sit here and wait for a ransom note.

There's only two things we gotta worry about.

First is, they don't harm him.

What's the second?

That they know how to write.

Captain's watch is still running.

Boy, is he lucky.

How long has the captain been missing?

About two hours.

Oh, boy. Two hours and no ransom note.

Sarge. What?

Maybe them two big Indians don't know how to write.

All right, you critters, back there where you belong.

This never would've happened at the Alamo.

Come in.

Hi, fellas. Where's your handsome commanding officer?

Can't a girl get an answer?

I said, where's your handsome commanding officer?

Uh, Janey, I'm afraid we got some kind of bad news, uh...

About Wilton? Sit down.

Sit down, would you, Janey?

Has he run away with another woman?

No, he's... No, he's run away

with two big Indians.

Oh, no. Poor Wilton.

Well, now, be brave, Janey. Be brave.

Maybe I'd better take this in case she faints.

Mm! Chocolate fudge. May I?

Agarn, I'm sure that she made that

for Captain Parmenter, all right?

That's right. That's our captain's fudge.

And that's our captain's watch. That's our captain's desk.

And that's our captain's lamp. That's our captain...

Enough, enough, Dobbs.

If we wanted a guided tour, we'd ask for it.

Dobbs, we... We know how you feel.

We miss him just as much as you do.

And think of poor Wrangler Jane.

The woman who is someday going to be his wife.

Only now, it don't look that way.

Nice going. Nice going.

Did I say something wrong?

Why are y'all standing around like this?

Why aren't you out looking for my poor Wilton?

That's exactly what we're doing. Dobbs, go blow assembly.

We got a search party to gather.

Right, sarge. Where...? Where are we going?

We're going up to the Hekawi camp

and see if they know who these two guys are.

Now, just, uh...

If me chief, me say they sound like Loco Brothers.

But you not chief, so stop guessing.

Me say they sound like Loco Brothers.

Who are the Loco Brothers?

Two big loco Indians.

Are they Hekawis?

Bite your tongue. They renegades.

Renegades.

That's one tribe I never heard of.

No, no, no. Renegades.

It means that... That... That they don't belong to any tribe.

No self-respecting Indian would have anything to do with them.

If me chief,

me say Loco Brothers are rotten apples.

It take one to know one.

Well, why would they want to steal Captain Parmenter?

Maybe they lonesome.

They just want somebody to talk to.

Will they hurt him?

Well, if me chief...

You give me "if me chief" one more time,

and you wind up with 60-second scalp treatment.

Wise old Indian saying:

"When owl smile at full moon,

bye-bye blackbird."

What does that mean?

It means scratch Captain Parmenter off list

and pray whoever replace him just as big a sweetheart.

Gentlemen, as a captain in the United States Army,

I demand that you release me immediately.

Nice to hear sound of different voice.

True. True.

Me like him. Me too.

Well, thank you very much but that doesn't give you

the right to run away with me without my permission.

You could be arrested for stealing government property.

What your name, paleface?

Captain Wilton Parmenter.

Pretty name, true?

True.

Us, Loco Brothers.

Very happy to meet you, Mr. Loco.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to be getting back to the fort.

So soon? You just get here.

And we want make friends with you.

Because we renegades.

And all we have is enemies.

True?

True.

Us hungry for friends.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'll make a deal with you.

Now, you let me go, and I'll see to it

that you're both invited to our next company picnic.

What mean "picnic"?

Well, it means eating lots of food

and playing lots of games.

What do you say?

We say no.

We got lots food, lots games right here.

Untie feet and we show him game.

You ever hear of game called catch?

Oh, certainly, certainly. It's played with a ball.

We play with rock.

Catch.

Catch.

Catch.

Catch.

Whoa...! Oof!

Him butterfingers but we like anyhow.

True? True.

Agarn, are you sure you see two sets of hoofprints?

I'm positive, sarge.

I learned how to follow a trail

from one of the best Indian scouts in the business.

Yeah, who's that?

My aunt Sylvia.

That figures. His horse can't see either.

There they are, sarge. See them?

Two sets of hoofprints, clear as day.

I see them, but they don't look like they were made by horses.

Yeah, but they were. And they're unusual.

The horses were very tired from carrying a heavy load.

What are you doing here?

Wise guys.

Well, my compliments to Aunt Sylvia.

Those are the most deceptive set of footprints

I ever saw in my entire life.

Maybe those Loco Brothers bought those steers

and had their hooves disguised to throw us off the track, eh?

That's a definite possibility.

I should have followed my instinct

and had somebody else ride up front with me.

Who?

Vanderbilt.

Oh, I get it.

A little sarcasm, eh, sarge?

A little kicking of your pal when he's down.

Ah... Hey, sarge. Look.

Hey, those are their horses.

By complete accident,

we have stumbled on their hideout.

Under my leadership. Ah.

Come on, men.

New friend no want eat?

No. No, thank you. I...

I think I'd find raw buffalo a little difficult to digest.

Why new friend walk up and down, up and down?

Because new friend is unhappy. Unhappy.

New friend wants to go home,

and new friend is very angry with you

for holding me prisoner.

When new friend angry him talk just like old father. True?

True.

Old father never understand us.

That why Loco Brothers become renegades.

Old father always too busy making wampum.

Him never take time to be our pal.

Children need kindness. Children need love.

Children need care. Buffalo need salt.

New friend do Loco Brothers favor and pass salt.

Where is it?

Over there in sack.

F Troop! F Troop! I'm over here.

Well, he's alive.

Well, he was alive.

Let's storm in there and rescue him.

Rescue who?

We'll tell ya later.

Come on, dismount. Let's prepare to attack.

Sarge. What?

Do you realize it's eight of us

against two of them? So?

Don't you think we ought to send for reinforcements?

All right, now, we hit them from both sides.

Dobbs, Duffy and Vanderbilt and myself will go from the left.

Agarn, you take the rest of them and go for the right.

Now let's move out.

Duffy, hold your fire.

Get behind those boulders.

Ah, it's no good.

They got the military advantage.

Sarge, if we hit them again, you may have to go without me.

I got a wounded hat.

The cave is like a fortress.

Even if we could get up there

they'd have time to get to Captain Parmenter first.

Men, do you know what this means?

What? We're licked.

Let's go home.

I couldn't stand the suspense.

I had to ride out and see if you've found my Wilton.

We found him, Janey. But... But what?

Well, finding him and saving him

are two different stories.

With the odds in favor of an unhappy ending.

Where am I?

You right here.

You right here with Loco Brothers.

True.

Well, I say we ride back to the fort,

get the cannon, set it up outside the cave,

and fire point-blank inside the cave.

Agarn, the captain is inside the cave.

Well, I can't think of everything.

What if we wait until dark

when the Loco Brothers are asleep and...

And go in there and try to sneak Wilton out?

After dark? Agarn.

Ah, it's too risky. They might wake up.

Well, it ain't as risky as firing a cannon point-blank.

Dobbs, if you don't have anything constructive to say

just don't say anything.

Don't you think maybe we could smoke them out?

How? With smoke.

What, and start a fire that might get out of control?

Sarge, you know your trouble?

You're a perfectionist.

Ah... I'm thinking.

Yes, O'Rourke?

We might take a couple of bottles of whiskey,

wrap them up in a saddle blanket and throw them in there...

So the Loco Brothers would get drunk and pass out.

And then we could go in and rescue Wilton.

Back to the saloon. Requisition two bottles of cheap whiskey.

Wait. Wait. Only one trouble.

If they don't pass out, they might get violent

and then the captain would be in worse trouble than ever.

Leave us reconsider the cannon.

We're not doing so well, are we?

No, we're not.

We gotta think of something.

We can't just let him stay there.

We could fire one teeny-weeny little cannonball in there,

then four of us rush in and it's all ov...

The cannon is out.

Smoke? Out.

What's in?

Ah-ah-ah. I've got one more idea.

You do?

We might get the Loco Brothers

to turn their prisoner loose if we appeal to them as men.

How do we do that?

Not we, Janey. You.

You game?

O'Rourke, you know I'd risk my life

to save my Wilton.

That's just what I had in mind.

How long would it take you to ride back to town

and get some essential supplies and get back here?

I reckon about one hour.

Ah, then I think we can get Captain Parmenter out of there

in about one hour and five minutes.

Take it away. Take it away. That's a girl.

Here she comes, sarge.

All right, now.

And... And hurry up, Janey. All right?

Is that fast enough for you?

All right, knock it off. This is official business.

What do I do?

Oh, well, now, you see, you walk by the cave over there,

uh, kind of, uh, bouncy.

Yeah, that's fine.

And you holler real friendly, "Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers."

And then?

Well, then, when they come out to, uh...

Uh, make your acquaintance,

F Troop will charge and capture them.

See? It's like that. We hope.

All set?

Now, wait a minute. I said, knock it off!

You can't even see her, Vanderbilt.

All set.

All right. Now, good luck.

Same to you.

All right, now, F Troop.

Let's stand by to leap out of ambush.

Here we go.

Me remember my fifth birthday

when old father wouldn't give me secondhand pony for present.

Me remember my fifth birthday when old father catch me smoking

and hit me over head with peace pipe.

Gentlemen. BOTH: Yes, new friend?

At the moment I'm not interested.

I have my own problems.

Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.

Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.

That sounds like Jane. Is that you, Jane?

Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.

Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.

It didn't work. They couldn't have cared less.

I wonder why.

I think I know our mistake. What?

Uh, well, in all due respect, Wrangler,

you're just not their type.

Why not? You're not an Indian.

Big deal. She's still a woman, ain't she?

Wait a minute.

Our trap is still basically right but the...

The bait is wrong.

Agarn. What?

Go behind the blankets and take off your uniform.

What for? Never mind what for.

Go behind the blankets. Take off the uniform.

What are you doing? We play another game.

It called tic-tac-toe.

You go first.

Agarn, hurry up, will you?

Don't rush me.

Well, I see we got people who want a belt in the mouth.

Wait a minute.

Say, listen, isn't that dress just a little tight?

Well, in some places it's too tight

and in some places it's too loose.

Wrangler, one girl to another, how does he look in it?

I think he looks just lovely. Good.

Except... Except what?

I think this wig looks just a little bit too stiff.

Oh, well, yeah. But we had to make it

out of a horse's tail.

You did? From whose horse?

Yours.

Well, okay.

As long as it's from a horse I know.

You all set?

No, but I'll go anyway.

All right. Now, the plan is the same.

You go past the cave. You holler,

"Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers."

And when they come out to get you, we leap on them.

All right?

Just make sure of one thing.

What's that?

Leap fast.

Hey... Hey.

Stop that. I told you, it tickles.

Yippee! Me win again.

Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers!

It better work.

Loco Brothers, look who's here for you.

Why don't you big strong Indians come over here

and give a shy Indian maiden some loving and some kissing?

Watch this.

What's he doing?

That's the Indian love dance.

He learned it from the Hekawis last New Year's Eve.

All right. F Troop, charge.

Captain, I... Uh... What...?

Oh, it certainly is nice to see you.

Hello. Are you...? Are you all right, sir?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm... I'm a little hungry, and I need a bath.

But otherwise... Oh, Wilton!

Mwah.

Janey, Janey, Janey, please.

I practically don't have my shirt on.

Look at you...

Well, what are you doing in an F Troop uniform?

Uh, we'll... We'll... explain it to you later, sir,

after we capture the Loco Brothers, all right?

Oh. Here, yeah. Yeah, here we go.

Corporal Agarn? What are you doing in Jane's dress?

Uh, we'll explain that later too, sir.

Heh! Nice one, Agarn. Nice one.

Do you have a few words for your admirers?

I shudder to think what might have happened.

Come in.

Sir, F Troop is assembled for gate drill.

To take up where you left off

when you were so rudely interrupted

by the Loco Brothers.

Fine. Fine.

It's good to be back in the old routine.

Ah, yes, sir... Are you all right, captain?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Uh, captain, sir,

uh, Corporal Agarn and I would just like to say

that we think it was a very noble gesture

for you to get the, uh, Hekawis

to let the Loco Brothers live with them, sir.

Oh, thank you. I hope it works.

They're not really bad, you know.

They're not?

No, they had unhappy boyhoods.

Aw.

But I'm sure with Chief Wild Eagle

to look up to like a father,

they'll straighten out in no time.

All right, let's not keep the men waiting.

Troop, ten-hut!

All right. We'll resume gate drill

with Troopers Vanderbilt and Duffy.

And don't forget, I'm timing you.

On your mark, get set, go!

Well, what do you know? They struck again.

They're like two playful children.

Only they play a little rough.

Sergeant, we have to go rescue Corporal Agarn.

Yes, sir. Uh, sir,

uh, how do you think you'll look in a dress?