Original subtitles

Eh.

Uh... How long is it going to take the men

to store that hay, sergeant?

Agarn, how long is it gonna take

the men to store that hay?

Dobbs, how long is it gonna take

to store the hay?

Duffy, how long is it gonna take

to store that hay?

I don't know, Dobbs.

I don't know, Agarn.

I don't know, sarge.

I don't know, captain.

Do you think they can finish by noon?

Duffy, can you finish by noon?

Captain, I demand to be relieved

of this detail.

What's the matter, Agarn?

He went under my head to Duffy.

Oh, come on, Agarn, get ahold of yourself.

Sergeant, we have a visitor.

Uh, Captain Parmenter, I'm Captain Jonathan Blair,

with orders from territorial headquarters.

Oh, uh...

well, I'm very happy to meet you, captain.

Eh, this is Sergeant O'Rourke.

Sir.

Sergeant.

Well, well, this is very interesting.

They want us to ask for two men

to volunteer for a survival test.

Survival test?

We wanna see if two men with only a canteen cup

and a knife can live off the land

in the event that they have to fight

the Indians beyond our supply lines.

If you can get two men to volunteer

there's a 30-day furlough.

If they survive the survival test.

I know two men who will volunteer, sir.

Who's that, sergeant?

Corporal Agarn and myself.

Well, that's certainly very courageous of you.

Are you sure the corporal will go along with you?

Oh, of course, captain.

Why, O'Rourke and Agarn are like Damon and Pythias.

Lewis and Clark, Caesar and Cleopatra.

Hi, Jane.

Hi, Wilton.

Oh, with the captain's permission,

I'd like to go alert Corporal Agarn.

Of course, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Captain Blair,

I'd like you to meet Wrangler Jane.

Hello.

Wrangler Jane, I'd like you to meet

Captain Blair.

My, you must have every medal

a man can get for being in the army.

Well, uh, this one is from the Navy.

The Navy?

I swam out to the Merrimac

and rescued the captain.

Hey, Agarn, I've got some good news.

We're gonna get a 30-day furlough.

We are?

Yeah, as soon as we get back

from the survival test.

Careless.

This is for the battle

of the Cheyennes at Rainbow Bend.

This is for the Apache attack at Sunset Pass.

What's this one for?

A waltz contest at Little Bighorn.

Mm, I can see, I'm gonna have to learn that dance.

Captain, if you're finished,

I would like to get back to my desk.

Certainly, I'll be back tomorrow

with full particulars about the test.

I hope I'll be seeing more of you, Jane.

Oh, I'll be right here, captain.

Mmm...

he must be the bravest officer in the U.S. Army.

Oh, I don't know.

I know an officer so brave,

he volunteered for a survival test.

Who's that?

Me.

Oh, now, Wilton,

don't you go doing anything foolish.

Sergeant. Oh, yes, sir.

I've decided to volunteer

for the survival test.

Ah... congratulations, captain.

I know you two will both be very happy.

Oh, no, no, corporal, Sgt. O'Rourke as ranking noncom

will be in charge of the fort.

You and I are going.

Now, Wilton...

Oh, are you still here, Jane?

I thought you were home learning to waltz.

I'm going to live off the land for 10 days?

With Captain Parmenter?

With only a knife, and a canteen cup?

Agarn, hang on, Agarn.

Agarn, hang on.

Ho! Ten-hut.

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

At ease.

Men, as you know, Corporal Agarn and I

are going on a 10 day survival test.

Now, now, now, now, it's all right.

Now, while I'm gone,

the fort will be under the command

of Sergeant O'Rourke.

And I expect you to show him the same respect

that you have always given me.

All right, dismissed.

We're ready, captain.

Good.

With the captain's permission,

I'd like to say, sir,

that F Troop is very proud

that you have volunteered

for this very dangerous mission.

Oh, thank you, sergeant.

But I think Corporal Agarn, deserves credit, too.

We're all sure proud of you, corporal.

We could have used you at the Alamo, corporal.

Eh, captain, may I remind you

that in this survival test,

you have to live off the land.

Oh, y-yes, yes, I-I'm sure Corporal Agarn

was just a little confused.

That's right, sir.

I always carry a few snacks with me.

That's right, whenever we run out of food

at the mess hall, we, uh... We eat out of Agarn's hat.

Ha, ha. Well, then now, corporal,

you swear that you're not carrying any more food on you?

I swear it, s...

Oh, yes, heh.

You mean I'm gonna be shot for this?

Oh, no, it's... It's part of the test.

You're not supposed to know where we drop you off, heh-heh.

Hey, Agarn, we can play blindman's bluff.

Uh, you do understand, captain, that, uh,

when we get out there,

you're to take them off.

Oh, y-yes. Of course.

Yes, of course.

All right, men, uh, help them up.

All right, sir. Mount up.

All right, here we go, sir.

All right, Duffy, uh...

you take charge of the fort

while I'm gone, would you?

Right. This way.

All right, up you go now.

All right.

Are you all right, Agarn?

I would've been better off

if I faced the firing squad.

Oh, yeah...

Whoa.

This looks like a good spot.

We'll dismount here.

Yes, sir.

Woo-ooh, ooh.

You shouldn't dismount with that blindfold on you.

You could kill yourself.

Well, we have to learn to survive everything, sergeant.

Oh. You have your army

survival manual, captain?

Yes, captain.

And you both have

your canteen cups and knives?

Yes, captain.

Yes, sir. I have mine.

Good luck to you both,

we'll see you in about 10 days... maybe.

Eh, good luck, sir.

Thank you, serg... Ooh!

Well, eh, good luck, old buddy.

I'll see you in about 10 days.

Don't you worry about a thing.

Worry?

Why should I worry?

Me and the captain, we're both soldiers.

Been through a lot of tough campaigns together.

We both have knives and a canteen cup.

The army has provided us with survival manuals.

And I'm sure, somewhere in that manual

is a lovely funeral service.

Oh, now, Agarn, pull yourself together.

Here now.

I'll be all right, sarge, it's...

It's just that this is the first time

I've ever slept away from my blanket.

Ah.

Mount up, sergeant.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Uh, corporal,

I think the first thing we should do is build a fire.

But captain, we don't have any matches.

Oh, of course we don't.

We're supposed to do it ourselves.

You gather some dried leaves

while I look around for a rock.

Ow.

Oh, captain, once we get the fire started,

what are we gonna eat?

Well, there's a very nice recipe

in the manual for bullfrog soup.

Bullfrog soup?

Hm, I can hear them croaking,

And when one of them croaks, we eat him.

That's very good, Agarn.

We can't afford to lose our sense of humor.

That's right.

This is gonna be a million laughs.

This rock should do the trick.

Now...

just pile your leaves around that rock, corporal.

Now, let me see here.

"Fires.

"Starting... matchless." Here we are.

Uh, it says, "you should strike your steel knife

downward against the rock."

Here goes.

I don't see any sparks yet, captain.

Oh, keep trying, keep trying.

Oh, no use, captain. It's not gonna work.

We're never gonna get a fire started.

We're never gonna eat a hot meal

and tonight we're gonna freeze to death.

Oh, don't panic. We just have to keep trying.

Go on.

Oh, it's no use, captain.

This knife is no good for starting fires.

Captain! Captain, fire!

Aargh.

Ah.

Boy, that was close.

Corporal... you just put out our fire.

Oh, captain, I'm sorry, I...

I just lost my head. I didn't know...

Oh, that's all right.

Now, now, now, we'll just have to start another fire.

I can't start another fire,

sir, I'm just not the type.

Should have picked somebody else.

With me out here, we won't survive.

We'll never stand a chance

and I'm too young to die, too young...

Captain, you slapped me in the face.

Sorry, Agarn,

but it says right in here on Page 27,

that if a man becomes hysterical,

a slap in the face will bring him to his senses.

Thank you, captain. I needed that.

And I want you to know that even though

I'm your commanding officer, you're supposed to slap my face.

After I become hysterical.

I did it again, captain.

I'm sorry, captain.

There, sir. I'm better now.

Agarn, I hear a bear growling.

Why are you slapping my face?

Aren't you hysterical?

No, no, I do hear a bear growling.

Well, you better get ready to slap my face.

It's the best thing that happened to us.

How's that, sir?

Oh, now we can get fresh meat.

Huh, just our luck.

The first thing we find we can eat,

can eat us.

You stay here and get the fire started.

I'll go after the bear.

Well now,

where was that recipe for bullfrog soup?

O'Rourke.

Oh, hi, Janey.

Any word from Wilton?

What do you mean any word from Wilton?

You know we're not allowed to contact them

when they're out on the survival test.

I know, but they've been wandering around

out there for three days, they might be dead.

Janey, where we dropped them off

there's a lot of water, wild berries and herbs.

And they, they might even get lucky,

and catch themselves a bear, heh.

Lucky for who? Them or the bear?

Jane, now I admit that Captain Parmenter

is no Davy Crockett.

On the other hand, he's not afraid of anything

in this world.

And while Agarn does fly apart a lot,

he's a good soldier when the chips are down.

And knowing those two men as I do...

I must have been out of my mind

to leave them out there alone.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Just relax, will you?

Nobody's seen any buzzards flying around

over Wild Horse Valley yet.

Speaking of buzzards.

Eh, can we help you, stranger?

You folks got an undertaker in this town?

No, that's just 'cause nobody ever dies here.

I'll wait.

Where you coming from?

Dodge City. Came through that pass at Wild Horse Valley.

You didn't happen to see two soldiers

wandering around out there, did you?

Who do you think I'm waiting for?

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Yes, sir? Ahem.

Sergeant, I'm riding out to meet

Colonel Ferguson, the inspector general.

Ah, yes, sir.

Hi, sarge.

Oh, hello, O'Rourke.

Wait a minute you two.

Don't give me that wide-eyed stare.

I know what you've been up to.

Oh, all right, sarge.

But you know I ain't

the first soldier in the cavalry

who sold his horse's shoes

so he'd have a little extra money

towards the end of the month.

And I know it's against regulations

but they gave me $5

for playing my bugle at that wedding.

You played your bugle at a wedding?

Well, there ain't no organ around here for 500 miles.

You mean, you weren't planning to sneak up there

and take some food to Captain Parmenter

and Corporal Agarn who are on a survival test.

We weren't planning anything like that, sir.

We don't even know where they are.

You didn't know that they're, uh,

in Wild Horse Valley?

No.

Oh...

Well, I thought you was gonna sneak up there

with a couple of saddlebags full of fresh fruit

and hard boiled eggs and fried chicken,

and leave them around in the bushes.

You know, so that the best cavalry officer

in the army could find it.

And your buddy, Corporal Agarn, heh.

No.

You weren't gonna do that, huh?

You heard him, sarge. No.

Well, I thought you was gonna do that,

while I was up there at the Hekawi camp.

So nobody could say that you disobeyed orders.

And that way I'd forget about them, uh...

Them horseshoes.

And playing that bugle at that wedding.

I think he's trying to tell us something, Dobbs.

Which way is it to Wild Horse Valley?

I didn't hear that.

Hi, chief. Hi, Craze.

Hi, sergeant.

Hold it, O'Rourke.

Having first fitting on suit from new tailor.

Him very famous tailor,

name Fighting Ram, from Eastern tribe.

Me first chief west of Mississippi

to have natural shoulder buckskin suit.

All right, never mind about that.

I gotta talk to you.

Fighting Ram great tailor.

Bring in new style tapered pants.

Sleeve, 33 and a half.

This is important, chief.

No good.

Ram, you made the pants too long.

Look, I tell you

this is really important, chief.

All right, finish fitting later.

Uh, come on, sit down.

Chief, I think you'd better forget

about the tapered pants.

Fighting Ram better be good fighter.

Where your friend, Corporal Agarn?

That's what I came to talk to you about,

he and Captain Parmenter are on a survival test.

What is survival test?

They blindfold a couple of men

and drop them off in the wilderness

with a canteen cup and a knife

and see if they can survive for 10 days.

Who send them out there?

It's an order from Washington.

Why you not bring them a couple of sandwiches?

Captain Parmenter left me in charge of the fort,

that's why I want you to go.

We no deliver, O'Rourke. Only have food to go.

Chief, I just want you to go out

to Wild Horse Valley and scatter some food around

that they can accidentally stumble over.

Maybe if price is right,

we could do you this little favor, O'Rourke.

Crazy Cat, this is no time to talk about money.

We're trying to save the lives of two men.

O'Rourke right.

Captain Parmenter, Corporal Agarn good friends of Hekawis.

This no time to talk about money.

Right.

What kind food you want, sergeant?

Well, you know, some venison chops

and some bear steaks.

And scatter around a lot of berries,

and maybe couple a dozen pumpkins, you know.

You got it, sergeant.

I knew I could count on you.

Now is time to talk about money.

Well, lets see now.

What would you like for dinner tonight, Agarn?

Surprise me, captain.

Well, we could warm up

the left-over birch bark,

if we could get the fire started again.

Captain, I have a confession to make.

Confession?

Yes, sir.

You're looking at a renegade.

A renegade?

That's right, sir.

I've been running guns to the Apache.

And it's your duty as an officer to arrest me.

Take me back to the fort and throw me

into the mess hall.

Or the guardhouse.

Uh-oh.

I think you're getting hysterical again.

But it's true, captain. I'm only spying on the Army.

You see...

I'm really, a... A half-breed Indian.

Ohh.

You'd never get me to believe

you're half Indian, Agarn.

But it's true, sir.

Notice how one side doesn't even crack a twig.

That was my father's side.

You could hear my mother coming a mile away.

They call her Holly Go-heavy.

An egg.

It is an egg.

Captain, we're saved.

Forgive me, captain. I lost my head.

There, there, corporal.

Look...

it didn't break.

It's hard-boiled.

Heh-heh, no, no, that can't be.

It must have fallen out of an eagle's nest.

They just must lay tougher eggs.

Let's just eat it.

Now, wait a minute.

If this fell out of an eagle's nest,

there must be an eagle around here.

If we caught it, we could eat it.

Captain, let's not kill the eagle

that laid the golden egg.

Now, this could lead to something big.

Look, tell me it's not a mirage.

Corporal,

I would swear that that is a chicken leg.

And it's already fried.

Maybe the chicken was hit by lightning.

No, no, I think if it were hit by lightning,

it wouldn't be browned on both sides.

Okay, let's not worry about that, captain.

Now, what do you want, the egg or the leg?

Shh.

Private Dobbs.

Dobbs, old buddy. Give me the banana.

Ah-ah-ah.

I'm surprised at you, Dobbs.

You know this is against orders.

Captain, I wasn't doing anything.

I was just walking along in my tumbleweed

when this banana fell out of my pocket.

Well, what about the... The fried chicken

and the hard-boiled egg?

Uh, they were Duffy's.

All right, Duffy,

wherever you are, come out.

And bring the rest of the chicken with you.

Duffy, old pal.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Bless you, boy.

Ah-ah-ah.

I'm sorry, Agarn,

but we have to get the food ourselves

with no outside help.

Uh, Captain Parmenter?

Yes, Dobbs.

Can I have that chicken leg?

I'm not on a survival test.

Oh, of course, Dobbs.

Eating in front of a starving man,

your little heart is made of stone.

Oh, Chief Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat.

Am I glad to see you... Oh.

We been walking around for hours.

If we not have all that food

we'd have starved to death.

Ah, it's all becoming very clear to me now.

It's obvious that somebody

has put all of you up to this.

And I think I know who that somebody is.

It's not Sergeant O'Rourke.

I guess that settles that.

Now, if you gentlemen will excuse us,

Corporal Agarn and I will resume our survival test.

Eh, begging the captain's pardon,

but our horses ran off and neither one of us

knows how to get back to the fort.

Well, in that case, Chief Wild Eagle

can lead you back to his village.

All right...

Birds always fly north in winter.

Eh, no, no, no, chief.

Bird always fly south in the winter.

But sun rise in west and set in east.

No, no, the sun rises in the east

and sets in the west.

Captain Parmenter, you looking at a chief

who don't know his sunset from his bird.

Hi, Janey.

Did you talk to Duffy and Dobbs?

Yeah, they, uh... They went up there.

I also made arrangements with Wild Eagle.

Good, I'm going up there now.

I've got an apple pie in my saddlebag.

Aha, fine, with all the food I sent,

that's all they need is dessert, heh.

At ease, sergeant. Huh.

Uh, Colonel Ferguson,

I would like you to meet Wrangler Jane.

Pleased to meet you, colonel.

Likewise.

Colonel Ferguson is in charge

of the survival test.

Well, I'm sure Captain Parmenter and Corporal Agarn

are gonna come through with flying colors.

Well, I hope so.

I was a little reluctant

to send any men from F Troop.

But I...

Could I be smelling homemade apple pie?

Oh, y-yes, sir. You certainly could.

Our cook is famous for his apple pie, sir.

Just like mother used to make.

My mother used to make terrible apple pie.

Oh.

I think that we're smelling apple pie

in this saddlebag.

Now, what would an apple pie be doing

in my saddlebag?

Taking it to Captain Parmenter?

That's exactly what I was smelling.

Mighty fine apple pie, young lady.

I am placing you under arrest,

Sergeant O'Rourke, for disobeying orders,

O'Rourke didn't talk me into taking the pie to Wilton.

I thought of it myself.

Y-you hear that, colonel?

Now, I am sure that Captain Parmenter

made arrangements with members of his troop

to bring them food.

I demand that Captain Parmenter

be court-martialed.

That's a very serious charge, captain.

Well, I have more evidence than this, sir.

I saw two of Sergeant O'Rourke's men

sneaking out of the mess hall,

with hard-boiled eggs, fresh fruit and fried chicken.

I don't believe I'd press those charges, colonel.

Until, uh, you talk to Captain Parmenter.

Just arriving there now, sir.

Hut, hut, two, three, four.

Troop, halt.

Captain Parmenter, sir.

At ease, captain.

Now, tell me.

What's this all about,

and how did you ever capture these Indians?

Captured? Oh, no, no.

We didn't capture these Indians, colonel.

This is Chief Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat.

They're our friends.

You see that, colonel.

He got friendly Indians to bring him food, too.

What bring him food?

We ate the whole thing before we left the teepee.

And he didn't have a bite

of what we brought him.

Then we found out we were lost,

and Captain Parmenter led us out of the woods,

or we might have all been goners.

Oh, Wilton, I'm so proud of you.

Mm.

Janey, please, not in front of the brass.

Captain Parmenter...

I would say that you've gone above and beyond

the call of duty in this survival test.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised

if there was a medal in it for you.

Thank you, colonel.

But d-don't forget now,

Corporal Agarn was with me.

Colonel, instead of that medal.

Could I just have a piece of that apple pie?

Of course.

I-I don't want to seem ungrateful

but you were both wrong

to try to get food to us during that survival test.

It was all my fault, sir.

I just underestimated you.

So did I, Wilton.

Well, next time I'm on a survival test

don't you dare send fried chicken.

Baked ham, yes.

Fried chicken always gives me

a touch of indigestion.

Well, uh, I'll remember that, sir.

By the way, wh-where's Corporal Agarn?

Well, ever since you got back to the post

he's just been eating, sir.

I've never seen a man

put away as much food as he has.

You better get over to the mess hall, captain.

We're running out of food.