Original subtitles

You. Taxi.

- Scottie. - Ah.

What?

Where can I reach you at Vegas?

I'll call you.

Hey, listen, stay on top of the Hillary thing, will you?

I've got a client list right here.

I'll see you in a couple of days.

New York Hospital.

- Hey, I thought you were going to Vegas. - I lied.

- Eighth floor. - Eighth floor.

Hold it a minute, everybody.

I got this great idea.

Let's all meet a year from today.

Man, that got nothing.

Dr. Bexley, please. Dr. Bexley.

Dr. Bexley, please. Dr. Bexley.

Bingo.

Dr. Cheymarco. Dr. Lopez.

- Morning, doctor. - Morning, nurse.

Morning, my dear. Time for your physical.

- Are you my doctor? - No, I'm Dr. Cronkite.

Your doctor wanted a second opinion just to make sure.

- Shouldn't those go in your ears? - No, that just confuses me.

Actually, I'm here to do the internal.

Why would I need an internal? I just had an appendectomy.

Yeah, but when I play doctor, I play doctor.

- Now, my name is Scott Templeton, my dear. I am a desperately lonely man.

- And I am Sally Hames. - Hi.

- And I just had my appendix out. - Oh.

- What are you in for? - Tests, good old tests.

Well, when you're an older person, Sally,

you have to be checked out now and then for dry rot. And termites.

General signs of deterioration.

You don't look like an older person.

And you certainly don't act like one.

Oh, thank you.

I'll be 53 in three months.

You managed to look so young.

That is very simple, you see.

I treat my body like a temple.

I never put anything or any one not organically grown in my mouth.

- Scottie. - Ah?

We're ready to see you now.

You hold that thought, will you, my pet?

Honest to God, Gladys,

you gotta pull yourself together, girl.

I was just beginning to get somewhere with that cute little thing.

We're not gonna learn to control that insane jealousy you've done.

Hey, how's your ankle?

Still broken, Scottie.

I see.

- Doctor. - Thank you.

Those are very serious.

Thanks. This is funny.

Hi.

Taxi.

21, please.

It's an emergency.

Emergency?

Yeah, we have to get the taste of the hospital food out of our mouths.

Unless, of course, you have a better idea.

Not.

You write that yourself?

Huh? Yeah.

I... Oh, boy, that's all wrong.

You're supposed to be standing there looking funny but adorable

in a pair of my pajamas that are much too big for you.

And then my boyfriend comes in and sees me in your pajamas

and thinks we've been to bed together.

Why didn't we go to bed together?

Well, I can answer that word. It's the age difference. You're too old for me.

Why don't you get that cute body into the kitchen, huh,

and get us both some coffee? It's all ready.

You know, you were really quite weird.

I mean, you turned the hell out of me,

and then you lured me back to your place in the...

I've seen luring in my time. Last night, there was absolutely no luring.

Maybe a little leering, but no luring. Are you sure you're not an actress?

- Why? - The way you're avoiding the kitchen.

See, I find you can only get breakfast out of an actress

if you put tape marks on the kitchen floor.

What kind of modeling do you do, anyway? Fashion? Photographic?

- Nude? - Make me an offer.

Mostly, I hand out balloons at conventions.

That's a pretty song.

Oh, thank you.

Maybe someday I'll get an ending for him.

How long have you been working on it?

Ew, 20 years.

What do you call it?

Lack of discipline. What else?

I couldn't find any orange juice.

Oh, well, that's probably behind the bar, I love.

The bar? Oh, yeah, the bottom shelf on the right of books there.

You pull the fourth book out from the left.

The book?

Yeah, just pull it out.

You'll find yourself in the middle of Lost Weekend. Give it a yank.

Atta girl.

Hey, that is terrific.

Oh, yeah.

You have a terrific place.

Well, thank you.

Is that your son?

Where? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's him.

He took that himself.

He always was good with a camera.

Why did you stop writing movies?

Huh?

Didn't you like being a writer?

Oh, hell, I loved being a writer.

I just hated writing.

How come?

Well, for one thing, you have to be in a room all alone. I like to mix.

Geez, I really should have been a head waiter.

What do you do now?

I'm a Broadway press agent. If you want to get fancy, that means I'm in public relations.

- Well, what's it like being in public relations? - Actually, it's a lot like being a head waiter.

Hey, relax. Don't be nervous. How bad can it be?

- It's been three years. - So?

Look, as you know, at the best of times, I'm not very good at...

- Making contact? - Making contact, that's good.

It's just that when I'm around him, I seem to turn into a different person.

- Who? - Beats me.

It sure isn't me.

Now, remember, I am available for parties,

afternoon teas, conversation, or almost anything.

- There's no need to rush off, you know. - I got an audition.

I want to thank you.

I laughed so hard my stitches hurt.

Well, then give me a kiss.

Right here. That's all.

I didn't think a big city girl like you was going to fall for an old gag like that.

- I didn't. - Well, I didn't think you did.

I'll be in touch.

Come on in, Jud. The door's open, son.

Jud, how...

Of all the gin mills in all the towns in all the world, she has to fall into mine. Maggie.

Hi, Scottie. Jud just getting his stuff out of the taxi.

Don't just stay in there looking up my skirt. Come up here and give me a kiss.

- Why don't you come down here? - Well, this is closer to the bedroom.

I thought maybe we'd have a little slap and tickle before the kid comes in

and puts a damper on everything.

- Could you make that retroactive? - Oh, yeah.

I'll meet you halfway.

Well, you got it.

You look marvelous.

How's that chap you live with treating you?

That chap I live with has just been made a full professor.

He treats me very well.

I'm very happy for you, though.

I know you are.

- It's one of your better qualities. - It may be the only one.

What are you doing in New York?

Came to see Dad. He's in a nursing home.

How long you been in the Teamsters Union, son?

What?

He missed it.

God damn it. Just sort of slid...Oh, the hell with it.

How are you, son?

Fine. Just fine.

- Good to see you, Dad. - What the hell is this?

Are we in a Chevrolet dealer's convention? It's a nice doing business with you, Sam.

Come on and give your old man a sloppy bear hug like a proper son.

Ah, that a boy.

- Have you told him yet? - Huh? What? Tell me what?

A friend of Don has offered Jud a teaching assistant job this summer.

Where?

Berkeley.

It'll help with the tuition and be great experience.

Experience for what?

- Teaching. I've decided that I want to teach. - You want to teach?

- Why this sudden urge to become Mr. Chips? - Yes.

- Well, let me try to answer that question. - It's not a press conference, kid.

- Just relax. - I decided that if I got a PhD in history,

it would give me a number of options.

I could teach or I could use my writing ability to make a contribution as a social historian.

I applied to Berkeley and was accepted for the fall.

My feeling is, naturally, it is the correct move.

And then when this summer job came up, I really couldn't afford to pass it by.

When does the job start?

They wanted me immediately, but I managed to put them off for a week

- so that I could visit you. - What the hell do you mean?

- You're only gonna be here a week? - That's okay with you.

Okay with me? Well, I just wish you'd consulted me.

- I would have, but...

Well, I knew it wouldn't make much difference to you one way or the other.

You know, we always did kid around a lot, but I would like to ask one serious question.

Who's his father? Who, the Japanese gardener?

You realize that there's not one damn thing about me that's anything like him?

It was the pool man, the one with the tight jeans and the tattoo.

That kid's 20 years old. He dresses like he's out of a Chekhov play. Tell me something.

Is his face always that clenched?

Jud's a very serious person, always has been.

Oh, not always. Do you remember when I used to wear that crazy chicken outfit?

You remember the costume I brought home from the studio? The wah, wah, wah.

Hell, he used to roll around the floor, roaring with laughter.

Scottie, he was eight years old then.

All I know is I want him to stay here, damn it.

But this opportunity is very important to him.

Oh, God, it's important to me that he stays here.

Why?

Because.

I want him to get to know me. You know, and I want to get to know...

What do you want, a couple of choruses of sunrise, sunset?

There is something you're not telling me.

Why do you say that?

Well, you could always make me laugh, but you could never lie to me.

I got you right.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I remember when I showed up for the property settlement in an old suit

with a tin cup full of pencils.

You were the only one who laughed.

It's a shame that Jud didn't.

I spent a little time in the hospital, Maggie.

It turns out I'm in less than perfect health.

How imperfect?

Well, I'll tell you, when they advise you to get your affairs in order,

you tend to think they're posting a closing notice.

It's some kind of a blood disorder, Maggie.

God, I don't... Maybe after all of the abuse I've heaped on, it's finally turning on me.

Oh, Goddamn, I knew it. Now, don't do that.

Will you please? I never would have burdened you with this, so help me.

It's just that, Jud, here, take it easy.

Are you all right?

Oh, God.

Is there any possibility of a mistake?

What?

No, there's no mistake.

And no cure.

Whee!

You know the damnedest thing?

It was right out of the old movies.

I found myself saying all of those lines.

How long have I got, Doc?

I'm not sure. I think I even said give it to me straight.

Well, I always said Warner Brothers has a hell of a lot to answer for.

Scottie, when are you going to stop using the whole world as a straight man?

Will you believe me? It's a case of no ass to kick and no heart to appeal to.

Now, look, off the subject,

all right, I never, ever would have mentioned it except for Jud.

Well, I can understand now why you want him to stay.

That's not purely selfish, you know, I tell you, the boy worries me.

Hell, he's still the same, dear.

My God, there's no zest for life.

I mean, there's no joy. There's no...

Anyway, I've been thinking now.

I can't leave him any money. I think we both know that.

I can hardly leave that kid any childhood memories.

Anyway, I realize that there's only one thing in my entire life

that I've ever done really well, and that's just have fun.

Right? Okay, if I could teach him that, it would be something, wouldn't it?

Only I don't know how the hell to do it.

All I know is this. I need time to take a shot at it.

- If he... - Why don't you tell him the truth?

Huh? Well, oh, my God, I'd never do that.

Why not?

It would depress the hell out of him.

Maybe it would depress him.

- Oh, God, Maggie, could you get him to... - I'll talk to him.

Dammit, Maggie.

- Why did we ever call it quits? - Think hard. I'll come back to you.

I've been thinking, love. I keep coming up blank.

You didn't think you had talent. I did.

- Oh, that. I always found that very touchy. - No, you didn't. You found it annoying.

It is annoying.

He wants you to stay longer, Jud.

Why?

Is that such a surprise?

Why didn't he ask me?

Well, maybe he's shy with you, huh?

Maybe it's time you two try a fresh start.

Okay. I'll stay.

- Well, that was easy. - Easy for you.

- It's all set. - Oh, what did you tell him?

- Scottie, you are his father. - Yeah, well, I don't know about that.

- When's your plane leave, love? - Tomorrow morning.

- Hey, is there anything I can do to help? - Yeah.

Come on back and have dinner with me, can you?

- I want to look at your funny face some more. - Okay.

- See you later. - Yeah.

Hot damn.

- Hello. - Hey, Jud.

Listen, I'm sorry, you know, about screwing up your summer plans,

but I just want you to know I appreciate you spending time with your old man.

Okay?

Yes.

Well, I'm very flattered.

You're flattered?

Yeah, I mean, well, I'm sure I can find something to do.

Whoopi. Listen, it's not going to be a total loss.

I know a girl who has been crouched in the sprint position

just waiting for you to get into town, kid.

Why would she want to meet me?

I told her you were often mistaken for John Travolta.

And what am I supposed to do when she sees me?

Tell her you had a bad flight.

Come on.

Listen, kid, have you ever stayed at home with girls, huh?

Who got you your very first date when you were, what were you, about 16 or something?

Remember?

Yeah, yeah, a little ballet dancer.

- Since you brought it up. - Yeah.

When I got back to Canada, I found out she had given me a dose of VD.

- You're kidding. Why didn't you tell me? - The damage was done.

I mean, it was a little late to do anything to prevent it.

Maybe for you.

Will you go along with me this time, please?

- This girl is - Dad.

- just to... - I like to make my own friends.

Thank you.

Anyway, I want to use my time here to get some work done.

Oh, yeah, with the, uh... Whatever happened to that girlfriend of yours in Pennsylvania.

What girl?

What do you... You're supposed to say eerie, and then I say, uh...

Oh, I did think she was a little weird.

You remember that vodka routine we used to do?

I had to be six years old then, Dad.

Well, yeah, but we did it almost every day.

How could you forget that?

Maybe it's because I always had to play straight man.

You're no trooper, kid.

Hiya, sweet stuff.

Well, welcome back.

- Thank you, dear. This is my son, Jud. - How do you do?

I've been trying to reach you all morning.

- Oh, client book. - Oh, good, thanks.

Why is your receiver off the hook?

I heard Raquel Welch was in town.

I don't want to be bothered with all those pleading phone calls.

Couldn't you phone me from Las Vegas?

- Well, I was on vacation one night. - So you couldn't pick up the telephone?

It had been useless. It's like working for Molly Goldberg. Say hi to Jud.

- You look good kid. - It's nice to see--

You've got a hundred messages here, Scottie.

- Yeah? - Dad, why don't I just get out of your way?

Oh, come on. You hang around and watch the pathetic way

your old man makes a living. What do you got?

Well, I got the usual phone calls. The guys reach out of town.

They phone, they want to know where the action is.

Yeah, good.

Oh, Dr. Petrelli called twice this morning.

- She said it was urgent. - I'll take care of that.

Anything to do with the hot flashes you've been having lately?

What? Do you listen to him with the hot flashes?

I never had one hot flash.

A few dizzy spells, maybe, but...

Yeah, brought on by the incredible demands made nightly upon your tired old body.

- Yeah, did she say that? - Oh, you did.

Oh.

Scottie, the limo's waiting for you.

I phoned Hillary, and she's expecting you in half an hour.

Ah, terrific.

Thank you.

You're going to love Hillary, Judge.

She is, well, she's marvelous.

Is she in show business, too?

Yeah, more or less.

Except she does her entertaining on a one-to-one basis.

She's the kind of girl who makes ends meet by... by making ends meet.

You mean she's a hooker?

No. Well, I would prefer to say that she's an old friend who does everything but kiss.

Listen, I hope that's all. It can wait, can't it?

We want to pick up Hillary and Jud and I want to spend time together.

No, no, no, no, no. Dad, there's a photographic exhibition at the Museum of Natural History.

- I really want to see it. - There's nothing here that can't wait

a few more hours. Go ahead, have a good time.

Are you waiting for rain?

You're not really going out in public in that coat, are you?

Let's go.

Look, the way I figured it is you can have yourself a few real good years in my business

and then the wear and tear of it's gonna get to you.

You know what I mean?

Um, yes, I think so.

Yeah, but I was okay because I had a plan, right?

I was gonna give myself a deadline and a goal and then I was gonna retire

and set myself up with a little travel agency.

And I was doing great. I was doing just great.

I was right on schedule.

And then I got busted. Twice.

Then I got sick. Once.

And between the doctor's bills and the lawyer's fees,

well, suddenly I found myself knocked right out of the box,

if you'll pardon the expression.

- That must have been very difficult. - Yeah, it was because--

- Hey, Scottie. - What?

Scottie, I didn't tell you what else happened to me.

On top of everything else, you know my client's book is missing?

- You're kidding. - Yeah, but you know, I don't understand

what anybody else would want with it. The whole thing's written in code, and I--

Wait a minute. Scottie. Why are you looking so self-satisfied?

Me? Why? I was just so pleased that the two of you were getting along together so well.

Yeah, of course you were, but that's not it. What's going on?

You were very depressed.

I thought a nice luncheon with an old friend would cheer you up.

- Why the limousine? - I love limousines.

Well, they prove my theory. If you can't buy happiness, at least you can rent it.

Yeah, I suppose you can say the same thing about me, huh?

Scottie, Scottie, something is going on here.

You're up to something and I want to know what it is.

Just get your tushy in there.

Scottie, what is this? Do the faces look familiar? Huh?

- Oh, my God. - And they're all your clients.

- But, Scottie, I don't understand. - Well, you will. You just come with old Dad.

- Oh, hey. How's your wife? - She's terrific.

- Bubble Dad. - Bubble Dad?

You're getting a testimonial luncheon, my dear.

250 bucks a plate.

What?

Come on! Let's hear it!

That's it! Come on! Let's hear it!

That's it!

You're being forcibly retired.

Let's hear it!

Hey, how are you? It's good to see you again.

Sit down. It's going to be a long lunch.

Okay. Sit down, relax. It's going to be a long afternoon.

I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today.

No, we all know exactly why we're here today.

And to start things off, we're first going to hear from an old and dear friend of Hillary's,

Max... ...Kunfarts. Go ahead, Max.

Hey, hey! Jud! Come here, son.

What the hell? You're not leaving already? The luncheon just started.

Dad, this is the last day of that exhibition, and I really don't want to miss it.

- Oh, yeah, the, uh... - Yes.

The camera thing, yeah.

Well, okay, I tell you what, why don't you pick me up

at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre around 2.30, huh?

And then we'll play.

We can visit my money at the track.

Right.

I'll take you to a joint on 42nd Street.

They're gonna let you wrestle a naked lady.

Don't feel like you have to entertain me.

That wasn't for you, kid. The last time I was there, they let me win two out of three falls.

- Look, Dad. - What?

I appreciate everything you're doing. Really, everything.

It's just that... Well, I don't have time for all that.

You see, I don't see the point.

Well, I guess there is no point, Jud.

It's just called having a good time.

Yes, well, I prefer to have a good time my own way.

Thank you. I'll see you around.

Look, Jud, I want to spend time with you.

I mean...

Well, you know, I want to catch up with what you've been doing with your life. Okay?

Sure.

I'll be around.

Yeah.

Hillary, in recognition of your years of arduous service... servicing...

...we want to present you with this beautiful gold watch.

Hello, Miss Sally Haines, please.

- She gave her... - Hi there, how are you?

Listen, look, you remember that picture you saw of my errant son?

Anyway, my father was a construction engineer.

We moved around a lot, so I was always the new kid in town.

I was a kind of shy, scruffy-looking kid,

so it was difficult making friends.

You know, you should try this pastrami. It is terrific.

Anyway, I hit on this dumb idea.

I took the first name of the most popular girl from the last school. Can you believe it?

For about three months, I was actually called Muffin.

I can't ever imagine you being unattractive or shy.

- I got over it. - How?

- I grew tits. - That's funny. That never worked for me.

I think I'm really going to like you.

Why?

Because you didn't say I told you so.

Hold on. Hold on.

This way.

Your father must be pretty loaded to afford a place like this.

Oh, no, no, not really.

See, his partner, well, his boss, really, is an old friend of his.

He owns the building.

What is it?

Oh, nothing.

I just can't get over the fact that you're here.

You invited me.

Yes, I know.

It's just that you're my first pickup.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to sound offensive.

What I mean is I'm not very good at meeting girls, you know.

Well, I thought I'm very pleased that you're here.

Why didn't you talk to me the first time I approached you?

Oh, I didn't know what to say.

Do you have trouble talking to people?

No, I used to stutter.

And then when that cleared up,

I kind of had trouble getting into the hang of things again.

It's not as weird as it sounds.

Wanna bet?

Do you visit your father every summer?

No.

I used to, but I haven't for a couple of years.

Well, why did you decide to visit him this summer?

Oh, a lot of reasons.

You have a lot of trouble talking about anything personal, don't you?

Yes, well, I don't know you very well.

- Can I have a bite of your pickle? - Hmm?

- Um, well, there's a pickle right there. - I want a bite of yours.

- You can have the whole pickle. - No, just a bite.

There. Now we share a pickle.

Yes. I noticed that.

So now we know each other a lot better.

And you can tell me anything you want.

Okay. I wanted to tie up some loose ends, you see.

I'm going to school out on the West Coast, and that is 3,000 miles away.

Well, I thought this might be a very good opportunity

to reach a better understanding with my father.

Is that so hard?

You really hated me taking a bite out of your pickle, didn't you?

It's nothing personal. I don't like anyone touching my food.

And you don't think that's weird?

My God, he's got a girl in here again. I don't believe you.

I would think after that shabby episode you had with the chambermaid,

you would have learned your lesson. How do you do, my dear?

- I'm Scott Templeton, Jeff's teenage father. - How do you do?

- Where did you find her? - This is Sally Haines, Dad.

And I found her at the Museum of Natural History.

I didn't know they let you bring the exhibits home.

Would you like to join our picnic? We have plenty of food.

One condition. There'll be absolutely no hugging or kissing. You hear me?

- Well, we'll try to control ourselves, if you will. - My God, he's making jokes already.

- It must be good for him. - Shall we dine?

You two go ahead and start. I'm gonna make myself a drink first.

- You sit down. I'll get it. - Oh, thank you.

- Oh, the bar is behind the panel there. - I know. Fourth book for the right.

Give it a yank. Okay, well, you have. I used to be a cocktail waitress in Lake Tahoe. Oh, shit.

Exactly, yes.

I can explain this, son. We just thought it might be fun.

Come on, I mean, I knew it was a setup all along.

You did? How?

Yes, well, I mean, I looked in the mirror this morning.

I'm not exactly Robert Redford, you know.

Come on.

What do you think you're dealing with here? I mean, I happen to be a college graduate.

If you knew it was a setup from the start, why did you go through with it?

Listen, I never said my father didn't have taste.

I'm really sorry.

There's nothing to be sorry about.

We're gonna dine or what?

- I guess I overplayed my role, Scottie. - Huh?

Oh, well, no harm done, love.

It looks like you got the part anyway.

I tell you, I think I'll take a little rain check on dinner.

I do have a late date.

I've got to perfume my body and slip into something stunning.

Jud, I'm sorry. Okay?

I promise you there'll be no more cheering from the cheap seats.

That's just about the most charming man I've ever met.

Oh, yes. He's built a whole career on it. Never met a man he couldn't charm.

He just wanted you to have a good time, Jud.

My father has made a living from being a court jester and a glorified pimp.

I don't want him pimping for me, okay?

- If he's a pimp, what does that make me? - I don't make those sort of judgments.

You don't. That's all you do.

Look, you don't know a damn thing about him.

I'll see you later. Not too soon, I hope.

Yes?

Hold up.

You know how good it is to see that you can still... still laugh?

Well, it's not funny.

It's stupid. It's so courting.

What the hell do you expect at these prices, Noël Coward?

- I didn't expect anything. - Oh, God. I don't know.

I figured that you were, shall we say, slightly obsessed with...

I don't know. I just thought if somehow I could get you laughing first,

it just might make it a little easier to apologize.

Hey, where's Sally?

Well, she left.

What do you mean? Why?

I, um... I think I called her a whore.

Jesus.

Of course, I would have played it differently.

What in the hell did you do a thing like that for?

I guess I just overreacted to that whole situation.

You overreacted. Jesus.

What the hell?

You look ridiculous.

You're damn right.

Hey, does that bring back memories, though, huh?

Why'd you keep it all these years?

Sentimental reasons.

When you split with Mom, why didn't you tell me about it?

Well, when I... Well, you're going back a few years, aren't you, son?

Oh, that's okay. I really didn't expect an answer.

Well, uh... Was it that rough on you, Jud?

Oh, I got used to it.

It's just that I woke up one morning and you had gone.

Yeah.

Well, uh... I never really could figure it out myself, Jud.

Well, of course, you were very young. I didn't know the right words.

What about afterwards?

Afterwards, I didn't have the guts.

I'm sorry.

Yes, well, I appreciate the directness of your answer.

- You want some wine? - Uh, no.

Thank you.

Well, I'm not going to stand idly by and watch you become some hopeless alcoholic

- over a lover's tip, you know? - Dad, she's just a girl

- I've known for about six hours. - Yeah, exactly.

But, uh, I suspect you might like to see her again.

How do I do that?

Oh, well, hell, now you're talking, son.

You see, it has been my experience in matters such as these

that the best course of action is begging and pleading.

You think I should grovel?

Groveling's good.

Oh, you get down on your knees and kiss the hem of her dress if you have to.

Okay. If groveling's what it takes, I'll grovel.

Ah, I'll make a man of you, my boy.

What will you do, huh?

Oh, hell, don't worry about me, Jud. I'll find plenty of work to do.

Somebody always wants their name in the paper or something.

You know, a couple of years ago,

I came across some of those stories you wrote before you went to the coast.

You never told me that.

They were very good.

No, not really, no.

I thought so, yes.

You did?

Wow.

Well, that's... Well, they fooled a lot of people, Jud.

Well, hell, that's the story of my life, son.

All the form, none of the ability.

That doesn't explain the quality of the work I read.

Well, I don't say I was, you know, totally without talent.

I was a pretty good literary mimic, is what I was.

I was good enough to get to the West Coast, anyway.

And then you stopped writing.

Yeah, but not right away.

Oh, God, when I got to Hollywood,

I found that it was cheap, vulgar, tacky, superficial,

everything that I'd always wanted.

So what the heck? I mean, with distractions like that,

naturally my concentration, which was never my strong suit,

dwindled to that of a monkey. And there was obviously only one thing

that I could do: become a producer. And the rest, as they say, is show business tree.

Tell me something. Does it ever bother you

that you have nothing you can point to with any pride?

Well, I'd always rather hoped that it would be you.

Yes.

Well, um, I have enjoyed having this talk.

So have I, Mr. Carstairs. I'm certainly going to speak to my little woman

about that insurance policy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, damn it.

It's just that sometimes

when things affect me emotionally, I make inappropriate responses.

Oh God, so do I.

So do I, son.

Who is it?

It's a mugger.

My mother?

Forgive me.

Or just kick the bike away.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I gotcha!

- Oh, boy. - May I come in?

Come on in.

- I raised 50. - Take my money.

- Oh, God. I got two pairs. - Yeah, I got a straight.

- Oh! - You know, Audrey, my second wife,

only tennis players that ever had a playboy centerfold layout.

Only the sex wasn't really that great.

After it, she always looked at me like I'd given her a bad line call.

Scottie, you're gonna deal or you're gonna tell us your mom was?

And take your money.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Whatever happened to hello, for heaven's sake?

Gentlemen, I want you to meet an old family retainer, Dr. Gladys Petrelli.

She's crazy about my body.

- This isn't a social call, Scottie. - You always say that, love.

How many times do I have to tell you, Gladys,

I won't take my clothes off without a nurse present?

I'll look back in three minutes in for the cops.

Let's play poker.

Deal, Andy.

As an eminent physician, your bedside manner leaves a lot that we desire, kid.

Don't play games with me, Scottie. Why did you sneak out of that hospital?

- Why are you limping on your good foot? - Because my feet swell when I fly.

I had to leave that conference in Washington just to see you.

I think that's terrific.

All the doctors in the country, I get the one who makes house calls.

Don't you think it's time that you started acting like a responsible adult?

Oh, you're going to make impossible demands.

I mean, didn't you understand what Hal Shumway and I told you yesterday?

I mean, didn't we spell out why the treatments must be started immediately?

- Didn't we lay everything on the line? - No, not everything.

You left out some charming side effects like my hair is gonna fall out.

So what?

So what? You know how I hate not looking my best.

What are you doing?

I'm getting you another room at the hospital.

Oh, no, you're not. You're gonna put the phone down.

Gladys, let's play put down the phone. It's very simple.

You just take the phone, you put it down. That's all there is to--

What the hell do I have to do? Wrestle you to the ground? Come on.

I have something important to say.

- You have two minutes, Scottie. - The kid just got into town today, Gladys.

Now, how the hell am I supposed to be amusing,

lying in some hospital cot with a hose off my nose, huh?

- Scottie, just--. - Now, look, please, let's face it.

As a father, I've been strictly a lounge act.

I need time, love. I've got to freshen up my image.

Stop tap dancing, Scottie. You've got to go back to another hospital. Why not tonight?

No, not tonight. Yeah, I'm sorry. My dance card is all filled.

Oh! My goodness. We don't seem to have these in your size.

However, you might be interested in our blue suede slingback pumps.

- All right. Not tonight. - Good.

- Tomorrow. - Tomorrow?

I'll pick you up on my way to the hospital.

- Be ready at 8 o'clock. - Were you ever in the Marines?

- Need anything to help you sleep? - Oh, sleep. Ha, ha.

After these treatments of yours...

...a fairly normal life.

It won't all be velvet, Scottie, but with luck, the good times will outweigh the bad.

- What about sex? - If you want.

Turn the lights. Strip your clothes off. Lie down on the couch.

- Don't make any rash promises. - One kiss, at least?

Just right here. Right now.

I let you feel my foot. That should be enough for you.

Gladys.

I'm terrified.

I know, Scottie.

Oh, God. Do this. Oh, jeez. Oh, do, do, do. Oh, jeez. Yeah.

Hi there. how are you? I'd like to speak to a Mr. Lou Daniels, please.

I don't know what room number. And it... hmm? He's not gonna be back to... A message?

Yeah, just tell him his lawyer called about the morals charges.

Wait a minute. Operator? Yeah, there's no sense keeping the poor man in suspense.

Tell him one of the triplet dropped the charges. The other two are still sticking to this story.

He's got my number.

For his sake.

Phew.

Oh, God. I'm going around the bend, for God's sake. I'm going around the bend.

I'm doing bits. Nobody's here to see it.

Oh, my God! It's the old lady!

Estelle, down from the chandelier, my pet! Quickly!

Everybody, back into your clothes. Let go of my leg, you silly mad goose, you!

I'm coming!

Gertrude, I'm from under the oven, but she is up.

Everybody act normal.

Hi.

Pull up your pants, Scottie.

Why? You always said my right leg was my greatest feature.

Well, it's still adorable, but I'm a married woman.

Yeah, well, you always were a loyal little beast.

You had your chance.

- How are you? - It's been a funny day.

What do you mean? Funny?

Cue your funny ha ha.

Funny. I didn't know it was going to turn out this way.

How's you get?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

You want one of mine?

I think you're avoiding the moment of truth.

This way!

You look like big birds!

Welcome back to the River Cafe, Mr. Templeton.

- Thank you. - Good to see you, sir.

Thank you. Nice to see you.

- Could I get you a cocktail? - Yes, sure you bet you.

All of my usual and, uh, ooh, uh, scotch soda, no ice.

How come you always remember what everybody drinks?

Well, I had the soul of a hundred-dollar hooker.

Did I ever tell you how I knew when you were cheating on me?

You probably...

You always switched your drink to the one the woman drank.

I... well, I never did have a strong sense of identity.

Anyhow, as I was saying, she is the perfect girl for him.

She's going to show him the finer things of the life.

Like what?

Well, like... laughter and sex and ulcers and alimony and all the things that make you want

to get up in the morning.

Well, apart from the sex education, now how are you two getting along?

Well, we're not exactly Andy and Judge Hardy yet.

Oh, God, we had a good talk going this morning, you know. Started to open up.

Lord, there is scar tissue there. I don't know, Maggie. I have high hopes.

So I. It'll just take time.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, come on.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - My God, you're serious. Don't do that.

- I'm...I'm...Really - Please. Maggie, don't be sorry.

Don't.

Okay.

And do me a favor. Don't make a tragedy out of this, okay?

Okay.

It's impossible to get a cab when it's raining.

I don't believe it.

Well, you said you wanted a cab.

Not bad.

OK.

- Do you mind talking about it? - What, love? In my delicate condition?

Hell, I stop strangers in the street.

Because if you don't, I don't.

What?

Well, I mean, if it helps at all.

- I'm here. - God. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

I mean it.

I love you.

Well, you don't think about it all the time, you know?

Well, I don't.

I think the body has some sort of a built-in mechanism to protect.

I'll tell you though, boy, when they laid it on me, I just...

Why me? Why? Why when right away I went to that stage?

You know, I really know a lot of guys, well, some guys,

they would mind all that much just cashing it in.

I like it here.

I always have.

Did you know the weird thing?

I didn't resent dying.

What bothered me was knowing when.

I guess somehow it robs the event of all spontaneity.

Oh, yeah, then I wanted to drink more and get religion.

But there's one problem.

Too much liquor makes me sick and...

I don't know. Somehow... God never caught my attention.

Well, eventually, why not me? What are you gonna do? What are you...

And at that point, love, so help me, really, I expected some incredible revelation.

Everything would suddenly...

I'll tell you, if I do get any sudden revelations, you're gonna be the first to know, kid.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into an evening with...

You know the worst part?

It's the loss.

I mean, when a friend dies, you lose a friend. But when you die, you lose all of your friends.

What the hell is that? What the... Jesus. Happy days, kid. Going'round the bend.

Jesus, I don't believe me.

- Scottie. - Hmm?

- You know I have to go back tomorrow. - Yes.

But if you want me to come back down here later, I will.

My love, I love you and I thank you, but it is not all that imminent.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be around for a while.

Not to change the subject, but...

Did I ever tell you about the time when I took Jud fishing at a... Oh, Jesus.

A fish farm where you're guaranteed to catch a fish. You know what I mean? Okay.

Ten bucks a pop, right? Plot point.

Well, he was so happy casting away with his little pole and casting away.

I snuck off to a local gin game. I came back about two and a half hours later.

I caught the kid sitting on a mound of 28 trouts.

Well, guess what that caused me?

Damn it, I think I'm making myself cry.

No, you did it because you know that I can't stand kindness.

Well, that's terrific.

That's terrific.

I got a tar of water coming out of my nose. What?

Oh, my God, you don't suppose I'm pregnant too, do you? God, Maggie, what the hell?

Let me ask you one question, love.

You don't suppose I'm being a little too macho about the whole thing, do you?

Don't, please don't do that, because I'm fine.

It's just that I can't believe that the whole... Oh, Jesus.

Ah, damn it.

Look, I'm fine. I'm fine, you see.

My mascara running. Where is my...

I'm sorry.

Oh, God, Maggie. Times have changed, love.

Mr. Matthew in the bed.

Hey, Jud. Hey. What are you doing in the home so early, son?

Sally kicked me out.

Oh, you struck out.

Oh, no, it wasn't your fault, Coach. Smaller problem with the recent appendectomy...

Oh so, I forgot.

I have a date with her for breakfast.

- But tomorrow morning... - Scottie, I can't find my skirt.

I don't know whether you tore it off me in the heat of passion down there.

You know, I bet if you were a private detective that

your mom and I'd probably end up in some of those funny grainy black and white shots.

Jud, don't be upset, son. We were reminiscing, I got carried away.

- Get the hell away from me. - Jud, you don't understand the situation.

Don't understand the situation? Oh, I think I've always understood the situation.

I have a totally amoral, irresponsible, selfish child for a father

who doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets his own way.

God, Jud, we can handle the situation, but...

How are we going to handle it? Are you going to climb in your chicken costume? My God!

How do you live with yourself?

I mean, what reason do you give yourself for waking up in the morning?

I mean, what are you doing here besides taking up space?

- Jud, listen to me. Jud! - No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm the one that's gonna die, not him, right? I don't give it there anymore.

Jud, listen to me. I have to talk to you about your father.

Oh, I know all about my father.

Tell me something, Mum.

What was it like being married to a man who cheapens everything he touches?

Now, listen, I had something to do with what happened tonight, too.

- Why don't you hate him? - Oh, would you grow up?

I was grown up when I was eight years old.

- Jud, you can't leave him. - Why not?

Because...

Because he's dying.

What?

Yeah, I... He just found out a couple of days ago.

Well, I wish I could feel something.

It really doesn't change the situation much, does it?

I mean, he's still the same man he's always been.

He's still your father.

Jud!

Oh, fine time to be getting home.

Oh, really, Sophia, you must stop sneaking into my apartment.

Oh, you look like you could use some coffee.

I was worried about you.

Oh, what did you think I was going to do?

I tell you it did cross my mind to throw myself right in front of a taxi.

Only I thought that'd rather a tacky thing to do to the driver.

So then I decided I was going to pin a generous tip to my coat lapel.

I'm only trying to figure out what 20% of my life comes to,

so to slow down the momentum.

What do you tip for a suicide anyway?

$5,000.

That much?

Well, you've gone through your life overtipping, why change now. So what did you do?

I just walked the streets, you know, examining my entire life.

- For how long? - Five minutes.

It's a short subject at best, believe me.

- Oh, fuck. Is Jud still here? - I don't know.

Oh. Well, that kid doesn't know a good exit speech when he makes one.

Did you tell him I was gonna croak?

Oh, I wish you'd stop talking like Humphrey Bogart.

No, come on. Never mind that now. Did you?

No.

- I felt that should be your decision. - Yeah.

You gonna let him stay?

I had an aunt once who said children ought to be like waffles.

You should be able to throw the first one out.

Yes, well, Jud may be a little charred around the edges,

but he's still the child you've got.

And whatever happened to your plan to introduce him to the finer things in life?

I don't think he has the talent for it, dear. I really don't.

He didn't mean everything he said, you know, Scottie.

What? Nothing he said gave us any surprise to me.

- Oh. - Oh, hell, I've always known what I am.

I think that the trick was to know what you should be.

Listen.

You're still living one step ahead of the bailiffs?

Don't be coy with me, woman.

If you need cab fare, come right out with it.

No, I mean... This situation could get expensive.

Oh, I know. I'm fine. Last week I came out 2,000 ahead in the gin game.

Maggie? Yeah? What are you stalling for? Hm?

- I don't know how to say goodbye. - Ah, yeah.

God, am I good at it. Just give me a tender, chaste kiss.

Right there. Okay?

Well, I think I'm offended.

You never used to let a girl kiss you on the cheek.

Well, lately my timing has all shot to hell, eh?

I'll, um, keep in touch.

Now, what are you doing standing over here?

Waiting for you to leave.

Right, I... I can understand that.

I hope... you'll be able to understand what happened last night.

And what about your current husband? I guess you think he'll understand, too.

- I think he will. - Hmm.

- If I choose to tell him. - That's your problem.

Yes, it is.

- Are you going to stay? - I think I owe it to myself.

Oh?

I'm gonna stick around.

See if there's anything about the son of a bitch I can admire.

Come on, come on.

Hi there, how are you? Dr. Petrelli there? Oh, damn it.

Well, how long ago did she leave? Yeah, no. No message. Thank you.

Hi.

Look, about last night, I guess I, um, flew off the handle and I said a few things.

- Anything you said was true, Jud. - Then why did you let it happen?

Well, unfortunately, I have never given one damn where a situation might end up.

Last night I overdid it.

Why is it with you that everything has to have a punchline?

Because anybody can say the straight lines. And God, I'm tired.

- If we're gonna talk about it, let's do it later. - No, let's just forget it.

Oh, fine. We'll forget it while you answer the door. Thank you very much.

Listen, I have this fantastic offer. You get these fresh bagels and loxs absolutely free,

and all you have to do is support me for the rest of my life. Oh, my God, you look awful.

What orgy were you at last night, and why wasn't I invited?

Well, you wouldn't have liked it anyhow, love. It was badly organized.

Not enough coat hangers.

Actually, I spent the night with a bunch of old goats

who'd love to remember what an orgy was.

Hey, Father, do you ever see any of your dependents anymore?

Uh, what?

Oh, you know, those out-of-work actors and directors

you used to hire every time you got a show to produce.

You ever see any of them?

Well, I try to keep in touch, yeah.

Why? I mean, none of them had any talent, did they?

Yeah, well, if you go through life choosing only talented friends, son,

you may end up very lonely.

- How are you, Jud? Good to see you again. - Hiya, Gladys.

Well, I want you to know that this is the first time I have ever provided

- a pickup and delivery service. - Yeah, yeah.

What do you guys eat when I'm not around here? There is no milk, no sugar, no butter.

Sally Haines, this is Dr. Petrelli.

Look, why don't you run around the corner, huh?

To the market on the corner of 72nd.

- Get whatever you need. - Okay, sure.

Um, uh, you set the table. Be'll back about ten minutes.

Oh, you won't believe this, but my good ankle is still swollen.

You are ready?

I'm not going to any hospital, Gladys.

Scottie, we went all over that last night.

Let's not start again.

Let's not, because this time my mind is made up.

Scottie, don't be stupid. We are talking about your life.

Exactly. It is my life, isn't this?

Let's just for an uncharacteristic moment discuss the quality of that life.

Do you remember Joe Sapstead?

A little roly-poly guy. Had a face like a Campbell's soup kid.

You remember him? Well, anyway. He let them treat him and in two months

they had reduced him to a, God, a stumbling old man.

It was, oh he's still alive, they said, yeah.

Well they didn't convince me because that wasn't him. It wasn't Joe.

That was an entirely different case. Joe Sapstead had a brain tumor.

What the hell is the difference what he had, Gladys?

Are you gonna promise me I don't end up that way?

- I am going to promise to give you time. - For what? Jesus Christ.

I don't have some unfinished concerto in there, do I?

I'm not on the verge of some great discovery. I'm not even in the middle of a good angle.

Scottie, I'm not going to stand by and let you die.

Oh, Jesus, you're determined to depress me, aren't you?

- I'm trying to save you! - Goddammit, will you give me a break?

Gladys, I... I don't want to sit around and bore everyone to death. My God!

Who wants to leave an audience wanting less? You can understand that one, can't you?

I've lost all the prelims. Maybe I can win the main event.

And Jesus, that line looked better in my head than it sounded.

What the hell are you talking about?

You know, this isn't one of those dumb movies that you wrote.

Do I criticize your work?

- What about your son? - Oh, Jesus, let me tell you something, baby.

Every now and then, Gladys, you just have to cut your losses and run.

All right, Scottie.

Exactly what do you plan to do?

I'm trying not to think about it, Gladys.

Then what?

Then I'm going to make a nice, clean exit.

How?

Yeah.

Well, I was rather hoping that you'd provide me with a handy little escape kit.

No? Well, what the hell.

Scottie?

I think it's about time that someone told you that there is a fine line

between being a living legend and a horse's ass.

Jesus Christ, I love it when you get philosophical.

- Don't do this to me, Scottie. - Listen, please, will you? I love you.

I think the biggest regret of my life is that you never officially adopted me, all right?

But damn it, it's time I grew up and took charge of my own life.

Scottie!

The answer is no.

Look at me.

I mean it. No.

Don't look so gloomy. May still take a beer.

Hey, Lady! That's an illegal U-turn you just made there.

- And now it's a fire hydrant. - And I'm a doctor.

I told you. I'm a doctor.

Right. I'm a cop. Have a nice day.

- What was that all about? - I really don't want to talk about it.

Are you going to tell me what's going on this morning?

Knock it off. Okay?

Okay.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm very hassled this morning. I didn't mean to take it out on you.

You know, if this thing between us is going to work out,

you're going to have to start kissing back.

Last night, after I left you,

I walked in on my father and mother.

Together.

Well, you mean together or, uh, together?

Forget it, Sally. Just forget it.

Why are you so uptight? You know how affectionate Scottie is.

If he's so damn affectionate, why the hell did I stutter for five years?

- Didn't you ever like him, Jud? - Liked him?

I adored him. I mean, why not?

It was like having an eight-year-old playmate as a permanent house guest.

Then what happened?

He moved to a different neighborhood.

Jud, that was a long time ago. Why are you so bitter?

You're right. It was a long time ago.

You're doing it again!

Jud!

I don't get it.

How is anyone going to find out about it?

Jesus.

You're just like him.

Oh, come on.

We'd all like to live a neat, ordered, happy ever-after life.

But it just doesn't work out that way.

Sometimes human impulses screw us out.

I don't understand that sort of morality.

You know, I have a feeling that we are never gonna finish a meal together.

I can't be dishonest just because I wanna go to bed with you.

Trust me to get mixed up with an idealist. You know our problem, Jud? You're too old for me.

Look, I doubt we'll be seeing each other again, but if we do, let's make a pact, huh?

Eat first, talk later.

- You okay, kid? - What?

I didn't know you could play.

My father's probably upstairs.

Well, I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you about him.

You know about my father?

Let's get some fresh air. Come on.

Gladys tells me you don't want to help get Scottie into the hospital.

She phoned me right after she left you.

I see.

Well, I don't. I don't understand why I'd have to hit Scottie.

I don't understand why I had to lose my wife five years ago.

I don't understand anything anymore. Mostly, Jud, I don't understand you.

My father doesn't like pain, discomfort in any form. If he wants to avoid it, why shouldn't he?

Well, that explains him. What about you?

I respect his decision.

Suddenly, you got respect.

Is my father good at his job?

- What kind of a question... - Is my father good at his job?

Well let me tell you about your father. Your father's a man who misused his talents.

He's avoided responsibility all his life. He's never been a fan of hard work.

He's lopsed up every chance he's ever had. He's squandered his money.

But there's never been a time where I didn't look forward to seeing him.

And there are hundreds of people just feel the same way I do.

What you're saying is my father is a crowd pleaser.

Exactly.

I wish to God there were few more like him.

Mr. Daniels, there has got to be more to my father than that.

Jud, your father has the enormous gift of taking a hamburger

and making everybody around them feel like they've been at a banquet.

Now if you don't think that that's a great reason for living,

boy, there's something wrong with your sense of values.

It's worth saving, Jud.

- Cheers! Cheers, cheers, cheers. - Jesus, Scottie.

Now, you look a little odd to me, pal.

I always look this way when my heart stops. What the hell are you doing, Scottie?

Holding a bottle of champagne.

I find champagne and orange juice makes breakfast a little more festive.

As for this bottle, I'll have you know it was given to me by an old admirer

in return for my sexual favors, which is intended to give you a small idea

as to just how old this little bottle really is.

Give me some orange juice to go with this.

Well, yeah, I'm going to call up some of my favorite degenerates.

Orange juice and champagne coming up.

I have to talk to you, Dad.

I think I've had enough scenes for one morning. Thank you, Jud.

You can't wait.

Oh, yeah.

Well, wait.

I spoke with Dr. Petrelli.

Oh.

She tell you about my body all aching and racked with pain?

No.

Mother told me last night.

You... I wish she hadn't done that.

Naturally, I was very sorry to hear the news.

Oh, my God, you sound like a Hallmark card.

Sorry about that, too.

Hey, tell me something. Is that why you decided to stay?

It's one of the reasons?

You needn't bother.

You're gonna need all the help you can get.

There is nothing that you can do, Jud.

For one thing, I can get you to a hospital.

You can get... You made your token gesture, and goddammit, that did it.

Listen to this good. I'm only gonna say it once.

I can't think of one damn reason for me to change my mind.

I can.

Can you?

Yes.

You owe it to me to stick around as long as you can.

I didn't know that you held any of my unpaid markers, kid.

Do you know what you said about me last night?

Even if you were justified,

I can only tell you that it did not fill me with parental affection.

Get off my back here and stay off it.

No.

You have walked away from every responsibility you've ever had.

Well, I'm not gonna let you walk away from this one.

No, no, no. I understand. Now, I'm gonna be suffused with guilt, right?

Maybe I'll atone with some stupid, meaningless gesture, right?

Well, it might just give you a little self-respect.

This may come as a surprise to you, kid, but I am loaded with self-respect.

All right, then.

Do it for me.

For you?

Why?

Because I need you.

And when I needed you before, you weren't there.

Well, God damn it, I need you now.

- Where were you when I needed you? - What?

Jesus, I guess there's no two-way street, is there?

Where the hell were you when I was in the middle of the city,

knocking my ass off, looking for a job? Where were you?

Where have you been for two solid years, kid? Isn't that funny?

I haven't seen you rushing madly to keep your old man company, I'll tell you.

- You never insisted that I come. - It was your choice.

- You shouldn't have given me a choice. - Stop it.

My God in heaven, what are we doing?

Okay, look.

Let's just say that I'm not the father that you always wanted, all right?

Has it occurred to you that you are not the son that I always wanted?

I gotta ask you a question. It's driving me crazy.

Did you ever, I mean in your entire life, did you ever do just one, you know,

crazy, funny, spontaneous thing? Did you ever even try?

- Somebody get this door. - I'm gonna tell you one thing, kid.

If that's not comedy relief, we're both in a hell of a lot of trouble.

Why don't you just go fuck yourself!

That's spontaneous!

Not very funny, but spontaneous.

- Never get a job at the Savoy, Lou. - Hey, what happened to Jud?

Oh, that's a very good question.

Where the hell are you going?

- I'm going to find some happy faces. - Will you mind if I come along?

Not if you bring a happy face.

You had a chance talk with Jud this morning?

We don´t have talks. We just have interviews.

- Interviews? - I don't know. I think the kid is giving me

a test on my life and the best I can hope for is a C-minus.

Well, at least you got a passing grade.

Lewis, Lewis, how many times must I tell you you can't go through life

treating everything as a joke?

Interesting prop.

- It's yours. - Mm-hmm.

For the hospital.

Oh.

Now, what is that supposed to prove, Jud?

- We need some time. - Why?

Because I'm not ready to cry over you yet.

Uh, excuse me.

Is that a defect in the slide?

Not on the slide.

Oh, no, that's... Okay, you can go ahead.

They're marvelous, Jud.

Should I stop?

No, no, don't... Don't turn them off. I'd like to see them.

That's nice.

I guess we should congratulate ourselves.

Why?

The way we've managed to avoid each other for the past three months.

Look. I owe you an apology.

I had no right to judge your life.

You look tired, Jud.

Yes, well, this sort of experience tends to mature a person.

I like that one.

How are things with you and Scottie?

I had this idea that by objectively studying the photographs I took of him......

well, I'd be able to bring him into focus.

But you know my father.

A master of disguise.

Look, you use what you have.

As you know, I've never been very good at making contact.

Oh, Jud, you don't have to reach out to Scottie. He's got his arms out to the whole world.

I'm not the whole world. I'm his son.

Then... then what do you want from him?

Something more.

I don't know.

My father may be right.

I'm a very peculiar chap.

Tell me about it.

Oh, Kyle.

We're late.

It's terrific, Jud.

It's just terrific.

- You know how he likes surprises. - Do you think he suspects anything?

No, not a thing. And he's very testy,

because he thinks nobody's remembered that it's his birthday.

- I've got his present right here. - Oh, what'd you get him?

- Shh, another hat. What else? - Oh.

Well, you better not give it to him 'til tonight.

If he thinks he's remembered, he might suspect something.

I want an honest opinion.

Does this tie go with this suit?

It's perfect, but only if you carry a horn.

Oh, Sally, do you happen to know what today's date is by any...

I think it's the 9th, isn't it?

It is the 9th. I said no reason to ask. I was just wondering if it was really the 9th.

He's exactly the same, isn't he?

Only more soft.

He's in remission.

Remission? How long will that last?

Well, it's hard to tell. Years. Many years if we get lucky.

Can I talk?

Yeah, he's upstairs.

Okay, everything's all set.

I've been to the airport six times today.

I got 50 people stashing hotels all over town.

Oh, yeah, and your mother's plane was late, but she'll be here.

Okay.

I want you kids to be out of here within 15 minutes, okay?

Where the hell are my phone calls?

I don't know.

For three months, that thing rings like a Miss America or something,

and then certainly it stops.

What do you expect?

You double-crossed everybody.

You're a lie.

Oh, well, I hate foul-weather friends.

Doesn't anybody else feel chilly in here?

Somebody throw a hot starlight over me.

I am not a starlight, but maybe I will do until the real thing comes along.

How are you, baby? You know something, I swear.

Somewhere along the line, a piece of me fell off and became you.

What are you doing all dressed up?

You're working dads, and I gotta go.

What are you going to? Aren't you going to stay and play with me?

Oh, I'd like to, Scottie, but I've got to bring a little sunshine into the lives of 5,000 Shriners.

What are you with 5,000 Shrines? Don't I get sunshine?

Sorry, Scottie, but the needy come first.

Oh, the needy come first.

Psst, kid, you know, if I were you, I would hang on to that girl very, very tightly.

That damn phone hasn't been so quiet since I mistook Xanax's wife for a hired party girl.

- Hey, wait a minute. Maybe it's out of order. - Yeah, well, wait a minute.

I'll check it out upstairs. I got a few calls to make anyway.

Well, uh, when does your plane leave, son?

I'm catching the red-eye.

Jud, I, uh... I'm sorry that it wasn't more fun for you, kid.

Well, I didn't stay because I was looking for fun, Dad.

Why did you stay, Jud?

I wanted to pay you back for all those endless hours on the miniature golf course.

Listen, I'll catch you later, Dad.

Huh?

Maybe we'll down a few beers and grab a couple of chorus girls.

Or should it be the other way around?

Good way.

Hello?

I'm gonna check that damn phone.

Operate?

Working.

Well, you ready to go back to work, kid?

What's the matter, Scottie?

- Do you know what today's date is? - No.

- It's the 9th. - So?

Tell me, sir, how's your sex life?

I could say it was meager, but I'd be bragging.

Well, how come you broke up with your last girlfriend? Speak right into the microphone.

- I remeber she was rotten. - What do you mean rotten?

I'll tell you how rotten she was.

Whenever anyone in the whole world is rotten, she gets a royalty.

What's wrong, Scottie?

I think we started out as the odd couple, and suddenly we're turning into the sunshine.

I think you're going to be depressing. I'm going.

You what? You can't leave me all alone.

You won't whine, will you, Scottie? Nobody likes a whiner.

- A whiner? - Maybe I'll drop by later

- and we'll play some gin. - Gin?

I'll see you later.

Whoopi!

I'll see you.

Bye.

See you.

Hello.

Happy birthday to me. Happy... I'm gonna check that damn phone again.

Gin. Oh, hello. Uh, Hi there. How are you?

Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to put a little damper on that one, love,

because I have to report a serious malfunction, you know, with the instrument thing.

I have not had one call all morning. Now, how do you like them apples?

Oh, the Naked Dixieland jazz band just arrived. I'll call you later.

Hot damn one bill of the stairway up you climb. Kiss your ankle from inside.

- Hello? - Uh, Mr. Scott Templeton?

- Uh, yeah. - Oh, well, I'm ever so glad of that, sir.

I tend to get lost.

I'm your nurse.

- Where should I put these things? - My nurse? What? Just don't put anything.

Who sends you?

Doctor Gladys Petrelli. She is your doctor, isn't she?

Yeah, I don't quite. I don't need a nurse.

- Yeah, well, she said you did. - Well, she said wrong.

Oh, well, you are Mr...Scott?

- Templeton. - That's you.

We just went through the whole damn thing.

Now, why do I look like I need a nurse?

Well, I'm not qualified to give a medical opinion, sir.

Oh, for God's sake.

I just go where they send me, sir.

Well, they sent you to the wrong place.

Oh, God!

I needed this job, sir.

I counted on this job.

Don't touch me person, sir.

This is humiliating is what it is.

I'm a trained practical nurse and I shouldn't have to beg for nothing.

Do you have a Kleenex, sir? This thing is all balled up.

Use my hand.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I don't normally act this way.

It's just that I've been having problems in my personal life. Can this thing be laundered, sir?

Give it to me.

Yeah, have a drink.

A drink? Oh, no, sir. I'm not supposed to drink on duty.

Yeah, well, I won't tell if you are.

- Oh, I won't tell, sir. - Look, I'm sorry if I see...

Look, I'm sorry if I upset you before. I'm just in a rotten mood today.

Well, is it something to do with your condition?

Oh, no, no.

Oh, hell. It's my birthday.

It's your birthday.

I think I'm the only human being on Earth that's aware of it, but it is my birthday.

- Oh, sir. It's your birthday. - That's what I just said. It's my birthday.

Well, birthdays are very, very important, sir.

Well, never you mind, though.

We'll just have to make do, sir, won't we?

Do, we will make do, sir.

You'll see, you're just gonna love it to pieces, sir.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yes, sir.

I hope these are all right, sir. They were when last I looked.

What are you doing?

I don't want you to think that I do this for everybody, sir, because I don't.

- I mean, happy birthday, sir. - Jesus! What the hell kind of a nurse

comes in here, just starts whipping out her lung watch in the middle of my...

- Excuse me. - Charlotte.

My God, that's Hillary. Is that?

That's Hillary! That's her? That's her? It's Hillary!

Put that girl down, you don't know where she's been.

- We've got it all, we've got it all on our tape! - Oh, you're in. You dirty son of a guy.

- Happy birthday, pal. - I knew you would.

If you're fine with what we got you, you must owe that at him.

Well, we thought that you'd like her better than a ship with a clock in the middle of it.

- And that's only the beginning. - Don't tell me you were in on this.

First, I had to promise I wouldn't form the vice part.

It was all Lou's idea. I brought the costume and the wig and Hillary brought everything else.

- We got a limousine waiting outside. - I'll go to get my camera.

Wait to see whereas we have plans that you no realize.

Wait a minute, you guys. I still gotta get changed.

- You go ahead, Dad. I'll be right there. - What are you going to do?

My birthday. I get to stay and watch.

We're on a very tight schedule. Can you get dressed in five minutes?

Is he kidding?

Jesus.

You're amazing.

That has to be the oldest gag in the world that I fell for.

You should have been an actress, love.

Oh, honey, I was.

Oh, God, I have missed you, baby.

Not as much as I missed you.

Oh, you say that to all the boys.

Uh-uh.

You will always be my favorite young.

Well, then you give me a kiss.

Right there.

- Hey. How are you holding up, kiddo? - Huh?

Gladys Petrelli told me that you've been a bit under the weather.

Wow, she told you that? That's funny. She told me I had cancer.

Can you tell me why the hell we're laughing?

Oh, if you ever find anything better than laughing, you let me know.

Gathers it like old times, isn't it?

And, Jud, you know how many hours I have waited

for this wonderful, lovely lady to get dressed?

You are the best friend that I have ever had, Scottie.

You may be the only real friend I've ever had.

You always treated me like a human being.

Never like a hustler.

You put out for everybody.

You give the same to everybody.

I mean that.

It doesn't matter whether it's a doorman or your wife or your family or a movie star

or a hooker.

You give everybody exactly the same.

And that is really something.

Hey, hey, don't get embarrassed. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.

You are a very rare creature, Scottie.

You're a man with absolutely no order of priorities.

Well, what do you think, sailor? Do I look respectable enough to be escorted to the ball?

You look divine.

- You go ahead. I'll be right down. - Okay.

Okay, okay. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Jud, do you agree with Hillary that I'm a man with absolutely no order of priorities?

She meant that as a compliment, Dad.

You don't really think it is, do you, son?

I guess I always wanted to be one of those priorities.

Is that the reason why you never really wanted to spend time with me? Is it?

Dad.

They're waiting.

Oh, God, don't patronize me. Not now. Just tell me, is that the reason?

Partly.

Mostly, I was...

- I was jealous. - What? Jealous of what?

- You. - Why?

I always felt like such a clot around you.

- Oh, God, Jud. - You said I wasn't the son you always wanted.

- God, I didn't mean that, Jud. - I knew that.

I wanted to be.

Fantasied.

Anyway.

A couple of years ago,

I realized I could never be like you.

Well, you're wrong.

You're just like me.

You have never made an emotional commitment in your life either.

Ever.

But don't you be stricken, kid, because you're still young.

Oh, hell, well, come on now.

Would being a chip off the old block scare you that much?

I don't know.

I'm not really sure who you are.

It's Jud's idea, Scottie.

He planned the rest of tonight, too.

I was trying to find a way to kick this thing off.

So I looked up the word tribute.

You know, it not only means to pay homage.

It also means a gift.

And that seemed fitting.

Because that's what Scottie's given to us all.

A gift of friendship.

A gift of laughter.

Well, that's why we're all here.

To pay tribute to Scottie.

When I first met Scottie,

he was the only 12-year-old kid I had ever seen who wore ascot.

Well, it turns out he was going through his Ronald Colman period.

Come to think of it, he hasn't entirely gotten over it yet.

Scottie was the world's greatest hypochondriac.

One night I got a call from him.

He said he was at the hospital. It was an emergency.

Anyway, when I got there, he was in a state of panic.

He told me he had a dent in his chest.

I walked outside.

I called in the night watchman, and I asked him if he would open his shirt.

When he did, I pointed and said, "He has one too." "Everyone has one, Scottie."

Now, will you get the hell out of here? I couldn't prove it,

but I always suspected that Scottie went somewhere else for a second opinion.

He is no longer a hypochondriac, but I love you, Scottie.

Would being a chip off the old block would not scare you that much.

I don't know.

I'm not really sure who you are.

Out of all the people gathered here today,

I suppose that I've known Scottie for the shortest amount of time.

We met in a hospital,

and I was in for my first operation, and I was pretty scared.

In walks this man in a doctor's outfit, about two sizes...

You're a man with absolutely no order of priorities.

When you split with mom, why didn't you tell me about it?

- Think hard. I'll come back to you. - I'm going to promise you

- that I'm going to give you time. - Time? For what?

It's just that I woke up one morning

and you had gone. Every responsibility you had to have.

Well, I'm not going to let you walk away from this.

- Why do you live with this? - Hell, he's wrong.

I mean, laughter, rolling around.

What reason do you give yourself for waking up

- in the morning? - All nights have fun.

I mean, what are you doing here besides taking up space?

Oh, you're doing it. Handle it.

You're gonna climb into your chicken costume?

I guess he's had that effect on a lot of people.

You know, he was always fun to have around the house,

but during the past months,

he's shown me that he's got something else going for him.

That son of a bitch has got the guts of a lion.

Scottie, come on up here and say hello to your friends.

I had an aunt once who thought she was a poached egg.

It's true.

Well, not all the time, you know.

Every now and then.

Yeah, she used to carry around a little brown mat.

It was her toast.

She used to sit in the middle of it.

But nobody was ever allowed to step on her toes. Oh, hey, hey.

I always felt that that was her way of making sure that no one ever got too close to her.

Oh. I think I've been carrying around my own little brown mat.

Look, you-- you-- you're my friends.

I want you to know that no man could have ever wanted a greater audience. Ever.

But...

Actually, I would... I'd like to take this time and have a little chat with my son.

Which may seem peculiar, but...

What the hell, I've always been more at ease with large groups. I...

Jud?

If you're still here...

Jud?

We never knew each other very well, and that's not your fault.

I just never let anybody know me.

Anyway, a few months ago, I got the crazy idea that I got.

I wanted to leave you something, you know, anything.

And tonight, when I listened, I got it. I realized what I should try to pass on to you, son.

God, if there's one thing I wish for you, it's passion.

Passion, Jud.

For anything, for anybody.

If it would just go the distance.

Because I, uh...

Well, I never had the courage to fail with you.

I never laid anything on the line.

God, I missed so much.

I have a confession to make, you see? Before you're a man with absolutely no finish. So...

Punchline.

What?

I'm not kidding. I don't know how to get off.

Hello?

What about that girl you had in Pennsylvania?

Girl. Who? Jud.

What about that girl you had in Pennsylvania?

Eerie?

Well, I have to admit, she was a little weird.

And, uh, what about your brother in Alaska?

- Know? - Know? Of course I know. He's my uncle.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm not used to the straight lines.

- Did you put the cat out? - Why? Was he on fire?

Would you come up here?

Please.

Give me a kiss.

Right here.