Original subtitles

Hey, hey, hey.

Another quiet Saturday night here at the top of the world.

If you can hear my voice, let me just say I'm glad you're still alive.

The Great Zombie Zunami of aught-three

continues to pound the prairie into dust,

headed south from Nebraska into Kansas.

This hive minded crowd of a million plus zombies

is crushing everything in its random path,

so watch your ass out there.

Keep your hands and feet inside the boat, and don't feed the animals.

This is Citizen Z. Signing off.

Mays!

What you got, Mays? What you got?

Hernandez!

Could you do that more quietly?

Hello there.

Is someone trying to hack me?

Oh, sneaking in the side door, huh?

Nobody hacks me. Not now! Not ever!

No entry without an invitation.

Oh, jeez, I'm working here!

Now to follow you right back...

You clumsy dimwitted amateur!

What do we have here? Wait.

Oh, Jumanji.

Dude! A fireball from outer space gives the base a haircut,

and you got nothing for me?

Oh, Saturday night is picking up.

Okay, that's pretty crazy town.

That's impossible.

I read once that you could drink your own urine.

But all I'm pissin' is dust.

Water isn't gonna find you just sitting there.

Why are you so freaking chipper?

I've been wondering that myself.

Maybe it's 'cause I conserve my precious bodily fluids.

Oh, what is that?

Is it an earthquake?

More like a zombie quake.

Goddamn guys just won't quit.

I suggest we run for it.

Come on, people. Pick it up.

I... We... can't. Dehydrated.

Hey, come on. Keep movin'.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on! Move it!

This way!

Wait!

Don't shoot!

Don't move or I'll shoot!

Go ahead. Make my apocalypse.

Reach for the sky!

Uh, all right, um...

Put your hands... up.

Hands up.

Yeah, yeah, like that.

Yeah.

I am friend.

Friend?

You can take your helmet off.

The air is safe.

The air is not safe.

Yes, yes, it is. The air is safe.

Yeah. See?

The air is safe.

Okay.

So that's it?

We're all just gonna lay down and die?

Doc!

Knock it off, Murphy.

Three days without water, man.

The human body hits the wall.

There must be thousands of them.

Millions. They're migrating.

Migrating to where?

South for the winter.

Z's don't like the cold.

Kid's got it.

We had a place up in North Dakota, near Fort Yates.

Quiet little place right on the river.

Couple dozens of us having a go.

I mean, zombie bison every once in a while,

but that was as bad as it got.

Then the rumbling started and never stopped.

Well, where'd they come from?

Refugee camp up in Alberta.

Over a million people. No food. No water.

It got ugly. They all turned in a week.

We should've kept running.

You couldn't get around them?

This herd is miles wide. I mean, it's got a mind of its own.

You can't move fast enough to get around it.

And every single thing it overruns just adds to its crowd,

you know, fast zombies, healthy zombies,

like the ones that just got my friend Buck.

Hey, man, you gonna share that with the class?

It ain't water.

Pass it around, whatever it is.

Go easy on it.

Homemade hooch ain't for everyone.

Easy, man. Come on. It's got to last me.

Anti-freeze and...

Castor oil.

We've got to get out of here.

He's right.

Okay, this room isn't secure.

We got to find some place more secure.

What's back there?

Morgue.

Let's go.

- You heard the lady! Let's go! - Yeah, yeah, all right.

Nuh-uh, no way.

This place is a death trap.

Mmm!

Good, very good. This tea is...

- Earl Grey? - That's right.

- Earl Grey. - It's my favorite.

Huh. It's my favorite, too.

We have in common much, you and I.

So, Yuri.

I think we got to address the 800 pound gorilla in the room.

Uh...

No.

It's an expression. It's American slang.

- Sorry. - All right.

Uh, look. Okay, how did you get here?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Um, on I.S.S.

International Space Station?

You were on the International Space Station?

Oh, that's right, it's still up there.

When Houston and Moscow...

Stop, went dark, we were,

uh, alone.

Wow, that was like three years ago.

That's a long time to be alone.

A long time, yes.

After time, the food was gone.

And the system...

Stop... Stop working.

The air, the heat.

So Soyuz escape pod bring me to you.

Wow, that must've been one hell of a ride.

Well, what about the others?

- Others? - Yeah, the rest of your crew?

No crew.

Only Yuri.

- Your crew? - No crew.

Only Citizen Z.

To surviving.

To surviving.

Oh, poor dog.

All the excitement must've tuckered him out.

- I wonder, where they're all going. - Nowhere.

They're zombies.

Be glad they don't have a leader.

Now what?

We wait them out.

We can't just stay here and wait to die.

Do you hear that, or is that just in my head?

I hope it's rats.

I think it's coming from in here.

Oh, damn!

How's a guy supposed to relax with all that going on?

I'll open it. You pike it.

Don't open that drawer. Just leave it alone.

Calm down.

One. Two. Three.

I think it's coming from this one.

Kill it! Just kill it!

You okay?

Yeah.

Feel free to help out next time, Murphy.

You got an ear in your hair.

What's new?

They're coming in.

Settle down.

I don't know.

We don't have much choice.

No way in hell am I getting in that thing.

Well, this is gonna be fun.

Okay, good, good, good, good, good. No more, my friend.

My friend.

Okay.

What I'm about to show you,

no other human being has seen.

This is for friends only. This is a friend zone.

So after what happened, you know,

after everybody...

I started working.

Uh, collecting data, collating, running algorithms,

doing anything that I could do to

put the pieces of the puzzle together.

There is global communication?

Yeah, I mean, some. There are survivors out there.

And you alone keep this in operation?

Uh, yeah. I mean, I'm the only person here.

Internet, satellites, the cameras in cities?

Yes. Yes. Uh...

Nanny cams, security cams, web cams.

Anything that puts out a signal, or is somehow connected to the grid,

I can reach out and touch it.

I'm the NSA, baby.

What a terrible burden.

What? To see so much pain.

Hmm? One man cannot carry this alone.

I'm sorry, friend.

Just stop that.

All right, back to the tour.

And for here, the...

The power, the heat, the fresh air...

You... you control all these things?

Oh, yeah, you and I are gonna be fine.

I got solar power, generators, water filters, air filters.

Enough food to last for a couple of decades.

And enough booze to last for, I don't know, a couple fun years.

I know how much your people love their vodka.

Husky dog!

Dog usually run and play, yes?

Your dog, he...

He do nothing. Why do you think?

You sure do ask a lot of questions, comrade.

Yuri.

Yuri, listen to me. I need your help.

I think

that we can find out the reason for the zombie apocalypse.

The answer is here somewhere.

But we got to be careful.

Somebody tried to hack into my system.

There are other bases like this?

I don't know. I guess.

Someone out there wants to know what I know.

And we can't trust anybody.

I don't want to die in here.

Well, you ain't gonna live out here.

I know.

After you, kid. Age before beauty.

Okay.

All right. One of you goes next.

Rock, paper, scissors?

What are you, nine?

Fine, I'll take it.

You better hurry up.

Here you go, Doc.

Oh, okay.

All right, I'll take the next one.

I'm no good in tight spaces.

Get in.

I don't think I can do this.

Warren, you better hurry. I am.

Oh, damn. Now what?

Come on.

Okay. Okay.

It's a storage mostly.

Backup power, and of course the driving range.

Is good idea to hit hard ball off machinery?

Well, from time to time, we do require repairs, but what can I do?

Can't play outside. I'd lose all my balls.

Driver.

Because of the snow.

You know, the balls are white and the snow is white.

We'll work on your humor.

- Ah! Yeah. - Means is good?

- Ooh! - That means it's great. Hand me an iron.

- Ah, yes! - Let's go!

Yeah, baby!

Why do you laugh?

That was terrible.

Go! Go! Go! Hey, stop! Dude!

Schooled!

Ah!

Don't choke.

Million dollar winning.

Yeah!

What's up? You like that?

Go left! Go left!

I totally do not like this.

Lure them this way, lure them this way.

I don't like! I don't like! I don't like!

Grab that one!

- You see this? - Yes!

- Yes! - I'm killing! I'm killing.

Put me down for a six, four,

three.

Uh, three! It's a birdie!

Yo, comrade?

Yuri?

Yuri, what are you doing?

This we had on space station.

Okay, well, come on before you break something.

I thought I lost this ball.

Hey. Hmm?

You got to finish this hole.

It's a playoff. Sudden death.

Sudden death does not sound like fun game, Simon.

Sorry, what?

No fun your game of death.

You are odd duck, Simon.

Simon?

- Don't you leave us. - Shh! Just stay real still.

- Murphy. - Shh.

- Don't you leave... - Don't move.

I got to get you to California.

You got me as far as you could.

Murphy, please.

I want to make them dead. How do I kill them?

You got to shoot for the head.

This is true? Shoot the head?

Yeah, kill the brain.

It's the only way to stop them.

Aim higher.

Die, zombie!

We're stronger than they.

Us humans?

Mmm-hmm, yes. It's not so simple to kill us.

There is not one way, but instead many ways to die.

How 'bout some popcorn? Do you want some popcorn?

I'm gonna go make us some popcorn.

Oh! Die, zombie! Die!

Oh! Hey, is easy to kill when you know the secret.

- I'm gonna hit the head. - Yep, shoot in head.

No, no, no, I mean... Never mind. I'll be right back.

Oh, bring vodka with snack.

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I'll be back.

Oh! Die, zombie! Die, die, die, die, die!

Judas monkey sauce.

Did you fall in?

What?

Just a second. I'm almost done.

Fall in. Like, you fall in toilet, your whole self.

It's good joke, yes?

Yes, yes, I get that.

Your slang's coming right along.

I'll be right out. Wait one second.

Step away from that panel, Yuri.

You're not gonna do me like you did your comrades

on the International Space Station.

Simon.

Citizen Z. My name is Citizen Z.

No one calls me Simon.

No one even knows my name is Simon!

So how do you know?

Because we are friends.

Close friends.

Friends. We're not friends.

You lied to me.

Now you tell me who you really are.

You ask the wrong question.

Back away from that panel.

Back away!

And what's with the suit, huh?

Mmm!

That is better question.

Are you gonna... You gonna try and freeze me out?

Huh?

Get off me!

Don't even blink or I'll blow your brains back to Murmansk.

What?

You don't want to eat me, what do you want?

Great! I'm the one-eyed king in the land of the blind.

Why are you really here?

Who sent you? The hackers?

What is wrong with dog?

You don't ask questions!

I'm interrogating you! Dog is sleepy, no?

He was fine before you got here.

What did you do to him?

Did you poison him?

Ask yourself.

What is wrong with dog?

God, you poisoned my dog?

If you did anything to hurt him...

You son of a bitch.

That's... that's not daddy.

Thank you. Yes, we are ready to order.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

I would love to have some Alaskan King Crab.

And I would love to have the rice pilaf.

That will be so nice. And could I please...

I don't wanna die alone.

Well, I mean, we all die alone, really.

I don't wanna die in here.

I don't wanna die now. I don't wanna die.

The Yardbirds. Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page.

No, Jeff Beck, then Jimmy Page.

Get out of here!

Go away!

Try to breathe, man. Just breathe.

There's no air in here.

I got to get out of the darkness.

I can't take it.

If we all go at once, we can overpower them.

No. No, man. No one's going.

Chill, man! Chill!

One!

Two.

Otis, be cool man! Be cool!

Three!

The Kinks. Ray Davies. Dave Davies.

Did you poison my dog?

If he dies, I will kill you.

You won't kill me!

Simon, you can't.

Simon, you need to listen.

How do you know my name?

How do I know your name? I am friend!

Close friend! You don't know me, but I know you.

You tell me what you used to poison my dog?

Answer me! Ask yourself!

What is wrong with dog? I don't know!

You know answer!

Simon. Is important. Hmm?

Simon, what do you know?

We need to find out what you know. Simon, think.

What do you know?

What is different today?

Some crazy cosmonaut broke into my secure

and isolated listening post

and poisoned me and my dog.

You have to do better than that, Simon.

Try to answer the question.

What is wrong with dog?

Go to hell.

What's different about today?

What is wrong with dog?

What do you know?

Is this all your fight?

You have to do better, Simon!

You must fight for life!

Fight, Simon! Fight!

Fight!

Fight for life!

Help us, please!

What are you?

Leave some water for my girl.

If you see a man, red jacket...

Tell him we're still alive! At least do that.

Hey!

What's different today?

What is wrong with dog?

What do you know?

I... can't... breathe.

Good. Why?

What?

You're suffocating me.

Yes. Why?

You're... strangling me.

More specific.

What?

You can't breathe because...

There is...

no...

...oxygen.

Come on, boy. Come on now.

There you go.

There you go.

All right.

It's time to go.

Hey!

They've gone?

Yeah.

You came back.

I did.

Oh! Where'd you get that?

Took it from a dead family.

Oh.

Oh! Thank you.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm.

Looks like it's just me and you again, pup.

Murphy, how did you do this?

No, I don't even want to know.

I take back everything 10K said about you.

Well, you know, I thought they got Warren already.

No offense, but you were almost dead.

But Murphy, man, you are unreal!

Where'd they all go? How many did you kill?

Are we gonna go outside and see them piled like ten-deep on the sidewalk?

Down low. Down low. Down low. There you go.

What?

That is the most words I ever heard come out of your sound hole, kid.

These used to be my favorite food.

Where the hell did you find goldfish? I'm a goldfish magnet.

I didn't know they were your favorite though.

I like a juicy rib eye with a loaded baked potato.

Can your psycho food radar find that?

Yeah, Doc, you're one greedy bastard. You know that?

To Murphy.

You may be the mission.

But today you became our friend.

- Thank you. - Hear, hear.

- Cheers. - Okay, okay, okay.

I only did it to stop Doc's constant whining.

That is totally fair.

Is this beef jerky?

You're not taking the whole bag, are you?

So, um, can we go now?

I need to go. So, I need you to go.

I need to go.