All language subtitles for Very Important People s03e07 Oops Lil Fart.eng

- Hi, I'm Lisa Gilroy,

and I'm here with all my bridesmaids

to do a trial run of my
wedding day makeup. (giggles)

Oh my god. I love you, Jason.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- What the hell are you doing?

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

- Whatever I am, I feel
like I'm a little bit cute.

- [Vic] Once they see
themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up
a character on the spot

and then sit down with me
for an improvised interview.

- No, are you serious?

- [Vic] This is "Very Important People".

- [Lisa] LOL, what are these shoes?

Big shoes, water boots, rain boots?

Thumpers, big thumpers, Crocs, Docs?

Oh, fuck you guys.

(crew laughing)
(eerie circus music)

No, no, no, no. (gasps)

Oh my god.

What the helly?

You guys really had me in
a pushup bra for this, huh?

You perverts.

I'm Bingo the birthday clown. (laughs)

Sorry. Had to show it.

I'm a puppet from Paris.

Doot. (laughs)

Ah.

Oh, Mr Joker, did you
wanna see my tits? (laughs)

H-O-T-T. (hums and laughs)

Right? Is that the words?

I'm the Queen of England,

and you shall be executed,

hung by your ball sack.

Get up on your feet!

Whoop, whoop! (laughs)

Whoop, whoop, bitch! (laughs)

No, no, no.

Nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah.

(crew member laughing)

(snarls and laughs)

(crew laughing)

(eerie muttering)

(snarls)

(upbeat music)

(footsteps shuffling)

- [Vic] Okay, hey!

No, you know, and sort
of we'll cut out the,

cut out the middle man.

I was sending a fax.

So here we go.

(paper rustling)

Thank you for your thought.

Okay. (clears throat)

We all have a story to tell,

and sometimes those
stories need to be shared

with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis

back with another edition
of "Very Important People".

Please introduce yourself.

(door knocking)

Hello.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Hello!

(door banging)

- [Vic] Okay, hi.
- Oh!

Oh, hey!
- Hi.

No.

- It's good to see you!

- [Vic] Hi! Hi!

- It's good to see you!
- No, no. Stop.

- It's good to see you!
- No. What are you doing?

- It's good to see you!

- Okay. Okay.

Hi.

- It's so good to see you.

- Ooh. Nope, nope.

Okay. And then, and we're up.

- It's good to see my friend again!

- Please. Please.
- It's good to see

my friend again!

- Please introduce yourself!
- It's good to see

my friend again!
- Friend again.

- Kiss me on my mouth.

- No. And no.

No, I won't.

So, please, let's introduce
yourself for everybody here.

- Oh my god. That was exhausting.

- It was exhausting.

- As if you don't remember me?

- I don't think I do.

I was told that we were gonna
have a botanist on today.

- That's not me.

I don't know what a belly buttonist is.

Vic, it's me, Oops Little Fart.

(dramatic music)

Remember?

- Little Fart?

- I was your imaginary friend.

Does this jog your memory?

"Oh, let's play!

Oh, Lil Fart!

Come out and play!"

- How are you here?

- You didn't call me?

- Again, I, I was told,

I was told a botanist was coming today.

- Well, you must have said at one point:

"Oops, little fart,"

even if you said it really quiet.

- Okay, so it's sort of
like a Beetlejuice situation

because I did say that

to the person that was
doing my microphone.

I said, "Oh, a little fart.

Don't do that again, please."

- To be clear,

you farted and then you
said, under your breath,

"Oops, little fart."

- I didn't fart, and I wouldn't do that.

I think that's unprofessional.
- I would only come

if you said it and you meant it.

- Normally when I think
of imaginary friends,

it's like I would have created you

and I would have, like,

remembered all the details.
- You did.

You were really little

and you were stupid as hell.

- Really?

- And you would draw a picture.

That's how imaginary friend get made.

- This is very exciting.

We have an imaginary friend
here on the show today.

I don't think that this

has ever happened before.
- Yes! Hallelujah!

- Okay. Okay.
- It's good to see you again.

You've grown up.

- What do you remember about me?

- Oh, you were really short

and your butt was really little.

- Okay.

- And your dad was fucking hot.

- What?
- Hmm?

- You said my dad was hot?

- Yeah, but I didn't do nothing.

- Why would you say it like that?

- I had sex with your dad.

- What?

- I'm sorry.
- [Vic] Okay.

You know what?

We're gonna take this back.

You couldn't have had sex with my dad

'cause my dad was happily
married to my mom until he left.

- Yeah. All right.

I'll talk more about that later.

I'm happy to be back.

And I'm worried about you
'cause you must really need me.

- Well, no.

I think my life is going
pretty well right now.

I have a company-mandated therapist,

obviously my stepdaughter Bianca,

now Head of News here.

And we are like, we're, like,
tighter, tighter than ever.

- Hey.

- So my life is going pretty well.

- Your eyes are filling up with tears.

You've said, "Oops, little fart,"

many times over the last years.

But I only come if your
heart really means it,

and you really need me

like you did all those years
ago when you were just six

and you didn't have any friends,

and you kept throwing up
in your jeans at school.

- Okay. You know what?

We're making this a lot about me,

and I think what we're gonna do

is we're gonna make this an interview,

'cause that's what I know how to do.

Okay?
- Okay, go right ahead.

- [Vic] Okay.
- Whoo.

- Oops Little Fart,
where did you come from?

- Where did you go?

Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe.

Remember?
(both laughing)

- Like the famous song?

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, when you drawed me up-

- [Vic] Sure.
- I came.

- Where were you before I, I drew you?

- Colorado.

- You're from Colorado?

- [Oops Lil Fart] Yeah.
- Is that where

all imaginary-
- That's where most of us

are from you, yeah.

We got Bingo, Bango, Dodge Durango,

Spencer, Crendy, Romba Dompy,

Randons, Kunk Balls.

Big Tits, Little Tits.

- Are you naming yourself

or are kids naming you?

- No, so most of the times,
the kids are naming us.

I used to have all sorts of little kids.

Abby, Cassie, Whitney, James,

and Hailey were my kids before you.

- So you had imaginary friends before me,

but you said I drew you up.
- No, no, no, no.

No!

I was other kids' imaginary friend.

I have never had an imaginary friend.

That would be psycho.

- Okay. So this is the
iteration of you that I drew.

So what did you look like before?

- When Haley drewed me up, oh, my god,

I was a something,

most beautiful creature you ever seen.

The most tiny little waist,
huge apple-bottom jeans,

boots with fur.

(Vic laughing)

Tho whole club was looking at her.

- So that's a song. That's another song.

- So do you remember drawing me?

You were like, "Oh, there's
gotta be a lot of frills.

I like polka dots here," so, you know,

all sorts of stuff like that.

You were like, "Perfect little titties."

- I don't think I said that.

- No. You were concentrated.

- You had tongue in
the corner of my mouth.

You had your pencil up.

You were like, "Perfect little titties."

- Okay, I don't remember.

I don't remember that part.
- When you were drawing me,

that's what you said.
- I don't I said that part.

- And then I came to life

and I had the best time
being your imaginary friend

until I got DQ'ed. (laughs)

- [Vic] What happened?

I seem to remember there being a moment

where we're playing a
game and then my dad-

- I had sex with your dad.

- Right. (sighs)

- But what do you remember?

Walk me through it.

You said we were playing a game,

I remember that too.

We used to always play
belly button twister.

- Okay, so I remember we were
playing belly button twister.

It was a way that you would sort of, like,

get me to talk about my feelings.

And then my dad comes
in and he goes, "Hey.

Oh, oh, are you playing with Lil Fart?"

- I took one look at your dad.

I said, "Ho ho ho."

I said, "Tongue, belly button."

- Okay, I don't-
- I go, "Toes, belly button."

- I don't wanna hear that.

- I said, "Spin the wheel.

Carte blanche his belly button."

- Yeah, and you said
all that in front of me.

And then I sort of said,

"Whoa, what's, what's going on here?"

And my dad said,

"You'll understand when you're older.

If you could give us the room, please."

And I said, "With my imaginary friend?"

- It's not your fault!

- Well, I'm sort of saying, like,

I drew you up and then you came and-

- Well, he came too.

- (sighs) Okay. I remember
exactly how I drew you.

I'm going to have a PA fly
in some drawing equipment

and I'm gonna draw exactly what
I remember you looking like.

- I wanna draw a picture too.

(calm music)

Help!

I'm not real.
- Okay. Okay.

(markers clatter)

(Oops Lil Fart chuckles)
- [Vic] And that just

happens sometimes, and that's okay.

- I'm gonna draw a picture
of my imaginary friend.

- Okay. Here's what I remember.

Head, a little bit of hair,

and I said you'll have hearts on your ears

so that way you can have
a heart in your heart.

You ready?

- Yeah.
- I mean, it's not perfect.

This was what I remember drawing as a kid.

- I drew a picture too.

- Okay. You know what?

I think I would rather-

- Just from memory.
- [Vic] And I think, you know,

I-
- Just from memory.

- Don't show anyone that.

Can we cut, please?

And you and I are gonna
talk for a sec, okay?

You and I are gonna talk.

- Oh, I'm so happy to see you again.

Thank you.

? One again, four again, ?

? six again, five. ?

? These two best friends
are staying alive. ?

- [Vic] And we're gonna cut.

And we're gonna cut and
you're gonna come with me.

- [Oops Lil Far] What's wrong?

- You, like, broke up my family.

- I didn't mean to!

- What do you mean you didn't mean to?

You fucked my dad.

- Well, you shouldn't have
imagined my pussy so good.

- What?

I don't think I did that.

- Well, maybe you imagined no pussy.

Maybe that's what your dad likes.

I don't know.

- I'm just saying I really needed you

in the last few years here, okay?

And you sort of, like, fucked
my dad and fucked off, okay?

- Well, I got disqualified from it.

I'd never been in an-

- [Vic] What does that mean?!

- [Oops Little Fart] It
means I'm not allowed

to be near kids or their dads ever again.

- I'm just saying I really needed you

in the last few years here,

and you kind of, like,
were nowhere to be found.

And so I put you in, like,

a place in my memory where I just, like,

couldn't access you anymore.

- I'm sorry. Gimme another chance.

Your dad's gotta be dead now, ain't he?

- He's actually, he just got remarried.

- Where he live?

- No.

- Just wondering.

- Okay. Well, no, we're not...

He lives in Florida.

And we're not gonna talk
about that, actually.

Okay, so we're gonna,

we're gonna come on and
we're gonna maybe start over.

Maybe we just,

maybe we just start over.
- What's his cross streets?

- I'm not giving you his cross streets.

Can we just start over?

- [Oops Lil Fart] Okay.

- [Vic] Okay, everybody.

And-

- [Oops Lil Fart] Okay,
I'm sorry I did this.

And you know what?

- Action.

- I'm gonna make it up to you.

This is actually a picture of you,

and that's just your hair.

- This is what I look like to you.?

That's not my hair.

- Okay, fine. Your hair's
a little straighter.

Your hair is actually more straighter.

Your hair's more like that, I guess.

(Vic sighing)

Straight.
- Why are there two penises?

- I'm not good at drawing.

- You know what? Here's what I'm thinking.

We're just gonna sort of,
we're gonna start over.

We're doing a lot of talking about me,

and I wanna refocus

'cause this is an interview show.

This is what I do. Hello.

- Hello!

- I know for me,

talking about my feelings
became a lot easier

when we would play-
- So now we're talking

about you again?

Okay.
- And I'm saying

it became a lot easier

when we were playing belly button twister.

So I thought maybe we could
talk about you a little bit.

We're playing a little bit
of belly button twisters.

- Oh, no way! You still have it?

(calm music)

Oh, we need a third person.

- We don't need a third person.

- A guy.

- No, we don't need a guy.

- [Oops Lil Fart] A tall guy.

- We don't-
- 'Cause our belly buttons

are the same height.

What's the fun in that?

- No, I think-
- It'd be fun to have

a belly button you gotta reach for.

- We're gonna figure it out
just the two of us, okay?

- And we don't need a third guy.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Okay.

- And here we go. Okay.

- Thank you.
- So we'll sorta-

- [Oops Lil Fart] Hey, you
wanna stick around and play?

- No, he can't.

And there he goes. And so he's gone.

- Hey, stay and play! Stay and play!

- No, don't.

And stay an arm's distance
away from her, please.

Okay, so we have belly
button twister here.

We're gonna go ahead and
we're gonna get it set up.

As you remember the rules,

you spin and whatever color you land on,

you touch belly buttons?

- Should we set it up
the old-fashioned way?

- Let's set it up the old-fashioned way.

- Hold onto the box with me.

- Okay. Three, two-
- One, two, three.

Set it up!

- Okay.
- And then we have to play

exactly as it's as.
- And then we have to...

As it is.

- [Oops Little Fat]
Want me to hold you up?

- Okay. Sure. (laughs)

- [Oops Lil Fart] Belly button green.

Let's go.
- [Vic] Okay. Okay.

So where have you been this whole time?

- Ever since I got disqualified,

I've been driving Uber for
the other imaginary friends

Belly button green, belly button green.

- Belly button green.
- Belly button green.

Belly button green. Belly button green.

Belly button green.
- Belly button green.

- Belly button green.
- And now we are at-

- Belly button green. Belly button green.

- [Vic] Belly button green.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Is it
belly button green again?

- It's belly button green again, so flip.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Okay. My turn.

- [Vic] So you were saying driving Uber

for the other imaginary characters?

- [Oops Lil Fart] Yeah, because
they take the Dream River

to see whatever kid they need to see,

so I drive the Uber.

- [Both] Belly button
green. Belly button green.

Belly button green. Belly button green.

Belly button green. Belly button green.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Your turn.

- So there's sort of like a
hierarchy of imaginary friends?

- [Oops Lil Fart] Oh yeah.

- So who's the top imaginary friend?

- Jesus.

- Jesus is the top imaginary friend?

- Millions of people got him.

They go, "I wish, I
wish, I wish for Jesus."

- But if you're driving Uber,

is Jesus appearing in in multiple places-

- I gotta drive him
there in my Honda Accord,

not to brag.

- [Vic] Okay.
- Belly button yellow.

Whoo-hoo!

- Okay. Well, are you happy?

Are you enjoying your time there?

- Oh, I'm loving it.

I had to get my license and every...

Oh, we're doing sideways?

- Well, it's belly button yellow.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Oh god.

- [Both] Belly button
yellow. Belly button yellow.

Belly button yellow. Belly button yellow.

Belly button yellow. Belly button yellow.

Belly button yellow.

- Are you happy, though,
I guess is my question.

- [Oops Lil Fart] I'm kind
of in imaginary friend prison

right now because I'm in big trouble

for having sex with different dads.

- So you're in prison.
What does that mean?

- [Oops Lil Fart] Well,
it means, it's like,

you know how you see a cloud up there?

Some of them have prison walls,

and I'm stuck behind 'em.

Belly button yellow.

- [Both] Belly button
yellow. Belly button yellow.

Belly button yellow.

- Belly-
- [Oops Lil Fart] My turn.

- I'm saying, you said,

"Do you understand that there are clouds

that are prisons sometimes?"

And I don't really understand that.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Belly button blue.

- [Vic] Belly button blue. Here we go.

Here we go.

- [Both] Belly button
blue. Belly button blue.

Belly button blue. Belly button blue.

Belly button blue. Belly button blue.

- Yeah, and that's the thing,

is if I can get someone to forgive me,

I'll be free from prison.

- You need-
- Please!

- No.

- All I need is forgiveness

and one phone call with your dad.

- You need a phone call with my father

in order to be forgiven?
- I won't say any-

- No, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately you're
gonna be stuck in prison

for a long time.
- He wants to hear from me.

- He doesn't even wanna hear from me.

I don't think he'd want to hear from you.

- Well, you didn't treat
him as right as I did.

- No.

- I treated him-
- No!

I don't wanna hear it.

(Oops Lil Fart sighing)

- Belly button blue.

- [Both] Belly button
blue. Belly button blue.

Belly button blue. Belly button blue.

Belly button blue. Belly button blue.

Belly button blue.

- Okay.

- I miss your dad.

He's the only man who ever loved me.

- My dad is the only
man who ever loved you?

- And some of the other kids' dads.

But he is the only one who really cared.

- Well, here's the thing.

Now that I've sort of
reached enlightenment,

I am going to-

- Gimme my one phone call

like I'm on "Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire"?

- I'm gonna get you out of fantasy jail

and I'm gonna get you in
contact with my father.

- Do you realize how crazy you sound?

- What do you mean?
- I love it.

- Okay.

- [Oops Lil Fart] You're
gonna prison break me.

- [Vic] We're gonna
prison break you. Okay.

So we're gonna get you your phone call.

(phone beeping)

- Oh, just...

You can trust me with it.

I wanna call him on my own time.

(line ringing)

Okay. Gimme a second.

- Okay.

- [Tom] Hello?

- Tom, hello!

It's, it's, it's, can you guess?

(Tom chuckles)

- [Tom] Is this Oops Lil Fart?

- It is Oops Lil Fart!

It is really good to hear you voice.

- Can you tell him I'm here?

- [Tom] How have you...

It's been ages. How have you been?

- I've been missing you.

I've been thinking about
how strong your hands are.

- And Vic is here!

- Oh, and yeah-
- And you're on,

you're on my show.

- [Tom] Oh, uh, yeah.

Oh.

Uh, you know, I actually
maybe have somewhere...

I have to go.

- Oh no. Tom, please don't, don't hang up.

- [Tom] You, you got the number?

Just, just, uh, you know, you know,

maybe call me back later.

- Don't you wanna know what I'm wearing?

Big shoes.

You know what that means.
- Okay, no.

- [Tom] Yeah, I know what you're wearing.

- And I think we got what we needed there.

And I think we got-
- Hey!

- What we needed.
(phone call cuts)

I think we're good there.
I think we're good.

Okay!

So you got to talk to
him and I forgive you,

so you're outta jail.

There you go. Congratulations!

- What's this?

- What do you mean? It's a tattoo.

- You got a tattoo. You
really are growing up.

- [Vic] Yeah.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Wow. You got a tattoo

of Reba McIntyre.

- [Vic] It's Barbara Walters.

She's kinda of the most confident

and beautiful woman on the planet,

and I sort of wanted to
bring some of that energy

into this space.

- [Oops Lil Fart] ? A single
mom who works two jobs ?

- What are you doing?

- [Oops Lil Fart] I got a tattoo too.

- Do you have a tattoo?

Can I see?

- No, I don't wanna show it. I'm too shy.

- Okay, well, then that's fine.

- Okay, I'll show you!
- Okay.

(Vic sighing)

Do you like it?
- [Vic] Okay, so...

And you're looking for my forgiveness

and then you'll leave?

I forgive you and you can leave.

- Uh, I don't think it worked.

- I think you're done here.

And maybe we can get the
botanist prepped and on set.

- But if you're done
here and you forgive me,

then I'll just go puffing
back up into the Dream River

and then I can't come back down

and be your imaginary
friend again because-

- Well, I guess then you're not
my imaginary friend anymore.

So I forgive you and you can go.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I'm sorry.
- So if we can-

- Is it because of this that you got mad?

- Well, it's ort of that

and then the fact that
it sort of represents

that you actually had sex with my dad.

(Oops Lil Fart sighs)

- I'll change it.

- No, you don't have to change it,

'cause if it's how you feel, just..

Okay.

I love Vic's dick?

- This is a picture of you.

- I don't think that that
personally looks anything like me.

- Please.

- Genuinely, I don't see it,

and I don't think anybody
at home is gonna see that.

- Do you want a body?

- Listen, I don't know what
else you want from me, okay?

You're forgiven. You can go.

- Can we just have one
last old kind of game

for time's sake?

Remember when I used to do your makeup?

- Yes.

- Can I do it again just before you go?

- Are you gonna keep talking
about how you had sex

with my dad?

- I don't give a crap
about your dad anymore.

You are my best friend,

and your dad's dick isn't even that nice.

See?
- Okay. Okay.

- Why don't you sit down

and I'll make it up to you?

We'll have a little bit
of old-fashioned fun

before I got outta here, okay?

And I won't say another word

about your dad's dick, balls,

tip of it, anything.

- Okay.
- Start of it, back of it.

- And we can start that now.

We can start that right now.
- I won't anything about it.

- Okay. Okay.

We can start that right now.
- Remember when your dad

used to go pee and he would not,

he would forget to shake his,

and then he would pull up his pants

and he'd have two little dots of dribble?

I loved that about him.

- Okay. Okay.

Well, I don't really wanna-
- Sit tight.

I'm gonna go get my tools.

(calm music)

Should we sing our little theme song

for our friendship?

- We can sing our
friendship theme song. Sure.

? Oops Little Fart ?

? Oops, little Vic ?
? Oops Little Fart ?

? Little Vic and Little Fart ?

? Beamin' dreams and breaking hearts ?

- Okay. I love that one.

- Okay, now I'm gonna give you a makeover.

- [Vic] No, we're not.

Maybe... (laughs)

- Let me do my thing. (laughs)

You have to trust me.

(calm music)
(technical beep)

- I'm gonna ask you some
rapid fire questions.

How about that? How about that?

- You ask me any question you want

while I paint your face?

- Okay. I get to pick the colors.

- Okay. You can pick between brown and

dark brown.

- Okay. So I think pink would be lovely.

- [Oops Lil Fart] Okay, fine.

- Okay. Okay, this is a fun one!

What superpower would you have?

- Power to sense if
someone else has leukemia.

- Okay. That actually seems like really...

Test it. Okay.

That actually sounds
like a really good thing.

- Oh, I forgot to say my power

would also be to give someone leukemia.

- Okay. Let's go.

Okay. How would you want to die?

Can imaginary friends die?

- We can't die, but we
can get unwished alive.

- Would that not be your
equivalent of death?

- I guess so.

But I'm just floating around in the ether

until someone else picks a
different kind of wish on me.

- [Vic] Oh, I understand.

So because I didn't unwish you alive,

you sort of were able
to exist in Colorado.

- Yes. And Colorado is awesome.

So when I'm not existing

and I get to be in Colorado, I'm like,

"Ooh, Colorado rules!"

- Oh, so you just sort of
keep talking about my dad,

and I didn't realize I had an option

to sort of unwish you alive.

- Well, don't do it now

'cause then you'll not be as pretty

as I meant you to be.

- When is the last time that you cried?

- Oops. (laughs)

- What?

- I messed up your lipstick a little bit.

- What do you mean? Does it look okay?

- I think it's okay.

- [Vic] Okay.

- The last time I cried, well,

I was in cloud jail.

- What is cloud jail like?

- It's a prison made of clouds.

It's clouds inside the prison.

And the walls of the prison are clouds,

but the prison itself is clouds
and the water is drinkable.

- So all of cloud jail is clouds?

- That's what I'm saying.

It's comfortable but you go hungry.

- And that is unfortunate.

And maybe if there's a
charity that we can shout out

that's helping with that,

we can sort of put that

in the bottom scroll.
- Exactly.

So last time I cried I was in there.

- What were you crying about?

- I was crying 'cause I was lonely.

I've been in there for a while.

And because I had had
relations with your dad,

they told me I was DQ'ed
from being a DS'er.

- A what?

- DQ'ed for being a DS'er.

- A dick sucker.

- You said it.

Close.
- Okay.

Who would play you in a film?

Oh, that's an excellent question.

- Shania-

- [Both] Twain.

- No, really?

- ? Whose bed have your bots been under ?

What other colors do you like?

- I think pink,

a little bit of-
- Can I choose one now?

- You can pick a color,

but you sort of know the colors

that you're not allowed to choose.

- I wanna do brown.

- Why not purple?

I think purple would be a great color.

- Okay.
- [Vic] And then test it.

Honestly, I love that.
- You're a control freak.

- What do you mean?

- Like, how we're just having fun,

but you're making me test
all the colors on you,

that's kinda control freak.

- I'm not a control freak.

I'm fixed actually now, and I'm better.

- Okay.
- [Vic] Okay.

So that's sort of right up my nose.

In a film about your life,

Shania Twain would play you?

- [Oops Lil Fart] Yeah.

- And speaking of the story of your life,

what does Oops Lil Fart wanna be doing?

- No one has ever-
- Where are you

after all this?
- Asked me that before.

- Well, that's why you come on this show.

- I wanna be a real person.

- You wanna be a real person?

You wanna live in the real world?

Colorado isn't the real world?

- Not where I'm from.

- What part is it?

- Imaginary cul-de-sac.

- [Vic] Yeah. Okay.

Would you like a hug?

- Yes.

- Okay. Here we go.

And you're, you're totally fine.

And no, and no more crying and no tears.

Oh, this is so nice.

Okay. Hey.

You know, being a real person

is not all it's cracked up to be, okay?

What are we drawing?

- Nothing.
- Okay.

Being a real person is not

all of it's cracked up to be, okay?

- It's not?
- And you have

a really important job,

and that is kind of like
making people's dreams

a reality.

Oh my god, I drew this.

- Yeah, you did.

You made me, and only you can free me.

- But if I free you, then you're, like,

not my imaginary friend anymore.

- But then I could go be
a real woman somewhere.

I could be Oops Lil Fart, MD.

- You think you're gonna be a doctor?

- Why? I can't because I'm a woman?

- I'm saying I think you could do things,

I think maybe doctor is
a little out of your-

- [Oops Lil Fart] Shh.

Look, I'm sorry I was
a bad imaginary friend.

I should have never doodle
squatted on your dad.

I admit that.

- [Vic] Don't call it that.

- But I just need you to
forgive me so I can move on.

I can be free from cloud jail.

- I did forgive you.

- You didn't mean it.

(reflective music)

- Why do you wanna be
free from cloud jail?

Why do you wanna be a person?

- Because,

I wanna be like you:

vulnerable, messy-

- An amazing host.
- Ugly, weird.

- What?

- I just mean, like, human, you know? So-

- I get that.

You know, as much as it is hard

when things don't pan out

the way you were expecting them to,

it is a privilege getting
to live those experiences,

and I want that for you.

- Thank you.

Free me from up there.

Send me back to Colorado to live free.

- I forgive you.

- Mean it more.

- I forgive you.

- Do you mind if I help you
push it from your gut? Ready?

- I don't think that that's necessary.

- Do I need to ask Jesus for help?

- Nope. Please don't ask him here.

(Oops Lil Fart deeply inhales)
(Vic faintly speaking)

- Here it comes.

Jesus, help me.

- [Vic] I forgive you.

- And here it comes. Lord,
we're calling your name.

- I forgive you.

I forgive you! I forgive you!

I forgive you! I forgive you!

You are forgiven.

(magic chimes)

(Oops Lil Fart speaks gibberish)

- What?

- Belly button to belly button.

- Okay.
(Oops Lil Fart gasps)

- I'm released.

- [Vic] Wait. No, I have
one more question for you.

It's one that I ask every
single one of my guests,

and it is: What is the meaning of life?

- Jesus is the king imaginary friend.

He's calling me home!

- Lil Fart, what is the meaning of life?

- The meaning of life is-

- [Vic] Wait, no. Wait, wait.

- Your dad's dick. (chuckles)

- [Vic] No. Come on.

Stop. No.

(dramatic music)

- I'm Vic Michaelis reminding
you to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight. Okay.

It's locked.

Can we get that botanist on set maybe?

Perfect. Amazing.

Great work today!

(graphic chimes)

(door clicks)

(phone beeping)

(line ringing)

- Hello, Tom. This is
Oops Lil Fart calling.

I called you earlier.

I just used the redial button to get you.

I'm sorry I missed you,

but I was just calling in

to say I'm thinking about you.

I'm thinking about all
those nights, you know,

your hands in my hair and me,

me pulling on your jeans like a dog,

and us doing belly buttons

deeper than ever,

and how summer's feeling like August,

but it's actually October stuff.

So I've been thinking about
you so much and, you know,

missing you and spending
time out here with our child,

I mean,

your child.

You know what I mean, Tom. Call me.

We need to talk about

Vic

and the custody of Vic.

See you later. Dreaming of your dick.

Bye.

(phone beeps)

Oh god.

Oh fuck.

(door slams)
(graphic chimes)

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