Original subtitles

♪ Men.♪

Sex is so much better with someone you know well.

Yeah.Mm-hmm.

That'’s why so many marriages last forever.

[both cackling]

But it'’s true, it'’s true-- sex is better when you,

you know, you know the other person'’s rhythms,

what they like,

which leg they can put behind their head.

I'’m still impressed you can do that.

Uh, yoga.

When I started, I was single and I wanted to be

flexible enough to give myself a...

You know, I, uh, I-I really would have missed you

if you moved to San Francisco.

Aw, me, too.

Although maybe I should have waited to sell the house.

I got to be out of here in two weeks.Mm.

I could help you find an apartment.

Unless you want me to stay out of your hair.

Hey, that'’s the second time I said that tonight.

Actually, I really could use your help.

I mean, unless you'’re busy with work.

[both cackling]

Oh, I love you, Lyndsey.

I love you, too, Alan.

You want to go again?No.

You satisfied me the first time.

[both cackling]

♪ Men.♪

Walden, do you believe in destiny?

I believe in

Destiny'’s Child.

I'’m serious.

Think of everything that happened

that led us to this moment.

Oh, see, that... I'’d rather not.

I know you don'’t want to talk about my relationship with Alan.

No, I don'’t. I don'’t even like

sharing a cab with Alan.

But don'’t you see? If Alan and I hadn'’t been together

and I hadn'’t freaked out when he rejected me,

you wouldn'’t be here to comfort me.

In a way, I just want to say

thank you, Alan Harper.

Yeah.

Thank you, Alan Harper.

So-So you are aware that you...

...freaked out a little bit.

You mean when I showed up to your house at midnight

in the rain or when I followed Alan for 12 straight hours

and peed in a bottle in my car?

I didn'’t know you did that. That'’s...

Look at us, getting to know each other.

[soft chuckle]

So-So was that

out of character for you, would you say?

Well, I admit, I am not good with rejection.

Who is?

Well, don'’t worry.

I am never, ever gonna let go of you.

I believe you.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

Uh-oh.

I'’ll let you know when I'’m done.

Okay, once again,

I will buy you another Lego mini figure.

We don'’t have to wait for that one to come out.

Hey.

Oh, you always know when I'’ve had sex.

What gave it away?

The bounce in my step or the glow in my cheek?

No, it'’s probably the, uh, text

I got from you that said,

"Guess why I can'’t see my penis right now."

I was bored.

So, uh, how was your little talk with Ms. McMartin?

You know, about that whole situation-- you and her--

I just... you know, maybe I just judged you too harshly.

No, no, I was... I deserved it. I-I was stupid and weak.

And besides, bitch be crazy.

Yeah. Well...

bitch be my girlfriend.

Oh, my God. You didn'’t.

After all the crap you gave me?

"How could you sleep with our social worker, Alan?"

"Get your penis out of my business, Alan."

"That'’s not what yoga is for, Alan."

Okay, fine, I admit it. I-I made a mistake.

I just... I Alan'’d this whole thing up.

My name as a verb. I like it.

So-So how did this happen?

I don'’t know. I just... I went over there and then...

she got all emotional

and kept calling herself a loser and then...

Okay, and then she started to cry.

Oh, crying. She used that to turn me on, too.

What? No. I-I comforted her

and then one thing led to an... You'’re a freak.

Hey, hey, don'’t call me a freak.

You'’re the one who Alan'’d it up.

You know what, maybe it'’ll be okay.

I mean, she only goes crazy when she gets rejected,

so I just have to keep her happy for a couple days

until we finalize Louis'’s adoption.

See, I just...

I feel bad, '’cause...

I mean, she already fell head over heels in love with me.

She Walden'’d you.

You know what?

Go Alan yourself.

Thanks to yoga, I can.

♪ Men.♪

This is great.

Lots of natural light, hardwood floors,

and it'’s next to a Chipotle.

I can'’t wait for our first post-booty burrito.

It'’s also right across the street

from a really cute bookstore.

Remember books?

And-and you saw how big those closets are.

I could live in those things.

Not a good idea.

I already have enough people asking me

if you'’re in the closet.

People think I'’m gay?

That'’s hilarious.

Can'’t wait to tell my husband.

So... do you really like it?

[scoffs] What'’s not to like?

This place is amazing.

Good. '’Cause I was thinking

maybe instead of visiting,

why don'’t you move in with me?

In this dump?

You just said you liked it.

That was when I thought it was for you.

But for the two of us?

There'’s no study.

Where would I write my novel?

You'’re writing a novel?

Well, when I finish my screenplay.

Do you not want to live with me?

No, of course I do.

But I-I want our place to be perfect.

Like you.

Uh, and I don'’t care how long it takes to find it.

You have two weeks.

[scoffs] Two weeks?

That'’s-that'’s plenty of time to find an apartment

and finish Alan Harper: Vampire Hunter.

♪ Men.♪

There you are!

[screams]

Hi!

There you are!

In my kitchen.

Holding a knife.

Oh, I'’m sorry.

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, I peed a little, so...

good job.

Wh-Who... How did you get in here?

Berta.

I told her I was cooking for you.

She said, "Great. Clean the toilets, too."

Then she grabbed a six-pack and she went home.

So it'’s just me and you.

There'’s no witnesses.

[laughs]

You are so funny.

[laughs]

It'’s like dating Jimmy Fallon.

[laughs]

I'’m making you crab cakes.

What...? Really? I love crab cakes.

I know.

You told me the happiest summer you ever had

was when your family rented that house in Maryland

and your grandpa took you crabbing.

I remember when we were there and he said,

"You know, when you turn 18, I'’m gonna take you to Vegas

and we'’ll get a different kind of crabs."

Ah, yeah.

Then he laughed.

Oh, how Boompa loved his hookers.

Hey, this is very nice, but maybe next time...

Oh! I also have your favorite dessert.

Did I tell you about Gam-Gam'’s apple pie?

That'’s not Gam-Gam'’s pie.

♪ Men.♪

Hey.

Oh, hey. Where you been?

Apartment hunting.

[gagging]

Are you... Really?

Oh, my God, you do hear my prayers.

Don'’t get excited.

It was for Lyndsey.

Oh. Damn you.

But get this: She asked me to move in with her.

All right, you got me.

There'’s no way I'’m doing it.

Ah, you'’re dead to me!

So, uh, how'’s it going with Ms. McCrazy?

You know what? That'’ll be enough of that.

Oh, sorry.

[whispering]: She might be listening.

No, I'’m just...

Seriously, Ms. McMartin is a genuinely nice person.

I just...

I feel bad about, like, stringing her along.

Yeah, but you can'’t break up with her.

It'’ll jeopardize the adoption.

I know, but, like, lying to her

just seems cowardly and selfish.

Well, you know what they say.

One man'’s cowardly and selfish

is another man'’s approach to everything in life.

No, you know what?

She didn'’t take Louis away

when she found out our marriage was fake.

And she didn'’t take him away when you dumped her, so...

Like, she'’s gonna do the right thing.

So am I.

Good for you.

You make me want to be a better man.

Hey, uh, i-is Louis home?

No, he'’s staying at a friend'’s house.

Good. I can watch porn without headphones.

Oh, I get it now.

I'’m inhell.

♪ Men.♪

Come on, baby.

Get off that laptop and get on top of this lap.

[laughs]

I'’m trying to find us a place to live.

Oh! How about this one?

It'’s got a community hot tub.

Yes, that'’s great.

Uh, because when I'’m stuck in traffic,

uh, and I look at the stranger in the next car

and he'’s picking his nose, I'’m always thinking,

"Boy, I'’d like to sit in stagnant water with that guy."

Okay, no hot tub.

Hey, how about a two-bedroom loft downtown?

It'’s got a washer and dryer.

And no green space for my herb garden.

Do you even know me? [sighs]

Okay.

Describe your perfect place.

Uh, it'’s a beautiful home,

it'’s on the beach,

it has a housekeeper

and it'’s owned by a billionaire

who doesn'’t monitor his change jar.

You'’re just describing this house.

Wow, you'’re right.

That worked out. Let'’s have sex.

Alan...

I'’ve made a lot of changes in my life

and I was excited about starting all over with you,

but I cannot go through this same pattern

over and over again.

You love this house more than you love me.

Oh, I'’m sorry.

Was that a question?

Good-bye, Alan.

Oh, come... This is so unfair.

Until you went to rehab last month,

you loved vodka more than me.

And when I'’ve had too much house,

I don'’t get naked in the Walmart.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Oh, hey, uh, Berta.

When Ms. McMartin gets here, can you give us some privacy?

I gotta talk to her.

Oh, God.

When are you gonna stop proposing to all these women?

Zoey, Kate...

Alan.Uh...

actually, I'’m gonna break up with her.

If you want, I can pull together a breakup kit

like I used to do for Charlie.

It'’s a pint of Haäagen Dazs,

a bottle of wine

and the only copy of your sex tapes.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Walden.

Hey, Berta!

What'’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Why?

No reason.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Why are you with me?

Good, good. How are you?

Are you with me because you'’re afraid

if you break up with me, I'’ll screw up the adoption?

What?!

No!

Come... I just, uh...

Berta, how we coming with that ice cream?

Please be honest with me.

Okay, to be honest...

yeah, I did think that.

But then I realized that you would never

ever do something like that.

I was doing that.

I knew it!

This morning, I was going over your paperwork,

and I literally considered postponing the final hearing

because I was afraid, as soon as it happened,

you would leave me.

I would never do that to you.

I was gonna break up with you right now.

So, you agree.

We shouldn'’t see each other anymore.

Here.

What'’s this?

It'’s the final adoption forms.

You have a court date tomorrow

and everything'’s gonna sail through.

Congratulations. Louis is yours.

Oh, really?

Oh... oh, my God, thank you.

Ah, you know this is a

"thank you for being a great social worker" hug,

not a "I want you back" hug.

Yeah, I know.

And don'’t worry, I'’m not gonna go all crazy

and freak out on you.

Come on, I know that.

I froze your sperm.

♪ Men.♪

Okay, buddy, here we go. This is the first time

we'’re walking into this house as an official family.

Cool.

Walden Schmidt, Louis Schmidt

and a big pile of Schmidt.

Ah!

Hey, you know, now that you'’re my son,

someday all of this is gonna be yours.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let'’s not get ahead of ourselves.

So, what should we do to celebrate

this special family day?

I'’m going to play Legos in my room!

Oh, oh, uh, you mean,

"I'’m going to play Legos in my room, Dad."

I'’m going home to get high.

I mean, I'’m going home to get high...

Dad.

Seriously, I'’m happy for you.

And I want you to know I'’m, I'’m here whenever you need me.

Alan, you'’re not getting the house.

Damn it!

This is weird.

Feel like I should be doing something dad-like.

Like drinking beers outside.

Or grilling something.

You know, something manly.

Oh, perfect!

Uh, I have a nice, thick

Portobello mushroom you can grill.

I said "something manly."

Well, if you close your eyes, you'’ll swear you have

a piece of meat in your mouth.

I'’m never closing my eyes again.

Just give me a beer.

So, uh, how'’s it going with Ms. McMartin?

She seemed a little standoffish at the courthouse.

You know, I think she was just trying

to keep things professional.

There'’s nothing going on between us anymore.

Guess it doesn'’t matter.

We always knew it would end up like this.

Just you and me.

Couple of cool bros,

couple of chilled brews...

and a couple of grilled '’bellos.

Stop trying to shove your mushrooms down my throat!

My point is we don'’t need anything else to be happy.

[grunts] Or anyone.

Right, right!

Let Lyndsey move to San Francisco.

There'’s no way I'’m giving up all this for her!

I mean, look at this house!

Look at the ocean and the view!

That'’s why you broke up?

You had a choice between Lyndsey

and this house,

and you chose this house?

Yep.

Okay, you gave up a relationship with a woman who knows

everything about you and still wants to be with you

because you didn'’t want to leave this house?

Yep.

Okay, as I'’m saying this out loud,

you are realizing what a moron you are, aren'’t you?

Yep.

But-but I'’m not the only one.

Ms. McMartin is perfect for you.

Come on, you'’re the one who said she was crazy.

Yes, yes, but when you really look at it, what has she done?

I mean, she fell in love too quickly... like you.

She only wants what'’s best for Louis...

like you.

She'’s inexplicably drawn to me...

like you.

She did surprise me by cooking my favorite meal naked.

Sadly, like you.

I mean, at least I-I traded Lyndsey for a house.

What did you trade Ms. McMartin for?

Nothing.

It'’s worse!

I traded her for you!

Oh, my God! We'’re idiots!

I know. We'’re gonna die alone!

Worse! We'’re gonna die with each other!

Go to Ms. McMartin!

I will! Go to Lyndsey!

I will! I love you!

Oh, not the right time.Knew that.

♪ Men.♪

There you are.

[screams][grunting]

Walden?

Surprise.

Oh, I'’m so sorry!

I thought you were an intruder.

But how did you get in my apartment?

Well, I was gonna, um...

rent the vacant apartment above you,

and then rappel down the building

and smash through the window, like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.

But then I just looked under your mat,

and I found your spare key.

Oh! That'’s for my cat psychic.

Wha...? Your what?

What do you want?

I-I remembered that your favorite meal was

pan-seared salmon with orange miso glaze.

Oh, my God, you made that for me?

No. Uh, I made...

uh, grilled cheese since it'’s

the only thing I know how to make.

But the important thing is I remembered.

Well, that'’s very sweet.

But... why?

I wanted to give us another chance.

Oh... oh, I don'’t know, Walden...

B-Before you say anything else, just... listen to this.

♪ When a man

♪ Loves a social worker.

♪ Men.♪

Hi. Uh, my girlfriend is about to leave for San Francisco,

and I need a ticket on the 7:35 flight.

Unfortunately, there'’s only one seat left,

and that'’s in first class.

Oh, how much is it?$1,100.

Oh, go to hell!

I'’m sorry, that was not, uh, directed at you.

Uh, you know what, uh, uh, Karen?

Uh, is it possible that someone

who already has a coach seat

could be bumped for some reason?

Or...

say, if I give you...

ten reasons?

And you give me five reasons back?

Sir, I cannot accept a bribe.

And I certainly cannot give you change for a bribe.

You don'’t understand how important it is

for me to get this ticket!

I will do anything.

Anything.

Perhaps Karen wants

to get her groove back?

There is one thing you can do.

Name it.

You can give me $1,100.

I just... I just need to get to that gate

before my girlfriend boards that plane.

I-I need to tell her that-that I-I love her

and I was wrong and I want to spend my life with her.

I'’m sorry, you should'’ve mentioned that before.

We have a special fare for big romantic gestures.

And it'’s $1,100.

Fine.

I'’ll go.

Karen: 1,100.

Love: zero.

♪ When a man loves a woman

♪ He can'’t keep his mind... ♪

I also remembered how you love Michael Bolton.

[laughs]

Michael Bublé.

Oh.

♪ If she'’s bad, he can'’t... ♪

Bolton.

You know any Bublé?

God, no.

Okay, we'’re done here.

What are you looking at?

Get the hell out of here, Bolton!

Fine.

I gave up singing the national anthem

at the Lakers game for this.

♪ When a man loves

♪ Grilled cheese sandwiches.

[door closes]

So, what do you say?

Will you give us another chance?

Walden, this is kind of the man-woman playbook.

I dumped you, and now you want to be with me

because you want what you can'’t have.

Oh, God, you'’re so smart. Let'’s make out.

I'’m serious.

Well, so am I!

Come on, you'’re kind and you'’re generous.

And it... and it'’s cute how you turn on the water

in the bathroom so you think I can'’t hear you peeing.

Plus, we'’re good in bed together.

True.

Although, after Alan, anyone was gonna look good.

Okay, I will give you, like, a billion dollars

if you never bring that up again.

Look, you don'’t have to give me money

when you want me to do something-- just ask.

Why can'’t you be my husband?

I have to admit, it would be kind of nice

to have Bolton singing right now.Oh.

♪ When a man loves a woman...

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Boarding pass?Oh!

Here you go, good sir.

This is a Chinese takeout menu.

Okay, okay, um, I do not have,

uh, a boarding pass.

But if you will let me go to that gate,

I'’ll do anything.

Anything.

You can'’t go to the gate without a boarding pass.

Have you ever been in love, sir?

Yes. With America.

Who I'’m here to protect.

That'’s why nobody gets through without a boarding pass.

Someone left a bag unattended!

Lyndsey!

We'’ve got a runner!

Lyndsey! Lyndsey!

Alan?

Lyndsey! [stuttering]

I-I-I-I-I love-love-love-love- love-love you-you-you-you-you!

I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m p-p-p-p-peeing!