Original subtitles

♪ Men.♪

[sighs]

I can'’t believe it. I know.

Since you let me do it to you, I had to let you do it to me.

Not that.

Although, remind me to throw away that cat toy.

No, I meant the fact that you are cheating

on your husband to sleep with your social worker.

You just described a fantasy I didn'’t know I had.

Naughty social worker.

Show me on the doll where I should touch you.

Okay, I need to keep romantically what I do here

separate from what I do professionally out there.

Even though, in both cases,

I seem to work with the jobless and homeless.

I think we have a professional relationship.

You gave us a kid, I gave you an orgasm.

Well, technically, both of those are still pending.

But I'’m serious.

If we'’re gonna do this, we have to establish some boundaries.

I mean, I'’m overseeing Walden'’s adoption of Louis.

Right, right, I-I really don'’t want to mess that up.

It'’s just that I-I like spending time with you.

And I--

to my surprise--

like spending time with you.

I'’m kind of like poison ivy.

You don'’t realize you'’ve been exposed until you get that itch.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

Hey.

Oh, what'’s that?

Yes, I am wearing the same clothes as last night.

Ask not for whom the booty calls.

The booty calls for me.

So I assume you'’re not gonna stop

until I ask who it was.

A gentleman doesn'’t kiss and tell,

but I'’m no gentleman,

and it'’s hard to kiss a woman from behind.

Alan, okay, who was it?

[laughing]: I banged our social worker.

Ms. McMartin?

Again?

What can I say?

She gave my penis a good home.

I thought this was gonna be something that you did once,

like manscaping with a straight razor.

Please don'’t mess this up for me.

Oh, no, no, it'’s a good thing.

Uh, plus, we-we really like each other,

And we agreed to respect boundaries.

You know-- personal life, professional life.

Okay, and what boundaries are you respecting

when you'’re bragging about having sex with her?

That'’s just something a man wants to share with his husband.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, oh, that'’s Ms. McMartin.

She'’s here to check up on Louis.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

[stammering]: Wait up, hold on...

She told you this?

No, she didn'’t tell me-- we have boundaries.

I saw it on her phone when I was going through her texts.

Hello, Walden.

Ms. McMartin.

Hi.

What a surprise.

Come on in.

Hey, girl.

You are social workin'’ it.

Can I get you anything?

Like a new boyfriend?

Okay, so obviously Alan told you about us.

Uh, yes, he has.

Look, I want you to know

this will in no way affect our professional relationship.

I am here strictly as your and Louis'’s caseworker.

And let me tell you something right now,

I want to back that case up.

You know, Alan, the lucky thing is that after I smack you,

there'’s already a social worker here to report it to.

So how is everything going with Louis?

You know, it'’s good.

Uh, but I have a couple questions.

Like... like, okay, for example,

what'’s the best way to discipline him?

Uh, I believe she favors spanking.

All right, what do I say

when he asks about his biological parents?

And how much cheese is too much cheese?

Okay, how about we just do one question at a time?

Okay, okay.

There'’s some cultural things, like--

should I teach him a cool handshake,

or does that just make me lame?

Good question, bro.

Blow it up.

You know what might help?

Talking to other foster parents.

Actually, some of my dads have started

an informal support group.

They kick around these kind of questions every week.

Oh, that'’d be great for you.

Uh, I went to a group for divorced dads,

and it really helped.

Uh, I also went to a group for people whose moms died,

but, uh, that was just wishful thinking.

♪ Men.♪

Hey, buddy. Berta'’s gonna watch you

when I go to my meeting tonight, okay?

Okay.

We'’re gonna have a lot of fun.

Remember the last time when we learned about animals and math?

Yep. Wow, what'’d you learn?

A trifecta is a sucker bet.

And?

Horses run faster when they poop before the race.

The kid'’s a sponge.

Good morning.

Speaking of sponges.

Morning.

Big plans for the day?

I got my first dads group tonight.

Oh. And before that, Louis and I are gonna go to the movies.

Then I'’m gonna hit the gym.

Oh, you know what?

Why don'’t we go to the gym first?

That way, we can steal some waters

so we can sneak them into the movies.

You want to go?

Uh, isn'’t today when you go to the farmer'’s market

and bargain for bruised peaches?

I can just go to the supermarket.

They'’re all bruised when you bring a Sharpie.

I want to spend the day with you.

Oh, great.

You know, it'’s just that I-I was gonna head straight from the gym

to the meeting.

So...

if you go...

Oh, oh, I get it. Say no more.

Thank you.

You can just drop me off on your way.

Mmm, what do you want for dinner?

I don'’t know.

Who thinks about dinner

when you'’re still swallowing your breakfast?

I'’ll have hot dogs.

Where are you going?

I'’m gonna do something to help me run faster.

♪ Men.♪

Hey, fellas, the new guy'’s here.

Hey. MAN: Hey.

Hey, you going to spin class, sweetie?

Yep. See you later.

Hey, I'’m Rick.

Hey. Walden. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.Your daughter is very nice.

Yes, she is, but that was my wife.

My daughter'’s 40.

That'’s way too old for me.

This is Leo, and that'’s Jack.

Hi. Hi. Hey. Hey, nice to meet you.

That'’s, uh, Brian over there.

Just had newborn twins, so he just comes here to sleep.

Yeah, you could fart in his face, he won'’t even wake up.

Ah.

Here you go.Oh, thank you.

This place is amazing.

You got a bar, and the pool table, and the TVs.

You just add some hot chicks, orange paint and an owl,

and you got a Hooters.

[laughing]

Maybe Heidi can serve us beers when she gets back.

Why not? That'’s what she was doing when I met her.

So, uh, what'’s your kid situation?

Uh, I got a boy.

Uh, his name'’s Louis.

He'’s six.

Uh, he likes Minecraftand Legos and, apparently,

twice as much cheese as what doctors recommend.

Nice. I got three daughters.

I always wanted a son, so, uh, we adopted Josh.

Now I got half a girl'’s volleyball team

and a boy who wants to be their cheerleader.

But I love him-- no judgment.

My wife and I adopted a four-year-old girl, Micah.

I also do alarm systems, in case you'’re in the market.

Give me your contact info,

I'’ll put you down on my weekly e-mail blast.

All the guys get it.

[imitating cough]: Mark as spam.

[chuckles]

That is funny.

Jack'’s alarm code is #227.

I got three grown kids from my first marriage,

and Heidi and I just adopted a seven-year-old girl.

Wow. You must really love kids.

Kids are fine. What I love is Heidi.

You saw her.

When I was in college,

her mother was in sixth grade.

And if you think about it,

my next wife isn'’t even born yet.

So, uh, why did you and your wife choose to adopt?

My wife is incapable of having children.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Yeah, his name is Alan.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

A-Although, uh,

he did order boner pills from China once

that made him lactate.

[chuckles]

[chuckles] Uh,

so, anything going on with Louis?

Yeah, you know, I have a couple questions

that-that you'’re the perfect person to answer.

Why is that?

'’Cause I'’m handsome? Charming?

College graduate? Top home security specialist

in the South Bay three years running?

Yes, that...

Louis is also all those things.

I'’m just messing with you!

[chuckles]Yeah.

Ms. McMartin told us your kid was mixed-race.

So what do you want to know?

Uh, do you want to know how to comb his hair?

Uh, what type of music to expose him to?

Do I need to teach him a cool handshake?

So that'’s-that'’s actually a thing?

Yeah, yeah. Here, let me show you, let me show you.Oh.

Huh? Huh? Ooh.

That is cool.

And you just did it

to hand me your business card.

Yeah. If you tell me that I sent you,

then you get 20% off.

By the way, have you seen my wife?

♪ Men.♪

Hey, uh, thanks for having me.

You know, this is great. I-I don'’t think I knew it,

but I needed a place like this.

You mean a place to get away from our wives?

Preach!

Wait, why do you need a place? You'’re married to a guy.

Your only problem is, do I watch SportsCenterbefore,

during or after sex?

Uh, actually, it'’s-it'’s a little more complicated than that.

What do you mean?

I mean, well, imagine...

all of the wife and none of the sex.

Yeah, we don'’t need to imagine. We'’re married, too.

I don'’t know what you guys are talking about.

I get all the sex I can handle.

Which, at my age, is about once a month.

Can-can I share something that doesn'’t leave this room?

Yeah, sure. Oh, these guys know that back when I was single...

[whispers]: I used to bang his sister.

Okay, here'’s the thing.

I'’m not gay.

I-I married my best friend

so I could adopt Louis.

Really?

Then you shouldn'’t have any of these problems.

And yet I have all of these problems.

I mean, that'’s why it'’s so great coming here.

I get to get away from Alan.

I mean, he wants to do everything with me.

He ordered a Groupon for two-for-one prostate exams.

Are your wives that clingy?

Oh, yeah. My wife just bought golf clubs

so she could ruin golf for me.

My wife'’s outside waiting in the minivan.

Yeah, even I have to get away from Heidi every now and then.

Do you know what the worst "wife" thing is?

When you forget to ask them, "How was your day?"

Oh.No, no,

the worst thing is when you ask Alan,

"How was your day?" and he answers.

You know, it'’s funny-- I-I always thought

being married to a guy would be different.

In some ways, it is. I mean, uh... for example,

I imagine that you guys enjoy it

when you walk in on your wives masturbating.

Oh, yeah.Yeah, yeah...

Oh, no!

♪ Men.♪

Hey, there you are. We didn'’t get to talk yesterday.

How was your day?

Great. How was your...

day?

Oh, oh, it was the worst.

Fade in: Supermarket. There were only two lanes open,

but there must have been 30 of us.

30? Wow, that'’s an amazing end to that story.

I wish. You know they don'’t give you bags anymore?

If you want a bag, that'’s ten cents.

Ten cents. That'’s outrageous.

That'’s six bruised peaches.

Uh, anyway, so I-I went out to the parking lot

and there was a...Alan, can...

can we just jump to the end?

She agreed not to press charges.

Okay, that is the end to, like, way too many of your stories.

So, uh, how did your foster dads group go?

I-I texted you, but you never answered.

Really?

I... That'’s... I must not have gotten it.

Are you sure? Uh, it says it was read at 7:47.

I guess it was ignored at 7:48.

Dads group was really fun.

Yeah, I think it'’s gonna be really gonna helpful for Louis.

Oh, great, great. Uh, when are you gonna do it again?

Uh... Well, you know, I was gonna actually

have the guys over tonight.

Tonight? The place is a mess.

And The Good Wifeis on.

Mmm.

Well, I do want to meet the guys, though.

Oh. Well, you know, it'’s a... it'’s actually, it'’s a pretty

tight-knit group, so...

I don'’t think people will be able to open up

if there'’s a stranger around. Besides, don'’t...

don'’t you and Ms. McMartin have a thing tonight?

Nope. Uh-uh. Free as a boner in sweat pants.

No. Come on.

You deserve a thing, so...

here.

Well, I-I do deserve a thing.

Hey, hey-- you only give me money

when you'’re trying to get rid of me.

No, I don'’t. Here, take more money.

Wait, hold on. Do you...

do you not want me around tonight?

No, it'’s just... it'’s just...

I had fun last night,

and I want to have fun again tonight.

I see. And Webster'’s defines fun as having

or pertaining to the absence of Alan.

From the Latin: hurticus feelingsmus.

Okay, are you really asking why I don'’t want you around

while you'’re talking like that?

Oh, so you really don'’t want me around?

Yes, or as defined in Webster'’s, affirmative.

Don'’t take my dictionary thing.Well,

at least you have a thing.

I don'’t have anything for myself.

I mean, every time I turn around, there you are.

Oh, what? Let'’s just do it. Look, oh, there you are.

Well, I'’m sorry if my presence offends you.

If bags weren'’t ten cents apiece,

I'’d put one over my head.

Listen, I just want one thing for myself.

One thing where you'’re not around.

Is that too much to ask?

Fine. If that'’s how you feel, you know,

have your stupid little group all to yourself in our house.

But don'’t expect me to wait to watch The Good Wife.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

And here'’s a picture of Heidi on a nude beach in Cancún.

Whoa. I can see her can.

And her cún.

Alan?

I thought you had a thing.

Well, if you saw my feet after the paraffin dip,

you'’d know I already had my thing.

Don'’t worry, I won'’t spoil your little party.

You must be the dads who are part of the group.

I'’m the dad who'’s not part of the group.

And here we go.

Hey, hey, why don'’t... why don'’t you have a beer?

Oh, no, I'’ll be in my room. I can amuse myself.

I have a half bag of Cheetos and a radio.

Oh, hey, hey, come on, man.

No. Please stay.

Well, when the boss says jump, I say how... Hi. I'’m Alan.

Wow, what a fun way to meet someone.

Here you go.There you go.

Oh. Thank you, thank you. So, uh, so what'’s going on?

Or-Or should I say whassup?!

You remember that?

You guys... You guys remember that? Remember?

Whassup?!

That is the whitest guy I have ever seen.

Wait, wait, is that all you'’re serving?

Chips? Not even in a bowl?

You should be embarrassed.

Oh, trust me, I'’m embarrassed.

Look, nobody cares.

Alan seems to care, and you care

about Alan'’s feelings, don'’t you?

Ooh, I like him. Two points for the silver fox.

Maybe I'’ll just, uh, throw together some nachos.

We'’re fine. The... Hey, I don'’t want you

to go to all the trouble. See? I'’m thinking about you.

It'’s no trouble. It'’s just, uh, chips, uh...

[with accent]: guacamole, uh, jalapeños and, uh, queso fresco.

My wife'’s idea of nachos

is just dumping some salsa on chips.

Well, I'’m nacho average wife.

[laughing]

♪ Men.♪

So this guy-- I bail him out completely,

agree to marry him,

and guess what we do on our wedding night.

I-I don'’t need to hear that. No judgment.

Nothing. We came straight home.

Same place we went on our honeymoon.

The guy has a jet. How hard is it to go to Aruba?

Jamaica.

♪ Ooh, I wanna take you

♪ To Bermuda

♪ Bahama, come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego

♪ Baby, why don'’t we go ♪♪ Ooh, I want to take you down to Kokomo ♪

♪ We'’ll get there fast ♪

♪ And then we'’ll take it slow ♪

♪ That'’s where we want to go ♪

♪ Way down in Kokomo

♪ Martinique

♪ That Monserrat mystique.

[all whooping, laughing]

That is my jam,

and y'’all are my bitches.

♪ Men.♪

What the hell are you doing?

I'’m just being a fun guy. What are youdoing?

You'’re about as much fun as the polyp in Rick'’s colon.

You'’re doing exactly what I thought you would.

You'’re taking my friends.

Just like you take everything.

You took my house, you took my money,

you even took my old jeans and turned '’em into cutoffs.

They'’re called jorts, and they look great on me.Okay,

you knew I didn'’t want you here

and you said you weren'’t gonna be here,

yet here you are

with your... [with accent]: guacamole

and your fresco queso.

It'’s queso fresco.You do not correct me when I'’m mocking you.

You know what? You know what? I think...

I think that the reason that you didn'’t want me here

is because you were afraid

that they were gonna like me better than you.

Okay, I can honestly say that I have never

had that thought in my life.

Everything okay in here?

Well, am I allowed

to answer your friends, Walden?

I'’m sorry you guys had to see this.

Oh, come on, we'’ve all been there.

I mean, just a while back, Jack'’s wife chased him

around his house with a steak knife.

Trust me, I was in no danger.

She couldn'’t use a kitchen utensil to save her life.

We can help you work though this.

That'’s what the group is for.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,

hey, why don'’t we do some role playing?

Okay, you'’re... you'’re, uh, Alan,

and you just found out that Walden

doesn'’t want you around his friends.

Fine. Thank you, Walden,

for letting me live here rent-free.

Despite not contributing anything to this household,

I ignore even your most basic requests.

Um...You'’re not really supposed to use this

to attack.Wait,

hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'’m Walden, and I get off

on making Alan feel bad about himself.

Well, I'’m Alan, and I get off on everything.

Including the stock photos

that come from the picture frames from Target.

That was one time. The Internet was down,

and-and she reminded me of a girl I knew in high school.

Yeah, we'’ve all been there. Sears catalog.

Neiman Marcus.

The Indian girl from the Land O'’Lakes box.

Okay, you know what, I'’m sick of having the same fight

over and over again.

You know, why do we keep doing this?

'’Cause you love him and he loves you.

Also, where am I?

Oh, hey, Brian, I know you'’ve been asleep for a few meetings,

but Walden told us they'’re not actually gay.

I know they'’re not gay. I said they love each other.

It'’s the only thing that can explain

why they make each other so crazy.

You chose to adopt this kid together for a reason.

Why don'’t you talk about that?

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, God, my wife said the twins are sick.

I got to go.

Back to sleep.

By the way, not cool about my sister.

No judgment?

I'’m Alan.

And I'’m always there for Walden whenever he needs me the most.

And I do look good in jorts.

And my nachos are restaurant quality.

Well, I'’m Walden, and, uh,

I'’ve been the best friend that Alan'’s ever had.

[short chuckle] And also,

I'’m not angry about the 20s

he occasionally steals from my wallet.

I'’m sorry I said I didn'’t want you around.

I'’m sorry I was smothering you.

Oh... Bring it in.I'’m s...

Come on.

Hey, hey...

You know where we should go?

♪ Bermuda, Bahama

♪ Come on, pretty mama

♪ To Key Largo, Montego, baby why don'’t we go? ♪

Wait, are you really taking me to...No.

♪ The Florida Keys, there'’s a place called Koko... ♪

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪I just want to tell you guys,

I love being a part of this group.

And we love having you, Alan.

Oh, well, thank you. So, as I was saying,

why is it that I'’m willing to take

three hours to make him dinner

and he won'’t take three seconds to tell me what he wants?

Speaking of three seconds, can we talk about the sex?

[scoffs] At least you'’re having sex, sister.