All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e09 Car Trouble.eng

[instrumental music]

Oh, honey, look, my cousin Janice

sent us a picture of her new baby.

- Mm. - Whoa!

Is that a new baby person?

- Be nice. - Alright.

Just tell me what end I'm looking at.

Bill.

I'm just saying, they're gonna save

a lot of money on Halloween masks.

You will never guess what I have in my pocket.

Well, let's see.

The last time we played this game

it was a pudding cup and some sort of lizard.

$20, which means I finally
have $2000 in my car fund

and you guys said when I did, you'd match it.

- That's great, Trent. - Yeah.

You said, he'd never be able to save that much.

So, can I have the money?

I want to get the car by this weekend.

And why the big rush?

Well, I've got this date with Julie Collin

and I need a place to..

Uh, no reason.

Trent, I'm not just giving
you money to go buy a car.

Why?

Because buying a car is a big decision

and before we can make it,
we need to do the proper research.

We gotta go online, do some comparison shopping.

Yeah, okay, well, you get on that

I'm gonna go release this lizard into the wild.

Make sure the wild isn't
your sister's sock drawer.

You know, we'd give that boy $4000

and he could come home with
a car or a handful of magic beans.

[chuckles] That's just, Trent.

This whole "That's just Trent" thing is fine

when he's mounting an engine on his skateboard

but buying a car is a big decision.

Just want to make sure he does it right.

You know, Bill, I don't
think you give him enough credit.

Really? Look out here.

Somehow, he just got his
hair caught in the mailbox.

Oh, there you are! How come
you guys are getting home so late?

Bryan, got in a fight at school.

- What? - Sweetie, are you okay?

I'm fine. It was no big deal.

"No big deal?" But you got into a fight.

Not just any fight, his first fight.

What your father's trying to say

is that fighting is wrong
and we don't condone it.

Yeah, right, right.

And when you were doing that thing

that we strongly disapprove of

did you get any good shots in?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, you know, that's it.
I'm calling the school.

No, mom, you'll embarrass me.

You have an Elmo lunchbox

and you're worried mom will embarrass you?

Muppet's are timeless, Lauren.

And it was just a little disagreement, okay?

[whispers] Bill.

Why don't we just let this go?

You know, getting a little scrapes

is all a part of the male growing up experience.

Besides, this is so much better

than when he came home and told us

he got a lead in the school play.

Hey, that was a great accomplishment.

He was Annie.

When are you going to tell them?

I'm not, and neither are you.

So, did you get into fights
when you were Bryan's age?

Me? No.

I was more of a lover than a fighter.

Really? You must have been a terrible fighter.

So, you're saying I'm a great lover?

Wait, no, that...came out wrong.

[theme music]

[clattering]

Wow!

You weren't kidding about
researching this car thing.

Well, since Trent's not
the savviest guy in the world

I thought this would
be a great opportunity for me

to teach him how to make
a decision like a mature adult.

Mm, well, whatever keeps the lizards

out of my washing machine, I'm on board.

[chuckles]

- See you later. - Hey, hey, buddy.

I've been doing some research

and I think I found the perfect car for you.

- Oh, what is it? - Not so fast.

What is it?

I want to take you through the car buying process

step by step, so sit down.

Now, we have a budget of $4000.

So, what kind of car do you think we can get?

One that costs $4000?

Yes! Nailed it.

Moving on, have you given any thought

to any specifics like make, model, style?

- Yeah, I want a red one. - Why a red one?

Oh, because according to my research

two out of three girls in my history class

think I look smoking hot in red.

Trent, that's crazy.

I know, what is wrong with that third girl?

Well, I think you should
consider getting a white car.

White washes me out.

Yeah, but white shows less dirt.

How does a white car show less dirt?

I mean, less snow I would get-

Okay, alright, alright, alright.

Let's forget the color.

Have you thought about
any other important factors

like the Kelly Blue Book value

consumer reports safety rating

the dependability, the mileage..

And what are you doing?

I'm texting a buddy about this white car thing.

Dirt is black, dad.

Come on, Trent, focus. This is important.

Now, tomorrow when we go to that car dealership

I want you to know what you're doing.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Danny. - Hey, Uncle Danny.

Trent, just got a pre-release

of the new "Grand Larceny Auto."

- You want to play? - Are you serious?

Uh, he can't. He's learning how to buy a car.

"Buy a car?" With this
game, you can blow up a car.

Or drive it off a bridge.

While being chased by gang members.

That we stole it from.

[chuckles]

- Let's do it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't you want to know what
the perfect car for you is?

Well, given our price range

the mileage, safety, and dependability factors

I figure it's a 99 Honda Accord.

Wow, that's-that's right.

I guess, you really do know what you're doing.

Nah, I just read it on your pad.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

What are you doing?

- Practicing self-defense? - Oh.

Good, I thought you were
having a reaction to medication.

- Hey, Uncle Paul. - Yeah?

If I tell you a secret, will
you promise not to tell, dad?

Yeah, but I have to warn you.

If he gives me the slightest bit of pressure

I will crack like an egg.

I need some advice.

I'm having a problem with the bully at school.

Oh, Bryan. Well, there's
only one way to handle a bully.

You have to stand up and be a man.

And when he's not looking, kick him in the beans.

I can't do that.

This bully's a girl.

Oh, boy.

[chuckles] I've been there.

My ex-wife used to bully me all the time.

How'd you get her to stop?

I gave her half my money.

Well, you know what, actually more

because I'm paying her child support.

You don't have any children?

She had a very good lawyer.

I don't think money's gonna stop this girl.

She's big, she's mean.

And for some reason she loves to clobber me.

Mm. Any chance you can outrun her?

[sighs] Depends on my allergies.

If there's a high pollen count, I'm dead meat.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what you do.

Next time you see her, just drop to the ground

roll yourself up into a tight ball..

...and do not release until she is gone.

You want me to lie down and take a beating?

How's that a plan?

Come on, give me a break.
You're an asthmatic bullseye.

Come on, Uncle Paul. I need help.

Alright, buddy. Let's-
let's think about this, okay?

Okay, I got it.

All you have to do is convince her

that you are not to be messed with.

- Intimidate the intimidator. - How do I do that?

You tell her that if she messes with you again

you'll tell your uncle,
who has connections to the mob.

You have connections to the mob?

Well, I do know a tattooed guy

who got me an illegal cable box.

But, look, it doesn't matter if it's true.

All that matters is that she believes that it is.

You really think intimidation will work?

Absolutely.

And if it doesn't and she attacks again.

Remember, do not release.

[instrumental music]

Okay, now remember

even though we want the 99 Accord

you have to pretend like
you're really not interested.

You want me to lie?

No, it's not lying. It's-it's a poker game.

You don't show your cards.

That's what good negotiating's all about.

Hi. Can I show you something?

Not a 99 Accord, that's for sure.

We are just looking.

We're not buying today.

I want that.

[chuckles] Or that, or that.

We're completely undecided.

As is.

I wouldn't want you any other way.

- Trent! - Should I write it up?

[chuckles] No.

Remember, poker, stop showing your card.

I don't care. I want this truck.

An excellent choice.

[chuckles] Trent, we are
not buying a pickup truck.

But, Dad, this is a "babe magnet."

It has "pickup" right in the name.

But you don't know anything about this truck.

Does it get good gas mileage?
Does it got anti-lock brakes?

Is it completely awesome?

- Thank you. - And it's not practical.

Look, it's got way too many miles on it.

It's a gas guzzler, and we agreed

that the right car at
the right price was the Accord

and that's the car we're getting.

Sounds like we made a decision.

Dad, have you ever heard the story

about the really cool guy in the Accord?

- No. - Exactly.

Will you stop being so immature?

I am trying to teach you something.

But dad, it's the same price

and this is supposed to be my car, not yours.

That's right, car.

I'm not giving you half the money

to buy a stupid pickup truck.

- We had a deal. - This is not our deal, Trent.

Then I'm gone.

So, the Accord it is?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Yes!

I just did a ten category comparison

between the Accord and that truck Trent wants.

You know what I found?

A brand new way to bore your daughter?

Okay, thank you for calling.

[sighs]

Bill, that was Bryan's teacher.

He got into another fight at school..

...with a girl.

A girl?

Oh, God! Did he win?

I am so glad this is finally out.

You knew about this?

And I've been dying to talk about it.

Can you believe it? Bryan's
getting bullied by a girl!

Maybe I built it up too much.

Bryan, could you come down here please?

What is going on with him? This isn't like Bryan.

- Yeah. - Come here.

Did you get in a fight with a girl?

Thanks for ratting me out, Lauren.

I didn't tell them.

But now that it's out,
I'm putting it on Facebook.

Did anyone get video of her pounding on you?

Lauren.

If he cried, this could go viral.

Your teacher claimed you threatened this girl.

Is that true?

I told her Uncle Paul knew people

who could make her disappear.

Why would you say something like that?

Yeah, Paul doesn't got that kind of juice.

Which is not the point at all.

I didn't know what else to do

and Uncle Paul said I
should try to intimidate her.

Why didn't you just come to us?

I was too embarrassed.

I thought if I told you
I was getting hit by a girl

you'd be ashamed of me.

Oh, well, maybe your mom would

but that stuff just rolls off my back.

And the worst part is

I have no idea why she hates me so much.

I've never done anything to her.

I don't even talk to her.

Oh, okay.

I think I know why she's hitting you.

Yeah, because she's a hideous,
knuckle dragging monster.

[chuckles]

Oh, I think she's got a crush on you.

She is kind of cute.

Beefy, but cute.

[chuckles]

I-I think your dad might be right.

When I was your age

I smacked Eddie Tomlin upside
the head with an Etch A Sketch.

Even with this big welt
on his head, he was dreamy.

[chuckles]

You done?

You know what you need to do tomorrow morning?

You walk up to her, give her a smile

and start a conversation.

Okay.

But just to be safe

hold your science book in front of your groin.

So, have you heard from Trent, since the blow up?

Not yet.

You know, I gotta say, I don't see what's so bad

about what Trent wanted. I love red pick-ups.

I dated the hottest guy who had one, and we-

Okay, why don't we put a pin in this story

remind you that you weren't
my first either and move on?

The point is, Trent doesn't
know anything about this pickup.

He just ran for the first shiny object he saw.

[chuckles] That's our boy, alright.

Yeah, well, he keeps going through life like that

he's gonna propose to the
first D-cups he meets in college.

So, what's your plan?

When Trent gets home, I'm gonna show him

this comparison chart I made

and he'll realize that
I was right about the Accord.

- And if he doesn't? - He has to.

Without my $2000, he can't get a decent car.

[horn blaring]

What the hell is that?

[door opens]

[birds chirping]

Check out my new wheels.

Oh, my God!

[sighs] What is this?

I call it "The Bug Mobile."

This is how you want to go to school every day..

...in a four-wheel cockroach?

Without your $2000, I couldn't
get the red pickup I wanted.

So, I had to get this instead.

Those weren't the only two choices!

And maybe Buggy isn't as safe
or reliable as the red pickup

but at least I'll never
lose it in a crowded parking lot.

I think the big termite helps with that.

Trent, you can't park this thing

in front of the house every day.

The neighbours will think we have an infestation.

But mom, you won't believe

how much attention this is getting me.

Yo, bug man!

[chuckles] You know it.

I don't even know that guy.

This thing is ridiculous. You're not keeping it.

Oh, yes, I am.

You wouldn't let me get the red truck

and once you took away your
money, I did what I had to do.

[birds chirping]

Well, if it disappears in a night

then you'll know I did what I had to do.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Danny. - Hey.

What's with the exterminator truck?

You guys have an infestation?

[scoffs] I wish.

No, Trent bought that as his new car.

I thought you guys went to get an Accord.

We did, but Trent fell in
love with a little red pickup.

And when I wouldn't give
him half the money to buy it

he got that ridiculous cockroach coach.

I just thought it was a really good chance

for me to teach him how to make smart decisions.

But he was so far off in Trent land

the whole thing was a disaster.

[door closes] Huh! Well, just so I'm clear.

Why didn't you let him have the red pickup?

Because it's an unreliable gas guzzler.

And I'm not gonna let him buy something flashy

just because he thinks he looks cool in it.

I mean, what's he thinking?

I don't know. He kind of
reminds me of you at that age.

- What? - Yeah.

Do you remember your senior prom?

The bright orange disco tux?

Ah, with the bell bottom pants

sequin lapels, and platform shoes.

I love that tux. I looked like John Travolta.

Elton John Travolta.

Come on, I look great in that thing.

Plus, it was a great showcase
for my awesome dance moves.

Right. That snatch and jerk thing you used to do?

What was that called? "Spastic Gardner?"

Uh, no, it was called "The Funky Lawnmower"

and it went like this.

Anyway, the point is dad hated that tux

and he made you take it back, remember?

Yeah. Made me buy that stupid black one.

I look like an idiot doing "The
Funky Lawnmower" in that thing.

- You were so mad at him.
- He wouldn't even let me talk.

He just made the decision.
That was the end of it.

[sighs] Alright.

If you think Trent's gonna resent me

the way I resented dad, then you..

[sighs] ...you may have a point.

[sighs] Damn it!

I was so intent on teaching him a lesson

I didn't take the time
to hear what he had to say.

Maybe it's time Trent and I talked this out.

Hi, Bill.

Did you tell Bryan to threaten a girl?

Bye, Bill.

[door closes]

[instrumental music]

[keys clicking]

Hey Trent, uh, you-you got a minute?

Yeah, but, uh, make it quick.

I gotta get over to my buddy Steve's.

He's got a little rat problem in the basement.

[clicks tongue] Yeah, you know you're
not really an exterminator, right?

Yeah, but I think I can
make $80 before Steve finds out.

Hey, look, son, um..

...I'm sorry I've been such
a hard ass about this car thing.

It's just, sometimes you seem to..

...sometimes you can be..

I'm your dad, and I worry about you.

Yeah, well, I think you underestimate me.

You bought a car with a giant bug on top.

Or did I?

- What's that mean? - Let me ask you this.

Would you rather I had the
bug mobile or the red pickup?

The red pickup. It's a million times better.

- That's all I needed to hear.
- Okay, what's going on?

You said negotiating is like playing poker

and you just showed me all your cards. Checkmate.

We should talk before you play poker for money.

I didn't actually buy the Bug Mobile.

I borrowed it from Teddy
Cole's dad to make you realize

that the red pickup wasn't so bad.

Huh!

You know what? Sometimes I do underestimate you.

- I'm sorry for that. - Thanks.

But I still have objections
about that red pickup truck.

And, well, you should.

I was just reading about it on the internet

and consumer reports gave it the finger.

But I see what you mean now

about reading up on something before you buy it.

Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear.
You know what?

Why don't we see if we can find something

we're both happy with.

Cool.

As long as I can put a giant bug on top.

It's kind of my thing now.

[clicks tongue] I'm gonna say no.

Because your mom will go nuts.

And sleeping in the same bed
as her is kind of my thing now.

[instrumental music]

Hey, honey. How was school?

I got an A on my English quiz.

English minglish. How'd it go with the girl?

Well, I waited till school
was out to make my move.

Then I went out to the
playground and there was Enid.

Wait, Enid? That's her name?

Enid Kuzuski.

Well, she certainly sounds pretty.

So, I went up to her, all ready
to compliment her improved work

with complex fractions.

Oh, God.

But before I could, she
went and punched Ricky Terenzio.

She didn't.

Dropped him like a dangling participle.

Mm.

So, whatever magic Enid
and I had, I think it's over.

[clicks tongue] Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, tough break, pal. - It's okay.

- Do we have an ice pack? - Why?

Well, after Enid left

Alexa Brown came up and for
no reason kicked me in the shin.

[chuckles] Yeah, buddy! Back in the game!

[chuckles]

[ending theme]

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