All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e04 The Way We Were.eng

[instrumental music]

- That was a nice restaurant. - Yeah, it was.

Well...did you like Kurt and Cynthia?

- Aren't they a cute couple? - Ugh.

They were all over each other.

I thought it was sweet.
The kissing, the hand holding.

It's nice to see a young couple in love.

Yeah, give them time. That'll go away.

I'm serious, Bill.

You know who Kurt and Cynthia remind me of?

Every stupid Matthew McConaughey movie?

No. Us when we were first dating.

We were just like them.

I'd write you little notes

we'd hold hands, you'd make me mix tapes..

What happened to us?

Nothing happened to us, baby. We're great.

We've been married for almost 20 years.

There's not a lot of mystery left.

I've seen you have three children.

You've seen me pass a kidney stone.

You still think that's the same thing, don't you?

Hey, you give birth to a
jagged boulder, then we'll talk.

[sighs] Come on, Bill, I'm just saying

I miss that feeling you
have when you're first in love.

Well, I miss Nickel Beer Knight and John Elway

but they ain't coming back either.

I don't even know why I bother.

I-I try to have a serious conversation with you

and you're just jokes, jokes, jokes.

Okay, in my defense, I didn't know

we were having a serious conversation.

Well, you gotta tell me so I can act like I care.

That came out wrong.

[theme music]

[door opens]

Hey, buddy. What's up?

Hey. Okay, which says, "sorry" more?

Roses or daffodils?

If this is about the other day

when you made fun of my saddle shoes

I'm over it.

But let's be clear, it is a valid style.

It is. Not with shorts.

No, the flowers are for Susan.

What did you do, Bill?

She said she wanted to recapture that feeling

of first being in love, and I made fun of her.

Daffodils?

It seems to me you need to
make a bigger gesture than flowers.

Yeah? Well, I'm putting in an apology there.

"He says I'm sowwy" with Ws.

Bill, you can't fix this with flowers.

What am I gonna do?

I mean, we've been married for almost 20 years.

I can't make us a young couple again.

Yeah, but you can make your
relationship exciting again.

- How? - Ooh, fly her to Paris.

- Uh, too expensive? -
No, I mean, the one in Vegas.

It's just like the real
one, but the food is better.

Okay, you know what?

When you die, you should
donate your brain to science.

And maybe one day they'll figure out a cure

for whatever that is.

[chuckles] But you actually
maybe right about one thing.

Seems unlikely.

[chuckles]

If Susan wants us to be the way we used to be

then I gotta find a way to make that happen.

And how do you plan on doing that?

I have no idea.

But when has me not knowing something

ever stopped me from doing that thing

I don't know what it is.

That's my Bill.

- Confusing and motivating. - Mm-hmm.

[instrumental music]

Hey, honey. What're we doing Saturday night?

Uh, we don't have any plans.

Cancel.

Okay. Done.

Because you are going on a date Saturday night.

Really? With who?

Is he cute?

Oh, yeah, he's adorable.

Aw..

It's so sweet to see the geriatric set

trying to have fun.

Well, since your mother and I are going out

I need one of you to volunteer
to take care of Bryan.

- Her! - Him!

Well, I can't do it.

I finally got Kate Miller to go out with me.

First dates are crucial.

Well, it's my second date with Will

and second dates are way
more crucial than first dates.

Why?

Second dates are all about proving

you're as interesting as you pretended to be

on the first date.

Well, one of you is gonna watch Bryan

because my date with your
mother is the most important.

Right. Because if that doesn't go well...nothing.

Lauren should watch Bryan because Kate and I

are going to the movies.

And Trent should watch Bryan

because Will and I are going to the movies.

Well, why don't you just pick the same movie

[groaning]

Or you could both just stay home.

- 7:30 show? - Perfect.

Oh, and no horror movies.

It's hard to impress a date

when I'm screaming like a little girl.

So, tell me what you're
planning for our big date.

Well, you remember how you said

we couldn't recapture that excitement

of when we were first together?

I'ma prove to you that we can.

- At least for one night. - You are?

Mm-hmm. We are gonna have
a night of best-of moments

from our dating days.

Oh, are we gonna go up
in a hot air balloon again?

No.

[gasps] Are we gonna go river rafting?

- No. - Are we gonna-

Okay, can you stop guessing expensive stuff

that requires advanced planning?

Okay, okay, I'll just be surprised.

- Good. - I can't wait.

[knocking on door]

- Hello, Faulkner. - Pearson.

I'm here in a little neighborhood watch business.

There's been a lot of suspicious
activity going on of late.

What suspicious activity?

Vandalism, houses being TPed, cars being egged.

Just yesterday, I found
my mailbox slightly askew.

Well, did you alert Homeland Security?

They don't take my calls anymore.

Thank you for letting me know.

Well, I'm not here as a messenger.

I'm here as an interrogator.

I need to question one of your kids.

Which one?

Whichever one wants to talk to me

while he mows my lawn.

Okay. Goodbye, Faulkner.

Why..

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Alright, here we are.

First stop on the best of Bill and Susan tour.

Where are we?

We are just down the street

from that little dive bar with the pool tables

where we had our first kiss.

Oh, McSweeney's.

Oh, you did that thing

where you put your arms around me

and show me how to hold the pool cue.

Yeah.

Which was weird because I've just beaten

you six straight times.

I let you win so I could kiss you.

It was a great kiss.

But you sucked at pool.

- Wedding rings off. - It was just a joke, Bill.

No, no, no, no. Tonight we're not married.

We're Bill and Susan. Hot young couple in love.

Aw..

Uh.. Two pretzels, and I retain water

like a pregnant woman.

Wow. This place looks different.

Excuse me, is this still McSweeney's?

That's the name now.

- Apostrophe. - You don't say it.

- Well, how do you refer to it? - You don't.

You just show up and then
you go to the back of the line.

Well, see, here's the thing.

This is where my husband
and I had our first kiss.

Yeah, we just want to go inside and relive it.

Aw, that's sweet.

You know, another really good place to kiss

is the back of the line.

Oh, honey, this line's long.
Maybe we should just go.

No, we are having our best of night

and this is where we're starting.

I know what'll get us in there. Just wait there.

Listen, I think we could
figure something out here.

- Can we- - Sir, put your money away.

We're at capacity.

Oh, hi, Amber. Amber.

Whoa, whoa! That's not fair.

I was here before they were.

You're right. You're right.

If you have a complaint

I suggest you write a letter to him..

...from the back of the line.

[sighs] So cougar..

What's, what's a cougar?

You are.

[growling]

- Susan, what's going on?
- I was just making friends.

Uh, honey, we got invited to an after party.

Oh, just you, not the, uh, old dude.

This old dude is her husband.

[scoffs] I don't see a ring.

I think this cougar is on the prowl.

Cougar. Cougar.

- Cougar. Cougar. - Let's go.

(all) Cougar.

Honey, wait. We, we didn't
get to relive our first kiss.

Ooh, baby, it's magical. I felt it. Did you?

You'll be the mother of my children. Let's go.

It is so cool going out
to the movies with you guys.

- Yeah. Awesome. - Where do you wanna sit?

Technically, the best
vantage point is dead center

two thirds away from the screen.

But since I'm right eye dominant-

How about right here?

- Great! - Cool.

I'm gonna be over there with Will.

And I'm gonna be over there with Kate.

Wait, you guys aren't sitting with me?

- We have dates, dude. - But I thought-

We said we would take you to the movies

not sit with you.

So I'm gonna be sitting alone?

No. Somebody's grandma, Bryan.

Bryan. Somebody's grandma.

There. Now you have a friend.

Mm. At least this place hasn't changed.

Hi. Reservation for Pearson.

Oh, but, sir, you're an hour and a half early.

Yeah, see, I'm trying to recreate

this special night for my wife

and the first kiss at the bar didn't work out.

So I took her for a row boat ride on the lake

where I first told her I loved her.

Lake Howie. It's very enchanting.

Well, at least it was.

They just drained it and
sprayed it with algaecide.

We both got light headed and
had to get the hell out of there.

And now we're here because
this is where he proposed to me.

I'm sorry, sir. It's Saturday night.

It's a mob scene in there.

Maybe this will change your mind.

Perhaps I can squeeze you in.

Mob scene? It's empty.

Empty or peaceful?

- Empty. - Empty or intimate?

Empty.

- Empty or- - Just show us to that table.

That's where I proposed.

Honey, should we be worried
that nobody's eating here?

Maybe we should go somewhere else.

No. This is a special night.
We are staying right here.

Wow. This place really brings back memories.

Yeah, it sure does. That was a fun night.

Yeah. The music, the food, the belly dancer.

Oh, right. What was her name?

Oh, um...Fatima.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Excuse me, sir.

Do you still have belly dancers?

We do.

Fatima!

She is deaf as a post.

Oh, lord!

[jingling]

Get ready to experience the mystery.

Hit it!

[Arabic music]

You want touching or no touching.

Uh, no touching.

And I'm willing to pay extra for that.

[jingling]

[instrumental music]

Lauren.

Go away!

I want some popcorn!

So go get some.

I need money to buy it.

Then get a job!

Lauren!

Leave me alone!

[indistinct grunting]

Psst.

- I need some money for popcorn.
- Stop bothering me.

Go back to your seat, you
little boy who I don't know.

Come on, Trent.

Whoa, how does he know my name? That's weird.

- Trent. - Alright, fine.

Here. Now go away.

Hey.

Why's everyone chasing that guy in the red hat?

Dude, I am not watching the movie.

[instrumental music]

Aren't you gonna eat your kebab?

[clicks tongue] Nah.

After Fatima's performance,
I'm just not that hungry.

She sure can put on a show.

I wish she'd put on a coat.

Honey, I'm sorry. This
whole night's been a disaster.

The bar, the lake.

I didn't wanna tell you this

but I think I found a band-aid in my hummus.

- Bill, that's okay. - No, it's not.

I want to show you that we
could be that young couple again

and I don't know, maybe, we just can't.

And you know, the night's not over.

Oh, God, Fatima's not coming back.

No, no, no, no, no.

I just remembered another
one of our best of moments.

What?

Remember the night we
went to see "9 & 1/2 Weeks?"

It got us both in the mood.

But both of our roommates were home, so we..

Oh, God, we did it in the car.

[laughs]

You mean, you wanna have..

Sex, please.. Check, please!

- I'll met you in the lobby.
- I'll meet you outside.

- Kate's giving me a ride home.
- Will's giving me a ride home.

(both) And you're taking Bryan. No way.

Cool, how long can we keep saying the same thing?

- Ugh! - You're taking him, Trent.

- You owe me. - Why do I owe you?

Because my life was going
great before you were born.

Where's Bryan?

- Maybe he's in the lobby.
- Maybe he's in the bathroom.

Well, we're just not in sync anymore.

We have to find him.

- Let's split up. - Uh, okay.

Uh, I'll check the lobby,
and you check the men's room.

Really? You want me to check the men's room?

Well, he's not gonna be in the ladies room.

[instrumental music]

What are we gonna do, Trent? He's nowhere.

Uh, okay, let's think about this.

Maybe he ran into some
friends and left with them.

Okay, we can rule that out.

This was all your fault,
you were totally mean to him.

So were you.

I'm younger and less mature.

You should've set a better example.

This is serious, Bryan
could really be in trouble.

Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Paul.

No problem. I thought a
trip to Sonic would cheer you up.

How's that cherry limeade?

Not as good as the love
of my siblings, but refreshing.

[chuckles] You know, we should
really call Trent and Lauren.

They're gonna be worried about you

when they realized you're gone.

No, don't call them. They deserve to suffer.

Wow, you're a twisted little dude.

Hey, wait a minute.

That time I lost you in a zoo for an hour

were you just playing me too?

No, I was really lost.

That was the worst day of my life.

Hmm, well, again, I apologize

but you cannot put baby pandas in a tree

and expect me to focus.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

So are we really gonna do this?

I think we are.

And you're okay doing it
right here in this parking lot?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Unless there's not a graveyard shift

for the day-care center.

Just feels so dangerous doing it

[chuckles] right here on our neighborhood.

Yeah, I know. We're the cougars.

[growling]

- Ready? - Mm.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did backseats get smaller or did we get bigger?

I mean, did I get bigger? You look like an angel.

- Just wait. - Alright.

Yeah, okay.

- Yeah. - Much better.

Hey, there's my coffee mug.

Susan? Focus.

(Faulkner) 'Attention!
Step out of the vehicle now!'

- Ow! - Oh, my God, the police, ah!

Calm down, there's nothing weird about this.

We're just two married people

about to have sex at a day-care center.

Well, well, well..

This must be my lucky day.

Faulkner, what are you doing?

Just patrolling the neighborhood.

I should run you for
lewd and lascivious behavior.

Run us in where? Who do you think you are?

Got a badge right here

that says I'm head of neighborhood watch.

I've got a badge at home that says

I'm head of neighborhood watch.

Look we were just trying
to have a little bit fun.

Missus, are you here of your own volition?

- Blink twice if you need help.
- I am fine, Mr. Faulkner.

Is he forcing you to say that?

Did you lose sight of your
drink at any point at the evening?

Goodnight, Mr. Faulkner.

Alright, I guess I can let you go this time.

[chuckles]

- Wow. - Yeah.

[engine starting]

- So you wanna.. - Yeah, right.

[instrumental music]

Thanks for calling us, Uncle Paul.

You are in big trouble, you little troll.

I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Because apparently I don't exist.

You can't just leave without telling us.

[indistinct shouting]

Alright. Enough.

Wow.

I don't know if you guys know this

but if anything were to happen to your parents

I would be your legal guardian.

(in unison) What?

Yeah, that's right.

Now I may not have children

but I had a mother who raised me right.

And if Mama DuFrayne
was here right now, she'd say

"What do you three ragamuffins
have to say for yourselves?"

Bryan's the one who should be in trouble.

Yeah, he left the movie
theater without telling us.

[gasps] I thought I raised you better than that.

I left because you weren't
paying any attention to me.

Yeah, well, something could've
happened to you, Bryan.

How could you be so stupid?

You watch your mouth, mister.

Or I will wash it out with soap.

Well, we looked everywhere.
We thought we'd lost you.

I was practically in tears.

Oh, I'll give something to cry about.

After the way you treated me, you deserved it.

I'm glad I left and I'd do it again.

You are a young black boy in America.

You cannot afford to act a fool!

I only wanted to go to the movies

because I was excited
to spend time with you guys.

I guess we were too preoccupied with our dates.

- Hmm. - I'm sorry.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, dude.

Then I shouldn't have left the theater.

I'm just glad you're okay.

How about we take you
to the movies tomorrow night

to make it up to you?

Deal. And we'll sit together?

(both) Why not?

Hey-hey, we're back!

[chuckles]

Alright, now you guys
go on upstairs and go to bed.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

Work three jobs all day

and I gotta come home to this crap.

[grunts]

But I do love my babies.

[instrumental music]

Are you ready to experience the mystery?

If you really wanna sell
it, you need a C-section scar.

[chuckles]

- You know what, Bill? - What?

I had fun tonight. Thank you.

- It was fun. - Hmm.

You know, for being a complete disaster.

[chuckles]

You know, I actually learned something.

- You know what young love
is? - A lot of freaking work.

[chuckles]

Yes, but young love is also a moment, fleeting.

And what we have will never die.

I mean, if tonight can't kill it, nothing will.

[chuckles]

So, do you want to finish
what we started in the car?

Cougar's on the prowl.

[growling]

[chuckles] Sounds good to me.

You want touching or no touching?

Touching and I'm willing to pay extra for that.

[chuckles]

[ending theme]

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