Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Hey, Trent, it's getting late, shouldn't you be in bed?

Yeah, I just need to send a text.

[message chimes on cellphone]

"Can you wake me up ten minutes early?"

- Trent, I'm right here. - Did you get my text?

Yes, but why didn't you just ask me?

I just did.

So will you wake me up tomorrow or not?

Well, how about I just text you?

- Hey, honey. - Bill.

You will never guess what happened

at my game night with the girls.

Mmm. If it involved pillow fights and practice kissing

you better have pictures.

It's not a teenage sleepover, we're adult women.

We have adult conversations.

About kissing in your undies?

No. Important life stuff.

Tammy told us that her husband Scott, got butt implants.

- No way. - Have you seen his butt lately?

You could bounce a quarter off that thing.

Hey, wait a minute. I thought it was game night.

You sit around and talk about your husbands?

Do you ever say anything about me?

Uh..

...not really.

Um, liar!

What did you say about me?

I would tell you if I could

but the group has a cone of silence.

What is shared in the cone stays in the cone.

And I'm guessing, Scott's new butt

didn't fit in the cone, did it?

His butt is no secret.

It's like he's smuggling melons back there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! So that's it? You're just not gonna tell me?

Honey, it's just a bunch of friends talking, no big deal.

Is it about my butt?

Because real men have curbs, Susan.

[theme music]

[door opens]

Goodbye, Yale. Goodbye, Berkeley.

- Goodbye, Cornell. - Ugh! Brian, would you stop?

Yeah, and who are these people you keep saying goodbye to?

They're schools, doofus.

Schools I probably can't get into anymore.

Because you got a B on a science test?

My first B.

It's going to stand out on the college applications.

College what now?

I wouldn't expect you two to understand.

You're both just run-of-the-mill academic hacks.

Simply average.

Whoa! Average?

Whoa! Average!

For your information, I am not an academic hack.

I do well in school.

Please, you haven't seen an A since preschool.

Um, hello, there were two A's on my report card last semester.

Yeah, the ones in Lauren and Pearson.

Assuming you spelled Pearson right.

Well, I hope you're enjoying this, because

that B is just the beginning.

- The beginning of what? - No one's told you?

All Pearson men start out smart, but around age 12

their brains start to go soft.

It happened with Trent, and here you are

with your very first B, you're right on schedule.

You expect me to believe some

lame theory of brain degeneration?

No, because it's science, which you got a B in.

Check it out.

See toes?

Let's just hope you don't get it that bad.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Bill. - Hey.

Hey, I'm glad you're here, I want to ask you something.

Oh, no, me first. This has been haunting me all day.

Is there a difference between a marmot and a marmoset?

This is what haunts you?

Is a marmoset an animal or a set of marmots?

What does it matter?

Because I either just made one bad online purchase or several.

Can I go now with a big boy problem?

Okay.

Susan said something about me to her girlfriends last night

and she won't tell me what it was.

Take it from me, man. Whenever wives get together

it's to do one thing, complain about their husbands.

I know, but what could Susan possibly have to complain about?

Well, let's see, you put too much ketchup

on your French fries.

You have a Taylor Swift ringtone.

And, and you won't share clothes.

Okay, A, ketchup is the whole point.

B, that girl can sing.

And C, you would stretch my clothes out.

I would stretch your clothes out? Heh.

Dude, have you looked in the mirror lately?

Fine, can we get back to my point now?

Okay, alright.

Well, maybe the reason Susan's not telling you what

she told her friends is because she's hiding something.

Something big.

Like what?

Do you think Susan would tell you

if she had an affair with your pool guy?

Paul, we don't have a pool.

Right, but if you did, now you know, she wouldn't tell you.

Boom!

- Boom? - Boom!

Wow, I worry about you out there alone.

Bill, I'm just saying, you can't have any secrets in a marriage.

You got to get to the bottom of this.

Why don't you just say that?

Because if I have to explain every boom

then the "boom" becomes boomless.

If we had a pool, I would throw you in it right now.

[instrumental music fades]

[upbeat music]

What are you doing?

Just fixing Brian's Rubik's Cube.

Good, because that thing is broken.

I'm making it so it's impossible to solve.

Hey, this is Brian's backpack, right?

- Yeah. - Great.

[backpack thuds]

- Where's my backpack? - I haven't seen it.

I could have sworn I just left it right here.

Oh, forgetfulness. That's the first sign of getting dumber.

You're crazy.

I knew you wouldn't believe me.

That's why I went and found this.

It's Trent's sixth grade report card.

Trent got all A's?

Every subject. And look here.

The teacher wrote, "The sky's the limit, Trent."

"And junior high seems unnecessary."

How do I even know this is real?

Okay, you need more proof?

You've been able to solve this since you were six.

And what's your record? 15 seconds?

[Rubik's Cube clicking]

Oh, my God! What's happening?

Should we start with something more basic?

- What does the cow say? - No!

Oh! So close.

[instrumental music]

- Honey. - Hm.

We have always been honest with each other, right?

Sure. Sure. I may have overstated my love

of your pink sweatshirt, but-

It's not pink. It's well washed red.

And that's what people say when they see it.

"There goes Bill in his well washed red

totally masculine sweatshirt."

Whatever. What did you tell your game night friends about me?

- Wow! Are you still on this? - Yes, I'm still on this.

- I want to know. - Honey, it's not a big deal.

Well, I think it is a big deal if you won't tell me.

Trust me, it's better if we don't discuss it.

I think it's better if we do discuss it. Boom!

- Boom? - Boom!

[chuckles] Fine, fine, I'll tell you.

Okay.

I just told my friends that you occasionally..

...have a hard time letting things go.

- Oh. That's it? - Yeah, that's it. See?

- No big deal. - Alright.

- Thank you for telling me. - Alright.

What do you mean I can't let things go?

Like, when?

You mean aside from this entire conversation?

I can let things go.

I let things go pretty easily, Susan.

In fact, letting go is what I do.

I knew you'd be mad about this?

No, I'm not mad.

I just wish that you hadn't told your friends, because now

I know every time they see me, they're gonna be

thinking, "Oh, there goes that guy who can't let things go."

In a pink sweatshirt.

See? See, this-this is exactly why I shouldn't have told you.

No, what you shouldn't have done is told your friends.

I mean, I don't go to my friends and complain about

all the things you do that annoy me.

Things that annoy you?

Like what?

Okay...fine.

You don't close kitchen cabinet doors.

You don't screw lids on tight.

And the way you gargle..

Ugh!

What's wrong with the way I gargle?

- 'Night, mom, night, dad.' - Trent, come here.

Who am I?

[gargling]

Chewbacca.

- Somebody real? Thank you. - Oh, mom.

Anything else annoying about me?

No, I think that's it.

Great. Great. I'm glad we, uh, we cleared the air on that.

Me too.

[switches clicking]

(Susan) You have got to be kidding me.

[instrumental music fades]

[instrumental music]

- Good morning. - Morning.

You look nice.

Is that a new bathrobe?

Okay, look, I know we went to bed mad last night.

- And I apologize. - Okay.

What-what're you, what're you doin'?

Oh. I've been told I don't screw the lids on tight.

Oh, don't worry, I'm going to close this when I'm done.

[slams cabinet door]

Okay, look, I know I went overboard

and again I apologize.

What are you apologizing for? I'm the one with all the faults.

Oh, listen. I'm not saying I'm perfect.

I mean, look, why don't we do this?

Why don't you come up with things that annoy you about me?

- Kind of even the score. - Oh, Bill.

No, no, no, no, no. We should talk about

the little things that bug us about each other.

That way, they don't become big things.

- Alright, fine. - Great, let's hear 'em.

Hand me that pad of paper.

Okay, alright, you want to write 'em down? Fine.

Well, if I could fit the pen into my huge Wookiee paw.

- Oh, I don't do that. - All the time.

Oh, come on, Susan, all I said three little things about you.

Two of which you've made really nice progress on today.

Oh, so you're gonna list every little

thing about me that annoys you?

Well, fine, maybe I should make a list

of all the negative things about you.

- Go for it. - Well, give me some paper.

I'm gonna need the whole pad.

Okay, that's the way you wanna play this. Fine.

You make your list, I'll make my list.

Tonight, we'll read 'em to each other and clear the air.

- Great. - Awesome.

- Tonight, we finished this. - I will look forward to it.

Alright, you want a list, sister?

You're gonna get a list.

In fact, I'm gonna call it "The List."

- Hey, dad. - Yeah, buddy.

Can I talk to you about something?

Yeah, let me ask something first.

What do you call those horrible shoes mom wears to church?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go with weird pilgrim loafers.

Okay, what's up?

Well, lately, I've been going through

some...changes.

Oh.

Changes. Yeah.

I've been meaning to have this talk with you, buddy.

You have?

Come on. Sit down.

Now listen, I don't want you to worry.

Because everything you're going through

is completely normal.

- Really?! - Oh, sure.

And it's nothing to be ashamed of.

[click tongue] You're becoming a Pearson man.

And there's nothing I can do to stop it?

[chuckles softly] Why would you want to?

But I don't wanna go through this.

I'm afraid you don't have a choice. It's nature, pal.

So you think my grades will go down?

Oh, I wouldn't be surprised.

You're gonna find it harder to concentrate and..

But here's the good news.

If Trent can get through it, so can you.

[Susan gargling]

Louder, Chewy, the neighbors can't hear ya!

[dramatic musical sting]

[door opens]

- Hey, buddy. - Hey, Paul.

So did you find out what Susan said to her friends about you?

- Yes, I did. - Yeah?

Was it how you think you're a dead ringer for Kevin Costner?

'Cause you're not.

[Paul laughs]

"Dances With Doughnuts."

Well, actually, "Talks From Ass.."

...what she said was, I have a hard time letting things go.

Oh, she's so right about that.

You still haven't forgotten about the time

I borrowed your car to drive to Vegas.

'Cause you left it there!

[grunts]

Let it go, Bill!

So what're you doing?

I am making a list of all Susan's faults

and I'm gonna read 'em to her later.

Huh. You know, if you want a kick in the groin

just ask me.

We're both making lists and we're gonna read 'em

to each other later, trust me it'll be

a healthy exercise for our relationship.

- So what do you got so far? - Alright, listen to this.

"Lets the toothpaste get gummy at the top of the tube."

Wow, bringing out the big guns, huh?

Hmm. Number one on my list for my ex-wife would be

"Punched my mother...hard."

Alright, listen to this one.

"Doesn't always close the garage door."

I cannot tell you how annoying that is.

Hmm. My ex once tricked me into taking a bubble bath

with another dude.

Yeah, 'cause you know what, she's not the one

who's gonna get out there and pick up those-

Wait, do what?!

Yeah, he was under the surface, lurking.

Like an alligator.

Wow, you probably stayed in that marriage

a lot longer than you should have.

I probably stayed in that bubble bath

a lot longer than I should have.

[dramatic musical sting]

[instrumental music]

Hey, sweetie .

Bryan! Bryan, what're you doing?

Just throwing away painful reminders

of my intelligent past.

But...your microscope and your calculator?

You can't throw this stuff away.

I'm not gonna remember how to use it in a few days anyway.

Goodbye, intellectual curiosity.

Hello, shiny objects.

Alright, what..

What is going on?

Brain degeneration.

Lauren says this happens to all Pearson men around my age.

Lauren!

Relax, sweetheart. Pearson men's brains don't degenerate

although your dad can make a compelling argument.

Lauren, did you tell Bryan he was getting dumber?

You mean the boy that wears a helmet to walk the dog?

- Safety's not stupid, Lauren! - No!

But inviting people to throw rocks at you is.

- Lauren. - Fine. I made it up.

But only because he was being

obnoxious about how smart he is.

But what about my Rubik's Cube? Or Trent's report card?

Or how my shower cap's been fitting looser?

All me.

Not bad for a run-of-the-mill academic hack, huh?

Alright. Lauren, apologize to brother.

Fine. Sorry...dork.

[Susan sighs]

Lauren!

Have you seen him in the shower cap?

That's enough. That's enough.

Bryan, no more shower cap.

It's like giving your sister a loaded gun.

I knew I wasn't getting dumber.

Maybe not. But you should ask yourself

would you have fallen for this three days ago?

[upbeat music]

[door opens]

- Hey. - You have your list?

[Bill scoffs] I do.

Wait, listen, I've been thinking about this-

I'll go first and then you can do a few.

Now, I have divided my list into categories.

- Categories? - With subheadings.

Now, the first category, hygiene.

Sub-heading, "Places I find your hair."

"The sink, the tub, the toilet

and a disturbing new trend, your ears."

Okay.

Next category.

"What does that do?"

Sub-heading, "Kitchen appliances."

"Thinks turning the toaster on darker

means it'll get done faster."

It's a timer, goober. Not a thermostat.

Okay. Fine, fine, listen. My turn.

- Alright, well, bring it on. - Okay.

- Bring it on. - Alright.

"Lets me sleep even though my snoring keeps her awake."

"Refills my coffee cup because she knows I like it hot."

"Plans and makes every meal-"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

[Susan sighs] What are you doing?

Because it's not my fault

if you didn't understand the rules.

Just reading my list.

But you didn't follow directions

which coincidentally is the next thing on my list.

Okay, okay. Okay, stop, stop, stop.

Come here, let's sit down for a second.

Today, I was talking to Paul about my complaints.

And I realized that after venting to him

I didn't feel the need to tell 'em to you.

You were talking to Paul about this stuff?

Yes. And you know what else I learned?

That with you, I don't have that much to complain about.

Oh, I could have told you that.

Don't you think that talking to Paul about these things

is a lot like me talking to my game night friends?

- No. - Why not?

Well, because I am not ready to admit I was wrong yet.

How about now?

Okay. I was wrong.

So, do we agree that

total communication is not always the best thing?

Yes. For a healthy marriage, we need to talk

behind each other's backs.

- Agreed. - Agreed.

So when you're with your girlfriends

do you guys ever talk about, I don't know

bedroom stuff?

Bill, why would I?

I got no complaints there.

Boom.

[switch clicks]

(Bill) 'Okay, um, Susan.'

'For once, could we just kiss for a minute?'

[outro music]

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